Chapter 17

Shuî's POV

I really thought Ash was going to kiss me last night. But instead, he muttered my worst nightmare: Someone knows what I am. I never realized how hard my heart would pound as he whispered those words, his lips inches from my own.

It took me a moment to realize what word he put the emphasis on. He wasn't hunting me down, threatening to expose my darkest secrets; he was asking for a friend, an ally, someone to prove he wasn't the only one.

I should have paid more attention to that one little "too". If I'd stayed by his side instead of melting back into who I am with Crimson and Fin, if I hadn't left him alone, maybe none of this would've happened.

I stare at him through the glass window into the isolated room. He's so calm, deep into his sedative-induced slumber. If his face wasn't swollen, his knuckles not bruised, I could believe he's innocent.

"I take it you're one of his friends?" The short nurse, Aster asks.

After what he did to Crimson, can I even call him my friend? Should I? "Yeah." The word tumbles out before I can dwell on it. "Do the sedatives usually last this long?"

"They actually wore off shortly after Four brought him here. He's woken up a couple times, but he's slept pretty consistently throughout the day."

"That's probably more sleep than he's gotten in a while." Almost every night, I hear him slip out of the room to go wander, to smoke, whatever he does instead of sleeping. "Hey, umm, can I tell you something? It's about Ash."

"Of course." Aster nods.

"We, uhh, think he's on drugs. He's been acting… different lately." I press my palm against the glass. "Is that even allowed?"

"Well, drugs themselves aren't disallowed, since some initiates need them for existing conditions. However, it's not uncommon for initiates or members with prescriptions to sell them to others. If we find anything in his system, we'll conduct an investigation to figure out who supplied him."

"Will he get in trouble?"

"Ash? No, it's unlikely that they'd kick him out for something like that. Dauntless is suffering from a population crisis, and he's a promising candidate. The punishment for whoever's supplying him depends on the motive. If it's just money, it'll likely result in them working in the factionless sector for a while, assuming they don't already work there. Something like fixing the rankings for gambling purposes, however…That would be worse." Aster shrugs. "Regardless, it's unlikely it would blow back Ash, unless he does anything else illegal."

"Is fighting in the cafeteria illegal?" I ask.

Aster laughs softly. "No, that happens at least twice a week." He looks over at me. "Ash will be fine. I promise. I'll leave you to it."

I nod as he walks away. I'm glad Ash is getting some sleep, but it's odd seeing him look so peaceful. Once the initial thrill of joining Dauntless wore off, I don't think he's been at peace. He's always been restless, even when he was able to mask it with a calm face, a cigarette between his lips. I haven't watched him smoke, and the idea is oddly appealing. Maybe it's just because I like looking at his lips.

I shouldn't be attracted to him after what he did. He should repulse me, but he doesn't. Despite everything, he still fascinates me. He's still the moon, brilliant and icy and distant.

How would Crimson feel about me still admiring him? Does he know? He has to know, and he still looks at me with that warmth in his eyes. He's okay with it.

Am I okay with it? Do I really need multiple people in my life? Shouldn't Crimson be enough? Yet here I am, worrying over Ash. And then Fin's in the mix too, and I'm still trying to figure out how to feel about him.

I sigh and look at Ash one last time before leaving.

0-0-0-0-0

Eric is there to watch us fight, which means Crimson can't sit this one out. I scan the list to see who he's fighting, and my name is right next to his.

Does Eric know? Is this a cruel joke?

Ash never shows up, which means Tris is off the hook for today. I wish I could say something, and I probably should, but it's already our turn to fight.

"Hey, it's okay. Just get one good hit to my face and I'll go down." Crimson whispers, rubbing my arm. "Easy points for you."

But who cares about points when it's Crimson across from me in the ring?

I should stop this right now, call off the fight and take whatever punishment Eric gives me. My lips almost form the words before an awful thought stops me. What if he punishes Crimson instead? I certainly wouldn't put it past him. I didn't see Christina dangled over the Chasm, but I hear her quiet sobs at night. I'm certain I could survive if I had to, but there's no way Crimson could, especially in the state he's in.

"C'mon, hit me!" Crimson raises his fists.

I can't do it. I can't hurt him, I-

Crimson's fist collides with my stomach. "Come on, you cowardT For once in your life, put your own needs above someone else's!"

Now's really not the time to be worried about that. I don't need to win this one. I'm doing fine, I can-

His knuckles hit my jaw. "Come on, man, just put me out of my misery!" Tears are streaming down his face, and he's barely holding back whimpers every time he moves. Is hurting him once to prevent future pain justifiable. "Please, Shuî. Please." His voice is so weak, and I know I have to act.

I palm strike him in the face, and he hits the ground with no protest.

0-0-0-0-0

I can't bring myself to eat lunch with the group. I know they'd all reassure me that I did what I had to, that everything's going to be okay, but it's not. I already feel awful fighting anyone at full strength, and seeing an already broken Crimson begging me to hurt him shook me to my core.

Instead, I take my lunch up to the dorm. It's empty, which is both relieving and oddly disappointing. As much as I dread seeing Ash, I'd appreciate knowing where he is. I miss having him in my orbit, always feeling his presence.

It's quiet, so quiet it almost reminds me of home. Despite all the suffering I endured, I still miss the simplicity. I knew the rules, the customs, my own place in at all. Leaving that behind meant I lost what little sense of self I had.

"Ah, there you are!" The door swings open, and Fin ducks under the doorframe. "Fun fact, Crimson forgot to tell me what dorm you guys are in, so I totally just walked in on a threesome in the one next door."

"What are you doing here?" Of course he'd come to check on me.

"Your friends said you were doing rough after your fight with Crimson, and given the circumstances, I assume they didn't mean physically."

I shrug and set down my sandwich. I don't really know what to say.

He sits down on the bed next to me, his weight sinking the mattress down and almost making me fall into him. Once I've stabilized myself, he places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. "Hey, bud, don't fall into that trap of not sharing your feelings because you want to seem brave or whatever. Trust me, talking about what's on your mind is one of the bravest things you can do."

"I just don't want to be a burden." I set my plate next to me. I've had enough food, I'll be fine.

Fin's expression softens a bit as he pulls his legs up onto the bed, criss-crossing them as he turns to face me. "Bruh, I literally came to you. You're not- you'll never be a burden to me." He breaks eye contact briefly as he rubs the back of his neck. "So yeah, tell me what's up."

Why does he even care so much? "It's probably going to sound stupid to someone like you."

"Dude, I literally just walked in on a bunch of lesbians fucking, nothing you say's gonna be weird to me."

I take a deep breath. "I should have surrendered when I was fighting Crimson. I shouldn't have hurt him like I did. It feels cowardly to pick on someone who's already hurt."

"Well, I wouldn't necessarily call it 'picking on', given that you had to, but…" He rests his cheek on his palm. "It's good that you feel bad though. A lot of people wouldn't even give it a second thought, like-" I know he's about to say Ash, but he thinks better about it. "The fact that you're being dragged through hell and still have a moral compass is honestly impressive."

"It shouldn't be impressive, though. I failed to stand up for Crimson."

"And how much do you want to bet that Eric would retaliate on Crimson instead of you?" Fin raises an eyebrow. At least he has the same read on Eric that I did. "And sure, you could've knocked him out immediately instead of drawing it out a couple punches, but I don't blame you for being hesitant, you know? That's what all this training is for: to teach you how to react in the face of danger."

I sigh. "I still feel awful."

"Yeah, this shit fucking sucks, I don't blame you one bit." His smile is soft, no teeth, just slightly smeared black lipstick. "But sometimes you do have to protect yourself. You can't help other people if they throw you off the Chasm, you know?"

"I guess."

"Can I tell you something too?" He tilts his head a little more, looking down briefly to the bed before looking back into my eyes. "I don't think any of my friends would give a second thought to fighting me while I'm injured. Sure, maybe it's because they know I could still kick their asses even when I'm not in peak condition-" He chuckled to himself a bit, flashing those sharp teeth for just a moment. "But if it was someone like Crimson? I don't know if any of them would hesitate. The fact that you're regretting it is really fuckin' admirable, man."

I can't help but smile just a bit. "Again, it really shouldn't be that impressive. I'm nothing special."

"Dude, never say that. You're amazing."

And then Fin kisses me, and I couldn't have expected anything less. He's a lot more restrained than I would've assumed, but the surprise makes me unable to lean into it.

He breaks the kiss after a moment, his eyes wide and his cheek beginning to flush. "Holy shit, did I misread the situation?"

It takes a few seconds for words to climb up my throat. "Uh, maybe just a little, yeah?"

"Fuck, man, I'm sorry." He stands up and pushes his curly hair out of his eyes. "Do you just not like me like that at all, or?"

I can't even make eye contact as my cheeks heat up. "I'm still trying to figure all this out. It may be better to, uh, maybe talk about it when I'm not having a moral crisis?" I don't want to close that door completely, because I do admire him, I really do, but I don't know if that's how I feel about him.

"Yeah, yeah, that's absolutely fair, take all the time you need." He takes a minute to compose himself. "I'll let you bring it up whenever you're ready, yeah?"

"Sounds good." I nod.

"Seriously, though, don't forget that a moral compass is one of your most powerful abilities." He opens the door and looks back at me one last time. "You're a good person, Shuî. Don't doubt yourself so much, you know?"

"Thanks, Fin."

He flashes that grin before leaving me alone. How am I supposed to stop doubting myself when the doubt is what let's me improve?

0-0-0-0-0

It's a couple days later, and Crimson won't let me feel guilty about hurting him. After all, it's not my fault he was injured. Why won't he just let me feel bad so I can move on? He keeps bringing it up, and I just feel awful for wanting him to shut up. I can't smile back at him when his lips are bruised because of me.

I was too tired to shower last night, so I have to shower in the morning. I don't like showering with other people, but I have to. Luckily, it's just Edward and Al, so I don't have to worry about any awkwardness.

And of course I forgot my clothes in the bedroom. I'm already out of rhythm with Ash being flung out of orbit and my guilt towards Crimson, it makes sense that my routine would be disrupted.

When I slip into the bedroom, towel wrapped around my waist, the first thing I hear is Tris's steady voice saying "Get away from me."

Peter and his gang have Tris cornered by her bed. "This isn't the Hub, you know. No one has to follow a Stiff's orders here." The way he looks at her makes my skin crawl, and my voice wells up in my throat before I can think.

"Hey, leave her alone!"

Tris gives me a thankful look, then glances at the door, eyeing her escape route.

Peter looks up at me with a smirk. "Didn't you hear what I just said? Shut up, Stiff."

"Look at her," says Molly, crossing her arms and matching his smirk. "She's practically a child."

"Oh, I don't know," says Drew. "She could be hiding something under that towel. Why don't we look and see?"

"Hey!" I step between Tris and the others. "I'm not a Stiff, and I told you to leave her alone!" I really just intervened without a plan, didn't I? My mind flits through possibilities before I ask myself: 'What would Fin do?'

No, that wouldn't work, would it? Would it? It might, but I don't know if-

It would work, I just don't know if I have the confidence to do it. I'm not like Fin. I'm not a raging wildfire, passionate and self assured and beautiful. I am the Earth, the waves on the shore, but I can still make an impact.

I tilt my chin up, set my jaw, and straighten my posture. "You really want to see a naked stiff?" Well, no going back now. "Fine, here you go!"

And then I throw off my towel, extending my arm so Peter can't grab at Tris as she runs away.

This was a mistake. I should not have done this.

"Wow, you're even skinnier than she is." Peter smirks. Molly's too busy laughing to say anything snarky, and Drew's averting his eyes. Peter looks me up and down, eyes catching on every flaw. "It's like I can count every bone in your body. And really, if you're going to expose yourself to someone, you should probably have more than… that."

This was a mistake, but I can't back down now. What would Fin say?

"What, you got something better?" Is the reason Fin can act so fiery because of the heat constantly rising to his cheeks? How can he be this was without constant embarrassment?

Peter chuckles. "Nah, I think you've done a good enough job at humiliating yourself. Come on, guys, we should probably get something to eat." They walk past me, and as Peter passes me, he slaps my ass. "Least you've got something decent on your body."

"Fuck off, Peter." I have to keep my voice steady, my posture straight. I can't let them see me embarrassed. They can't know they got to me. I turn to watch them leave, and I realize Ash is leaning against the doorway, staring at me with those eyes made of ice.

"That was, uh, brave of you." Ash coughs a bit once Peter's group leaves. His eyes don't move from my face, and I realize this is the first time he's looked at me since Capture the Flag.

"Something like that." I exhale.

"You, uh, should probably put on some clothes." He looks to the side, the faintest splash of red appearing on his cheeks.

"Right, right." I grab my clothes from their spot under Crimson's bed and hastily put on my underwear. I glance back at Ash, his his stare is focused at a spot on the wall away from me.

"So, uh, are you still beating yourself up over Crimson?" He asks as I put my pants on. "I, uh, heard what happened."

I stay silent for a moment, trying to find the right words. "I always feel bad hurting someone who's weaker than me."

He raises an eyebrow. "Is that what you really think of him?" He looks right into my eyes, freezing me from the inside out. "Don't underestimate him. He can handle much more than anyone else gives him credit for."

It takes me a moment to clamor for a response. "You still didn't need to kick him when he was begging you to stop."

He looks to the ground, a strange emotion flashing on his face. Shame? "I know." His voice is soft, and I half wonder if I imagined it. He coughs. "I should go. Sorry to bother you."

"Wait-" I say, but I can't find words to continue that sentence. The part of me that still wants to act like Fin whispers 'Did you at least like what you saw?' but I know that would be an awful idea. Now's not the time to flirt. With him, will there ever be a time to flirt? Or has that ship sailed?

He opens his mouth like he's going to say something, but then shakes his head and walks out.

The moment I'm alone, it's like I can finally breathe again. From the heat of embarrassment and the ice from Ash's eyes, I'm left exhausted and disoriented. I collapse down onto Crimson's bed and bury my face in my hands. What the hell did I just do? Even two weeks ago, I couldn't imagine doing anything like that. Sure, I could imagine standing up for someone, and I could even imagine myself getting into a fight if I had to, but getting naked at my problems wasn't something I ever thought would happen.

What is Dauntless doing to me?

0-0-0-0-0

A/N so high key i'd had this idea ever since my first draft (well, first draft that made it past chapter two. this is technically my fourth rewrite, though the second draft was basically the same as the first draft I uploaded, The Secrets We Keep, but in third person and bad. The very first one had Shuî as the main character and the only other thing I had planned was Crimson throwing himself into the chasm, and I only got like 200 words into it before moving on) but yeah, I still can't believe I'd actually done it, you know? I came up with the idea as a dumb joke but last time I got drunk i remembered it and thought it was the best idea ever so yeah.

A bit of clarifying on last author's note. I did know from the beginning that Ash would betray Crimson. I have everyone's trajectories roughly planned out, though things may change, but yes, I did have plans for Ash. I just didn't know it would be drugs until my fingers hit the keyboard.

Also, someone asked about Stage Three in a comment, and FF doesn't let me message guests, so I'll just type it out here. So, in the movie, they only had two stages, the fighting and the fear landscape stuff. The book actually splits it into three. The first stage is still fighting, the second is when they go through one fear a day unaware that they're in a simulation (unless you're Divergent lol), and then the third stage is when they do the Fear Landscape, where they are aware that it's a simulation. I will be writing all four of my OC's Fear Landscapes in full and I'll probably have nightmares during that writing. Hopefully that's motivation to write them all fast.

Anyway, so yay, I'm starting a new job next week, but that'll probably mean I have less time for writing while I'm at work, but I'll be working less hours, so I'll hopefully be able to write more. I also got a new laptop, so now I have a fully working keyboard lol. Don't expect more, since I have a fundamentally procrastinating person, but hopefully I can pick up the pace. Thanks again for reading, and I always love hearing your thoughts.

God, it's been over a year since I started this rewrite. I really need to pick up the pace if I want to make it all the way to book three lol.