I Let It Rain on Me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
You look at him, longing in your eyes. Constantly longing to be that girl, he has in his arms. The girl you want to hate, to loathe with everything you have, but can't bring yourself to, because she doesn't deserve that, no one deserves that. You certainly wouldn't like it if someone hated you.
Maybe she played her card rights or she just got damn lucky to be with whom she is with right now. You never really had luck on your side.
You look at her and then at yourself. She's beautiful, smart and kind. All the things you wish you could be, because maybe then he would look at you the way he looks at her.
"I love you," he tells her and you swear that you can hear the crack of your own heart breaking into a million small fragments that no one can put back together. Never back to a whole heart anyway.
"I love you too," she tells him and he smiles at her genuinely. And maybe he's the reason your smiles never reach your eyes anymore. Maybe he's the reason that you have to keep on wearing a mask. To cover up all these things that you have to make sure never see the light of day.
He's your best friend, it's not like you can just go and ruin his happiness? What type of best friend would you be? And you like seeing him happy, even if it's not you making him happy anymore.
He tangles his long thin fingers in her hair and you know what's going to happen, even before it does.
You don't look away when their lips connect, because that would be all too too easy. It would be easy to pretend that none of this was happening, when it most definitely was.
He gets on one knee and this time, you have to turn around because it's all too too much to swallow down at once. You knew that this was coming. Never a matter of if but more like when.
"Will you marry me?" Is all the words that you get to hear, but it's enough to make you start running. Like running away could ever solve anything.
You run and run, until you really don't think that you have any more oxygen circulating around your body.
You sit under the jungle jim, arms wrapped around yourself, protecting yourself. All the kids in the park stop and stare at you. What a sight you must be? A grown man on a jungle jim? How preposterous? But you don't exactly care because here you feel safe.
"Merlin!" Is all the warning you get before he jumps into your lap. He wiggles around in your lap until he's facing you, eyes lit up like Christmas lights.
"What's the matter?" he asks you and it's only when he's reaching over and wiping away the long, wet guilty lines from your face, do you realise that you've been crying all along. Maybe you hadn't realized because you're so so so used to all of this.
"Nothing," you say, as you turn around, so he can stop fussing over you.
"Are you sure?"
And he doesn't even wait for your answer before he's pulling you closer, hands around your neck, hot breath in your ear, You don't even stop yourself when your hands tangle around his waist, bringing him closer, until you swear you can feel his faint heart beat matching yours.
Somehow when he whispers 'I love you' quietly in your ear, you think that this is how it's supposed to be because somehow he feels like home. You can't help yourself when you snuggle into him, not thinking about all the consequences that could come by getting lost in him.
"I'm getting married," he tells you and you regret not telling him that you love him too, because you lost in your moment and saying it now would ruin everything and he looks so happy.
"Congrats," you say and you're not quite sure how you can keep your voice from cracking through all of this.
"I want you to be my best man, okay?"
"For you, anything," you tell him and it sounds like an 'I love you'.
You haven't exactly thought about how you're supposed to be his best man when you could never see him getting married without falling apart right then and there.
He smiles at you and you smile back, to mirror his. You've never told him, but you love his smile. The way it could really light up a whole room.
You're not quite sure how you're doing it, how you can actually muster up a smile, as he waits for his wife- to- be, to walk down the aisle. It must be like one of those human mysteries that no one can really understand.
She looks so beautiful and anyone would be stupid not to think so. He looks so happy and you wish you were the one bringing this happiness into your life. To make him happy would be the greatest achievement.
You feel like pushing her away, make him put the ring on your own finger and claiming him for your own, because that's how you think it's supposed to be. But these things never go the way there are supposed to go.
You're the only one who doesn't clap when they exchange vows. The only one who looks away when they kiss.
You just smile and pretend to be happy, because that's what you're supposed to do. It only matters if you show your feelings, if you let your mask drop, but you're not going to do that. You've hidden your feelings ever since you've known him, you can do it for the rest of your life. It should be easy.
When he asks her for the first dance, you can't help but think if you could have made things different, if it could be you who he marries, who gets asked for his first dance.
And you're not quite sure how you can feel so alone in a room full of people.
Why do you see right through me?