A/N: This chapter is basically just a worst version of kingofFever's oneshot "just enough" from a couple years back. That explains any similarities. I wish I could have the same level of writing prowess as them... I gave it my best shot though. This was originally drafted back last year, so I can't remember some details so I apologise if there are any glaring mistakes or poor language skills present. Enjoy!

t/w: includes themes of depression and suicide even though It might not be depicted realistically (sorry but also not sorry).

Chapter Three

Out of all the members in the Order, most would assume Jesse would be the most resistant to this type of psychological torture. Perhaps even immune. She had gained a reputation for being one of the most outgoing and positive souls in all the world. She always acted like she didn't have a care in the world.

How wrong they were…

Radar was one of the first ones to really notice. Seeing as he was always next to her nearly every minute of every day ever since the founding of Beacontown. Her episodes, though uncommon, would almost always hit hard. She would retreat to her room often wanting to be left alone and when she was forced to be outside, she would take aimless walks around the back alleys of the town in an attempt to get away from it all. She was never very good at expressing any emotion besides positivity and glee so she found it slightly more therapeutic to avoid socializing. Of course, Jesse knew this was the completely wrong approach to solving her issues. She tried to express herself to her colleagues subtly in the past but they never seemed to get the memo.

The only person that got the message was Ivor. Jesse thought it was because he understood what she was going through but who knows, he's only maybe nearly half a century older than Jesse and went through a nasty breakup that led him to enact a plan to destroy the world just to prove a comparably, less than stellar group of fighters wrong. On the other hand, she could have just been trying to stay positive but completely failing at the same time with Ivor being the only one who was willing to ask and listen to her.

It was in the middle of winter. No snow of course but it was enough for Jesse to start shivering. Her head felt hot though. She was even having a good time with her friends before it hit her. The agitation just sort of crept up on her. She sat alone on the balcony of the Order Hall overlooking Beacontown. The bright neon lights of the town center lit up her eyes as she watched the regular people below mingle and exchange laughter. Their conversations being covered by the loud sounds of a street performer playing obnoxiously strumming an acoustic guitar with the volume of the amp on max volume.

Boy did she envy them. She was jealous. An unusual characteristic of her's yes, but nonetheless, she wasn't content with just sitting there and imagining her life if the Order never lied about using the command block to destroy the Ender Dragon. Maybe she should have just run and left well enough alone when Ivor first unleashed that monster before Gabriel had enough time to hand her the amulet. She didn't want this life anymore. Though it was fun at first, all the cheers she got and all the 'thanks' and rewards she received from her friends and townspeople all felt like they were worth nothing now. Her situation was similar to that of PAMA's. She didn't feel like she was 'useful' anymore. Jesse was annoyed at the very use of that word after what it did to Petra and Lukas. But unlike PAMA she didn't want to branch out and invade others to continue a quest of 'usefulness'. Her mental 'money' jar was running dry and soon she thought she might just get up and bring her friends with her to a faraway place where they could just do what they did best. And if they didn't want to come, she'd leave by herself. The idea of it felt so good but there was also the reasonable side of her that would shout at her whenever she was being selfish and what she deemed illogical.

"Too many people rely on me." Her mind told her not realizing it would only add to her stress.

"Who are you going to turn to when you need help?" She asked herself.

The other side of her conscious would always retort back with something along the lines of "You've survived this far haven't you? You're strong and independent. You don't need them."

Her hair blew in the wind. She had sunk slightly into the bench slowly zoning out trying to just stop thinking though her attempted descent was short-lived. The iron door behind her opened slowly. The screeching sounds of the iron door were enough to jolt her back into reality as she turned around to see who could possibly be disturbing her at this hour especially after the last interaction she had with the others was her explicitly telling them to not bother her.

Ivor gave her a slight smile as he peaked and stepped through the door.

"The others all went to bed and I just wanted to stop by before I headed back to my place," he said softly.

Jesse turned back around looking down towards Ivor's lava-spewing house. She gave him a light chuckle. "Must be warm in there huh?" She said before hoping to return to her previous state of dormancy.

Ivor walked around, sitting next to her on the bench with a slightly concerned look on his face.

"Great. Here we go." She thought to herself. She was not in the mood to say anything besides the usual "Hello" and the unfunny comment she would make every now and then.

She knew what he was going to ask as she turned to face him. She wanted out. Or maybe she didn't. But much to her surprise, he didn't say anything. He glanced over now and then over the span of a few minutes but he was silent. His breathing was even though she got the sense that he was freezing himself to death just being out here. She thought she should have been feeling awkward but all she was left with after being flustered about her position for the previous hour or so was the thought that the others would have never pulled what Ivor was doing either due to all their 'questions', false assurance, awkwardness, or maybe even boredom. They would all try to put their arm around her shoulder and try to comfort her through what she would consider meaningless sentences. Maybe that was just her convoluted way of thinking.

As the lights began to go out down below, she couldn't help but feel slightly comfortable sitting next to her long-haired friend. It wasn't tense nor did it make her anxious. "Was it on purpose?" She questioned herself as she glanced over to him. "Does he want me to talk?" Jesse thought. He turned his head to face her once more with an eyebrow raised signaling her to respond.

She didn't want to start because she knew that it would eventually devolve into a conversation about her and her problems and god did she not know want that to happen. It was tough enough for her to carry this burden by herself and if she were to release her frustrations out who's to say Ivor would give her the same standard response of giving her a 'get well soon' card. Her mind didn't want her to start yet she felt the compulsion of doing so. In mental desperation, she softly raised her head and looked towards the town and back again at him.

"Can I ask you a question?"

It had been around 15 minutes without a sound being made from either of them so Ivor had to snap back into the present. He looked at her and nodded.

"How do you keep going? How have you kept going?" She said forcing a chuckle out. "You're old right? There's gotta be some wisdom up there." She turned back around to face the town where by now most of the lights had completely disappeared. "I'm not even twenty-five yet I feel like…" She paused before being overrun by thoughts telling her to get out of there. "Don- Don-" she stuttered before finishing her sentence, "Forget about it," she said softly before running her hand through her hair.

"You know, you can tell me what's on your mind, Jesse. I'm not here to bite." Ivor said reassuringly.

She let out a loud sigh. Her brain alerted her about the incoming 'Get help' exit card that she presumed Ivor would tell her before trying to back out. But again, he didn't do anything. This time though, his eyes were locked onto her. Waiting patiently for some sort of continuation of what she was saying earlier. He always had a sneaking suspicion there was something more eating away at her ever since they got back from the Portal Hall. He wanted to hear what she had to say though he knew well enough to not try to pry it out of her.

She shuddered slightly. Still conflicted about what she should say or do she decided to stop worrying about what to say and just say it. Obviously, it was easier said than done.

"I don't know anymore." She tilted her head and dropped her hands onto her lap. "I thought I had found my calling. My new home. A new life. Yet I'm already…" She glimpsed over to him. "It's worse now because I don't have a reason to feel so sorry for myself. I don't have a reason to be sad, I don't have a reason to feel empty nor do I have reason t-" She cut herself off as her tears began to congregate knowing full well what she would have said next.

Ivor bit his lip. It was impossible to not empathize with her.

"I feel like I have an obligation to not feel sad or talk about anything that won't be perceived as kind or too personal." Jesse muttered. She forced another chuckle out continuing to talk, "If only I had the guts."

His eyes widened as she continued to vent to him.

She blinked rapidly to try to fight the tears to no avail. Her breathing became wobbly as she tried to mouth words out. "I still think about that treehouse a lot. You know, before it got destroyed." Jesse wiped the droplets off her face before continuing.

"I think I realize now that was the happiest I've even been. Just the four of us there." She shook her head, "And all that mattered was that stupid building competition."

Ivor remained quiet wanting to listen rather than taking this extremely rare moment away from her.

"Even back then, I would spend nights staring at the wooden ceiling dreaming of being something more than a nobody. Probably why I stayed around and didn't run from that monster." She took a deep breath. "But now that I have that, I don't feel any better. It's not like it's changed me. It's not like it changed my perspective on anything. Not my friends, not my accomplishments… and not of myself."

"I'm still the same desperate, old me." She took another breath to try to stop the tears from obscuring her vision and thoughts.

"And I wish I wasn't. I wish I was still a nobody. That way, I wouldn't have so much to lose if I decided i wanted to go to bed and lock myself in my room."

"I… I.." Jesse stuttered before taking a look at Ivor's calm yet understanding expression.

"I don't know what's happening to me." She looked down at her hands before returning to look at the old man.

"This thing is not normal."

"Every night for the past month, the only thing that's been on my mind is just throwing in the towel. Dreaming about how much better I would feel if I didn't have anything to feel."

"I couldn't sleep last night. No different from any other night so I went down to the treasure hall. I tried to remember all the good times but I guess nostalgia doesn't satisfy me anymore."

Jesse's condition began to deteriorate further as he words became fueled by pure timidness and heartache. She half expected Ivor to stop her from continuing but as the previous times, he said nothing.

She continued speaking, "That night I took my sword from the armory. I'm not sure why, I just wanted to hold something sharp."

"I'm scared now." She ran her hand through her chestnut hair as she turned to face the now dark town center.

"I thought I wanted this life. I truly believed I would find happiness and solace by helping people. Maybe I'm just selfish. Too wrapped up with myself then worrying about others." She sniffled. Her words began to become unintelligible but Ivor allowed her to continue.

"I'm sick of the looks of pity I get now. I mean, I can't be that bad of a person right? How the hell am I supposed to believe that things will ever get better or that someone values me when they all just stare? They stare. That's it. It's the same for the Order as well. My closest friends. People I consider my family. I try my damndest to take the first step and yet no one cares to notice. I mean… I guess you're with me right now? That surely must count for something."

"But I still feel nothing. Maybe my life is just an illusion. Perhaps everything is an illusion. What if you didn't actually exist and I was just hallucinating this entire time? Locked in a mental asylum?"

"How do I get out? How do I escape?"