Sunday, 15th October 2017

It was an interesting, thought-provoking morning at church, but it wasn't the sermon today Sherlock found himself thinking about afterwards. He had seen a short message in the weekly announcements that the church was now hosting a local chapter of Narcotics Anonymous with meetings three times a week.

The announcement set Sherlock to thinking. He felt he would like to attend meetings once in a while and perhaps even share his faith. He had heard during group sessions, whilst in rehab during that dark period of addiction in his early twenties, some of his fellow patients speak of the organisation and attending meetings. NA did not have a religious affiliation. However, a couple of people mentioned that some of the long-term recovering addicts claimed a faith in God that helped them overcome their addiction. Being an atheist at the time and more concerned with his ability at self-control, Sherlock had not thought much about that. Now, he realised he, too, could be a witness to how his newfound faith had been a factor in keeping him free of addiction. There were no guarantees that he would never again feel the urge to use, but he knew that if it ever became a temptation, he had not only Molly but Jesus on his side to help him stay clean.

After church, as they sat in the kitchen eating their lunch, Sherlock decided to broach the subject with Molly and spoke about going to NA meetings and possibly using it as an opportunity to witness to others about his faith.

"I think it's a wonderful idea, honey. Like it or not, you will always be a recovering addict. Even though God has been a large factor in your continuing recovery, the temptation to use may return one day. There are no guarantees that you will never feel the urge again, especially if you are under a great deal of stress. That's reality. I remember a man from our church a few years ago named Mike, who was a drug addict. He used to attend a Bible Study once in a while and talk about his struggle with addiction and how difficult it was for him to remain clean, despite his faith. He was such a lovely man, but he ended up falling back into drugs more than once because, even as a believer, the addiction was still there, and he wasn't always able to successfully fight it."

"What happened to him? Is he still at church?"

Molly stood to clear their lunch dishes and then returned to stand beside Sherlock where he still sat. He noted the sombre expression before she spoke. "He moved away and we heard from a family member a couple years later that he was killed in a hit-and-run accident. It was thought he was high at the time. But the point is, I have no doubt he was a sincere believer, but that didn't take away his addiction."

Despite the sad story, Sherlock breathed a sigh of relief. "I was worried you might think less of me for talking about going to NA meetings, that it might sound like I was being weak and not trusting God to keep me clean."

Molly laid her hand over his where it rested on the table. "Of course not. Faith doesn't take away the temptation to sin, it just increases our accountability and gives us more awareness of our wrongdoing. You know how hard it was for us to keep from succumbing to the temptation to be together physically before we were married. We're all susceptible to different kinds of temptation and sin, and for you, that is using drugs. There's nothing wrong with wanting to reinforce your recovery by speaking about it. Of course, it is also a bonus that you may also get the opportunity to share your faith and help others that way as well."

Sherlock turned his hand over so he could grasp hers. "Thank you, sweetheart. Your support in this means so much to me."

She bent over and kissed his cheek. "Always." Then she straightened again. "Should we do our Bible reading for the day now, seeing as I'm on night shift tonight and I'll have to try to get some sleep in a little while?"

"Fine with me."

A few minutes later, Sherlock read aloud the Bible reading for the day and Molly followed it with the devotion from Our Daily Bread. Sherlock enjoyed the time they spent together with this activity. It was always good to have someone to discuss spiritual matters with.

A short time later, Molly said, "I guess I'm going to head to the bedroom now."

"I'd offer to join you, but that would be counterproductive to your efforts to get some sleep," said Sherlock, and she giggled.

He gave her a tender kiss and watched her depart the sitting room.

With some time to himself, Sherlock decided it would be a good time to continue Molly's diary. He was both dreading and looking forward to what would undoubtedly be coming next. He had almost reached the timeline of that phone call, and he was very interested to read Molly's thoughts but concerned about how he would feel whilst reading them.

Well, it was time to find out. His usual preparations complete, Sherlock began to read.

…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…

May

I'm happy to report that Sherlock is much better. I've seen him a couple times, and I'm really amazed that he has managed to stay off the drugs. Honestly, I didn't know if he could do it given the severity of his dependence on them and his condition when I examined him in the ambulance. It was a miracle he survived. He has tremendous willpower, and I'm really proud of him. The withdrawal from that first night was so terrible. So, thank God he is over the worst of it. I just hope and pray he will never do anything like that again. How many times can you abuse your body that way without suffering permanent damage?

Anyway, I am definitely ready for things to go back to normal. It has been a pretty intense few months.

You are right, staying clean was more of a struggle because I had allowed my addiction to take over. I am very glad I was not alone when I was trying to stay clean. Having accountability to others definitely helped. You were one of my primary reasons for wanting to get clean too. I knew you were so disappointed with me, and I never liked disappointing you, my darling. Since Sherrinford, life has been so busy I really have not had any urge to indulge, but as I said earlier, I believe it would be prudent for me to go to an NA meeting every now and then. How ironic that I should have spoken about this topic to you just today. I know you will say it's a God thing and that there are no coincidences! XOX

May

So much for normal. Today there was an explosion in Baker Street and guess whose flat was blown up? You guessed it, Sherlock's! I saw a news report on the television and at first I felt cold dread spread through me when they showed an image of the blown out windows of Sherlock's flat. According to the news report though, there were no casualties although there was a report that someone had been taken to hospital with injuries. I called Mrs. Hudson and she answered the phone, thank goodness. Her flat was undamaged except for a few cracks in the ceiling, she said.

I asked her what happened, and she said she didn't know exactly. She just said that Mycroft and John had been with Sherlock at the time. Apparently Mycroft came dashing downstairs seconds before the explosion happened, and Sherlock and John were blown through the windows of the flat. Miraculously, there were rubbish skips below as Speedy's has been doing renovations. Mrs. Hudson said that Sherlock and John climbed out of the skips with no visible signs of injury. I am convinced that was a God thing. I mean, what are the odds of those skips being there to save their lives?

Mrs. Hudson told me that she overheard Sherlock saying some nonsense about an east wind and then he and John left in a hurry, along with Mycroft.

But what the heck happened, I wonder? According to the news report it was a suspected gas leak, but that makes no sense. If that were the case, why would Mycroft have been dashing down the stairs moments before the explosion occurred? And the reports of someone being taken to hospital with injuries is obviously false. Something is going on, and I am wondering if it has something to do with that Moriarty image from months ago.

The only thing I do know is that neither Sherlock nor John has answered my texts. I must admit I'm a little upset about that. Apparently I am not as close of a friend as I thought. But why? Why would Sherlock not think to at least let me know he is okay? Surely he realises I would be worried about him? Actually, I am feeling quite hurt about it. Well, I guess, as usual, I will wait to find out what's going on. I just hope it doesn't take too long.

It was very clever of you to suspect there was more to that explosion than met the eye. Of course, you know now what happened and why I really could not contact you because I was so busy making those preparations to go to Sherrinford, although in hindsight, I feel like I could have at least texted you to let you know I was okay. I simply did not think of it though, I was too absorbed in what was to come. I am sorry for what I put you through. At this point I have lost count of how many times I have apologised to you for my thoughtless actions. Thank God you are so quick to forgive me, my love! XOX

May

Well, Diary, I am shocked and devastated. Well, I suppose I am over the shock now that a day has passed. I just couldn't write it down yesterday because I pretty much went straight to bed and cried myself to sleep. I didn't go to church this morning either. Now I feel the need to express my thoughts on paper. Perhaps writing it down will be cathartic.

So, this is a day I will never forget. I have finally given up on the tiny hope I cherished for a possible romantic future with Sherlock. A little while ago I had a phone call from Mycroft which basically shredded all my hopes and dreams for Sherlock into a million pieces once and for all. But before I go into that, I suppose I should explain what happened.

Anyway, yesterday I wasn't feeling very well. I felt like I was getting a cold - several people at the hospital have been sick lately and I thought perhaps I was coming down with something so I decided to make myself a honey and lemon tea to soothe my throat. It didn't help that I've been feeling down all week because I hadn't heard anything from Sherlock or John either. It was like they had dropped off the face of the earth.

I had just started making my tea when my phone rang. I looked over at it and saw it was Sherlock. Well, I must admit, my heart fluttered, but I was feeling a bit cross with him for ignoring me for days, so I decided he could just leave a message.

But when the phone rang again, I decided to answer it. I realised I was just being petty to ignore his call. And what if it was important?

Now I wish I hadn't answered...

So, this is pretty much what happened. I said hello and asked if it was important. Sherlock didn't even say hello back to me, he just told me to do something for him, something he said was very easy. This isn't unusual for Sherlock. He isn't someone who typically bothers to make polite conversation.

Turns out what he wanted me to do was to say 'I love you'. When he asked that, my heart beat so fast. How could he know I loved him and why would he need me to say it? This is a secret I've held for so long. I tried and tried to put him off but he wore me down and at last I had to confess why I didn't want to say those words - because they were true. I had never felt more exposed, more raw than when I told him that, my deepest, darkest secret.

In the end, just to try and show Sherlock that playing with someone's emotions is not right, to teach him a lesson, I told him he had to say 'I love you' first. I don't know why I did it. Perhaps it was some perverse part of me that just wanted to hear those words from his lips once because I knew that things could never be the same for us now that he knows of my feelings.

The truly amazing thing is that he did end up saying the words, not just once but twice. The second time I even imagined that he was sincere, that he meant it. There's my ridiculous, romantic heart for you.

I didn't even realise I hadn't fulfilled my end of the bargain until he begged me to say the words back. It was really strange; he sounded frantic in a way I've never heard before. So I did it - I told him I loved him. It was hard, but what happened after that is what broke me. He hung up. No explanation, nothing.

So that's why I just went to bed and curled myself up into a ball and cried.

As if that wasn't bad enough, today I got this phone call from Mycroft that I already spoke about. Mycroft told me that he was very sorry, that Sherlock had been under duress and he had been forced to make that phone call to me. It was a game after all, I guess, not one instigated by Sherlock, but by someone else. And that's the end of it.

My heart is well and truly broken. Things cannot ever go back to the way they were now that Sherlock is aware of my feelings. I'm even wondering how on earth I'll be able to face him in the future. It will be so humiliating, with him knowing how I feel. In fact, I'm kind of tempted to turn in my notice and just leave London to get away from him. But London is my home, and I have my church family as well. To uproot seems a little extreme. I will just pray that God gives me strength when I see Sherlock as I know I eventually will.

My dearest, darling heart, I was anxious about reading this and rightly so. You make my heart ache to read how you felt. How ironic that I should read that you contemplated leaving the hospital when it is something you told me you were thinking of doing in that dream I had with the love letter. I fear what I might have done if I had not been able to talk to you about what happened. I was in a fragile state and I can't help wondering if that might have led to me going back to using, both to punish myself and to forget how much I had hurt you. Thank God that wasn't the case!

I must admit, reading about Mycroft calling you that way still brings a little resentment to the forefront of my thoughts about him. His interference just made things worse because he had it completely wrong and didn't understand that I did indeed love you ,and I was not just playing my sister's game anymore after I had told you so. For a smart man, he sometimes is not smart. I would have thought my actions in smashing that damned coffin would have been a little hint that I did love you, but apparently to him it was merely an action prompted by my anguish over hurting you rather than hurting myself.

I do regret too that I did not immediately text you to reassure you. I did not have my phone, but I could probably have borrowed Greg's.

I did flip ahead to see that you have written a number of entries after this one, all written after we were together. I must admit, I am intrigued to read those and of course I know the tone will be much different, but for now I think I will finish here. I feel the need to join you in our bed and hold you. I am so grateful for you, my love, my life, my wife. XOX

…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/

Sherlock walked quietly into the bedroom and gazed at his sleeping wife. He never got tired just looking at her, and he still marvelled at the series of events that had led them to where they were now. The year had started on such a terrible note, where he had been convinced that his life would be coming to an end, but now, his life had not only been spared, but he had found a new life in Christ and had created a new life as well with Molly. It was something he could not have envisioned in his wildest dreams, to have experienced such life altering changes.

Quietly, he undressed and slipped between the sheets. He slithered over and slid Molly's chemise upwards so their bodies could share each other's warmth, and he looped his arm around her. As usual he felt desire for her swelling within himself but he tried to be content with just holding her. It would be unfair of him to disturb her from her rest with the long night that lay ahead.

He was surprised then, to hear her voice. "Some detective you are. I wasn't sleeping, you know."

"Why not?" His lips tilted upwards as she flipped over to slide her own arm around his waist and look at him.

"I'm not really tired. I had a good night's sleep last night, so I've been just lying here awake and wishing you were with me."

He bent his head to kiss the tip of her nose. "I'm here now, and I just finished reading the part in your diary where you wrote about the phone call. I am so grateful you didn't leave London during the time it took me to get my act together and buy that engagement ring. Did you really seriously contemplate it?"

Her hand moved to caress his hip. "Only for a little bit. I prayed about it, asked God what I should do, and I felt like He told me to wait. I knew we needed to at least have a conversation about it, to clear the air before I made any firm decisions."

His forehead touched hers briefly, and he gazed into those dark eyes that held so much emotion. "Thank God you did. I think it would have broken me if you had left just when I had finally acknowledged my feelings for you. I turned to drugs to help me cope after I killed Magnussen and then again after Mary's death because it was easier than facing my guilt."

Tears appeared at the corners of her eyes. "Another episode like what you went through during the Culverton Smith case would probably have killed you, Sherlock. To even think of it hurts me. I love you so much."

Her hand moved up his back, and she pressed her body closer. Sherlock was not about to refuse such an open invitation and tugged at her chemise. "Let's get this off, shall we?"

She moved back and raised her arms so he could pull the garment off and toss it to the side of the bed, then his mouth was on hers and he was kissing her hungrily, desperately, as his hands roamed her body. She was all sweetness and softness as always, and he thanked God over and over for the perfect way in which things had been ordered to bring them together at last.

Her own fervent actions matched his as they shared in their longing to be together, to be thankful for their love, their life together. When they were not kissing, they murmured words of adoration.

Afterwards, as they basked in the afterglow of spent passion, Sherlock held Molly to himself until she drifted off to sleep. Making love certainly did have the side effect of making them both drowsy.

Sherlock allowed himself to relax, knowing there were no pressing engagements for the day, nowhere for him to be. Sundays were always a quiet day once they arrived home from church. He thought again about the day he had turned up at Molly's flat. He hadn't even considered she might have been devastated enough by what had happened to think of leaving the hospital - and him. Molly was his constant, had always been that. He'd taken her for granted for so long. It was truly a miracle that she had stuck around though everything. She had even broken off her engagement because of him. How many men could have been blessed with a woman like that? His hold tightened on her, and he too fell asleep.

His thoughts led to another of those "what if" dreams with a decidedly darker turn when things didn't go the same way as they had gone in reality.

Author's note: This was a pretty serious chapter with talk of addiction, of temptation. A lot of people seem to think that if you are a Christian, you don't have the same kinds of struggles as non-Christians, that life will be easy. But that isn't the case. I try to be as real as possible in my stories. Christians struggle with various things as much as anyone else, and we don't always live up to our own ideals. That's part of what makes us human. But, as Molly said, we do have an accountability as Christians that can help us recognise our shortcomings and sometimes it does help us steer clear of doing the wrong thing.

The story Molly shares about Mike is based on a true account of someone I knew.

So, this chapter also contains Molly's diary entry that talks about that infamous phone call. What did you think of her thoughts about it? Do you have a similar head canon as mine for this? I just think she would have been in so much emotional pain when Sherlock hung up on her without explanation. She would have felt used and betrayed. And of course, in my version, the call from big brother Mycroft did not help matters.

But thank goodness all that is in the past for my characters and their life together is full of joy now, so I hope that makes you as happy as it makes me!

Stand by for my next dream story, The Addict and the Christian. I hope you are excited about reading it! It is definitely going to be a little different from the usual story, at least initially.

Remember to share your thoughts on this chapter with me! Feel free to share your own head canon about the phone call too. I look forward to hearing from you.