A/N: I wanted to let you know that starting with this chapter, I'm going to change up the Bristen timeline and story. Since it's AU, it can be anything, but this is kind of what I would like to have seen and what feels like a more natural order of things in the relationship. So hang on – hope you enjoy!
She came back to Nashville the week before they would start filming. She'd read the script, although there would be a revised copy they would get a couple days beforehand. It made her nervous, for several reasons. There were several flashbacks that were presented as Rayna's memories while she was in a coma. Several that were good times between Deacon and Rayna. One that was a lovemaking scene. Not only did the scenes themselves make her nervous, but she wasn't sure she and Chip could portray younger versions of their characters, especially in their 20's.
She had not heard from Chip at all during the break. In some ways that felt sad, but it was for the best. She knew that. She felt anxious thinking about seeing him again, wondering what that would be like. She heard her phone buzz and went to pick it up. It was a text from Chip, as though he knew she was thinking about him.
Hey there. You back in town yet?
She hesitated, running through all the meanings that could have, and how she should respond. I am. That seemed neutral enough. She watched the bubbles.
Hope you had a good break. Look forward to seeing you at table read.
She felt both a sense of relief and a pang of sadness. You too. She waited but there was no further message. She sighed and put her phone away. It was what she'd told him she wanted though. She knew she couldn't have it both ways.
She was getting coffee when there was a tap on her shoulder. She turned around and saw that it was Chip, a big smile on his face. She set her cup down and without really thinking about it, reached out to hug him. He hugged her back. When they both stepped back, she was surprised that she didn't feel any weirdness. "Hey, there," she said. She laughed. "You look like you've been at the beach."
He nodded. "I have. I'm hoping it fades out before we start shooting. I think it would look odd if Deacon had a tan in jail."
"Yes, unless, of course, they have tanning beds in jail."
"Probably not." He looked her over, but not in a weird way. "It's good to see you." He paused. "I missed you." She started to say something, but he interrupted her. "The appropriate way."
She smiled a little. "I'm glad to see you again. It's good to get back."
"So...you want to grab some time to talk about what we're doing?"
"You mean, about Rayna in a coma?" She rolled her eyes.
He smiled. "I take it you're not a fan of that storyline?"
She shook her head. "Um, no."
"Well, I was actually thinking about those flashback scenes."
"Yeah, I was thinking about those myself. I'm surprised they think we can play a much younger Rayna and Deacon." She knew she was moving her eyes away from him and then back, but she had a hard time thinking about doing that. Those were scenes that, in the past, would have put them back on the wrong track.
"I, uh, I just wanted to let you know that it'll be okay." She looked at him then. "You don't have to worry." He cleared his throat. "Maybe, at some point, we can just sit and talk. Clear the air."
She nodded. "I think that would be great." She turned towards the coffee and smiled a little. "I'm pretty sure my coffee is now cold, so let me get another cup before we start."
"Yeah, sure. Me too."
She got more coffee and headed for her seat. She watched him as he picked up some food and then averted her eyes when he turned back and walked to his own seat. It felt like he'd taken her advice and worked on things during the break, really thought about the implications of breaking up his family. She sighed. I'm not over him. Not even close. This is going to be tough.
Wanna talk? She picked up her phone and stared at his text. Again. He'd texted nearly a half hour earlier. She didn't want to seem too eager or like she'd just been sitting around waiting to hear from him. She also wasn't exactly sure how to answer, although it really didn't need to be that complicated. Finally she picked up her phone.
Sure. When? Where?
Today? Before things start up? Clearly he was waiting to hear from her. That gave her butterflies to even think about.
Okay. Where?
I know a place that's sort of off the beaten track. Private. She waited and he followed it up with some directions. It was south of her and she wondered if it was near where he probably lived.
See you in an hour? Her hands were shaking a little bit and it took a second to get the text out. He sent her a thumbs up and then she sat, just staring at the message. She had no idea what to expect. She felt nervous, anxious. She took a deep breath. Here we go.
It was a hot day and the air was heavy. There wasn't much of a breeze and what there was didn't really stir the air up at all. The sky was blue and the sun bright. They were calling for thunderstorms that day, but it would be later in the afternoon. She had changed clothes it felt like a hundred times. She didn't want to be too provocative but it was 90 degrees so it wasn't like she could wear jeans and a sweatshirt. She had finally settled on a sleeveless top, shorts and sandals. She added a hat before she left the house with Yoby.
She found the place pretty easily and parked at the head of a trail. The trail wound its way through a canopy of trees that cut the hot sun and made the air feel a little more tolerable. She carried Yoby on her hip as she walked down the dirt path. Just about when she started wondering how much further she'd have to walk, the trail ended at a bend in a creek or river, she wasn't sure which. It looked peaceful, with the sound of the water flowing by and the dappled sun coming through the thick overhang of trees. Chip was standing at the edge of the water and turned when he heard her.
He smiled and Yoby struggled to get down. "Chip! Chip!" he yelled. She set him down on the ground and watched as he ran to Chip, who picked him up.
"Hey there, buddy," he said, glancing at her with a smile before he refocused on her son. "I'm glad your mom brought you." She watched as Yoby hugged him and then wriggled in his arms. Chip set him down and he ran back to her. She had brought a tote bag with her and pulled a couple of his dinosaurs out, handing them to him. He sat down right there and was quickly engaged in dinosaur play.
She looked back at Chip and smiled. "Hi," she said. He looked good. He was wearing a t-shirt, shorts and some running shoes.
"Hey," he said. She couldn't seem to move her feet and was glad he walked over and reached out for a hug. It felt good to be in his arms, even if it was just for a few seconds. He stepped back and waved his arm around. "Not really anywhere good to sit, so is the ground okay?"
She nodded. "Sure." They sat next to each other, keeping Yoby in view. They sat for a while, not talking. The only sounds were the lapping of the water, birds chirping, Yoby's chatter to himself. She felt a bead of sweat roll down between her breasts and her top seemed to stick to her back. She wondered if he was going to say anything or if she needed to start. Finally she decided she needed to break the silence between them. "So, have you thought about those flashbacks anymore?"
He didn't answer right away. He kept looking out over the water. Then he rubbed his face with his hands and turned to look at her. "Yeah, I have. But I don't want to talk about that right now." That made her feel nervous and she looked away. "I have a plan."
She looked back at him and frowned. "What?"
"I did what you said. I went back to LA and did a lot of thinking. Tried to separate out before and after, what was best for everybody. That kind of thing." He sighed. "This job means everything to me. It's like the most perfect job. If I could have written my own script, I don't know if I could have ever dreamed it would be this. So that matters to me. Doing this, doing it well. More than anything else, when I got this job, I was excited about working with you." She looked off to the side. "I'm still excited about working with you. I absolutely won't do anything that screws that up" – he let out a short laugh – "even though it doesn't seem like Deacon and Rayna will be in each other's world for now. I need you to know that." She looked back at him and could see the sincerity in his eyes.
"I'm glad," she said. "I feel the same way."
"As far as the rest of it goes, I did what you said. I thought about it. I considered what the right answer would be. And, as you know, the thought was that the whole family would move here if we got a second season. The kids were supportive, even though this was disrupting them and all they knew. They had mixed feelings for sure, but they're good kids and were excited I had this chance. I actually proposed not doing anything drastic, not changing anything, but that didn't really fly. Patty, uh, she pushed hard to buy a place and make a permanent move but ultimately I made a case for renting. For a year. Picking up and moving across the country like this is a big deal. For everyone." He rubbed his hand over his face. "To be honest, a lot of it was selfish. I didn't want to start out with setting down roots, you know. Because doing that makes it more permanent. It's making a commitment. And for now, I'm not ready to plant those roots."
"But I thought you loved Nashville. Felt like it was home for you."
"For me, yeah." He breathed in and then looked at her very intently. "I still love you, Connie." She looked away, afraid that her emotions would show. "That was something that was very clear to me. I respect your feelings and I respect that maybe we aren't both at the same place in our thinking about that right now. I wanted to just tell her, you know? But with how we left things, I knew I needed to have a plan."
"So what's your plan?"
"I want you to give me some time to figure out how to do this. How to make the break without blowing everything up."
She sighed. "That doesn't sound like a plan, Chip. It sounds like you're winging it."
He clenched his jaw and didn't say anything at first. He breathed in deeply and then slowly let it out. "I'll give you the short story then. I'll get a divorce and then I guess we'll see if you're still in." He looked at her. "Is that what you wanted?"
She looked away so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. "You make it sound simple."
"It's not simple, Connie. That's the point. That's the end game. How I get there has to be a little fluid. But the first step was to not make a permanent move. They're here because, truthfully, there's not a good reason for them not to be right now. Plus it gives me some time to do it the right way. I guess the question is, are you willing to wait a little bit?"
She wiped the tears away and turned to look at him. "I don't know what that means. I feel like I have to, you know, live my life. Not just sit around and wait. Do nothing." He reached out and ran his thumb under her eyes.
"I'm not gonna ask you to do nothing. I just would like, would hope, for you not to make any...permanent changes. For now."
She thought about what he was asking, that she essentially put her life on hold while he worked out whatever changes he thought he would make. She wasn't sure how fair that was or how reasonable. "All I can do, I think, is just play things by ear. I don't want to carry on some clandestine relationship. You need to do what you think is best for you and your future and act on it. When that happens, we see where we are. I think it has to be that way. For both of us." She felt sure that wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear, but she didn't want to say that they could continue having an intimate relationship while he figured out how he was going to get to what he called his end game.
After a moment, he nodded, and then he surprised her. "That's fair. I don't love it, but I love you." He trailed his hand down her arm. "Just know that." He smiled. "We can do this. I promise not to make things squirrely on set. We can be complete professionals. Although, to your point, I think it might be a while before there's anything that would prompt us to do otherwise." He stood up then and held his hand out to her. "Okay?"
She took his hand and let him pull her up. "Okay." She considered what to say next. "I appreciate you explaining where things stand for you. I don't mean to make it sound like I think it should be an easy process, so I understand it's more complicated than just giving a 1-2-3 point plan. I just hope you understand that I don't want to rush into anything." He was still holding her hand. She wanted to pull it away, but she didn't want it to be awkward.
"I do," he said. He leaned towards her and kissed her on the forehead. She closed her eyes as he pressed his lips against her skin and let them linger for just a second or two too long. Then he stepped back and dropped her hand.
She turned towards Yoby. "Yoby, we need to get going. You want to say goodbye to Chip?"
"Yes!" Yoby shouted, dropping the dinosaurs, and running to Chip. She walked over and picked up the toys, placing them in her tote. When she turned back, Chip was holding Yoby and she felt her breath catch in her throat. It seemed so natural to see him with her son. He handed Yoby to her.
"Thanks," she said and smiled. "I'll see you in a couple days, I guess."
"Yep," he said, smiling as well.
She looked at him for one last moment, then turned and headed back up the path. She didn't have to look over her shoulder to know he was watching her. She didn't want to hope, but she couldn't help it. Time will tell, I guess.
He was true to his word and the flashback scenes went without a hitch. It didn't mean that there weren't flashes of wistfulness, but she stood firm and he respected that. As shooting progressed, scenes for the two of them were few and far between and she found she really missed spending time together. In the 5th episode, there was a scene that was pretty significant in terms of where their characters were at that time. They both agreed it spoke to the underlying relationship Rayna and Deacon had.
"So what do you think about this?" he asked, when they got together to talk through the scene.
"I think he feels responsible and, if he's caused her to lose her livelihood, he needs to own it. Something like that. Do you agree?" She looked at him, interested in hearing his thoughts.
"I think that's part of it, but there's more. They're family. Deep down inside, they're family, and I think no matter what's going on in the moment, that's always gonna be true."
She sat back, letting that percolate in her brain. "I hadn't really thought about that. I figured he felt guilty and, if it was true, he could just add it to the burden of disappointing her that he carries around like a cross on his back."
He smiled. "Well, I'm sure he does do that. I think part of it is all the making amends stuff. I don't think she wants to hear it put in those terms, but he's responsible for them being in that truck together and, while he was relieved she was okay and she seemed to be back to normal, now he knows that may not actually be true after all."
"Yeah, you're right. I think it's interesting, though, that she didn't really want to tell him at first. The only person she's talked to about it is her mom and it is her identity in so many ways. And he's part of that. But I think she also knows she can share that with him."
"That family thing." He rubbed his thumbs over the script as he held it. "And she showed compassion too. I feel like they know things aren't the same, won't be the same between them, maybe not for a good long while. But they can't help caring about the other one."
She nodded. "It's probably ingrained in their sub-conscious. They're always connected." She smiled. "You got me to look at this a different way." She lightly swatted his arm. "You're getting really good at this," she said, laughing.
He smirked. "Learned from the best."
She was glad they were finding their way back to being comfortable with each other, without all the subtext. She still missed him, maybe would for a long time, but she didn't want him not to really consider what he wanted. Family was important. She had so little of it and she knew how precious that was.
It was CMA week and she and Chip had been asked to present an award. She was excited about doing it and getting a chance to dress up. They had rehearsed what they would say and she felt ready. When they met up before giving the award, he put his hand on her back and leaned into her ear. "You look beautiful."
She looked at him and smiled. "You look handsome." His hand still lingered on her back and she wanted it to stay there. She thought about a conversation they'd had while filming the steeplechase scenes. They didn't really have a lot of contact, as Rayna and Deacon were still essentially maintaining their own lanes. She had a shot where she, as Rayna, looked over at Deacon and his new girlfriend. It wasn't hard to tap into a personal space for that.
They were taking a break between scenes and she had walked over to one of the tables set up under the tent. "Hey there." She heard his voice behind her and turned.
She smiled. "Hey yourself." She reached out and tugged a little at his jacket lapel. "This really doesn't look like something Deacon would wear. Actually this whole thing doesn't seem like something Deacon would even attend."
He shrugged. "I guess it's the girlfriend. Taking him out of his comfort zone." He chuckled.
"I wonder how long that will last."
He made a face. "I can't believe it'll last a lot longer. She's kind of not part of his world." He looked around, as though he was making sure he couldn't be heard. Then he leaned a little closer. "Don't tell her though. I think she still enjoys the slumming."
She laughed. "Deacon always seems a little out of his element with these women."
"Well, whether he wants to admit it or not, he's always comparing them to Rayna."
"I suppose you're right." She smiled. "I feel like I hardly see you."
His eyes got a sad look to them. "Yeah, I know. That's got to change though, right? When he starts actually being a father, we'll have more scenes together."
She nodded. "I hope so. I've missed...it." She'd almost said 'you' but stopped herself in time. Just then someone called out that it was time for another take.
He leaned in a little closer. "You look beautiful. I just wanted to tell you that." Before she had a chance to respond, he turned and headed for the other side of the tent. She felt rooted to her spot and a little off balance emotionally. The look in his eyes had made her feel a little weak in the knees. Yes, they were doing a good job of pulling back to just a friendship, but she missed him. And she could see in his eyes that he missed her too.
She'd seen a photo of him and his wife at some event. It was the typical couple shot, but she found herself looking at body language and expression, more than she would have normally. They were standing next to each other, but not really turned towards each other. She focused on Chip's face first. The smile didn't seem natural, like a happy smile. And the smile didn't really reach his eyes. She knew that sometimes it could be annoying to have to keep smiling and looking good for the camera, but he always seemed so excited to be asked to go to an event or appear somewhere. When he was asked to perform – anywhere – he was always thrilled and she would always see the joy in his eyes. It was the same way he looked at her. But there was no joy in this picture. When she focused on his wife's face, she was a little surprised to see the same. The smile seemed rehearsed and her eyes didn't match it. It made her wonder.
She looked at him then and he looked at her and smiled. She could see the difference. His smile looked real, his eyes looked joyful. Someone came up to her then and handed her the envelope they would open to reveal the Female Vocalist of the Year award. They would have some onstage banter about whether Rayna was nominated and it would be fun. He leaned in again and his hand rested more firmly on her back. "I'm glad I get to do this with you. Have this time with you." She looked at him but didn't have time to respond, as they were being directed to go onstage.
She thought about it as soon as they'd announced the award and were listening to Miranda Lambert's acceptance speech. The fact that she wasn't seeing him often left her feeling kind of empty. No matter what had happened between them the previous season, they'd grown close and had really enjoyed being around each other. She felt like they were in sync on their characters which meant that the chemistry had a chance to be seen onscreen. But the few scenes they had gotten so far felt awkward and out of sync and she supposed that was because not only were they written that way, but it had been hard to land on motivations. The scene in Rayna's kitchen and the ones around Deacon finally taking steps to be a father to Maddie had given them the first real opportunities they'd had to work through all of it. She really did hope they would work together more as the season progressed.
Just then he took her elbow and led her towards the side stage and they walked off into the bowels of Bridgestone Arena. "I saw there was food back here," he said. "I'm sure it's mostly gone by now, but do you want to check?"
She hesitated. Her friend Joy would still be at their seats and she didn't have her phone to be able to text her. She looked at him. "Could I borrow your phone? To text Joy?" He nodded and pulled it out of the inside pocket of his jacket. He unlocked it and handed it to her. She got ready to type and then stopped. She laughed. "I don't know her number. It's in my phone. But thanks." She handed the phone back and their hands met. She felt a jolt inside and she could tell, from his face, he had too. I should probably go back to my seat. "Uh, I am hungry though, so maybe something quick?"
"Let's go." He pointed in the direction and then put his hand on her back to lead her in that direction.
When they got there, they found pizza. "I love pizza," she said with a conspiratorial grin. There was a fairly short line and she got one slice for him and another for herself. He'd been standing very close behind her, lightly touching her waist, and all her nerve endings were firing off. She turned and handed him his slice. He was standing very close and she bit the bottom of her lip. "Um, so..." she started. He took a step back and took the pizza from her and then led the way out of the room.
There were still lots of people in the hallways, so it was crowded. She followed him and stayed close. They got caught for a couple of photos and then finally he found a more secluded area. They knelt down behind a table and, even before either one of them could take a bite, there was another photo. Luckily it was just one and then they were alone, eating pizza. In between bites, he said, very quietly, "You really did look amazing tonight."
She smiled. "Thanks."
He looked like he was debating something in his head. finally he cleared his throat. "I know I'm not supposed to say this, but I really want to kiss you right now. I miss the hell out of you and I just need to say it out loud. This has been hard as hell...for me." He breathed in. "I just wanted to say it. I won't say it again. We'll just go back to what we've been doing."
She was taken aback. She hadn't expected that, especially in such a public place. All she could do was stare at him.
He finished his last bite and wiped his mouth. "You don't have to say anything. I just needed to say it."
"But I do want to say something." She paused. "It's been hard for me too. But I think it's been good for us to take some time to figure things out." She sighed. "I miss you too. Just so you know." She didn't really want to eat anymore and she put the rest of the pizza on the table. "I think we probably have been gone long enough." He nodded and they both stood up and headed back the way they had come so they could get back into the arena.
Just before they walked through the door, he turned and hugged her. She hugged him back, squeezing her eyes shut and biting her lip to keep from crying. She ran her hand up his back and then back down and then pulled back from his embrace. "I'll see you soon," he said, his eyes filled with sadness, much like she thought hers were too.
She smiled. "Okay," she whispered. She let him go through the door first and then waited 10 seconds before she followed.
She was leaving in two days to go home to LA for the holiday break. She'd been at war with herself for several days, trying to decide if she should reach out to Chip before she left. Her emotions, since the CMA's, had been thrown into disarray. It had been several days since they'd filmed their last scene together and they had not really talked at all about the upcoming break. Finally she decided to reach out. Can we get together before I leave for LA? She didn't know what his schedule was that day and when she might hear from him. She had to get to the set though, so she put her phone away.
When she got back to her phone later that afternoon, he'd responded. Call me. Too much for a text. She pushed to call and held the phone to her ear.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I was on set. Is this a bad time?"
"No, not at all. So, are you working tomorrow?"
"I am, in the morning. Olivia's going to stay with Yoby at the house."
"Perfect. I've got to be in the studio tomorrow, but I could stop by maybe mid-afternoon? I mean, if that's okay."
"That's fine. Why don't you call or text when you leave?"
"I'll do it. See you then."
She thought maybe it wasn't the best idea for him to come to her house, but there weren't a lot of options. People were always out and about and would be able to see them if one were to go to the other's trailer. They could meet relatively privately on set, but nothing was guaranteed. They were both too well known and recognized these days and it would raise antennas for them to be seen alone together in public. She shrugged. It was the only way.
It was after 4:00 the next day when he texted that he was on his way. When the knock came on the door, she felt all jumpy inside. She hesitated just before opening the door and then there he was. It was a chilly day and he had on a jacket. His shoulders were hunched up as though it was not heavy enough. She let him and then turned to him. "Cold outside?" she asked, with a smile.
He smirked. "More windy than cold, but cold enough." He put his hands on her arms, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek.
"Well, come on in. Yoby's going to be excited to see you."
He grinned. "I'm excited to see him too. It's been a while." That hung in the air for a moment and then she headed for the den.
"Look who it is, Yoby," she said. Her son jumped up, yelling Chip's name, and then barreled his way into Chip's arms. She smiled as she watched them interact with each other. Yoby was still young enough that the amount of time it had been since he'd seen someone wasn't as big a deal. She had other male friends who Yoby had bonded with and who had brought some maleness into his life and she was grateful for that. But he'd always seemed particularly attached to Chip, which she'd always found both endearing and a missed opportunity. Yoby was commanding all of Chip's attention with his toys and every now and then Chip would look over at her and smile. They were both sitting on the couch, as she watched Yoby talking to Chip, and she felt wistful. She had no idea if there would ever be a future for them or even when it would be. It seemed like there were so many unanswered questions and most of the action needed to happen on Chip's part.
As she'd come to know him better, she suspected that it wasn't an easy path for him. He had a lot invested in a marriage and a family. He also had a very strong need to please, which meant that he anguished a lot over hurting someone or causing them pain. She also knew it could be her he didn't want to hurt, which weighed on her.
Finally Yoby was ready to focus on his toys and Chip turned to her. "Hey," he said.
"Hey. I'm glad you could stop by."
"Well, I know I won't see you for a while." He grinned then. "Not that I've gotten to see you much since we started shooting the season."
She let out a little laugh. "True that. I wonder what's coming for Rayna and Deacon."
"Just my opinion, I think they'll wait a while until, or if, they put them back together. I think she'll just continue to try to protect herself against that."
She nodded. "You're probably right. Luke's going to be her new love interest and Megan is his and I guess we see where that takes them." She smiled, squeezing her hands between her knees. "I didn't call you to talk about the show though. I just really wanted to, uh, see you before I left town. Wish you a happy holiday season. See how, you know, things were going. Um, with having your family here with you instead of across the country."
He glanced away and then back at her. "It's been great to have the family here and be with the kids." He put his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face, then looked at her. "I want to tell her during the hiatus that I want to separate."
She hadn't expected him to say that and she was sure she looked surprised. "At the holidays?"
"Is there ever a good time to do that?"
"I guess not, but the holidays seem like a particularly bad time."
He frowned a little. "I guess I just thought it would give her some time to think about it. To mentally prepare to go back to LA."
"Do you think that's what she'd do?"
"Well, I just assume she would. Maybe not." He reached over then for her hands. "I don't want to put you in the middle. I don't want it to be a thing where that's a factor."
She understood but she was still concerned about the timing. "I appreciate that, but the holidays seem like a time when you wouldn't want there to be this dark cloud hanging over everything."
He looked annoyed. "Maybe," he conceded. "But pretty soon things will start gearing up for the kids, if they're staying another year or for her wanting to buy a house. Put down roots."
"Would you make a decision before renewal?"
"I wouldn't want to. But I also know that if I push back, she's going to want to know why. And I owe her that."
She nodded. "Yeah, I guess you do."
He slid a little closer to her and looked deep into her eyes. "Connie, I love you. As mixed up and crazy as all this is, when I met you I knew I was looking at the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Nothing's changed about that. I know it's hard and difficult – for both of us – and will continue to be. But it's worth it to me. And I don't want to wait forever."
She smiled. "I know. But please promise me not to make the holidays miserable for them." He looked disappointed. "I'll still be here." Then his face turned more hopeful.
"Okay, then. We'll do it your way," he said.
"Thank you." Then he leaned in and, putting one hand on the back of her neck, drew her into a kiss. His lips lingered on hers and she let them. He stopped, though, before things got too heated and she appreciated that. He stood, pulling her up with him, and they walked together to the door. He kissed her again, a gentle, sweet kiss.
"Have a great holiday," he said. "See you in January."
She smiled. "You too."
After he'd left, she closed the door and then leaned against it, thinking about what he'd said. She knew that, while he might have the best of intentions, anything could happen. She was determined to move forward with her life and see how things developed on that front. It was the only way she could think of so that she didn't count on something that might not happen the way he'd planned.
She was lying on one of the lounge chairs out at the pool. She felt relaxed. A shadow crossed over her and she opened her eyes to see Carla sit down on the lounge chair next to hers. She smiled at her friend. "Hey," she said.
"Hey, yourself. Thought you could use some company."
She reached over and patted Carla's arm. "Always." They were in Mexico, that week between Christmas and New Year's. She and Yoby would fly to LA on New Year's Day and then 2 days later would head back to Nashville.
"I could just stay here forever, you know?"
She laughed. "Yes, I do know. I kind of feel the same way."
"Are you ready to get back to Nashville?"
"Yes and no."
"Why no?"
She closed her eyes. "Because. You know." She had shared the conversation she and Chip had had prior to leaving for the hiatus. Carla had told her she'd told him the right thing except that she feared he was getting the wrong message.
"Couldn't you just have left at a 'have a nice holiday' text?" Carla asked.
"Maybe. But we're good friends and that seemed sort of casual."
"You may be good friends but you've also been lovers. Seems like having him stop by your house is just asking for trouble."
She frowned. "But it wasn't like that."
"What was it like then?"
She hesitated. She normally told Carla everything but this felt like something she didn't want to put out there in the universe. "You know. It was maybe a little bittersweet," she said.
Carla looked at her pointedly. "Did he throw you some kind of morsel?"
She sighed. "He told me he wanted to tell his wife he wanted to separate."
"Really? Seriously? And what did you say?"
"That he shouldn't. Especially not now. At the holidays."
Carla narrowed her eyes. "You haven't been seeing him, have you?"
"His family is living in Nashville. So no."
"I don't know, Connie. No, he shouldn't have that conversation at the holidays, but are you sure you didn't just give him permission to do it later?"
That was exactly what she'd done and she knew she was playing with fire. It was the piece she didn't want to share. "So is the no because you're afraid he's still going to want something? Or do something?"
She was silent for a moment. "It's no because it hurts every day," she said finally. "I'm trying to do the right thing, but it hurts. Not because he's trying to hurt me, but because this whole situation is just impossible. And yet we have to work together and do a good job, even when it's tough."
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I truly am." She sighed. "Have you thought about dating?"
She turned to look at her friend, shielding her eyes from the sun. "What?"
"Dating. I know you've told me before some of your friends there wanted to hook you up."
"Well, I have crazy hours and then, you know, I have a kid."
Carla laughed. "Single moms can date, you know." She shook her head. "Try it. Take them up on the offers. It could take your mind off...things."
She turned her head back and closed her eyes again. Maybe I should. Maybe that would be the best thing to do right now. It had been a long time since she'd had a date. She wasn't even sure she knew how to do that anymore. "Maybe," she said. "You could be right."
She tipped the driver of the car service for bringing her suitcases into the house, then shut the door behind him. She had Yoby on her hip. "We're back, Yobes," she said. "Are you glad to be back?"
"Yes!" he cried. She smiled at him, knowing he didn't really understand what that meant. He'd be turning 2 in a few days and she couldn't believe how much he'd changed. She walked through the house, just checking on everything, and then she went upstairs to Yoby's room.
"You think you might be ready for a nap?" she asked him.
"Yes!" she smiled. He said 'yes' a lot, which she supposed was better than 'no'. She really hoped he would go down for a nap so she could get the suitcases put away. There were boxes in various rooms that she'd had shipped from LA and she wanted to get started on those as well. She changed Yoby and then settled him in to the crib. She wondered if she needed to think about getting him a big boy bed.
"Are you sleepy?" she asked him. His eyes were already drooping, so she thought he was. Even though he'd slept a little on the plane, traveling was definitely tiring.
"Yes," he said, not as boisterous this time. He rolled onto his stomach and she pulled a blanket up over his back. It was a light blanket and she made a mental note to get one more appropriate for winter.
She rubbed Yoby's back. "I'll see you later, buddy," she said softly and then quietly left the room. She went back downstairs and pulled her suitcases back into her bedroom. She thought about taking a nap herself but decided not to. She walked back into the den and, picking up the mail that was on the table in the foyer, settled on the couch and looked through it. Most of it was junk mail, but she liked to clean things like that up as quickly as possible.
A knock came on the door then and she frowned. She wasn't expecting anyone. When she opened the door, it was the courier with the next episode's script. She was looking forward to seeing what was coming and eagerly went back to the couch and opened the envelope, pulling it out. Just For What I Am was the title of the episode and she flipped over the title page, found the first page of dialogue and then started skimming through the packet, folding down the edge of each page where she would have a scene.
When she went back and read through each of her scenes, she lingered over the 3 scenes she would have with Chip. Rayna and Deacon had come a ways from when she didn't want to ever talk to him again. The two of them having to come together because they were Maddie's parents seemed to have opened the door for them to start reconnecting. She suspected Rayna realized she wasn't in a place where she'd entertain having him in her life again as she had before the accident, but it made her wonder if that day would come at some point. When she really thought about it, she wanted the characters to be together in the end. There seemed to be a very deep love between the two of them that had allowed them to never truly disconnect from each other, no matter what life threw at them.
She looked forward to discussing things with Chip. She put the script down on the couch and sat back. She wondered how his holiday had gone. They had shared Merry Christmas texts but that was it. She hoped he had not tried to upend everything during the break. Which then led her back to what Carla had suggested – dating. It was true that several of her Nashville friends had talked to her about dating. She'd always used her long hours and Yoby as reasons she just couldn't entertain it, but the truth was that she'd essentially done it with Chip, just in private and completely behind closed doors. Chip slept in her bed night after night with Yoby right upstairs. It wasn't as impossible as she tried to make it seem.
She drew her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. The real obstacle was Chip. If she started dating, he would be hurt, she knew that. If she started dating, she wasn't sure she could entertain an intimate relationship with someone else, because she didn't think she was in that headspace yet. She didn't want Chip to feel like she was giving him an ultimatum or that she was turning her back on some kind of future for them. Every way she looked at it seemed to point to dating not really being the best idea, but she did feel like she should at least consider it.
She picked up her phone and called one of her local friends. "Hey, we're back in town," she said. "And I wanted to let you know that I'm open to a blind date." She listened and then laughed. "I have no clue how dating goes as a single mom, but I'm willing to find out."