No excuses for not updating, only a statement: Depression Sucks

This story is really personal to me due to Bella's depression being based on my own. Although the catalyst for ours is different, I know how it feels to be pumped on anti-depressants and going through the motions of the day without feeling it. Her relationship with Esme's is very similar to mine with my mom.

Okay, enough with the heavy.

The only thanks I have is for Adrianna who has listened to me for the past seven months without complaint.

I hope you enjoy!

-Bella xoxo

xxx

"Mom! Mom!" I screamed, fighting my way through the thick tree branches. "Why are you running away from me, mom?!"

I stumbled my way through the pitch black forest as I pushed past shrubs and trees. I can barely see a few feet ahead of me, but I can make out the back of a woman's head as her long, brown hair swinged back and forth as she runs from me. I can't see her face, but there is no doubt in my mind that she is my mother.

I tried to run faster, to catch up to her, but it was useless. No matter how fast I ran, she was always faster than me.

Focusing on her running figure, I took off my attention from the ground. In a matter of seconds, I tripped on the uneven dirt floor, landing on my hands. I felt the stinging on my palms the minute I landed as the heavy weight of defeat settled.

My mother stopped running, only for a moment and without even looking at me.

There was a part of me that hoped that she would turn around and help my injuries. I hoped that she would tell me this was all a big misunderstanding, and that she wasn't running from me. I hoped that she would take me in her arms and tell me everything's okay. I hoped that she was here, and that she wouldn't leave me again.

But instead, after only a few seconds, she continued running from me.

On my hands and knees, I yelled at her retreating figure.

"Don't leave me! Please don't leave me!"

But it was too late. She was already gone.

Waking up is always the most disoriting part of my day. It takes a few seconds, sometimes even minutes, to realize that I was dreaming. Today was no different, except instead of waking up in California, I woke up across the country, in New York.

The moment I opened my eyes I was blinded by the sun coming in from the skylight and windows. That's going to take some time to adjust to. At least I won't have to worry about bad lighting.

Rubbing my eyes so hard that I could see stars, I began to focus on my breathing and heartbeat, both of which were still ragged from the dream. I unclenched my hands, the fingernails leaving marks on my palm, my skin barley not breaking.

This wasn't an unusual ritual for me, it actually is one of the few things in my life that has remained unchanging the past year. But this consistency doesn't make them any less unpleasant. I've always been a vivid dreamer, but for the past year, they have been taunting me. I go through the same cycle of dreams, each as painful as the other. I bet a shrink would have a field day with those.

Rolling off the bed after I grasped my surroundings, I walked towards my bag that I left on the floor yesterday, only to find it sitting on the white wooden chair of the desk. Glancing towards the couch, I realized that my clothes from yesterday were gone. Esme must have put them away for laundry already.

Walking towards the chair slowly, my muscles still a bit tense from the dream, I scooped up my bag and placed it on the desk. Opening it, I rummaged through, taking out my morning medications. Prozac and Low-dose Klonopin. Yummy. I shook one of each into my palm and headed towards the door next to the mirror, which I correctly guessed was my bathroom.

The bathroom looked like the rest of the house except that there was a glass shower and bear claw bathtub. Stacks of towels laid neatly on a built bench to the immediate right of the doors, and all of the toiletries appeared to be fully stocked.

I quickly took both pills, chasing them down with the sink water. The large mirror above the sink reflected me, and I couldn't help but notice how… drained I appeared. Not tired or weary, but drained, like there's nothing left in me. Like I'm no longer the person I once was, rather just the body she inhibited.

I ignored the thought, stripped out of my underwear, placed them in the hamper next to the sink, and stepped into the shower. I turned on the shower as far as the handle would go, feeling immediate relief as the rain shower head burned my skin. I lathered my skin and hair slowly, growing as numb to the scalding water as I have been feeling.

Once finished, I walked out of the shower and dried off quickly, brushing my teeth with the toothbrush and toothpaste that lay awaiting me on the sink's counter. I dressed in my room, grabbing a clean pair of undergarments, jeans, and t-shirt from my bag. I tied my wet hair in a bun swiftly and grabbed my phone from my bag before I turned and headed downstairs.

I jogged down the stairs, and by the second level, I could smell the breakfast Esme was cooking. Only my aunt would have groceries in a home she moved into less than twenty-four hours ago. Following the scent, I passed the living room, and towards the open double french doors where the heavenly scent of baked bread and coffee wafted smell was even more intense as I entered the huge kitchen covered in white brick on one wall and grey floor to ceiling cabinets on the other three. The white brick wall held a large black and white painting of the last supper which replaced the men with nude greek goddesses. Very Esme.

Underneath the painting was a kitchen nook so large that it could barely be called that. In the center of the kitchen was a huge counter holding the sink and black bar stools. Just like any chef's kitchen in a restaurant, Esme had top of the line stoves, ovens, and what I'm guessing is a walk-in fridge by the size of it.

My aunt, who wore a white apron over her overwashed jeans and t-shirt, had her back turned away from me as she opened the oven to reveal a tray filled with raspberry pain au chocolat, my favorite breakfast pastry. Placing them on the counter, she sang along to the David Bowie song that was playing from speakers I can not see. When she turned towards me, she gasped slightly when she realized I was standing there.

"Bella!" she exclaimed as she placed her hand over her heart in shock.

"Sorry," I replied with a tight lipped smile, "I didn't mean to scare you."

I felt guilty that I interrupted the peaceful state she was in. At least one of us deserved contentment.

"Oh, it's alright honey. I was about to go and get you anyway, I wanted to start the day a little early today so we could optimize our shopping time."

Groaning, I took a seat on the counter. "I really don't know how you expect me to fill up a whole closet soon, I don't think I have that kind of stamina."

"Don't worry about that, we are going to go shopping today, and I already have my personal shopper on the job. Heidi has immaculate taste, and she's going to see all of the clothes you buy today as a reference to your taste."

Relief filled me as I realized that meant that Esme won't be dragging me from store to store for days.

"Thank you so much, I really appreciate you thinking of me."

"Well of course hun," she smiled. "Now go make the espresso while I finish up breakfast."

With a nod of her head toward the counter on the left, we began our regular morning routine that we developed over this past year. Consisting of making coffee and helping Esme finish breakfast, we worked silently, the only noise being Esme's Bowie playlist.

Once finished, we laid out the breakfast spread on the nook, which consisted of homemade pastries, veggie omelettes, and espresso. Eating quickly, we barely shared a word with each other, both of us so comfortable in each other's presence. It's moments like these when I realize that Esme is the only person left that I can do this with, everyone else is gone.

Clearing my head from the thought, I stood up with my empty plate and placed them in the sink. My aunt looked lost in thought as she ate the rest of her omelette, so I didn't interrupt. Instead I stacked the remaining raspberry pain au chocolat under the glass dome on the counter. I then began washing the dishes, I didn't want to burden Esme with more work, she already cooks so much. By the time I finished my plates, Esme was done with hers, so I washed those as well while Esme sat on the counter with a contemplative look on her face.

Once finished, she seemed to have snapped out of it, instead focusing her attention on me.

"You know," she started as she got up from the stool, "you don't have to wash the dishes. I figured that this place would need more upkeep than my LA place, so I hired a housekeeper to come daily."

"Esme, was that really necessary?" I asked, amazed that she would go that far. "I mean, it's only the two of us. How much of a mess could we make?"

"It's not just for us Bella," she rolled her eyes, as if she was stating the obvious. "It's a really big house, and with your school and my restaurant, I don't think we're going to have time to do all the daily maintenance that the house needs. It's over a hundred years old, so it needs more love than most."

"Oh, that makes sense." I replied simply.

It's not that having someone clean for us wasn't nice, but I feel like Esme is doing all this extra stuff for me. When she lived alone, she was so low maintenance that she did everything herself, and now with me here, she seems to be making more of an effort to please me. I wouldn't want her spending more money on something that she doesn't really need, but there is really no point arguing with her when all she would do is deny it.

"Maggie comes in at 11, so she should be here in ten minutes," Esme said, interrupting my thoughts. "We should get going, I put your shoes in your closet, grab them so we can go."

With a nod of my head, I left the room and climbed the stairs. By the time I reached the last flight, my thighs were burning and my breaths turned to gasps. After a month of living here, I am going to have amazing legs. I grabbed my shoes quickly from my closet, a rather ostentatious room with large windows and rows of empty racks. I quickly slipped on my beat up converse and jogged down the steps to meet Esme at the elevator where she was speaking on the phone in French, with the restaurant most likely. By the time we got to the lobby, Esme was still talking, but from the way she looked at me with exasperated eyes, it seemed like she was trying to hang up soon. Laughing silently, we crossed the lobby where Leah acknowledged us with a small nod which I returned. I could already tell that our relationship is going to be a formal one.

When we got to the street, Esme took the lead and led us straight towards a parked black SUV where a man opened the door for us. Confused, I looked at my aunt who finally managed to hang up the phone.

"Finally," she sighed. "I thought that Carmen would never stop talking. I love the girl, but she really can talk her head off when it comes to meal discussions. I just asked for a meal prep update, and she gave me a whole speech."

Smiling slightly at her friendly annoyance, I gestured towards the man who sat in the driver's seat.

"What's up with that?" I asked.

"Everyone has a driver here," she explained. "It's either this, or taking an uber or taxi everywhere."

"Huh, I guess I really didn't think of that before."

"That's what I am here for," she smiled, "Now it's time to go shopping."

Again, this felt like another purchase made for my expense. I knew that if Esme was living here alone, she would just take the subway, but she wanted to do what seemed convenient for me. But I didn't tell her any of this, I didn't want to seem ungrateful or hurt her feelings. Instead, I stared out the window, craning my head to see the tall skyscrapers as we drove through the city.

By the time we parked, we had to have only been in the car for a few minutes.

"Where are we?" I asked as I followed Esme out of the car.

"I thought, since we already live on 5th Avenue, we would just do our shopping here, " she explained, grabbing my hand as she pulled me into the nearest luxury store. Groaning, I let her towe me in, mentally preparing myself for what I knew was going to be the longest shopping trip of my life.

As expected, Esme dragged me to every store on 5th Avenue, which is no small feat. Multiple times, she had to call the driver, whose name I learned is Seth, to meet us to grab our bags which grew at a concerning rate. However, I had to praise Esme for her time management skills, she had us out of every store quickly, simply buying anything we liked. We were able to be finished by seven, both of us exhausted and famished.

We were both too tired to cook at home, and her restaurant staff were already done for the day. So, I decided to let Esme choose a restaurant. She knew the city better than I did since she visited quite a bit in her early twenties. She chose a small Italian restaurant a few blocks from us which was not at all Esme's usual taste, but she called it a "secret gem". When we entered, I was quickly hit with the strong odor of pizza and pasta that made my mouth water. Honestly, I would have found anything appetizing at that point, Esme refused to let us take a break as we shopped.

"How many?" asked the hostess as we entered the restaurant, a bell ringing as we opened the door. Definitely not Esme's usual choice.

"Two please," Esme responded with a kind smile, and the hostess led us through the small restaurant to a booth and handed us menus. She was about to give us time to look at the menu, but my aunt interrupted her quickly, already ready to order.

"I already have a specific order I alway get, if that's alright with you?" she asked me as the waitress took out her pen and paper.

"Fine by me," I honestly couldn't care less, my aunt had great taste, and I was starving.

"Great," she grinned and set off ordering three different types of pizza, two different types of pasta, garlic bread, and two cokes.

I raised my eyebrows at her, surprised that she chose soda, she always said it was too sweet.

"It goes perfectly with the meal," she reasoned after the waiter repeated the order and left. "This is my favorite comfort food spot in New York, and I thought that with such a big change in our lives, we would need a bit of comfort."

My aunt's reasoning, matched with her compassionate eyes, warmed me.

"Awe Esme, how thoughtful."

"It's nothing," she brushed off. "Plus, I owe you for today, you endured hours of shopping instead of looking at the sights as I am sure you wanted to."

"Actually, I hadn't even thought of sight seeing," I countered. "I thought that maybe I would just slowly discover everything myself, like the penthouse. I wouldn't want to waste your time visiting sights you have already been to."

"It wouldn't be a waste of time if you wanted to see them. We could go tomorrow since you start school the next day, it could be like your introduction to New York."

My stomach dropped, not at the idea of sight seeing, which I wasn't really excited to do anyway. But it was the reminder of starting school that caused my anxiety. It was one thing to start a new school, but it was completely another when everybody at that school would already pity me. The same thing happened everytime people realized I was that Bella Swan, the poor Platt heiress.

To add to this knowledge was the fact that this wasn't a regular school, but I didn't have time to dwell on this since Esme was already looking at me with concern, her perfect face crumbled as she furrowed her brow. I knew how I looked, scared and worried, two things that I have not let my aunt know I was feeling about attending my new school. I quickly rearranged my features, forcing a small smile on my face.

"Oh no Esme, I would rather spend Sunday preparing for school. Do you have any restaurant plans tomorrow?"

"Bella," she began, obviously ignoring my redirection of the conversation. "How are you feeling about starting the school year?"

"I feel great," I responded quickly, forcing myself to smile wider. I really didn't want to talk about this, life is better for Esme when she is oblivious to my pain. I didn't want her to worry unnecessarily about me.

But of course, she didn't believe me. She already saw my prior tortured expression, and she knew I must be at least worried.

Placing her hand on mine, she gave me a soft smile. "It's okay to be nervous, a new school in a new state is scary. But if anyone can do it, it's you. You have had a hard year, and compared to what has happened, this is nothing. It's simply a pebble in the road. You are talented, smart and beautiful. You have nothing to worry about, Bella."

I wished I could have believed her.

I wished that I was all those things she said and more.

I wished that everything was going to be okay.

But that was all I could do. Wish and hope and pray. Because even as my aunt lovingly caressed my hand, saying the words that I so want to believe, I knew she was wrong. There were things she couldn't understand.

She doesn't know what it is like to be looked at with pity everywhere she goes, or to hear the low sounds of whispering as her schoolmates gossip about her.

Because it wasn't her mom that died. It was mine.

Esme may have lost a sister, but I lost more than that and she knows it.

I wanted to tell her all of this, to scream that everything won't be alright. I desperately wanted to tell her she was wrong, so she could pull me out of school. So we could leave and never stop leaving. So I could disappear.

But I didn't. I couldn't. My aunt looked at me with such hope and faith that I knew that saying this would break her, and she doesn't deserve to be broken the way I am. So instead, I gave her my best smile and lied through my teeth.

"Of course, you're right. I'm just overreacting."

I couldn't tell if she believed me or not because before she had a chance to respond, three waiters approached us carrying our food. They set it down quickly, and we began eating as soon as they left. My aunt because she was starving, and I to try to ease the gut wrenching feeling that my unsaid thoughts are right. Because no matter how pessimistic I am, a part of me really wants to believe Esme.

xxx

Hey!

I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. I found it difficult to write since it was so filler, but I promise that the next chapter has wayyyyyy more going on.

I've been listening to The Wisp Sings by Winter Aid on repeat to write and sleep. It is a mixture of sad and calming, so I hope you enjoy.

See you all soon, I promise.

-Bella xoxo