A/N: Hello! I'm UnicycleEnthusiast! I hope you enjoy the story that I've written. Well not entirely...My friend (who doesn't have a account) has written chapters 2 and 4 and was supposed to be on this journey with me for the whole series but she is unable too so it looks like y'all are stuck with me for the rest of the series. She encouraged me to continue the story so follow her wishes I will. This story is also on AO3 if you prefer to read it there under the same name. Yes, I am the UnicycleEnthusiast that is on AO3 too so don't worry about people stealing this story :) (I do have a _ in my AO3 name though...). But anyway, onto the story! Since this was all on AO3 before fanfiction I'm going to leave out A/Ns unless I got something to say!
Chapter 1: I Fight a Cow in its Tighty Whities
Hi, I'm Percy Jackson, and I don't know what the fuck is going on. I honestly think I've gone crazy! Just last week I evaporated my math, or more specifically Pre-Algebra, teacher. She was this leather-skinned 50-year-old woman who loved her biker jacket a lot more than any normal human should. I'd bet money that she survived on children's tears alone. But anyway she's gone, done-zo, non-existent. At least that's what everyone in this school seems to think, but I know better. There is no way that I dreamed up me straight-up murdering my math teacher and then her blowing up into this fine dust-like gold powder. She taught us for the whole first semester, so how in the ever-loving hell does no-one remember her existence? Even the carrot freckled Nancy doesn't remember her, and she was her favorite! She let Nancy get away with anything, especially if it involved me.
It's now the end of the year and a semester since that day, and honestly, you'd think I'd be over this so-called fever dream, but there's one thing that keeps me hanging onto this hallucination:Grover. I'll let you in on a little secret about my best friend. He's a shit liar. Every time I bring up the teacher-turned monster situation he avoids all eye-contact and unsubtly tries to change the subject. Hell, just weeks after the whole murdering-my-math-teacher event, I overhead (read: eavesdropped on) him and Mr. Brunner, my favorite teacher, gossip like middle school girls about some type of camp, some drama with this Zeus dude, and more importantly: me! Rude.
I sigh, laying on my bed staring up at the ceiling above me. I'd pack for my summer trip home but it's the procrastination and the dread of having to stay with my bastard of a step-father that keeps me from it. To be honest, I'm still not sure if I get to see the pride on my mother's face for being obedient enough to be invited back to Yancy. It's still in discussion, especially after I called an old, wispy-haired teacher a sot. Do I know what that means? No. Do I regret saying it? Let me think about it...No. As you can probably tell, I'm not the biggest fan of boarding schools. One of the reasons being my mother. I'm willing to admit that yes, I am a mama's boy. You'd be too if you had a mom like mine. She was like a gift from the gods, mainly 'cause she had to deal with a brat like me and my step-father Gabe, or what I like to call him, Smelly Gabe. He smelt like if you took rotted vegetables, boiled them in hot dog water, and finished the dish off with sweat from a high school athlete's sock. It didn't help that the dude was a raging dick. The only thing keeping me away from knocking his lights is the threat of him touching my mother if I step even a millimeter out of line.
In the midst of my internal bashing of Smelly Gabe, Grover comes hobbling into our shared room. I notice him come in quickly, instantly distracted from my mind rant. He gives me a sheepish smile and asks me a question.
"Hey, uh. You're taking the 11:00 am Greyhound bus into the city right? Have you brought tickets yet for the ride or no?"
I nod at the first question and give him a nonchalant nah for the second. Since Yancy is in the center of Albany, New York it's hard to get a taxi to drive you the two-and-a-half-hour trip into Manhattan and to your apartment, I have to ride a bus to Manhattan and hold a taxi to my apartment. A hassle, I know.
"Do you mind if you took the 10:00 am one instead? I mean- like so I don't have to ride alone…"
I stare at him confused. Isn't the 10:00 am bus going to Long Island? After that thought, I voice it to him. Why in the hell would I take a bus to Long Island? It's like a three-hour ride!
"Yeah, yeah it is but it's cheaper to get on the Long Island bus than get a taxi ride into Manhattan rather than what you're doing..."
I raise an eyebrow, not quite believing what Grover's laying down.
He senses my skepticism almost instantly. "Well, I accidentally," his eyes averted away from me, "bought two tickets for the bus ride to Long Island and I can't return them… You don't have to pay me back for the tickets, so it's much cheaper! I don't wanna waste the money and it'd be nice for someone to accompany me…"
I stare at him, silent. I know that he's lying about the ticket thing but the promise of a free ride and the fact that I'll keep the money I've got from illegally selling candy out of my dorm in my pockets in what really sold it. I blink, lengthen the tension, then break it will a crooked smirk.
"You got a deal G-man. You drive a hard bargain, but I'm willing to spend half an hour to save some hard-earned cash."
He lets out a relieved smile and sighs. He does roll his eyes at my comment of 'hard-earned cash' though. Hey! It's hard work to re-sell candy that I amassed from my escapades of sneaking out of the dorms and to the local convenience store!"
"What time are we leaving?" I ask, a bit worried since I haven't even taken my suitcase off the shelf in my closet.
"Percy, it's already 9:45… Have you even started packing? It's a short walk there but…" He trails off as I rush through packing.
I launch off my bed and slam the door of my closet open. I jump to snatch my hard-shelled suitcase off the shelf and fling it out. The thing goes flying behind me and all I hear is a girly shriek and a loud thump. Whether it hit Grover or the wall isn't my problem. If it hits him, he deserves it for not telling me early about the change of bus plans! I tug the t-shirts and jeans lazily hung over the school-owned hangers and pile them in front of me. No time for organization! Once the closet is empty I swing around to face Grover, who seems terrified and throws the pile of cleaned clothes on my bed. I headed over to my dresser to ransack it for socks, underwear, and other shirts and pants that were missing from the closet. I zip open my suitcase and slide the clothes on the bed into it and shove the dresser designated clothes into it as well. Luckily, my toiletries were already in a plastic bag. Thank fuck for past me using the excuse of having to pack toiletries (and taking a very nice, and very long, shower) for being late to class. I grab the bag, punt it out of the room, and surprisingly into my case. Nice! Reaching the end of my packing struggle I pull out the dirty clothes under my bed, force all of the stuff I have accumulated, and force it all into the case. I sigh, feeling quite smug about my hurried packing.
"Um, it's uh...time to go? How in the hell did you get your entire closet, dresser, and toiletries in there?" Grover questions with a look of shock.
"Tact and experience G' man! Tact and experience." I say matter-of-factly. I've found in my years of living with Smelly Gabe, the faster I pack, the quicker I leave and grab whatever you can because when you're trouble's best friend it's nice to have an extra shirt.
"Now, let's head out. I don't wanna waste your money and certainly not mine!"
Without saying our goodbyes to the teachers we head out. This occurrence causes me no qualms mainly 'cause except for Mr. Brunner, the whole lot of them can suck my left nut, especially you Mr. Test, you sot! Still don't know what that means, but I know it's offensive so I'll use it till I do know what it is, then I find a new insult I don't understand! Or perhaps make one up so only I'll know what I call you! Hah! But anyway, back to our stroll. Thanking whatever deity is out there, we finally arrive and without anything going wrong! Yay! I smile to myself wanting to get back to my mindscape of how to get away with murdering Smelly Gabe. Before I'm able to enter said mindscape Grover grips my arm and pulls me onto the now arrived bus.
The ride was boring. I shouldn't be surprised… I don't have anything to do and reading really isn't my thing especially since I've got dyslexia. It doesn't help that I've got ADHD to really extend how long this ride will feel. Well, whatever.
The resounding sound of incessant car horns interrupts my thoughts. I look away from the window and am seated beside as the bus comes to a stop. Confused, I look towards Grover. His face is pale and he's shaking violently.
"Yo, G-man!" You good?"
He raises a shaky hand, a crooked pointer finger uncurls from his loose but tight-fingered fist. My eyes follow his make-shift arrow to stare at what looks like a brown...cow? It's large, bigger than the car it seems to be in front of. Grover snatches my wrist and sprints through the bus aisle.
"Dude! What the hell?!" I shout at him as he limps out the doors of the bus. "Grover!" He ignores me and continues to run on the highway. There's a crowd of people surrounding the unbelievably large cow seemingly trying to herd it off the street. To say the least, Ground Beef ain't happy about the traffic jam he's causing.
"Get in," Grover demands, getting my attention.
"What?"
"Get in!" Grover repeats and points to the car next to him that's stopped by the edge of the highway.
"Um dude, not to be a stick in the mud, but I'm almost positive this ain't your car."
"Doesn't matter, I'll explain once we're safe. Just get in the car."
I sigh, closing my eyes. What is the holy fuck was I getting myself into? Also, Is Grover okay? Delinquency isn't usually his style. Whatever, I guess I'm in for this ride. "Fine," I say, "But only if you explain what you were talking about with Mr. Brunner a while back, like about that camp and this Zeus dude and what it's got to do with me!"
Grover gulps and quickly agrees. I jog around the back of the car and hop in the passenger seat. Luckily for Grover, the keys are already in the ignition. His hands still shake and part of me regrets letting the supposed 14-year-old that looks 17 drive.
"Do you even know how to drive?"
"Uh- yeah. It's not a long drive anyway and there won't be traffic so...we'll be fine," he mumbles another thing about some guy named Luke and that this would be a lot easier with him.
"O...kay, I'll trust you, but if I die in a car crash you're the second person I'll haunt. The first being my step-father, he's an ass so I'll be more than happy to drive him up the wall without a person to blame." I say mumbling the last part.
The car burst into action flying off the highway and onto the field beside it. Before I can ask why in the hell we are suddenly deciding to go off-roading the thundering steps of the large cow rocks the car and fill my ears. Looking out the rearview mirror I make eye-contact with Ground Beef himself, now in his, what Grover would call, his final form. He was at least 11 feet tall and was speeding towards us.
"Uh, Grover? Is that what I think it is?"
"If it's the son of Pasiphaë, yes. Yes, it is."
"You mean the Mino-"
"Names have power, Perce." He interrupts.
"Well, uh, Ground Beef over here is about flipping our car."
"WHAT?!" Grover gets wide-eyed as Ground Beef grabs the stolen car by the wheels as it flips up vertically. We both scream as we latch onto our seats to try and save our skulls. Feeling very unsafe in the confines of the car and bust out as well as Grover.
I make eye-contact with the cowman, this time though I give him a good look down. He's covered in thick brown fur and has horns as large as his head. He stinks of wet dog and boiled ham and puffs of air burst out of his wet nose. These things aren't the main thing that really shocks me though. It is the surprisingly clean bright white Fruit of the Loom underwear he's donned. It would make me chuckle if I wasn't in mortal danger.
Grover clutches my arm once again and pulls me backward.
"The- the hill. We- you got to get past the tree! We'll- you'll be safe! Let's go, co-come on!"
I look behind me to try and spot a hill with a tree on top. Thanking the deity above again, my eyes make contact with it.
A loud distorted moo-like grunt makes his face Ground Beef once again. I gulp, trying to put on a tough face. Grover pulls on my arms again and I follow his pull. We break into a dead sprint, or at least I do, towards the long run ahead of us towards the tree.
Beside me, Grover, how's still attached to my arm, inhales sharply. His eyes averted right off the tree. I followed his gaze and to my horror three older women sat, knitting away on what looks like a giant's sock. Needles bound up and down as multi-colored strings flow into the sock creating a shockingly beautiful sock. Suddenly the needles hesitate when a light blue string is pulled taut away from the sock. Large shear-like scissors near the thick thread causing Grover to wail. The scissors snip shut and the blue string becomes limp as it's cut in half.
My arm becomes light as Grover's hand comes loose from my arm. I look towards Grover and freeze in horror at Grover's unconscious body. Really?! Now?! Not when the car flips or when we came face-to-face with Ground Beef but when we saw some old hags knitting a fucking sock?! I groan and begin to drag him across the dew-soaked dirt.
Now facing the monster, I realize the situation ahead of me. I'm gonna die with Grover in my arms while three unhelpful old hags watch. Long live Percy Jackson, forever a virgin. God this is sad… I never ever got to see my mom. My mom. HOLY SHIT, MY MOM. She'll kill me if I die without her saying goodbye!
I swallow, drying my mouth, and lay Grover on the grass just a few yards away from the hill. I sharply inhale and let out a shaky breath before darting to the left.
"Hey, meathead!" I bellow as loud as I can, "nice tighty whities!"
His dark-filled eyes glare as he changes his route to charge towards me. He rage-filled roar and rushes at me. What did mom tell me about this fucker? Something about using sharp turns? As he gets closer and closer, I clench my fists and throw myself to the right at the last moments. He lowers to nick me with his edged horns. My hands reach towards the stormy grey horn and latch onto it.
He lifts his head and me with it. His head shudders violently trying to throw me off. I wrap my legs around the monster's neck to not be launched. My hands become clammy and my body becomes sweat-slicked. With a sharp snap the horn cracks off and I'm left without a handhold.
Ground Beef, now filled with rage, bellows. His head jolts left and right and in a panic, horn in the right hand, I fling my arms around his head. With a warm shock and one last rumble, he turns to dust. I fall straight on my ass, hurt slightly from the fall. Must have accidentally got him in the eye or something…
I gasp for breath and head towards Grover. I wrap an arm around him and lug him up the hill. With the tree feet away, I dump Grover and roll his limp body towards it. I gaze at the horn in my hand, give it a small shrug, and place it gently between Grover's hands. I never wanna think about that battle again.
I sigh and turn around to go back down the hill. Ma's gonna be disappointed if I get home after her, seeing as she always gets so excited to see me when I get home from school. Plus with how I look, I'll need a shower and a change of clothes. So much for packing a suitcase.