[A/N: muahaha. who else didn't think there was a chance I would update this story before the weekend was up. but for real, thanks for sticking with this - I have a lot more to add and I would love to share it with y'all. Your enthusiasm helps! please let me know what you think!]

CHAPTER 12 aka An Intro Course to Gaslighting

James had scolded the beaters for letting the bludgers get out of control, but he couldn't be too mad when the commotion of the exploding Ravenclaw stand helped their team take Benjy Fenwick entirely by surprise.

The game moved on at a fast clip, but he swore again when he dropped the Quaffle. He just knew his teammates could tell - he was sloppy. Wasn't his fault, was it? He just couldn't help looking for her...

No, she's not here, you dolt. Focus on the match, he'd tell himself, training his sights back on his fellow chasers.

Still, he couldn't shake the haze.

Normally, he'd be watching eight different things going on during the game, but he felt particularly rattled.

He'd expected Lily to be in the Ravenclaw stands… she'd clearly been by the team's quarters before. He tried, for the sake of staying on his broom, not to think about what she would possibly be doing there before the game. His face darkened and he kicked off his Cleansweep to assist another chaser.

The only thing he should have been thinking about is how to wipe the smug look of Benjy Fenwick's face.

And yet… even that didn't help. When the game was over - Gryffindor having won handily - James was in a worse mood than ever.

Everything was going wrong.

Lily should have been in the stands today. Cheering for him. If she was going to sneak in to snog anyone before a game it should have been him!

He flew to the team's tent quickly after the final whistle, realizing he'd be unable to celebrate the victory with his teammates.

Later that evening, in the Gryffindor tower, he sulked about while accepting congratulations that felt truly unearned. Hell of a bloody Captain he was.. He could barely recall the match, even though Davies ended up with a fractured elbow and two different spectators on the Ravenclaw side had been sent to the Infirmary. James couldn't keep stock of any such goings-on.

He'd nod to the buzzing of the students around him and then get back to glowering.

The portrait door opened a crack and Sirius came in with Peter. James tried not to look disappointed.

"Alright, Prongsy?" the first boy asked, his arms laden with bottles of firewhiskey.

"What took you so long? I thought you were going to Hogsmeade, not London!" He said, reaching into Peter's pocket for the map. He wanted to see where in the bloody hell Evans was.

"We stopped off to check on our friend's badly behaved rabbit. Why, miss me?"

Sirius loomed in front of James, wiggling his eyebrows and trying to make his scowl go away.

"Leave me alone, Pads! Besides, you reek already! How much did you drink before coming here?"

"My arms were too full. Had to adjust," he said smartly, smiling at his friend.

"We drank some and left a bottle with Moony," Peter supplied.

The boys turned to the expectant crowd and met the cheers for Gryffindor with bottles of alcohol. They were toasting again when, at last, the portrait opened and Lily came in.

She seemed rattled, James thought. Maybe she had been avoiding him.

The redhead took in the room, looked around for someone, refusing to make eye contact with him. Fine, he thought coldly. And then Lily tugged someone into the common room. It was the bird that had been flitting around Remus so much, James saw: Matilda Vance.

Vance had tied a pretty maroon and crimson ribbon in her hair. If he didn't know better, he'd think she was supporting Gryffindor against her own House.

He was going to step forward and greet the girls when Sirius launched in: "Oy! No traitors allowed! Gryffindors only tonight, love!"

James laughed, knowing full well that pretty witches from all Houses would make their way into these parties, House loyalty be damned! Sometimes, even pretty wizards!

"Erm..sorry! I was just in to check on Remus! Do you know where he is? I was going to sit with him at the match. Good game, by the way!" The girl's face was full of pleading - she was trying so hard it made James cringe. Surely Moony would have told her he wasn't feeling up to the game instead of leaving the poor girl alone in the enemy's stands.

Peter popped up at Sirius's elbow - always happy to talk to a girl, even if it was just to give directions, James thought.

"Oh, Remus is in the infirma-"

"Sodoff, Peter! Listen, Ravenclaw, your little boyfriend would come see you if he wanted, wouldn't he?!" Sirius had drawn himself to his full height - which, granted, was not that intimidating for Remus and James. Still the girl seemed to shrink back from him.

"I… sorry…"

"No worries, y'wanna drink?" James said, stepping forward to put one arm around Sirius, winking at Lily. "Evans."

Matilda turned to Lily who just shrugged her shoulders, seeming to answer a different question than he had just posed.

Lily finally stepped to her side and asked him if he thought Remus knew he had plans with Matilda to watch the game.

James instinctively ran a hand along the back of his head, wincing a bit at the awkwardness of covering for Moony. It was one thing to lie to professors, it was a whole other thing to distract this girl when he had no clue if Moony had meant to meet her. The boy was loathe to share plans like that with them.

"Listen, he's-"

"He's bloody exhausted, so no," Sirius said sharply, before turning back to Vance. "Hmm, maybe think twice about how much you're bothering him next time?"

James pulled his friend back, whispering lowly to get him to back off. But the silver eyes that met him were full of challenge and mischief. "What? It's true! He's so tired right now he looks like death!"

James rolled his eyes. Moony always looked like death a day away from his transformation, and his friend was acting more than a little unhinged right now.

Lily stepped forward, blocking Matilda from Sirius.

"Why do you lot have to act like such privileged gits all the time?! Come on, Matilda. I'll walk you to your tower," Lily said more gently, guiding the sixth year girl out of the party.

Watching her leave with her shoulders stiff and guarded made James want to call out after her. To apologize? Or, God knows, ask forgiveness. Maybe not on his behalf, but Padfoot had definitely been rude.

He wanted to say… anything - just to make her stay, or at least not send her into the arms of Benjy Fenwick. He had a lot of intentions floating in his mind - the best intentions. But when he stepped forward, the only words that tumbled out of his mouth were slurred and scathing:

"Off to Ravenclaw? Perfect chance to snog other people's boyfriends, isnnit, Evans?"

Lily spun toward him, angry but beautiful as ever.

"You are such a prick, James Potter! You don't know the first thing you're talking about!"

James watched as Gryffindors drew back, creating a path for the fuming redhead, and he held his breath, expecting Lily to hex him all the way into the next week.

Matilda Vance grabbed on to Lily's wand arm and tugged the girl back however.

"Thank you for agreeing to walk me, Lily," she said softly, acting as if nobody else existed in the room as she tugged the girl toward the portrait hole.

A stodgy older singer continued to warble in the background, but none of the partygoers spoke. James could hear Vance clearly in the corridor: "Potter had no right to say that about you and Benjy. The whole school knows Ben broke up with Ultima Rosier already!"

Bollocks. James' face was heated. He certainly didn't want to hear anymore of those girls' conversation. He flicked his wand to close the portrait door and called for three more cheers for Gryffindor!

Drinking. Drinking would probably help?

XXXXXXXXXX

Lily was blushing furiously by the time she reached Ravenclaw Tower.

"Thanks again, Lily. Are you sure you don't want to wait for me to flag down Fenwick? Like I said… I'm sure he'd be happy to see you tonight."

Lily would have rather seen Alexei Carrow but she assured her that sh needed to return…

Walking back she thought of the bizarre conversation she had had with Vance. Matilda must have drank quite a bit a the party - it seemed so unlike her the way she had gone on.

And Lily couldn't help but think she had made a mistake. Their whole talk had escalated and she had shared wayyy too much. Perhaps she was the one that had drank too much in the Common Room, not Matilda.

"Didn't Fenwick ask you to the game to cheer him on?" the girl had prodded, nosily. "That's what I'd heard."

"Maybe in a way... " Lily was scarlet and warm, panicking . "I mean I knew he'd broken up with his girlfriend. But he.. Um.. asked me to help him unwind before his match?"

Matilda Vance didn't say anything. Her eyebrows rose high on her forehead.

"I mean, I said 'no,' of course.. But it was rather.. Forward of him, I think? No, you know it was quite rude actually," Lily prompted.

"Oh! But.. Dunno, Lily, that just doesn't sound like Benjy Fenwick, you know?" Vance shook her head warily.

"Sure, but just because it was out of character doesn't mean he didn't just do all of that…"

"No, but - I'm telling you! I know him well enough as a prefect and he has definitely talked about you. Maybe he was asking you to be with him more… directly, because he was nervous about where to start? I mean, you've been close for forever! And.. and he just broke up, didn't he!"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Maybe. But I am telling you the invitation seemed a lot more.. Matilda, haven't you ever gotten the feeling that some of the boys in this school just expect stuff from witches?"

They were already climbing toward the Ravenclaw common room, and Lily looked around to ensure no one could hear them.

"No - I mean, Remus is a perfect gentleman. And so are the rest of the prefects, Lily. You should just talk to Benjy, truly! I bet he can pop down when we get there."

"So he can give a lucky muggleborn thing like me the chance to wank him?"

"Wh-No -" Matilda sputtered pathetically. "Why would you say- to ask you out more like!"

"You think Benjy Fenwick is up in your tower waiting to ask me out?" Lily asked incredulously.

"Of course! You're pretty, smart, and everyone can see he enjoys being your friend! I saw you in the library yesterday, I think."

"I don't think that adds up to the same thing as wanting to go out with me... "

"Nonsense! Just because he's not so loud about how he feels as James Potter doesn't mean he doesn't like you."

"At least James has asked me out. More times than I can count, actually. But... I don't know, Matilda. I- I agree with you, Fenwick is really nice, and a pretty good friend. But I also think.. Maybe he would expect me to fawn over him without so much as a proper date because I'm not a.. Because I'm Muggleborn." Lily felt her face heat up again, matching the blush that Vance was sporting.

"Lily, none of us are like that in Ravenclaw. No- Nobody cares about that."

"Can you be sure that applies to everyone? Because I just-"

"Of course, I'm sure. And just so you know, I could have been asked to engage in… activities.. too. But, I have never heard of that happening because of someone's blood status, and can hardly fathom that it would occur with a Ravenclaw."

"Sweet Circe, of course not," Lily drawled sarcastically.

"Lily, you've just made up your mind about something, and it happens to be all wrong! Most wizards don't think like this. I'm telling you!" Matilda forced a laugh, pulling Lily along.

Lily shook her head, trying to snap out of the memory. It made her mad. Hiding in the library to miss the game. Having to tell off Benjy and having to validate that to others. Having to explain herself to James Potter. All of it! But mostly, she felt embarrassed for not insisting about her experience with Matilda Vance.

Granted, she didn't know Matilda that well, but if the quiet girl had opened up to her about a student harassing her, Lily was certain she would have offered to intervene. At the very least she would have believed her about the harassment.

But maybe this was Lily's fault. She had not mentioned Fenwick's invitation to anyone - even to Marlene or Hestia.

If it hadn't been important to Lily when it happened, why mention it anymore now? This was just going to create a lot of attention, Lily thought.

Her face still burned with shame as she came upon the sorriest sight in the night. A very drunk Sirius Black.

Sirius was leaning on a wall staring at the portrait of the Fat Lady, who was conspicuously out of frame.

"Did you scare off the Fat Lady, Black?" Lily groaned, trying to shake some confidence back into her own voice.

"How'ss the walk to Raavenclaw?"

He's entirely pissed from all that firewhiskey, isn't he, Lily thought.

Still. Somehow Sirius Black managed to sound cocky by slurring, and she was quite impressed with that. Not impressed enough to suffer his mood though.

"The walk to Ravenclaw? Is that what you want to ask me about?" she put her hands on her hips righteously.

Sirius looked down at an empty cup in his hands.

"How's thaat.. Vance?"

"You mean, how is Remus' girlfriend?" She didn't mind making him cringe a bit.

"Yeah.. Howie-she?"

Lily sat down on the ground next to him.

"She's fine. You should still apologize though."

"I mucked it up," he said, tipping the empty cup over.

"You did."

"I shouldn't've," he said, drawing in a strained breath.

"No," she agreed solemnly. But when the boy's face twitched into a smirk, she felt compelled to launch into a lecture. "Listen, Black. You cannot be like that to a witch just because she expresses interest in your best mates! Nobody deserves that."

"Hold on. I've been assweet as- as- as treacle tart to you!"

"Me?!" Lily's eyebrows rose. "I - no. You're not likely to distract me. For the record, you're very wrong about me! But James is so different from Remus. That boy's skin is as thick as a quaffle. But Remus-"

"He's different… Moony's.. Yeah," Sirius said, looking away from Lily.

Lily nudged him. "You were acting all daft tonight. I don't care if you won and were riding some Quidditch high! Merlin knows, you do that often enough. But you're being callous, and- and... highly unsupportive of Remus! Knowing you'll take the mickey out of any girl that smiles at him, how is he supposed to get close to anyone?"

She thought she saw something flash across the boy's face. Something like hurt or rejection. Before she could second guess herself, she reached out, touching his arm. "Sirius, do you.."

"-Yeah," the boy said softly. "Maybe."

Lily rubbed the boy's arm soothingly, not rushing to say anything. Black's questioning silver eyes found hers and she felt the need to say something. "Must be really hard navigating those feelings in your friendship."

Sirius's throat moved, as if more words were fighting to get out. Lily waited patiently, half-hoping the Fat Lady would stay away from her portrait.

The silence of the corridor felt thick as it settled between them.

"He's- he's still my brother. Practically."

Lily gave him an encouraging smile, though she knew it didn't reach her eyes. The boy before her was so crumpled and sorry compared to the confident blaggard she knew to be Sirius Black.

"Wu-what should I do?"

Lily dreaded this question. How could she possibly know what it was for this boy to navigate this. It wasn't like it was the same, for her and Benjy. She knew Benjy had had a girlfriend while she grew in friendship with him - but, no! This wasn't like that at all. Besides, Remus was Remus.

Lily hummed, still rubbing the boy's shoulder. "I reckon what you shouldn't do… is mock the poor girl that's showing interest in him. You- you can't sabotage that for him. It will never work out in your favor."

Sirius let out a long-suffering sigh, but agreed. "You won't mention anything, yeah? About Rem and-"

"I wouldn't," she said solemnly, putting a hand on his arm.

She kept on looking at him, watching his breathing even out. He trusted her and it made her feel really good to know that.

"So…" Sirius nudged her with his shoe. "You and Fenwick a thing now, yeah?"

Lily withdrew her hand, sending him a scowl.

"Whaat? You - you didn't sit with our house for the match!"

"I didn't sit at all!" Merlin, boys are exasperating, she thought.

"Thassnot what James said, he saw you at the tent-"

Lily groaned, pushing her face into her hands. "Ugh! Of course he diiiid."

"'Salright, Lilly, really. You could snog the whole castle an' James would still-"

"Sod off! I'm not snogging anyone, Black!"

"Alrigh-, touchy! Guess we're back to las' names," the boy conceded, putting his hands up. "Is juss that I dun particularly like mine, but iss alright."

Lily felt a pang of guilt, remembering James mention how haunted Sirius was about his family name.

"Sirius, nothing happened between me and Benjy Fenwick!" Her voice didn't sound her own by the end of her sentence. Something had happened. Benjy had happened. Something in her chest wanted to scream and she felt almost light-headed as she pushed away thoughts of her encounter with him.

Vance hadn't thought it was a big deal. The girl hadn't even believed her.

Still, Sirius Black seemed to be looking very carefully at her despite how utterly knackered he must have been.

"Dun sound like 'nuthin' to me."

Lily breathed deeply.

"Y'know. I think it sounds like it might be somethin. Why don't you tell your pal Padfoot?"

Lily breathed in. She met the boy's sad eyes and his encouraging smile - much like the look she'd given him moments ago.

And as she exhaled, her story poured out of her.

Sirius swore as she recalled what Benjy had said to him, but he let her go on - until she'd told him everything. The hiding, the way another girl had talked to her about it - she didn't tell him it was Matilda, though she figured he'd guess. All of it!"

"And I suppose I'm meant to be happy that some Quidditch-obsessed idiot wants to give me the time of day, aren't I?! And - I am not imagining it, Sirius! Benjy Fenwick bloody expected me to- to-"

Sirius nodded thoughtfully. "Total arse, he is."

Lily snorted.

"Merlin, Lily. He deserves to be called much worse!"

Lily's gaze sharpened. She tried to push past the stinging in her eyes.

"But really," Sirius said emphatically - having sobered up significantly throughout her story. "It's ignorant of that barmy friend of yours to talk up how a Ravenclaw wouldn't stoop to prejudices. I mean, has she ever looked around this bloody castle?! Everyone tries to take advantage unfairly when you're not born into the magical world. It's something even Dumbledore fails to acknowledge."

"Don't say that," Lily reddened.

"No, it's true! It took you having to stand up for every bloody muggle-born student to toss out a hateful professor. And I think you probably get put down way more for where you come from, in ways that you don't even bother sharing with- with friends."

"Thanks, Sirius."

It was all she said.

But she meant so much more. She was so relieved to have told someone. Shared her truth. And to have him listen and be outraged with her... The tightness in her chest released and she felt a little more safe in her version of events. The events that she had almost let Matilda convince her didn't happen.

Sirius shifted beside her.

"You know, James is going to kill him. This is a perfect excuse to hex him out of existence."

"Oh, no! He wouldn't!" Lily pushed her face into her hands again, although she felt herself smile.

"Course he would, he loathes Fenwick - maybe as much as Snivelus, even!"

Lily didn't raise her head but whipped out an arm to smack Sirius for what he called Severus. Even if she and Severus were far from friends, she was beyond over the name-calling.

"Ow! I just mean. If you think I'm mad, wait til I tell Prongs!"

"Wait, don't!" All laughter had died out of Lily. "Please. Swear it. You aren't going to tell him."

"But-"

"Sirius! I told you this in confidence," she added solemnly.

Sirius seemed less sure, but at last he agreed. "Fine. But I'm betraying my brother by promising to keep this secret."

Lily rolled her eyes. "What did you do to the Fat Lady?" The portrait still hadn't reappeared.

"I assure you nothing of the scandalous sort!" he replied, his hands raised in a picture of innocence.

"Ha. Well, from my recent experience, I can sympathize with her at least that gentlemen are hard to find." An edge of bitterness ringed in her tone.

"Oh c'mon. Don't lump me in with the likes of Fenwick! I just forgot the password and scared her off! He went and ruined a friendship cos he felt entitled to get his broomstick polished before a match."

"Which I hear he still lost," Lily added, her face heated.

Sirius' smile turned wolfish. "Serves him right for making his friends responsible for how randy he's getting."

Lily laughed, taking big gulping breaths. "Now- now wait a minute, he did, after all, make me an offer I couldn't refuse! To think, a 'real' wizard like him to want to kiss a third-rate witch like me!"

"Yes, doin' you a clear favor, the knob head," Sirius said, laughing sharply. "A real quid pro quo!"

"Quim pro quo," she blurted, her face breaking into a smile.

Sirius' howling laughter broke out throughout the castle. And Lily, who was genuinely smiling at last, felt more than a little proud of herself.