Ash's POV
When I came here, I wasn't sure whether Shuî would refuse to drink or get way too wasted. Turns out, it was the latter. It's not a surprise. Repress anyone long enough and they'll swing to the opposite side of the pendulum at the first chance.
Should I have stopped him? Eh, he's an adult. Tomorrow's hangover will help him more than I ever could.
"How's the weather up there, Daddy Long Legs?"
I flinch at the word 'Daddy'. I know that's the name of the spider and all, but geez. I look over, and the dude who said it isn't even that short. "Uh, smokey."
The guy chuckles a bit. "Yeah, some assholes smoke inside like complete idiots." He extends out his hand. "I'm Elijah. You?"
"Ash." I say, shaking his hand.
"Ah, Fin's told me about you." Oh. Great. "But I prefer to make my own judgements. So, what's a cute boy like you doing being a fucking wallflower?"
I raise an eyebrow. "Is your idea of hitting on someone really just negging them?" I take a sip of my beer.
Elijah shrugs. "It's worked for me in the past."
"Got it." I sigh and lean back against the wall. "And I'm not just being a wallflower. I'm keeping an eye on my friend." Are we friends at this point? Or has he fully fallen for Crimson's charm? I spot them dancing together, Crimson's hands on his waist as he stumbles, drunk.
"Let me guess, that's Crimson and Shuî."
"How did you know?"
"Well, Fin was supposed to introduce me to them, but he must have lost them in the crowd." Elijah chuckles again. "Though, it's strange, they're not his usual type at all."
Do I even care? "What do you mean?"
Elijah narrows his eyes. "You didn't notice? Fin's, uh, how do I say this? He's normally a bratty ass bottom, so those two are a definite departure from his normal choices."
"Oh." I don't really know what else to say.
"Well, actually, now that I'm looking at him, I'm getting strong switch vibes from Shuî."
I glare down at him. "Can you just not make sexual comments about everyone I know? Jesus Christ, dude."
Whatever Elijah's about to say stops short. I look up and see Crimson storming off, face screwed up like it always is when he's fighting tears. "Well, looks like something went wrong." Elijah comments as Shuî buries his face in his hands.
Holy shit, did they just break up?
Elijah claps my shoulder. "Now's your chance. Go sweep him off his feet."
God, why won't this guy just shut the fuck up? "Who said I was even into him?"
He cocks his head, smirk still plastered on his face. "Do you really think you're mysterious, dude?" He gives my shoulder a squeeze. "Hey, if you're not going after him, I will."
I want to punch him in the face, but I settle for a grunt as I turn and walk away. I need a cigarette, that's what I need. Should I really leave Shuî alone though?
He's an adult. He can handle himself.
I push out the door and lean against the railing overlooking the Pit. The view still makes me nauseous, but I push past it as I fish out my lighter. My hands shake as I light one up, but that tension goes away the moment I take a drag.
Why am I even here? Maybe I should just go back to the dorms and try to sleep.
"Let me guess, you hate crowds too?"
I glance over, and May's next to me, lighting a cig up of their own. They're not wearing their red contacts, revealing that their eyes are a dull brown.
"Nah, just some dude named Elijah or whatever was harassing me."
"Oh, that fucker?" May rolls their eyes. "Marona insists he's well intentioned. I just think he has nothing better to do that insert himself into random stranger's sex lives." They take a drag and sigh. "He must be good in bed or something, because that's practically the only thing they base their friendships on."
"People are shallow, what can I say?"
"Yeah." We stand in silence for a moment, letting the bass vibrate through us, before they continue. "Marona's mother was originally just the mistress, you know?"
"Oh?" I tap off the ashes and take another drag.
"Yeah. Originally, my mother tried to seduce her to give our father a taste of his own medicine, then he thought it was hot or whatever. My mother was planning to divorce his ass, but surprise surprise, Daddy couldn't wrap it up and got both of them pregnant." She scoffs.
"What's the point in telling me this?" Seriously, why does everyone keep telling me stuff I don't care about?
"Point is, I can practically smell the resentment off of you." They look me in the eyes, and they pierce into my soul. "You and Crimson are step-brothers, right?"
"Yeah, but I don't think that really changes anything. It would be the same if we were biologically related, he'd just be taller and not white." Or I'd be a short pasty redhead, which is even more cursed. "My mom died in childbirth, and I'm pretty sure Crimson is the result of a one night stand, so there's not any cheating or jealousy or anything."
"Ah." They look back across the pit. "So how'd they fuck you up, then?"
I shrug. "My parents put more pressure on me than Crimson. He was always able to charm them into thinking he was incompetent."
"Ah, so like Marona. Well, they're actually incompetent, but you know." A faint smile, not one of joy, but more familiarity, slides up her face. "So, did everyone around you guys fawn over Crimson if he fucked up, but whenever you fucked up, they went off on you?"
"Not exactly went off. More just… disappointment." Thinking of my parents being angry with me almost makes me laugh. I've seen them frustrated, sure, but never mad.
"Ah, the curse of being talented." May rolls their eyes. "Look, I'm betting a lot of people are giving you shit for beating up your brother, right?"
My lips press into a flat line. "Yeah."
"Hey, I get it. Sure, maybe you did go too far. I don't know the details. But imagine if your brother won that fight instead. You'd be eaten alive." They take another drag. "Shit's brutal. You gotta do what you can to stay afloat."
Sure. That's what all this is for. Survival.
Deep down, guilt pulls at my heart.
Can't think about that now. I have to make it into Dauntless, because a fate worse than death comes with failure.
The music quiets down. "Looks like they're setting up for Dauntless or Candor. You in?"
I tap the ashes off the end of my cigarette. "You know what? Sure, why not?"
0-0-0-0-0
The moment I step into the room, I think of a thousand reasons to turn back around and head to the dorms. This isn't a good idea. It's a childish pursuit, one that's likely to end in more trouble than it's worth, but I'm quickly realizing that's what Dauntless is all about. While I hated the rigid structure, the unyielding pressure of Erudite, the free-spirited chaos of Dauntless is too far a swing in the wrong direction.
It's almost funny how I supposedly fit into both factions, but in reality, I can't find my place in either of them.
I grab another beer to make the night more tolerable and sit in the circle. Maybe this won't be as bad as I'm imagining.
Elijah sits down next to me and claps my shoulder, and I instantly want to leave. The only thing tethering me to the circle is Shuî sitting across from me. His hand is tangled in Marlene's, and a jolt of jealousy shoots through my arteries. It quickly subsides when I see the way she looks at Lynn.
I have no right to be jealous anyway, not when I don't have the courage to sit next to him.
No, no, it's not about courage, it's about respect. He'd sit with me if he wanted to. I'm not going to force him to interact with me. I'm not a coward, I'm just considerate.
His eyes meet mine, unfocused and wide. His face is crushed, presumably from the alcohol. I can't read his expression.
Thankfully, Elijah's distracted by the bluenette of ambiguous gender on his left, so I can breathe. I glance around, and notice Fin and Crimson have disappeared. I don't want to know where they went.
After a moment, Marona stumbles into the center of the circle. "Welcome to the most hectic night of your lives!" She yells, taking a sip of berry colored alcohol, and I know it's night is going to be a beautiful hell.
It's easy to tell the Dauntless borns from the transfers. The Dauntless are wild in their dares, slinging them out like they've had them planned for months. Surprisingly, they're not all raunchy either. Most seem like inside jokes or references that go completely over my head, like chopping off hair, licking furniture, mixing alcohol with mustard and drinking it. Only the transfers answer Candor, and all the questions they ask and dares they give are lame, like kissing or talking about the one singular time you got to touch a boob.
I'm about to leave when it's Elijah's turn to ask a question after getting dared to take a shot out of his boot. I expect him to target me, but instead, he goes for the far worse option.
"Hey, Shuî, Candor or Dauntless?"
"Dauntless." Shuî says with absolutely zero hesitation.
"Alright, kiss whoever you think is the cutest in here."
The human body can survive approximately 20-30 minutes after their heart stops. I was surprised to learn that, since cinema had taught me that flatlining was the end of a human life. I'm thankful for that fact, because my own heart fucking stops the moment he looks at me.
Fuck.
He tries to stand up, but half way through, he starts to sway and sits back down. Instead, he starts crawling right towards me.
"Hey." He grins, his face only inches from mine. He steadies his arm on my shoulder. "How you doing?"
"I should be the one asking you that." I try and swallow the lump in my throat. As much as I've wanted this, it's not something I should have.
"'M doing great. Jus' great." His smile is lazy, his eyelids only half open.
"You sure about this?" I ask. His nose is touching mine, and I can smell the vodka on his breath.
"More than anything."
And then his lips crash into mine. He's off tempo, clearly drunk, and he doesn't seem to know what to do with his tongue. It's by all objective measures a bad kiss, but it's honest and needy, and most importantly, it's Shuî.
They say that drunk actions are sober thoughts, which means he's thought about this before. The fact that he instantly looked at me fills my heart, and I let myself indulge in the kiss for just a moment.
I stop myself, because I feel like if I don't, he's going to regret this.
As I pull away, his face falls into my chest. He giggles as he tries to push himself up, arm grazing my waist as he braces himself against the floor.
"Hey, uh, we should probably get some fresh air and talk about this." I try and make it sound lighthearted, because I really don't want to upset him.
"Sounds good."
I stand up, my hands clutched on his upper arms so that he comes up with me. His legs take a moment to find their place, and his chest presses against mine for support. God, I wish he was this close to me in literally any other context.
"Hey, don't forget about the game!" Elijah laughs as we make our way to the door.
"Elijah, I dare you to shove a cactus up your ass." I roll my eyes and finally, finally get us into fresh air.
Just as I think I can breathe, Shuî stumbles, pushing me into the wall. Was that an accident? Nope, he's trying to kiss me again. His lips hit my jaw, and God, I wish I was a worse person so I could enjoy this.
"Shuî." I mutter. "Maybe, uh, not now."
"No one's around."
"Shuî." I grab him by his shoulders and pull him off of me. "I'm saying no. Please?"
"Why not? You've been staring at me all night."
"Yeah, cause I was worried you'd get too drunk."
"And you stare at me all the rest of the time too."
I don't have a good answer for that. "Look, uh, you're drunk, and you're dating Crimson, and-"
"Crimson just dumped me."
Oh. "What?"
"Yeah. He didn't want me to have to choose, so he told me to choose you."
Oh. Of course he did. Crimson, kind as can be, would dump a boy so his brother can have him instead. It's like how he always offered me first choice of desserts or school supplies.
Is Shuî really as important to him as a protractor? Didn't matter if I had this one, since there was another protractor on the other room, waiting to… Draw straight lines with? I'm too drunk for metaphors.
Does this mean I'm Shuî's second choice? He's been consistently choosing him every day. Sure, I catch him stealing glances at me, but if he really wanted me, he'd approach me.
"Let's just get you home, okay?"
"Yeah, sure."
We're silent as we walk down the paths to the dorms. Too much swirls in my head, from the taste of Shuî's lips to Crimson's flippancy to the deep set guilt in my chest. I keep my arm wrapped around his ribcage to keep him from stumbling off the edge. His inhales are deep, and his exhales are fluttery, like he can't believe he managed to breathe in the first place.
We eventually reach the Chasm. "Hey, uh, one sec." He pulls away and goes to the railing, and before I can ask what's going on, he starts vomiting.
Oh.
I go over to him and brush the strands of hair that fall into his face back. His hair was almost buzzed when he first came to Dauntless, and it's already almost two inches long. Isn't the average a half an inch a month? Anyway, I rub his back, just like I've done for Will every time we snuck my dad's bourbon or Sebastian after exactly one and a half glasses of wine.
"Thank you." He mutters after he's finally done. He stays there for a moment. "You know, it's so much nicer here than in Abnegation."
"What do you mean?" I raise an eyebrow. Here? Nice?
"Yeah. Like, back in Abnegation, people help because they feel like they have to, not because they want to. Whenever someone helps here, you know they're actually, like, a good person."
Heat rises to my cheeks. "You… Think I'm a good person?" No fucking way he thinks I'm good after he saw what I did to my brother.
He looks up at me, eyes dark and surprisingly serious for someone who's wasted out of their minds. "I think you could be, if you tried."
I almost laugh with relief. I'm glad he's not naive enough to think I'm perfect now, but the idea that he believes I could me brings an odd mix of joy and melancholy to my chest.
"I think…" I don't even realize I'm talking for a moment. "That's part of the reason I can't be with you yet. Don't get me wrong, I really like you, I'm just… I have a lot going on right now. You understand?"
He nods slowly. "Yeah, I do." He starts to stand up, and I have to catch him and straighten him out. "'M sorry. My brain is full of soup."
"Let's get you to bed, then." I scoop him up into my arms, because frankly, that's easier than trying to walk with him. Every time I hold him like this, I'm amazed at how light he is.
The dorm room is already dark by the time we get back. Not that I'm surprised, we do have training in the morning. Why did we even go to this party, anyway?
I don't feel like trying to find where Shuî stores his blankets when he's not sleeping, so I just lay him in my bed. I'm probably not sleeping tonight anyway. Instead, I sit on the ground and lean against the bed pole.
I don't know what any of this is going to mean for tomorrow, or for the future. All I know is that things are changing faster than I can imagine, and it's going to get so much worse before anything gets better.
0-0-0-0-0
A/N: sorry, got stuck on the conversation with May for like two months. Once I powered though that, I was gold. And hey, now every possible combination of the main four have kissed now, so that's exciting? How's it all going to end? Dunno, probably not well. They're 16 year olds.
Oh God, next chapter is going to be a bitch to write. I know basically what happens in the next few chapters, but I really don't know how I'm going to chunk it all up.
Oh fuck the Visiting Day shit's happening soon, that's going to be a *big* chapter oh my God
Anyway thanks for listening, thanks for keeping on reading this clusterhug of a book lol.
Oh lol one of my friend's thought Shuî was short. Nah, he's six feet, I think I mentioned it in chapter 4. He's just smol.