Chapter 8 - Fear of Loneliness

Bulma woke up the next day and was surprised to see Yamcha getting ready because his shift would not start until 5 pm.

"Where are you going?" she asked, sleepily, and he showed her a message on his cell phone, and it was from his boss, Doctor Champa:

'Cover Toppo's duty. He needed to leave early.'

She sat up in bed, irritated, and said:

"But it's always like this, Yamcha. Damn it, you're always the one covering other people's shifts. Do you ever intend to have a personal life?"

"Hey, babe," he smiled his best charming smile, "The day I own a house in the southern islands and a speedboat, a practice where I can see patients who aren't boring, then I'll think about my personal life. Whatever it takes to make money, you know I'll do it."

He kissed her and left. Bulma fell back on the bed, annoyed, and picked up her cell phone to look at the time, and saw a notification in the "True Life" game: "Your friend Goku_01 just made a correct decision! Congratulate him!"

She laughed. Goku had indeed made the right decision. Since she had her cell phone in hand, she logged Facebook, and the first status update was Goku's, which said, "I woke up with the woman of my dreams in my arms," with several happy faces after the status. Bulma laughed.

On Instagram, it was even more fun: Goku and Chichi had shared the same photo: a selfie of the two lying together, where you could only see their faces, but you could tell they were in a post-sex situation. "Together" Chichi's caption read, while Goku's was more explicit: "The love of my life, yesterday, today and forever!".

She also saw that Chichi and Goku had changed their relationship statuses on Facebook: he had gone from "it's complicated" to "in a serious relationship" and Chichi from "single" to "in a serious relationship.

Bulma smiled. She had helped, she had been a part of it... and she knew that the two of them loved each other. It was more obvious than ever. It was the kind of couple that when you observed together, you immediately thought, "they're going to work out. They're going to live happily for many years." And that made her wonder where her relationship with Yamcha was going.

They had been dating for eight years, and until then, neither of them had talked about getting married. Not that Bulma didn't want to get married: the truth was that she didn't know if she wanted to marry Yamcha. Bulma, lying in bed, began to think: she couldn't remember, really, ever feeling in love with Yamcha. He was a handsome resident she had started dating during an internship, and she had never had any reason to break up with him.

The two of them said "I love you" to each other, they weren't much for fighting, but they also weren't passionate. The sex between the couple was good but not involved and passionate. Seeing that image of Goku and Chichi lying on a bed, she thought that they had certainly made love passionately, in a way that she and Yamcha had never done before.

She sighed. She didn't want to envy other people's happiness, but she certainly wanted more than what she had... but there was one thing that haunted her: broke up with Yamcha would mean being seven nights a week alone, and she feared solitude. She hated coming home and having to heat up a meal just for herself. She hated not having anyone to talk to, and at least with Yamcha around, the lonely nights were only three in a week.

This would be one of those nights, except that she had imagined spending the day with him, only parting ways in the afternoon. She decided that she would spend the day alone, but she would have fun. Then her cell phone rang. It was Vegeta.

"Vegeta?" she said, worried "do you need me? Is today's nurse absent?"

He laughed, on the other side and said:

"You're a stressed-out girl. It's none of my business. I want you to tell me what you did, cupid. Because Kakarotto texted me at 4 in the morning and said, he was the happiest man in the world. So I asked him what he had been drinking, and he just replied, "Chichi! We're together again!" Since you guys were going out as a group yesterday, I had a feeling you had something to do with it."

She laughed and told the whole story, with Goku's request and Chichi's immediate acceptance. He laughed, on the other side, and said:

"Well, I hope she won't be angry with me because all this time she thought I was her savior. She was grateful to me."

"But you helped her indeed, didn't you?"

"Even if I had actually spent all that money, it wouldn't be a sacrifice like Kakarotto did... you, know, he used all money he had saved to help her... but if he didn't, I would and, in fact, next week I will let her know that I did something which will actually help her."

"What have you done, Vegeta?"

"I won't give you a spoiler," he joked, "you'll know after she knows," he said mysteriously.

"Gee, I thought it was nice that you called me." she said, suddenly "someone else would have texted me, Vegeta."

"I really thought about it. I didn't know if you would be busy or with your boyfriend... but I thought it would be better to hear you telling the story than read a message about it. I was right, as always."

"Actually, I'm still in bed... my boyfriend went to cover a shift, and I was too lazy to get up."

"That's funny because I'm also lying down," he said, "waiting for Tenshihan to arrive, but he's not coming until eleven."

"Didn't your nurse give you your massage?" she said, "it's past time."

"Actually, only after I finish the physical therapy and exercises so that I don't have to shower twice in the same morning."

"Wow, and I think I'm "the" lazy one." She said, and Vegeta laughed from the other side. Suddenly Bulma asked, "is her massage as good as mine?"

"Tch..." he said, comically, "Ribrianne has heavy hands, and it's not because she's fat! Before her, I had another chubby nurse who had an amazing massage. Of course... yours is the best of all. Nobody has your touch, Bulma."

Bulma blushed. She suddenly thought of the contact of her hands with his legs, and she wondered what it would be like to touch him... in another way. She swallowed dryly and said:

"You exaggerate... I just do my job."

"No," Vegeta's voice was serious, husky on the other end of the line, "Mrs. Uranai did her job, Maron, Ribrianne, and Lazuli do their jobs. You... you go beyond that, Bulma. You make me feel good, and I'll never forget that, girl.

You take care of me, and I am thankful."

"I like to take care of people, you know," she said clumsily. Vegeta then changed the subject:

"Starting next week, you will be able to leave at 5 pm Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. But I will not reduce your salary. Don't worry."

"Why are you dismissing me two hours early, Vegeta?"

"I have made a commitment. It is all I'll have to say. It's good that you have more time to dedicate to your beloved boyfriend."

The way he spoke was frankly derogatory, and Bulma laughed. Then she sighed and said:

"Ah, if only he didn't cover so many shifts."

"It just shows what an idiot he is," Vegeta said, now serious, "I used to do that kind of idiocy when I was... before. And that's why I don't think I ever really had a girlfriend who loved me. They knew that work was the love of my life... and I never loved anyone either."

The bitterness in his voice made Bulma say:

"What's that, Vegeta..."

"Seriously, Bulma... this guy is a jerk if he dumps a woman like you to go after money."

"I don't think that's an appropriate conversation, Vegeta..."

He gave a sigh on the other end of the line and said:

"That's right, Bulma... it's your life. But do everything to be happy, don't accept less than you deserve!"

"Thank you, Vegeta!" she smiled. They said goodbye, and she decided to get up. As she showered and prepared to do something outdoors to forget her troubles, she thought of Vegeta.

It was not and never would be ethically acceptable to get more involved with a patient than necessary. Still, she needed to confess to herself that Vegeta, after a start in which she had found him an overbearing and unpalatable fellow, had turned out to be quite a man. More than once, she thought about what it would have been like to have known him, as he said "before"...

"He wouldn't even look at me," she said, "he was dating top models..."

What she didn't know was that Vegeta, while dating beautiful women, had never had a girlfriend that he really loved, as he had told her. Not even the last one, a gorgeous Victoria Secrets Angel with a statuesque body and long legs. Andy Gero was beautiful, true. She was not a dumb model. She was cultured and intelligent, but she lacked something that Vegeta had only discovered was missing when he was abandoned: empathy.

He had not told anyone what had caused the trauma that triggered his panic syndrome and depression, and the only one who had a faint suspicion as to why was Goku. He had spent nearly 18 days in the hospital to treat the injury and then preparing to adapt to his new condition. He was convinced that nothing was going to change. Not significantly, he thought. Men lived in wheelchairs all over the world. He was a paraplegic, so what? It wasn't like being paralyzed from the neck down or without hand movements...it was just a limitation, he believed.

Doctor Kamisama had emphasized many times that his condition was not the worst in the world for a paralyzed person: he had the movement of his hips, he had control of his sphincters, and he didn't need a urinary tube. Vegeta left the hospital truly believing that he would be able to have an almost normal sex life. Although he might not have all penile sensitivity, he would have reflex erections, and he would probably have intensified pleasure with the transfer of the erogenous zones. With touch, affection, and care, maybe he would have a full life.

He found himself eager to be cared for and loved. It was something he never thought about. Indeed he was hopeful his girlfriend could love him the way he was.

"A paraplegic can have a normal personal and sexual life, Vegeta, I can assure you.

" Doctor Kamisama told him, and he believed all the doctor's assurances and prepared himself to lead his "almost normal" life.

Andy had visited him only twice in the hospital, and he had understood, it was the middle of the season. He never went to Paris and New York with her during the fashion shows because he hated that fashion environment. Vegeta found it all too superficial, and she always seemed to understand him. But he walked with her through expensive and chic places of the high society while they were sweethearts. They were always photographed, a perfect Jet Set couple. When the incident happened, Andy was in the middle of the fashion season, but she actually traveled to the city, looking worried about him. But after she visited him at the hospital first time, she was soon booked full of appointments.

On the nineteenth day of his hospitalization, Vegeta was discharged and went home. He called her because he knew she was already back in the city and he didn't notice the coldness with which she asked:

"But is this condition definitive, or will you someday get well

and be able to walk again?"

"Well is not the term," he said optimistically, "but adapted. Do you want to go out? I already have a suitable car, it's very easy to drive, and we can go out to dinner

. It is almost like before, besides the wheelchair."

"I'm coming, dear."

Vegeta waited for her. It would be good to have her by his side at that moment. He was sure that she would be understanding with him, would help him in his adaptation. And she arrived in less than ten minutes and said:

"Vegeta, shall we go for a walk?"

They got off, but she didn't want to go in his car. Hers was standing in the doorway. Vegeta used a top-class motorized chair, the latest and model, and told her that he thought it was great that he had made the project accessible, even though he had never imagined he would need it. She didn't take him to the car. Instead, she asked them to go to a little park nearby.

Vegeta wondered. It wasn't the kind of walk they usually went on. She had never said she liked parks or gardens. And they walked to a beautiful part of the park, there was a huge fountain and benches, children were running around and babysitters with little babies, it was a sunny autumn afternoon after all. She sat down on a bench and stared at him in his wheelchair. She looked at him for a long time before said:

"Vegeta, I don't have the psychological structure to continue by your side. Not with you like this."

And that was how, with those words, she had left him. The conversation was not even very long. It revolved around the fact that he was no longer the same man she had known... and that she didn't know how to deal with someone in his condition. But they would be friends if he wanted them to be.

But Vegeta didn't want to. He threw a fit of rage and told Andy to get lost, forget him, and consider him dead because that's how he felt. And then she left him there, in the middle of the park, watching those children running and mothers smiling while he felt miserably betrayed by life.

Suddenly, he felt terrified, alone, and lost. A mother who was watching her son playing noticed the panic attack and helped him. She took him back and told him when they reached the building:

"There, sir, you are now safe."

Safe? He entered the building feeling like a helpless, destroyed creature. He could remember seeing the floors of the building alternating on the elevator monitor. The door opening, then using his key to enter the house. Was it a house? No. It was a large empty aquarium where he would be forever stuck, a useless man in a wheelchair.

So, he opened the balcony doors, then, free of bars. He approached. How long he stared at the landscape, feeling empty, he could not be sure. He remembered holding on to the ledge and trying to lift himself to his death, but then a pair of strong arms held him, closing around his torso with such a force that he, who had never given up on anything, suddenly gave up even on dying.

Damn Kakarotto with his intuition. He carried him to a hospitalization. He remembered seeing the cityscape, a blur of lights and colors, as his friend carried him, talking frantically with every specialist who had treated him on speakerphone. The conversations were a jumbled babble in his mind. He just closed his eyes and wished for it all to be over.

Another month in the hospital. Conversations. Medications. Therapies. Doctor Whis insisting on wanting to know what had led him to this, to his behavior so completely different from the one he had in rehab.

And he didn't tell. He never did. He was ashamed of who he was, of being abandoned like that: broken in body and spirit.

The days went by, the medicines made part of his mind clear. Kakarotto took care of the works, and when he returned, the apartment was adapted to his condition, and he no longer wanted to die. He even laughed when he realized that he was now literally trapped inside an aquarium, a completely sealed apartment. However, the thought of getting out of there, when the days started to succeed, made him terrified. He imagined that feeling of being lost and not knowing how to get back. That's why he had decided to become a hermit in his luxurious aquarium, or even his own private shark tank, where he swallowed all his anger and pacified his spirit.

What both Kakarotto and everyone else had forgotten was that even if the apartment had been completely sealed off so that he would never think of throwing himself down, he could still end his own life if he really wanted to.

He couldn't throw himself off the building, but no one remembered that there was the pool, and it would always be there, as a plan B. If one day he felt that life was no longer worth living... the pool was deep enough and death by drowning almost painless.

He had given himself a deadline, and it was running out to find something to live for. He had goals: seeing Kakarotto and Chichi together was one of them. Now, slowly, because of Bulma, overcoming panic syndrome was another of his goals. If he could find somewhere else another reason to live, he would move on and forget about the bottom of the pool.

If not, there would only be silence.

Bulma called Launch because she knew she would be free, as Tien had gone for a long physical therapy and exercise session with Vegeta. They had lunch together, and later Tien joined them, and they went to the movies, with Bulma making jokes about being like a younger sister watching the couple. She told the story of Chichi and Goku, and Launch said:

"How romantic... will they get married?"

"I believe that at some point, yes. After all, they were ten years apart, now that they are together, they must want to make up for lost time..."

"Speaking of lost time, how long have you and Yamcha been together?"

"Seven years... almost eight."

"Wow, that's quite a long time. Don't you think about going to the second step?"

Bulma looked at Launch, not sure what to say. She didn't know if she wanted the second step, not with Yamcha. Tienshinhan changed the subject and took the opportunity to say that Vegeta had shown great improvement. Suddenly, he looked at her significantly and said:

"And he never tires of praising you."

Bulma blushed. There was something that warmed inside her when she knew she had helped Vegeta. Still, something else, something that clung to her professionalism, said that that involvement she felt was, if not wrong, completely inappropriate. And she hoped that that feeling he seemed to have for her was no more than that platonic sphere.

Because she did not want, under any circumstances, to betray Yamcha.

The next day, Yamcha had arranged to have lunch with her, and the two were together when she received a Whatsapp message from Chichi. It was a photo, and Bulma's heart warmed.

"They loved each other the first time," the caption said.

The picture showed Goku and a boy, who looked less than nine years old, playing. Happy smiles were on the two faces, and Goku was holding the boy over his head, and the boy had his arms spread out, like spread wings and was holding a toy airplane in each hand.

Tears came to Bulma's eyes. They were together! They were, all together now. She showed the picture to Yamcha, who looked at it with indifference and said:

"Does your credit card friend have a little boy? Cute kid."

He returned his attention to his plate, and Bulma wondered, again, where they would get that way.

And again, she felt the old fear of loneliness because she felt very alone even with it.

Notes

1. I know that everyone is suspicious of Yamcha's "hospital shifts" and finds Bulma very innocent. But the innocence ends in the next chapter. But one thing is true: Yamcha does anything for money.

2. Panic syndrome is a serious disease and should never be treated as a "coolness" or a "hiccup." I once helped a friend in the middle of a panic attack, and I realized how serious it is for the person who feels it. And the same can be said for depression, which is a commonly associated condition.

3. If you experience one of these symptoms: excessive anxiety, unexplained fear, and a sense of impending death without apparent cause, please seek help.

4. Don't judge Vegeta's bride so horribly. Certain people factually don't have the psychological structure to deal with a condition like Vegeta's in this story.

5. We have passed the middle of the story. Next chapter: "Tears in the Rain."