Eᴘɪsᴏᴅᴇs: Hᴀᴋᴇʟᴅᴀᴍᴀ
Storming through the halls of the Ark, I was unaware of where my feet were taking me as I struggled to contain the warring emotions in my chest. Pike's arrogant attempts to recruit me played over and over in my mind, causing seething anger to flood through my veins. The sense of betrayal that I had felt yesterday was only intensified by the confirmation that Trikru had indeed been attacked and I couldn't deny the sensation that I was a prisoner within our walls.
For some time, I had felt as if I did not belong amongst my own people. Despite growing up amongst them, our experiences had shaped each of us in different ways. Watching those around me gradually becoming poisoned by Pike's hateful rhetoric, I could no longer recognise this as my home. Life aboard the Ark had always presented challenges, but without the strict rules that had caused us to work as a single people, we were devolving into a force that destroyed everything in its path, including each other if necessary.
Reaching a heavy set of doors, I paused in place as I realised that I had arrived outside Medical. Before I could decide whether to enter or turn around, the doors slid open to bring me face to face with Abby. The moment that she met my eyes, it was evident that she could recognise the distress I was under and she quietly excused herself to place a hand on my arm, guiding me to a private room.
"What can I do for you, Indigo?" She investigated as she closed the doors behind us and fixed me with a concerned expression.
In the silence that followed her question, I realised that I was uncertain why I had come here myself. My legs trembled with anxiety as I strained to unpick my motivations. After some internal investigation, I realised that in the absence of Arlo, I had automatically turned to the nearest surrogate mother figure that I could find for comfort.
Stubbornness gripped at my throat to prevent my words from escaping. I was determined to maintain a strictly patient doctor relationship, rather than anything more meaningful. In a bid to prove that I could manage without any parental guidance or motherly love, I swallowed the pain that threatened to consume me.
"I, um-" I stuttered as my mind whirred to arrange my thoughts into something that wouldn't raise her suspicions. "I was hoping that you could prescribe me some medication. Maybe something for anxiety?" I requested, avoiding meeting her eyes as I spoke and even without viewing her, I could sense that she was studying me.
"You know that I can, but I don't think that's why you're here." She suggested evenly, prompting me to dare to raise my gaze to her in confusion, as she met my eyes with a kind smile.
"I've been treating Raven for months. I know that expression. You need someone to talk to." She offered carefully, her demeanour the type of fond judgement that only a mother can wield and I scoffed, crossing my arms in annoyance.
Abby was unphased by my dismissive attitude, clearly battle hardened by her long term support of Raven. Instead of being frightened away from the topic, she slowly settled herself into a chair as if she had all the time in the world, patiently waiting for me to allow myself to speak. I chewed on my lip in an attempt to hold everything in and although I knew that I could simply walk away at any moment, something inside would not allow me to.
"I can give you medication if you really want it, but I think that what you're going through needs more than something to numb the effect." She advised, watching me with a wise, knowing expression and I knitted my fingers together in stress.
"You've experienced a great deal of hardship over the recent months, which I don't believe you have even begun to address, let alone heal from." She stated, causing a sarcastic snort to escape my lips. "Even if we only consider the past couple of days: you've had a life threatening injury, lost a friend, seen someone you despise overtake your home and been betrayed by your boyfriend. That's a lot for anyone to handle. No matter how determined you are to simply push through as you always do, you will reach your breaking point if you don't allow yourself to deal with what you're feeling."
"I don't know how to do that." I admitted, glazing up at her with vulnerability in my chest. "Ever since I was a child, I've always had to be strong. Until we landed here, I had never relied on anyone else. I don't know how to do this whole heartbroken, mourning friend thing. It isn't who I am. I am the person who carries everything and keeps going." I argued, as Abby flashed me a disapproving expression at this viewpoint.
"Of course I'm hurt, and sad, and honestly exhausted with it all. Most of all I'm just overwhelmingly angry. You know as well as I do that I make stupid decisions when I'm angry. Like telling the Chancellor that I wish he was dead." I remarked, covering my face with my hands in regret and Abby chuckled slightly, shaking her head at me in disbelief.
"Anger is a perfectly valid and understandable emotion." She advised calmly, whilst I began tugging on the roots of my hair in stress.
My thoughts whirled through my mind so quickly that I struggled to organise them into words. The pain of my current situation piled on top of the months of agony that I had hidden away, leaving me with little strength to draw from. Abby sighed deeply, as if she were considering the least dangerous way to manage a creature with the potential to harm her. She fidgeted in her seat, leaning closer as she squinted her eyes at me in assessment.
"When I found out that my husband was planning on exposing the council, I was furious." She began, her voice low and serious, and I glanced up at her in interest.
"I couldn't believe that he would throw away his life with Clarke and I, as if it were worth nothing to him. That anger led me to some terrible decisions, but I've learned to live with them. I've had to. Emotions are a part of being human and although you obviously need to have some consideration on how you behave, for your own safety, you can't beat yourself up for having them either." She revealed, surprising me with her honesty which prompted me to allow some vulnerability in return.
"Bad decisions might be part of the process, but how do I get through all of this shit without completely self-destructing?" I enquired as I met her eyes with a hint of the fear that I'd struggled to hide until now. "I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb. I don't know what I'll do from one moment to the next." I admitted, the familiar feeling of fire still smouldering in my chest.
"You have to find your strength." She advised simply. "Mine was Clarke. I did everything that I could to keep her safe. When I was made the Chancellor of Arkadia, she helped me to find that strength for all of our people." She revealed, her serene voice giving me faith in the authenticity of her words.
There was something strangely calming about Abby. No matter how insane her suggestions, it was difficult not to believe in them. Her faith in you to achieve the impossible always empowered you beyond any doubts that you might have and I recognised that same confidence in her eyes as she examined me now.
"I know that you have it. You kept those kids alive at the dropship and protected them in Mount Weather. It might be harder to reach it now, but if you have to, you can do what I did. Fake it til you make it." She added with a playful wink, seeming as if she were repeating advice that had previously helped her and I managed a weak smile in return.
As I opened my mouth to reply, the doors opened behind me causing me to startle into a standing position and I whipped around to find Kane creeping inside. He seemed to be making every effort to draw as little attention to his arrival as possible, waiting silently for the door to close behind him. Without a single word spoken, I could sense that a serious conversation was impending.
"Indigo. I'm glad you're here." Kane announced as he approached us and spoke in a low voice. "Indra radioed. She's asked to meet." He revealed in a deadly tone that made my back involuntarily straighten and I found myself staring at him with wide eyes.
"What's the plan?" I blurted, cutting off Abby before she could get a word in and Kane smiled at my enthusiasm.
"We're being watched. Pike's looking for any opportunity to brand us as traitors. We need to act carefully. " He confirmed, causing me to frown in disappointment at my own inconsiderate behaviour earlier today. "I have a way to potentially smuggle Octavia out of camp. She has a history with Indra. Considering that her most recent interaction with our people has been violent, she may be able to approach her in a less threatening manner than any of us."
The combined gaze of the two adults burned into the sides of my head and I could tell that they were measuring my reaction to this suggestion, as if I were a bomb that could explode at any moment. Though I was undoubtedly protective of Octavia, I had faith in her abilities and at this chaotic time, I would honestly feel more secure with her outside of the danger of our camp.
"Good idea." I agreed, noticing that they both visibly relaxed at my response. "It would be irregular for you to approach her though. No one pays any attention to the two of us speaking." I pointed out and Kane nodded in agreement. "Where do I need to bring her?"
❖ ── ✦ ──『✙』── ✦ ── ❖
Outside, the courtyard was bustling with people working on the new industry that Pike had promised. Fortunately, this allowed me to pass with little notice and wandered through the crowd casually in search of my friend. When I finally spotted Octavia, she was sitting to one side sharpening a dagger with obvious annoyance. I made a concentrated effort to approach her as if this weren't any significant conversation.
"Oktavia." I addressed her in Trig to ensure that she immediately understood that this was a private matter. "Come with me. Act normal." I ordered quietly, observing the way that she reluctantly got to her feet, as if annoyed that I had disturbed her and as always, I was pleased by her acting skills.
"What's happening?" She investigated as she rose to fall into step with me and as expected, no one seemed to have even noticed the two of us together.
It was a relief to be helpful after all of my behaviour only worsening the situation in the past few days. Discovering that my theory had been correct was a welcome surprise and I felt validated that I was still able to contribute.
"Your teacher is alive." I informed her quietly and though I could feel that she struggled not to react to this revelation, she did remarkably well at hiding it. "She signalled asking to meet. Someone is waiting to help you get out." I explained, keeping my words purposely vague and void of any names that could be overheard by anyone that we passed.
"What about you?" She enquired with concern, already suspicious that my wording hadn't included any mention of me joining her and I flashed a sneaky smile in her direction.
"I'll be fine. I'll make sure that Linkon and the other grounders are safe." I revealed as we stepped into the halls of the Ark, feeling relieved that we were no longer under as much scrutiny, but I remained speaking in Trig as a precaution. "Besides, I'm being watched. I'll just get you noticed. Pike and Bellamy think that I'll be the weak link. We can exploit that focus." I argued in response to her defensive expression as we neared the meeting point and she paused to regard me with concern.
"Don't let Pike get in your head. I know that this is tough for you, but you're smarter than that son of a bitch." She stated, clearly feeling reluctant to leave me alone amongst all of this stress and I smiled gratefully at her for her constant consideration.
"Don't worry. My head is in the game." I asserted, despite feeling uncertain whether that statement was entirely accurate as yet.
My heart ached as the time came for us to part and I fidgeted on the spot as I considered that I couldn't know when I would see her next. Life within the camp had become unpredictable, with a tendency to escalate at a moment's notice and I knew that the situation amongst the grounders was likely to be volatile. Though I hoped for a more promising outcome, I remained aware that this could be a permanent separation. I was willing to sacrifice my time with her for her safety, but still had to battle against the instinct to cling to her.
"I was an idiot for getting so distracted with Bellamy. I'm not going to let that happen again. From now on, it'll be like the old days. Just you and me. Oso throu daun ogeda." [We fight together.] I promised, holding my hand out to her and she grabbed it immediately, pulling me in so that her forehead touched mine.
"Oso throu daun ogeda." She repeated, gripping my hand tightly in hers and I smiled at her support. No matter what happened, I knew that I would always be able to count on her and it was her loyalty that gave me the courage to continue fighting for what I believed in.
"Be careful and stay safe."
"You too."
❖ ── ✦ ──『✙』── ✦ ── ❖
From the moment that Octavia left my sight, it was a challenge to prevent myself from worrying for her. I continually had to remind myself of her capability, whilst also considering my main assignment of acting normal. The scrutiny of Pike's people was all too evident, as the feeling of eyes on me seemed never ending. However, I knew that as long as they were watching me, they weren't looking for her and that allowed me to feel useful, at least.
In order to keep my mind occupied, I busied myself with various tasks around camp, helping out wherever people would allow me. Some of our people were already determined to shun me, treating me as if I were the black sheep of the family, but I didn't allow their ignorance to anger me.
The mundane activities allowed time to pass without my notice, until the sound of gunfire from the guards on our walls caused my stomach to lurch in panic. All of the colour drained from my face as I strode toward the gates, with the horrifying vision filling my mind of Octavia lying in the grass bleeding from a bullet wound. My legs shook as fear overtook my body and I struggled to maintain my composure as Abby came into view with blood on her hands.
Guards followed closely behind her carrying a body that was clothed in heavy furs that made it difficult to identify them and I felt my breath catch in my throat.
"It's a grounder." Abby stated hurriedly as she caught the panic in my face. "Unfortunately, we were too late." She explained regretfully and I glanced down at the unfamiliar man with relief as his body passed.
Abby placed a hand on my back to lead me back into camp and I felt as if I were in a daze as I allowed her to guide me, my mind still whirring from the terror that had gripped my chest. I took a few unfocused steps with her, before heavy footsteps from behind caught my attention and I peeked over my shoulder.
The sight that I was met with froze me into place and I could hardly believe what I was seeing. In that moment, it was as if everything else around me ceased to exist and my gaze remained sternly placed on the man that strolled through the gates.
Chancellor Jaha strode into Arkadia as if he still owned the place, a familiarly smug smile gracing his lips and an immediate wave of nausea washed over me. Hundreds of innocents had been killed to ensure our success, all at the command of this man.
Memories overtook my consciousness as I reflected on all of the pain that we had endured as a result of his decisions. My throat began to close, recalling the suffocating feeling of the sickness that the grounders inflicted on our camp, leaving children drowning in their own blood whilst we could do nothing to save them. The sensation of dirt under my nails felt permanent from all of the graves that I'd dug; burning filled my nostrils from the awful morning we emerged from the dropship only to be faced with hundreds of cremated remains; the whirring of a drill as it cut into my friends was deafening, only drowned out by the horrified screams that I remembered as if they were happening at this very moment.
Countless young people had been tossed aside as if they were little more than trash, their bodies forming the foundation that Arkadia now stood on. Charlotte's suicide, Finn's breakdown and subsequent execution, Wells' murder, Atom's disfiguration, Finn's execution, Fox's sexual assault, numerous deaths at the hands of the grounders, starvation, sickness, every kind of wound. Every single hardship that we had faced had been caused by the decision of this single man, who wandered back into our territory as if he were gifting us with his presence.
Even on the Ark, his incompetence had caused the suffering that led to each of our arrests. The guards who exploited Octavia's mum in order to keep her hidden, those who encouraged Bellamy to assassinate the Chancellor, the doctors who failed to help Murphy as a child, and most painfully, the guard who continually abused my mother. Each of us were failed by his council, those who had sworn to protect us, and yet he continued to smile with pride as he looked upon his people.
It seemed an enormous injustice that he still had the opportunity to waltz back into our lives when he was the cause of this entire mess and the moment that our eyes met, I felt the last of my sanity dissolve into madness. Rage boiled over inside of me, as a red haze filled my vision and I barely even knew what I was doing as I slammed him to the ground.
My fists pounded into him with the weight of a lifetime of pain and I was powerless to stop myself from unleashing all of the fury that I had carried since we first discovered our fate. For a few moments, no one moved to stop me, as if they couldn't believe that anyone would dare to attack the man responsible for endless misery, before hands clutched at my arms in an attempt to drag me away from my target.
"Stop! Indie. Stop this!" Monty's voice called as he strained to reach me, desperation coating his words.
Other guards jumped in to help him, but he was gentler in his handling of me. If anything, he seemed as if he thought he was saving me from myself, whilst his colleagues were outraged at my behaviour. There were voices shouting alongside Monty, but everything else sounded distant, as if I were underwater. In the depth of my emotions, all I could see was the face of the man who had sentenced us to death and nothing other than vengeance seemed to matter.
"Leave her alone, Monty." Jasper called in the distance, standing just far enough from the conflict to avoid being pulled into it. "He deserves it! Let her do it."
Jaha barely seemed to flinch in response to the many punches that I barraged him with, but I still continued to pound at him with all of the strength that I could muster. Every strike carried the pain and guilt that lived within me, all burdens that I felt belonged with him and it was as if I desired to force him to take them instead.
"You did this!" I screeched as I lost my grip, sliding out of reach of his face. "You sent us to die! People died because of you. Children died! We were starved, and tortured, and picked off by warriors like we were game. You're a monster!" I howled, kicking wildly in an attempt to escape them, unwilling to be forced to cease my attack.
Due to the power of my adrenaline, it took a considerable amount of guards to drag me off the previous Chancellor. Several others rushed forward to assist him to his feet, but I noticed that he was remarkably calm as he straightened up. In fact, he barely seemed to have noticed his injuries, which only further fuelled my temper.
"How dare you come back! I'll fucking kill you!" I yelled, my body tensing from the power of my emotions and causing the guards to struggle to contain me. "You're a dictator. You crushed us on the Ark, then threw us away like trash. You don't deserve to have survived!"
Despite my protests, I was eventually forced into a set of handcuffs and with the combined effort of numerous guards, hauled off toward the cells. Monty was no longer assisting to restrain me, as he watched in a state of shock from the side, unable to will himself to detain me.
Once I could no longer observe Jaha's entitled face, my rage gradually dissipated enough to allow them to march me toward the familiar metal barred cell that would be my home without fighting. The guards tossed me inside unceremoniously, allowing me to crash to the ground before the gates slammed behind me in a manner that wasn't dissimilar to my arrest on the Ark. Their stomping footsteps as they exited gave way to silence and I was left with nothing but the company of my own thoughts as I seethed with hatred.
Dragging myself off the ground, I settled on a bench to run my hands through my hair as much as the cuffs would allow and took some slow, deep breaths in an effort to fully calm myself. I could still feel acidic anger pulsing through my veins, causing my hands to tremble, but now that I was alone, I was able to sense the overwhelming fear that accompanied it.
Though I logically knew that attacking Jaha had been reckless, I couldn't bring myself to regret my actions. The pain that he had caused was still fresh in my mind, from the trauma of my childhood to the losses we had endured on Earth. It was unfathomable to me that others seemed entirely willing to forget all of the death and destruction in his wake.
Hours passed filled whilst I had little to occupy my mind other than self reflection, as I rapidly switched between feeling furious, upset, depressed and hurt. My mind was at war with itself and the breaking point that Abby had earlier warned was inevitable seemed to have arrived at last, as I found myself wiping tears from my cheeks. Her advice replayed in my mind, reminding me to find my strength and I used the time to calculate what the root of mine was.
Since we reunited, I had relied on Bellamy for everything. It was only in the face of this conflict that I was finally able to see our relationship for what it was, a dependency that treated him as if the glue that held the broken pieces of me in place. As I examined myself in my current shattered state, I understood that the time had come for me to find a way to fill this role alone.
During Mount Weather, my need to protect others had overridden my pain, but that need no longer felt like a source of strength. Instead, it was a burden that I was drowning in as I strained to share my willpower with those who had lost their own. What had once inspired me to fight now seemed like a constant drain and no matter how much energy I poured into fixing those around me, they always needed more than I could give.
In the early days on Earth, and almost all of my time in lockup, the entire purpose of my existence was to protect Octavia. She was the first person to show me true kindness since my mother and in my desperation to show her my appreciation in return, she'd become my entire world. The fact that she needed me gave me a new purpose in a time where I felt as if my suffering had been for nothing. Now, she had grown into a warrior who was more than capable of protecting herself and had Lincoln to fall back on if she ever needed help.
In the midst of my weakness, I couldn't maintain the mental block on all of the memories that I tried to protect myself from. For the first time in years, I revisited the experiences that had shaped me into the unstable person that I was today.
The miserable existence of life within my mothers quarters caused my heart to ache, as I hid out of sight and pretended that I couldn't hear her pained yells, until the guard left from his frequent visits. Many nights of my childhood were spent holding her whilst she cried from nightmares. Even the limited medical knowledge that I possessed had been gained from assisting her with the injuries that she was often left with. We hid from the rest of the Ark, isolating ourselves for our own protection and she taught me that relationships with other people only left me vulnerable to betrayal, or weakened me.
Upon reflection, it seemed almost as if these experiences belonged to a different person. In the years that had passed, I'd gradually learned to open myself up to people again. Octavia had taught me that bonds with others were required to give life meaning and as those that I now considered to be family had wormed their way into my heart, I'd grown soft.
Mentally, I began to dissect the behaviours that I depended on to survive those dark years, forced to acknowledge that the time had come I might need them again. The core of my beliefs was to trust no one. In my youth, survival was my primary concern. In order to remain strong and to resist any manipulation, I had learned to close myself behind a wall that contained any emotions which I considered useless. People were to be kept at a distance; sentiment only led to bonds that would inevitably cause pain.
Though I noticed recently that I had already begun to slip into these old habits, allowing my relationships to gradually grow distant, I knew that I had unconsciously fought to prevent myself from fully disappearing behind my defences. Deep down, I wanted to hold my loved ones close to me, despite the hurt that it caused, but the hurt had grown into something that was impossible for me to withstand.
As I reflected over the situation that I'd found myself in, I grew steadily calmer as I stored away the emotions that gnawed away at my heart, feeling the cold spreading inside. The walls that I had spent years breaking down had already begun to restore themselves, shielding me from the bonds that made me vulnerable. Without all of my tenderness and fear, I could focus on the necessary aspects of survival.
The shaking in my hands passed, the tears dried and a strange sense of numbness passed through my body. I could no longer allow myself to be drawn into the needs of others, or treat myself as a shield for their pain. Within the silence of the cell, I resolved to prioritise strength in the face of our new enemy and knew that I would need to remain focused to maintain this mindset in the long term.
Footsteps drew me out of this meditative state and I only became aware of my surroundings again when I heard someone entering the cell. When my eyes opened, I was surprised to find Kane standing at the bars, surrounded by guards.
"Indigo." He spoke firmly and I stood to cross the room, meeting him at the gate. "Jaha has generously opted not to press charges for your assault. He had discussed the incident with Pike, and they have agreed for you to be released on the condition that I take responsibility for you moving forward." Kane explained carefully, whilst I thinned my eyes at him suspiciously.
Though Kane and I had come to understand each other over the past few months, I couldn't comprehend that he was willing to put himself in such a vulnerable position on my behalf. It was difficult for me to consider trusting any politician, especially one who had been in power on the Ark, but it seemed that his growth was genuine since arriving on Earth. If he was offering to release me from this cell, then it would be foolish to decline.
"Is that something you can handle?" Kane presented in a calm tone and I nodded in confirmation. "Good. Release her."
Even in their silence, the guards seemed reluctant as they busied themselves with opening the cell and their bitter expressions revealed their distaste for my release as they removed the cuffs that dug into my wrists. Kane placed a hand cautiously on my back to make a physical show of taking me into his protection and I could feel the guards' sharp glares following me as Kane guided me out of the cell block.
His demeanour gradually relaxed as we gained distance from them and I suspected that he had been purposely firm in order to demonstrate that he took his new duty seriously. Now that we were alone, he observed me with a measured sense of disapproval and I felt as if I were about to be scolded by a doting father.
"I understand why you attacked Jaha. I can't imagine the anger that you must hold for him, but you can't afford to behave like this, Indigo." He stated in a calm manner and I stared at my feet shamefully. "Everything is at stake. The situation here is hanging by a thread and we need to be painfully careful about every action that we take."
"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't think." I mumbled, running my fingers over the bruising that had already begun to form on my knuckles.
I didn't appreciate being lectured, but I was willing to admit that my actions had been detrimental to my ability to assist in the fight against Pike. Strangely, knowing that Kane was disappointed in me caused a greater feeling of guilt than if he had simply yelled and I wondered if this was how it felt to have a parental figure whose opinion you valued. I pushed the odd thought aside as he paused on the spot to view me.
"Focus on one enemy at a time." Kane instructed, as I sighed in consideration and was relieved that he hadn't attempted to convince me that Jaha was not my enemy. "You don't have to do this alone." He added encouragingly, as he paused to fix me with a subtle smile and I managed a weak smile in response.