She looked up as he slid into a chair across the table from her. She was filming a scene that day with the Stella sisters, as Rayna told them she was dating Deacon. They were shooting the finale and there was a lot of intense stuff going on throughout the episode. She smiled. "Hey," she said. She was a little surprised to see him on set that day. "I didn't know you were going to be here."
He smiled back. "Yeah, I've got one kind of small scene a little later today. I came in early to tell you about some news I just got about us being asked to perform at Tin Pan South."
She frowned. "We? As in you and me? And what's Tin Pan South?"
"It's a songwriter festival here in Nashville. There are shows at a lot of different venues around the city. Kind of like a bunch of writers' rounds, I guess."
"So who's the 'we'?"
"Well, the cast. Any of them that want to. And I think it would be great if you and Hayden join us. It's kind of a surprise guest kind of thing."
She shook her head. "I'm not going to get up and sing in front of people. You know I'm not comfortable with that."
He gave her a pleading look. "What if you do it with me?"
She thought about it. She might be willing to do something like that with him, but then she thought about the fact that it would still be in front of a live audience. She'd pretend performed in front of extras, but she wasn't truly singing, there was a soundtrack behind her. Finally, she shook her head again. "I can't. I wouldn't feel comfortable."
"One song. Just one song. Together." He smiled. "Just think about it."
"I can think about it, but the answer's still going to be no. Even with you. I'm sorry."
He shrugged good-naturedly. "Well, I'm still gonna try to talk you into it."
She smiled. "I'm sure you will."
He did continue to try to talk her into it. Since they were only asked a few days ahead of time, she felt like she'd be able to hold him off. When she really thought about it, there was a part of her that wanted to say yes. But then she'd think about how nervous she felt just singing in the studio and she just didn't really trust her voice to stay steady or that she'd actually be able to sing on key. Chip had said that if she would do it that they could do The End of the Day, a song they'd done for an earlier episode. Kind of a sneak peak for the audience. There weren't a lot of scale changes and he said he'd sing it with her, but she still felt sick to her stomach when she thought about it.
When the day came for the show and he still hadn't gotten her to agree, he seemed disappointed, but he didn't make her feel bad. There was also the issue of having someone to watch Yoby for her, so that added to her decision that it wasn't the right thing to do. He tried one last time before he left for the venue.
"You can still change your mind," he said, with a hopeful smile. She wished she could say yes. He looked so good that night and she could so easily just melt with a single look from him, but she stood firm.
"I wish I could, but I just can't," she said.
He looked at her for a second, then leaned in to kiss her. "Just think about it. Maybe one of your friends could watch Yoby last minute. I know you'd be a hit. If you do change your mind, just drive around back to the stage door. I'll let them know that if you do show up, to let you in."
She smiled. "I know you'll do a great job tonight. You'll have to tell me all about it afterwards." There was a flash of disappointment in his eyes, but then it was gone. He kissed her one more time and then he left. She stood at the window and watched as he drove down the street and then she wondered if she should have said yes after all.
She couldn't sit still. She kept getting up and pacing through the house. Even though she thought she'd made the right decision for herself, she kept seeing Chip's disappointment. To his credit, he'd never gotten angry. He, more than anyone, knew how scared she was to sing live. He had challenged her to sing The End of the Day to him when they had filmed the scene. It was a sweet, intimate scene, with Rayna and Deacon singing to each other the way she imagined they would have done during all the years they were together. She had done it and he had smiled and then leaned into her. "You did it," he whispered, and she could see how proud of her he was.
This, what he'd proposed, was different though. There would be no soundtrack that would cover her as it would when the episode aired. Viewers would see – and hear – the perfectly recorded studio version. The audience that night would hear Connie Britton, raw and unfiltered. She hadn't practiced since she'd performed the song Rayna sang in the final episode, so she would be a little rusty. Chip would do fine without her. Everyone would do fine without her. It would please him though.
They were almost done with filming for the season. They were both a little anxious about the last scene they were filming, which would be the last scene in the episode – the accident. She'd had mixed feelings about it. It was such a soapy ending, but she supposed it also exposed the things Rayna had always said she was afraid of. She had no worries that, if the show was renewed, their characters would both survive. She and Chip weren't doing the actual rollover scene – there were stunt people for that – but it was a highly emotional scene and it set up a potentially irrevocable split between the two. It was a lot.
There was also the matter of it being the end of the season. Everyone would pack up and go home. They would wait to see if the show was renewed. They would either hope for the best or prepare for the worst. She looked forward to the break, regardless of the outcome. She was exhausted. Not only had she dealt with a complex show that challenged her daily, but she had dealt with the long hours, while learning to be a mom. She'd started out with no support people in place, but now she had a great circle of friends in Nashville, people she could call upon and rely on. And she'd had an affair with her costar that, while exhilarating and satisfying in many ways, was also something that weighed on her. It was wrong – she'd tell any other woman that it was and that in the long run it wouldn't be worth the pain. It was the part she'd been surprised to find she was willing to do anyway. Pain and heartache were at the end of this journey. And that was happening soon too. When the season was over and they went home, it would end, and she would have her heart torn in two.
So much to think about and consider.
She paced the room, wondering if she had enough time to run. But just then Chip appeared at the doorway. He looked so happy to see her as he walked over to her and hugged her. Then he stepped back. "What made you change your mind?"
She didn't want to tell him all the things she'd thought about. "I just decided to put myself out there," she said. "Do it afraid." She held her index finger up. "Now this does not mean I'll do it again, but I'm giving it a shot." She grabbed his arm. "Do we have time to practice it?"
"Of course. And don't worry. It's gonna be great."
It still felt surreal. They had run through the song and she had a moment of hesitation, not sure she could do it after all. But he was encouraging and reminded her he'd be right there with her. She was surprised when, as they walked out of the room and headed for the stage, he grabbed her hand. It felt comforting though and she held his tightly. Just before they got to the stage, he turned to her. "You okay?" he asked. She nodded mutely, unable to say anything. "Just keep your eyes on me, baby, and it'll be fine."
They had walked out on the stage and he had introduced her as a surprise guest, which she supposed she was. The reception was enthusiastic and that felt good. It didn't necessarily make her less anxious, but it was nice to know they were on her side. She had joked when she came out that they should 'Rayna and Deacon it up', which got cheers and applause, and she smiled at the audience. The lights were bright in her eyes and she couldn't make out any but the closest fans, so that helped her feel a little more relaxed.
And then, almost before she knew it, it was over. Chip leaned close to her. "I'm proud of you," he whispered in her ear.
She smiled. "I couldn't have done it without you," she whispered back.
When they walked off the stage, she felt his hand lightly touching her back. She was glad she had decided to do it after all. She wouldn't say that she'd do it again, but she knew she'd never do it without him.
"Can I come see you?" he said softly, as they headed for the back room.
She stopped and looked at him. "I have a babysitter at the house with Yoby. Can I text you when she's gone?" He nodded. "Shouldn't take too long."
As soon as she opened the door, he scooped her up in his arms and twirled her around. She laughed as she wrapped her arms around his neck. When he set her down on the floor, he kissed her. "You were fantastic!" he cried. "I told you it would be awesome."
She took his hand and led him into the den. "You did say something like that," she admitted. They sat on the couch and he put his arm around her. "It was still super scary and I don't know that I'll ever do that again, so don't ask me."
He turned her slightly towards him and kissed her. "Not promising that. But we'll see." He kissed her again, upping the intensity, and she could feel herself start to respond and her body start to get hot. He flipped her onto her back and lay on top of her, his lips not leaving hers. She hooked one arm under his arm and grabbed his shoulder and the other wound around his neck. She lifted her hips slightly, pressing herself against him, feeling how hard he was. He ran one hand down her back, sliding it underneath her and cupping her butt cheek, pressing her close.
"Oh god, Chip," she murmured and then continued to kiss him. She moved her arms and then tried to reach between them for his belt. He raised up just enough so that she could unbuckle his belt and undo his jeans, then he did the same for her, jerking the jeans down past her thighs. He pulled his lips from hers and looked down at her as he put one finger inside her.
"Mm," he moaned. It felt good but she wanted more. She pushed at his jeans as he moved his finger inside her. She was so turned on as she pushed at his jeans until he finally sprang free. He pushed inside her and she could feel herself start to come immediately. She clung to him and pressed her mouth against his shoulder as she cried out and her orgasm seemed to go on and on. He drove into her one last time and then spilled himself inside her. They just held each other while they caught their breath and then he chuckled a little. "I think you were incredibly turned on by singing in front of a crowd," he said.
She laughed, still breathing hard. "Maybe," she said. "But I think it was more the man I was singing with in front of that crowd." She thought about the fact that at that moment she was on her couch, half dressed, having just had sex. "I feel a little bit like a teenager right now."
"How come?"
"You know. Making out on the couch in your parents' house, hoping you don't get caught."
He smirked. "I think we did a little more than make out though."
She put her hands on his shoulders. "I guess that's true." She pushed gently and he took the hint to get up off the couch. He reached for her hand and pulled her up as well. They both pulled up their jeans and then headed back to her bedroom together.
She woke up the next morning when the sun was just starting to rise and the room was no longer so dark. She was lying on her side facing him. He was asleep on his back, so she just watched him. She'd surprised herself the night before when she'd gone to the show after all and had performed with him. It wasn't something she'd really wanted to do, as in any kind of bucket list item, but it felt like she had proved something to herself. The thing was that she liked to sing. She sang to Yoby and sang in the car, along to the radio or a CD. She had tried musical theater early in her career and had enjoyed it but hadn't felt confident enough back then to really do the work to be successful at it. So it had almost been like a full circle sort of thing.
She'd had a good career, worked with people she liked and admired, made many friends among those people. But around the time she'd decided to adopt a baby and started that process, she'd felt a need to sort of shake things up. Friday Night Lights had been special. She loved Tami Taylor and had fiercely worked to ensure she was relevant, beyond being just a coach's wife. Tami was who she had aspired to be as a young woman – confident, aspirational, successful, and a champion for women. Tami was the perfect role. But it was also easy, at least from an actor's standpoint. It didn't challenge her in ways that forced her out of her comfort zone. The work around adopting from Africa had challenged her in ways she had never thought were possible and she wanted to translate that to her work. Hence taking the role on American Horror Story and then agreeing to play a country music star on Nashville. Maybe particularly the latter.
The singing thing had been the challenge. It was one thing to do it within the bubble of the show. It had been quite another to put herself out there and sing for people who were not named Yoby Britton. She still felt heart palpitations just thinking about it. Just then Chip stirred a little bit and then finally opened his eyes. He breathed in sharply and then turned his head towards her. She smiled.
"Hey."
He smiled back, kind of a lazy smile. "Hey yourself," he said, his voice groggy with sleep. "You been awake long?"
"Not that long."
He grinned. "But you've been watching me."
She laughed. "I have. Guilty as charged. But I like watching you."
He rolled onto his side, facing her. "I like watching you too, as it happens. But not just when you sleep." He reached over and pushed her hair back and then let the back of his hand trail lightly down her face. "I like watching everything you do." He breathed in. "You inspire me." He looked so serious, his eyes telegraphing strong emotions, and it suddenly hit her that they were likely hitting the end of the road for this most lovely of interludes.
She put her hand on his cheek, leaned in and kissed him. "This has been so amazing," she said softly. "All of it. With you." She kissed him again, then sighed.
He frowned. "What's wrong?"
We're almost finished filming. And our last scene together is that horrible, awful crash – or at least what leads up to it – and it feels like such a metaphor for both of us. I feel so sure we'll get renewed and then you'll break my heart. It truly felt like that and part of her wished she could say that to him, or at least some version of it. And she probably would, but she wasn't quite ready, even though she knew it would weigh on her these last few days. She made herself smile. "Oh, you know, these scenes today are rough."
It was true. They'd be shooting the confrontation in Rayna's dressing room and then she'd be shooting the aftermath of that, in Maddie's bedroom. Painful, heartbreaking stuff. He nodded. "Yeah, you're right." He put his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her close, giving her a long, lingering kiss. "We can always make up for it tonight though."
"Yeah, you're right. We can." She gave him a quick smile. "And now I need to go see about my son." She rolled over and then got up from the bed. He did as well. It was his cue to leave after those nights he stayed over and she was working. Yoby loved Chip and, if he saw him still at the house in the morning, he would get all excited and talk about Chip, which could be awkward with Olivia. The secrecy of their relationship weighed heavily on her – him too, if she were to guess – and being careful was just part of the deal. She thought they handled it well on set the off set life could sometimes be a little trickier.
When she walked around the bed, he pulled her into his arms and held her close. "So I can see you tonight?"
She looked at him. "I would be disappointed if you weren't here," she said, with a smile.
He smiled back and then gave her a quick kiss. "Okay then. I'll get dressed and head out. See you soon." She rubbed his arm and then headed for the hall so she go upstairs and get Yoby. She had just reached the top of the stairs when she heard the door open and close. She stood still for a moment, letting herself feel all the emotions she knew were ahead. Then she turned and headed for Yoby's room.
"So, since we're filming so late that last night, Olivia is going to spend the night so she can watch Yoby." They were sitting in the corner of the production facility where they liked to get together to talk about scenes. It had been a ritual for them for the entire season and one she had enjoyed. In the beginning, she knew he saw her as someone much more experienced than he was and he let her kind of lead them through an interpretation of a scene or discussion around how to play it. Over the course of the season, while he still sort of deferred to her, he'd become more confident in his ability to figure out what his character would do and regularly talked about the tone or atmosphere of a particular scene. He'd had a lot of thoughts about Deacon's state of mind after he'd found out about Maddie's paternity and then how he thought Deacon might respond to Rayna at the very end of the episode.
He looked a little surprised, but then covered it well. "Makes sense." He smiled. "I'll miss you though."
She smiled back. "I'll miss you too." She paused. "Will I see you the night before the wrap party?"
He nodded. "Of course. But we still have a few days before then." He looked at her with a bit of a question on his face. "And..."
"Everything as normal, right?" she responded. These were the last few nights she'd have with him before the season ended and she didn't want to give them up. Everyone was hopeful for a season 2 pickup, but they wouldn't know immediately. Anything could happen.
"That's the plan," he said.
She got up from her chair. "Okay, well, I've got to go to wardrobe. I think we're ready, don't you?"
He stood up as well. "Absolutely." They were filming Rayna's performance at the CMA's. It would be a long day, because it always was when it was a scene like that and there were a lot of extras.
She gave him a cheeky smile. "Wait til you see what Rayna's wearing," she said, with a laugh. "I think you might have a hard time scowling."
He laughed good-naturedly. "I guess we'll just have to do take after take then, huh?"
She started to walk away, then turned her head back. "See you soon," she said, with a little wave and a smile.
He texted her late that night. You looked hot. Any chance you brought that home? She laughed to herself. She'd been afraid to lean forward at all for fear of having a wardrobe malfunction. She had been surprised when Susie had come up with that outfit.
She held up the bustier and then looked at Susie. "Really? I know Rayna likes her rhinestones and shiny stuff, but isn't she a little more conservative than this?"
Susie shrugged. "She's 40 and still hot and her man's going to be onstage with her. She wants to show him a little something."
She laughed then. "Well, I guess she had no clue he was going to find out about Maddie that night. A waste of a good stage outfit."
She smiled as she tapped out her reply. No, I did not. Sorry.
Too bad. I'll see you tomorrow then. Sweet dreams.
You too.
She put the phone down on her bedside table and sighed. She couldn't help but think about that inevitable conversation they would need to have before leaving for LA. She knew she had probably allowed things to go on too long. She assumed it was on his mind as well, but they'd done a good job of pretending it wasn't there. Since they'd reconciled, they had spent almost every night together. Many nights they would just sleep next to each other, sometimes spooning each other, and that had felt so normal. They often talked long into the night, about anything and everything.
She would find herself wondering sometimes if these were the kinds of things he did with his wife. She felt like they probably talked about their kids and all those kinds of things that she wasn't experiencing just yet. Was he happy with that? It seemed that maybe he was not, since he'd sought her out. They had never talked about a future or what that would look like. They had shared I love you's and she believed he meant it the same as she did, but he still had a family. And if they renewed the show, that family would come with him to Nashville, which meant the end of this lovely interlude.
She felt tears in her eyes and reached for a tissue. She dabbed at her eyes, thinking she shouldn't have let herself get pulled into this. When the show was picked up and they'd started filming, she knew she shouldn't have let herself give in. But she had, because her I love you was real. She assumed he was still saying that to his wife, which meant she was not the only one. I should feel bad about that. Actually I do feel bad about that. I've been weak. I could blame it on being in a new city, feeling overwhelmed with a new baby, not knowing people, feeling alone. But most of that's changed now. I have friends and Yoby is becoming his own little person and I've grown to love the city. So there's no need for this now and yet every time we have some significant event in the lives of our characters, we fall right back into this dance that's leading nowhere. Nowhere except some place filled with pain.
It had been wonderful having him in her life. He was fun and he made her laugh. They talked about so many things that mattered to each of them and had both learned so much about each other through doing that. If they had both been unattached, it would have felt like they were building something together. It had been something she'd hoped for, for years. Her life was fulfilling even without that – she had her work and her causes – but once Yoby had come into her life, she knew that she was missing the one person who would have truly completed them. And there was Chip. Except he couldn't give her what she was looking for. They pretended, but it wasn't the same. He had another life he needed to go back to and obligations he needed to fulfill. If there were choices to be made, he was the one who would need to make them.
She leaned back against her headboard and closed her eyes. They would need to talk before they broke for the summer. They would need to go back and find that place where they would be friends again. Considering how the season was ending, she couldn't imagine that season 2 would start with anything other than their characters no longer being together. That would probably mean less scenes together, which might help solidify the transition. They would have these 3 months to move on, separately. It was the only way.
She opened her eyes and got out of bed, going into the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she came back to bed, she slipped under the sheets, missing him being there with her, and tried to sleep. They didn't have much time left, only days left to savor, and then the very thing she'd known would happen from the start would in fact happen – she would have to learn to live without him. And he would go back to his old life and continue from there.
She laid there awake for a long time, her tears soaking her pillow, until she finally drifted off into a fitful sleep, filled with dreams of Chip walking away from her.
The next night he didn't get to her house until almost 11, after a long filming day. He was filming scenes around Deacon's fall off the wagon, scenes that were both emotionally and physically draining. The two of them had had long conversations around whole reveal and the aftermath, about how painful it would have been for both characters. Deacon's reaction to knowing the truth was both heartbreaking and devastating.
"In the end, how do we play it?" he asked. They were sitting in her living room talking through the whole scenario.
"It's hard. You know, I always try to look for the reasons why my character would do what she does. I try to put myself in those shoes to really feel that motivation. This one's a little harder, but I have to think that something about their situation caused her to believe that him not knowing was the right thing to do." She had struggled a bit at first as she tried to rationalize what might have happened. At that point, they had little information about that time and all that was really known was that Rayna had made a decision to marry Teddy and obviously it was related to her giving her child a steady home. The real question was why had she never told Deacon the truth.
"Well, she says something about the reason he wouldn't have ever guessed Maddie was his was because he couldn't remember it. Which I assume means they were together and he, what, has no recall?" He laughed a little. "I've never been an alcoholic, so I don't know. Can you get drunk enough that you don't remember doing stuff?"
She smiled. "Have you ever gotten drunk enough that you passed out?" He gave her an inquisitive look and she laughed. "I've never done that, but I know it happens. I've heard about it. I just don't know if it wipes your memory clean."
He chuckled and then shrugged. "I guess we just have to assume that something happened to make him forget some time they were together at the end of the relationship. And then she found Teddy pretty fast."
She tapped his knee. "What's the rationale around keeping it a secret? Deacon's been sober for, what, 13, 14 years? Somewhere along the way, couldn't she have told him?"
"Well, let's think about it. She gets pregnant. Deacon's the father, but he's a drunk. She decides to marry someone else so Maddie has this better life. If she comes clean later, then you've got a country music star who's admitting she covered up her daughter's paternity. Could be a career killer, wouldn't you think?"
She thought about that. "Yeah, you could be right. I don't know what the morals were back then. I know that there were Christian artists who were vilified for having affairs, but I don't know if country music was that moralistic."
"I think they probably were back in the 90's. At least to some degree. I guess I'm thinking that she's a star and she'd have to admit to something very calculated and, as it happens, hurtful to the person who was lied to."
"But did she really lie? Deacon never asked her if Maddie was his, I'm assuming. Never considered it, it doesn't sound like. She covered it up and never told him, that part is true." She tapped her finger over her mouth. "I wonder if she was ever going to tell him. Would she just have let everyone believe Maddie was Teddy's? For the rest of her life?"
"I don't know. I guess she'd gone this far. We'd have to assume she'd go as long as she could. Except, of course, they're in a relationship. Again. And that's a big cross to bear."
She nodded. "True. No wonder Teddy and Tandy were so concerned about that. How could you really have a relationship with that kind of secret between you. It would be like a betrayal. I would guess Teddy and Tandy were right to be concerned. Rayna wouldn't have wanted to be in that situation." She hesitated. "I know we don't know what happens going forward, but this could be something that might destroy them forever."
"Mm, I don't know. One thing I think about is how it would feel for him to find something out like this and know he was so screwed up that he couldn't even remember it. So maybe for a while. But does it kill a love like the one they apparently have? It would be hard, for sure, but maybe not?"
"She'd have to do a really good job of explaining her actions, don't you think? And it would always be there between them. He could throw it at her in the heat of an argument and she could throw the whole 'you don't remember' thing back at him." She sighed. "It's exhausting to think about." She put her script down on the coffee table. "And I'm exhausted talking about it." She smiled. "How about you taking me back to my bedroom and ravishing me?"
He grinned and tossed his script on the couch. He reached for her hand. "I do like the way you think," he said, as he pulled her off the couch and they hurried down the hall together.
She let him in and then wrapped her arms around him. "How was it?"
He stepped back. "You mean other than the fact that I almost killed Bob?"
"What?"
He shook his head and chuckled. "You know, you're in the moment and you don't realize your own strength. Or where your elbow is on his neck. But he's okay. We had to reshoot the scene, but luckily he didn't hold it against me."
She smirked. "You're not really Deacon, you know." She put her hands on his chest. "I'm guessing you're tired. I know I am."
He smiled. "If I get to sleep with you tonight and hold you in my arms all night long, then I think that's the cure."
"We can arrange that." She turned and headed down the hall, with him following behind her.
They undressed quickly and then met in the middle of the bed. He ran his hand up and down her arm and then pulled her closer. "I have missed you," he said.
She smiled. "It's just been a day," she teased. "But I've missed you too."
He put his hand on the small of her back and pulled her tight against him. A warm tingly feeling ran through her. He pressed his lips to hers and she opened her mouth, letting his tongue slide inside. She ran her arm around his waist, loving how he felt against her body, responding to his kiss. She could tell she was already wet and ready and she ached to feel him inside her. Actually even more than that, she wanted to feel him as he pushed inside her, waking up all the little bundles of nerves in her core, feeling them respond to that exquisite friction.
She slid her hand up his back and gripped his shoulder as she continued to kiss him, grinding herself against him. He flipped her onto her back then, still kissing her, settling between her legs, teasing her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, moving against him, letting him know she was ready. When he finally pushed inside her, she moaned down in her throat. He took things a little slower than she'd wanted, but she made herself match his rhythm, focusing on the individual sensations. The feel of his lips against hers, the taste of his mouth, the way his tongue felt against her own. His calloused fingers on her hips, his chest pressing against hers, and the way he moved inside her. Especially the way he moved inside her.
She felt her orgasm start to build and she made an effort to try to slow it down, but it exploded inside her, the waves of pleasure spreading throughout her body as she clung to him. He had let go of her mouth as she cried out. When she finally felt like she was coming back to earth, she opened her eyes and he was watching her. She remembered he'd told her once that he liked watching her and it gave her a warm feeling. Then he groaned and suddenly he squeezed his eyes shut and cried out 'oh, god!' and then, after a couple more thrusts, he breathed out and opened his eyes. She smiled and he smiled back. They lay there for a minute or so as he kissed her again and then finally he raised up and moved off of her onto his back.
She looked over at him as he breathed in and out heavily. Sometimes she wanted more, sometimes this was enough. That night this was enough.
She asked him to come by the day after the wrap party. She had not stayed long, because of Yoby, and she had wanted him to have a great last night with the rest of the cast. He'd called to tell her good night and she had kept the call short by telling him she'd been sleeping. The truth of the matter was that she'd laid awake most of the night thinking about how this needed to end.
They were both headed back to LA to wait to see if the show was renewed. He'd been vague about making a permanent move to Nashville. She knew that was the intention and she also knew he had at least had some mixed feelings about it. When she thought back, she realized they hadn't really had a firm conversation about what happened when the season ended. Specifically, what happened to them. In her mind she had seen it as an end point but she wasn't quite sure about Chip.
What do I say? Am I the one who says this has to be over? Can we do this and stay friends and coworkers? She wanted it to be a civil, adult conversation, where they could acknowledge their feelings and appreciation for the closeness they'd had, but agree that the right thing to do was to go back and pick up their lives as they had existed pre-Nashville. She felt sure it would not be easy, but the time apart would give them both the opportunity to kind of reset themselves before coming back, hopefully, in July.
It was going to break her heart. She'd known that from the beginning and yet she'd allowed it to keep happening. When she thought back on their pattern, it always seemed to happen when there was some significant event in the lives of their characters. The dream, the elevator kiss, the 'I love you' speech on the porch. The intimacy of those scenes had blurred the lines with their real lives and it had always felt like it was some sort of grand plan of the universe that would bring them back into that space. The space where they loved each other and needed to be together and pretended nothing else in the world mattered.
It was wrong. She knew that. Every single time, she knew it. She had known it every time she'd read one of those scenes. There had been that inevitability though. And, she had to admit, she'd wanted it. Every single time.
When the knock came at the door, she took a deep breath. Then another. Her head hurt from the lack of sleep. She knew she looked as bad as she felt. When she opened the door, she felt weak instead of strong. She smiled as he walked in and then let him wrap her up in his arms and kiss her. She wondered if it would be their last. She savored it though, in case it was.
"Hey," she said, when he let her go.
"Hey." She saw a tiredness around his eyes and wondered if he'd had a tough night.
"How was the rest of the party?" She headed for the den and he followed.
"Good. It was good. Then a bunch of us hit Broadway until they basically shut down." She sat on the couch and he sat down beside her. He chuckled. "I am definitely not as young as I used to be though."
"That's one reason I didn't stay." She hesitated. "So when do you head back home?"
"Tomorrow. You?"
She nodded. "Same." She smiled again. "It's sort of bittersweet, you know?" He nodded. "I wonder if we'll be back. I think we will. I hope we will. But the unsettled feeling, well, that's what's happening." She took his hand. "What do you have planned for the summer?"
He shrugged. "We have a family trip to the Outer Banks every year. So there's that. Ideally I'd be coming back here from that. Right now the kids are still in school and there's soccer and track and that kind of thing." He looked at her then. "What about you?"
"Well, I'm doing a movie. Small role but great cast. I'll be in New York the latter part of May, so looking forward to that. I'll probably do some traveling, maybe go to Mexico with my girlfriends. So, that kind of thing." They were dancing around it. She decided she needed to just ask. "So I know you'd said if the show is picked up, you'd probably move here. Is that still your plan?"
There was a long pause. He didn't look at her. "Seems that way."
She sighed. She wasn't going to force him to walk through every detail, since it seemed he wasn't going to give much detailed information on his own. "Well, I'm sure that will be nice for your family, to all be together all the time."
"It doesn't have to change things," he said, looking at her then. She knew what he meant.
"Actually, it does, Chip. You know that. You've always known that." She sighed. "There's no way we can..."
He looked at her angrily as he interrupted her. "Because you decided that?" he asked, raising his voice a little.
She frowned. "I didn't decide anything. I'm trying to be realistic. And pragmatic. And you knew this would happen."
"You know, I did this the way you wanted. It was always the way you wanted. But you wanted us too. You can't tell me that's not true." She couldn't think of how to answer him. "I didn't do this on my own, Connie."
"What are you asking though? Are you saying you want to keep having an affair, even after your family is here? What does that mean for me?"
For a moment, he looked like he wanted to cry, but he breathed in and got himself under control. "I love you. I've told you that all along. I want to figure this out. With you. I sort of had the impression that's what you wanted too."
"I don't think I said that."
He stood up then. "You were all in every single time, Connie. And I know we talked about what could happen, but then you came back. Every single time. What did that mean to you?"
She didn't have a good answer for that. "I guess, I don't know." She stood up as well. "There were feelings. I never said there weren't."
He opened his eyes wide. "You told me you loved me."
Now she wanted to cry. "I did. I do. But if you're bringing your family here, this is impossible. Don't you see that?"
"I'll go home, tell her I want a divorce. If that's what you want, I'll do it."
"I'm not telling you to do that, Chip. I'm not going to give you an ultimatum."
"Then what are you telling me to do?"
"Figure things out. Go home and really be thoughtful about it. You have a wife. And a family. And that's significant. I think you should go back and work on that. See if you can get back what you had."
"What if I don't want to do that?"
"I think you should."
He stood there, his hands on his hips, obviously fuming. He breathed in deeply, then let it out. He looked at her then and she could see the anger and hurt in his eyes. "I wish you'd just said no to begin with," he said, his voice low. "But you didn't. You said yes. And then you kept saying yes. I know you'd say no for a while, but it never lasted. You invited me into your life, Connie. I stayed here like I lived here. You let me think there was something, that we could be something, at the end of this. You did and you can't say you didn't."
"Chip, I..."
He held his hand up and shook his head. "You can't spin it, Connie. You know that, deep down inside. But I'll do what you asked. I'll go home and work on putting it all back together, at least for me. And I'll spend the time trying to forget that you wanted me, just as much as I wanted you." He paused, clenching his jaw. "You wanted more and you can't tell me that's not true. You don't have to admit it to me, because I know the truth. Just admit it to yourself, so that at least we can find a path out of this."
She wanted to say something, but she could see something in his face, in his eyes, that told her not to. "Okay," she said finally. Then she watched as he turned and walked out the door.
She felt the tears rolling down her cheeks. She wanted to deny what he'd said, but he was right. She'd wanted more. She had to acknowledge that. It didn't matter that she knew she couldn't have it. She'd wanted it anyway. She'd have the whole summer to think about it though, about how they put this back together so they could work together as a team. She believed they could, but they would both need to be committed to it.
Maybe the summer apart is just what we need.