Zero

by TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter

Many people were suddenly born with strange powers they have to pay a painful price for. Like humans do when something happens that they don't understand, they try to get rid of what they see as a threat... or use it to their advantage, and maybe that's even worse. What could be the next step in the evolution is used to further ta us back. (Updated description)

10. Chapter 10 Nothing of love

A/N: I often read things I've written and am surprised that I actually wrote that. Sometimes it's because it's well done, sometimes because it's extremely weird... or sometimes because it makes me want to puke. I can write cheesy love-dovey stuff but God I don't like it.

Chapters are starting to get longer I think.

I managed to make myself feel a little sick when I re-read one of the scenes from this chapter while editing XD I'm so proud.

Also, before anyone is wondering, I don't dislike Hunny either (even though I'm never sure how to spell the name). I just didn't know how in the world to include him without crushing his soul or something. That felt illegal. I know I would have a difficult time writing him normally but I don't think his pure soul fits in here.

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Chapter 10. Nothing of love.

Kaoru went through an alleyway next to the streets of the small town. It was dark outside, not pitch black but the sun was nowhere in sight, covered with a thick layer of grey fog. It was fine, Kaoru still knew the way. No, the light wasn't the problem… The problem was the immense pain in his leg that caused him to limp. He had just been robbed by a man with some sort of blunt object (like a crowbar or something equally painful) and now he was trying to find help. Despite his knee most likely being completely fucked, there was a certain detachment from the situation that prevented Kaoru from fully freaking out. He wasn't exactly sure why, maybe he had hit his head without realizing it.

When he finally reached the end of the alleyway, cars were parked on both sides of the road but there was no person in sight. The street lights turned on just as he leaned against the wall; it was darker outside now. It was colder now too, but at least the rain wasn't starting to fall again.

"I can't just stand here… I need to find help… I'm… I'm b-bleeding… ".

He pushed himself off the wall and started to drag himself up the pavement towards a bar he knew would be open. Something in the corner of his eye startled him and he jumped in surprise, crying out in pain because of the strain it put on his poor leg. He turned to take a better look and noticed that it was just his own reflection. It made him chuckle. But he could see how he made that mistake. His reflection did have dark hair and…. wait, dark hair!?

Kaoru woke up with a panicked gasp. As soon as he realized that he was awake he threw the covers to the side and flew up from the bed. He marched into the bathroom and splattered water into his sweat-covered face before staring into the mirror. His hair was red, it always had been, but somehow the revelation that his hair was in fact dark would have been much more welcomed at this point…

Kyoya walked in behind him with a yawn. He didn't have his glasses on so he didn't just narrow his eyes because of the tiredness and light in the room, but also because he wouldn't be able to see Kaoru well enough otherwise. Kaoru now remembered exactly where he was and started to apologize profusely for waking his boyfriend up, but Kyoya cut him off.

"I just want to know what happened", he assured with a genuine, but tired, smile. "A normal nightmare wouldn't have caused this reaction".

"Are you sure that you want to talk about this now?" Kaoru asked, still looking extremely ashamed for disturbing Kyoya's sleep. "You don't want to wait until tomorrow?"

"We don't have much time in the morning, you know that. Besides, I can't just go back to sleep with you being so distressed. I'll try to be as much help as I can despite my state. So please, tell me what's on your mind".

Kaoru stared at him in surprised disbelief for a few seconds.

"How… How are you so damn calm? You are literally known as a morning monster… ".

Kyoya chuckled at his words.

"You know how you can be more awake when you wake up at four than you are when you wake up at six?"

"Yeah, I guess".

"I suspect it's something akin to that. But now, tell me what you dreamt about".

"It's not the dream that is making me like this. So, me retelling the whole thing is unnecessary", Kaoru sighed before turning back to the mirror. "It's more that… I was wrong about a memory. I was fucking wrong".

He lowered his head like he couldn't even look at himself while Kyoya stared at the back of his head; he was puzzled over what Kaoru was reacting so strongly about.

"Is it something very important you were wrong about? Something that could be considered dangerous?" Kyoya asked, trying to make sense of the situation.

"Not in the way you probably think", Kaoru shook his head. "I am never wrong about my memories, this shouldn't happen… ".

"I don't know if that implies that you have a photographic memory, but no one remembers their past perfectly. Even memories you think you know well have been corrupted by time. I'm pretty sure that can apply to people with photographic memory as well, at least to an extent".

"No, you don't get it", Kaoru turned around so Kyoya could see the fear in his eyes. "I mean that I am never wrong about what memories are my own and what memories are other people's! I thought I grew up in the city, even had a freaking fight with Hikaru about it! Only for him to remember it correctly while I mixed it up with a memory dive I did on my teacher when he wouldn't tell us why he was limping and I was so curious that I finally managed to accidentally check out what happened".

"Calm down, Kaoru". Kyoya put his hands on Kaoru's shoulders. "You have probably just pushed away your childhood so much that you can't remember it correctly. I mean, you didn't remember the things you were shown in the dream simulator… I know realizing that you don't remember your childhood at all must be terrifying for you and I can't even imagine how it must feel-".

"No, that's not the issue. I have already accepted the fact that I erased my own memories, good and bad ones. By being a coward", Kaoru said bitterly. "It's that… Kyoya, I really appreciate that you are trying to comfort me but I don't think you can this time… ".

"I can't if you don't explain the situation to me", Kyoya pointed out. "Now please, is there something I misunderstood?"

"Part of my zero powers is to tell the difference between my memories and others. My powers have to do that, or else I would turn mad. You understand now? I am really, really, not supposed to mix this shit up. It's like if your legs forgot how to walk… something is seriously wrong if I fucked up that bad. How many other memories have I mistaken as my own?"

"How much alike the Boys, who take my serum for too long, am I!?" Kaoru thought, panicking to himself.

Kyoya stared at him with wide eyes; he was perplexed and extremely concerned now when he was finally caught up to the situation. He couldn't come up with anything to say, even if he wanted to say just about anything to comfort Kaoru. Honestly, Kyoya wasn't even sure if he should try to make Kaoru calm down. He wasn't an expert but this did not sound like something they should NOT just brush under the rug. Kaoru's powers malfunctioning was not a good sign… or maybe it wasn't as big of a deal as they thought? His logical reasoning was slowly coming back.

"Kaoru".

"Y-Yeah… ?"

"How sure are you that this is just not a natural response to the stress or a response to you using your powers way more often than you need?"

"I-I… ".

"Maybe this is completely normal for the circumstances. Like we have previously established, you have a lot of empty spots in your memory, maybe this is just your psyche trying to fill in the blanks with whatever it can? We humans always try to understand things, even subconsciously. Which sometimes causes us to not understand at all".

"I don't know. I-".

"You used my legs as an example before. Sometimes you can get a psychological limp because of trauma. Some people cannot move most of their bodies because of trauma as well. This could be just like that. If your powers are as biological to you as your limbs, then they can be just as affected by your psyche. If you remember your childhood well enough, I'd assume that your mind wouldn't try to fill in the blanks like this".

"But-".

"Everyone who has been through negative things has some sort of negative response to it. As a doctor, I have seen similar cases in people who aren't zeroes. Some people even made up complete fabrications and believed them to be memories".

Kaoru still looked uncertain, but as the words processed, he started to understand where Kyoya was coming from. However, he couldn't tell if the logic actually made sense to him or if he was just subconsciously reaching for anything to make him feel better. A contributing factor to both of those scenarios was the fact that he was exhausted and wanted to sleep. His tiredness just made him want to cut the conversation short so he could fall asleep and try to forget about it for now.

"So, you believe that I shouldn't work myself up about it?" Kaoru asked Kyoya, quietly.

"I believe that you should at least wait for a little bit before you worry. For all we know, this could be a normal thing for people with your powers".

"But… but why would my powers work against me?" Kaoru incredulously asked.

"Because sometimes that's just what your mind does. My mind forces me to have nightmares that are very counterproductive to my well-being". The more Kyoya was talking the more he was believing his own words; he started to worry less and less. "I think you should obviously keep an eye out for any more changes, but you don't need to expect the worst yet".

Kaoru just stared at him in silence with sad eyes before he hesitantly nodded. He sighed deeply and forced a smile on his lips. Kyoya didn't like seeing that a hint of worry was still present on his face, but both of them were tired and needed to go back to sleep. If this concern would linger, then Kyoya would definitely try harder to console his boyfriend. But now there wasn't much he could do.

"I seem to have woken you up this time", Kaoru half heartedly joked with a short chuckle.

"It is about time that you returned the favor", Kyoya answered and led Kaoru out of the bathroom with his hand on the smaller male's lower back. Kaoru laughed a little more genuinely this time around.

They laid down under the covers, facing each other. Kyoya, being his needy self, put an arm around Kaoru and pulled him so close that Kaoru's hands were touching his chest. He loosened the grip enough for Kaoru to be able to move freely and pecked him on the forehead. Kaoru giggled at the gesture. The doctor couldn't fathom, now when he was looking at Kaoru without interruption, how gorgeous his boyfriend was (despite the strain on his face). He lifted his hand and stroked Kaoru's cheek and Kaoru smiled shyly at him before closing his eyes with a big yawn. Kyoya started to comb gently through Kaoru's hair instead with his fingers, soothingly.

He himself let out a yawn and he continued to lovingly caress and play with his boyfriend's hair for a while despite Kaoru seemingly being asleep. A sudden realization hit him when he remembered how guilty Kaoru looked for waking him up. At first, his eyes widened before they softened. His hand stopped on Kaoru's side where it rested.

"You will never be one of my crazy exes, you know that right?" Kyoya quietly asked. "It doesn't matter what you feel you are putting me through, I am not thinking about leaving you. You won't be another ex I'll look back to with resentment".

Kaoru didn't say anything, but a certain tightness in his facial features told Kyoya that he might not have been as far off to dreamland as it appeared. It was all Kyoya needed to see...

"I don't understand why you are so against me coloring my hair green", Kaoru said half jokingly; leaning back while placing his hands on the blanket to support his weight. "Do you think it will make me look ugly?"

"You can't possibly look ugly to me but you can look absolutely ridiculous", Kyoya answered while taking a sip from his cup of tea while Kaoru stared at him before bursting out laughing.

"You started off sounding really sweet. Started off".

"If you wanted to be buried with sweet lies then you should have gotten together with Tamaki".

"Maybe I should have", Kaoru teased and wiggled his brows. "He would most likely have accidentally insulted me more than you… but he would at least be sorry!"

"He might, as they say, kiss your ass but I'll do something much better to it".

"That very true", Kaoru said cheekily before lying down on his side with closed eyes. "The weather is really great", he commented absentmindedly with a deep and content sigh.

Kyoya agreed. He looked up for a few seconds at the snow-white clouds slowly passing by on the clear blue sky. The breeze was nice and soothing in the warm weather and the sun made Kaoru's red locks golden; breathtaking, Kyoya was a lucky man.

He scooted over to Kaoru, careful not to make a mess of the picnic food, and lied down next to him. Kaoru's eyes were still closed, but the expectant pursed smile on his lips told Kyoya that he was very much awake and very much waiting for Kyoya to do something. Now he had to oblige. With a grin, Kyoya lowered his face down over Kaoru's face. Kaoru giggled as Kyoya's hair tickled his face but moaned when their lips finally connected in a hungry kiss. Kyoya moved so he was straddling Kaoru so his legs were on either side of the younger boy's hips (his arms were supporting his body weight). Kaoru's hands found their way to Kyoya's neck and the men spent some time furiously making out. It wasn't inherently sexual, they just wanted to enjoy each other without risking getting charged for public indecency.

Kaoru was holding on too hard on his neck but Kyoya didn't mind too much yet. Instead, he adjusted their leg position so his knees were on the ground between Kaoru's thighs instead. He pushed an arm under Kaoru's lower back and pulled him upwards. Kaoru had to temporarily grab into Kyoya's shoulders as Kyoya leaned back and pulled him into his lap. The doctor's hands wrapped around his middle as the zero's hands went back to the older man's neck; squeezing just as hard as before… if not a little harder.

Eventually, breathing became harder for Kyoya and not because of the make-out session (since he hadn't forgotten to breathe in and out of his nose). Kaoru's hold on his neck was becoming tighter and tighter and Kyoya's hints didn't seem to be noticed by the younger male. Gently, Kyoya tried to pry open Kaoru's fingers while only half-heartedly returning his kiss. The redhead only dug his nails into the skin and for a moment Kyoya was just frozen in shock. His body had betrayed him and he didn't understand why this kind of reaction overtook him. This feeling; this numbness, this slow thinking and now rapidly beating heart. He hadn't been like this since... since. It finally dawned on him, Kaoru was actively hurting him. Finally being able to force his body into motion, he not as gently as before grabbed Kaoru's shoulder and pulled him back without letting go of him. The panic within Kyoya made him a little rougher with him than he would have normally, but he still had enough sense to not outright push him to the ground. Kyoya opened his eyes and was just about to ask him what the hell he thought that he was doing when he was immediately stunned by the sight. The happy teenager with a healthy glow and pink cheeks was replaced with a grey and sick figure in the shape of his boyfriend. Kyoya's brain didn't jumpstart his body into action again until he realized that every scar on Kaoru's body was bleeding, bleeding profusely. He hurriedly pushed Kaoru to the blanket and started to desperately dab at the bleeding areas with tissues, but every tissue he used turned completely red and it didn't make any difference.

"Well, what exactly did you expect?" Kaoru asked condescendingly with a raised eyebrow. There was a certain change to his voice that Kyoya couldn't quite wrap his head around. "Everything you 'try' to do isn't doing shit… But you never really do try".

Kyoya stared at him, perplexed, in silence before he finally opened his mouth: "What are you… we can have this discussion later, you are bleeding out".

Kyoya looked around for anything to stop the bleeding and ultimately decided to push everything off the blanket despite what a mess he made off the food, broken porcelain and spilled tea. Confusion played over Kaoru's distorted features for a second before nonchalant indifference took over. As soon as Kyoya was about to wrap the blanket around Kaoru, the no longer bleeding boy sat up and rolled his eyes at him. Kyoya stares at him in surprise once again.

"You're lucky", Kaoru huffed. "Aren't you supposed to be a doctor? Did you really think I was going to bleed to death from a couple of shallow wounds?"

Kyoya was about to rebut that he hadn't supposedly been bleeding as much as he made it seem when he noticed that there wasn't actually a lot of blood on the blanket or even on Kaoru's clothes. That was very odd considering the sea of blood pouring out just a minute ago that soaked several tissue papers… he couldn't find the bloodied tissue papers anywhere…

"Maybe… ", Kyoya eventually forced out; he decided to not try to argue about the actual amount of blood when the proof around him wasn't going to prove his case. "But you can't possibly expect me to think rationally and calmly when I think that you are bleeding to death".

"You don't need to make such a poor excuse for not using your brain", Kaoru scoffed with another eye roll. "You just didn't want to put in any effort".

"Trying to stop the bleeding wasn't putting in enough effort?" Kyoya asked in disbelief. "What do you think would have been a better approach, exactly?"

Kaoru opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of the water before his lips pursed. A look of concentration overcame his face as he stared down at the blanket while trying to come up with an answer. This whole new demeanor was already confusing the hell out of Kyoya but this newfound stupidity was even weirder. He wondered what the hell was going on with Kaoru.

"Anyway, you look sick", Kyoya said after realizing that Kaoru wasn't going to find a proper answer. "We should go back home. Can you walk? I can carry you if need me to. I can retrieve the rest of our picnic later".

Kaoru snapped out of his thoughts. He looked even more confused at first before a scowl took over his face and he stood up without a problem.

"I am not the pathetic weakling you think I am", he scoffed. "If you wanted someone to pamper and treat like a child then you should have stuck to girls or finally dived into those pedophilic tendencies we know you have".

"No, you of all people can't tell me to 'stick with girls'", Kyoya sternly stated, angered. "Not you… ", he added quietly while looking away; he missed another confused look on Kaoru's face.

"What?"

"No. We are not having that discussion now when you are acting like this", Kyoya shook his head dismissively and looked at his boyfriend again. "And pedophilic tendencies? I assumed you were older when we started to hook up. You have never looked like a child during the course of time we have known each other… you have never expressed that this was a problem, I am the only one who has shown to be worried about it".

The same guilt about their respective ages he felt before was resurfacing. He knew what they were doing with each other was morally wrong and hearing Kaoru of all people accusing him of predatory behavior was making it worse. Still, the fact remained that he wasn't a pedophile. A morally bad person? Debatable but yes in a lot of areas, but not a god damn pedophile.

"Whatever", Kaoru muttered. "Doesn't change the fact that you like 'em vulnerable and easy to manipulate. My age is perfect for that, right? Have you ever even cared for any of your boyfriends? Or are we just there to be convenient for you at the moment? Can you even love anyone?"

"Why are you saying all of this all of sudden?" Kyoya asked coldly. He was somewhere in between disbelief and anger. "You know how much I care about you! I didn't choose to fall for you for your age or your 'vulnerability' that you're talking about".

Kaoru's brows furrowed.

"Fall for? You haven't fallen for me. You don't really care about me after all. I am just available. You are going to leave me for a guy you actually respect in the outside world… if you are ever able to respect anyone. You can probably only use or tolerate people, you can't like them".

Kyoya restrained himself from saying that he didn't really like the way Kaoru was now because he didn't want to make Kaoru draw ridiculous conclusions from a mean statement… not liking the way he was now… could this possibly…. ? It could be considered a stretch because the subconscious detachment he had been feeling this whole time was now hinting to him that things might not be real, but his theory could make sense. Especially from the way the other male was talking and… rationalizing (if you could even call it that). Deciding against verbalizing his accusation that was successfully being fed by his newfound anger, he instead stood up. He walked over to the sickly male and wrapped his arms around him. The boy tensed up and didn't relax in his grip like he should have.

"You are right", Kyoya said monotonously. "I don't care so much for you or respect you". The boy in his arms relaxed somewhat and without being able to see his face, Kyoya could tell that he had a victorious look on it. Before he could voice his glee over being correct, Kyoya interrupted him. "It's because you aren't him. Stop pretending", Kyoya whispered in his ear in a way someone would whisper to their lover. He felt the other one's body tense up once again. Kyoya hoped that he was smart enough to realize that Kyoya could tell from that how useless it would be for the façade to continue. He was obviously giving him the benefit of the doubt because he hadn't been very bright beforehand.

The redhead pushed away from Kyoya and glared at him for a couple of seconds before defeat fell over him. He sighed deeply before looking straight into the taller man's eyes.

"Room 202, west wing. Plan four", he said with a commanding voice and took a few steps back. "Can you remember that?"

"Room 202, west wing. Plan four", Kyoya repeated once for him and several times for himself in his head.

"Good boy", he said sarcastically and condescendingly. "Go there… now!"

Kyoya's eyes opened. This time he didn't scream, fly up from the bed, wake up covered in sweat with tears running down his face and a lump in his throat…. he just woke up. It was hard to explain exactly how out of the ordinary waking up felt this time around. It wasn't just weird because he wasn't kicking and screaming for once either. He turned to look at his very real sleeping boyfriend. He looked at peace and still as kind and handsome as ever. Despite just wanting to cuddle Kaoru and fall back to sleep, he reluctantly moved away from him and looked at the clock on his nightstand; 03:26 am. No wonder he could barely keep his eyes open. However, he had somewhere he needed to be…

"202, west, four", he repeated quietly to himself. It was a wonder that he could remember that much since he rarely remembered such specific things from his dreams, but he suspected that it could have been decided for him to remember. He didn't know for sure.

Quickly and quietly (he didn't want to wake up the other male), he put on enough clothes to not look inappropriate before he left his room. It was odd, walking around the base this late (early). It wasn't against the rules to stroll around at all hours (to his knowledge) but it still felt bad. He had a sneaking suspicion that the place he was going to was still off limits.

After a couple of minutes and a silent ride in an elevator, that made him worried that he would accidentally stumble upon someone else who chose the same method of moving between stories, he finally arrived at the Boys' part of the base. He opened door 202, which was surprisingly unlocked, and entered a hallway that wasn't very unlike the one that contained the doctors' rooms. He read the names Nathaniel and Frei on the door closest to him so he didn't feel like he had to stress over not being given the exact door to enter.

Kyoya continued to walk down the hallway, passing by more doors without names than doors with. After passing by a door with the title "social room" on it, he finally found the door he was looking for. He softly knocked on it and heard a voice telling him to just "Enter already". The doctor sighed, opened the door and closed it behind him.

"Took you long enough", Hikaru said begrudgingly. He was sitting on his bed with his arms crossed over his chest. The bed hair that looked so adorable on Kaoru only looked ridiculous on him. Kyoya felt that he was the one who had the right to be angry with the other, not the way around. Hikaru wasn't the God damn victim here. "I almost thought you had forgotten or wasn't actually as smart as you pretended to be".

"It didn't take that long. You are being dramatic", Kyoya corrected, coldly. "I only dressed myself".

"I bet you needed to dress yourself", Hikaru spat dryly with a sardonic laugh and disgusted look on his face.

Kyoya didn't feel the need to correct his assumptions about what the two lovers had done hours before. The older twin uncrossed his arms and pulled up one of his knees to his chest. He removed the sock on his foot and Kyoya could see five misshapen toes that had all clearly been broken and not completely healed in the right position.

"I assume it hurts to walk?" Kyoya indifferently commented.

It was quite hard to sympathize when he wasn't completely sure that Hikaru hadn't been doing this to himself unnecessarily.

"I reap what I sow", Hikaru absentmindedly muttered as he looked between his toes before finally choosing his candidate.

He scooted over closer to his nightstand and used his hands to curl all toes but the middle one. Then he lifted his leg with a fake bravado on his face before he rammed his foot downwards so the toe hit the surface of the nightstand and snapped with a sickening sound. Kyoya actually flinched at the noise and he thanked his years of being a doctor for not feeling too nauseous at the sight of the toe now being red and swollen at an almost perfect 90-degree angle. Hikaru was biting his lip during the whole ordeal in order to not let out a single sound as he carefully placed his foot back on the bed. After a couple of seconds of heavy breathing and rapid blinking to get rid of the watery eyes, with a shaky hand, Hikaru grabbed the wounded toe and snapped it back in place; the noise was just as disgusting as before. This time Hikaru let out the smallest pained moan and a drop of blood ran down from his lips. That last part wouldn't have happened if he hadn't felt the need to try to not appear weak in front of Kyoya.

"You can't wait too long before you do that?" Kyoya asked. "Or did you just want me to watch this?"

"Can you blame me for not wanting to break my toes the first chance I get?" Hikaru responded dryly before gently putting his sock over his abused foot again.

Kyoya considered asking if he shouldn't take a look at that but he knew that Hikaru wouldn't take him up on that offer. He might not have wanted to have any medical help because that would give his actions away… or maybe he did. This must have been what Shinohara was talking about. This was the behavior that had made his colleague look so worn out.

"Is it just your toes or does your fingers count as well?" Kyoya couldn't help but inquire. "And if you decided to do this in front of me to catch me off guard or intimidate me then you failed".

"Yes, fingers count, if you really want to feed your morning curiosity", Hikaru sneered and crossed his arms again. "For how long have you known?"

"That you were a zero as well?" Kyoya said. "As someone who isn't very informed on the matter, I wasn't aware exactly about the genetics behind zeroes. In retrospect, it does seem logical that someone with almost the same DNA would be a zero too. However, it was never mentioned so I assumed you just went along because you were Kaoru's brother and not because you were helpful in the same way".

"I used to be just as helpful in the beginning but my serum was a lot easier to recreate. Apparently, us being twins doesn't change that fact", Hikaru said dismissively.

"The dream serum, right? The one Kaoru has to take? It's mixed with his I've heard, but it's mostly yours I assume?".

For a moment Hikaru looked guilty but he quickly shook it off.

"Yeah… ", Hikaru answered hesitantly. "I assume they only started to mix it up recently… or maybe his does work perfectly being recreated when it's mixed with mine. But still not the desired effect because you can't capture every person that's involved in a mission and inject them with the serum. I don't doubt they are working on it. But enough about that, this wasn't what I asked about. I want to know how long you have known that I have invaded your dreams".

"I… l".

Kyoya's eyes widened in realization and a whole new level of anger filled him but he tried to stay as calm and collected as possible.

"Didn't I just make it clear that the thought of you being a zero never came to mind?" He asked through gritted teeth. This time it was Hikaru's eyes that widened when he realized that he had now accidentally revealed something that he could have gotten away with. "It's your fault that my nightmares have gotten worse".

If there was any hint of sympathy for what Hikaru had to do to himself, it sure was gone now. They stared silently at each other before Hikaru looked away. Kyoya had to take several deep and calming breaths in order to not attack and strangle the Boy. The older twin had invaded his privacy in the worst way possible. He couldn't remember Hikaru seeing something too private, but he sure escalated his nightmares… and exactly when did he start to pretend to be Kaoru in the last dream!? It couldn't have been during the whole make-out session but the thought of him being there for part of it wasn't much better.

"You really are deranged, aren't you Hikaru?" Kyoya asked with a mean laugh. "I can't fathom why you would think that you had the right to do that to me. You have no idea how lucky you are that I pity you and lo- care a lot about Kaoru. But if I find out that you have touched my dreams again, I'll definitely tell Kaoru. Do you get that?"

Hikaru looked at him in disbelief for a moment. Kyoya wasn't sure why, he thought that he was pretty clear. That paranoid little psychopath had overstepped a line Kyoya hadn't even known existed. He truly was the luckiest man in the world that Kyoya was infatuated with his brother… but did he almost say the L word? It was still too early to tell, right? It was probably just a slip up. That word just fit in perfectly in that sentence…

"You are not…. you are not going to report me?" Hikaru asked in incomprehension. "Not even to Kaoru?"

"No. We are both going to leave this behind us. I won't tell Kaoru if you stay the hell away from my dreams from now on. If you really get overboard with it then I might tell a superior about you. But I'm not going to do any of that now", Kyoya promised begrudgingly.

"But… you have no reason to not say anything", Hikaru pointed out, sounding confused but also pleadingly; he couldn't believe the kindness Kyoya showed him. "If Kaoru doesn't know about this, then you can't win him over by pretending to be the better person! You are not winning anything by staying quiet!"

"I feel bad for you, Hikaru", Kyoya said, genuinely sympathetic as some of the anger faltered by Hikaru's words. "Your mind is not working for you at all. You are right about assuming that I'm not doing this for you, because it sure is becoming harder and harder to see anything good in you, but you're wrong about me just doing this to appear nice. Kaoru doesn't need to know every single kind thing I'm doing for him. If I felt like it was needed to tell him, then it wouldn't be kindness, right?" Hikaru stayed silent so Kyoya continued. "Believe me, I really, REALLY want to report you for doing something this horrible to me, but I know it would hurt Kaoru and this is not the way he would want to handle this. He would also be utterly crushed if he heard what you have done to me. That's why I don't want to tell him unless I really have to".

"So you… you won't tell anyone if I stop?" Hikaru asked weakly. "Really?"

"Yes, really… so if you broke your toe in front of me as a part of your plan to try to intimidate me into silence… you really now should rethink your own perception of me. I know you believe that no one else can care about your brother as deeply as you do… but you have to realize that he is amazing and that it's difficult to not care about him. I have tried. I know you are still not going to fully believe that I would go so damn far for that boy but I'm most certainly not doing this for you and not doing this for show… so where does that leave me?"

Once again Hikaru was speechless. Not having any other civil thing left to say, Kyoya decided that the conversation was over and he left. Exhaustion as well as the whole conversation that just took place was making his head pound. He just wanted to crawl back into bed with his adorable sleeping boyfriend and catch a few more hours of sleep before having to face this messed up world of his again. No one could claim that their partner's family was more horrible to them than Hikaru had been to Kyoya. There was no one he could complain about his "crazy (non) brother-in-law" to who wouldn't want to put him in the looney house either. He couldn't imagine a post about this on Reddit (yes, he was trash) would gain him any sympathy that wasn't directed at his mental health. A small voice at the back of his mind was telling him that he wasn't freaking out nearly as much as he should, but he blamed the overall madness in the base for the detachment to the seriousness. This whole thing was still infuriating but if Hikaru stopped making his nightmares worse then he could maybe let this slide (just a little bit). Hikaru was convinced that Kyoya was going to hurt Kaoru after all… but Kyoya still wouldn't be able to forgive Hikaru.

A content sigh left the young doctor's lips when he was finally in the confines of his room again. Kaoru was still sound asleep and the sight made Kyoya immediately undress (only leaving a T-shirt and boxers on) before sliding under the covers next to him. The younger male had turned around in his sleep so Kyoya had the perfect opportunity to spoon him from behind (despite knowing how dead his arm would feel in the morning). Kyoya could almost swear that Kaoru seemed happier and more relaxed now when he was back but it could just be personal bias. The older male closed his eyes and despite the hectic morning, he fell asleep pretty quickly. This time his dreams had no hint of Hikaru in them.

---

Kaoru felt nervous as soon as Morinozuka stepped into the twins' room. He hadn't thought about the possible self-harm investigation since the day before; his mind being too occupied with the memories from that morning with the best wake up ever and Hikaru. The older redhead had worried him with his silence. Besides being extremely concerned, Kaoru was also trying to muster up enough courage to tell Hikaru off. The older twin might have been under the impression that Kaoru would just forgive and forget when he was no longer in the heat of the moment. However, Kaoru was adamant that change needed to take place, for both of their sakes. But now, he had something else to think about…

"Do you remember what we talked about last time I was here?" Morinozuka asked Kaoru, seemingly purposefully ignoring the other twin.

It was just as difficult as always to read the taller man's body language.

"Yes. You threatened to report me to our superiors for suspected self-destructive behavior", Kaoru recalled dryly.

He knew that the older male was just trying to look out for him but this was an unfair and painful situation. Morinozuka must have been able to understand where Kaoru was coming from.

"That's correct… apparently my report was lacking several vital parts of information-". Kaoru's ears immediately perked up in interest. "Like for example, a close examination of the wounds and convincing reasons as to why I wouldn't believe your explanation". Morinozuka sounded disappointed while Kaoru was internally celebrating. "You are a lucky man, Kaoru… or maybe you aren't… ".

"Why wouldn't I be? I didn't lie about this not being what you said it was… ".

"Because they have started an investigation for less than this for other Boys. They have never really asked for specifics before, even if it is required… Do you know what this means?" Morinozuka inquired and Kaoru could swear that he saw concern and sympathy in his eyes.

"That they have stopped locking people up for the bare minimum?" Kaoru suggested half heartedly but Morinozuka just sadly shook his head.

"It means that they have decided to put you on the list… the list for the people they are completely sure would never do anything to harm themselves seriously because of their loyalty to the military. Only the most useful zeroes are put on that list… I wouldn't look so happy about it if I were you", Morinozuka warned indolently with narrowed eyes.

Kaoru hadn't noticed that he let his emotions play out so freely on his face. He couldn't help it, he was still acting like a happy little puppy every time he heard that he was useful… It was incredibly sad.

"You haven't quite explained how it's a bad thing yet", Kaoru pointed out in an attempt to justify his embarrassing reaction.

"It's a really bad thing because it means that they will avoid red flags because they are so convinced that this place is your reason for existing. Apparently, they evaluated you several times and came to the conclusion that your usefulness will keep you from committing suicide. No matter if you harm yourself or not".

Now Kaoru finally understood what Morinozuka was trying to tell him; if he ever experienced severe mental anguish, it would just be ignored. Yes, it was working in his favor at this moment but what about the future? Kaoru always knew that he wouldn't be able to live if something happened to Hikaru. Even if Kyoya would be with him to help him see anything good with his life, Kaoru would still most likely be a train wreck. Were they just going to ignore him then as well? Despite how important the military really was for Kaoru, it was nowhere as important as his brother. It was quite an insult that they assumed they were the sole reason for Kaoru's existence now when he thought about it.

"I still wouldn't give up if you really needed help in the future", Morinozuka promised with a soft voice, interrupting Kaoru's thoughts. "I need to leave now. Good luck on the treatment later".

And with that he left before Kaoru could respond. Before Morinozuka opened his mouth, Kaoru assumed that the taller male would either leave Kaoru feeling relieved or angry… he hadn't imagined that he would feel extremely concerned about his future instead.

"At least that's over", Hikaru murmured, his voice cracking slightly because this was the first time Kaoru had heard him use it today.

"You should just have stayed quiet", Kaoru said and glared at him. "I might be out of the water, but you certainly are not. Yes, I am still angry with you".

"I really meant it when I said that I was sorry. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself for you taking the heat and being forced to be taken away because of ridiculous self-harm accusations".

Hikaru sounded more irate because of Morinozuka's actions rather than his own and Kaoru wouldn't tolerate that.

"But you can forgive yourself for the other shit you did to me? The shit I haven't even forgiven you for? At least Morinozuka was trying to help me with his stupid plan. I'm starting to suspect that you might even enjoy hurting me… ".

That seemed to really gain a reaction out of Hikaru, who looked absolutely horrified and was fuming at the same time.

"Enjoying it!?" He exclaimed in perplexed disbelief. "You think I'm fucking lying every time I express how horrible I feel!?"

"Well, you accuse other people of being liars, including me, so it might be a classical case of projecting", Kaoru pointed out dryly and Hikaru turned quiet.

He did feel bad for Hikaru and he wasn't actually under the impression that his twin was an abusive sadist. But he had to get through to him somehow.

"So you feel like shit when you hurt me?" Kaoru asked and Hikaru silently nodded; it wasn't entirely clear for Kaoru why Hikaru was quiet as opposed to loud after mentioning the accusations, but he digressed. "Then I need to put my foot down so you finally understand that this needs to stop. I can't let you continue. You need to stop".

"I-I kn-know!" Hikaru stuttered. "But I don't know how".

"You need to feel that there are actual stakes involved. Because right now I'm just forgiving you all the fucking time and that's not working… if you can't find a way to hold yourself back, then I'm requesting my own room".

Both looked equally shocked by Kaoru's promise/threat. It wasn't just Hikaru's worst fear of being separated from Kaoru, it was Kaoru's as well. But if continuing this mess would hurt them this much, then maybe they both had to hurt in another way for this to get better.

"Kaoru… ".

"I am not saying this to be petty. You know that they will separate us without hesitation if they think we are dangerous to each other. If being with you less is what's going to change things then I have to be the adult and make that decision".

"Please don't leave", Hikaru begged and almost fell when he slowly approached him. "I can't… I need to have you here. You just have to be here".

"And I will be here as long you keep your hands off of me. Also, if we have separate rooms, we will still be able to see each other. That's something we won't be able to do if we are forcibly separated. What's worse, Hikaru? You continuing to hurt me and I do everything I can to cover for you while I start to resent or maybe even fear you? Or them preventing us from seeing each other at all? Because those are the choices if I'm not using something to calm you the fuck down".

They both looked at each other without saying anything; Kaoru appearing determined and Hikaru appearing submissive while exuding anxiety and fear. As usual, Kaoru wanted to console his brother but Kyoya's voice in his head kept telling him to think about himself and keep strong.

"You… This could be a good idea", Hikaru finally relented and Kaoru looked at him, perplexed. "I hate hurting you… but maybe I do need something like this to better keep myself at bay, an actual possible consequence… something is seriously wrong with me… ".

Hikaru looked down at the ground with slouched shoulders. Hikaru showing that he knew that something was wrong with him, as well as agreeing with Kaoru, was more than Kaoru could ever have hoped for. He suspected that Hikaru might have been thinking hard during the time between their fight and Kaoru's return to their room that morning. Or maybe Kaoru finally laid everything out to him in a constructive way? He would never know for sure.

"I don't want to leave you, you know", Kaoru assured meekly. "It would hurt me just as much. I just want what's best for us".

"I know you do", Hikaru sighed. "Thank you for not letting me get away with shit like this", he added, seemingly angry with himself finally.

"I have learned that it's good to stand up for myself even when it comes to people I care deeply about".

"I guess… I guess Kyoya taught you at least something helpful", Hikaru murmured begrudgingly before saying something about taking a shower and he disappeared into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Kaoru just stared after him in shock. Hikaru had been correct about Kyoya being the culprit for the 'life-changing revelation', but Kaoru made sure not to mention that. Hikaru would never sing the doctor praises, so the thought of him even playing with the thought that Kyoya was a good influence was normally laughable. The younger twin did not know how to take this, he was far too astonished to even try to touch the topic of Hikaru warming up to a Kyoya with a ten feet pole. This was too weird, he wanted to be happy for this little win Goddamnit!

Not hearing the shower turn on yet, Kaoru approached the door and knocked.

"Are you alright? I really appreciate you wanting to work with me and I hope you are not angry at me... I love you", Kaoru called through the door.

They hadn't told each other that in a while, but it felt like it was time to say it again. Maybe hearing Kaoru reminding him that he truly still cared could help Hikaru stop being so paranoid. Yes, Kaoru was still spending a lot of time with his brother, but Hikaru clearly needed more active reassurance. It didn't mean that Kaoru would push Kyoya away in any way in favor of his brother, he would just have to change his strategy somewhat.

"I love you too", Hikaru said back, quieter and Kaoru could almost swear that he choked up slightly at the end.

It could have been considered an overreaction if Kaoru's mind wasn't just playing tricks on him. However, Hikaru's head was in a very sensitive and odd place at the moment.

The sound of the shower finally reached Kaoru's ears and he decided to leave the older redhead alone for now and went back to his bed. He wasn't exactly sure what to do right now, maybe mentally prepare himself for his memory treatment later… he had to remind himself that this was all for a good cause, but going through painful memories with Henry the sadist nearby wasn't the most pleasant thought in the world… would he ever get a break?

---

Hikaru wasn't much more responsive than usual when Shinohara first started his check-up. Surprisingly, the silence wasn't staying for long this time around.

"Are you worried about your brother?" Shinohara finally asked while removing the equipment used for checking Hikaru's blood pressure (Hikaru never bothered learning what those were called). "He is being heavily monitored, nothing bad should happen… I noticed that you seemed to have trouble walking", the doctor stated matter of factly, finally cutting to the chase.

"I guess… ".

"Can I take a look?"

"If you feel the need to".

Shinohara gestured to him to put his feet on the table so Hikaru lifted them off the ground, turned and laid his legs on the hard surface. The older male asked which foot was the problem and Hikaru told him it was the left one before the doctor carefully removed the left sock. It wasn't difficult to localize the painful toe because it was still red and swollen to a worrying degree.

"I would prefer not having to prepare for amputation in the near future because you aren't taking care of this", Shinohara said while holding the foot still to take a better look. "You are far too careless. None of the toes are as straight as they should be".

"Plastic toe surgery might be in my future then", Hikaru couldn't help but remark incredulously and Shinohara cracked the smallest smile.

"You are quite lucky that this isn't scarring your face instead", Shinohara told him sternly. "These won't look much better than they do now… hmm, I think I'll make a cast so it heals in the proper position. I would prefer if you had an x-ray, but I know that won't happen".

He let go of Hikaru's foot and walked to the shelf to gather what he needed. Hikaru finally felt like he could let out the breath he had held in favor of not showing how painful the examination was. A certain thought was starting to circulate through his head. He had considered asking about it before, but he had been too scared of it bursting a bubble and making Shinohara do exactly what he hadn't been doing. Assuming that Shinohara, having a Japanese name, knew the language, Hikaru started to speak that instead of English.

"Not that I am complaining… because I can honestly say that I am thankful", he started to say but Shinohara was still looking through the shelf so nothing told him that the doctor heard or understood anything. "But why aren't you reporting me for what I'm doing? You are just acting like I got into a stupid accident every time you see me walk. I know that you know what I'm doing".

Shinohara, seemingly finally having everything he needed, turned around and walked back to the confused teen.

"I am doing my job and that's all", Shinohara answered nonchalantly, also in Japanese, before starting to tend to the broken toe.

He had a little bit of an accent and hesitated with some words. Hikaru assumed that he didn't speak Japanese often, but the hesitation could also be a normal consequence of being bilingual.

"But… you aren't though… ", Hikaru said hesitantly and immediately regretted his words.

"What if he hadn't actually known about needing to report unauthorized zero power use… fuck".

"For all everyone knows, I am doing my job", Shinohara said with just the slightest hint of sternness in his voice to make it clear that he wanted the conversation to end right there and now.

Hikaru wanted to ask why he was doing this but furthering the discussion didn't seem like something the older male wanted. This man cared more about his job than anything else, why would he then risk losing it by lying? Granted, it could be hard to prove that Shinohara was even aware of what was going on if Hikaru didn't throw him under the bus or if no one believed him. However, it was still a risk Shinohara would never take, being silent.

They were quiet until Shinohara was finally finished with Hikaru's toe and walked away to discard the unused supplies.

"Is your toe feeling slightly better?" The doctor asked and Hikaru murmured a yes while glancing at the orange cast.

"Thanks… ", Hikaru said while putting on his sock again.

"Don't mention it. I am just doing my job", Shinohara dismissed and Hikaru's shoulders slumped.

"I guess so".

The doctor turned away from the shelf and looked at his patient again.

"Are you disappointed in me, Hikaru?" Shinohara asked, a little taken aback but mostly sounding as professionally nonchalant as usual.

"Disappointed in you?" Hikaru repeated, perplexed. "You are being a good doctor, nothing to be disappointed about".

"You… ", Shinohara hesitated. "You don't like to hear that I'm just being a good doctor".

"I… I don't understand why you are so adamant about making things awkward all of sudden", Hikaru muttered and looked away from Shinohara's penetrating gaze.

"No I… you are correct, I apologize", the doctor relented and Hikaru breathed out in relief.

"I don't expect every single man I meet to replace my father if that's what you were accusing me of".

"No, of course not. But I am fully aware of the relationship between my colleague and your brother".

Hikaru's eyes widened but he was still turned away so the other male couldn't see his reaction.

"Their relationship?" He said as calmly as possible to not accidentally give something away if he just misunderstood what his doctor was implying.

"Yes. You have probably noticed that Otori cares a lot about his patient. It surprised me initially because I falsely assumed that he was too much like me, but he didn't pretend to be okay with Kaoru's zero status out of professionalism like I would have in his place. Instead, he actually changed his mind completely and has seemingly no issues with him being a zero whatsoever".

"Do you think he is weak for changing so fast for a mere patient?" Hikaru couldn't help but sarcastically ask. "Because a man like you values professionalism".

"I wouldn't say that I think he is weak, but he is putting himself in a vulnerable position by potentially leaving the job in a worse state than he entered it by caring so much about an individual who is just going to become more and more hurt… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I should have been more careful with my words, his patient is your brother after all… ".

"What about you?" Hikaru asked, ignoring the last part of what Shinohara had said. "Would you say that you are pretending to be okay with my zero status out of professionalism?"

Hikaru finally turned to look at Shinohara, who stared at the smaller male with a confused examining look.

"Why are you asking that?"

"Because 'I falsely assumed that he was too much like me, but he didn't pretend to be okay with Kaoru's zero status out of professionalism like I would have in his place'. That's what you said", Hikaru explained and crossed his arms.

Hikaru tried to keep up the appearance of smug indifference from calling Shinohara out even if that wasn't what he actually felt. He already knew the answer he would believe so asking might have been a pointless move, but he would rather get confirmation than making things up in his own head and believing them religiously. Something he had been accused of more than once. Even though he wasn't sure that he completely agreed that he had a problem with that, he still decided to at least try hearing what people had to say instead of coming to his own conclusions. No matter how sure he was that his opinions wouldn't change.

"If I was in Kyoya's position, from the point of view of someone who exhibits strong and seemingly unchangeable prejudice, I would have pretended and not dropped everything I believed in for a single person I barely know", Shinohara elaborated. "That's what I implied".

"But in this situation with you and I, are you actually accepting of me being a zero or are you just being professional? You can be honest with me. You can't possibly lose my trust. I am not really known for expecting more than the worst out of people", Hikaru said the last part dryly.

"If you expect the worst of me, does it matter what I say?"

"I guess not. But some things confirm my suspicions more than others", Hikaru said with a sad smile.

"Hikaru", Shinohara said and walked towards him. "No matter what your mind will make you believe, there are many, MANY, things in life I care about more than your zero status".

"I know", Hikaru agreed with a nod. "Your job, your paycheck… ".

"Yes, but I can assure you that I also care more about the weather in India than about you being a zero", Shinohara said indolently.

"I don't know if I believe that", Hikaru said with a lopsided smirk that didn't quite reach his eyes. "And before you blame my personal bias, you should have given me a straight answer instead of beating around the bush. Heck, you technically still haven't given me a straight answer. I just have to assume that you couldn't care less about the weather in India".

"If that's wha… ".

"This explains why you aren't reporting me and why you act somewhat worried about my fucking toes. You are worried that I'll use my powers on you if you do that and every time you see a broken toe you wonder 'hmm, did this kid invade my dreams this time?'"

"You are coming to a lot of conclusions".

"Well, you aren't even trying to prove me wrong so you have no right to blame me. Just go and fucking report me already!" He exclaimed and Shinohara flinched, which was the first reaction he gave that wasn't completely drowned in indifference. "You can do it without my knowledge, they will keep you in a zero proof room so I can't get to your dreams while they get me and put me on a stopper for the rest of my life. A stopper that will eventually most likely cause me brain damage, but it might make me calmer, or they will just put a permanent deactivator in my head. In any case, you'll be completely fine".

"Why are you saying all of this?"

"Why am I telling you how to do this? Because you clearly didn't know and I don't want you to pretend around me. Tell me the truth and if you are afraid of my powers, make sure I can't use them".

"The deactivator could cause symptoms akin to lobotomy".

"I know, but if you won't believe that I'm staying out of your dreams and you won't be honest with me then fucking go and do it. I promise you it won't take a lot for them to believe you. They will all jump at the opportunity to put the animal down".

"The animal?"

"Are you gonna continue to be super selective about what you decide to give an answer to? If you are going to be this condescendingly vague, then I'm done here", Hikaru declared and jumped off the table, flinching slightly when his toe not so gently touched the ground. "I hope you are either more honest and direct next time or just quiet. I don't appreciate you being this insulting and patronizing. Professionalism my ass".

That last part seemed to strike a nerve within Shinohara and Hikaru soaked up his small win like he was the thirstiest man at the smallest pond. He really hoped that the doctor would keep his mouth shut and not say any more infuriating things. It was unfair that Shinohara had avoided going straight to the point pretty much every single time and then was surprised that Hikaru didn't buy his bullshit!? And then acting like Hikaru is over-emotional and ridiculous for being doubtful? Fuck him. A small part of Hikaru was extremely disappointed… and a little hurt. A little and almost inaudible voice in his head had suggested that Shinohara gave at least a small fraction of a fuck about him. Maybe Shinohara was correct when he assumed that Hikaru expected something of him because of how Kyoya (allegedly) cared about his brother. It was so stupid and humiliating. Kaoru was, and would always remain, the only person who cared about him… and Kaoru was the only one of them who anyone cared about. Two harsh truths that Hikaru just needed to accept fully before he hurt himself more.

He started to walk towards the exit with a cloud of cold but slightly detached melancholy over his head. The answer had been obvious from the beginning, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt to get it confirmed.

"I really couldn't care less about the weather in India", Shinohara said, switching back to English.

A sad and deranged laugh escaped Hikaru's lips before he could help it. He wasn't exactly sure why he laughed.

"I am not gonna use my powers on you. If you don't believe me then do something about it", Hikaru repeated with a shrug. "And if you're trying to tell me what you think I need to hear, do it properly. Like you actually give a damn".

With that, Hikaru finally left. Shinohara stared after him with an unreadable look on his face.

Kaoru smiled, a bit coyly, at Ryoichi when he walked into the room. The same lady from the meeting was standing next to Ryoichi's chair with a box of tissues in her hand. It seemed like worry was a permanent feeling because she had the same expression on her face that she wore during the meeting. Or maybe Kaoru just assumed that because he only truly looked at her face after Ryoichi made his zero sacrifice. She did also have a good reason for having the same expression now.

The area Ryoichi and Sadao lived in were quite different from what Kaoru was used to. His memory from the time before the military was vague, but he would still say with a certain amount of certainty that the place reminded him of a retirement home with barely any occupants. Apart from Ryoichi, Kaoru had only seen two strangers and a quick glance of Sadao as he was leaving with a doctor. It was unfortunate that they didn't get a chance to talk to each other but, hopefully, more opportunities would come for that.

The small room he was in currently with a doctor, Ryoichi and the lady was small and only had a little rectangular table with two chairs facing each other. The light was so dim that they could barely see each other.

"Hi, Kaoru", Ryoichi said with a hoarse voice. "It's good to see you and properly talk this time".

It was obvious that he didn't talk much, or at least that he hadn't talked in a while. Kaoru assumed that he was either using his powers or just sitting silently beside Sadao. Maybe the latter, Ryoichi probably wanted to spare as much of his hands as possible.

"I apologize for my voice", Ryoichi, the mind reader, said. "I have recently been sick and neither me or Sadao felt like talking much since the Yoshito incident. I think you can understand".

"I can? Because of Jiro?"

"Yes. I wish I could have talked to him before he… you know".

"Did you read my mind before when you apologized for your voice?" Kaoru asked, not wanting to dive into the topic of his late friend.

"No", Ryoichi chuckled. "If I had then the session would have been cut pretty short. It was mostly because I heard myself talk and I thought I saw a reaction in your face. Speaking of the session, how many weeks have you gone through the treatment now?"

"Three weeks. How much am I expected to hold back against your powers after three weeks?"

"I don't think it's good that I tell you", Ryoichi told him apologetically. "I don't want to risk putting pressure on you or risk getting you in the wrong mindset. Take a seat and I'll explain the process more thoroughly".

Kaoru nodded and obliged. The chair was rather uncomfortable and that was saying much considering how low quality everything he was used to was. Hopefully, it was just this room and not a reflection of the entire wing. The zeroes he had passed by and his old friends looked like they deserved much better treatment for their service. For example, Ryoichi had literally become physically disabled for the military. The concerned lady helping him to drink water or wipe blood better not be the best treatment they could offer him for compensation.

"Or do I need to explain things?" Ryoichi asked. "I wouldn't want to bore you with details you might have already been told".

"I only know that you are going to test me to see how my progress is going, if and how much I can block you out".

"Yes. I am going to test you four times every time we see each other. We'll have a pause in between. Trust me, it's probably needed".

Kaoru was a little sceptical of that but decided not to verbalize his doubts because Ryoichi probably knew what he was talking about. The reason why Kaoru was taking his words with a grain of salt was because he had been a target of Ryoichi's powers before (for example in the meeting). However, he was open to the possibility of things being different this time around.

"Have you done this before?"

"I helped to make the previous blockade… unfortunately, the process wasn't as good back then, however, so he didn't become a blockade. They are way less sloppy now, I've heard", Ryoichi concluded and Kaoru wasn't sure if he added the last part to put Kaoru at ease or because he just had a lot of trust in the military.

"Did he-".

"He was retired and left the base", Ryoichi quickly assured. "Exactly what that implies, however, I don't know. Anyway, today I am going to warn you every single time before I use my powers on you. Eventually, I won't warn you at all but we need to ease you into this. Partly because we need to see if resistance is building up and partly so we can slowly train it. It's like when you go to the gym, you are not gonna get results if you go for the heaviest weights as a beginner".

"I think I get what you're saying".

"Good", Ryoichi smiled. "When I say that we start, you need to think about a number in your head. It's mostly for your sake so you won't risk thinking about something you don't want me to blurt out. But I also think it's good to remember the number while trying to push me out. Builds resistance better. With time, you will block out most powers automatically, but to speed up the process and develop a better manual function, it's good that you try to block me out as much as you can".

"The research is thorough for a team that has yet to produce a single functioning blockade", Kaoru pointed out dryly and Ryoichi laughed.

"They have spent more time doing their research since James… or whatever his name was. I'm just as little of an American as you are, I don't know the names well. Anyway, do you have any questions before we start?"

"Yes, how exactly am I supposed to block you out? You have had no problems getting in my head before and it never feels like something is physically trying to invade my mind or something like that".

"It's quite difficult to explain. The best way to put it is that if you have enough resilience you will feel me trying to push in and also feel that you can push back. Exactly how successful you'll be depends on the resilience. Like I said before, I can't tell you where we expect you to be but don't expect to be able to push me out today".

"I can assure you that I'm not that cocky", Kaoru smirked.

Kaoru didn't like how vague the explanation was but he just had to trust Ryoichi on his words. He could always complain afterward if things still didn't make sense to him.

"I can think about a random number, right?" Kaoru inquired. "As long as I don't tell you what it is. I assume that would defeat the point… ".

"Yes, but I highly recommend an easy number. You know, so you'll be able to remember it and try to push me out at the same time. Under ten is your best bet if you don't have a favorite number or something".

"Sounds good".

"Are you ready to start?"

"As ready as I can be I guess".

"Great. Think about your number. I'm gonna go in, in 3… 2… 1… ".

Kaoru immediately understood what Ryoichi meant before. Normally it would have taken a fraction of a second for the other male to enter his mind without Kaoru noticing before making his presence known. This time around Kaoru's head was literally thrown back, straining his neck, as he felt something physically hit him in the head and force its way in like a ball through a small opening in his forehead. It was fortunately over quickly and Kaoru straightened himself and looked at Ryoichi again, who had a concerned and confused look on his face.

"Wasn't that supposed to happen?" Kaoru worriedly asked as the other boy lifted his hand (or what was left of it) to his face and bit hard enough to draw blood.

The concerned lady immediately started to dab at the wound with a tissue. She looked oddly distressed about such a small wound but maybe it had more to do with the overall look of his hands. Infections were probably common.

"She is mostly worried because it's her nature", Ryoichi explained with a fond chuckle as she started to wipe away the blood from the corner of his lips. "As a mother".

"I take your random explanation about her as you not needing to tell me what number I thought about".

"You couldn't choose between 8 and 4".

"Yeah, yeah I get it. I need more 'training'... And I don't know if I believe in the concept of 'motherly nature'".

"I can imagine that", Ryoichi said sympathetically. "Most of us don't really have the best re… or actually a relationship at all with our parents".

"Most of us?" Kaoru repeated, skeptical.

"Yes most of all", Ryoichi chuckled before he started to look more coy. "She isn't just any mother".

An expression that said "damn straight" flashed in the lady's face briefly and it finally dawned on Kaoru.

"She is your mother!?" He concluded, louder than he intended to. "How?"

"I assume you're either asking how she is allowed to be here or how and why she chose to be here, and not how she is my mother. I have read your thoughts thoroughly enough to know that you are informed enough of the process of conception", Ryoichi snickered, not giving enough details to give away Kaoru's relationship to Kyoya to the mother and the doctor in the corner. "She is very headstrong. Wouldn't let me join until she was properly informed about my part. Even when she agreed on me coming here, she insisted on coming along. She is a retired veteran. You know Grimes, he has a sore spot for veterans… like she has a sore spot for Sadao, I'm starting to think she likes him better", he teased and his mother gave him a half disapproving and half-amused look.

Mother. Kaoru couldn't stop looking at her now. Knowing who she was made this scene even more bizarre to him. Parents didn't like their zero offspring, that just didn't happen. They were happy to give away their kids to whatever place could take them, even offer a large amount of money to keep the kid away in Jiro's dad's case. However, this parent (allegedly) sacrificed her life outside just to wipe the blood away from her son's hands all day?

"Back to what you were saying before", Ryoichi said, a little more serious after Kaoru was stuck in perplexed silence. "The reaction is abnormal after only nine sessions in total. Our doctor friend doesn't look as astonished so I assume that they suspected that your Richter vine is already pretty… pretty strong. Because of your past, I guess. I suspect genetics can play a role as well, in fact, they are testing that theory currently. Maybe they then also think you have a genetic boost… I also think that you might have built up a better resistance because of 'more experience'", he said and the look he gave Kaoru suggested that he knew how without reading his mind (cough, Hikaru).

It was weird how Ryoichi hesitated before calling Kaoru's Richter vine strong. The tone in his voice wasn't convincing either. But Kaoru wasn't sure if it was a conversation they could have there and he wasn't too bothered by it. It was too pleasing to hear that he was making quicker progress than expected. That's what's most important, right? So instead of questioning him, Kaoru let him continue:

"You asked me beforehand what was expected of you this time. You were supposed to feel me enter your mind, not get whiplash. You were supposed to be eased into this, not be mentally punched by me. We have to adjust the treatment", He said the last part while looking at the doctor who nodded at him in confirmation.

"Is that a bad thing?" Kaoru asked while staring back and forth between them, heart sinking in his chest.

"Not necessarily, for the mission I mean. I assume that's what you are worried about. I suspect we have to have fewer sessions with you and me for now and they will most likely try to pile up more things to break you down so you can build yourself up… I know that last part sounds cheesy, but it's literally what you are doing. Are we done for today, doctor, or do you want us to try again?"

"You can try one more time. But I think continuing this, for now, will just do more harm than good", the doctor said and Ryoichi turned back to Kaoru.

It saddened Kaoru that their meeting would be cut short. He liked being around old friends again, especially old friends that wouldn't try to kill him (to his knowledge).

"I'm all aboard for trying again", Kaoru chimed in and his friend nodded.

"Alright. Remember your number - a new one…. and actually just one this time around", Ryoichi reminded him and received a sheepish smile in return. "Ready?"

"Yeah, I'm ready".

"3… 2… 1… ".

Once again, Kaoru's head was flung backward by an invincible force. It hurt more this time because his neck was still sore from the previous try.

"I told you only to think about one number. Your numbers were 'ouch' and 'fuck'", Ryoichi teased and Kaoru was too glad to see him so much at ease to be able to fully be angry with him for laughing at his misery.

Ryoichi caused another small wound on his finger and the lad- his mother opened her huge purse and started to properly tend to his hands. She cleaned new and old wounds, put on a cream and wrapped a thick white bandage around the hands until they looked like oval stumps; his fingers were restricted but it wasn't like he could properly use them anyway. Ryoichi's face twitched from time to time during the whole process while Kaoru was staring at the woman with awe.

"I assume it didn't go better this time", Ryoichi said after his mother was finished and now zipped up her bag.

"Unfortunately not… but at least I can sense if a zero tries to use their powers on me now… ".

"Yes, by flying backward. You are welcomed for your new superpower, super-backward flying-man".

"You just tested me, you didn't do shit to give me this… ".

"I actually did. I was not just chosen because it makes testing easier. Telepathic zeroes can unlock things in other's brains".

"Didn't you just imply that I have gotten this far thanks to my own trauma, being a target for zero powers plus possible genetics?"

"You are listening, that's good. Yeah, that's the reason why you reacted the way you did, but have you felt this neck-snapping sensation previously when powers have been used on you?"

He got a point. Hikaru had been invading his dreams for God knows how many times and Kaoru never woke up because of his head trying to ... Jiro hadn't caused him this kind of reaction either.

"Okay, let's say I buy that you had a hand in this", Kaoru started off by saying. "What exactly did you unlock?"

Ryoichi's smile slowly disappeared and his mother squirmed slightly in her place. Obviously, if she was as headstrong as Ryoichi had claimed, she had been made aware of every part of her son's involvement.

"It's nothing you are going to notice right away. It's just something that makes you progress faster… you will probably never notice it. You have other things to think about".

Before Kaoru could probe him further, the doctor opened the door and the light from outside of the room immediately forced the people inside to either narrow or cover their eyes.

"We are done for today", the doctor explained.

"Do you want to stay for a bit, Kaoru?" Ryoichi asked, slightly resembling a shy little kid who was asking if he could come and play, before he turned to look at the doctor. "If it's alright of course".

"If he has nothing else to do then I don't think anyone would care", the doctor shrugged. "As long as he gets back in time. I was told that he has a mission to prepare for".

"A mission? Isn't he busy enough?" Ryoichi shook his head and looked at Kaoru again. "So do you? You haven't properly talked with Sadao yet. I know he would like to speak with you. I do understand that you might want to rest if you have another mission. We can always spend time together another day".

"No, I want to stay for a bit. The mission isn't gonna be this soon anyway", Kaoru assured and the doctor nodded at him before he left.

The room immediately became darker again as soon as the door closed.

"Great, that's great", Ryoichi said and stood up.

Kaoru also stood up and really realized how tall the other male was. With his mother close behind, Ryoichi walked to the door, a little unsteady. The young redhead suspected, although his hands were the main targets of his zero sacrifice, that his feet weren't getting away unscathed. Kaoru followed him out of the small room to an area that kind of reminded him of the Boys' social/common room. The differences were that this area was more colorful with the green couches and brownish-orange carpets and they seemed to have more yoga gear and relaxation-related things.

"So zeroes who aren't Boys are treated like grandmas?" Kaoru asked as they sat down on the couch and Ryoichi laughed.

"I feel like a grandma so yes", Ryoichi joked.

After a few minutes of catching up, Sadao finally joined them. He looked pretty pleased with Kaoru's presence when he finally noticed that he was there after already sitting down next to Ryoichi.

"Hi, Kaoru", Sadao said with a surprisingly deep voice. "Didn't see you there".

"It's alright", Kaoru assured dismissively. "It's a bit unexpected, I understand".

The next couple of hours, the three zeros spent time talking and playing card games (with Ryoichi's mother, holding his cards for him). In the middle of the first card game, Kaoru's head snapped backward again and when he straightened himself he saw a laughing Ryoichi and a startled Sadao.

"Should I have warned you beforehand to not try to cheat?" Ryoichi managed to get out between bouts of laughter as Sadao looked sheepishly at Kaoru.

Kaoru also started to burst out laughing while massaging his neck and Sadao soon followed. Unfortunately, Sadao managed to win even without cheating. Kaoru knew that he couldn't have tried to do the same to Ryoichi because telepathic zero powers could easily block out other mind powers. He could also tell that Sadao winning wasn't common.

Eventually, the redhead had to say farewell to them for now and return to his room… and to a brother who had expected him to return sooner. Oops.

"I'm sorry that I'm late. Ryoichi and Sadao wanted to catch up", was the first thing Kaoru said when he entered the room and laid his eyes on Hikaru.

He could see Hikaru trying to hold himself back from saying something overly jealous and possessive or something incredibly stupid.

"I should have gotten you so you could hang out with us", Kaoru hurriedly added. "I think they would like to catch up with you too, but look out for Sadao, he is a cheater at card games".

It wasn't a lie. The other two may not have outright said that they wanted Hikaru there but they asked too much about the older twin to be able to state that they didn't want him there. So far they hadn't been given a reason not to want his presence (which Kaoru made sure of). Kaoru could bet on the fact that they wanted to meet as many old friends as possible.

"Do you… do you really think so?" Hikaru asked with a shy smile, he looked insecure but also slightly taken aback by what Kaoru said. "I think you are the only person who wants me around… ".

"No, they do want to see you. I'm not lying", Kaoru assured. "Maybe you can wait outside for me next time or I can get you as I suggested before? The espionage life hasn't treated them well so I think we can cheer them up… anyway, do you want to hear something crazy? Remember that lady next to Ryoichi? It's his mom".

Hikaru's eyes widened. At first, he looked startled, then in disbelief and then confused. Kaoru could imagine that his face expressed similar feelings when he himself first heard the news.

"No way… ".

"Yes, way. It's his fucking mother. I couldn't quite believe it myself! I am not sure if she has always been here or if she just arrived when his hands were out of commission. I think he implied that she has always been here… ".

"But she wasn't present during the 0 Light days", Hikaru reminded him. "We were all orphans, remember?"

Kaoru hadn't thought about that before.

"Well, we never talked about our parents in detail", Kaoru thought out loud. "But maybe she threw him out at first but later… changed her mind? He didn't mention his father, so maybe he forced her to disown Ryoichi but she then later decided to ditch her husband and find her son? She is apparently a veteran, so she might have gotten the news about him and then choose to stay with him. I dunno, I didn't ask for more details".

"Parents wouldn't throw their lives away for zeroes… ", Hikaru said dryly.

"I thought the exact same thing!"

"Something must be wrong with her. She could have gotten a normal child and forgotten about Ryoichi. Most don't even see us as human beings, it would be like getting rid of a fish and get a baby instead… ".

"I am not so sure about that… What if she is the only sane parent? I mean, if Kyoya can lo-like a zero romantically like a non zero, why couldn't a parent love their zero child the same way they would love their non zero child?"

Kaoru hoped that his almost slip-up was unnoticed by the older twin. He also hoped that his face wasn't heating up as much as he thought it did. He and Kyoya had never told each other that they loved each other so it would be unnecessary drama if he accidentally made Hikaru believe the contrary… but now Kaoru couldn't help but wonder; was the word love really the wrong word to use? Did Kyoya love him? The doctor sure cared about him deeply and had feelings for him, but could it be considered love? Did Kaoru want it to be love? Did he love Kyoya back? Kyoya was definitely starting to own his heart alongside Hikaru at this point (no matter how cheesy it sounded), but did Kaoru even understand what love was? He knew that he must love Hikaru, but he didn't know how it felt to love someone who wasn't your brother (or close friend?). He never knew how to receive love from someone who he wasn't in a platonic relationship with either… especially, he didn't know how to receive love from parents. Although he couldn't recall any moment of pure unconditional love from his mother or father, it was rather unfortunate that he at least couldn't have asked them about their love for each other because that could have helped him figure this out about him and Kyoya. If they even loved each other that is. He just assumed they did, but he honestly couldn't remember.

"But if the majority is against zeroes, then the small minority is probably wrong", Hikaru rationalized, bringing Kaoru back to their conversation.

"I can have an existential crisis about love later", he thought begrudgingly to himself.

"That's not always the case though", Kaoru pointed out. "Homosexual people used to be demonized by the majority. Just like zeroes. You can even still legally kill them in some countries as well. Having a minority religion in some countries throughout history or just having opinions that don't fit the norm have been considered grounds to kill as well".

"Maybe. But there is a huge difference between sucking dick and self-mutilation to use powers. You know the difference pretty well".

"But we are alike in a sense that we are born this way", Kaoru argued desperately, knowing fully well he was trying to convince himself as well as his brother. "I don't think we were put on this earth to be bad".

"You don't?" Hikaru inquired incredulously. "Not everything put on earth is good. No offense, but why would a guy who cuts his own skin in order to invade other people's memories be something good that's put on earth? Outside of the military".

Kaoru couldn't come up with an answer to that. The military being his whole world, he had only measured his usefulness to the base. But besides a certain situation that was shaped for war, he wasn't good for anything. Maybe in some alternative universe, he could have been considered a superhero but in this reality, he could only really be a villain. And he was a villain, the villain. Hikaru was right, what good could Kaoru's powers possibly do in the real world? If murderers, rapists, infant death and deadly illnesses existed, why wouldn't Kaoru's existence be up there with them? It didn't feel fair, but life wasn't fair.

"I would like to come with you next time", Hikaru murmured after a while; he probably realized what state of mind he had brought his brother into and wanted to distract him by changing the subject back. "To meet Ryoichi and Sadao, I mean".

"Y-yeah, that's great. Really great", Kaoru said with a small smile, trying to regain his composure. "Then we'll make sure that happens".

They were silent again for a while before Hikaru once again changed the subject and made them fall comfortably into a conversation about nothing. There was a certain hint of desperation in his need to talk about something, probably because he felt guilty about the negative feelings he suspected that he induced in Kaoru. However, the damage was already done. Two of the tangents Kaoru had been going off on internally had now combined themselves into a dark, but somewhat familiar, concoction he hadn't really touched in a while; did someone like him even deserve someone like Kyoya loving him?

---

In order to make Kaoru catch up, they had decided to add another obstacle in his way. Now Kaoru also has to stay up at least three nights in a row every week. The plan was that someone would bring him coffee and check on him every 15 minutes or so. If it would prove to be difficult to keep him awake still then they would of course implement further measures like constant supervision or a collar that shocks him every time he falls asleep. Hopefully, the original plan would be more than enough. On one hand, Kaoru was pleased to finally be allowed to drink coffee, but on the other hand, this would be very difficult for him. But maybe less sleep could prove to be a good thing…

The treatments had been going on for a little over a month and he started to really feel them taking a toll on him. Kaoru must admit that Ryoichi's comment about his Richter vine already being strong became rather confusing for him after thinking it through. At first, he couldn't fathom exactly how the vine could have been affected when he didn't feel like he had a traumatic enough life. Yes, being forced to kill a child, being abandoned by his parents, almost being killed himself and being through constant zero curing 'treatments' aren't things the average person goes through, but he couldn't imagine that being enough (it wasn't, right?). However, the treatment had woken up more and more old memories, especially starting week four (thanks Ryoichi). Now he also had memories of other cruel things done to him. He really hadn't had anyone but Hikaru through the years. Kids bullied him, adults treated him like he was disgusting and he had been a dark addition to the family. Oddly enough, his parents barely featured in his memories except for maybe two or three times so far. But honestly, Kaoru couldn't blame them for not wanting to be around their zero offspring enough to give him memories. There was one memory that really struck a chord within him…

...

"It's harder you know", A blurry figure in the shape of a woman said as she tucked Kaoru into bed.

"Harder?" Kaoru repeated, not quite listening because his eyes were focused on the bear in her hands that she hadn't given him yet.

Her eyes followed and a hollow chuckle left her lips. She handed the bear to Kaoru who grabbed it excitedly and hugged it to his chest.

"Do you still need to sleep with that? You are getting big now", she said and Kaoru thought that he could hear some disappointment and impatience in her voice.

It almost made him want to throw the bear away and declare that he was indeed too old for it now, but he couldn't bring himself to it.

"I feel alone without it", Kaoru mumbled, embarrassed.

"You have your brother".

"I know mo… but I don't have you".

Her eyes widened before she chuckled again, just as hollow as last time. Kaoru didn't understand why she took the time to tuck them in. He knew that there was a lot that he didn't understand, but he could tell that his mom didn't like to be around him and his brother. It was confusing for him because he wanted to be with her but being with her hurt when she was like this. It was the same with his dad.

"It's strange", his mom thought out loud.

"What's strange, mommy?" Kaoru asked but quickly looked away for a few seconds because he didn't want to risk her not looking happy about him calling her that.

"You are. It's almost like you are a real child".

"I am a real child!"

"Hush, you are going to wake your brother up", she ordered him while rubbing her temples. "This is so confusing… ".

"Why did you say that I'm not a real child?" Kaoru asked desperately, sitting up in his bed.

The action made her look rather annoyed. She gently put her hands on his shoulders and maneuvered him back down again.

"You don't function like children do. Your body works differently", she half-heartedly explained before letting go of him and walking towards the door.

The feeling of guilt resurfaced along with shame when she didn't even peck him on the forehead like she did every night. Beforehand he thought he would have preferred it this way because, just like the tucking in, it never felt like she wanted to do it. Apparently, his desperation for his parents' affection made him crave any supposedly loving attention he could get. He felt tears starting to build up in his eyes.

"Go to sleep now, Kaoru", she said without looking at him as she left and closed the door behind her.

Not wanting to make Hikaru think he was a crybaby, he pulled the covers over his head and buried his snotty and teary face into his pillow while holding onto the teddy bear so hard that his knuckles turned white. Why would his mom say that to him? He knew he was real! Different? Definitely, but he was still a real boy! … but maybe he wasn't? Because why would his mom lie? Maybe she was just confused?

"She wants to hurt us", Hikaru's tired voice said. "She doesn't like us".

Being too exhausted to realize that Kaoru was brought to tears by their mother's words, Hikaru seemed to fall asleep not long after saying that. Kaoru didn't feel hurt by him not coming over to his bed to comfort him like he usually would have. It was hard to understand when you were sleepy. What he had told Kaoru wasn't something new; he had stopped believing that his parents loved them for some time now. To an extent, Kaoru had stopped believing as well, but his heart couldn't give up on them yet, but what Hikaru said made sense because why else would she say so many mean things to him?

Kaoru lied awake in bed for hours until it started to get less dark outside; it must be early in the morning. Hikaru was still asleep because neither mom nor dad had arrived to wake the twins up. Having been alone with his thoughts for too long, the first sun rays showing themselves was a good enough excuse to get up. He saw that Hikaru was twisting and turning in his sleep so Kaoru reluctantly put the bear next to his brother who almost immediately hugged it closer to his chest and started to calm down.

"You lied about not needing your stuffed animal anymore", Kaoru whispered with a certain fondness in his voice. "Your bear is still close, but my bear will protect you now".

With one last look to see if Hikaru would stay calm, Kaoru waddled out of the room, closing the door carefully behind him. He went to the kitchen past the dining area where his parents were sitting and talking about boring adult stuff. He had a plan that he had been thinking about for hours, something that needed to be done to truly show his mom. He carefully sneaked over to the cupboards, making sure that his parents didn't notice him. He grabbed what he had been looking for and closed the cupboard again…

The parents were interrupted from their discussion by crying. They looked up at Kaoru like they expected him to come and whine about a nightmare. In fact, his dad was just about to ask when Kaoru cut him off.

"I-I am a real b-boy mommy", Kaoru said in between sobs and extended his hands towards them, but not in a way that suggested that he wanted to be picked up or hugged; one hand held a knife and one hand was bleeding profusely, creating a small puddle on the floor. "I d-do work like a real boy!"

...

And that was all he could remember from that instance. He had no memory of what happened before or after and he couldn't imagine that it was a bad thing either. It was a little strange that he still couldn't remember his parents' faces as well, but maybe it was for the best. It would probably hurt much more if he could recall the disappointment and disgust in their eyes. Kaoru looked at the palm of his hand. Despite the scarring from previous missions, he thought that he could still see the scar from that day. Maybe it was weird that he couldn't remember where he got his scars from, but he had so many of them at this point that it was hard to keep up. He had also suppressed so many memories at this point and he was successively becoming more and more afraid of them. A child must have been in extreme distress to be able to deliberately cut themself so deeply that he got a scar, for the purpose of proving that he existed nonetheless. The average child would just have cried themself to sleep. How many more horrible things happened to Kaoru to get to that point at such a young age? And what exactly happened afterward? He strongly doubted that little him received the affection he needed. Was that even the last time he hurt himself outside of his zero sacrifices? Looking at his body didn't help much with answering that question. All he saw were numbers and letters, nothing indicating self-harm except for the one on his hand, but a lot of his scars were layered.

Kaoru yawned and took a sip from his third cup of coffee. It was his second night awake and it made him feel very weird. He was exhausted, he wanted to run around the base, he wanted to lay down on the floor, he wanted to jump on his bed, he wanted to sneak out and cuddle with his boyfriend, he wanted to suck his boyfriend's dick, he wanted more coffee, he wanted so much more coffee, he wanted to drink a lot of coffee before sucking his boyfriend's dick, he wanted…

The door opened and Morinozuka walked in, interrupting Kaoru's increasingly weirder train of thoughts. Now Kaoru also started to wonder if Morinozuka ever slept, because he was always around. That poor man needed a break.

"Hi, Kaoru", Morinozuka smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't think you wanna know", Kaoru cheekily answered him. "My mind is running wild and I'm having a headache… I was also visited by the guy who looks for suspicious behavior and it feels like I got a free prostate exam…. that last part was a joke".

"It will be worth it in the end", Morinozuka assured, but he didn't sound too convinced. "The mind and headache thing, I mean".

"I know", Kaoru smiled, way more convinced. "Do I have to stay in the room or can I walk around? The tiredness is making me both restless and afraid that I'll fall asleep if I sit down".

"It should be fine for you to take a stroll. The social room is locked so you won't be able to fall asleep on the couches".

"Neat", Kaoru grinned and drank up the last from his coffee cup.

Morinozuka's eyes turned towards the sleeping Hikaru. It was easy to forget that the older twin was there when he was quiet.

"He is not gonna attack you", Kaoru joked and Morinozuka looked back at him.

"I didn't think that".

"He isn't a bad person. My serum does this to people. It made one of my oldest friends try to kill me after all", Kaoru said with a smile and pain in his eyes from the memory.

"I understand that but it doesn't change the fact that I know what he is capable of. What if he tries to kill you as well?"

"He would never do that, he has a completely different mindset".

"I'm glad you didn't try to take the 'he wouldn't kill me because I'm his brother'- route. And you might be correct, I think it's more likely that he kills everyone else but you. Especially that blond boy you are friends with".

"The way you said 'friends' makes it sound like you don't believe Duncan is just my friend… why do you even know about him?"

Kaoru crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at him. He might have been exhausted but he was aware enough to realize that something seemed odd to him.

"I am not following you around if that's what you are suggesting", Morinozuka said and this was the first time Kaoru could almost identify a feeling in his eyes. "I work around the boys a lot, not just you".

"You seem very invested in me though. You know my name, but you didn't know Duncan's", Kaoru pointed out.

At first, he feared that he went too far and in the wrong direction so he now sounded like a narcissist. He feared that he ruined their friendship, but the look of unmistakable panic, even though it was slim, told him that he might have hit the nail on the head.

"I guess I… ", Morinozuka uncharacteristically stumbled over his words. "I guess I see you more as a friend… ".

"I see you as a friend as well", Kaoru was quick to assure, even if he suspected that his statement was more truthful than Morinozuka's.

He hoped that he was just thinking too deeply or that he had become too self-confident as a result of being so sexually appealing to someone (Kyoya) for the first time in his life. The thought of the taller male possibly maybe having feelings for him was leaving an awful feeling in his stomach. Not because Morinozuka was a horrible person or even ugly (it should be established by now that Kaoru liked tall mysterious men with dark hair). Duncan showing interest was mostly just annoying because it was purely sexual and pushy, but someone Kaoru cared about who might have deeper feelings would cause another sort of distress. Could he share any worries or take any sort of kind gestures from him now without it feeling like he was giving him false hope or taking advantage of him? Would a rejection ruin their bond? Yes, Kaoru was really, REALLY hoping that he was making a bird out of a feather (if he was even using that saying correctly, he was still so damn tired in the head).

"I'm glad to hear that", Morinozuka said with a smile. "But you might understand now why I am so worried about you".

"Yeah… I guess I do".

It was difficult to tell but it felt like they were at least subconsciously on the same level, and it confirmed Kaoru's suspicions in a gut-wrenching way.

"I can take your thermos and refill it while you are gone for your stroll", Morinozuka suggested and Kaoru nodded appreciatively at him.

"Yeah, thanks", he said and grabbed the thermos to hand it over to the taller male.

Morinozuka took it and gave him one last smile before leaving him there. Kaoru decided to wait a few minutes before he also left to make sure that they didn't awkwardly walk into each other. Being alone again, he had been able to partially convince himself that his tired mind was just making him overreact previously. He was probably just too used to guys being nice to him to try to get in his pants (guys like his boyfriend once, Duncan and the attempt by Rai, even if the latter wasn't a good guy to him nearly as much). Well, either get in his pants or try to kill him. Right now he didn't want to think about that, he wanted to go to Kyoya. They hadn't really signed to each other so he didn't know if the older male was busy, but Kaoru's tired mind decides to check for himself.

He knocked and an exhausted looking Kyoya opened the door a few minutes after. Ops, Kaoru realized that he hadn't looked at the clock before coming over. It was probably very late, Hikaru was usually awake when Kaoru left to visit his boyfriend after all. A quick look told Kaoru that he was either about to go to sleep late or woke up recently (a knock was definitely not enough to wake Kyoya up).

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that it was this late. My brain clock isn't working", Kaoru explained with a nervous chuckle as he knocked on his head (a little too hard because he couldn't control his limbs well enough in this state). "I should gooo".

Kaoru turned to walk away when two arms wrapped themselves around his waist. He yelped as Kyoya pulled him inside the room and locked the door with one hand still holding onto the smaller male.

"Is there something wrong, Kaoru?" Kyoya asked with worry reflecting in his eyes.

"No, I just wanted to be here, but I forgot about the time. I am not used to pulling all-nighters like this".

"And as a zero who is used to sleeping in order to use his powers Nonetheless, I can imagine it being even more difficult", Kyoya agreed with a sympathetic look on his face. "Are you bored?"

"Yes, but I don't want to keep you up for something like that. You need your sleep".

"I actually had a nightmare and planned on staying up for a bit. I don't mind company until then".

"You don't mind having your personal dream catcher here you mean?" Kaoru teased. "I can't lie down with you though. Can't be your teddy bear tonight because I can't fall asleep".

Mentioning 'teddy bear' made his smile falter for a second because it brought him back to the memory of him as a child he thought about previously. He made sure to bring the smile back as quickly as possible because he didn't want to keep Kyoya awake longer than necessary with his crap.

"We can sit together uncomfortably if you want", Kyoya suggested as he pulled Kaoru gently into his bedroom.

Kyoya plopped himself down on his office chair and pulled Kaoru down to sit on his lap. Kaoru chuckled fondly as he was embraced tightly and nuzzled into Kyoya's neck.

"I thought both of us were supposed to sit uncomfortably", Kaoru teased. "Def not a complaint though".

"I can sit on you instead if you want".

"I can't imagine my bony legs being much comfier than the chair".

"I don't know if I agree. I can feel a good amount of meat on your bones when I grab onto your thighs", Kyoya murmured into Kaoru's ear and Kaoru shuddered.

"But you always complain about me needing to eat more", Kaoru pointed out. "Or are you just into making your boyfriends overweight?"

"I am into my boyfriend being healthy", Kyoya corrected. "You aren't a skeleton just because you don't eat well. You haven't lost enough weight".

"So, I'm still perfectly cuddleble?" Kaoru jokingly asked and Kyoya laughed.

"Yes, unmistakably perfectly cuddleble", he agreed and adjusted his grip on the younger boy before putting his head on top of his shoulder, closing his eyes.

Being with Kyoya did help to put the conversation between Morinozuka and Kaoru to the back of Kaoru's mind, but it simultaneously also brought him back to an older topic; love. Sitting here in Kyoya's warmth, did he feel love? Did he feel loved in return? He enjoyed the embrace and he always felt better being in Kyoya's presence and not in the same way it felt with Hikaru. Kaoru loved the affection Kyoya gave him, he loved making Kyoya happy, he loved being the only one pleasing Kyoya, he loved Kyoya being the only one pleasing him, he loved when they seemed to improve each other… but did that mean that he loved Kyoya? Could he even say that he loved those things? This whole thing was giving him an even worse headache. He knew for sure that he wanted to be with Kyoya as long as Kyoya wanted him (or more), but when it came to pinpointing the depth of his actual feelings it became more complicated. He couldn't just ask Kyoya, the only person he knew with perhaps enough experience to know. Asking Kyoya could freak him out if he didn't love Kaoru yet. Kyoya being a man who valued his privacy and wanted to take personal things slowly would most likely deflect or make Kaoru even more confused. Now when Kaoru was thinking about it, Rai could technically give better answers because he had been married before and clearly still loved his late wife. Even if Rai was seemingly just as convinced about Kaoru not knowing about love as Kaoru himself was. Maybe asking would also trigger him again, even if Kyoya supposedly had his balls in a tight grip. If the question was really that important to Kaoru, he just had to wait and read the room with Rai and ask at the right moment.

Kyoya was trying to muffle a yawn into Kaoru's hair and Kaoru chuckled at the adorable act at trying to not show that he was tired.

"Maybe it's time for you to go back to sleep?" Kaoru suggested.

"I'm not tired enough", Kyoya lied and Kaoru smirked mischievously.

"I can help with that", he purred before loosening Kyoya's grip, slipping out of his lap and landing on his knees on the ground, facing his boyfriend.

Kaoru placed his hands on Kyoya's thighs and looked up at him with a seductive grin while Kyoya was trying to keep his composure. They hadn't done anything sexual in a while. The young redhead couldn't quite pinpoint the exact reason for the lack of sex, but he thought that the stress from his treatment for making him into a blockade was part of it. Something Kaoru appreciated was that their relationship hadn't deteriorated because of this, despite Kyoya's sex drive. It made their relationship seem more serious in a way. Still, he had wanted to please Kyoya for some time and he was going to try his best to do it now!

"You don't-", Kyoya adjusted his glasses that had fallen a bit while looking like he couldn't decide what to do. "You don't have to-".

"But I want to. Can I make my awesome boyfriend feel good? I haven't done this in so long", Kaoru pointed out with a small pout on his lips.

He wouldn't have pushed this if he couldn't tell that Kyoya was very interested in his offer. Seeing the younger male down on his knees, all ready and eager wasn't helping the older man's self-control. Kaoru blinked up at him innocently.

"Can I please taste you? Can't you see how badly I want to?"

"You have no idea what you are doing to me when you beg like that", Kyoya groaned from the back of his throat.

"I think I do", Kaoru smirked while glancing at the growing bulge in his boyfriend's pants. "Want me to do something about that?"

Kyoya could only nod and Kaoru could finally get down to business. Kaoru wasn't as confident as he appeared but he thought that he could still be a good stress reliever (he hoped). He started to pull down Kyoya's pajama pants with help from Kyoya. He pulled them down to Kyoya's ankles while pressing kisses to Kyoya's thighs. So far, he reacted well to what Kaoru was doing, that's good. He sat up straight and teasingly rubbed Kyoya's half hard member through his underwear, drawing small groans through pressed lips.

"So, you decide to torture me this time", Kyoya commented while forcing himself to not buck into Kaoru's hand to show that he desperately wanted him to hurry up (out of pride).

"Don't worry, I'm not going to be as sadistic as you", Kaoru assured while putting his fingers under the waistband. "I am too eager about this too".

Kyoya sucked in his breath at the comment and Kaoru went back to work by pulling down his underwear enough to show him what he was looking for. He spread his knees a bit to lower himself as he wrapped his hand around the half soft length and started to move it up and down quicker and quicker. The moans were a little louder this time and Kyoya threw his head backward; Kaoru gained more confidence. Having it in his hand in front of his face like this for the first time in weeks, the smaller male couldn't help but wonder how the hell it could possibly have fitted in him!? He might not have had a lot to compare to but he doubted this counted as small.

The member grew harder in his hand and he started to smear the pre-cum coming all over it. Deciding that it was time, he stopped his hand. Kyoya let out an impatient sound and immediately tried to muffle it. Kaoru smirked to himself before he dragged his tongue along the underside of the member and then started to lick on the head and on the slit. Kyoya moaned and glared at Kaoru for toying with him, but the scowl disappeared and he breathed in loudly when Kaoru finally put him in his mouth. The younger male couldn't get it in all the way (lack of training or bad gag reflexes, perhaps? Kyoya had assured him previously that he shouldn't take it deeper than he thought that he was able to regardless).

"You are doing so good", Kyoya praised breathlessly while gripping the armrests. "Keep going p-please".

The encouragement and stutter during the plea at the end made Kaoru smile around him and start to bob his head up and down while massaging his balls like he had noticed that Kyoya had done to him previously. Kyoya, albeit being much quieter than Kaoru usually was, got louder and grabbed the armrests so hard that his knuckles turned white. Kaoru wasn't sure if he was holding back from keeping himself quiet (which was good because he would be a hypocrite otherwise) or if he was holding himself back from thrusting into Kaoru's much (which Kaoru, in that case, was thankful for because he didn't think that he could handle that). Occasionally when Kaoru went down and encased the length, he tried to pull it deeper into his mouth but not to the point of feeling like he was going to be sick.

His jaw started to hurt after a while and he had to remind himself that Kyoya could last long to not doubt himself too much. To give himself a little break he started to suck and lick closer to the head while starting to jerk him off again. Moans and praises fell out of Kyoya's mouth and Kaoru chuckled a little nervously, sending vibrations up the member, which granted him another groan.

When he felt like his jaw had gotten enough rest, he engulfed the member again, not sure if he was imagining it going in deeper this time around. Kyoya let out a particularly loud and appreciative moan this time and the redhead couldn't help but look up at his boyfriend to see the result of his actions to better see if he was doing it right and boy was it the right decision to make. Not only could Kaoru bask in the glory of making Kyoya of all people look so uncomposed and flustered, but the widening of the eyes and mouth falling open showed him that he wasn't the only one enjoying the view.

"You… you have no idea how hot you look right now", Kyoya said shakingly. "Looking up at me with my cock in your mouth. I wish I could take a picture. You are being so fucking good to me".

Kaoru felt his cheeks heating up at the praise. It felt a little humiliating to look Kyoya in the eye right now but it was already established that Kaoru did enjoy a little humiliation so it might not be as bad as he thought. Keeping his eyes on Kyoya's face, Kaoru continued to bob his head, using his hands to stabilize and play with his balls again. Kyoya seemed to react more this time around. Kaoru suspected that he probably looked pretty 'submissive' right now, especially when Kyoya rested his hand on top of Kaoru's head and held onto his hair, but not hard enough to hurt.

Not long after that, Kyoya closed his eyes, his face scrunched up slightly and he let out a long groan as he finally came. Kaoru made sure to keep it all in his mouth and despite the taste, he waited until Kyoya could open his eyes again and see him to finally swallow it. Which was a sight Kyoya seemed to really appreciate despite sitting there with labored breaths.

"That was just what I needed, you did so damn good", Kyoya breathed out fondly and caressed Kaoru's cheek with the hand that was previously on his head. "Your knees must be killing you".

"Yes, and my jaw", Kaoru added while standing up and massaging his jaw. "I'm glad you liked it. It means a lot that I didn't suck off most of my fellow Boys in preparation for nothing".

"It seems so", Kyoya joked back with a chuckle and adjusted his lopsided glasses with a big yawn. "Now get here so I can wreck you".

He grabbed onto Kaoru's waist and pulled him down onto his lap again. It went a little less smooth than usual because Kyoya was even more exhausted than before.

"Noo!" Kaoru exclaimed dramatically while trying not to land too hard on Kyoya's crotch. "You can't make me tired yet! Can't fall asleep until the day after tomorrow... or the day after that after the memory dive mission. You can fuck me then! No returnsies now"

Kyoya couldn't help but laugh at him while hugging him tightly to his chest. That reaction surprised Kaoru a lot, but the lack of sleep was probably making him act almost as high as Kaoru was acting. It scared him a little bit to see him laugh like that but the embrace felt affectionate so he chose to just enjoy it.

"Returnsies?" He repeated while loosening his grip on Kaoru so both could stand up and Kyoya could pull his pants and underwear up again. "Only you can still look absolutely adorable while talking about me fucking you while still having semen on your lip".

"Huh?"

Kaoru looked down while pouting his lips before sucking his bottom lips into his mouth so he could get the last drop of cum and swallow it.

"It's gone now", Kyoya assured with a little smirk as he pulled Kaoru closer again. "You are so lucky that I'm close to falling asleep, or else you would already have been pinned to my bed".

He then pressed his lips on Kaoru in a deep and loving kiss that made Kaoru's knees feel even weaker. They pulled away after a few seconds and Kyoya muffled another yawn.

"I can't believe you kissed me after I went down on you", Kaoru chuckled while leading Kyoya over to the bed.

"I have kissed you after going down on you", Kyoya reminded him as Kaoru gently pushed him down on his bed and removed his glasses to put them on the nightstand.

"That's true. Which makes me glad that you aren't into 'eating out'", Kaoru joked while helpfully forcing Kyoya down under the covers.

"Is that something you have an interest in?" Kyoya chuckled.

"Don't look at me like that. You're keeping your mouth on my dick. Not lower", Kaoru warned while pointing at him warningly.

"Why are you more embarrassed about this than I am?"

"Remove these thoughts from your head", Kaoru ordered and Kyoya chuckled at him before staring into the open with a hint of sadness in his eyes. "Do you want me to stay until you fall asleep?" He added, guessing correctly what caused Kyoya's sudden change of mood.

"You have done plenty already", Kyoya assured with a warm smile. "But it would be nice if you don't have anywhere else you feel like you need to be".

"Like I would choose to be in a place that isn't your bedroom", Kaoru joked. "I can't get under the covers with you but I can sit next to you maybe? I know you like having me close".

"That sounds good", Kyoya smiled appreciatively.

Kaoru sat down next to him on the bed with his back against the headboard. Kyoya turned until he was lying on his stomach, facing Kaoru with his hand on Kaoru's thigh. He was massaging the exposed skin while Kaoru raised his hand and hesitated before he could reach Kyoya until Kyoya nodded to let him know that it was okay. The approval made Kaoru comfortable with running his hand through Kyoya's thick black hair.

"You are careful with boundaries even after just sucking me off", Kyoya murmured, a tad bit absentmindedly like he was thinking out loud and either not realizing or being too tired to care about Kaoru hearing. "You are so good for me... Do I really deserve you?"

The question took Kaoru aback and he stopped his hand for a second before continuing to play with his hair.

"You are good for me too", Kaoru quickly assured, a little choked up by the raw emotion brought up by such a tender moment and emotion in Kyoya's voice. "You are so good for me, you don't realize that? … Are we both never going to feel good enough for each other?" Kaoru asked softly and got a confused hum in return.

Kyoya's eyes were closed and he was breathing softly. His hand hadn't quite stopped yet so Kaoru knew he was still awake. He didn't know why, but he felt very emotional. Maybe it was because he hadn't slept in two days and wasn't used to it. The addition of the coffee was probably not helping either.

As soon as he was completely sure that Kyoya was asleep, he carefully got up and hurried into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and started bawling. He could only blame his tiredness so far. There had to be something that the tiredness amplified. Was it the cheesy moment they had or was it other things as well? … Was it the fact that he felt so much for Kyoya at that moment? Was he about to say the L-word? It did feel like a good moment but it would have been horrible if he had. If Kyoya would say it back, the situation would be extremely unfair to him. It would be extremely unfair if Kaoru told him that he loved him without even knowing what that meant. This must be the reason why he was crying because thinking more and more about it made him cry harder. This really hadn't been an issue before, when he only knew the love he felt for his brother. This was different and Kaoru had no idea if he would ever have agreed to be Kyoya's boyfriend if he had considered this dilemma before.

Finally, when the tears had stopped, he spent a lot of time trying to erase every sign of the breakdown but the red nose and bloodshot eyes remained for a little longer. He decided to kill time by brushing his teeth with the extra toothbrush Kyoya always had left for him to use (which was very needed because his mouth felt understandably disgusting). By the time he was done and had used the toilet, he looked decent enough that he didn't think anyone could tell that he had been crying. He left the bathroom and made sure that he hadn't woken Kyoya up (he hadn't). With one last kiss on Kyoya's head, Kaoru carefully left the room and walked towards the Boys' area without being caught, with thoughts running around in his head.

"With the way my mind is right now, at least I won't fall asleep anytime soon", he thought with a self-deprecating and sardonic chuckle.