Chapter 4: That moment
It was one of those moments. The kind that makes your heart do a flip-flop in your stomach, and gives you goose-pimples. It was the moment when Scorpius smiled at me from across the room. He wasn't smiling at Kim; he wasn't looking at any of his other Slytherin cronies. He was simply staring at me and smiling a toothy genuine smirk. I smiled back and felt my ears turn red. 'Don't be stupid, Rose…he's just smiling at you like a friend would, it's all in your head.' My smile fades and I look down at the disgusting contents of my dinner plate; pickles, with mashed potatoes slathered in a thick beef gravy. This is my drug of choice. This is my deepest desire incarnate. This is my dinner and that pickle….that's Scorpius' head. I take a bite and it crunches in a satisfying way.
My smile returns as I eat and I hear a clammer of activity behind me. I bend awkwardly to try and get a look at whatever's going on and come face to face with Kim, "Herro…" I manage to spit out with a little spray of food. There they go, my ears turning red again.
"Rose that is disgusting." She observes making a face and giggling.
"It is truly the most disgusting thing on the earth. And yet I can't stop eating it." I hold out the bowl to her offering a bite with a sheepish grin. She snorts loudly and pushes it away.
"Anyone ever call you strange 'afore?"
"You have no idea." I mumble with a laugh. Scorpius has decided to join us. He sits down next to Kim and kisses her on the cheek.
"'Ello, Rose." He says smiling. If I didn't know any better I would say that he was trying to make me jealous. I narrow my eyes and look to Dom, who is smirking knowingly at the whole situation. Lily is sitting reading the paper as usual and looking grumpy, surely with her ears fine-tuned to the exciting morning events.
"'Ello, Scorp." I manage out a real genuine smile trying to see the joy in their eyes at being together. Trying to see if that light is there when he looks at me. Kim looks surprised at the casual nature of our greeting, not aware that we'd already forged a friendship out of awkwardness and inner-pressure.
James scampers in with his usual grande entree and sits down next to me to see Kim wiping some mysterious food something or other from Scorpius chin her face lit up with amusement. James turns to me his brows furrowed and whispers "Why the ruddy hell is he sitting here?" I shrug and avert my eyes.
The whole intimate moment takes about half a century while I fiddle with my food and James turns beet red, but soon the spot on his messy face is gone and he's turned back to me Kim leaning comfortably on his shoulder "So, Rose, how was Potions the other day?"
"It was boring. Where were you? At least when you're there I have some entertainment." I forget for a moment that Kim is sitting there and I swear I see something different in those big blue hopeful eyes. Her nostrils flare and her brows furrow but only for an instant.
"I was in the Hospital Wing." Scorpius declares and the look on Kim's face dissolves into one of petty worry.
"The Hospital Wing? For what?"
"I was just sick…throwing up." Inside I was sighing in relief. So, there WAS a flu going around. It was just the flu. Merlin bless airborne illness.
"You too? I've been throwing up all week."
"So you both have the flu?" James asks suspiciously, but with her usual grace and casual demeanor Dom stands up and grabs my arm.
"I'm so tired, let's go back to the common room for a catnap." She groans and I smile inwardly. I turn around to look at Scorpius one last time and he's staring straight back at me with a smirk.
"It's Scorpius isn't it?" She asks as soon as we leave the great hall.
"What're you on about?"
"Scorpius! You slept with Scorpius!"
"I dunno, Dom! I was bladdered, remember? It could've been Professor McGonagall for all I know."
"You must remember something from that night."
"I remember downing your mead and smoking a stranger's cigarette…and anyhow it wouldn't matter he clearly doesn't remember anything."
"Well that's certainly incriminating."
"It's nothing Dom, I don't think it was him ok? I just don't really have the energy to deal with this right now." Her face relaxes and she nods sympathetically, releasing my arm. I walk away frustrated.
Every now and then when I'm feeling out of sorts, or confused, or angry, I throw my hair behind my shoulder and walk with annoying purpose. I walk around the entirety of the school smiling half-heartedly at people trying as hard as I can to sway my hips, trying to show them that I'm happy. Just as happy as they are. Some people wave and I nod back as graceful as I can. I have walked for hours exploring the castle, I've found rooms I've never heard of. I've walked through passages covered in cobwebs that clearly haven't been touched in ages. Sometimes I walk to the very top of the astronomy tower and stare over the ledge and imagine myself soaring over the treetops. But mostly I just walk. I keep my eyes ahead and ignore everything and everyone. I stride confidently, sometimes I hum, if I'm alone I'll sing out of key. And sometimes I turn a corner and someone who couldn't possibly have beat me to this spot is standing there looking painfully delicious.
It's him of course. He's there directly in front of me staring intently at his reflection in a mirror fixing his silvery hair. I turn around for a moment and almost break into a run but my shoes have clacked against the marble floor, betraying me and I know he has to have heard me anyway. And so I take a deep breath and turn to face him. He looks my way when he's realized that the clacking has stopped and I smile at him; he smiles back. I walk towards him as casually as I can and lean against the wall with my hip, stretching my body strategically in front of him.
"Why are you fixing your hair?" I laugh.
"Why not?"
"You just….you look so very feminine when you do that." I reach out a hand and scruff it all up a bit. He laughs and shakes his head.
"Well at least I am lovely in all my feminine divine."
"Yes of course. Very lovely." These are lovers words.
"I've always liked the idea of being a woman. You all hold more power then you know." He grins mischievously and I can't help but smirk with hooded eyes. I look him over trying not to let my emotions show. He's so casual, he holds it all together so well, it really is like nothing happened. He just cheated on his girlfriend and instead of it tearing him apart, it's ruining me. That can't be right, can it?
"Scorp…can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you think she knows?" He stops and his smile fades.
"I don't know…" He looks at me very seriously now. My ears are turning red and I'm sure he sees them, maybe he can even feel their radiating heat. He reaches out his hand and strokes my hair and I lean into his touch instinctively reveling in the softness of his touch. It's all just a bit too much.
"Scorpius…" I say and back away. "You have a girlfriend. An amazing girlfriend who thinks I'm her friend." For a minute he hesitates and I can see the guilt in him. But he's a man I suppose and he has to prove to me and everyone else his worthiness. He comes towards me and sweeps me up in his arms just the way he did the first night. Just the way he does in the dreams that I have on a regular basis. He kisses me with all the passion that has been building in both of us for weeks and I can feel my hands shaking. And not just my hands, my knees, and my heart even flutters too. This is horrible. What about Kim? Her big blue hopeful…trusting…eyes flash through my head and I pull away again.
"Rose…" He sighs and takes my hand. "C'mon." He leads me into a convenient abandoned classroom and locks the door behind us, "What's wrong?" He asks when I hesitate to follow him.
"You can't be serious? What's wrong? I've told you. You have a girlfriend! We're friends! You're not listening and this is ridiculous." He sits on one of the unstable-looking mahogany desks and gestures with his eyes for me to sit with him. I don't want to. I would do anything to be able to walk away again and pretend everything that we've shared has never happened. But it has. Even if he told me tomorrow that he hated me and that he wants to take my eyes out through my nose I wouldn't be able to ignore the obvious chemistry that has been hanging between us ever since that drunken fateful night. And so I sit down next to him. My hands have grown disgusting and sweaty so I wipe them on my skirt. He's noticed, I see, as he laughs at my embarrassed look.
"Scorp, I feel it too, but it isn't okay." I say tenderly, I reach out a hand and tuck one of his loose hairs back in its place. He looks at his shoes so very intently. You'd think they sprouted an eye or something with the confused expression he has staring them down. "You either have to stop everything with me…or stop everything with her, okay?"
"I can't. I can't believe I've made this mess but I can't. She's wonderful. You're wonderful. It's awful. I don't….I don't know how to stop this...And who even says we should? We're teenagers…isn't this how it's supposed to be?" He gestures to the space in between us and I know what he means. There's something there, some magnetic force that draws us back to each other. I throw my hands over my face and groan.
"No this is not how it's supposed to be!" I hiss the words and somehow growl them as well. He looks surprised and ashamed, and so I amend my tone "Maybe it would be different if everyone knew, if everyone was okay with this. But we're lying." I step forward and brush my thumb against his chin. "We're lying Scorp. How can I help you while we're lying?"
"I dunno what will help I just… I don't know." I take this opportunity to check if my shoes are tied and realize I'm wearing flats. I stare down at them just like he did moments ago trying to erase this moment between us. But to my surprise, I feel his hand under my chin. "Scorpius…?" I say quietly. A million different knots are forming in my stomach, the two most distinct…are lust, and guilt. His hair is slicked back but still manages to look messy; his eyes are so unbelievably blue and icy. "We're lying. We're liars." I whisper into his lips as he draws ever nearer.
"Why don't you stop trying to be so good all the time?" I shudder at the soft whisper, the threat of his lips so close to mine, the words sounding seductive and genuine all at once. He drops his hand to his side but the look on his face remains the same.
"I'm sorry." He sighs running a hand through his hair breaking the magic of the moment.
We sit there looking at each other seriously, his eyes burning into mine, me practically panting, I can feel his desire too. Somehow the guilt is sexy as all hell, "What do you want from me, Scorp?" I say as close to his lips as I can, my voice barely there. I know what's going to happen, he knows what's going to happen.
"I don't know." He says his breath breaking from trying to hold it in.
"I think you do." He looks at me his eyes full of the same hungry, confused look I possess. He bends towards me and before I know it…he's kissing me. He's kissing me so unbelievably passionately I could almost say that this was love…but I'm no fool. This is not love this is I don't know. It feels like a bad romance novel. Which I've personally always enjoyed. And merlin is it hot. And soon my shirts off and he's pulling me towards him. I'm shaking. I know that what I'm doing is wrong…but it feels so wonderful that I don't care.
He is everything. He is jealousy. He is unconditional love. He is wrong and right. He is twisting me around and pushing me into a desk. He is lifting my skirt. He is lifting me. He wedges a knee in between us pushing my thighs open. And I am both jealousy and unconditional love as well. I bite his lip and reach my hand between us taking hold of his hot length pulling it free of his clothing. I inch my toes into his pants waist and push them down releasing the rest of his body. I wrap my legs around him embracing the feeling of his strong thighs and smooth arse. He bites my neck and grabs my legs with force stopping me, slowing me down. Fingers begin inching their way up my thighs, stopping here and there to squeeze and feather, until he finds my knickers smugly smiling at the heat and moisture he finds there.
I find his cockiness frustrating and appalling and I tell him so by grabbing his hair and pulling his smirking lips back to my mouth. I forcefully push my tongue into his. He lets go and sinks into the moment but there's a struggle. A hesitation. A question. He grabs at my shoulders and pushes me away taking a moment to look into my face. We connect. It's almost painful. The intensity with which we see each other, the intensity of our eyes searching for the easy way out in each other. All tension builds and passes in that moment and we see past the icy blue, he sees past the chocolate brown, and everything fades away.
There is nothing that matters more than this moment. Nothing that matters more than his icy blue eyes and his warm mouth and the feel of his smooth skin. He sees into me and finds all the pain and confusion, everything that's gone wrong in my life. He sees me as I am in this very moment, hair wild and frizzing from his hands running eagerly through it. And I see him. I see all the expectations from his family, all the love he has for Kim. All the love he has for me. I see him letting down his walls. I see the tears in his eyes and the heat in his cheeks. He pants and takes a deep breath. And the moment is gone.
He pulls my legs forward. Pushing me backwards onto the desk. My body spread before him, he bends forward and kisses all the way down my navel and to my hips leaving biting marks there for me to remember him by. He meets my eyes and dips below my skirt, removing my knickers and placing hot open mouthed kisses on my most sensitive parts. They're soft at first and I respond with a hip buck, my body begging for more friction, yet revelling in the lapping ministrations of his tongue. I push my mound into him, moaning softly at first and then louder with each stroke. His hands wrap around my hips pulling me up and holding me in place. The pressure is building, and I can feel myself about to snap beneath him. He moves faster, his mouth moving in quick circles over my center. And then all at once the world stops and explodes at the same time. My skin erupts in goosebumps and the heat of my orgasm radiates out, I scream out his name eagerly. Blood rushes from my head to my loins and fills me with the most delicious warmth. Everything tenses and breaks and relaxes again, but before I can find stillness he has stood and pulled my hips forward again. He fiddles with himself a bit aligning his cock with my body and then...bliss. He thrusts into me, filling me to the brim with his cock. I call out with desire to be closer, for him to fill me more. I sit up and snatch at his shoulders, bring them to meet my mouth and sink my teeth into his neck. I slam my hips to meet his and he grunts angrily, almost snarling. He grabs hold of my hair to hold me still and thrusts into me with all his power. My nails are digging into his back…I throw back my head, and I take in a sharp breath.
"Scorpious!" I yell it of course, not in my right mind, not thinking at all. I grab hold of his chin forcing him to look me in the eye. I see him staring boldly up at me and instead of the usual ice I see fire. He presses forward staring at me watching me as I begin to climax again. He thrusts deeply, hitting places in me that I had no idea existed. My body flutters around him and it's him who takes hold of me this time, grabbing onto the back of my neck so I cannot turn away. One hand on my hips pulling me as close as I can be to him, as he rocks in and out, the other on the back of my neck, I come again this time bringing him with me. His mouth parts and I hear him let out 3 hasty moans followed by one intoxicating "Oh god..." I feel him release deep inside of me and we come together our eyes still on eachother, never breaking that connection that has brought us here in the first place. He stills in me but not before giving me one more hefty thrust. I lay back on the desk with a blissful 'oh' and he collapses on top of me. We lay there for a few minutes taking in what has just happened. Our breathing heavy we look at each other again and all the walls we built before have risen and almost angrily he pulls off of me and zips up his pants looking me over sadly.
I take a deep breath and heave myself up, recovering some of my long lost modesty, standing, I pull my shirt over my head, I collect my knickers, I run a hand over my wild hair. I lean back against the desk again. My arms cross over my chest, my eyes downcast the whole time.
"I'm an awful person. Awful. She's my friend." We make eye contact and it hurts. Hot unyielding tears begin to form in the corners of my eyes as I say it. My mouth turns down and I suck in a sob trying not to break. I'm an idiot. I can't believe I've done this to Kim…or myself. Again.
"Rose don't...don't do that to yourself, this is my fault. I'm so sorry." He steps towards me and awkwardly reaches out a hand to brush against my cheek. I look up and the tension in his jaw pulls me in again. Even post-coitus I feel the desire start to rise in me when I look at him and I have to shove it down.
"Figure it out, Scorp." I say pushing his hand away and abruptly shoot out the door, leaving him standing there with his worthless shame. I feel sick. Horribly horribly sick…and lately I know what this means, this means that I'm going to be sick. My footsteps hasten and my breathing quickens, my stomach twisting and lurching, begging me to offer it release. Finally I find a paper waste basket in a corner and bend over it releasing all of the contents of my stomach.
"Rose?" I stand up at the speed of light.
"Dom?" I ask, wiping my mouth. She's got rounds…of course. I've forgotten.
"Are you alright? Oh my god, were you just throwing up?"
"I'm fine…" I run a hand through my sweaty sticky hair.
"Are you sure…you smell," She stops and frowns "Rose for merlins sake…you smell like sex."
"I…I don't know what you're talking about." My ears turn red and I feel my eyes well up. I turn my back to her and walk as fast as I can away from her.
"Rose!" She yells after me, "Rose! You're supposed to be able to tell me anything. You can tell me!" I stop and turn around the tears finally streaming down my face. I walk towards her and come as close as I can to her without making contact. I don't have to because she engulfs me in a hug.
"He has-"
"A girlfriend…I know." The tears are falling down my cheeks, finally the balloon that's been filling with air inside of me, bursts. My body quivers as I bury my face in her neck. All of the want and shame come pouring out of me all at once. I don't know where to go from here. It's overwhelming. I hate the hurt that this last hour would eventually cause. I don't know how to stop it…but I know it has to end. And as guilty as I feel and with all these absolutes in my head; I can't wait to do it again. Which is why I continue to cry, "Dom…you can't tell anybody." I look up at her, my eyes red puffy and full of desperation, "You hear me? No one…I have to have your word."
"You have it." I nod and she puts an arm around my shoulders. "Let's go." We walk down the halls completely silent. My eyes are drying out, at last. The confusion is still there…but for right now, it doesn't seem so scary.
"The worst part is I don't want to stop. Sex with him is like…sex with god. Does it make me a slag?"
"Come on now...I hate that word. There's no reason for it. We're human, shit happens. Merlin, sex happens." I nod hastily but my face is still twisted up in confusion. "Rosie...do you love him?" My face turns from soft and vulnerable to rock hard in a matter of seconds.
"No." I say simply and stand up straight shrugging her hand off my shoulder.
The moment we get back to the common room I throw-up again. I hide out in the bathroom, terrified to be anywhere common in case Kim appears at the hand of James. I shower twice, and brush my teeth three times, trying to scrub away the 'dirty slag' repeating over and over in my head. How ridiculous is this? Why do I feel so horrible anyway? We're 17 we fuck up and we fuck that's what we do. But these aren't just 17 year old feelings. These are real lives I'm toying with. Real people who will be affected by this betrayal for the rest of their life. Is it worth it? Is all of this icky worth a few moments of brilliance? I look at myself in the mirror. "Yes." I answer back aloud. As soon as the words leave my lips the door opens and in walks my cousin, Lily. She looks as if she's had a night as great as mine.
"Hello, Lily." I say turning around trying to sound cheerful. She meets my eyes and chuckles. "Okay…what the hell is going on with you?" She rolls her eyes and stays silent. Silent as anything. "Oh c'mon, won't you just talk to me? We never talk anymore."
"Alright...fine, what would you like to talk about?" She glowers at me and I stare ahead. I find that I have no idea what to say to her. I just wanted her to acknowledge me. "Rose we've hardly ever 'talked'" She makes sure to air-quote like an American for emphasis. "You've always been close to James, or Dom, or whoever. And anyway why are you choosing right now, on the way to the loo, to try and make nice hmm?" I feel burning hot rage building up in me wanting to lash out in Lily's general direction. Of course, she's right. We never have been close. She was James' little sister. My quiet little cousin. Closer to Hugo's age then mine. It's uncomfortable forcing a conversation. But she used to be so lively. I don't have the slightest idea what's happened with her. I want to be seen. By anyone really and when she refuses to pay-up. I'm so tired of crying but it happens again. I push past her into the dormitories and hear her call after me once before sighing and continuing on with her nightly routine.
Dom is waiting for me on my bed. She's got a hot cup of peppermint tea waiting for me and pats the spot next to her. I collapse on her bed and curl around her body like a child and dramatically sob. She laughs and playfully smacks my bum.
"Oh sweet Rosie, you just need to drink this tea and cuddle me to sleep. All will be well come the morning." I nod and shift so that she can easily lay next to me and as she strokes my hair an exhaustion so deep overcomes me that I find I can barely keep my eyes open and soon I am asleep.