I open up a stuffed mailbox and remove a pile of envelopes. They all look identical, and I assume they all carry the same message. Some poor toads ran through the woods to deliver the same message day after day.

Opening the door to my house, I'm met with some resistance. I shove in a little, and envelopes spill across the threshold. Never mind, many poor toads ran through the woods for no reason. How'd they even get the letters through the slip after it piled up so much?

After some struggle, the the wood pile is now full of letters. Some of them are burning in the fireplace.

There probably were real messages in there, but I'm not sorting through it.

I unpack my bag and take a shower before examining an envelope from the fire pile.

It's one of the more recent ones, being sent only a week prior.

"Master Mario, Bowser is occupying the Toadstool Castle. Blah... Blah... Blah..." I scan over it until I arrive at the final sentence. "We have been sending you letters for the past year, please respond." -Sincerely, Toadsworth.

Riveting. He couldn't rub two brain cells together to ask for Luigi's help.

Sure, I go places out of most postal services' range, and I don't lug around a computer. But Luigi does. He'd jump at the opportunity to help. I know it can be hard to track someone, but he runs a blog and accepts emails! There's no reason to only ask for me when both of us are able.

Looking at the pile of letters again, I can't believe they actually sent all of these. The forest's probably shrunk.

With breakfast packed, the trek into town begins before the sun rises.

They turned it into a television show...

I expected a stage play, not this.

They didn't even make a good costume. It's so blocky and stilted... and they kept up the toddler proportions of the stage costumes!

I'm not exactly tall, but being 4'11" doesn't equal toddler!

And they're calling Princess Toadstool "Peach". She doesn't mind, but no one here actually calls her that.

It was a nickname from a blue haired prince at a conference. I think his name was Haru. He apparently gives every princess an unwanted nickname. She reverted him from a frumpy dog once, and he immediately tried to flirt with her. He didn't even do anything, he just sat around and followed Luigi and I until we rescued the princess. The toads didn't even register him as an ally, and he walked off to his homeland after Toadstool rejected him.

That movie he produced was inaccurate, too. We don't come from another world, and he advertised instant noodles with it.

Thinking of poor adaptations of first rescues, that other movie with Luigi being my nephew was even worse. Also, Mario's our surname, but it's not my given name. I don't give that out. And the whole thing involving a princess from Sarasaland was laughably bad, I think they only included that because there was news of a newborn royal. The entire thing may as well be original fiction with how little it actually related to that adventure.

Somehow, though, this monstrosity of a show about me hopping into paintings is getting ratings.

Toadstool sent a letter talking about a treasure in a rundown port town.

From the news, she's already there. Everyone seems to be fascinated in such a pretty pink princess being in such a grungy gray grovel. If it interests her so much, I might join in. Treasure hunts like this are always exciting.

Though I'm not sure why she doesn't try to be more discreet.

Since the sudden public interest in me, I've been much more cautious; I haven't worn that red hat in months, and mixed up my clothing and mustache on my travels. I've even used shapeshifting to keep people from catching on. Despite that adventure Bowser, Toadstool, and I allied on, no one seems to associate magic with me, and I'm keeping it that way.

In other news, Luigi self-published a book with the money he collected during our time rescuing Toadstool.

It's... alright? I'm not a good judge on books, especially adventures. I can tell he's changed up the names of the locales and people. Guess my whinging made him do that for anonymity's sake. He's honest, I'll give him that; even admitted to the request for help being for me.

Wait...

That means he's been opening letters addressed to me. I'll need to talk with him about that later.

Some people produced a pop-up book based on Bella's journal of Rogueport. Same people who produced that pop-up book that made up a story involving fake Star Sprites, some magic wand, Toadstool, Bowser, and me. Intelli, I think the company's called.

I don't blame Bella for publishing that journal. A college girl has to eat, and that was a very interesting adventure. She also had the courtesy to omit my disguise and magic, and gave everyone pun names.

People knew I was in town anyway, with Toadstool and Bowser there. I guess being royalty makes you value privacy a little less; they were followed all over, Peach even getting kidnapped by cultists. Bowser wasn't even being evil, he only competed for the "treasure" and tried to save Toadstool when that "treasure" possessed her.

He's not chasing after her anymore, not after that moon incident. I'm not interested, either. Never thought I had a chance anyway, but I proposed for laughs. Mostly to piss Bowser off. She rejected both of us and tried flying off on Cappy's airship. I didn't think she could get it off the ground, but Cappy went along with her! Bowser and I managed to MacGyver a warp with scraps from the lair he built underground on there, but that whole experience made him rethink his choices.

Back to Rogueport, Bella never mentioned aliens in her journal. We did go to the moon, and there were people in uniforms, but they were cultists.

Twilight town and the partial name stealing was freakier, then again, Belle only saw the beginning and end of that freakiness.

And the old sailor! He was a heavy sleeper and depressed, not in a coma!

Regardless of being another harmless inconsistency, I really dislike Intelli for pulling that ham-fisted "friendship is power" thing at the end with the crystal stars. They embellished a lot of Bella's journal, but she didn't write anything about the townsfolk at that section.

I never said anything, but those crystal things were far from friendship receptors. They were vessels that had been emptied in opening the seal on that door. I used them against that shadow-mummy creature to drain off some of her power, but I think they overflowed a little. Having that shadow magic stuff in me is like the magical equivalent of clogged arteries. I feel like garbage, and it's been months since that adventure. At least my own magic doesn't seem affected.

"The Thousand Year Door"? "Shadow Under Rogueport" seems more accurate with all the cultists, shades, and that shadow creature under there.

I'm never going back to Delfino island.

Thought it was going to be a nice vacation on the beach. I got framed, put into a kangaroo court, imprisoned, did mandatory labor, and had to run through an active volcano. The gelato was not worth it.

And Bowser has a son? Looks suspiciously like him, too. Did Kamek make a clone? Regardless, he was a brat. Caused the whole incident.

At least Bowser apologized.