As they walked into the foyer, she found herself not wanting to let him go. She went to the coat closet and got out his jacket. She draped it over her arm as she turned back to him. She had been a little bolder with him and suddenly felt a little like she may have opened herself up too much. She looked up at him, her hand absentmindedly almost caressing the jacket. "So, um...". She felt tongue-tied.
He smiled. "I hate to leave," he said. He put his hands around her face and kissed her on the forehead. He shook his head, a look of amusement on his face. "You really do amaze me, you know that?"
"I do?" she asked, finally finding her voice.
He nodded. "You do. Just when I think I've learned all I can from you, there's always more. At work, in life," – he gave her a cheeky smile – "and in bed."
"I hope you don't think I'm just like, um, a thrill seeker or something."
He laughed. "I was thinking adventurous. In the best of ways." He kissed her on the lips. "I loved seeing you like that," he said softly.
She smiled, feeling a little heat in her face. "I like...doing new things with you."
"Me too." He moved his hands down to her shoulders and turned more serious. "So I think I found an apartment."
That surprised her. "You've been looking already?"
"Yep. I told you she's trying to act like she's not hearing me. I'm sleeping in the downstairs guest suite, but I can't keep doing that. I thought I'd go ahead and get a new place lined up so I can just leave. I've got to let them know by tomorrow if I'm taking the place and I think I will."
"Where is it?"
"West End area. It's furnished, which works for me right now." He smiled. "Maybe you can come stay with me sometime."
"Well, that sounds nice, but apartments aren't that private, you know."
He breathed in, then nodded. "Yeah, you're right. But I can still come here, right?"
She smiled. "Oh, yes."
"It should be done by the end of the weekend."
"I hope it goes as smoothly as possible."
He breathed out. "Me too." He reached for his jacket, which she realized she was holding tightly against her. She held her arm out and he took the jacket and pulled it on. Then he pulled a ball cap out of one of the pockets and put it on, adjusting it so the bill was low over his face. She couldn't help but smile.
"I'll talk to you soon then?"
"Yep." He leaned in and kissed her. Then he pulled his sunglasses out of an inside pocket and put them on. "Love you."
She smiled. "Love you too." He kissed her one more time and then he left.
She needed to leave herself, but decided to give him a few minutes. She had surprised herself a little by inviting him over, knowing that she just wanted to get him in bed. Well, not completely true, since he was cranky and she wanted to help him as well. She was glad to hear that things were moving forward on an apartment and wondered how that would go. She would probably hold her breath a little until she knew he was actually moved in. But this was just the beginning. They had a long road ahead. She sighed and then she reached for her own jacket and headed for the back door to the garage so she could go pick up Yoby.
Over the next few days, since she and Chip weren't working together, she didn't see him or talk to him. They texted back and forth a little, but mostly just to check in. She didn't know if she should ask about the apartment or just wait for him to update her. She finally decided to wait, although the waiting was hard. She alternated between thinking he hadn't gone through with it after all to he'd been so busy at work he hadn't had a chance to fill her in. But as the days went on, it made her more and more nervous.
She heard from him late on Friday night. Yoby had gone to bed and she was sitting at her kitchen island doing research on several topics. She'd been going down rabbit holes all night, but was finding fascinating information. When her phone buzzed she got up to answer it. She glanced at the clock on the stove and saw that it was after 10. Then she saw it was Chip. "Hey," she said.
"Hey. Sorry to call you so late."
"Where are you?"
"Out in Portland."
"Oregon?"
He chuckled. "No, Tennessee. It's about an hour north of Nashville. Filming some scenes. Actually we're on our way back to the studio." He paused. "Anyway, I wanted to update you on some things, but was hoping I could stop by and do it in person."
Her mouth suddenly went dry. "Sure," she croaked out.
"Well, it means I won't get there until really late. You sure?"
She could not get the dryness out of her mouth. "It's okay."
"Okay then. I'll see you as soon as I can." Then he disconnected.
She sat there for a long time, wondering what his news was that he needed to do in person. The back of her throat felt like it did when she wanted to cry.
When he called to let her know he'd just pulled into her driveway, she had a headache from the worry and anxiety. Her stomach was tied up in a knot and all the worst case scenarios had played on a loop in her mind. She opened the door just as he took the last step to the front landing. He walked in and she closed the door behind him. When she turned to face him, he wrapped her up in his arms and kissed her hard. She felt a little of the anxiety begin to recede, but not much. When he pulled his lips from hers, he looked deep into her eyes. Even though it was dark in the house, she could see a little shimmer around his eyes and was certain he'd come to tell her he couldn't leave his family after all. She thought she'd prepared herself for that but realized in that moment that she had not.
"Let's go sit down," he said. As they walked into the den, the only light was from the fireplace. He turned to smile when he saw that. "This is nice. Let's sit in front of it." She nodded and they sat in front of one of the chairs next to the fireplace. He looped his arm around her shoulders and sat with one leg bent at the knee. She was sitting next to him, but she kept her hands in her lap. They sat silently for several minutes and then he sighed. "It's gonna be a little longer than I thought to move out," he said.
She closed her eyes as her heart sank. Then she opened them and looked up at him. "What happened?" she asked, surprised at how steady her voice sounded.
"When I talked to her, it was sort of like how I thought it would be. She didn't think it was necessary. She thought we should go to counseling and work through it. She thought it would be traumatic for the kids," he said.
"I can see that," she said. "Maybe that's the best thing to do."
He shook his head and she saw the deep frown on his face. "No, it's not." He shifted so he was turned more towards her. "I signed the lease." That surprised her. "But I do think it's probably best to not just spring it on the kids, so I agreed to stay a little longer so we can tell them and prep them. This weekend."
She swallowed. "So when you said a little longer..."
"Maybe move out sometime next week or the following week. I want to be able to answer their questions, listen to their feelings, acknowledge that it's painful."
"And she's in agreement on that?"
He shook his head, then barked out a sharp laugh. "Oh no. I think she's hoping that I'll change my mind, make a different choice. She's still convinced there's another woman." She looked up at him. "She doesn't get more specific than that, but based on how things went at the restaurant, I know that's where her mind's at." He kissed her on the forehead. "Which means we keep things quiet for now. But I don't want to lose you."
She looked at him, then leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. "Me either."
After a long silence, he said, "This is why I wanted to talk in person. I wanted to be able to explain things and be able to see your face, have you see mine. So you know I still want this. And I still want to see you – away from work – but we'll just have to be careful about that." She put her hand on his chest and could feel his heart beating. "You're worth it," he whispered, so softly that she barely heard him. She looked up at him and he kissed her – a soft, sweet, lingering kiss. Then he sighed. "I wish I could stay, but it's already late and I should get home." She nodded. They separated then and stood up. She took his hand and they walked to the foyer, then turned to face each other.
"I'll be here," she said. She tried to smile. "I love you."
"I love you too," he murmured, then kissed her. A long, passionate kiss that left her breathless when he pulled away. "I'll talk to you after the weekend. Let you know how it's going."
She nodded. She didn't know whether to say good luck or I hope it goes well or something like that. That felt too insensitive, too much like she was cheering him on to do probably the hardest thing he'd ever done to his family. "I'll be thinking about you," she said finally.
He gave her one more kiss. "We're gonna make this work. I promise. It's gonna take some time, but I think it'll be worth it in the end."
"Yeah, it will," she said, although she wondered.
And then he was gone.
She fell asleep almost as soon as the plane took off. She hadn't been able to do more than doze after Chip left and it felt like all she'd done was replay their conversation or dream about it. In her dreams it was like he'd vanished into a cloud of smoke and that had been unsettling. Her friend Ruthie had been thrilled to take Yoby, even though she didn't understand why.
"What's going on, Connie?" Ruthie asked, a troubled look on her face. "You look awful."
She made a face. "Thanks for that," she said, half serious and half not.
"Oh, I'm sorry, that came out so awful. You know I didn't mean it in a bad way."
She nodded. "I know. I'm just, I don't know, pretty worn down." She smiled then. "Thanks for taking Yoby at the last minute for me."
Ruthie smiled and hugged her. "Oh, no problem. I love your little guy." She looked confused again. "So, where are you going?"
"Austin. I still have a little house there and I just need some alone time, you know?"
Ruthie nodded. "Sure, I get it."
"I'll be back Monday." She handed her friend a piece of paper. "This has my return flight information, the address at the house, and the landline number, in case you need to reach me. I'm going to turn off my phone."
"I'm sure we'll be fine. And I hope whatever it is that's weighing you down works itself out for you while you're gone."
She smiled a little. "Me too."
She'd left her car at Ruthie's as well and called for an Uber ride to the airport. After she had gotten on the plane, she had turned off her phone and dropped it into her purse. She fastened her seatbelt and closed her eyes, not opening them again until she heard the announcement that they were making their final approach into Austin.
The nap on the plane had left her feeling refreshed, but by the time she'd driven the rental car to a grocery store for a few quick things and then pulled into the driveway of the Craftsman cottage she'd bought in a secluded gated community in Austin back when she was working on Friday Night Lights, the good buzz had worn off. After she'd put things in the fridge, she had gone back to her bedroom, crawled under the covers on the bed and fell asleep again. This time it had been sleep without dreams, just a blessed dark curtain drawn over her brain that allowed for some good, healing rest.
When she woke up, she was surprised it was dark out. She crawled out of bed and wandered into the kitchen. When she looked at the clock on the stove it showed that it was after 6:00. The time hadn't changed yet and it still got dark early. She sighed. She got a glass down from the cabinet and then went to the fridge to get the bottle of wine she'd bought. She poured herself a glass and walked slowly towards the den. She turned on the fireplace and then went over and picked up her purse. When she sat on the couch, she dug around for her phone and then remembered she'd turned it off. She dropped it back into her purse and put it on the coffee table. She sat back on the couch, pulling her legs up under her and took a sip of her wine and then another.
She put her elbow on the arm of the couch and rested her head on her fist, gazing into the flames. Watching the yellow and orange flames flicker was hypnotizing and she finally shook herself out of it, moving her eyes towards the French doors that led out to the back deck. She couldn't see anything out there between the darkness and the glow of the lights in the room. She took another sip of wine. She finally let herself think back over the conversation she and Chip had had the night before. She didn't have a lot of clarity around what she thought about it and what it meant, which was why she'd come to Austin. She wasn't sure Chip even knew she had the house, which made it the perfect place to come.
She needed time to think. Listening to him talk about all the complicated moves he would need to make and how truly uncertain everything was gave her pause. He was always so upbeat about things, so sure everything would work out the way it was supposed to. She had let herself go with that flow, but it wasn't going to be that simple. That she knew now. She felt reasonably sure that if it had all just been him and his wife, he could have made a move. But his kids were the wildcard. They were teenagers, but still young enough that all this discord between their parents could create additional complications. She felt like Chip might have had – might still have – unrealistic expectations about how they would react to his plan to move out. She guessed that it would be a surprise for them, much like it probably was a surprise to his wife.
She wasn't one of those women who found herself in a relationship with a man she didn't know was married. She had known it right away. She had known it when she'd let her heart make her decision that very first afternoon she knew him. She laughed out loud, hearing the irony in the sound. It had felt like there had been no choice, for either of them. It was that lightning in a bottle kind of thing. Love at first sight, except that he was the wrong man for that. He'd still had his wedding ring on that first time. And the second time. After that he was almost always careful not to do that, but it didn't matter. She'd let herself get tangled up in it anyway.
Every time she'd tried to create distance, hold him at arm's length, it had been a battle inside herself. They worked together so closely that it was difficult. They were friends, of course, but it had been hard. She would have loved to know how Rayna Jaymes had managed to keep herself away from Deacon, knowing she surely loved him in spite of marrying someone else. This was one of those things you couldn't really talk to anyone else about. How could she tell someone else that she was 'that woman', the woman who would take another woman's man? Carla had looked so disappointed in her and so that first time she'd pushed Chip away she'd told her friend, who had been relieved. And then never told her she'd lapsed.
It didn't matter what Chip said, that putting time and distance between his actions now and anything between them later would make it all work out. She would know. But when she thought about the alternatives – pushing him away, telling him she could no longer do this – she felt like she couldn't breathe. The fact that they'd had very few scenes together that season had helped, to a degree. It meant there was a physical distance and no reason to spend time together. There just weren't any easy answers or solutions. It seemed like she needed to let him go, but it was the one thing that truly broke her heart.
She wasn't sure exactly what she hoped would happen in Austin. She didn't have an agenda. She just hoped that by the time she flew home on Monday, she'd have some clarity.
When the plane landed in Nashville, she turned on her phone and waited. She had lots of texts and voice mails from people she would have expected – her agent, her friends, other representatives – but she also had a barrage of texts and missed calls and voice mails from Chip. His texts went from general 'what's going on' to 'where are you?' to 'CALL ME! I'm worried". She could only guess that the voice mails were more of the same. She sighed. Then she called Ruthie to let her know she'd landed and would be picking up Yoby as soon as she got an Uber ride. She knew her friend would want to talk. Ruthie was one of those people who always wanted to listen and support and be a helper. Bless her heart, with all that life's done to her, she's so selfless and caring. It was true. But this was stuff she was going to have to deal with on her own. She shoved her phone back in her purse, folded her hands over it and looked out the window as the plane taxied to the gate.
She'd worn a ballcap and sunglasses when she got off the plane. People in Nashville were generally considerate of others who were well-known and she was counting on that to keep them at bay. She could tell, as she walked through the terminal, that people recognized her. A few came up and asked for an autograph or a selfie, but she didn't linger. Since it was early afternoon the airport was less busy than it might have been, so it didn't slow her down much. She only had to wait a few minutes for her ride and then she was on her way.
As she sat in the car, she texted Chip. Hey. I wasn't in town over the weekend and turned my phone off. Sorry. She had no idea what his shooting schedule was, whether he was working or not. She wasn't sure when he would see the text or respond to it. But he called almost immediately.
"Hey," she said when she answered.
"Where were you?" he asked. He sounded frazzled and worried.
"I went to Austin. I just needed to get away for a couple days. And it was a good time to check on my place there."
"Please don't do that again. I mean, go off without letting me know. I was worried." He did sound worried. She pictured him with either his hand in his pocket or his hair as he paced. She couldn't help but smile. It was nice having someone worry about her.
"I'm sorry. Where are you today?"
"Work. Are you going straight home?"
"I have to pick up Yoby. He stayed with a friend of mine."
"Could I stop by when I'm finished?"
"Um, I don't know..."
"Just for a minute. To give you an update."
"You can do that now."
He was silent for a moment. She knew he hadn't disconnected because she could hear set noise in the background. "I've got to get back on set. I just wanted to call real quick."
"I'm kind of exhausted. Maybe..."
"Please?"
She hesitated. "What about calling me? It'll give me a chance to get Yoby settled." There was silence on his end. She knew that sometimes he got his nose out of joint when things didn't go quite his way, but she was hoping he wouldn't do that this time.
Instead, he sounded disappointed. "Sure. I can do that. I'll call you before I leave." For half a second she thought maybe she should let him come after all, but decided it was better to do it on a call. If he came by her defenses would be down and she wanted to be clearheaded when they talked.
"Thanks, Chip. I'll talk to you soon."
It was later than she'd thought it would be when he called. When she saw his name on her phone, she had a rush of feelings, all over the place. She felt conflicted. She'd been in her head so deeply over the weekend and now wasn't sure at all about where she should land. "Hey," she said when she picked up her phone.
"Hey." He was silent for a moment. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah."
"So why Austin?"
She sighed. "I just wanted to be alone. If I'd gone to LA, I might have felt compelled to let people know I was there and I just didn't want to do that, you know?"
"I guess." He paused. "I wanted to let you know we told the kids. Or more accurately, I told the kids."
"How did that go?"
"About the way you'd probably expect. Surprise, sadness, disappointment, lots of questions. I remember when my parents told my sister and me they were getting divorced, it was kind of the same. As kids you don't really know the reasons and maybe you miss the cues. At least as young as we were it was a surprise." He cleared his throat. "Patty didn't really contribute much. She told me it was my news to tell, since she's still fighting it. I think the only thing she really said was that they shouldn't worry, that things would work out. Some shit about counseling – which we're not doing, by the way – and not to worry."
One of the things she'd thought a lot about was whether trying to work through this with counseling or therapy or something would be helpful, but it also brought up her conflicting thoughts about her own feelings. "Well, maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing. As far as your kids are concerned, anyway. Have you thought about that? Just how to manage that with kids who are teenagers, closer to adulthood?"
"I hadn't. I guess I somehow thought we'd just play it by ear. But I don't think that would be her intent when it came to something like that."
"Probably not." He was silent for such a long time that she wondered if he'd hung up. "Chip?"
"Did you need time alone to figure out how to tell me..."
She knew what he was going to ask. "It really wasn't that. I just, you know, I just feel so...guilty. I thought back to how this all started and all these fits and starts and my heart and your heart and the future and what that would look like. I kept coming back around to the idea that your family was going to pay this huge price and lose what they had counted on and how I never, ever saw myself as being that woman. The one at the center of it all."
"Connie, I told you..."
"I know what you told me. But tell me the truth. If we had met that day for lunch and had that great conversation and started that getting to know you thing and then just went our separate ways, would you just have stayed where you were?"
"I don't know." His voice had that kind of questioning tone to it, as though it wasn't something he'd really considered. "I really don't. Maybe, if there hadn't been that spark, I don't know." She could almost see him shrugging. "But I told you already, we wouldn't have happened if I was happy and satisfied with where I was."
"I know. I still feel so guilty and unsure, about everything. I think about how stressful it would be to have to do things in the dark, you know? Be so discreet, for who knows how long."
"Is that what's bothering you?"
"Yes."
"So you don't want to break up with me? Give my class ring back?"
She couldn't help it. She laughed. She could tell he was scared as to what she might be thinking, feeling, planning, and yet he couldn't help but try to lighten the heaviness of the conversation. "No. But I wanted to be able to tell you how I was feeling. I really don't want you to resent me in the end, Chip. This won't be easy, I don't think. For any of us."
"I don't want you to leave me."
"I don't think I could even if I wanted to," she said, which was the truth. "I just hate to think about being the cause of someone else's pain. It's never the kind of person I thought I'd be. And now I have to consider that it might be inevitable and that's what makes me feel so guilty. It made me wonder if I should be the one to make the sacrifice."
Again he was silent. "I need to get going," he said, finally. "Can I please just stop by and hug you?"
Her eyes filled with tears. I should probably say no, but I'm not going to. "Yes."
She opened the front door and he slid in, closing it behind him. He took her in his arms, holding her close, his arms around her back. After a moment she wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning against his shoulder. She closed her eyes, squeezing them shut so she could hold back the tears. She could feel his breathing, hear his heartbeat. She breathed in deeply and let it out slowly, releasing some of the tension. His arms drifted up to her shoulders and then he pulled back a little. She looked up at him and their eyes locked.
She knew he was going to kiss her before he even made his move. At first his lips just pressed against hers. She found herself opening her mouth and he took the opportunity kiss her more fully, letting his tongue chase hers, then when he captured it, he sucked on it, moaning a little. One hand came up and cupped the back of her head as he continued to kiss her. She could feel the heat between them. Finally he pulled his mouth away and then gave her another kiss on the lips.
"I've gotta go," he said, his voice husky, his eyes dark. She just nodded. When she let him go, he turned and opened the door, letting himself out. He pulled the door shut as she gently pushed it from the other side. She leaned her forehead against the door, her hands pressed against the wood as she took several deep breaths. She heard a car start and then the sound of it driving away. She stood listening until she could no longer hear anything.
They were finally on set together – even in a scene together – but they had no onscreen interaction. Still, she thought she could settle for that. It meant being at work at the same time, which meant there were opportunities for them to talk. He caught up with her when they were taking a break.
"Hey," he said. They started walking around the back of the set.
She smiled. "Hey. You know, I keep trying to get myself in your orbit in this scene, but someone always stops me to chat." She laughed.
He grinned. "Likewise. Except I'm only circulating with a handful of people who just monopolize my time. And you know how that is."
She nodded. "I do." She looked around. "How's everything going for you?"
He looked away for a second and made a face. "Not great." He looked back at her. "She scheduled a counseling session with our pastor for Monday, when I'm off. I told her I'd go and talk about how to get the kids through this, but that's not her intention for this." He rubbed a hand over his mouth. "I want to try to get through this with as little hurt as possible, but she's making it hard. She even printed off some listings for houses and I had to be blunt and remind her we weren't gonna buy a house here, that it made no sense. She's looking for a reason, something she can hang her hat on, I guess."
"What do you mean?"
"In case she wants to contest it."
For some reason, she had never really thought about that. She knew divorce with kids was more complicated, but she assumed most divorces were handled relatively amicably. Obviously that wasn't always the case and there certainly were lots of stories in the celebrity world about contested divorces, but it surprised her. "Why would she want to do that?"
"It could be more advantageous to her. But what I think she really wants is for me to drop it." They walked silently for a bit. "I did go see a lawyer. To find out this works here. If she doesn't agree to it and we have to go to court, it could be a mess. And expensive." He breathed in. "I don't want to do that to the kids. I would hope she wouldn't either, but I don't know."
"So what are you going to do?"
"Nothing immediately. I'm holding onto the apartment for now. But I'm meeting with this attorney again in a couple weeks to talk about a strategy. And I guess I'll go to this counseling session." He stopped and she turned to face him. When he looked at her, she could see the mix of emotions in his eyes. She'd known him long enough to know he didn't like confrontation much and she wondered how he would handle this. "I don't want to hurt her. That's not the intent in all this. She's done nothing wrong. She's been a good partner for all these years. She's the mother of my children. Some things have changed over time, but I still care a lot about her."
"What are you hoping for then?"
"That maybe at some point she'll agree that it's not good for any of us to be unhappy, even for the kids. I don't want to put them in the middle and I really don't think she would want to either." He sighed. "I'm sorry. I guess I was just kidding myself that this would be easy."
"I think you knew it wouldn't be easy, Chip. I agree that you should try to get to a place where the two of you can mutually agree on this thing, rather than fight it out."
He screwed up his face. "I hate doing this to you though."
She nodded. "Me too."
"Will you give me some time to try to get this right?"
"I can. But just remember I don't want to be in the middle of it, so I feel like I need to step aside to some degree."
She saw him swallow and she knew he was trying to hold in his emotions. "Not too far, though," he whispered. "Please."
She wanted to cry. "I think we just need to do what we need to do. It'll work out, however that's supposed to be. And I'm always here, Chip. Even if it has to be as a friend." She raised a finger. "I need to go," she whispered, pointing back towards the set. He nodded, looking devastated. The same way she felt. She turned then and headed back the way they came.
She felt drained by the end of shooting. She'd had to push aside her personal feelings and focus on the work. Before too long she was back in sync. She was also glad she had an additional scene to shoot afterwards, so that Chip would already be gone when she left. After she'd changed back into her regular clothes and removed all the makeup from her face, she walked out to her trailer. Yoby was so excited to see her and she hugged him tight. Usually he didn't like for her to do that, but he didn't fight her this time. Maybe he knows I need a hug. It seemed like it was always one step forward, two steps back when it came to her and Chip. It was frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time.
The next time she saw him was during a stretch of concert-focused scenes. They would have a couple of different interactions and she really did want to talk about them with him beforehand. They had texted every day and had a few quick phone calls, but this would be the first concentrated amount of time they would have together. When she came on set that day, she saw him as she walked in. "Hey," she said, with a smile.
"Hey." He seemed glad to see her.
"I'm glad that we'll be working together, even if it's not a lot."
He nodded. "Me too."
"Do you want to...talk about our scenes?"
"Yeah, I would. Now?"
"If you've got time."
He smiled, a little sparkle in his eyes. "I've got time."
They walked together to the hallway spot where they usually met and both sat on the floor. She crossed her legs under her and he crossed on leg over the other at the ankles. She didn't say anything at first, just looked at him. He laughed a little. "Do I have something on my face?" he asked.
She laughed too. "No. I was wondering if you'd already gone to wardrobe or if you've just decided to start dressing like Deacon in your regular life."
He looked down at his shirt, then back at her. "Deacon has comfortable clothes," he said, with a chuckle.
She smiled. "Yeah, I guess he does at that." She looked down, then back at him. "I really just wanted to look at you," she said softly.
He leaned a little towards her. "I'd like to do more than just look at you." She kept looking at him, feeling suddenly a little sad. "I have some news."
"What?"
He looked around, then leaned closer and whispered. "I'm gonna be staying at the apartment during the week, most days."
"Really?"
He nodded. "Until the end of the season, I'll be at the house on the weekends. For the kids. We need to talk some more about this, but I've said no to buying a house, so that's taken care of. She needs to let me know if she's gonna want to keep the rental or not. I told her if she wanted to, I'd pay for it."
"How do you think that will go?"
He shrugged. "I can't really tell." He cleared his throat. "I did go to the counseling session, but it was kind of a disaster. I, uh, I'd like to tell you about it, but not here. Do you work all week?"
She shook her head. "I'm not working on Thursday. What about you?"
"I think I am, but I'll check. Maybe I could come by when I finish?" She nodded, feeling the heaviness of the air between them. He breathed in. "We should talk about these scenes," he said.
She smiled then. "Yeah, I think we should."
She felt content, lying in his arms in her bed. Her thoughts wandered as they just laid there together and she thought about a scene she had with Will Chase where they were in bed together, somewhat similarly to this and she had said something to him, as Rayna, that had surprised her a little. It had taken several takes before she could get through it without laughing. She wasn't completely sure why that was, but it had just struck her at the time as not being something Rayna would say. She must have made a noise because Chip looked down at her.
"Something funny?" he asked.
She looked up at him. "Kind of. It was just a line I had that sort of surprised me." She ran a finger down his chin. "It was 'I like being naked with you' or something like that and it felt funny to me for some reason. And now I realize that I would much rather say it to you."
He raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Yeah?"
She nodded and smiled. "I like being naked with you." He put his arm around her, turning a little towards her and kissed her, a soft, lingering kiss.
"I like being naked with you," he said softly. He kissed her again, with more passion, and then he was on top of her and inside her and she responded eagerly to him, running her hands up and down his back. This, of course, was not all there was to their relationship, but the level of intimacy she felt when she was with him was unlike anything else she'd ever experienced.
She arched her back and wrapped her legs around his back and then gasped as everything seemed to shatter around her. He moved his mouth to her shoulder and let out a muffled cry as she clung to him, moaning softly. Finally, she unwound her legs and buried her face in his neck, letting herself forget the outside world. Their little bubble was all she wanted.
After he left, she went to bed. She pulled the pillow he'd used into her arms as though it was one of Yoby's old stuffed animals. She breathed in deeply and could still smell him. He always smelled clean, one of the things she really liked about him. She didn't care for most men's cologne and was glad he didn't wear it. But there was still a scent he'd leave behind that reminded her of him, along with the musky note of sex in the background. She sighed as she clung to the pillow, thinking back on the conversation they'd had when he first got there.
She hadn't wanted to bring it up, so she was glad he kind of dived right into it. They were sitting on the couch and he had his arm around her while she leaned her head against his shoulder. "So we had this session that I thought was gonna be about the kids, but it was less about them and more about how she didn't want a divorce." He sighed. "And I felt like I was in a weird place too because how do you really explain why your feelings have changed? And that you don't expect them to change back?" He paused. "It's like I said before, she's done nothing wrong, so I can't say 'well, she did this or that' and it made everything fall apart. The feelings I had then aren't the same as now. There was a lot of talk around all these things we could do to figure out how to get back to how it was, but it just doesn't seem to me to be the right thing to do."
"What kind of things?"
"Marriage workshops. Special trips. Actively trying to get back to where we were in the beginning." He sighed. "It's really hard to say I just don't want that anymore. You know?"
"I can see where it would be. So, what did you say?"
"That I thought the purpose of what we were doing was to figure out how to help the kids navigate this." He sighed again. "I really hate being the bad guy, you know?"
She nodded. "I do."
"We're kind of at an impasse. She wants to keep doing this. I don't. I don't see the point."
She sat up and looked at him. "Are you sure that doing all those things won't turn this around?"
He frowned. "Is that what you want me to do?"
"No, that's not what I'm saying. I know I keep saying this, but I just don't want you to have any regrets."
He looked at her and then took a deep breath. "I'm gonna have some. About the kids mostly. But I have to think about whether it's better for them to live with parents who are just going through the motions or to have parents who can go in their own direction and be happier." He took her hand. "There's no perfect answer."
She thought about that. It was true, there was no perfect answer. She didn't want him to be unhappy or even just, as he put it, go through the motions. That didn't seem like the right answer for anybody. But it was all so very complicated. She was going to have to navigate all this very carefully. That was one thing she knew for sure.