Chapter 9

I stood in the small clearing, eyeing the target wearily. It was new, untouched. A fresh canvas. No one had dared mark the strange leather material, the circles that depicted outer, inner and middle. I felt a touch apprehensive, unsure if this was what I really should be doing. Target practice. Such a mundane thing. Something I had not done in so long. I stared at it, lost. What was I to do? Pick up a bow and arrow? Just shoot and hope for the best? What if I missed. Could I really look at another bow and arrow if I missed? I had been trained by the world's best archer. If I missed, if I even had a millimetre of the arrow tip on the white surround the circles, I knew I would never pick up a bow again. I had let them down, let them all down. Could I really trust myself to not let Clint down?

Knowing I was never going to get anywhere if I kept letting my thoughts break through my concentration, I bent slowly, lifting the bow from its case. I gripped and ungripped it a few times, testing the weight in my hand. It felt strange. Not in a bad way, but like coming home. It had been too long since I had held one. Way too long.

I pulled an arrow from my quiver, and raised my bow, placing the arrow in its hook. I blew out all the air in my lungs, and drew a deep, deep breath. Aiming, holding steady, I made sure the red of the middle of the target was aimed ever so slightly off by a few millimetres, accounting for the languid breeze that blew every so often. My heartbeat slowed, letting my breath out and drawing in another deep one. I was calming my nerves, the anxiety creeping up on me like a slowly filling bath. The next breath, I would release.

"HELLO?!" I yelped, my arrow leasing. I was not ready but could not bring myself to look to see where it landed. Instead, I turned to where I had had heard the voice. Coming around the corner, I instantly recognised the Sheriff, though he was minus a uniform. "Sorry, hope I did not startle you." I smiled at him, resting my bow back into its case.

"What can I do you for?" I closed the lid quickly, turning my back towards the target. I was itching to see where the arrow had landed, but also terrified to look. If I could not do something so basic and ingrained into the very fibre of my being, then I knew then that there was no hope for me. I would go back and leave properly. I was not an Avenger. As much as I played pretend, I could not get over the fact that I would never be like any of them. I was damaged, broken. No one wanted something beyond repair, not when they could get a shiny new one. It was the truth, as much as it pained me.

"I came to drop a few things off. Figured you could use some groceries and… ermn, toiletries," he replied sheepishly, "…but I have to say I am impressed. If that is what you can do by accident, I would hate to see what you can do when you concentrate." He nodded in the direction of the target, and I decided to risk a glance. My face fell in pure shock, my heart stopping in my chest. It had landed. Exactly on the black dot. My mouth opened and closed a few times, while my brain tried to catch up with itself.

"Honestly, I was not expecting it to even hit the target," I murmured in pure disbelief. He let out a small chuckle, nodding thoughtfully.

"Do you shoot often? There is a good range about 30 clicks west of here, they have good targets for archery and shooting, if it is something you might be interested in." He turned slightly to the direction he came in, splaying his hand out to indicate I should follow, so my numb mind let my legs do the work.

"I used to… Not so much anymore…" My thoughts swirled with the memories. Such a torturous time of my life…

*flashback*

A young Iris trudged quietly beside the elder man, as they walked through the many different displays. Laura had decided it would be a good idea to take a trip to the zoo, to try and bring the small thing out of her shell a bit more. It had been an easy decision to take her into their family, but she had yet to say anything to them. They both knew it would take time. Going through something as traumatic as Iris had at such a tender young age was horrendous and Laura's heart cried at the thought.

"Cooper, Iris, where would you like to go next?" Clint asked, smiling down at the kids. He watched in awe as the young girl, so full of mystery and pain, turned to the young buy and smiled. She was so good with him, considering everything. She might not have broached Clint and Laura with much yet, but she played with Cooper, helped him when he was sad or hurt. It had only been a few months, but she had become special to him, and he knew that she cared for him too.

"Birds, please," she said simply, quietly. Clint and Laura both done well to keep the looks of surprise off their faces, but gladly took the pair through the bird sanctuary. It had amused Clint to see the young girl become so enamoured with a Hawk of all birds. It was how she had gained her nickname 'Little Bird'. They had thoroughly enjoyed the day out, and when they had brought them to the shop at the exit, a little bit of pride bled through when she had gone straight to the toy bow and arrow, and a little hawk teddy. He knew then that these things she had chosen, were chosen with careful thought. She had even picked out a little Hawk teddy for Cooper. Iris was theirs, and maybe, just maybe, they would become hers too…

*End Flashback*

We headed over to his car, and he popped the trunk to reveal two large shopping bags. I held my excitement as I spotted a box of blueberry pop tarts leaning precariously over the edge of one of the bags. They were my ultimate favourite snack, one that Loki had brought me many times when I was feeling down. A fond smile took its place on my face as I thought of him. He would be such an idiot sometimes, but he had such a gentleness about him that he only ever let me see. I missed him greatly.

"Thank you, Sheriff. You did not have to," I said, helping him lift the bags out.

"Please, John when I am not in uniform… and you will also need this," he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a map. I took it gratefully, studying the colour co-ordinated routes. "I made the liberty to mark out places of interest. Nearest grocery store and a doctor's, should the need arise." I nodded, pocketing the map.

"Thank you, She- John. You really did not have to." We set the bags just in the hall, and he handed me a small slip of paper, with two phone numbers.

"If you need anything at all, top one is the office, bottom one is mine, please call. A lift, or a friend to talk to. Or just to see my amazing archery skills," he said with a wink. I felt my cheeks pinken slightly at that, my gaze dropping to the ground. Had I been watching his reaction to mine; I would have seen the brief flash of green that bled into his eyes. I would have realised then that this man before me was not John. But I did not see it. To me, he was just a stranger intent on helping another.

Other Iris helped me into the kitchen with the bags, and we began to take out the goodies held inside.

"Do you not find this rather strange, mortal?" she asked me, waving a box of chocolate cookies like she was brandishing a weapon. I snatched them off her, setting them beside the rest.

"What do you find strange? The fact he would not take anything for it, or the fact that someone did something for no reason other than to just do it?" I eyed her, as she again waved things about me. I shook my head, beginning to put the few fridge and freezer items away.

"Most of the items here are practically everything you enjoy. Meat feast pizza, blueberry pop tarts, even the brand of tampons… Something is off with that man," she said. I pinched the bridge of my nose in annoyance, breathing out and in slowly. I was starting to get fed up with Other Iris' constant paranoia. I was bad enough on my own, but two of us was just too much for me to handle.

"The shops here sell all the same things. It is entirely possible that this just so happened to be what he lifted. You never look a gift horse in the mouth, and I for one am not… Now let us put the rest of this stuff away, decide what we will have for dinner, and then we have a target out there with my name on it."

We continued in silence, one which I was grateful for. To appease her paranoia, I had A.I.M.I. check the database as discreetly as possible to see where Loki was, and she shut up when we could clearly see him through the C.C.T.V. camera in the conference room with the rest of the team, prepping for the next mission. There was no way he could travel that fast, even for a God.

Once the last item was put away, I stretched briefly, lifted a biscuit and made my way back outside to the target area. I still could not believe I had hit the target. Part of me wondered if it was just a fluke. Flukes happened, just as much as coincidences. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I lifted my bow from its case once more, lifted an arrow, and prepped it.

"Would it not be wise to remove the arrow already there?" Another iris asked. I ignored her, taking in a deep breath, and released on the exhale. It landed with such a force it knocked the target over. I did a little happy dance, before walking over to the target to see where it landed. Almost in the exact same place as before. Que air pump.

"Needed to make sure it was not a fluke. I still got it," I said. A dazzling, genuine smile took over my face, and other iris returned it, with a slight nod of her head.

"A few more, and then you should move on to knives. It will be the real test. We only have the one's he gave us here, as far as you remember." I nodded, righted the target and took out the two arrows. They dropped to the ground, as a wave hit me, and I held onto the target. It was short though, shorter than they normally were.

I had spent the next two weeks training as much as I could handle. Archery was easy, knife throwing had come back after three or four hours of continuous practice. I had had very few episodes and was slowly regaining my physical strength. I had managed three full laps with no breaks. It might not have been much, but to me it was the whole world.

"I might test a trip into the village today, do something different, what do you think?" I turned to watch as Other Iris struggled to keep a hold of the butter knife. It kept slipping from her fingers. She cursed. "Need help?" She glared at me.

"While I am pleased with the progress you have been making, it is startling to realise I am getting weaker. It is a strange feeling, mortal. The road to recovery was meant to be fraught with danger. Yet you seem to have taken back to basics quite literally. I had hoped the trauma of your kidnapping would take much longer to heal. Seems I was wrong." I was surprised by her honesty, yet also taken a little back.

"The trauma? That is why you are here? Cause of the DAMNED TRAUMA?!" I screeched. She stopped what she was doing, realising that her words had upset me. Carefully, she set the knife down and crossed her arms over her chest.

"When you refused to break, I was summoned. To protect you. To remind you why you had to hold on, because you would have rather accepted death than give them what they wanted. You were all but ready to throw your life away, and I would not let that happen. Your story has only just begun. Do you need reminded of that? How you were so desperate for the sweet release of death, your body betrayed you to the darkness for me to be let free and save you? It is not something easy you can just let go of. The damage caused to you physically may have healed, but the emotional and mental damage can take years. Years. Yet you have seemed to slip back into the natural way of doing things with simple ease. Do you really expect me to believe that this was what you needed? Something else is a foot here, and I can feel it in my not-bones." She was seething with anger, her black bottomless pits for eyes flashing dangerously. I seethed too, shocked and hurt at her words.

"I did what I had to do to survive. If you are so apart of me, you would know that. There is only so much a person can take before they beg for death… So, what if I did? So, what if I was ready to give up in that split second? I was sure I was going to anyway. Out of everything I have been through, all the hardships and hurt, I was so shocked he came for me… but he may as well not have bothered. Look at where we are now? In the middle of nowhere away from everyone we love and care about because it is too painful to face that fact that I am not them, and I never will be. I am better off dead; I am just too much of a coward to pull the plug myself!" I stormed out, not looking back once. My heart ached; the tears streamed. I headed off in the direction of town. 'Loki, I really need you right now.'