Chapter 18
"So, a little bird told me you flashed someone to stop them from assaulting someone else." Fin smirks as he sits down next to Shuî.
"Wait, what?" I let out a snort of laughter at the ridiculousness of it. I knew something had happened this morning, given Tris going hogwild on Molly and Peter's leering at Shuî, but I didn't expect- "Wait, Shuî you flashed Peter?"
He lets out a guttural groan as he buries his face in his hands. "Yeah, don't remind me."
"Honestly, that's exactly the kind of shit I'd do." Fins claps Shuî on the back. "I'm proud of you, bud. Probably scared him off with your massive c-"
"Please stop." Shuî groans.
"What, I was just going to say 'courage'." Fin chuckles.
"No, you weren't." Everyone except for Shuî and Tris says at once.
"Damn, I've sat with y'all like four times and you guys have me all figured out." He smiles to himself. "Real talk, though, you're as Dauntless as they come, Shuî. I'm so fucking proud of you."
"Thanks, that means a lot." His face is beet red when he pulls his hands away. Still, a smile creeps up his face.
"INFINITY ALDRIC PERKINS!" Oh my god, that's the loudest shout I've ever heard. I look around to find the source and notice how pale Fin just got.
"Uh, fuck guys, gotta go!" Fin scrambles out of his seat. "It's, uh, been nice knowing you guys!"
"Wait, is everything okay?" I ask.
"Your middle name's Aldric?" Christina asks, which is honestly a more pressing question.
"Don't you dare run away, Fin!" I turn and finally see the source of the voice. She's much shorter than I imagined, a few inches shorter than me, with wild purple hair framing her tan face. At first, I think she's a child, but the deep wrinkles in her forehead prove me wrong.
"Hey, Mom, you sound kind of angry." He rubs the back of his neck. "What's up?"
Wait, that's his mom?! My eyes flip back and forth between them, and looking at their faces, I can see it, but… How? There's a two foot height difference between them. How on Earth did that happen?
"Have you been taking your medication?" She demands.
"Of course! Lynn told me you told her to break my jaw if I refused!" He runs his hand through his hair. "Is this about Ash or something? Because I promise if he's doing drugs, it's not my fault."
She narrows her eyes. They're not blue like his, instead a dark brown, but they're a similar shape. "You sure about that? Because there's at least seven kids this year getting drugs from somewhere."
Seven? I don't know if I'm reassured that Ash isn't the only one to fall prey to it or if I'm terrified that this is happening to other people.
"Yes, Mom, I promise! Why would I even do that anyway? I'm aiming for the top, I don't need to give anyone an advantage."
"You could be trying to get them kicked out." She raises an eyebrow.
"Ma, do you really think I'm smart enough to think of that?" He grins sheepishly.
"I think you're a lot smarter than you let on." She gives him one last glare before putting on a smile and turning to us. "Hi! You all must be Fin's new friends! I've heard so much about you guys!" She claps her hands together. "I'm Infinity's mother and Dauntless's Lead Investigator, Plumeria Perkins!"
"Nice to meet you, Ms. Perkins." I bow my head a little, not entirely sure how to respond to her sudden change in attitude.
"Okay, so is Fin adopted or something?" Christina asks. Of course she'd blurt out what's probably on everyone's mind.
Ms. Perkins bursts out laughing. "Oh, fuck no, I had to give birth to him! Let me tell you, he really ripped me a new one!" It's so strange hearing someone's mom drop an f-bomb so casually, and I don't even want to think about- Birth has always disgusted me. Even before I realized I was a boy, I knew I'd never give birth.
"Okay, okay, if you're done questioning me, it's probably time to go. Visiting Day isn't for a couple weeks, you know?" He laughs awkwardly.
"Aww, are you embarrassed by your dear mother? Trust me, I could be way worse." She cackles.
"I know, I know." His face is redder than Shuî's as he groans.
She smirks. "Come on, let me give you a kiss."
Fin rolls his eyes. "Come on, Mom."
"Fin." That authoritative tone is back.
"Ugh, fine." He kneels down on one knee, and even at that height, he's taller than her. I don't think I've ever seen him embarrassed.
She plants a quick kiss on his cheek. "Love you, you bastard."
"Yeah, love you too, Mom." He's grinning as she pulls away. "We still good for dinner on Friday?"
"Of course. Your brother's dying to hear how well you're doing." She claps his shoulder before turning on her heel. "Just please remember to shower after training's done. I had to clean your sweat off our couch. last time." She flashes another smirk before turning to us. "And if any of you ever need someone to talk to, please let me know. I understand how hard transferring can be, so I'm here if you ever need any motherly advice." She gives us a quick wave before spinning on her heel and heading out of the Canteen.
Fin groans as he flops back into his seat. "God, I'm so sorry you had to meet the ol' bat like that."
"You two have an… interesting relationship." Will says after a moment.
Fin smiles a little underneath his embarrassment. "Yeah, she's fucking great, love her to death. Just… man, she fucking went straight for the throat there."
"Maybe it's just karma." Shuî hums, picking as his vegetables.
Fin's eyes snap over to him. "Learning some sass, are we?" Amusement pulls at his lips. "Though, yeah, I did kinda deserve it."
As the embarrassment subsides, I can't stop but linger on what his mom said. 'I think you're a lot smarter than you let on'.. Sure, I know most parents want to believe their children are smarter than they are. My mom assured me that I was plenty smart, even if I didn't have the same opportunities that Ash did. But the 'let on' part is what bothers me. Is she implying he's just playing dumb? Dumb isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe him. Unfocused and flighty at times, sure, but his mom just confirmed he has ADHD, which makes a whole lot of sense.
Maybe it's just her saying she believes in him. He laughs about something Christina says, and I decide to put that thought to rest. I already have enough on my mind with Ash. In order to keep my sanity, I have to trust someone.
0-0-0-0-0
The party's in two days, and I'm still trying to figure out what to wear. It shouldn't matter that much, but I don't know. Maybe I just want to impress people.
I can tell Shuî's bothered by the vanity of it all, even if he's hiding it. At least he's not preaching at me like those Stiffs outside the doctor's office when I got my birth control.
Regardless, even if he's trying not to be judgemental, I can tell he's bored as he waits for me outside the changing room.
My next outfit is definitely a little more risque than I intended. I know the top would be skimpy, but I didn't realize how much of my stomach it would expose. It's a red and black checkered tank top, and I didn't realize how cropped it was until I put it on. It looks good, and covers a surprise amount of cleavage. I'd rather a shirt be stomach skimpy than it skimpy.
My black shorts are high waisted, and I'm wearing fishnets underneath. I got new shoes too, big platform boots that make me four inches taller. I spin on my heal to make sure the outfit looks okay from behind, and god damn.
Did my ass always look this good?
My legs in general just look amazing. Maybe all the fighting was worth it. Nah, an ass like this isn't worth the violence. Though, if I have to fight anyway…
I've never been in love with the way I look. Even beyond the dysphoria, I've always had insecurities. Never really anything crippling, or at least as intense as the academic pressure, but I never really looked at myself in the mirror when I wasn't putting makeup on. I definitely never focused on my body this much.
It's funny, since I've left the faction of pride and vanity, I've become more proud and vain.
Still, despite how great I look, I'm a bit scared to walk out in something like this. Tight, skimpy clothing would never fly in Erudite, and even if it did, I can't imagine wearing it. Oh, god, imagining the shock on my parents face makes me want to die.
I wonder, if they even come on Visiting Day, will they even recognize me?
That doesn't matter. I'm in Dauntless now. I don't have to care what anyone thinks.
But I do care what people think. I always have, and I always will.
But god damn it, I like the way I look. That's all the matters.
I pull back the curtain to the changing stall. "You like?"
Shuî's face goes red. "I- uh…"
"Aww, I've never left someone speechless before." I chuckle. I try and step forward, but man these shoes have a learning curve. Heels? Not great, but I can walk. These are just weighted so differently. I almost stumble, but Shuî stands up and catches me.
Oh. He's not looking at me. I raise an eyebrow. "Too much?"
"It's just… I know we're in Dauntless at all, but it feels wrong seeing you so…"
"I mean, it's not like you haven't seen me naked before."
I swear I can feel the heat radiating off his face. "I, uh, no, I haven't."
Oh. "I mean, we've showered in the same room and stuff. Have you, uh, not looked?"
His eyes widen. "Of course not! Have you?"
Oh god, that sounded really bad. "I mean, I haven't, like, perved on you or anything, but, like, I've seen you in my peripheral vision." Fuck, people are staring at us. I grab his wrist and drag him back into the changing room, closing the curtains for even an inch of privacy. "Like, I'm not like Peter, I don't stare at people or anything, I just-" There's no way to make this sound good, is it.
Shuî's takes a couple deep breaths. "Okay, that's… sorry." He shakes his head. "It's just weird that people have seen me... you know."
I bite my lip. If he can't even say the word 'naked', he's definitely not ready for sex. Am I ready, or am I just desperate to at least get that out of the way before I become factionless?
"Got it." I have to know the answer for sure, though. "So, uh, I assume that means you're not ready for, uh…"
Shuî shakes his head, and my heart sinks. "It's not anything to do with you. Trust me, you're…" He finally looks at me, his eyes trying not to linger on any particular body part. "You're amazing. And… taller?" He shakes his head again. "Anyway, it's not you. It's me."
I never thought I'd actually hear that phrase out loud, but here we are. I almost laugh at the cliche, but manage to hold it together. Still, it stings. Does this count as a rejection? Does he think he'll be ready eventually? Do I even want to push this?
No, I'm not pushing this any further. I like him a whole lot, and sure, I'd love for my first time to be with him, but that's not realistic. I might have less than two weeks until I'm kicked out, so I don't have the luxury of time. And even beyond that, I just want to not be a virgin anymore.
If sex is all I want, that'll be easy here in Dauntless. Especially since I'm apparently smokin' hot. I catch another glance at myself in the mirror, and daaaamn.
Everything will be fine.
"Hey, Shuî, you want to go get those flower tattoos we talked about last time?" Because that's the best way to heal emotional pain: physical pain.
Shuî let's out a breath I didn't realize he was holding. "Yeah, sounds good."
0-0-0-0-0
People stare at us as we walk. Well, I guess they're staring at me. Are they? I know this outfit's attention grabbing and all, but it's not that out there for Dauntless.
I cling onto Shuî's arm, mostly so that I don't stumble. The platform boots are super cute, but not practical for the winding trails of Dauntless.
We arrive down at the tattoo parlor. It's moderately busy, but I've peeked in when it's packed. We go back to the column where we found the stencils before, and thankfully, everything's still where it was.
Shuî catch's one of the older tattoo artist's (I think her name's Tori) eyes. "Hey, uh, this may sound weird, but I don't really want to have my shirt off in front of a bunch of people if I can help it, so, uh, I want to see if I can get one of the private rooms."
"Oh, uh, okay." I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm still a little disappointed. I'd kinda hoped we'd get them together. "Yeah, that's fine."
And so, I watch him walk off and talk to Tori. I lean against the column and sigh. God, he's weird sometimes.
"Crimson!"
I jump and turn around. Holy shit, I haven't talked to Myra in ages! "Hey, how's it going?"
"These past couple weeks have been intense. Mostly good intense, though." Myra's smile is as sweet as ever. "Though, I bet your's have been even more hectic, with the whole 'new boyfriend' thing. Or is it boyfriends? I can't tell."
I shrug. "Honestly, your guess is as good as mine." Should I have that conversation with them? Does it really matter at this point? "Are you getting a tattoo?"
"Oh, yeah, I want to get a snake wrapped around my arm! I've always really liked them." She doesn't strike me as a snake girl, but then again, I don't know her all that well. "What are you getting?"
I hold up the stencil. "Was thinking this on my shoulder blade." I entertained the idea of getting on my right thigh, but that's the side I sleep on, and I don't want to switch sides while it heals.
"Aww, that's super pretty!"
"Are you guys ready?" Holy shit, does Rex make it a point to come up behind me every time? I need to learn not to jump at anything that startles me.
We hold up our stencils. "Yep, sure are!"
Rex looks at the snake stencil, then at Myra. "Yeah, your idea's cooler, I'll do yours." He smirks a little before calling out. "Hey, Bud, I have another flower tattoo for you!"
I learned something today: there's an odd catharsis in sharing pain with someone else. Myra holds my hand as we get our tattoos, and I feel like my hand's going to break from how tightly she's squeezing, but it's okay. I'm probably squeezing too hard too.
The pain itself is already worth it, since I'm left with beautiful art on my skin, but there's something special about sharing it with another person.
I wish I'd shared it with Shuî, though. I get it, I do, but I just… I don't even know, I just want him to get better. I know that's going to take a lot of time and therapy, and I can't just kiss him and make it better, but goddamn it, I wish I could save him.
0-0-0-0-0
A/N: I have no excuses for how long this took other than I was writing other stuff. Plotted out an entire Cyberpunk Stripper AU that I'll probably never actually write except for a few scenes. Also have another short story set in this universe that I'm working on. No ETA, it often takes me months to finish shit.
Don't try to fix boys. That's not how things work. Crimson isn't a role model, and this ain't Fruits Basket.