She walked into the den with the envelope containing the next episode's script. She sat down with it on her lap, one hand settling on top of the envelope. She always looked forward to the first read through of an episode script. Always had. When they were deep into filming an episode and things changed or didn't go as planned, she always thought back to the first time she'd read the script, writing notes for herself, thinking about how she wanted her character to act or respond or behave. She loved thinking through character motivations, hoping to find that one thing that would make a scene sing or sizzle, depending on what it called for.
She turned the envelope over and opened it, sliding the script out. She knew this would take place during the tour and would focus on events around those concerts. Although she didn't have a song in this episode, she would need to go into the studio to record a song anyway, which always felt a little scary, even after all these months. She knew there would be something in the script regarding Deacon showing up to be in Juliette's band and she knew Rayna would likely obsess over it and try too hard to pretend she was okay with everything. She felt certain Rayna and Deacon's paths would cross and she wondered how those scenes would play out.
She curled up into the arm of the couch and opened the script, flipping past the production notes to when the episode began.
She took a deep breath as she laid the script down on the table. She'd expected Rayna's obsession about Deacon being out on the tour, with her constantly talking about it, unable to put it aside. The tense conversation with Teddy about it, leading to her decision to shut Deacon down. But then all those elevator scenes. In some respects it seemed laughable that 3 times they would be in an elevator by themselves. That not once would the one getting on the elevator make the decision to just get off or not enter at all. Rayna poking the bear, because she just could not stop. But that kiss.
She got up and started to pace. It could have ended with Deacon and Rayna together, but then Teddy arrived. Teddy's visit sort of brought her back down to earth and she had gone to explain that to Deacon, but it didn't change anything. That kiss. When she took herself out of the realities, she knew the fans would be thrilled. It was a heady thing. It was bold of Deacon to do it at all, but then Rayna's reaction to it was a little surprising. Instead of fighting him, she let herself give in. All of the turmoil in her life, the 'time apart' from Teddy, the fact that she absolutely could not, under any circumstances, deny what her true feelings were for Deacon Claybourne. It was magic, in many ways. The love that two people had, even through all the pain of their lives. The absolute inability for either one to give each other up.
More than that though was that this was a very passionate kiss, a deeply felt kiss, a long, lingering kiss. That she would have to do with Chip. The last kiss they'd shared on screen had gotten her in trouble. How was she going to deal with this one? Especially since she'd just told him she couldn't continue whatever it was they had gotten into with each other. If she was honest, though, there was a part of her that tingled thinking about it. They'd have to talk about it for sure. They'd have to figure out how to do it. Oh, she knew all the ways to fake kiss, even those long and lingering kisses that sometimes seemed to never stop. But those were always with someone she didn't know well or had an already platonic relationship with. They'd have to talk about it, something she wasn't entirely looking forward to.
She had just pulled up at the studio for her recording session when her phone buzzed. She pulled it out of her purse and saw that it was Chip. She debated answering. She was getting ready to walk into the studio, but she knew they would wait for her. On the other hand, she wasn't sure she was prepared yet for the conversation she was sure he was calling about. She kept staring at the phone screen until the phone stopped buzzing. She wondered if he'd leave a message and then decided not to wait. She dropped the phone back in her purse and walked into the studio.
She was distracted during the recording and they had to stop numerous times. She was beginning to get frustrated and finally asked if they could reschedule. Then she picked up her purse and headed back out to her car. She didn't like to seem like a diva, that wasn't her style. But she was feeling nervous about the kissing scene. And it was affecting her ability to think about things she needed to think about. She pulled her phone from her purse, wondering if Chip had left a message. She was a little surprised to see that he had not. She was positive he had the script and debated calling him back, but ultimately decided not to.
He called back later that night, after Yoby was down. She was relaxing with a glass of wine. She was filming the next day but not until later in the morning. One of the scenes she was doing was the awkward backstage exchange Rayna had with Deacon. She knew he was also filming, one of the concert scenes with Hayden, and she would also be in the scene, although not interacting with him. They had several days of shooting at the empty warehouse turned arena, for the concert scenes, and then another few days of filming at one of the downtown hotels, for a variety of scenes, including the elevator scenes she would have with Chip.
"Hey," she said when she answered, putting a smile on her face.
"Hey." There was a heavy pause and she waited. He cleared his throat. "I, uh, tried calling you earlier."
"I saw that. But you didn't leave a message."
"I know. I guess I just didn't want to, um, do that. I wanted a chance to actually talk."
"Okay." She felt a little twinge of anxiety. She worried that he was going to struggle to work with her.
"I kind of wanted to talk about the scene tomorrow, but I know there's not so much time to do that now."
"I could probably get there a little early, if you have time to do that." She felt a little bit of relief that he hadn't mentioned what she'd come to think of as 'The Kiss'.
"That would be great. But I, uh, I also wanted to, you know, just talk. About things." She realized he was as tentative as she was when it came to how they moved forward. It wasn't as though they could pretend nothing had ever happened between them. "So, I got a late shooting schedule Friday and I'm not going home for the weekend. Maybe we could do it then?"
"Well, sure, I guess." She realized she sounded sort of distant and she didn't mean to. "I mean, of course."
"Maybe we could meet somewhere."
She knew she could certainly invite him to her house. They wouldn't be out in public, where people might see them. Now that the show was airing, there was a lot more buzz around the cast and seeing them out and about in Nashville. "Did you have any ideas?"
"There's lots of parks and hiking trails and places where you can be a little more...private, if that sounds good."
"Sure." The weather would be turning cooler soon, so getting some time outside while it was still warm sounded good.
"I'll come up with something and let you know." He paused. "You been doing okay?"
She laughed, a shaky sound. "Yeah, but I've been pretty busy. Filming, raising a son, that kind of thing."
He laughed as well. "I guess so. That kind of thing can keep you busy." He seemed like he was on the verge of saying something else, but he kept stopping.
"Chip, I don't want things to be awkward. Like this. I mean, I know we're still going to be working together – a lot – and I want us to feel...comfortable with each other. It doesn't have to be weird."
He laughed again, almost a sound of relief. "No, it doesn't. I just don't want to, I don't know, make it uncomfortable."
She hesitated for a second before she responded. "I know we can do this. Clearly we care a lot about each other. I think, no matter what else happens, we'll be great friends always. You will always be someone who's really dear to me and we'll be connected forever. I believe that."
"I do too." His voice was low, almost a whisper. "So. That's what we'll be and that's what we'll do and we'll start by meeting up tomorrow to talk about how Rayna makes everything all about her."
After a second she laughed. A real, full-bodied laugh. "He should have known what kind of dust it was going to kick up when he let himself get talked into it by Miss Sparkly Pants."
He laughed too, an easy laugh, and it made her start to relax. "He's just showing her he doesn't need her."
"Ha!" she said. "Well, I guess we can take this back up tomorrow then."
"Deal," he said. "Have a good night, Connie."
"You too, Chip." She lowered the phone and disconnected. They would have to talk about how to handle The Kiss, but she wasn't going to think about that just yet. There was time. Not a lot, but enough.
She met him back in a corner, where he was sitting with his phone. As she walked up, he looked up at her and smiled. She felt butterflies in her stomach and it felt like her heart was beating faster. God, I miss him. She sat down in the chair beside him. "Hey," she said.
"Hey." They just looked at each other for a long minute. Then he cut his eyes away and broke the silence. "So I'm thinking he feels hopeful, until she tells him things feel awkward."
She nodded. "Yeah, I think that's true." She sighed. "I sort of wish she didn't feel the need to say it out loud. It clearly is – and they obviously both know it – but it's not like they can avoid each other forever. I think she's just still feeling a little put out by how things were left when she went to his house." She shrugged. "I think when he walked away, she left and felt pissed. I think she went there with the best of intentions, but when she started down the path of making sure he was doing his program and all, it just flipped a switch, and she was back to being the one in charge and he was the screw up."
He nodded. "It's that trying to figure out the balance thing, I think. He still wants her, just doesn't know what to do about it." She could see something in his eyes that made her realize he wasn't just talking about their characters.
"And she's not making it easy."
"Nope." He breathed in. "I think they'll figure it out." He gave her the hint of a smile.
She smiled back, not sure exactly how to respond to that, so she ended up changing the subject. "So do you want to run through it a couple times?"
"Yeah, I think that would be good." He reached for his script and she pulled hers out of her purse and they ran through the lines, changing inflections, trying out eye contact, talking through the little things that always ended up making the scenes work.
The thing that was hardest for her is that she felt like she knew Rayna in her soul and knew the pull she felt towards Deacon. She couldn't imagine having to act like they were just friends for all those years and it made her think about her own situation. Somehow they'd have to figure out the right cadence, just the way Deacon and Rayna had. They were still feeling their way through what they knew of their characters' past, but it was clear that they had figured out something, maybe had to work hard at it, but it had worked. And when she thought about The Kiss later in the episode, she also knew it was messy.
When it was time for him to go for his first scene, she watched him walk away. The thought crossed her mind that she wished she had met him years ago. Back at a time when maybe things wouldn't have been as complicated. But she hadn't and now things were complicated. When they were together she couldn't help but feel some inevitability. And it seemed that the harder she tried to push against it, the bigger the hole grew in her heart.
She looked down at the script and flipped to the pages she had marked with the elevator kiss. She read through the lines, although there weren't many, the production notes, and ran through it in her head. Rayna was in a very vulnerable place, although she wasn't sure her character would have thought so. But being vulnerable meant that after the initial shock of Deacon's lips on hers, she let her instincts take over. It was comfortable, familiar, and it was what she wanted, in kind of a primal way. She was letting herself, in those few moments, give in to what she'd been holding back for years.
In her own life, however, it was what she was most afraid of.
It was a gloomy day, which probably kept a lot of people away from the park who might otherwise have been there on a weekend day. She had dressed herself and Yoby warmly. There was a light breeze and she was glad she had done that. She was wearing a cap, pulled low on her forehead and she had arranged everything in the stroller so that Yoby wasn't visible. She headed for the place Chip had suggested. He was sitting on a bench, with a light jacket and a ball cap of his own. He smiled when he saw her and she smiled back.
"Hey," he said. "This didn't turn out to be the best of days, did it?"
"No, not really, but that's okay."
He gestured down a little slight overgrown path. "Let's go this way."
She was a little skeptical. "Is it a real path?"
He smiled. "Not officially, but it would be more private." She nodded and walked with him until they could no longer see the main trail. He sat, leaning back against a tree. She chose one next to him and did the same. She turned the stroller to face her. She could see that Yoby was asleep. He turned to look at her. "Thanks for coming. I just thought it would be good to kind of talk through some things."
"I think it would too."
He didn't say anything at first. He rested his arms on his knees in a casual way. He looked back towards the trail, then straight ahead. "So I got asked to play the Grand Ole Opry." He turned to look at her.
She smiled. "That's so awesome, Chip. That must be like a dream come true for you."
He nodded. "It is. I never thought it would be something I'd do except on the show."
"Is it something you've always wanted to do?" She remembered how in awe of the famous venue he had been when they'd filmed there during the pilot.
He smiled, then laughed a little. "I don't know that I'd say that, but maybe only because it just never seemed possible, you know? My dad loved country music and I know he'd really appreciate this." He chuckled a little. "I would never even have dared to put it on a bucket list and then we got to do it." He pointed towards her. "That would have been enough."
"When?"
He screwed up his face. "Early November. I'm terrible with dates, but I have it written down at home."
"So will your family be here for that?"
"I don't know. It's a Friday night and I don't know what everyone's schedule looks like." He looked at her. "You should come."
"Oh, I don't know. If your family's going to be there, it might not be a great idea."
He looked a little sad. "I'd still like you to come."
"Well, we'll see what's going on then." There was a long pause.
"Oh, another thing. It'll be at the Ryman Auditorium. The old Mother Church of Country Music."
She grinned. "Well, that's even better. Do you know what you'll sing?"
He shook his head. "Hadn't even thought about it yet. I guess something from the show, but maybe I'll do something I wrote."
That surprised her. She didn't remember him telling her he'd written songs. "You write your own songs?"
He nodded. "I do. Well, let me rephrase that. I try." He chuckled. "It's something I like doing, but I'm still working on it. Trying to get better at it."
"Well, I'd love to hear your songs sometime."
"When I write something worthy, I'll let you hear it."
They didn't talk for a minute, so then she broke the silence. "How does it feel not being at home for the weekend? Is this the first time you've had to miss?"
"It is. I miss my kids. I'll miss their activities and just getting to hang out with them." He nodded towards Yoby. "Not that you don't enjoy kids at his age, but when they're older and really kind of exploring who they are as people and figuring stuff out, it's just amazing. Getting to watch them become good people." He looked down, then back at her. "I promised myself when they were born that I would be a really present dad. The absolute only downside to doing this show is that they are in LA and I'm here."
It was what she thought he needed to really focus on, what he might lose with his kids if they didn't figure out how to be friends instead of something else entirely. "Would you...move them here if the show's picked up for another season?"
"That would be the idea," he said, and she detected a little hesitancy in his voice. He sighed. "You know my parents got divorced when I was pretty young."
"I remember."
"Well, it was a really tough time for me. For us. My sister and me. We didn't live in the same city as our dad, so we didn't see him regularly. And he hadn't really been the best father. He was trying hard to be successful and sort of lost his way. Eventually it got bad enough that my mom left and took us to Alexandria, where I grew up. So I didn't have my dad and I didn't have a real dad figure, although I had other men in my family who sort of covered a lot of that. But I wanted to be present for my own kids, not be the kind of dad he was in the beginning."
She couldn't help but think that this would be what would ultimately be in the way of anything happening between them beyond what already had. His kids came first. She understood that, now that she had Yoby, and she thought it probably was a good thing she'd called a halt on things. She wouldn't want to be the person in the way of him having that relationship. "You know, I can't even imagine what that would be like. I never had to deal with that. I guess it would be something you wouldn't want to repeat."
He leaned his head back against the trunk of the tree. "I've focused so much on that. It's still important to me. I don't want my kids to feel the same things I felt about my dad." He looked over at her. "I'm never going to apologize for what happened between you and me. I'm not going to say it was just us getting carried away or caught up in our characters." She had to look away so he wouldn't see how much she wanted to cry. "I'll do whatever you want, but I'm torn, Connie. It's not that I have this terrible home life or that my...marriage is broken, it's just that as soon as I saw you that first day, I knew we were meant to connect in some really deep way. And maybe that first time it wasn't planned and maybe it was just me acting on some...need, but I didn't feel like I could stop it." She could feel his eyes on her and she turned to look back at him. She saw the deep feelings in his gaze, the pain and sadness, the feeling of duty versus that...intimacy between them that she had to acknowledge was still there. "I won't hurt you. I mean, my god, I don't even deserve someone like you." She caught a glimpse of tears in his eyes as he looked up towards the sky. "You could have pushed me away, told me I was delusional, anything. I never had expectations. Hell, even when we, um, went upstairs, I felt kind of like I was out of my body. Afterwards I thought I had been way too full of myself to even think you would reciprocate anything I was feeling. And then I made...assumptions about what we were to each other and what that looked like that weren't fair to you." He sighed heavily and looked down. "To any of us, I guess, really." He looked back at her. "I can't change how I feel though."
Her heart felt heavy, listening to all of that. It was all so complicated and she could see that not only were her feelings a jumble, his were too. The truth was, she understood every single thing he said, because she had had the same or similar feelings and emotions. "I know," she said quietly. "It's an impossible situation. For both of us. I want to try to take the long view though, you know?" He nodded sadly. "I want to think about where we are a year from now, two years from now, however many years from now, and I don't want to screw up anything that would make us not able to work together, be around each other. No matter what, that's important to me. It matters. You matter to me, Chip. Whatever way that needs to be."
They sat for a while then, in silence. It felt comfortable, though, rather than awkward. He did matter to her. The intimacy they'd shared had been real. She wouldn't – and couldn't – deny that. They could move past it into something else and she knew they could stay friends. He was someone she wanted to keep in her life. She sometimes felt like she chose friends, curated a group around her that contributed to her life in very meaningful ways. She was a private person, but she opened up parts of herself to the people closest to her. Her friends had become her family, the ones she relied on the most, and she cherished those she'd chosen. He would most certainly be one of those. She felt a deep connection with him from the moment they'd met. That it had initially been sexual didn't mean it had to stay that way, and also didn't mean it had to go away altogether. Maybe that was okay. It would always be there, but it just connected them even more as friends. He would be that one she held in her heart, her soulmate, in a friend way.
"So what about that kiss?" His question broke the silence and she turned to look at him. She didn't quite know how to respond. "How do we do it?"
She swallowed. "You mean from a character perspective? Or a technical perspective?"
He smiled. "Technical, I guess. I know the character perspective."
She grinned. "He lusts for her." Then she laughed.
He laughed too. "Well, it's more than lust, I think. But he wants her to know nothing really has changed between them. Not at the heart of it. That's what I think."
"But she's asking him why he's on the tour. She's asked everyone why he's on the tour."
He raised an eyebrow. "She knows why he's on the tour. I just wonder what she expected him to say. Or how she would have reacted if he'd said it."
She considered that. "That's a good question, actually. Nobody else is really giving her what she wants to hear. Which I think in some ways she doesn't want to hear. She makes it so much bigger than it needs to be."
"The kiss tells her everything she needs to know." He cleared his throat. "So then, how do we do it? Technically."
"I guess it depends on camera angles." She didn't know what to do about it. She knew all the tricks to make it look real, but it could prove challenging. This was Chip, a man she'd already kissed, in much the same fashion as Deacon had kissed Rayna. "Maybe we just see what they have planned and go from there?"
"I guess we can go that route."
She rubbed her hands on her knees, then looked over at him. "I don't think I want to talk about it anymore. Or the rest. I think I just want to sit here for a while and just...be. You know?" He nodded, then leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes. She watched him for a minute, then turned her gaze to the woods around them. The leaves were beginning to turn color and a few were falling, but not so much that it took away the private feeling of the area. It was peaceful, in a way one wouldn't necessarily expect so close to the city. It was one of the things she missed about this part of the country. LA was nothing like this. She loved the sunshine and the underlying bustle of LA. She'd loved the energy in New York City, but had grown tired of the cold and the snow and the gloominess that could settle in. LA had the energy, but in a more easygoing way that had appealed to her. But this place still had pockets of silence and solitude and she had not realized how much she'd missed that.
She missed LA, missed her home, missed her friends, but she had grown to love Nashville. There was a different kind of energy in Nashville, an energy that felt young and urban and edgy, despite its country music roots. She was starting to make friends. Her friend Jessie had introduced her to a wider group of people and she and Kim Williams-Paisley were developing that connection as well. She loved feeling more connected to the artistic side of Nashville, the creative part. And then there was the man who sat next to her. Not close enough to touch, but close in other ways. She had learned he was a kind and generous man but he also made her laugh. She thought she loved that the most about him, that he had an amazing sense of humor and made her happy.
A twinge of anxiety hit. Love. She'd thought that. This is what I love about him. She'd come close to using that word in her head, but she'd always caught herself. She knew there were so many different ways to use the word, but she was very cognizant of the way it could mean what she felt about him. She didn't want to love him, at least not as a lover, and yet he had been already, and she'd felt something in her heart and soul that she hadn't felt before him. She thought she'd loved her husband, but she now knew it to be infatuation. She'd been with other men, but never felt love for them. At least not the intimate love she had wanted. But she'd felt it with Chip. The first time they were together, she'd felt it. But she resisted naming it. It wasn't fair, to either of them. So she adjusted her thought. What I appreciate the most about him is how he makes me laugh and creates a sense of fun. She smiled to herself. That was better.
When they finally walked back to the main trail, she felt surprisingly unsettled. She didn't say anything to him, but even though they had talked a lot and shared feelings, she still wasn't sure what lay ahead. With a friendly wave, they went separate ways, but she still didn't feel any more certain of where they were than she had when they had sat down in front of those trees.
She was filming 4 scenes that day – the scene with Eric where Teddy asked for a divorce, a scene in Rayna's hotel room where she contemplated what to do, a scene with Chip in Deacon's hotel room where she told him about Teddy, and the elevator kiss. There would be no wardrobe change, which made the day easier, but she was incredibly anxious about the kiss, which was the final scene they'd shoot that day.
She felt distracted as she sat for hair and makeup. She felt like she was sleepwalking through her scenes, even the one with Chip in the hotel room. They were filming a third take, when they had to stop again. She felt flustered and held up her hand. "Can I take a short break?" she asked. Without waiting for a response, she walked out of the room and down the hall. When she had gotten past everyone, she stopped. She rested her hands on her thighs and, closing her eyes, breathed in, then out.
"You okay?" Startled, she whirled around to face Chip.
She waved her hands in front of her face. "It's just been a long day and I'm, well, I just needed a minute."
"You're nervous." It was a statement, not a question. She said nothing, but nodded. "It's okay," he said. "It's gonna be fine."
She tried to smile. "I know that," she said. "I shouldn't be worried." She laughed a little. "It's just such tight quarters, you know?"
A smile spread across his face. "It'll be a piece of cake. I promise. Now let's get back and finish up this scene." She couldn't help but smile, starting to feel a little more relaxed, and they walked back to finish shooting the scene.
She tried to slow her breathing down. She put her hand over her heart, feeling it beating hard. She drew her legs up, still feeling him inside her. He was balanced on his forearms, looking down at her, breathing in and out. She clenched herself around him, as she gazed up into his eyes. He let out a low moan. She lifted her arms and wrapped them around his neck, pulling him down to her, as she kissed him hungrily, much like she'd done in that crowded elevator. Over and over and over again, as they worked to get the camera angles right. He slid his hands under her ass, pressing into her for those last few seconds. His tongue filled her mouth, just as it had as they were filming. It wasn't what they had planned, but it had been what they needed.
He arrived less than 5 minutes after Olivia had left. She had pulled him through the front door and then he had pressed her back against it, as his mouth took hers. He kissed her thoroughly and completely and she barely heard the click of the lock on the front door. She could feel how rock hard he was as he leaned against her and all she wanted to do was take her clothes off and let him fill her up. Her arms were around his neck and she slid her fingers into the hair on the back of his neck and she kissed him back. The pressure of his erection against her abdomen was heating her up and she felt wet already. He tore his lips from hers. "I don't know if I'm gonna last," he whispered huskily against her swollen lips.
They hurried down the hall to her bedroom. They had only shed their pants and underwear and she groaned at the sight of him. She gently pushed him and he sat down on the edge of the bed, looking up at her. Then he put his hands at her waist as she straddled him. He adjusted her slightly, then pushed inside her. She put her arms around his neck and he put his hands on the small of her back, keeping her balanced on his lap. She tightened her legs around him, adjusting herself a little more, feeling him move all the way inside her. He rocked against her and she picked up his rhythm. He moved his hands to cup her ass, guiding her tempo. She put her mouth on his and he kissed her fiercely. It didn't take long before he came and she followed within seconds, hanging on to him as if for dear life.
She finally disentangled herself from him and stood up. He did the same. She looked up at him. "Did you do that on purpose?" she asked, her voice soft and non-judgmental.
He shook his head. "Did you?" She shook hers.
"Do you think that's always going to happen?"
He smiled. "You mean, that we just can't help it? I wouldn't be surprised." He ran his hand over her hair. "It just felt, you know, natural." His face turned serious. "Do you want me to leave?"
She stood there for a moment, just staring at him. She thought about how The Kiss had felt, the one she hoped no one filming it knew was real. She thought about how she knew, in that moment, that this was inevitable. She thought about how nothing was said between the two of them, yet he showed up here and she accepted that. She thought about how it felt to have him inside her and how all the tension she'd been feeling had just vanished.
"No, I don't."
A/N: If any of you have seen the promotional photo from this episode, where Rayna is obviously in Deacon's room, it appears that it could have been from a deleted scene. So I decided that it was.