20. all I have's my honour
The next day, the emperor came to He Hui Fu again, and this time, he made his way directly to Zi Wei's quarters.
"Zi Wei, we must talk," he said as he walked into the room without allowing the servants to announce him first, thus giving her time to avoid him.
Zi Wei startled at his sudden appearance, and for a long moment, she remained where she had been sitting listlessly at the window. It took Jin Suo whispering urgently, "Xiaojie!" before she was able to snap out of her shock and stand up. As she did so, she needlessly smoothed down the front of her gown in order to stop from betraying the fact that her hands were trembling.
"Huang Shang – "
"Don't call me that," Qian Long said shortly, staring at Zi Wei, who froze mid-curtsy.
It took a few more beats until she gathered herself enough to shakily straighten, causing Jin Suo to rush over to take her elbow in support.
"Leave us, I wish to speak to your mistress alone," Qian Long said to Jin Suo. Despite Zi Wei shooting a wide-eyed look at her, pleading her not to leave, Jin Suo had little choice but to obey. She could only furtively squeeze Zi Wei's hand before retreating from the room and closing the door behind her.
Left inside with Qian Long, Zi Wei clenched her hands together in front of her.
Neither of them could immediately speak. The silence engulfed the room for what seemed like hours.
Then, finally, Qian Long said in a sad and weary voice, "Zi Wei, we cannot continue like this."
Zi Wei pressed her lips together to stop them from trembling and betraying her own precarious emotions. The truth was, ever since seeing her father again, two parts of her had been at war. The stubborn part of her that was still angry at him wanted to continue staying away and keeping this current cold distance between them, while the other part of her that had missed him desperately questioned the point of this insistent resistance against a reconciliation.
The conflict in her heart seemed to be choking her, and she couldn't speak even if she tried. Her father, however, seemed to take her silence for continued anger.
"Zi Wei, you cannot avoid this conversation forever," he said, with more patience than she ever imagined him capable of. "Have we as father and daughter not been apart for long enough? Do you really want to prolong this separation even further?"
It was clear that in that moment, the still-resentful part of her was gaining dominance, because Zi Wei found herself saying, "If we have been separated for most of my life, it was not due to my own choosing or doing."
"Zi Wei – "
Perhaps this was why she had chosen to remain silent in his presence before now. The moment Zi Wei found her voice, she also found that she could no longer keep her feelings locked up. She cut him off before she even realised what she was doing, and the words came spilling out of her without restraint.
"If you really wish to talk about it, then I will be frank. I always respected your sense of reason, and yet it only took a few words for you to doubt my mother. You said she schemed up this great elaborate long-term con to deceive you." Zi Wei paused, only to catch her breath. She tried to push down the overwhelming emotions that were threatening to make her burst into tears, and only just managed. She did not break into sobs, but the tears stinged her eyes. "These many months, do you know how your words have haunted me? To think of all that my mother suffered, of how she spent her life waiting for you, and in return, for you to call it a long-term con. My heart hurts for her. How can I not demand justice for her?"
The emperor gave a deep, sorrowful sigh at her tearful gaze and shook his head. "You speak of your hurt, but why do you not consider what happened that day?" he asked. "You dragged your mother through the mud with you. If you had not lied to me, betrayed me and hurt me so deeply, how could I be so easily fooled by those three peasants?"
Zi Wei continued to stare at him, forcing herself to remain calm and her tears unshed.
"You finally admit now that you were fooled?" she asked in a voice barely above a whisper.
"You know that Er Tai immediately investigated the matter afterwards and they all confessed to lying."
She turned slightly away, and pressed her lips together, buying herself a moment to try and regain her composure. "So it was because they recanted their words that you no longer believe them," she said, unable to keep the disappointment out of her voice. "It is not because you have any trust in my mother, or me."
"You know that is not what I meant!" the emperor exclaimed.
Zi Wei could tell from the tone of his voice and the way his stare was prickling at her skin that he was clearly hurt that she was still so stubbornly reading the worst intentions into his reactions. She also knew she was purposefully being difficult. Did she intend to test him, daring him to admit that he had been unjust in his doubt? Or, perhaps, she wanted him to feel the same pain that his doubts had forced upon her, to know what it felt like to be so unfairly accused. She wasn't entirely sure, herself.
When Zi Wei did not say anything, Qian Long heaved another long sigh.
"You are right," he finally admitted. Just as she turned her eyes back towards him as he started speaking, she found him looking away from her to stare towards the window instead. "I have wronged your mother, in making her wait for me her entire life. I further wronged her when I doubted her. You can be angry at me for that."
He turned back to her. Despite her still lingering anger, Zi Wei's breath caught in her throat as she saw the desperate pain that shined in his eyes as their gazes met. It could not be clearer that, in that moment, he was regretting the way the love, trust and reverence she once had for him was so suddenly and painfully knocked down due to his own callous words.
"But Zi Wei, everything then happened in such quick succession, I hardly had time to let one shock sink in before another appeared. Is it really fair of you to hold the fact that I did not come to my senses before your relatives took back their words, when their recantation happened merely days after their lies?"
Zi Wei found herself unable to answer. She almost feared that if she spoke now, the little orphan girl who had longed for a father all her life inside her would take over and demand that she forgive and forget everything that had happened, so that she could simply accept that she had a father again, along with the love that he was offering. And yet, like a child who had been burnt, the part of her that had been so hurt by his doubts was terrified of that love, and the only way to stop herself from grabbing at that flame was to tell herself that she was still hurt, and that she should not so easily forgive him.
"I would like to think, Zi Wei," Qian Long continued to speak, when she remained silent, "that even if Er Tai had not gotten the truth out of your relatives that day, once I had more time to think, and my heart was no longer in such turmoil, I would have come to the conclusion on my own that their words were plainly slanders against your mother. She would not have deceived me."
"Of course Huang Shang would say that now," Zi Wei said, though her voice was not half as cold as her words implied.
"I know I cannot make you believe me. I am simply asking you to use that intellect you are so blessed with to think about this with more rationality," Qian Long said. There was a sense of earnest pleading in his voice that tugged dangerously at Zi Wei's heartstrings. "We both have hurt each other, Zi Wei, and though you have so stubbornly refused to go home, am I not still here?"
"Why are you here?" she found herself asking softly.
"You refuse to come home," he said with such sadness that unsettled her. "Was I supposed to issue an imperial order to compel you to return to the palace? Or should I come here, not as the emperor, but as your father, to beg you to come home?"
Despite her best efforts to stay visibly aloof, Zi Wei found herself trembling with emotions at his frankness. She could not help but be moved by this candid vulnerability she was exhibiting, which she knew was rare for him, the emperor who was so used to showing the world his strength and might.
Before Zi Wei could actually say anything in reply, Qian Long said, "Well, we should go find He Qi and Xiao Hu. I told them when I arrived to wait for us to start lunch, and they must be hungry now."
If her father intended this pause in their conversation as a way of stalling her reaction to his very honest words, Zi Wei did not entirely mind. She still did not quite know what to say, in any case, so in the end, she only followed her father out of the room to look for her brother and sister.
Zi Wei wondered as the four of them sat down to lunch of where Xiao Jian was, but considering Huang Ah Ma was sitting right next to her, she could not lean over to ask Xiao Hu. It was probably a good thing that Xiao Jian was not here, because that would add another strange tension to this meal and Zi Wei didn't think she was in control enough of her own confusing feelings towards Huang Ah Ma to help Xiao Hu navigate his if Xiao Jian were here.
She was startled out of her reverie, as in that moment, Li Yu clapped his hands and several palace maids glided into the room, placing dishes on the table.
"Zi Wei, Xiao Hu, He Qi," the emperor said jovially as the servants, including Li Yu, withdrew, leaving father and children together, "you three must all miss all your favourite food that only the imperial kitchens can make properly. I have ordered them to make all your favourite dishes, and charged Li Yu with making sure the food is still warm once it gets here. Have a taste, have a taste, see if it's all still hot."
For a moment, all three of them could only look at the dishes on the table and blink back tears. Even though it did not take much for the emperor to give an order to the kitchen, he had nevertheless put more thoughts to this visit than any of them had expected. It was clear to them now that he was no longer simply assuming that they would all push aside their own feelings of hurt in order to forgive him, especially now that he had released them from their punishment of house arrest. Instead, these attempts at cajoling them into a reconciliation clearly showed that he was willing to put aside his own pride as well.
"Huang Ah Ma, you must not be so nice to us," Xiao Hu said in a voice choked with emotions. "I would rather that you were angry, that you scold us and shout at us. I can't deal with it if you were so nice to us. It only makes me feel even more guilty for everything we have done."
"Huang Ah Ma," He Qi said, lips trembling as well, "we have deceived you and betrayed you so painfully, and yet you have been generous enough to forgive us. Now, you are here trying so hard to comfort us. We do not deserve this."
Zi Wei found herself rapidly blinking back tears, too emotional to speak. Yet, her heart could not help but echo Xiao Hu and He Qi's sentiments. She would much rather have to deal with rage and anger from the emperor, rather than such sincere efforts to comfort their bruised hearts.
"You are all the limbs of my body," Qian Long said gruffly, looking around at them all. "Being without you all this time has hurt me more than any other loss. But time has passed. I hope that whatever anger and hurt you bear can be put aside as well. I have missed you."
Zi Wei didn't know what it was about those final words that broke through her last defences; she only knew that as soon as she heard them, a sob broke out from deep inside her.
"Huang Ah Ma," she found herself saying.
She could see her father heave a visible sigh of relief as he reached over and put his arm around her. At his touch, Zi Wei couldn't help but lean into his embrace, sniffling back her tears.
"What precious words," the emperor said, his own voice trembling with emotions. "You've finally said the words that I've been longing for."
"I'm sorry," Zi Wei said, still through tears. "I – "
"There's no need to say anything more," Qian Long replied when she could not go on. "As you have forgiven me, then how can I too not forgive you all? What is past is gone, let us not speak any more of it. Let this little family feud between us end here."
Zi Wei brushed away her tears before gazing up at him, nodded. Beside them, Xiao Hu and He Qi exchanged a brief look, neither of them dry-eyed either, before smiling and nodding at the emperor as well.
"All is well now," Qian Long said, releasing Zi Wei and sitting back. "Come, let us eat. The food is getting cold."
For the next few moments, they all busied themselves with the business of eating, each of them trying to sort and resettle their turbulent emotions.
"I am surprised that I do not find Er Kang here today," Qian Long said a few moments later. "I have sent the order to restore him to his position and allow him to move freely about."
"Sai Ya sent me a message earlier this morning," He Qi said, smiling. "They are all wanting to come visit and see the baby, but weren't sure if it was too soon after the birth. I have invited them to come tomorrow. I didn't know Huang Ah Ma was coming here today, otherwise I would have told them to come this afternoon to pay respect to Huang Ah Ma."
The emperor waved the suggestion away. "I'm sure they all would rather look forward to seeing and being reunited with you all. It is just as well that they are coming tomorrow. However, I suppose in that case, Zi Wei, I should tell Ling Fei to let those at Jing Yang Gong know to expect you to return to the palace the day after?"
Zi Wei looked up at him with eyes wide with gratitude that he was not pressing her immediate return, but was allowing her to stay one more day so that her reunion with Er Kang after so many months could take place here, away from the scrutiny of the imperial palace.
"Yes, Huang Ah Ma," she managed to say, smiling. "Thank you."
The rest of the meal passed in relative peace, though the adrenaline and emotions of the last few days were still coursing through all of them with enough intensity that it was difficult for anyone to remember later exactly what they talked of. Still, by the time they were walking the emperor towards the gate to his carriage so that he could return to the palace, Xiao Hu, He Qi and Zi Wei all found their hearts much lighter than they were a day ago.
He Qi looped her arm around Zi Wei's as they walked back after seeing their father off. "Everything all right?" she asked.
Zi Wei turned to smile at her and nodded.
"I'm sure you'll be much happier tomorrow once you see Er Kang again," Xiao Hu said, laughing.
Zi Wei gave him a half-hearted glare which only made him laugh even harder.
"We could just invite them over for dinner, now that Huang Ah Ma has come and gone," He Qi suggested.
"Aren't you tired?" Zi Wei asked. "Shouldn't you get some rest?"
"Zi Wei," He Qi answered indulgently, "it's not like Er Kang is really coming to see me."
Zi Wei blushed at He Qi's teasing smile and shook her head. "We should wait until tomorrow. After all, it probably wouldn't look good if it reaches Huang Ah Ma's ears that we invited the Fu family over this evening after you already told him that we were expecting them tomorrow."
Despite her words to He Qi, Zi Wei nevertheless found it difficult to sleep that night, and found herself awake before dawn. Just as Jin Suo just finished helping her dress her hair, Xiao Deng Zi came in to let her know that the Fu family's carriage was approaching the gate.
Zi Wei ran out of the room and managed to meet Er Kang, Er Tai and Sai Ya just behind the second gate of the manor.
Er Kang ran forward as soon as he spied her and grabbed her hand. Zi Wei was sure if Er Tai and Sai Ya were not following behind, albeit at a much more sedate pace, Er Kang would have grabbed her into an embrace.
"Are you well?" he asked, somehow trying to put all of his worry over many months into the one question.
"I'm fine," she said, smiling and squeezing his hands. Then, looking towards Er Tai and Sai Ya approaching, she added, "You have all come so early. I'm not sure if Jiejie and Xiao Hu have even risen yet."
"See, Brother, I told you it was rude to arrive so early," Er Tai said with mock consternation, while Sai Ya laughed next to them. "They'll be forced to feed us breakfast now, and suddenly there will be talk that our Fu family can't even afford a few mantou."
Er Kang glared half-heartedly at his brother. "As if you were any less eager than me this morning."
"Well, since the master and mistress of the house probably aren't even up yet, you'll have to keep us company, Zi Wei," Er Tai said, ignoring his brother.
Sai Ya gave her husband a swat on the arm. "You should not tease them so," she said. Then, tugging on his hand, she added, "Come on, let's go inside to wait for He Qi and Xiao Hu and let your brother and Zi Wei talk."
There was a flash of mischief in Er Tai's eyes and for a moment, it looked as if he would not comply. Then, Er Kang gave him a pointed look and a shove, at which Er Tai simply laughed. Thankfully, he only then tilted his head at them, before following Sai Ya into the manor.
Once they were alone, Er Kang pulled Zi Wei swiftly into his arms. "I've missed you so much, I thought I'd die!"
Zi Wei brought her arms up slowly to wrap around him and rested her head against his broad shoulder, relishing in the warmth of him. She hardly dared to breath too loudly, almost fearing that if she did, he would disappear from her sight.
"I've missed you too," she finally whispered, rubbing her cheek against the soft fabric of his shirt.
Releasing her enough so that he could look into her face, Er Kang asked urgently, "You are well? Truly?"
"Of course," she assured him. "Other than restricted movements, you know we have not been mistreated her at all."
"Still," he said breathlessly, "I worried."
"I am well, truly."
Er Kang breathed a sigh of relief and kissed her forehead.
"And you?" she asked, when he pulled away. "How have you been?"
"Missing you. Worried about you. You were in such low spirits when we parted, and it's been such a long time. I couldn't rest easy."
Zi Wei sighed heavily. "That is over now."
"Is it?"
"Yes," Zi Wei said, hoping that her smile was enough to settle his worries. "Huang Ah Ma and I have come to a reconciliation. I return to the palace tomorrow."
"And Huang Shang has truly forgiven us all?" Er Kang asked.
"You have not seen him?"
"No, not yet. I really should go into the palace today to thank him for restoring my position," Er Kang admitted. "But I wanted to see you more."
Somehow, this breach of etiquette made Zi Wei laugh. "Well, Jiejie told Huang Ah Ma yesterday that we were expecting you here today, so he should not expect you. But he is not angry at us anymore, which is a good thing."
"And you are no longer angry at him?" Er Kang asked tentatively.
Zi Wei gave a wan smile. "It took some persuasion, but no, I am no longer angry and have decided to forgive him. My mind hasn't exactly been at peace in the past few months, but after all the time in my life that I've lost with Huang Ah Ma, it just came to a point where continued anger was pointless and a waste."
"If you are truly at peace with it, then I am happy for you, Zi Wei," Er Kang said gently. "I just hope you have forgiven Huang Shang because you truly want to, and not because of any other reason."
"I have truly made peace with it. In any case, we both hurt each other, and if there is healing to be had, we both have to meet each other in the middle. He took the first steps towards that, and I need to be willing to do my part as well."
Er Kang nodded and held her hand more securely, entwining their fingers together.
Before either of them could say anything else, however, there were movements behind them. Zi Wei turned to find a long line of Fu family servants bearing trays of gifts approaching.
"We went out too early this morning, the servants didn't have the gifts to congratulate He Qi and Xiao Hu on the baby ready yet," Er Kang explained. "My mother must have sent them along after us, which is just as well. It is rather bad form that we showed up empty handed."
"They wouldn't have minded," Zi Wei said. "We've all missed each other and they would be happy to just see you all."
Er Kang smiled.
"Da Shaoye, where should we go from here?" the servant at the head of the line asked as he stopped in front of Er Kang.
"Come with me," Er Kang said. Then, still holding Zi Wei's hand, the two of them lead the servants bearing gifts into the manor to finally look for He Qi and Xiao Hu.
Er Kang and Zi Wei eventually found He Qi, Xiao Hu, Xiao Jian, Jin Suo, Er Tai and Sai Ya in the warm partition of He Qi and Xiao Hu's rooms. Sai Ya was holding little Xia Er in her arms while the others crowded around her.
"Mother sent the gifts along behind us," Er Kang said to Er Tai, once everyone had all greeted each other and made delighted expressions of happiness at the reunion. To He Qi, he added, "I've left them all with Xiao Zhuo Zi."
"It was enough to finally see you all again," He Qi said, beaming. "Anything else is just extra flowers on brocade."
"Well, you did just have your first-born son, we can hardly come not bearing gifts," Er Kang said, smiling. "Congratulations, by the way."
"Brother, it seems that you and Xiao Jian have some catching up to do with these two younger brothers," Er Tai said, grinning and exchanging a mock-smug look with Xiao Hu.
"Well, I'm not exactly in control of that yet, am I?" Er Kang answered, rolling his eyes while Zi Wei casted her eyes down, embarrassed.
"Don't worry," He Qi said, laughing. "Huang Ah Ma did say yesterday that once Zi Wei has returned to the palace, he will start looking at deciding on a date for the two of you soon."
"Jiejie!" Zi Wei exclaimed softly, blushing.
He Qi chuckled, but then decided to spare her sister.
"Come," she said instead. "Let's see if breakfast is ready."
Over breakfast, the eight of them discussed their next plans.
"I really should go into the palace tomorrow to pay respect to Huang Shang," Er Kang said. "I've already put it off today, and any more delay would just be ungrateful and disrespectful."
"Yes, I was thinking Xiao Hu and I should escort Zi Wei back to the palace tomorrow and go pay respect to Lao Fo Ye and Ling Fei Niang Niang in the process," He Qi said.
"In that case, we should check on Liu Qing and Liu Hong today, shouldn't we?" Xiao Hu asked. "I know they should be all right, but still, we have been out of touch for so long. It would be good to be assured that they have been doing well."
"Are you up to a trip to Hui Bin Lou?" Zi Wei asked He Qi. "We could just send a carriage and invite them to come here for lunch instead."
"Yeah, that might actually be a better idea," Xiao Hu said, giving Zi Wei a grateful look for the reminder that He Qi did just give birth barely three days ago, and might just want to stay home, especially when they were already planning to go into the palace the day after.
"Let's do that, then," He Qi said. "It really would be great to see Liu Qing and Liu Hong again."
Liu Qing and Liu Hong arrived at He Hui Fu a couple of hours later. The group of friends, being finally reunited and assured that everyone was alive and well, were happier than ever.
"Business has been thriving, actually," Liu Qing reported with a laugh when Er Kang asked. "The destructions caused by the empress's people that day when they tried to capture us just made rumours fly around the city about what we were going, what happened to us and who was involved in our business. After we managed to make all the reparations and reopened, we had more customers than ever. Some people obviously came just out of curiosity in the beginning, but I guess our food and drinks must be good enough that they keep coming back."
"That's so good to know!" Xiao Hu cried, grinning. "I know you'd manage, whatever happened, but it's great that Hui Bin Lou is doing well."
"We have been more worried about all of you," Liu Hong said, "but it does seem all's well that ends well."
"Everything is well now, but I wish you lot didn't nearly kill me with worry when everything was happening," Er Tai grumbled. "You all owe me, by the way, for keeping me out of the loop, and then making me save all your hides. I expect to be paid back, eventually, with interest."
Er Kang turned to his brother, clasped his hands in front of him and bowed deeply. "In the future, anything you need, just ask, and this brother will do everything you ask."
"I'm holding you to that," Er Tai said, but he was grinning.
"No, but seriously, Er Tai, thank you," He Qi said. "We would have been a lot worse off after everything got discovered without you."
"Yes, that's me," Er Tai said, deadpan, "saviour extraordinaire of people who are too noble and chivalrous for their own good that they would burn themselves to keep others warm."
As it was a reunion, they all had a cup of mild wine in front of them, and Xiao Hu now raised his. "We really must drink a toast to you, mustn't we, for putting up with all of us."
"I'll drink to that," Er Tai said, laughing. "As well as to the latest addition to our big family, of course, Fang Xia Shaoye!"
Everyone else laughed as well and raised their cups in approval.
"Ganbei!"
As they were all sipping tea after lunch, Xiao Jian suddenly said to the group. "I suppose now that we are all gathered, I should say goodbye."
"What?" Xiao Hu asked, turning abruptly towards him, staring in astonishment. "What are you talking about?"
"I have been thinking, now that your crisis is over, I really should leave Beijing."
"Why?" Xiao Hu demanded. "Where do you want to go? Why do you want to go?"
"Xiao Hu, I came to Beijing, hoping to find you, and now that I have. You have built a good life for yourself here, with people who love you, and you are happy. That is all I could ever hope for. Now that I am assured about you, I should not remain in Beijing."
"I don't understand," Xiao Hu said, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice. "Why would you want to leave?"
"You must see the curious way the emperor looked at me the couple of previous times we came face to face. He hasn't asked, but sooner or later, he will want to know more about me. Yes, we have a story to tell him in lieu of our actual family history, but Xiao Hu, I don't have the same emotional connection to him as you do. I cannot control my emotions around him, and I am afraid that sooner or later I will let something slip, and endanger you all."
"Brother, I understand your concerns," He Qi said, when it was clear that Xiao Hu was momentarily too upset to speak. "But that surely doesn't mean you must leave Beijing. If you do not feel comfortable here, where the chances of running into Huang Ah Ma is high, then surely it's just a matter of finding another place to live."
"Yes, that's right," Liu Qing said. "You know you are also welcome at Hui Bin Lou. In any case, you and Xiao Hu have been lost to each other for so many years, why must you separate again?"
Xiao Jian looked around at everyone's expectant faces and sighed. "I know you all want me to stay. And honestly, the last few months has been wonderful. Xiao Hu, I would not trade the time we had together for anything, and I am happy for everything you have. But I cannot deny that years of thoughts of vengeance is hard to shake. It was one thing when we did not see the emperor, but now…I think everyone will be more at ease if I were to leave."
"At ease?" Xiao Hu said in a hurt voice. "How could I be at ease if you were to just leave and we don't know when we would ever see each other again? As He Qi said, you don't have to stay here and tempt seeing Huang Ah Ma, but why won't you even think about remaining in Beijing for me?"
"Xiao Hu, you have a family and life of your own now, you don't need me anymore."
"What nonsense is that? Why can't I need you? Why can't I have this life and you as well? Are you saying I can only have one or the other? How could you just abandon me?"
"Xiao Jian, I know you must have other responsibilities elsewhere," Er Kang said in a more sedate tone, when Xiao Jian couldn't immediately answer Xiao Hu. "Of course, if you were to leave to take of those responsibilities, everyone would understand. But from the way you were speaking, it seems as if you are preparing to say goodbye forever, and that can't be! We will help you avoid Huang Shang and fend off any attention he might wish to pay to you, if you wish, but removing yourself totally from everyone's lives, especially from Xiao Hu, is just too much! You must reconsider!"
Xiao Jian looked around, from Er Kang's earnest expression, to He Qi's concern, and finally Xiao Hu's hurt that was turning into anger. He didn't know how to explain that as much as he wanted to stay and make up for all the time he and Xiao Hu had lost, he couldn't help feeling an unsettling sense of apprehension that staying was just going to make all their lives tangled together and tempting the secret of his identity to eventually be revealed to Qian Long. If that ever happened, he might be putting Xiao Hu's life in danger, or contribute to disrupting the peace in his life with He Qi, and he didn't think he would ever be able to live with that. Xiao Jian didn't even know if this feeling had any logic, or whether he was simply allowing his self-doubt and fear of the unknown to get the better of him.
"Xiao Jian, if there is anything I have learnt lately, it is that one can't run away from the obstacles in one's life," Zi Wei said gently. "Life will always be full of challenges, but avoiding them is going to just make those challenges even more scary and harmful. You can only face those challenges when they appear. That is the only way to overcome them and move on to a happier chapter of life."
Xiao Jian turned to look at Xiao Hu again, who was nodding to every one of Zi Wei's words.
"Brother, I'm not letting you go!" Xiao Hu declared stubbornly. "There are so many ways to prevent you from ever being confronted with Huang Ah Ma without us having to be separated again."
"Xiao Hu is right, Xiao Jian. There are ways to mitigate the risks of your family secret. You just have to allow us to help you with it, Xiao Jian," Er Kang said.
Xiao Jian sighed in the face of all their persuasion. "All right," he said, nodding in resignation. "I will stay, but you are right that we must now prioritise coming with ideas of what we would do if the secret of our father's identity ever gets revealed. I cannot bear the thought of being caught off guards."
"We will make sure we never get caught in such a situation," Er Kang agreed.
Xiao Hu gave Xiao Jian a slap on the back. "If He Qi and I can live with our family secret, Brother," he said confidently, "then we can figure out a way for you to remain near me and not trigger any confrontation with Huang Ah Ma!"
Zi Wei's return to the palace and the first meeting after many months with Lao Fo Ye was not as nerve-wrecking as she had initially expected, mostly because Lao Fo Ye was too occupied with asking after He Qi's wellbeing to express any criticism of the fact that Zi Wei had not immediately been eager to return to the palace.
After leaving Ci Ning Gong, both He Qi and Zi Wei came to the reluctant conclusion that they could not return to the palace after months away and also not go pay their respects to the empress. So after Ci Ning Gong, they made their way to Kun Ning Gong, with Xiao Hu following reluctantly. The emperor offered to accompany them to ward off any aggression from the empress. His presence meant that the meeting was merely uncomfortable, but also thankfully short, as the emperor was soon called away on state business. He Qi, Zi Wei and Xiao Hu also then made their excuses to leave with him, and from there escape to Jing Yang Gong.
"Well, at least now that all the first meetings are over, you would probably be left alone to adjust to the palace again," He Qi said to Zi Wei.
"I just hope Huang Hou won't cause trouble for you again," Xiao Hu said darkly.
"I don't think she will," He Qi said. "She's no longer confined to her palace, but it's clear today that Huang Ah Ma still remembers what she tried to do in accusing Zi Wei and her mother. Lao Fo Ye has been disappointed by what Huang Hou did as well, so she doesn't even have that support now. She's not going to want to provoke Huang Ah Ma's anger any time soon, especially not with causing trouble for Zi Wei, not now when Huang Ah Ma has made it clear that he has totally forgiven us all."
"That's all I could hope for, really," Zi Wei said, "that she leaves me alone. I've never wanted to make an enemy of her. I don't know why she ever considered me important enough to make an enemy of herself."
"Well, hopefully it is all behind us now," He Qi said. "And soon, you will be married and out of her hair, which can only be happy occasion for everyone involved."
Despite unable to help feeling some initial trepidations, Zi Wei found that it was surprisingly easy to slip back into life in the palace. She did miss being able to see Xiao Hu and He Qi on a daily basis, but was comforted by the fact that she could now freely see Er Kang whenever he happened to be in the palace.
About a month after her return, the emperor and empress dowager finally consulted the calendar and selected a date for when she and Er Kang would marry, just after the new year festivities were over. Zi Wei's days after that were filled with wedding preparations and anticipation.
One afternoon, about a month before the wedding, Zi Wei extracted Jin Suo away from checking over the numerous items of her dowry that the Internal Affairs Department had prepared. They sat down at a table with tea and some snacks, just the two of them.
"Jin Suo, we should talk about what you should do, after I get married," Zi Wei said.
"What I should do? Xiaojie, I will follow you, of course."
Zi Wei smiled and took Jin Suo's hand. "Jin Suo, you have been constantly by my side since I was nine years old. All these years, you have cared for me, worried for me, kept me company and supported me. You know that in my heart, you have long ceased to be just my maid, but have become my sister. As such, I should not make you continue to follow me like this, and not allow you a chance to live a life of your own."
"Xiaojie, I don't understand," Jin Suo said, her eyes widening with worry. "You don't need me anymore?"
"No, that is not it at all!" Zi Wei said, squeezing Jin Suo's hand. "Of course I will always cherish your company and your love. But if you keep following me every step of the way, you will forever remain my maid. You will never have the space or time to figure out what you want for yourself."
Zi Wei knew, having devoted her heart and life to Zi Wei's care all these years, naturally Jin Suo would fear the unknown and be unable to see that there was more to life than this. The doubts that lurked in Jin Suo's eyes now only confirmed to Zi Wei that this was the turning point, the important moment when she needed to convince Jin Suo that her world could contain so much more and be much richer than just the confines of Zi Wei's rooms and Zi Wei's needs.
"Jin Suo, you deserve a rest from having to think about my needs and worrying about me every day," Zi Wei said. "You deserve to live for yourself now, and think about what you want and need, and you deserve to do that away from me. So I would like for you to not have to follow me to the Fu family. As for where you would go instead, that is up for you to decide. I have asked Ling Fei Niang Niang to take some funds out of my dowry to give to you, so you will be able to have some property to call your own. So you could go to Hui Bin Lou, or Da Za Yuan, if you want the company, or set up your own life somewhere in Beijing. The important thing is, you will no longer be my servant, but your own person."
"But what about you? You will be beginning a whole new life, I really don't feel right to leave you to face it all by yourself."
"I won't be by myself," Zi Wei reminded her. "Ming Yue and Cai Xia are to accompany to Fu residence, and I am sure the Fu family have servants enough to take care of me. Er Kang will be there to take care of me too. I want you to feel that you have done enough for me all these years, and now, you can put down your responsibilities for me."
"Xiaojie, I really don't want to leave you," Jin Suo said tearfully. "For all these years, we have been constantly together from dawn to dusk almost everyday. How could I give that up?"
"Of course, I will miss having you constantly by my side. But once I am married and living outside the palace, there will be less restrictions on my movements so it's not like we will never see each other. Later, once you have established a life for yourself, I would of course welcome you with all my heart to stay with me as a friend, as a sister, at Fu residence. But for now, if you follow me there as my servant, we will never break away from this relationship, and then I would have wronged you. You deserve more than that."
Jin Suo still looked hesitant, and Zi Wei supposed she could understand. Of course it was scary to consider how vast the possibilities were, but precisely because they were so vast that Jin Suo needed the total freedom from Zi Wei to consider it all, in order to figure out what she wanted out of life.
"You don't need to know immediately what you want to do," Zi Wei said gently, rubbing the back of Jin Suo's hand. "I need to say this now, to give you the time to think about what you might want, if your life was no longer connected to mine. After all, I cannot feel like you are my sister and not my servant, and still expect you to always be with me and live according to my terms. You need to tell yourself you are allowed to live according to your own wishes as well. All our friends, especially Er Kang and I, will help you and support you while you figure out what those might be, and after you decide how you want your life to be. So for now, I just want you to think about it, all right?"
Jin Suo did not immediately answer, and for a moment, the two of them contemplated the tea and plate of hibiscus pastry between them.
"Xiaojie," Jin Suo finally said after a long moment, "you are right. You have been my entire universe for so long, I don't know what life could be like if I was no longer your maid. I also know you are saying this because you care for me, and not because you want to be rid of me. So I promise you for now that I will think about your words carefully. You are right, I truly don't know what I want right now, but I promise I will let you know once I figure it out."
Zi Wei smiled widely and reached over to put her arms around Jin Suo, hugging her tightly. "I am grateful for everything you have given me all these years. But now, everything is changing for me, and so they should for you as well, Jin Suo. This is your opportunity, your future, and just know that I will be by your side no matter what you decide."
There was a sniffle and Zi Wei could feel Jin Suo brushing away tears, but these she knew were not unhappy tears. So Zi Wei merely smiled softly to herself and savoured the moment of Jin Suo wrapping her arms around her and hugging her back. They were now in a fork in the road that neither of them could possibly have imagined when they first arrived in Beijing many months ago. However, as unknown as the paths ahead of them were, Zi Wei knew their lives had accumulated and built towards this moment, and it was now time that they each step into their own future, together and apart, both mutually supporting each other as sisters should.
And so it was, a few days before Zi Wei's wedding, Jin Suo found Zi Wei in a rare moment alone and sat down next to her.
"I spoke to Liu Hong when we went to see them yesterday," Jin Suo said. "She says that with how busy the restaurant is, they really could do with some help. Especially now that Liu Qing and Liu Hong are intending to specialise in Shandong cuisine. I think in that case, I think I will go to Hui Bin Lou and help them there."
"If you are happy to join Liu Qing and Liu Hong at Hui Bin Lou, I'm more than happy for you," Zi Wei said, smiling. "It will be a change of pace from how quiet things can be here in Jing Yang Gong, of course, but that's probably a good thing. And you will have the company of friends."
"Yes, there will be enough things to occupy me but also give me the independence, which is exactly what I need. And it is exactly what Liu Qing and Liu Hong need too, so they are happy to have me." Jin Suo reached over and took Zi Wei's hand. "Xiaojie, I just want to thank you. I would gladly stay with you forever, but you are right that this change is not bad either. And we will see each other often enough at Hui Bin Lou."
Zi Wei nodded, feeling elated that Jin Suo was finally making decisions for herself independent of her.
"If you are no longer to be my maid, perhaps you shouldn't continue calling me Xiaojie any longer," Zi Wei said.
"I've never called you anything else," Jin Suo replied. "I'm not sure I can call you anything else."
"I'm not going to answer to Xiaojie from now on, just so you know."
The hint of challenge in Zi Wei's voice made Jin Suo's cheeks colour. She struggled for a few moments, before finally saying softly, "Zi Wei Jiejie."
A/N: There is only the wedding to go. I was going to put it in with this chapter, but then I think it stands slightly better on its own, even though it will be a much shorter chapter compared to others. Since I'm posting it immediately now, you're getting it all at once just as if it was part of this chapter anyway.