Chapter 14: Clarity

"If our Love is tragedy Why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity? Why are you my clarity?"

Clarity. Zedd & Foxes. (2012)

"Harley, come on! Open the door!"

She wasn't sure who was calling for her.

She didn't care anymore.

Harley had ran straight into the girl's bathroom, slammed the door behind her and locked herself in one of the stalls, sobbing her heart out. Different voices had begged her to open the door, but as she had refused they had gotten fewer and fewer until she was finally left in silence.

The Joker was a liar, a thief and a murderer.

He had pushed Harley around, slapped her, tried choking her.

But he had never been this cruel to her.

"Wendy told me to bring you some food." It was Jodie and Harley heard her set down a plate on the floor.

She knew Wendy was worried about her, but she wouldn't be eating anything. She thought Jodie had left, but then she heard her voice:

"I'm sorry your ex is such a dick."

Then she heard the other girl's receding footsteps and the door close.

She continued sobbing.

She hated that he had this power over her. Hated that despite how cruel he was she still missed him.

"Harley? Darling?" It was Wendy and Harley held her breath as if she could fool Wendy, as if she could pretend she wasn't locked in this small cabin, a complete mess.

"You've been in there for two hours. Everyone else is at dinner, if you want to come out and go somewhere else, now is the time."

She hadn't thought that would work, but it did.

She disentangled herself from the uncomfortable position she'd been sitting in. Of course all the of the Lost Boys knew what had happened, most of them had been there for it.

Had heard the things she had said.

When Harley opened the door she found Wendy standing outside with a plate with some bread and a slight frown on her face.

"Jodie said you sent that." Wendy smiled briefly, looking up from the plate. "I did not." Although she looked worn and tired she smiled at Harley. "This is how Jodie shows she cares."

Harley sighed. "Fine."

She walked past Wendy out of the bathroom and stood in the small hallway, realizing the only way out was through the dining hall, where everyone was right now.

She could hear their laughter and chatter drifting through the open doors.

"Come with me."

"I want to be alone." She whispered.

"I know." Wendy smiled. Harley wasn't surprised to see she was holding the plate. "But I know where you can be alone."

Harley followed Wendy through two side doors. Both of them were basically hidden in the exterior of the hallway.

There was even a secret staircase and Harley breathed a sigh of relief and wonder when she realized it led to Wendy and Peters bedroom. It was built into their closet.

"Let's keep this between us." Wendy suggested, winking at her and despite everything Harley found herself smiling back at her.

Their bedroom had a large bed and the secret closet.

It was dark and comfortable and Harley felt a longing pull at her heart.

"Would you like to lie down?" Wendy asked. "You can relax for as long as you need, I'll be outside if you want to talk."

Harley sat down on the bed, but didn't lie down. She looked up at Wendy, who smoothed down the dark blanket and then set the plate down on the small nightstand.

"I'll be outside."

"It's not true." The words escaped Harley's mouth in a fragile whisper and she looked up at Wendy with burning eyes. "All those things he said about Arkham. That's all lies."

Wendy opened her mouth to respond, but no sounds came from her lips. She seemed to be rendered speechless.

"I'm no whore." Tears streamed down her face and Wendy looked as if she were about to cry, rushing to the bed next to Harley to sit down beside her.

Shaking Harley tried to wipe away her tears, but they kept coming. Wendy took hold of her hand, pressing it gently.

"We never..." She gulped. "We never consummated anythin' at Arkham." She smiled a midst her tears. "He wanted to. He begged..." She rolled her eyes. "But I didn't want to, not while he was imprisoned, not if anyone could come in during..." She shook her head. "We did other stuff." She blushed furiously, unable to look Wendy in the eye.

There was a silence, broken occasionally by Harley's sniffling, until she eventually explained: "I wanted our first time together to be special, outside of Arkham, outside of everything...and it was." She sobbed. "It was." How could he have used one of the most precious memories she had in such a vile way? Hadn't it been his precious memory too?

"Harley..." Wendy began softly, stroking her hair, pushing aside a stray strand of hair. "You don't have to justify yourself. I understand how badly you are hurt." She crossed her hand over her heart, indicating where Mistah J's words and actions had struck her to brutally. "I understand that these lies are breaking your heart and you want to set the record straight. But you are one of us." Wendy smiled her warm and contagious smile once more. "Even if his words were true, you are a Lost Boy. We do not judge one another, everyone is accepted and loved just the way they are."

Harley leaned forward and Wendy caught her in a tight embrace.

She sobbed and sobbed, unable to hold back her emotions.

No one had ever loved her just the way she was. No one had ever not judged her. Even as Harleen Quinzel she'd struggled to fit in. Mistah J had modeled her into his own little Harlequin, changing her outside and inside, because her original self hadn't been enough.

"You poor girl." Wendy whispered, stroking her hair. "We all love you so much."

"No one's loved me like you do, Wendy." Harley muttered, wiping at her tears furiously. "I think I'm too broken to be a Lost Boy."

Wendy actually laughed at this. "Oh my sweet girl." She wiped at her own eyes. "I am absolutely sure you are not."

"You don't know all of it." Harley wrapped her arms around herself, willing herself to keep it together. "It's not just Mistah J and my craziness."

Wendy smiled softly as she handed her a tissue. "You're craziness is your asset, my love."

Harley blew her nose and felt burdened by the silence between the two of them.

"There's something else that's wrong." She whispered, clutching the moist tissue as if she could hold on to it. "Something that happened to me in prison."

You got a choice tonight. What we got here? We got chocolates, strawberry or vanilla. My job is to keep you alive until you die. Do you understand that?

She closed her eyes, willing the nausea and Grigg's voice to leave her be.

When she opened her eyes again she saw Wendy looking at the plate with bread on the night-stand in a thoughtful way.

"I hated their food." She hugged herself again tightly. "Hated it, hated it!" She shook her head, wanting the images of the smelly, grimy slabs of...of something...to vanish. "I told them I wouldn't eat it and I wanted somethin' sweet and sugary...something pink." Her eyes lit up and Wendy looked grief stricken, keeping her eyes on Harley. "So I stopped eatin'." She rolled her eyes now. "They called it a hunger-strike, but I just wanted something else."

And boy, something else she got.

She explained the fun Griggs had had in force-feeding her. They way she had lost control over how much went into her body, how throwing up afterwards had made her feel whole again. How difficult it had become to stop throwing up after eating. She hadn't cried while telling her about what had happened, she ended her tale with: "I've never told anyone about that before. Not Dead-Shot, not anyone else from prison that I made friends with..." She paused and then said in a voice that was barely a whisper: "Not even my Puddin'."

Wendy listened wide-eyed, nodding every now and then. She looked shocked and sad, but not as hysterical as Harley had expected.

"Darling." She finally said. "You have an eating-disorder."

Clarity was something strange for Harley Quinn. Like a childhood memory barely at the tips of her fingers, always escaping once you thought you had it, drifting off into a corner of your mind. Clarity was not something that came easy to her, had never been her friend, but Harleen's.

However, but clarity came with the reasonable voice of Wendy. It came and it took away the power these secrets had had over her for such a long time. Clarity helped loosen the ice cold grip they'd had her in.

"We can treat it." Wendy promised. "Lot's of girls have problems like you. Lot's of girls have experienced similar things like you have." There was a silence and then she said: "You are not alone, Harley. And you're not too broken, I promise."

She hugged her again, but this time Harley didn't cry.

Ronan smiled to himself as he stood out the compact building called Neverland. He hated the Lost Boys with a fierce passion. It was of course Captain Hook who had installed this hatred inside of him. Just as it had been Captain Hook who had given him his new name.

He quite liked the name Ronan.

Ronan was a fighter, he was loyal and brave and all the things the boy had always longed to be. Ronan had never been abused, Ronan had risen from the shadow of a boy who had been so awfully messed with. Ronan stood up each morning and had a clarity in his heart and made that gave his life a purpose.

He savoured the sight of Neverland before him, hatred and rage pulsating through him the way blood does.

The boy knew what was coming and the fact that those stuck-up, doey-eyed Lost Boys didn't, made him tremble with excitement. They were going to lose everything.

Each one of them.

But most importantly, Captain Hook had instructed, was the downfall of Harley Quinn.

Ronan knew his orders, knew what to do. The plan Captain Hook had set out was perfect. It would not fail. He would do anything for Hook, who had offered him not only a new name, but a purpose, a home. Captain Hook had provided him with sheer and complete clarity and Ronan was more thankful than he'd ever be able to put into words.

Killing that adorable Neberland couple had been the first step in many. It was only the beginning. He could barely remember their names, something with a K, the both of them. He had executed them briefly.

There was no denying it and there was no way for anyone to stop it.

Neverland was going down.

And...

...Ronan would make sure of it as he had promised to Hook:

The one who would have the furthest fall was without a doubt Harley Quinn.

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