It's the night of the party, and there's a bubble in my chest that just won't pop. I'm wearing the outfit I picked out a couple days ago, but after all the stares I got just walking to the tattoo parlor, I don't know if I could deal with all that attention all night.
I stare at myself in the mirror. I did my makeup bolder than ever, with a red smokey eye and black lipstick. I look so different than I did even last month.
No, I can't do the skimpy. At least not at first. I put on a long sleeved shirt with large zigzags cut out at the armholes. There's similar cutouts at the bottom, and it goes down last my shorts. Does this count as a dress? I raise my arms up, and it raises up to where you can see that I'm at least wearing something underneath. Not a dress. Well, I guess it could be, but that's not what I'm calling it, damn it.
"I think my nails are dry?" Shuî calls from the other room. I walk back out of the bathroom and see him holding his fingers by the fan. He looks up at me, and the eyeliner is already smudged on one eye. "Also, uh, my eye itched, did I mess up my makeup?"
"Just a little." I reach up and smudge the other eye. "There we go. I think you look more Dauntless this way, anyway."
Fuck, his smile's precious. I could stare at him all day.
"So, you ready to go?" I ask, linking his arm with mine.
"Ready as I'll ever be." Damn, that tight athletic shirt looks good on him. Then again, everything looks great on him.
So, arm in arm, we make our way down to the Pit. I see Fin leaning on the railing by the Chasm, but it takes me a second to recognize him. His hair's purple now, and he's wearing a short-ass skirt. Like, dam, not much is left to the imagination. He's also wearing fishnets and platform boots like me (Why does he need platform boots if he's already super tall?), and he also has thigh high black and purple striped socks. He wears a leather jacket, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was nothing underneath.
"You guys look great!" He grins as we approach.
"So do you!" It's an odd look, sure, and I never pictured Fin in a skirt, but you know what? It works for him.
"Yeah, I like your…" Shuî struggles for a second. "Hair."
"What, you've never seen a hot guy in a skirt?" Fin smirks.
"I've never seen any guys in a skirt. Abnegation had pretty strict rules on gendered clothing."
"Well, gender is for losers." Fin spins on his heel and starts heading towards wherever we're going. "C'mon, boys! Let's get shwasted!"
This is going to be an experience, isn't it?
As we approach the apartment, I can already feel the bass of whatever song is playing. While I can't make out any other instruments, the rythmn is far different than anything I've ever heard. The closer we get, the more it shakes through me, and th wider my grin gets.
"What is what?" Shuî asks.
Fin wraps his hand around the doorknob. "That, my friend-" he opens the door. "Is music."
I take a peek into the apartment, and holy shit. For one, it's much larger than I was expecting. Is hair cutting that lucrative? Anyway, it's packed to the brim with people dancing to the music.
"C'mon, let's get you guys some alcohol." Fin grabs me by the hand, and I grab Shuî's as he leads us through the crowd. We end up in the kitchen, where I see more alcohol than I've ever seen in one place.
"You're late, Fin." Marona smirks as they -wait, her bracelet's pink. She- turns around.
"Nah, everyone else is early. What are you doing bartending at your own party?"
Marona laughs. "What can I say, it's my passion. I was going to teach Gaia so she could take over for me, but then she left and all that." For the first time, Marona frowns.
"Wait, y'all know Gaia?" How was that whole thing only a couple weeks ago? It feels like it's been months.
"Hell yeah, she was one of our best friends! She was almost Fin's stepsister, actually, but their moms broke up. Wait, how do you know each other?"
"We met her in Amity, actually. She helped us when Shuî passed out from heat exhaustion." Then Four accused us of sneaking off to have sex with her, then Shuî and I actually kissed, and man, that was a weird day. A good day, don't get me wrong, but definitely strange.
"Yeah, that sounds like her. Small city, am I right?" Fin grins.
Despite no aptitude for Erudite, my mind instantly sets off trying to figure out the exact odds of meeting someone in another faction. Amity's the largest faction with around seventy thousand, nearly half of the population in all of the factions, so theoretically I have a one in seventy thousand chance of meeting a particular person in Amity. But then I have to factor in how many people are Initiates or staff I'd interact with, my likelihood to seek out new people, their likelihood to seek out new people, and-
"Come on, let's do some shots!" Fin yells, breaking me out of my trance.
Well, you can take the boy out of Erudite, but you can't take the Erudite out of the boy. Even if said boy had no natural inclination towards Erudite. Man, nature versus nurture is such an interesting topic. If Erudite wasn't so high pressure, maybe I'd have-
"Ooh, should we just out the absinthe?" Marona smirks.
I almost throw up at the thought. I've never been drunk, only the ocassional glass of wine with my mom, but I've done extensive research. You know, for curiosity sake. I glance over at Shuî, and he just looks confused.
"God, Marona, I always forget how much of a fucking sadist you are." He leans forward towards her, bracing his arms on either side. "It's kinda turning me on." He kisses her deeply. God damn it, it doesn't even surprise me anymore.
"Hey, now, we'll have plenty of time for this later." Marona giggles. "For now, you think vodka or tequila?"
"Oh, definitely vodka. Tequila's fucking nasty."
"Yet you drink it every time." Marona grins as she pours a bottle of clear fluid into four shot glasses. A bit spills, but since I'm assuming she's already drunk some, she's doing better than I would sober. She pushes two towards us. "Here you go. Don't sip it, don't smell it, just tip it back and make sure as little hits your tongue as possible. On three?"
I can tell by the face Shuî's making that he definitely smelt it. I'm sure it smells like nail polish remover. It burns my nose without me even trying to smell it.
"One." I hold up my glass. I can do this. "Two." I hold it up to my lips. "Three!"
I tip it back, and holy fuck, that's awful. It takes all my effort not to spit it back out. But I swallow, and everything burns. Shuî falls into a coughing fit next to me, and Marona and Fin both cackle in delight.
"Hey, you guys are doing better than Fin did his first shot. He puked so fucking hard." Marona chuckles as she goes to the fridge. "Here, let me get you guys something better."
"Hey, I was already sick, shut up!" Fin laughs, clearly not offended. "Seriously though, guys, the first is always the worst."
Marona hands us bottles filled with something reddish-purple. I look at the label. Mixed berry lemonade flavored. "Those should do you much better. Just stick to one or two an hour and you won't get too wasted.
I open it up and take a sip. Much better. It mostly tastes like soda, actually. I take another drink, and I can definitely taste the alcohol more this time. Still, it's not near as bad as the vodka.
"You boys ready to party?" Fin chuckes after doing a second shot.
"Ready as I'll ever be." Shuî says. How's he already halfway through the bottle?
Fin leads us back out into the crowd. The music's so loud, and I can barely hear anything else. Voices blend together in a chorus or screams and laughter. My hips automatically start swaying in sync with the music.
"Fuck, there's more people here than I thought there'd be." Fin yells as he looks around. "Oh, fuck, it's Elijah! Haven't talked to him in months!" He starts towards someone I can't see in the crowd. I try to follow him, but the mass of bodies blocks my way. I've never been great at navigating crowds.
What do you even do at parties? Talk to strangers? Everyone seems to be in their own groups. I look over at Shuî, and he's just as uncomfortable as I am.
"Let me guess, Fin ditched you on accident?" I turn to the voice, and surprisingly, it's Lynn.
"Yeah."
"Don't worry, he does all this all the time. Come on." She leads us over to a couch, where Marlene and Uriah are thumb wrestling. "Hey, guys, found a couple of Fin's strays."
Marlene cracks into a grin. "Hey, guys, welcome to the party!"
Has the music gotten quieter? "Good to see you, Marlene."
As she starts to say something else, Uriah beats her in their game. "Don't get distracted, dumbass."
Marlene lets out a yell of frustration that quickly melts onto laughter. "That's, what, the fifth time you've won?"
"Sixth, actually."
Marlene stands up. "Fine, I give up. Hey, Crimson, Shuî, you guys want to dance?"
"I'm good, thank you though."
You know what? Fuck it. Sure. "Sounds awesome!"
She takes my hand and walks me through the crowd. I thought we'd have to fight to get in, but she parts the crowd and opens a path with just her smile. I shouldn't be drunk already, but maybe that shot was stronger than I was anticipating. It feels like we're gliding, and then she suddenly stops. I bump into her, and my stomach does a flip.
She takes my hands and places them on her waist. She pulls me close, and my breath hitches in my throat. Fuck, she's so pretty. Not that I can focus on her, since someone turned on a strobe light. Flashes of silhouettes flood my vision, and I have to close my eyes. The bass pumps through my body, carrying my heartbeat with it, and I lose myself in the music.
Someone else's hands join Marlene's and start exploring my body. The rational part of my brain tells me to look at who it is, but does it matter? Do I really have to care who wants me? Every touch is shallow, catering to base instinct and nothing more.
I was never treated this way back in Erudite. Sure, they were shallow there too, but they at least hid it by valuing intellect. And who would care to even look at me when my brother existed? He was -is, he's still alive- smart and handsome, and back in Erudite, I was neither. Here, I'm finally noticed.
I lean back into whoever's grabbing me, swaying to the beat.
I don't know how many hands pass over my body, how my bodies mine touch. I don't open my eyes once, and I just let the crowd guide me. The smell of sweat and cologne and alcohol fills my lungs, laughter and music bleeding together in my ears. I lose track of where my body ends and where the rest of Dauntless, and for once, I truly belong somewhere.
Stiff hands touch my shoulders, fingertips grazing down my arm, unsure.
I don't need to open my eyes to know it's Shuî, but I still do. After all, he's my boyfriend, of course I want to look at him.
"You can touch me however you want, it's okay." I say, answering the question I know he won't ask.
"I don't think that's such a great idea." He shakes his head, and his body begins to sway. Oh, shit, is he actually, like, drunk drunk? "Might go too far."
"There's no such thing as too far with me." That probably isn't the most helpful thing to say, but it's true. I wouldn't say no to anything, especially now when I'm high on the attention.
"I know, it's just-" He stumbles forward, and I catch him by his waist. Jeez, he's thin. "I want more than I can have, I think."
"Man, you can have anything you want. You deserve it."
Shuî takes a deep breath. "Can, can we sit down? Please?"
"Yeah, of course." I lead him back over to the couches. He sits down, not gracefully like he normally does, but flopping down like Fin does. I sit next to him. "So, uh, you good?"
Shuî shakes his head, then presses his palm to his forehead. "I need to stop doing that, my brain does flips every time. But, anyway, uh, so you said I could have anything I want?"
"Bruh, you've dealt with so much shit. You deserve literally anything you want." How could he not? He's practically perfect.
"But, uh, what if the things I want… conflict?" He rubs his thumb against his other palm.
"What do you- Oh." Ash. Right. "I mean, I'm not going to ask you to choose or anything."
"I, uh, I don't think he'd be thrilled about it, to say the least."
"Right." Right. Of course. Ash never liked sharing. Right, right. And of course Shuî would be more attracted to him than me. That's the reason this is so tough, right? Because his choice isn't the easy one.
I know I said I didn't mind that he still liked Ash, after everything. And maybe I shouldn't. But I do. I don't want to admit what Ash did was awful, but it was. I need to accept that he's not going to apologize, things aren't going to go back to normal.
I glance around, and speak of the devil. Ash is leaning against the wall, bottle in hand, eyes flitting around. He looks supremely uncomfortable. I don't know if I've ever seen him be awkward at an event.
Since when do I belong here more than he does?
"It's okay." It's a lie, but he doesn't have to know that. "It's okay if you want to choose him. I'll be fine."
I will be fine, hypothetically. I'm wanted here. Hands grabbed me all over, they must want me. Fin wants me. Hell, he directly said he prefers me to Ash. Much needed ego boost.
Where is Fin, anyway?
If Shuî feels the need to choose, it's fine. I can manage. Besides, I'm likely getting kicked out next week anyway. That choice will be made for him, so it's a waste of his time if I continue this.
It's fine. I'll be fine.
"Crimson, I-"
"Just choose him. Please." I stand up, refusing to let my hands shake, closing my eyes so that tears don't spill. Before he can respond, I walk away.
Thank God, Fin's in the kitchen, laughing with Marona. I grab onto his sleeve and bury my face in the crook of his arm.
"Hey, you good, man?" He asks, laughter tapering off.
I look up at him, and every time, I'm struck by how handsome he is. And for once, I see true concern in those sapphire eyes.
"Fuck me. Right now." The words tumble out before I can think about it, but it needed to be said.
"I mean, of course, but this is kinda sudden, and you look, uh, like you're not doin' so hot. You sure?"
I stand up straight, legs like steel. "Look, I just need to feel wanted, you know? And it's not like this is the first time I've thought about it. I've, uh, thought it a lot. I just haven't had the courage to ask."
A wry smile creeps up his face. "Alright, alright." He looks over to Marona, about to ask a question, when she interrupts.
"Yeah, yeah, you can use my room. Just clean up after yourselves." She chuckles.
"You want to join?" I blurt out.
She laughs again. "Oh, no, sweetheart, I don't fuck virgins. But have fun."
Without warning, Fin grabs me and slings me over his shoulder. I laugh as he walks out of the kitchen and to the right, down a hallway I didn't notice before. I glance back, and Shuî's talking to a boy I don't recognize. He'll be fine, and so will I.
Fin half lowers, half drops me onto the bed, and I've never wanted anything more.
His hands grab at my clothes, my skin, sending fire through my veins. His nails grip into me, maybe hard enough to draw blood, but I don't care. His lips explore my body, tongue piercing cold and his teeth just as sharp as they look.
I feel safe underneath him, like nothing can hurt me anymore. I feel warm, protected, and most importantly…
I feel wanted.
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A/N: Whoops I'm lazy as hell and barely wrote on this for two months. And I did not lan to have the Shuî/Crimson conflict come to a head here, but that's how it happened. Also yikes Crimson's insecurities really came out hard on this one. He ain't even that drunk, he has no excuse.
Let's hope the next chapter doesn't take as long lmao.