Everyone kept. Saying. He. Was. Dead.
She was growing frustrated, she knew he wasn't.
He couldn't be.
When she returned to the cave with Merrill and Feneral, Merrill started talking as if he was already dead and practically started planning his funeral right there.
Thalia had had to reign in the urge to bring a knife to her throat at her casual tone, yelling about how wrong she was. She managed to keep to just snapping at her to not talk like that, which rightly caused her to blush and apologize.
The shem even said he was probably dead.
She knew he would not be in the cave, they searched everywhere inside it, but was somewhere nearby. If she could just find him, they could heal him and they could finally have their talk. He promised.
Angry, defiant tears rolled down her eyes as she was forced to return to camp with commands from Merrill and this Duncan. He talked about a cure, but she didn't want a cure without Tamlen, he needed it too. Fenarel tried his best to silently comfort her on their way back to the camp.
She didn't even care about the blatant dismissal from Marethari. She was told to tell Varethal to prepare a funeral right for Tamlen, but she ignored it. She was instead at the edge of camp, sitting and staring off into the distance, trying to think where he could be hiding. He knew the area, if he could walk, he could get back. So, where was he?
She remained there until Marethari and Duncan came to her.
"Lethallan, there is a cure. You must go with the Warden."
"I'm not leaving without Tamlen," she said obstinately, continuing to stare at the distant trees.
She could hear the sorrow in the Keepers voice. "You searched Da'len, we all did. And if Duncan says he is gone…" she trailed off.
"He is still alive! I know it!" She said, anger flaring through her again. "I will find him!" She turned to them finally, glaring.
"There is no hope," Duncan said calmly. "If you do not come with me and take the cure, it'll be a matter of days before you become comatose again."
"I don't believe you," Thalia sneered at him. "I feel fine, the Keepers magic healed me."
"I did not heal you, lethallan, I was only able to stem the flow. Duncan is correct, I see it growing and ready to take you again."
"I can't leave!" She shouted, "Not just Tamlen, but the clan too?" The last part came out as a half scream, half sob
"You would be of no use to them dead. And there is a blight, we need all the fighters available," Duncan said slowly, as if explaining a difficult concept to a young child
"Dread Wolf take you and your Shem blight," Thalia sneered and turned away from them, folding her arms around herself.
"It is not only the shems this will affect, Da'len but all of Thedas." Marethari said, before abruptly changing course. "We are leaving, in 2 days time, across the sea."
That shocked Thalia to silence for a moment. Leaving?
"I don't care, I'm still staying in the area."
Duncan sighed, "I was hoping it would not come to this. Thalia Mahariel, by my right as a Grey Warden, you are being conscripted into service. You will come with me to take the cure and to use all your power to try and stop this Blight."
"I will never follow orders from a Shem," she spat.
Marethari looked at her sadly. "He is a Grey Warden, lethallan. It is his right, and you must go. If Tamlen were alive, he would not want you to waste your final days trying to find him. You must live, Thalia, for the both of you."
Tears began to well up in her eyes before streaming down her face. She looked away from them, feeling completely betrayed and a sense of loneliness she had never felt before. She choked out a single fine, before she stalked off further into the forest to be alone.
It was late evening now. The rest of the clan would gather around the fire, talking before most turned in for the night before they would return to packing for the next morning.
She had heard them earlier singing the dirge for Tamlen. She had wanted to scream and yell, but knew it would accomplish nothing. She wanted to continue searching, but she knew from the look the Keeper had given her that she was not to leave the camp. So she stared listlessly at the wall of her tent, barely registering the noises of camp.
The tent flap moved, and Marethari entered. There was a pause when neither of them said anything, then the Keeper cleared her throat and said, "I know Tamlen is gone to us, now… but I know he would have wanted you to have these before you leave the clan."
The Keeper slid a medium sized wrapped package onto her lap. Marethari locked eyes with her, eyes shining with unspilled tears and her hands gripping the younger elves. She looked like she wanted to say more, but could not find the words.
Thalia stared at her stonily before methodically unwrapping it. Intricate patterns of Andrull were carved into a deep, earthy brown leather arrow holster.
She had been complaining to him and Merrill that hers needed to be repaired or replaced soon. The flimsy strap had been driving her crazy for weeks now.
Drawing it closer, she inhaled the new leather and was surprised to hear something rattle around inside.
It was a small box.
She lifted the top off, unable to stop herself. Inside was a delicate ironbark ring nestled in petals from her favorite white and red wildflower. Examining the ring closer, the oak tree constellation, Fervanis, was carved into it, inlaid with rich emerald.
When had he found the time to make these? She wondered. How long had he been thinking of making them? True she did have her own gift for him, but that was smaller and wouldn't have taken nearly as long as this beautiful quiver.
For the first time since waking, something broke inside her. Tears fell down her face like a waterfall, and she felt like she was drowning in it.
Barely able to move through the tears, she put the ring on her right ring finger (she could not bear to be the one to put it on her left).
"I am so sorry, lethallan," Marethari said, voice thick with sadness as she embraced her. Minutes later, she produced another box. "This is an heirloom to Tamlen's family. He had expressed interest in using it… once you were bonded. I think you should have this as well."
Thalia blinked, trying to see around the tears. It was another ring, though much too large for her to wear. It was made of carved horn from a halla with onyx on the inside and edges. Simple, but it just matched Tamlen so completely.
Sobs began to wrack her body again. This was all too much for her.
She didn't even notice Merrill and Feneral come in, embracing and trying to comfort her as she broke down. She thought of Tamlen; the talk that would never come and the fear of a tomorrow without him, her clan and the world of the shem.
She hardly noticed when she finally fell asleep, exhausted from the crying, clutching at the ring that should have brought such happiness but now only brought heartbreak
A/N: The title of the story is from a song with the same name by Amber Run. It is one of the many songs I have and will be adding to a spotify playlist ;-; I just need to get all these angsty ideas out of my head, so I might as well share it with other people. I have some of this already, and a vague idea of how I want it to play out, but we will see how often I actually post... Hope you enjoy my ramblings!