In The Night

There he went, walking like a newborn calf. Stumbling and knocking over trashcans and giggling just like his teenage self would've done so had he been in this predicament back then. He was on his way from the bar to her apartment. How did he know where she lived? Easy, it was in her file. Well, technically, it was in her son's file. The little boy he had represented pro-bono six years ago. It's not like he didn't remember her address, it was etched on his brain since that one day where he'd stepped inside her home.

Watching her with Noah… it nearly collapsed his lungs. He saw nothing but them and he worked tirelessly and damn near endlessly for her to have him in her arms for the rest of eternity.

Olivia Margaret Benson had been stuck in his head for more than six years. This wasn't something that had sprung overnight, not at all. This had been ongoing since he could possibly remember, and he did remember.

They'd met for the first time on a cold December day. The first time he got to work with the Special Victims Unit. Back then, he was just a cocky lawyer and she a fearless detective, but she'd always had… something. She'd been stuck in his head since the night she and her partner had interrupted the date he'd been having with Alexandra Cabot almost eighteen years ago. Wow, eighteen years he'd known of the brunette cop and yet, he knew nothing of her.

So enigmatic and closed off, so protective of her freedom, and at that same time, so carefree when it came to her son.

During that time he remembered thinking that maybe she had an inclination for the fairer sex and any and every chance he possibly saw with the brunette were shot out of the window. Especially when the rumor mill around Hogan Place started rattling and leaking with comments of Cabot and Benson being in a relationship.

He could see the possibility, they were both beautiful women, successful, headstrong, and most importantly, they were on the same side of the law, unlike him. After Cabot was presumed to be killed and Novak took over Cabot's tenure, here he was, seething with the knowledge that yet another woman could have her and he could not, but that was just the way the cards stacked had fallen.

But then, everything changed once he heard that the detective he spent his better days pining for was secretly dating an Executive ADA by the name of David Haden. He'd dug his nails so far into his palm that he'd drawn blood. His fingers had hurt afterwards, having strained so much at the pressure he had put in them.

Haden and Olivia? Nothing could be more wrong than that.

And, if that wasn't enough, here the universe had to go and pair her with none other than Brian Cassidy. He had sat in his office, after hours, just cursing the heavens for his shit luck. Yet nothing could prepare him for what had come next: Ed Tucker. He'd thought that after everything she'd gone through with Noah's fostering and adoption, he would have a little in into her life—how wrong had he been.

He'd had another run in with the brunette in the tombs where she'd thought he was representing someone else, 'skell client' was the term she'd used, and if it hadn't been for Alex and the rest of her squad, she'd have never slept in her bed that night. Thinking back, he wished he'd had opened with any other line than, 'I always thought I'd see your partner down here,' but he'd been too nervous and those were the first words his addled mind had processed.

If he'd said that he made a living by throwing efficient prose to whomever wanted to listen, they'd had laughed at him, not believing a single word coming out of his face, but that was just it, wasn't it? When it came to Olivia Benson, he seldom functioned correctly.

After the Ellie Porter case, and watching how vested Olivia had been with the little boy Ellie had left behind, and how upset she'd been when Sheila Porter had wanted to waltz in their lives, he'd stopped taking SVU cases. How could he when he knew what he knew and had seen what he saw when working so closely with the woman that continuously kept stealing his breath away?

If he wanted to gain Olivia's respect furthermore and if he wanted to possibly gather the balls to ask her out finally, then he needed to start with a simple change like that one. Even though it's where he had the chance to make more money than accounted for, he finally knew that he'd rather be poor, surviving winters in New York without a home, than watch Olivia and her mates be jostled and cajoled by the antics of a Defense attorney.

Once he'd known what had happened between Sheila, Olivia, and Noah, he'd sent a flower basket and an edible arrangement accompanied by a toy for Noah to her home. Showing up after causing such… grief would be frowned upon, and what made him think that she would want to see him anyways? He'd felt more than guilty, even though he'd done his due diligence.

And, after almost two years of radio silence, she'd called him seeking help. She'd asked him to take the case of Evangeline Miller, a thirteen-year-old runaway seeking legal counsel. If anyone else would've called and asked him to do this for them as a favor he would've most definitely declined. His case files had grown once people had caught wind of the Ellie Porter case and he was still reining champion when it came to White Collar. He'd take a few cases pro-bono throughout the year to keep himself an honest man, but he'd met his quota already.

But, she called and he answered and they'd worked together on this case and they'd come victorious in the end.

Once again, the memory of her was too hard to turn away, too hard to dissipate, and suddenly, he was stumbling inside her building at God knows what hour. He wouldn't blame her if she had him arrested yet he chuckled at the idea. That'd be something!

He stumbled down the familiar hallway and landed at her door. It was nearing one o'clock in the morning and he didn't know Noah's sleeping schedule so he thought he was knocking silently, but once she whipped the door open and saw it was him, her expression softened.

"Trev—Trevor, uh, Counselor, come in!" she stammered, too nervous to speak.

He trudged inside; knocking his shoulder against the coat pole she had near her door and snickered, finding it amusing how it did this dance before deciding to remain upright.

"You are… pretty drunk there, Counselor," she smiled when he turned around and pretended he wasn't as intoxicated as he was.

"I…" he dramatically begun, waggling a finger in the air, "am not drunk. I… am a little tipsy," he finished, hiking the last syllable up the octave.

Olivia snickered, tucking her hands in her zip-up pockets. "Sure," she said, biting her lip. "Do you want some water?"

Trevor closed his eyes, reeling in his wandering thoughts. He was in Olivia's space. This was hers… and Noah's. And, it smelled of her.

He had gotten a good look at her before closing his eyes. She was wearing a tank, or it could've been a camisole covered by a grey zip-up hoodie. Her legs were bare, covered only partially by her silky pajama shorts, and her hair… her hair had been his favorite part. She had run her fingers through the front of it, fluffing it up, and letting it fall against the opposite side of her part. She looked relaxed and content, and here he was, disrupting her night.

He opened his eyes, starting forward towards the door when he stumbled, "This was a mistake."

Olivia managed to steady him by placing her hands on his chest. He was warm to the touch, almost as if he was sweating underneath the clothing he wore, but most likely, it was the alcohol throwing his body temperature out of whack. "Why don't you sit right here on the couch and I'll get you something to drink," she said, tucking her hair behind her ear before helping him to the couch. "Excuse the mess," she said with a nervous laugh.

As quickly as her hands had been on him, they were just as quick to disappear and now all that was left was a cool sensation where her hands had been just seconds before. He leaned back, throwing his head over the back of her couch, and bringing his hands to his face. He breathed in, scrubbing his palms over his cheeks, attempting to wash out any sign of his inhibition to no avail. The alcohol wasn't carved on his skin, it was coursing through his veins and all he could do now was wait for her return.

What was he doing here?

What was his plan?

"Don't die on my couch, Langan. It couldn't have survived Noah as a toddler and his baseball years for you to come die on it," she quipped, extending her arm to pry his hands off his face.

He was flushed, she noticed, and he awarded her a smile when he took the glass with water. He took a careful sip, testing his stomach against the spinning room. His body needed the hydration; he did walk all the way to Olivia's…

"What brings you by, Counselor?" she asked, flicking her head to accommodate her hair whilst folding her legs underneath her.

Trevor held the glass against his chest, "I—I don't know."

Olivia furrowed her brow, "There's got to be a reason as to why you're here."

Trevor shook his head, shrugging, "I was… thinking—"

"Okay, that's a start."

"—about me—"

"And, you ended up here, because?"

"—and how much I spend my time thinking about you."

Olivia's gasp was audible throughout the living room. And, it wasn't a gasp as much as it was a surprised exhale. The news had floored her, taken her completely at a disadvantage, where were these feelings coming from? Had he always felt this way? How had she not noticed it before, but then again, whom was she fooling?

How long had it been before Alex finally jumped the gun and asked her? And, with Casey, she fought so hard to… conceal those feelings yet they seem to overflow from her pores until Casey finally made the move. With men, it came differently, they were the ones quick to approach her, so why hadn't he? She could see it in them when they were interested, and she would turn on the charm if she really wanted them, but Trevor had been oblivious and so had she, apparently.

Trevor leaned forward, prepared to push himself up from her couch when the room spun a little too hard for his liking. Olivia reached forward, muttering a curse underneath her breath when she stabilized him by pulling him towards her. He opened his eyes and smiled wryly, paying close attention to every little detail of Olivia's face. He cocked his head, not really understanding what he was watching unfold in her eyes. This was always the conundrum when it came to her, he could never figure her out. And, she never let herself be figured out for that matter.

He smiled when her eyes caught the light of the lamp in her living room, "You're so close."

She smiled beautifully, "What?"

"Did I say that aloud?" he snorted.

Olivia giggled, shaking her head in amusement, "You did… giggles."

Trevor snorted once more, eliciting the most beautiful sound out of her yet. He straightened, watching as the scrunch of her nose slowly relaxed into all the beautiful features of her face, "You've freckles."

Olivia nodded subtly. "I do," she replied sheepishly, glancing down at her still lingering hand on his forearm. "And you," she said with a bite of her lip, "wear contacts."

Trevor blinked slowly, parting his lips as he did so. "Since I was twenty-three," he admitted, staring deep into her brown eyes.

She felt something, a spark of sorts ignite within her. Nothing she had control over yet nothing she was exactly expecting either.

Imagine when you start a car, but it just keeps clicking with a faulting starter and either you have to jump it, purchase a new battery, or get a new starter altogether; that's how Olivia felt in love.

That's how it started.

Her heart would do this starting thing, igniting every little feeling. She was being blindsided with the entirety of the situation. Here she was, enjoying a quiet night before deciding to tuck in for the night when her door rapped with loud knocks. Had this been any other night and any other person for that matter, she wouldn't have been having this conversation with him sitting so close to her.

It was… weird to say the least, having him in her space without it exactly being a transaction of sorts. It's the only reason he had stepped foot in her apartment before, back when Noah was a toddler and she was only fostering him. To think that before he arrived, her apartment smelled… clean, of her and a little boy, of food. All normal things in a household with children, but now, sitting in such close proximity to him, all that she could smell was beer, smoke, and his intoxicating scent.

Had he always smelled like that? Why was she just now noticing?

She was mesmerized. Completely besotted. In a complete sensory overload with everything that was happening in such a small space that she did not know how long it had been since they'd exchanged a word last. His stare hadn't deterred from hers, and somehow, she had captured all the nuances his face had made. From the subtle twitch of his eyes when he was really trying to focus on her features to the faint, barely noticeable smirk on his lips.

"You know," she begun breathlessly, "you leave nothing for interpretation."

"How so?"

"I can see everything in your eyes," she replied, pushing her self back from him. She needed the space and now, she could finally breathe.

"I can see everything in yours, too, except you realize you're showing it, and like that," he snapped, right next to his face, "it's gone."

"Yea," Olivia lamented, running her fingers through her hair. "I know how to use my words."

Trevor nodded absentmindedly, placing the glass on the coffee table before leaning back and letting his head hang over the back of her couch. "Yea, I get paid to use those, yet they fail me every time I'm in your presence," he said with a brittle chuckle.

Olivia was beside herself. Was he declaring his love for her, now? He was drunk! He'd shown up, late at night, drunk as dog… expecting her to what? Fall to her knees? Run into his arms? Do the same? If he was trying to give her the sky, then he needed to do more than just say it. Many a man and woman had promised the sky, the moon, and a star, and they'd fallen short each time.

She scrubbed her hands over her face, sighing in frustration. "Let's not do this right now, Trevor. You—You… are drunk—"

"And, my feelings are just supposed to… change later on when I'm sober?"

"Yes—No—I—" Olivia sighed heavily, dropping her legs, and turning to shield herself from him.

"See what I mean?" he mumbled, smiling at his own amusement. "I had her for just a minute and now she's gone," he whispered into the semi-darkness of Olivia's living room.

"Trev—"

"We—We've known each other for how long now? Seven—Eighteen years?" Olivia nodded even though Trevor was stuck looking at the ceiling, attempting to find answers on it. "And, every single time I try to ask you out, to get to know you better you're either taken or emotionally unavailable," he finished turning his head, finally noticing her confused eyes.

"Emotionally unavailable?" Olivia parroted, furrowing her brow.

Trevor nodded. "Stabler. Rollins. Barba," he mentioned, utilizing his fingers to list off the names he'd just said.

Olivia chuckled ruefully, scratching her head in tandem, "So much for leaving nothing for interpretation."

"Yea," he mused.

The silence that followed next was impregnated with a thousand possibilities. Trevor was slowly gathering his resolve; gaining the courage he so much lacked when around her. He could thank this sudden rush of courage to the alcohol coursing through his veins, without it he wasn't sure he'd be here right now. He'd stumbled out of that bar without a plan per se. He... traipsed until he reached Olivia's building because in the end, no matter how intoxicated he thought he was, his heart knew what he wanted in the end. His feelings would always preclude his rational thinking, no matter how hard he tried.

And, it's not like he didn't understand her apprehension when dating. She had a child now. She was a mother first and foremost, and if he wanted a sliver of chance with her, he knew he had to gain the trust and affection of the little six year old in her care.

He already loved Olivia, so coming to love Noah would be of no problem. They could be his little family; the family he'd always longed for, but never quite made the time to start. And in his heart of hearts, he knew it was because his standards were too high. No woman could compare to her and in every single one he had had, he'd compared them mercilessly to her. It wasn't fair to them, because no matter how hard they tried, how hard they fell for him, he'd always find… something wrong with them.

Olivia in the other hand always thought that she had let her one true love escape her.

In the beginning, she had mourned the loss of Alexandra Cabot and when she had returned after her stint with WITSEC, she had thought that they could fall back into the groove, but she hadn't count on the redhead to replace Alex in more ways than one. She thought for sure Brian was the one, but that was just the lingering trauma of the William Lewis saga. Then she'd given a chance to Tucker, someone she'd known for so long overlooking the fact that she was in love with Rafael Barba. She waited for him to make his move and when she thought he finally was, he'd made the incorrect move: he left.

It wasn't just her heart and feelings she needed to protect anymore, she had Noah to think about. She couldn't introduce another male figure to him for them to leave and leave her with the flood of never-ending questions from the little boy.

She wanted to fall in love.

She wanted to come home to someone other than her son.

She loved Noah, there was no doubt of it ever, but there were some things that not even Noah could fulfill her in. And, it's not that she wasn't satisfied with her home life—she had the family she'd always wanted—it was that she was… longing for something different. Olivia needed to feel like a woman once more. She needed to feel desired, coveted, wanted, and loved by someone whom she could reciprocate openly her love them.

Trevor had been right, about her being emotionally unavailable. It was always her downfall, being interested in people she knew she could never have. Stabler, married; Rollins, emotionally depleted; Barba, like her, too traumatized by his past. It hadn't worked with Alex and it hadn't worked with Rafael, what made her think that trying again, with Trevor Langan nonetheless, would be any different this time around?

It wouldn't, because that's how life worked for Olivia Benson.

"I'm different, Liv," she heard him say quietly, breaking the internal reverie she'd been having. Had she said that aloud? "I can give you what you're looking for."

"I have a son, Trevor—"

"I can give you what you're looking for," he emphasized, narrowing his eyes at her. "You is a collective pronoun, Olivia," he smiled, running his hands down his thighs.

Olivia smirked, nodding subtly, "I know. My mother was an English professor."

Trevor hummed his response, "All I need is seven days, Liv—"

"That's mighty cocky of you," she smirked.

Trevor shrugged. "Or just the high-priced mouthpiece in me," he finished with a wink.

Olivia chuckled silently, shaking her head. "I—I don't know what to say," she stumbled.

"Just say yes," he encouraged, attempting but failing to lift his head from the back of her couch. "Oh, that was a mistake," he groaned mostly to his self, closing his eyes briefly. "One week is enough to show you that—that love is… fast and nonjudgmental," he opened his eyes, swiveling his head again carefully to look at her. "We've tried this time and time again—have you ever sat down and thought why it hasn't worked with anyone else?" he paused for effect, gauging the reactions on her face. "I know you want what I want."

Olivia held her breath, "And… what is it that you want, Trevor?"

He smiled, "Besides you? Happiness. Longevity. Stability."

The admission and conviction behind his words nearly knocked her on her ass. She released her breath in shudders, attempting and failing to keep her composure.

What else would she be risking by saying 'yes' to Trevor? She already risked her life every day for the people of New York, she'd risked her heart many a time, and though it'd been broken before, and she thought she'd never come back from it again yet she'd been proven wrong time after time. So the risks were out of the table, though, the gains weighed her down. Positively, though. All she'd ever want for herself and for Noah, Trevor was offering. She told survivors all the time that they were the makers of their own destiny once they healed from the trauma, so why couldn't she apply her own advice to her life?

It was easier said than done, she realized that now. Here she sat with a decision to make and she planned on taking all the time she could before offering her answer. This could be the first day of the rest of her life, a happy, taken life or the life she led now.

Again, it's not that she wasn't happy with the life she had now, it's that she knew she could be happier. Noah was growing up; she had so much she wanted to share, so much she didn't know and she was sure she'd figured it out, learn as she went, but it was more than that. Soon Noah would begin dating, go to college, move out, become a respectable man, and start his own family, and what would she have?

Singlehood or partnership, which would she choose?

"A week, Langan," she relented, watching as Trevor perked up in his spot. Before Trevor could say anything she continued: "And, you're not just romancing me, you have my son to think about, too."

"Seven days, Liv, it's all I need. You'll see."