Zero

by TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter

Many people were suddenly born with strange powers they have to pay a painful price for. Like humans do when something happens that they don't understand, they try to get rid of what they see as a threat... or use it to their advantage, and maybe that's even worse. What could be the next step in the evolution is used to further ta us back. (Updated description)

11. Chapter 11 Scarred

A/N: This story is either close to, or has already become my longest story which feels weird since I started my first Harry Potter fic back in 2016 I think and struggled to finish it for a long time.

Now when this is posted I have uploaded half of the chapters I have. It feels like I'm never gonna be able to properly work on my next idea XD I have written a few chapters of my next fic at least and I think I'll try to work on it more just to keep me more motivated since at this point I'm mostly just editing since this story is finished.

I will also wait a while after this story to write any more sex scenes because they are so awkward for me to edit. It's so weird XD Luckily there were never any plans to have sex scenes in the next story I'm working on and, depending on what idea I'll work on next, there won't be any in the story after that either.

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Chapter 11. Scarred.

"You don't want us to spend too much time on zero research and are surprised that we have yet to understand how the Americans manage to let non zeroes use zero powers", the person Kaoru was said, a bit impatiently. "You are asking for results without letting us put in the necessary work".

"We are not stopping you from doing your research on the creatures", the man who looked to be in charge said dismissively.

"But you aren't providing what my team needs either. We need zeroes to test on, but you have only an interest in zeroes made for war and won't let them do anything else. If you don't want to distract them from their work, as you always kindly put it, we need to find some just for the purpose of experimenting".

"You want us to recruit dirty vagabond zeroes? Or are you suggesting that we just buy them in a store?" The man teased with a 'got ya' smirk.

"They can't get jobs in our country, we could pay them as little as we could possibly get away with… and yes, you could buy them on the black market. Some might miss some limbs but it's possible. I really don't care how we get them, but we need them to get the results you want so badly. You need to get over your problem with having too many of them here and just do something".

"Do you know how dangerous having too many creatures on the base is!? How are we supposed to control them!?"

Someone eyed the yelling man with a disapproving look.

"The way we control the zeroes we already have?" Kaoru said while staring straight at the now sheepish-looking man. "Are you really too lazy to keep a few more here? Are you also really more concerned with having a zero here who can fly than a zero who can melt metal? Because there are zeroes with pretty harmless powers out there, but you don't even want to try to find them".

"What do you suggest we do to find the 'harmless ones?', The man spitefully asked after finally finding his voice again. "Put up flyers?"

"Are you really that lazy and uneducated?" Kaoru said. The other male couldn't be too high above him after all if he could say something like that to him. "You can literally find them in the slums. In fact, we have two zeroes from there already. Most zeroes aren't even battle zeroes! Most of them have mind powers or powers that can only alter their own bodies. We are actually lucky that we have six battle zeroes".

"What are we supposed to use other creatures for except for experiments? How much more useful can a flying creature be?"

"Ask the Americans you want us to copy so badly. They utilize pacifist-type zeroes all the goddamn time. And if you don't think doing extremely helpful experiments is enough of a reason to recruit more zeros then you are beyond help and have no right to come and whine about us not doing shit. If you won't provide us with the necessary tools, stop complaining that we aren't making any progress!"

"He might have a point", a man with a white mustache told the angry man. "I know it's not easy to recruit zeroes when they are forced to stay hidden to be able to live somewhat peacefully. But we can lure them out with promises. I know you don't like it but you don't have the sole authority over that decision, and we might have to move quickly before organizations that have already made the choices we haven't dared to make yet, figure out that we might be a threat".

"Oh they have. You guys were too fucking slow, to be honest. We are spying on you right now", Kaoru said, but no one reacted because it was his own words and not the words of the scientist whose memories he was currently occupying.

"You are talking like they are going to attack us at any moment", the angry man said with an eye roll.

Kaoru noticed that both him, and the scientist he was currently, agreed that the man was an annoying and stubborn asshole. The difference between Kaoru and the scientist was that Kaoru was both mildly annoyed at the stupidity while simultaneously being amused while the scientist was clearly exasperated and wanted to strangle the man for wasting his time and not taking what he said seriously. The younger twin was glad that he occupied this asshole instead of the other one because at least this one used his brain even if he had such a poor look on zeroes. The latter part was a major help though, because or else Kaoru might actually have felt bad for the guy. Maybe.

"And you're talking like we can give you what you want without having what we need. Who is actually the one being completely ridiculous here?" Kaoru/the scientist asked and leaned back in the chair with a deep sigh. "If you are seriously afraid of flying hookers or homeless men that can breathe underwater then you really need to sort out your priorities. We have a druggie who shoots fire, I think we can handle it".

It did make Kaoru a little angry to hear what kind of things zeroes were forced into but he wasn't surprised. In countries like this, it might not have been legal to kill zeroes but there weren't many laws in place to protect them either. Kaoru could consider himself pretty privileged in comparison and it made him feel bad for ever complaining about his life.

"I am not afraid of pacifist-type creatures! Am I the only one who is thinking through the implication of gathering too many zeroes!?"

"No, you are just the only one not using your brain while doing it", Kaoru/the scientist said. "This is not untested water. Several other places have significantly more zeros than us and have no issues. The Americans included. You are just being ridiculously paranoid, all of you, and it's going to come back to you".

"You are the one being ridiculously paranoid!" The angry man rebutted weakly. "Or acting like we have to go so fast… ".

"You want results fast! Make up your goddamn mind. How hasn't anyone strangled you yet for being like this?"

"Was that a threat!?"

"What? What are you even-".

"Stop it, both of you", someone with red hair said, standing up with his arms extended in preparation for separating them if a fight broke out (even if Kaoru could tell that the scientist had no plans on actually getting physical). "You both have the chance to argue your points tomorrow".

"They are going to take his side again because they are all cowards too. Why am I even here with my team if you aren't gonna use us?" The scientist asked, tired.

"You could always leave", the angry man suggested with a mean smirk. "If you complain enough, they might just fulfill your wish".

"We all know I'm more useful to them than you are", the scientist pointed out and Kaoru could imagine him rolling his eyes. "I think you really need to take a nap and actually think this through because your fears and the others' fears are hindering instead of helping. I'm getting a headache".

The angry man was just about to say something undoubtedly brainless again when the red-haired man cut them off again.

"Enough. Leave each other alone. You can't change anything by fighting".

"You all are absolutely ridiculous", the scientist said in disbelief. "You all know I'm right but are completely terrified of bringing more defenseless children, druggies or invalids here. Complete bull. I need to go and smoke".

Everyone's eyes turned towards the door like they looked at someone leaving. Undoubtedly the scientist, but Kaoru stayed put. He didn't need to hear more, he was returning pretty soon…

A force was pulling him forward. He landed on his hands and knees on a hard surface before the force pulled him backward again, more violently than last time. He landed on his behind and his arms prevented his back from slamming to the ground.

"Wha-what?" Kaoru said confused before being pulled to the side so abruptly that his body hurt, not just from the fall to the floor but by the actual pull. "This isn't… God, please no. Not again".

He flew up from the ground before crashing down again. Then he was flung to the side so he landed so hard on his shoulder that it felt like it broke.

"Hikaru!" He pleaded. "Please help me! Please, just someone wake him up!"

However, No one could hear him. He had no control. All he could do is wait and hope that someone realizes that something terrible was going on…

---

Kyoya thought that days off should have been more relaxing and not just used for cleaning. But the cleaning needed to be done and he didn't always have time for it during workdays so he had to take advantage of the time he had over. He also needed anything to occupy his mind with right now.

Kaoru going on missions didn't use to bring him distress but after the revelation that the younger male couldn't always tell his own memories apart from others, Kyoya couldn't help but be at least a little worried. The best solution in this situation would be to prevent Kaoru from taking further missions until he had gotten the mental help he needed to properly sort the memories but that would never occur.

While Kyoya was vacuuming the ground, he saw something under his desk just before he almost accidentally got it into the vacuum cleaner. He turned the machine off and knelt on the ground to take a better look. At first, it looked like a dark piece of plastic but after picking it up he realized it was a shiny black ring, Kaoru's ring to be exact. He inhaled with a hissing sound as he accidentally triggered the small blade within it and it cut his finger. The ring was promptly dropped on the floor and the blade automatically retracted into the ring again. A few drops of blood landed next to the dangerous jewelry on the ground and he immediately put his wounded finger in his mouth before tending to it quickly in the bathroom. Kyoya wondered at first how the ring got there but quickly decided that Kaoru must just have accidentally dropped it when he visited two or so nights ago. Maybe it was in the middle of their fun time… or hopefully, Kaoru dropped it beforehand. Some people might find the danger of receiving a handjob with a sharp object nearby exciting but to Kyoya it made his dick feel like it wanted to disappear inside his body.

After he was done cleaning up the blood from the ground, a sudden thought struck him. His eyes widened and he felt like something dropped in the pit of his stomach… It was mission day today and Kaoru didn't have his ring. The ring was necessary for the redhead to be able to do his zero sacrifice. It was very unlikely that he had anything else around. The young doctor might not have been as informed on the subject of zeroes like he should have (which have been established), but a zero not doing their zero sacrifice in time couldn't be anything but bad. If he hurried over to the twins' room, he might have enough time to give it to Kaoru before he woke up. He did get to Hikaru before he had to do his zero sacrifice. However, Hikaru was a type 2 zero. A type 2 zero had to manually do their zero sacrifice while a type 1 did them automatically. This meant that Hikaru could wait a little longer before doing his zero sacrifice while Kaoru would do it as soon as possible. Kyoya didn't want to dare think about what could possibly happen to Kaoru if he didn't do it right away. Instead, he picked up the ring again, being more careful this time, and quickly hurried out of his room and towards the Boys' area; he was hoping that he wouldn't get there too late.

Kyoya felt immediate relief when he could just open the door to the twins' room but it disappeared almost as quickly when he took in the sight in front of him. Hikaru, with wide eyes and panic written all over his face, was holding a thrashing Kaoru on the floor. It looked like the younger twin was having a seizure except for the fact that blood was pouring out of his nose and mouth and the pupils in his eyes were almost pure white instead of black.

"Put something soft under his head, now!" Kyoya ordered and Hikaru jumped in surprise and looked at him. "Just do it!"

That snapped Hikaru out of his staring and he immediately put a pillow and most of the covers on Kaoru's bed under his head so he couldn't smash his head on the floor too hard.

"H-he, he is… ", Hikaru stuttered and Kyoya showed him the ring.

"I know, I know".

The doctor quickly put it in Kaoru's hand and closed the redhead's fingers around it while begging internally for it to work. Hikaru wasn't stopping him or otherwise trying to correct him so it made him more hopeful about this working out. Kaoru stopped thrashing and laid completely still. Then like on autopilot Kaoru lifted the ring, made the blade come out, sat up and started to carve something into his shin. Kyoya had to look away, partly because the sight of his boyfriend harming himself was too much and partly because he didn't want to risk giving in to the urge of preventing Kaoru from cutting himself.

"Will he be okay?" Kyoya asked and made sure to just look at Hikaru and not Kaoru. "Has this happened before?"

"It has happened before", Hikaru said quietly and it reassured Kyoya, at least slightly, that things would be okay. "I don't know if he will be alright right away or not though. We need to wait and see. If he is unconscious, we need to bring him to the hospital wing quickly… Why did you have his ring?"

"No, not now Hikaru. Don't accuse me of stupid things when we don't know if your brother is going to be alright or not", Kyoya said abruptly, knowing exactly what direction the older twin was going, and Hikaru's lips pressed together in a tight line and he averted his eyes. "He dropped it in my room. I ran here as quickly as I could after realizing the seriousness of the situation".

Hikaru suddenly looked horrified and Kyoya turned to see Kaoru just lying down again with his eyes shut. Before Hikaru had the chance, Kyoya grabbed Kaoru's shoulders and shook him gently with his heart beating quicker and quicker. He checked the younger male's pulse and a new layer of panic overcame him when he realized that his heart, as opposed to Kyoya's, was beating slower and slower.

"Kaoru, can you hear me? Wake up! You need to wake up, alright? You need to stay awake", Kyoya pleaded as calmly as he could muster while touching Kaoru's face to examine him; his mouth and nose weren't bleeding anymore and lifting his eyes showed that his pupils were now grey instead of white (that could not be a good sign).

He hoped that the mouth blood came from Kaoru biting his tongue and not from internal bleeding. Kaoru started to suddenly choke and Kyoya quickly turned him to his side so the blood inside his mouth would stop running down his throat. After securing Kaoru's position, Kyoya turned to look at Hikaru; the expression on his face must have mirrored Hikaru's because the older twin looked even more frightened than he did previously.

"Go and run to the hospital wing and warn them. They need to be prepared before I get there with Kaoru… GO!" Kyoya ordered, sounding almost like an angry animal at the end and Hikaru quickly swallowed whatever complaint he had and threw the door open before running away. "I'm gonna get you help, Kaoru. Please hold on. I'm gonna lift you up now".

Kyoya stuck one arm under Kaoru's knees and the other under his back beneath his armpits before lifting him up bridal style. Both of Kaoru's arms and his head hung limply and Kyoya could see how desperate and shallow his breaths were. He needed to hurry. As quickly as he could with the added weight, Kyoya stormed out of the room but only managed to get halfway to the door at the end of the hallway before being stopped by two Boys chatting while walking through. Kyoya recognized one of them as Duncan and he had never been more irritated with that Boy than he was at that moment, especially when the blond boy's intuition seemed to tell him to approach him when noticing that something was wrong to ask a lot of annoying questions. You know, instead of moving out of the way so Kyoya could get Kaoru help.

"Is that Kaoru!? What happened to him!? Did someone attack him!? Did Hikaru try to kill him!? Did he fall!? Didn't his powers work correctly this time!?"

"GET OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE I MAKE YOU", Kyoya bellowed with narrowed eyes and both of the Boys flinched and looked more scared of him than they were scared for Kaoru. "MOVE!"

Kyoya couldn't care less if he came off as rude or emotional, that dumb brat was postponing Kaoru's necessary treatment and he would be rough with him if he needed to. Luckily, Duncan and his friend finally moved and Kyoya sprinted away from there, talking to the unconscious boy in his arm when he wasn't too out of breath. He wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not every time he thought that Kaoru tried to respond.

Doctors were immediately on him the second he stepped into the hospital area. He had to hold himself back from fighting against them when they took Kaoru away from him to better tend to him. Not only because he had strong feelings for him, but because he was a doctor goddamnit. He shouldn't be as useless as we were. It couldn't continue like this, he couldn't just wait and hope for the best every time Kaoru was in trouble like this. Unfortunately, the fact still remained that Kyoya wasn't educated when it came to zero injuries. He could be there for Kaoru emotionally (debatably) and he could take care of broken bones, but things like these were unknown territory to him.

"Why did you take so long!" Hikaru angrily asked him. "I was almost about to run back and see what the hell was going on".

"One Boy was too nosy for his own good, to put it mildly", Kyoya answered coldly and Hikaru's anger increased.

"Was it that idiot Duncan?" He spat and Kyoya was genuinely surprised that the redhead didn't ignore what Kyoya said in favor of accusing him of being slow on purpose or heartless. "I swear I'll most likely strangle him one day. He will be the unluckiest guy if Kaoru gets brain damage or something akin to that thanks to him… ".

It did feel nice to find some common ground with Hikaru (even if that common ground was being annoyed with someone for preventing Kaoru from getting treatment as soon as possible). Despite having more negative than positive feelings towards Hikaru, Kyoya started to feel a little relief over him not hearing when Duncan asked if Kaoru's state was caused by the older twin. Not just relief because it would hurt Kaoru in the end, but also because of sympathy for Hikaru himself. It was slim, but it was there at least.

"What do you mean by brain damage?" Kyoya inquired, worried.

"Type 1 nightwalker zeroes have a bigger chance of getting brain damage if they don't do their sacrifice in time.. Us type 2 nightwalkers can last a little longer before getting seizure-like symptoms. They can eventually lead to permanent damage or even death, but that's not usually what kills us in those situations... Nightwalker types are those who need to go to sleep to use their powers, like me", Hikaru added the helpful explanation at the end and Kyoya nodded to show that he understood. "I think he will be fine if they work on him quickly. Might be out of commission for some time though… ".

"Why did he bleed like that? And what happened to his eyes?"

"The body tries to make up for the lack of sacrifice. Not efficiently. The longer a zero is left without making the sacrifice, the less chance the zero has to survive or get away unscathed. The eyes, I'm not entirely sure. I think the eye thing is the reason as to why they used to believe that our eyes were the focal point of our powers… unfortunately, scientists learned the hard way that our powers are only coming from the vine… unfortunately for us I mean… ".

"What do you mean?"

"Years ago, thankfully before me and Kaoru had shown signs of being zeroes, there was a certain facility in Japan- Maybe in Yokohama? Its purpose was to blind zeroes in an effort to cure them. It did make some powers more difficult to use but it didn't cure shit… now when I think about it, I think they thought the eyes were about as important as the vine because the eyes can change while you use your powers. Difficult to see in nightwalkers for obvious reasons… you look a bit sick. Does the thought disgust you?"

"A little bit", Kyoya admitted. "As a doctor, it's already disturbing to me that this route was even considered. As Kaoru's… you know, I am horrified that this could have happened to him... and what else could have happened".

"You shouldn't study the history of zero treatments then", Hikaru warned with a sad smile. "Dangerous and unnecessary treatments were available even when we could have been susceptible or had desperate parents".

"Kaoru did mention that he had treatments done to him", Kaoru pointed out dryly with anger under the surface.

"Not done by our parents or at any official clinic. I guess we are lucky… even if it doesn't make sense… ".

"What doesn't make sense? That your parents didn't try to 'cure' you?"

"Yeah… I mean, they didn't like that we were zeroes. I don't even remember the time I really believed that they loved us. Sure, they had moments when they were nice but I can barely remember them. It's very blurry".

"It's usually easier to remember negative things. Maybe they didn't hate you as much as you think. Disgusted, maybe, but you were still their kids. Don't look at me like that, I am in no way defending them. I'm just trying to help make sense of it myself".

"Maybe they weren't sure if they hated us or not. At least at first, but hate ultimately won… and I can't pinpoint any specific situation that could have, you know, made them decide to just give us away".

"Why would you say that they wouldn't know for sure in the beginning if they hated you or not?"

"Because… like I said, it's blurry, but I knew there were moments it almost felt like we were a happy family, despite my suspicion that they loathed us. I wish my memory wasn't almost as bad as Kaoru's, then maybe I could have understood it. But it was so long ago".

"You haven't tried to suppress your past like Kaoru has? Your memories are just gone with time?"

"Suppressed it? I wish I could remember it. At least the parts that weren't as bad… or I also wish that I could remember the worst parts as well. To add fuel to the fire you know".

"You want to make sure that your hate is justified? For your parents?"

"Yeah, I guess. Because if it isn't my power's fault that they didn't love me, then it's my fault. If it's my power's fault, then I can be angry at them for not trying to see past that - even if parents generally aren't able to. If it's my fault, then I can only be angry at myself".

Hikaru said generally instead of claiming that no parent could love their zero child. Part of the reason why was that Ryoichi could have a loving mom, which meant that some parents still could. His thoughts had also swayed back and forth on the subject for years. He was genuinely surprised that there were legitimately caring mothers when Kaoru told him about Ryoichi, but a certain part of him had always thought that it was actually unfair that his parents didn't even want to try to love him or Kaoru. That she should at least do it on the basis of them being family.

"Why would it be your fault?"

"Because I make most people dislike me now, why wouldn't I have done it back then?"

Kyoya stared at him silently for a second; he hadn't expected to get into this kind of conversation with the hot-headed teenager (or now adult). He didn't feel like he was the right one for Hikaru to confine in because of their history, but the redhead didn't have his brother to talk to at the moment.

"I have gotten the impression that you have changed significantly since you were young because of… well, time changes a lot".

Kyoya almost said 'because of Kaoru's serum' but he had a feeling that it would not be a very well received thing to bring up. He didn't want to risk starting a fight by supposedly 'blaming Kaoru' (or something just as far-fetched that Hikaru could come up with). The older twin did not need more perceived reasons to doubt the doctor's feelings towards his brother. Especially now when it seemed like Hikaru was at least trying to be civil.

Hikaru didn't answer him so Kyoya continued.

"Was Kaoru horrible as a child?"

"God no! Mischievous, yes, but he was a nice kid".

"Your parents hated him too, correct?"

"Yeah, but- ".

"So, it had nothing to do with a certain kind of behavior. Nothing to do with you", Kyoya concluded. "I think you know that deep down as well. It's just a stressful time for you".

Hikaru smiled sadly but appreciatively at him before they fell into an awkward silence. Not necessarily awkward because of the subject, but more so because of the situation. Their conversation had most likely gone on for so long and been so personal and so civil because it was the only thing that distracted them from what was happening with Kaoru. Despite Hikaru's assurance that Kaoru would most likely be fine, neither male felt truly assured in the end. Proof of Kaoru's well-being needed to be presented before either of them could calm down.

A couple of minutes later, a doctor from the hospital area walked towards them with a notepad in his hands.

"He will be fine", was the first thing he said and both Kyoya and Hikaru could breathe out in relief. "He will stay here for a few days. He is asleep now but he was awake long enough for us to ask him the questions needed to determine if his brain is still fully functional. However, we could not determine yet if he remembers his mission".

Kyoya saw how Hikaru once again looked horrified; he probably knew the seriousness better than Kyoya did.

"Is that something that happens when zeroes can't make their sacrifice in time?" He asked. "Or at least for similar types of zeroes?"

"It can happen", the doctor confirmed. "Either because of the amount of time between the mission and zero being in a lucid state, making details disappear or because the latest use of powers is the first memory being attacked by the unappeased Richter wine. In other words, what is targeted first by the cells being released by the Richter vine when no sacrifice is being made".

"How much trouble is Kaoru going to get into?" Hikaru asked. "For fucking up like this?"

"Well. It depends on what happened. You just said beforehand that he couldn't make his sacrifice in time but not how. In some cases, this is inevitable, but if he forgot his ring anywhere, then I can imagine that Grimes will be very cross with him. As you know, he isn't allowed to ever take it off and it doesn't fall off his fingers easily. The designer made sure of that".

"So he did take it off before he went to town", Kyoya thought, a little relieved but still distressed because he needed to come up with something quick so Kaoru wouldn't get into trouble.

He was trying to think what exactly the doctor meant with "inevitable". If there were things that could prevent Kaoru from doing his zero sacrifice that was beyond his control then he should be fine, right? He glanced at Hikaru, hoping that he could come up with any instances where Kaoru hadn't been able to do his sacrifice (when it wasn't necessarily his own fault) but Hikaru seemed just as stumped.

"We would ask Kaoru himself but we don't think he would be able to remember", the doctor added. "It probably surprised him that he wasn't able to do it. That's generally the case".

"Can the ring get stuck on things?" Kyoya asked.

"Maybe, but it's made to fit his finger perfectly so it couldn't be pulled off so easily".

"He has lost weight", Hikaru pointed out, finally trying to be helpful. "He is bonier than before. Especially after the treatments began. Could that affect how snug the ring is?"

"Because the ring is made perfectly for him when he is in a specific size then that could be the cause", the doctor confirmed while looking thoughtful. "But what you're talking about has to be about a dramatic enough drop in weight… ".

"If you look through the journals I have uploaded after Kaoru's appointments, you can see that he has a documented history of weight loss. Even before the treatments", Kyoya chimed in to prove Hikaru's hypothesis. "I found the ring on my way to my office, when I was getting something I had forgotten. I suspect it might have either fallen off or maybe gotten stuck somewhere".

For a moment, Kyoya was afraid that he might have put the target on Kaoru's lack of responsibility anyway if the doctor would consider his weight loss his own fault.

"I can imagine that sending him on a mission so close after keeping him awake for 72 hours didn't help his situation much", the doctor noted. "There have been discussions about if he should continue with memory dive missions or resign for now, at least during the most influential parts of his treatment. I think we probably have to discuss it further now with more to think about".

"Yes, that sounds good", Kyoya agreed even though he could already see Kaoru being devastated about being left out of the missions from now on. "Do you think Grimes would still want to reprimand him for this?"

The doctor shook his head. "I think he would be able to see that Kaoru's mistake is more our mistake. Only a fool would blame anyone but themselves for sending someone unauthorized into something so delicate. The point of the treatment is to make his mind weaker for the Richter vine to build itself up better. This is something we should have more seriously taken into consideration".

"When can I see him?" Hikaru asked while nervously playing with his fingers.

"You can visit him later today. Grimes probably wants to talk to him first, he usually wants to be personally involved when something diverts… you don't have to be worried, we will explain things to him. He is an understanding man".

"I hope he is one right now then", Kyoya said and the doctor disappeared pretty soon after that.

"Is this the only time you are relieved that Kaoru loses weight?" Hikaru asked teasingly, in an attempt to slightly diffuse the situation now when everything seemed to be fine (or at least not as bad as before).

So, Kaoru had made Hikaru aware of Kyoya's complaints about his weight. Kyoya could imagine that it could be annoying for the younger redhead to hear someone mention his weight so often so Kyoya tried to be understanding that his boyfriend felt the need to vent about him. Now when Kyoya thought about it, he wouldn't have appreciated someone pointing out his weight all the time either. Maybe it was because he was a guy and guys generally don't like to discuss health like that or because guys weren't supposed to be super skinny. He had been through his fair share of body shaming within the gay community for not being super muscular, which always grated on him, so maybe he really should be more careful about his comments about Kaoru's body. At least as long as Kaoru's body situation didn't go into dangerous territory.

"I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm 'relieved'", Kyoya corrected while scratching his neck. "But I have to admit that some negative things have their pros… ".

"Where did you actually find the ring?"

"In my room. He visited me briefly a few days ago. I'm not sure how his ring came off, however".

"Ah".

Kyoya lied about the last part but otherwise, he had enough respect to remain honest. Hikaru also probably wouldn't appreciate hearing that his brother got into this mess because he wanted to go down on someone…

"He was absolutely exhausted, so it makes sense that he might have been less careful with the ring".

"So, it was when he had to stay up for several days?"

"Yeah. I think he didn't want to wake you up and knew that I was most likely up late".

Kyoya actually couldn't have guessed what went through Kaoru's sleep-deprived mind that night, but it felt like the assurance he gave Hikaru was needed.

"I can imagine that", Hikaru muttered. "Well… I think I'm heading back to my room to wait to be able to visit Kaoru somewhere else. You should leave too… before people get the right idea".

With that, Hikaru left him alone and with a new concerning thought; had Kyoya acted too emotional? Not emotional as in overreacting because he didn't think he acted inappropriately for the situation given that Kaoru could have received brain damage or lost his life. No, emotional as in appearing emotional, more emotional than just a mere doctor to Kaoru should have had. He knew that his façade of a doctor just being worried for his patient broke significantly when Duncan didn't move out of the way with his friend. Maybe he didn't come off as desperate as he thought he did during that time but did he act suspiciously while waiting for news about Kaoru? He didn't know, hopefully, he was only thinking too deeply. Just to make sure, he would keep himself from visiting Kaoru, at least in the beginning. He didn't want to cause either him or Kaoru trouble, especially not now.

---

Kaoru supposed he should've been thankful that Grimes had been so understanding, but not being allowed to go on any more memory dive missions until the main mission was over felt degrading in a way. He not being able to do his zero sacrifice in time was a one time thing, A ONE TIME THING. Or more like a one time thing in recent years because he did forget it a few times in the beginning (under supervision most of the time). He just wasn't used to being that tired yet, he would get used to staying up so long eventually! They didn't have to put the dream dive missions on hold for him.

After being discharged from the hospital, Kaoru was immediately sent to the memory treatment because of the days wasted thanks to the mishap. No one seemed to care that he would be at the lab way too early but maybe he could convince Henry to torture him sooner (nothing he would say no to if Kyoya's information was correct). He had actually wanted to see Kyoya because the doctor hadn't come to see him when he was in the hospital (he could understand why. It would look weird to the rest). He didn't feel the need to see his boyfriend because he couldn't go a few days without him, but because he wanted to be with him and assure him that he was fine (after almost possibly dying). Plus, Kaoru did promise him that they could have sex, and he was in a very good mood to honor that promise…

Walking through the corridor to the memory simulation, he started to hear yelling. He carefully continued to walk but stopped completely when he could snap up the words well enough and only barely be able to make out the shapes in the poorly lit corridor.

"I don't care and I know you damn well you don't either. You said you had time over and this hasn't been an issue before!"

Kaoru recognizes the voice… and he couldn't say that he was that surprised once he overcame the initial shock.

"It wasn't an issue before because the people who can get me fired didn't know about this then", Henry's voice said and Kaoru could almost hear the eye roll, and he wondered if Henry was still smiling the way he always did or if he was finally more serious. "I could get away with it as long as a superior hasn't directly told me that it was wrong. Now they have. You should have been more careful. Who did you tell?"

"You can't keep me from doing this! I am ordering you to let me back in!"

"I can't. I am not getting fired because an old man wants to talk to the dead… don't you dare attack me, I am more important than the shitstains you usually assault".

"I wasn't going to attack you and you are disposable".

He received a slightly deranged laugh as a response.

"I highly doubt that. But if you want to try your luck, I'll use my knife. I need to be prepared when the child assaulter is here".

Kaoru had no idea if Henry was brave or incredibly stupid. If Henry could in fact protect himself then maybe he was more brave than stupid. Kaoru also couldn't deny that it felt nice that those words came out of Henry's mouth even if they were from a place of sadistic malice rather than justified anger.

"Stop calling me that".

"Assaulter? Why? Go away, grandpa, and drink yourself stupid in your office like you normally do. If you want to come back here again, I suggest you plead to the people in charge. They seem to have a sore spot for their old drunk tard, so you might be able to convince them. I literally don't care what happens, just don't risk my job. Good day, I have preparations to make for someone who is actually allowed to use the treatment".

After that, Kaoru heard a door close and the floor vibrated from someone storming towards his direction. His first instinct was to run and hide but there was nowhere to go and his footsteps would definitely be heard too. He decided to stay put and act as normal and nonchalant as possible. The figure came closer and closer and became easier to distinguish (not that it wasn't easy to identify him before). General Rai stopped in front of him, glaring and fuming from the previous conversation.

"What are you doing here, kid?" He bellowed and Kaoru flinched, despite logically knowing that Kyoya had control over the situation.

"Good morning, general", Kaoru greeted as respectfully and nonchalantly as possible. "I am just fulfilling my duty".

"So, they are waiting for you? They let someone like you use it without any fuss-".

"I am becoming a blockade, sir", Kaoru hurried to explain. "It's anything but pleasant for me. I'm only seeing bad things".

"So, you are not trying to sneak in to see your parents or something?"

"I have no control, general. Even if I did, my parents hate me, remember? Only people inside of the base have any kindness to show me".

Kaoru hoped that he was defusing the situation because he really didn't want to risk causing an altercation. If Rai was angry enough he would not remember what was at stake if Kyoya found out. But he couldn't just try to excuse himself from the conversation right away for his own safety because a part of Kaoru also wanted to take away some of the older man's anger. He did still care about him, at least a little. He also felt sorry for the general still.

"Damn straight we are", Rai agreed and Kaoru felt relief despite being a little offended that Rai insinuated that he was one of the people showing Kaoru kindness. "I assume the blockade thing is for the mission I helped you join?"

"Yes. Once again, I want to thank you for helping me get the opportunity".

Even if Kaoru mostly said that to get on Rai's good side, it was still true and it made Kaoru remember that Rai wasn't an evil man. Yes, what he did when he was angry was unforgivable, but Rai still had his nice moments. Like when he helped Kaoru find a way to be helpful when he was becoming more and more useless. Kaoru's trust in him could never be restored and it still didn't make him forgive him for what he had done and almost done. The last attack had made him more scared, but also angrier, with the older man. The general crossed a line when he drunkenly tried to force himself on him and almost killed him when he fought back… Kaoru wondered if he could ever fully forgive Rai even if the older male received the help Kyoya said that he needed and became a good guy (a good guy all the time and not just when he was in a good mood).

"No need to thank me, little one", Rai said and Kaoru had never been so glad to hear those weird pet names again. "I have to be on my way… I trust that you don't tell anyone anything you heard when I talked to him".

"As far as anyone knows, I just arrived", Kaoru assured with a smile.

Rai smiled at Kaoru before walking past him. Kaoru was about to proceed to the room the general just came from but decided to take his chance and called after Rai again.

"Yes?" Rai said and turned to look at Kaoru again.

"If you aren't busy I have something I would like to ask you", Kaoru explained and walked over to Rai so they stood in front of each other again. "I don't think it's too personal but I respect your wishes if you don't want to answer".

Kaoru knew that Rai would just go and be sad in his office. He highly doubted that he had anything of importance to do. Still, it was safer to ask instead of making an insulting assumption.

"I don't have to hurry anywhere. Ask on, tiny".

"Well… I know this is something you are much better at understanding… Maybe it's because of my age, but I have started to wonder what love is… I know it sounds a little stupid, especially because I will be single all my life. But you know, I might be 18 now but I'm still a stupid and curious child on the inside".

"... You… You want to know what love is?" Rai asked like he was slowly tasting the words and not being sure if it tasted good before he laughed. "I applaud you for cheering me up like this but explaining love might be complicated at best and completely pointless at worst".

"Why would it be complicated?" Kaoru asked while doing his best to not show that he felt insulted by his question being so silly that it made Rai laugh. "You feel that feeling, right?"

"So much that you memory dive to visit the memories of her", Kaoru added silently in his head. He wasn't suicidal, saying that out loud would have been catastrophic.

"Yes, I do, but love isn't like a feeling such as sadness. You can only try to explain it but it's something you have to feel for yourself to know properly".

"I think that goes for all feelings now when I think about it", Kaoru thought out loud. "I mean, how can you explain sadness to someone who has never felt anything akin to that? I would imagine that it would be hard… but maybe not impossible… ".

"It would still be in vain to try to explain love to you".

"Is it because I will never fall in love?"

"Yes., but that would still stand if you got into a relationship with one of the Boys or something".

Kaoru crooked his eyebrow at him.

"Why do you think that? Because I'm a zero?"

"Not only, even if I do believe that you zeros don't feel feelings the same way. You act too nonchalant about things that would crush normal people".

"Act". Kaoru emphasized. "I am not really allowed to be sad here. A depressed zero is a useless zero after all. We have to move on as quickly as possible. I mean, I still mourn my friend even if I don't talk about him".

"I… I don't know about that. I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this one for now", Rai dismissed and Kaoru hated how he made it sound like they were just disagreeing on something like books and not disagreeing if Kaoru has the same capacity to feel like Rai. "But that's not the only reason as to why I don't think it is productive to tell you".

"Then what else?"

"You are an 18-year-old who has never been loved. I am not saying that you should have had a meaningful romantic relationship by now, but you should at least have received love from your parents. They are the ones who are supposed to teach you love by showing it to you. But as a zero, you never had access to that. I mean, there is no mystery as to why you never hear about zeroes entering loving relationships. Despite what some people in third world countries think, zeroes usually come from non zeroes so it's not like you reproduce".

"Is it really that important that my parents had to love me for me to be able to love someone else?" Kaoru asked, heart already sinking in his chest. "Because my brother loves me. Isn't that enough?"

"Not even if he wasn't also a zero", Rai chuckled, he either didn't seem to care or notice that this conversation brought Kaoru distress. "It's a completely different connection. A person can perfectly understand love without having a good relationship with their sibling. If it was enough, you wouldn't have come here to ask me about love, right?"

"... I guess so… ".

"People become emotionally distant if they don't get the love they need from their parents. I must admit that you are more expressive than I would have expected but the fact still remains that you are too emotionally distant when it comes to love to be able to feel it for anyone who isn't your brother - the boy who is almost the same as you in every way. I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I think it's important to be honest with you and not humor you like you were a child".

"I do appreciate the honesty", Kaoru said with a forced smile before looking down. "Thank you".

"You should be thankful in a way, that you won't feel love I mean", Rai said and leaned his back against the wall to indicate that he was prepared for the conversation to go on. "I am not exactly happy. Losing someone you love is the worst feeling imaginable. And when you are an old man like me, the loss is all you are ever going to have. I am not a 24-year-old who lost his girlfriend of two years to a car accident, I am a 68-year-old man who has lost his wife after over 40 years of marriage. I can't mourn for a few months and then move on- not saying that I could have if I was the hypothetical 24-year-old but this is different. I haven't known a world without her for more than half of my life and living 20 to 30 more years alone is terrifying. This is what they don't tell you when they encourage you to fall in love and get married, they never tell you about how, if you are the last surviving one, you'll feel more lonely than you have ever done before… I have been with that woman since I was 26, and everyone expects me to get over her… ".

Kaoru felt guilty about thinking about Rai's wife as an obstacle to just 'get over' to stop being such a violent man. Maybe it was because of his young age, but he had never considered how it was to grow old with someone and die last. He never really wanted to think about the distant future, especially when it came to his relationship with Kyoya because it could only end badly. But if Kyoya worked at the base until he was either 60 or 70 (or whatever the age was for retirement, he wouldn't know) and was together with Kaoru the whole time, the breakup would be much more devastating than breaking up would be now. Both would definitely be more mature about it than they would be currently, but it would be excruciating. Being in love with someone from 17 to at least 60 was a very long time… but maybe it wouldn't be as bad if Rai was correct about him not being able to love. Their relationship probably wouldn't even last that long as soon as Kyoya found out that their love could only be one-sided. And honestly, Kyoya really deserved someone who could love him back.

"I could never imagine what you are going through", Kaoru said sympathetically after shaking off his thoughts. "But… Can you tell me about the good parts? Of her I mean. There must have been a lot of good to make you feel like this… I'm sorry that I asked, it was extremely inappropriate and insensitive".

"No, I understand that you are curious, especially because it's so alien to you", Rai assured and Kaoru thought that he was only okay with the question because he needed to talk with someone and no one else at the base probably wanted to hear about his late wife. "The pain I feel right now is worth it for the time we had together, I dishonored her memory by making you think differently".

It startled Kaoru that Rai didn't blame him for 'misunderstanding'. Maybe the older man used to be quite reasonable and some of his old self showed through when he talked about his wife.

"I wouldn't say that you made it sound like everything was bad. I got the impression that you had something good and loving, hence why it hurts so much", Kaoru explained and thought that Rai looked a little relieved at that.

"That's… that's good then", he said hesitantly before continuing. "We had our ups and downs, with money, fertility issues and my drinking… but we pulled through every single time and our love just grew. We built each other up. She made me more open and gave me better ways to cope, things that could replace alcohol in my life and I made her use her voice more and pursue her own happiness instead of others'… unfortunately, when the person disappears the foundation they built for you disappears as well".

He faltered for a moment but quickly shook it off in favor of continuing to talk about her.

"I still remember those little things she used to do. I used to always need to pee in the middle of the night and she would always whine in her sleep when I left the bed. She did a lot of adorable things like that. She needed to hug me at least twice a day, made my favorite pie when I was down, sent me lovely letters when I was deployed and so on… those moments are what I miss the most… God, I miss her… ".

They stood there silently for a while. Rai was staring at the floor and Kaoru decided to take a risk and stand beside him for quiet moral support. The redhead didn't know if it was time to go to the treatment or not because he had no watch but he couldn't just leave the man now. A part of him was even scared to go because of the direction his thoughts would go when his mind wasn't occupied by Rai… his thoughts were already going there, damn. If he truly couldn't love Kyoya then Kyoya deserved to know… but maybe it didn't matter because Kyoya didn't love him back? Maybe it was a ridiculous thought, but Kaoru didn't feel himself becoming more and more lovable. Neither Kyoya or Hikaru knew this, but he had started to have bad dreams about his past. Starting to suffer from bad dreams, just like Kyoya, increased Kaoru's fear of successively becoming too much for his boyfriend. Yes, Kaoru was still stoked about becoming a blockade and Kyoya said that he wouldn't break up with him over this but that didn't mean that Kaoru wouldn't eventually become too crazy for him. Kaoru already had a bad past and allegedly an inability to love, this treatment would eventually cause him to lose it. Would he then become like the crazy ex who tried to attack Kyoya with a knife? Or would he become just as paranoid and possessive like Hikaru was over him? The real question wasn't if Kyoya loved him, it was if Kyoya should love him.

"It's nice to talk", Rai murmured. "It's too bad you weren't a girl, then you could have really helped", he joked with a laugh.

Once upon a time, Kaoru would have taken that as a harmless but slightly shocking and inappropriate joke (like his spanking comment he made before). However, after what Rai tried to do to him, the thing that started their latest altercation, it just made him feel sick. It boggles the mind how unable the general was to understand how inappropriate it was to make those jokes to someone he attacked violently for rejecting his sexual advances. The situation probably became less and less serious for Rai the longer he went without repercussions. Not paying any mind to Kaoru's silent demeanor and body language that clearly expressed great discomfort, Rai continued:

"Tiny, thanks for listening to me. Seriously", Rai suddenly said and looked up at Kaoru with an appreciative smile. "I think I saw genuine sympathy and not just curiosity in you… what a world".

With that one last insult towards Kaoru's supposed 'lack of feelings', Rai finally left. Kaoru didn't even get the chance to say anything back. He just shrugged and walked towards the room he was supposed to go to just to find Henry outside, waiting.

"How was the heart to heart with old pa?" Henry teased with the same grating shit eater grin on his face as always. "I guess I have seen worse replacements for absent fathers".

"It isn't like that", Kaoru said through gritted teeth.

"Really? Because I'd imagine that the beating he gives you reminds you just of the father you had back home", Henry said innocently, pretending to be deep in thoughts.

"Can we just get to it already?"

Kaoru walked past him into the room. He had to blink a couple of times because the lights were so much brighter there than in the corridor.

"Where is Thomas?" He asked as nonchalantly as possible after quickly looking around.

"He will be here soon. No need to be frightened", Henry teased and walked past him to prepare the chair. "I assume you have questions".

"About Thomas?"

"No, about the old man. Why he was here".

"I know why. He is a vulnerable man, why did you let him use this? Won't that just make it harder for him to be able to move on?"

Henry shrugged with a lopsided sheepish grin. Kaoru wondered if there was anything or anyone Henry cared about. Was Henry truly the only person whose feelings mattered to him?

"He is a grown ass man, he can make his own decisions. He is allowed to drink himself drunk enough that the air he breathes out is pure alcohol, so why can't he talk to his dead wife? It's not like he is the only one who abuses this baby".

"You knew he wasn't allowed to use this before your job was on the line. I know you didn't find a way to target good memories instead of bad ones of the kindness of your heart… I still don't understand why a serum targeting good memories even exists, I thought this was only made to make zeros into blockades or to torture prisoners".

"Ouch my 'kind heart'", Henry said fake hurt with his hand over his chest (not even on the left side, but Kaoru didn't doubt that the man had no idea what a heart was and where it was supposed to be located). "It's actually quite easy to change the target. It's all chemistry. I studied shit like that in school. I am not doing experiments illegally on it, targeting good dreams can be a good tactic as well on 'guests'".

"Isn't experimenting with this the scientists' job?"

"Oh, it is. When it isn't used on sad old men wanting to relive some part of their youth", Henry shrugged while bringing out the restraints; looking just as excited as normal at the thought of tying someone up with them.

"Does this serum have bad side effects?" Kaoru asked.

"That was a random question, but okay", Henry murmured to himself like he was thinking out loud. "As you have probably noticed by now, using zero powers that aren't yours comes with side effects. Usually, even when you are a zero yourself".

"Usually?" Kaoru repeated incredulously, thinking about Hikaru.

"Yeah, mixing zero powers gives mixed results. I can even almost say that it kind of gives an opposite effect in a way. Mixing two zeroes powers usually prevents bad side effects for zeroes taking the serum… and usually instead gives side effects to the zero's whose powers are used for the serum. The opposite to what would have happened if it wasn't a mixed serum, as you have noticed. The theory is that the serum becomes too hard for the brain to identify in zeroes. For zeroes whose powers aren't in the serum, the brain decides that it is in fact their powers in most cases. The opposite for zeroes whose powers are in the serum. It might sound confusing to you, but sometimes if the mind recognizes something but can't place it you become scared instead of calm. Humans- I mean no. Zeros get side effects, but quicker. But you however won't experience this nearly as much as you need more time for the bad side effects to kick in. Lucky you".

Kaoru didn't know if it was only because of the things he now knew about Henry, but he swore that the man sounded disappointed at that fact. Of all the things Henry had told him, he actually believed him about the side effects not kicking in for him yet. It usually took at least a few years before the Boys fell to the madness that came from taking Kaoru's serum. Henry hadn't realized that he accidentally answered Kaoru's previous question that he had tried to dodge; why he did actually let Rai use the simulator. At least part of the reason. Henry knew about the negatives of the serum for non zeroes. Adding that to playing with the emotions of the vulnerable men using the simulator sounded like the perfect pastime activity for a psychopath.

"I don't quite understand why you are mad at me for this. I mean, if there are any dangers for non zeros to do this, isn't he an asshole?"

"It's not easy to hate people. Things aren't black and white… maybe it should be black and white when it comes to this person but it is what it is".

"Weird", Henry chuckled and gestured to Kaoru to sit down.

Thomas walked into the room as soon as Kaoru's ass was planted on the dentist chair. He looked stressed as soon as he saw Kaoru, no doubt because he was afraid of what Henry possibly could have said this time around without him there.

"Kaoru", He said. "You are early".

"Yeah. Was sent here after being discharged from the hospital".

"Immediately after recovering from an injury?"

Henry cut in with a chuckle. "They sure do care about you… ".

"Knock it off", Thomas warned and Henry shrugged dismissively while eyeing Kaoru with a 'you know I'm joking, right?' look, even though both of them knew that he wasn't.

"It's not a hassle that I'm early, right?" Kaoru asked to cut the awkwardness short.

"No, not at all", Thomas assured with a kind voice despite still staring sternly at his colleague. "If you are ready".

"I am".

"As ready as I can be, I guess… ".

---

Pain was one of those things you couldn't really get used to. Partly because it was something so easy to forget; how bad it was that is. Hence why mothers screaming that their husbands needed vasectomies during childbirths went to pop out one or more kids afterward. There wasn't much you could do to prepare for the pain either. Kaoru wasn't sure if knowing beforehand that it was going to hurt was better or worse.

They had increased the level of pain again. Kaoru wasn't sure if gradually making it more painful was helpful at all, but maybe the fact that he was missing the early stages of the pain simulator was a sign that… Well, he couldn't come up with anything. He had stopped trying to hold back his screams weeks ago, but this time he was sure that he would lose his voice for a few days. He had something in his mouth to prevent him from biting down on his own tongue (they remembered the gag after TWO sessions). It was unclear if the wetness in his face was sweat or tears (or both) because the pain occupied his mind and didn't leave much room for any thought. Kaoru wasn't just burning or being electrocuted anymore, he felt the sensation of bones breaking, skin tearing and nails being pushed out of his fingertips. The latter caused him to push his fingertips into any surface available despite knowing at the back of his mind that he was just imagining the pain.

For reasons unbeknownst to him, he felt a strong need to open his eyes. At first, he fought against the urge because he didn't want the people behind the glass to see his bloodshot eyes, but an invincible force managed to forcefully pry his eyelids open. Suspecting foreign interference, he wanted to warn the others but the pain made it too difficult. Being too vulnerable to fight it, his head was forced as much to the side as possible and his eyes landed on a girl sitting on the ground leaning against the wall. It was difficult to see through the blue glass of the pod, but she didn't look older than Kaoru and her body was extremely underweight (probably as underweight Kyoya made it sound like Kaoru was). Despite looking exhausted, the girl looked up at him with a mean smirk. She leaned her head on her hand and watched Kaoru with sadistic amusement as he continued on screaming in pain.

The girl was still there when the serum stopped entering his bloodstream, but she now looked transparent like a ghost. He must have muttered about her during his delirious state because one of the doctors said:

"Only you can see her. Don't worry, it's not a spy or anything akin to that".

It sounded like it was supposed to be ensuring Kaoru, but it did the complete opposite. Was it implied that he was supposed to be completely alright with seeing things that weren't there just because it wasn't actually foreign interference!?

The girl was standing up while leaning on the wall for support, still staring at him with probing eyes and a smirk that made her resemble a cat. Why was she there? Why could only he see her? Why were they so calm about it? … Was it because he was actually crazy now? Was it normal to be like this at this stage and that's why they didn't act like it was a big deal? It couldn't be the side effects of the serum because he hadn't been on it nearly long enough… this might just have been from him. The memory treatment had brought up his old dark memories and he had been through his fair share of bad things until now. He had feared that this would happen. If Kyoya hadn't been there he might not have cared as much because his brother was already well on his way on the road to insanity, and nothing would have been more important than becoming so helpful to the military so Kaoru would just have to bite the bullet and let this happen calmly. He needed to tell Kyoya about this, no matter how nauseating the thought made him. Honesty was a must, Kyoya couldn't be kept in the dark if Kaoru was truly starting to see things that didn't exist because of his deteriorating psyche. He could already see the disappointment in his eyes and the return of the "the blockade treatment was a horrible idea"-talk again. The young redhead almost started to cry again but held it back; a breakdown was imminent, but it sure wasn't going to happen now.

Not being considered in the risk zone since the first night of the treatment, Kaoru's aching body was dragged to Kyoya's office cubicle for a quick check-up before he could finally rest.

"You can leave him here", Kyoya told the men leaving Kaoru lying down on the always hard and uncomfortable examination table. "If he needs assistance back to his room then I can help him".

"Like you 'helped' me to the hospital?" Kaoru forced out between heavy breaths while still staring at the barely visible girl in the corner, who has followed them there.

"I assume Hikaru told you about that", Kyoya muttered, fake annoyed to not risk making the others suspicious. "I don't think I need to carry you this time, but you can lean your weight on me if needed… ".

"Sounds good to us", one of the men taking Kaoru there said, happy to not have to wait and drag a kid around more today, before they left the secret couple alone.

Kyoya's expression turned into a soft smile as he walked towards Kaoru and used his hand to remove some of the hair matted on Kaoru's forehead out of his eyes.

"Are you still in a lot of pain?" He asked sympathetically, switching to Japanese while caressing his boyfriend's cheek and hair.

"Yeah, a little but it will be over in a few hours", Kaoru answered quietly, also switching to Japanese, with a weak but reassuring smile. "I'm mostly exhausted… and sweaty, why are you touching me? Your hands must feel disgusting now".

"It's not that bad and I want to comfort my sleepy little boyfriend after a long painful day. If I'm allowed to of course".

"You are definitely allowed to".

"That's good… Kaoru?"

"Yeah?" Kaoru whispered.

Kyoya hesitated for a moment. He wasn't exactly sure that overcame him. Maybe it was because of how he was looking down at the Boy and started to think about the way it felt like he was overwhelmed with warmth and need to touch every time he saw him. Maybe it was because of how simple, yet affectionate the moment was. Nothing actually stood out to him as to why he suddenly felt the need to talk about this. It could be that he had tried to push this away for so long, always convincing himself that it was too early… but was it really too early anymore? For Kaoru probably. He was so young and this was so new to him. But he was still very mature for his age and could take on other adult things. However, this was definitely not the right time for this conversation. The younger male was in a lot of discomfort and something else was definitely off about him.

"What are you looking at? You have been staring at the corner over there this whole time".

The young doctor hoped that his hesitation didn't raise any suspicion within the winded teenager, but Kaoru had probably too low energy to be able to be truly perceptive.

"I… ", Kaoru started but paused and closed his eyes. "Give me a minute to… recover".

Kaoru tried to sound calm, but Kyoya could tell that there was a certain amount of fear behind his words. The older male grabbed one of Kaoru's hands and placed a few kisses on his knuckles Kaoru giggled and looked up at him for the first time during this meeting. The eyes reflected the pain and exhaustion but still held that familiar warmth that Kyoya was becoming happier and happier with seeing.

"Are you trying to kiss it all better?" Kaoru teased and chuckled. "And you are calling me cute".

"You are cute. I want to hold you every time I see you… that was awfully sappy, but it made you blush so you have no right to mock me for it".

"You sure can say really nice things sometimes", Kaoru commented and made himself sit in an upright position, grabbing onto Kyoya's arms for support.

"You make it sound like I almost never say nice things to you".

"Maybe you do… once or twice", Kaoru teased while massaging a few circles on Kyoya's arm with his finger.

They smirked at each other before their lips met in a short, but sweet and savory, kiss. It couldn't last for too long because they weren't in the privacy of Kyoya's room. When they pulled away from one another, they looked each other in the eyes for a few seconds. Kaoru held back a sarcastic apology for his bad breath and they wrapped their arms tightly around each other and hugged each other close.

"Are you afraid of telling me?" Kyoya asked quietly.

"Yes… ".

"Why? What's making you afraid?"

"The… you must think this is ridiculous, me being scared of telling you why I'm staring at nothing. Must look pretty stupid", Kaoru laughed. "Can't imagine what this looks like to you".

"It's not stupid if it's something that's really bothering you", Kyoya assured. "I thought you might not have felt like you could look at me for some reason, but is there something you are seeing over there that I don't? Is my vision worse than I thought?" Kyoya joked a little at the end but overall kept a serious tone so Kaoru wouldn't derail the subject with more jokes.

"No, nothing like that… I saw… I see a girl".

Kyoya placed his hands on Kaoru's shoulder and pulled him away enough to take a better look at his features to be able to read his expression.

"What do you mean? Do you see a girl in this room, right now?" He asked, sounding calm for now but his eyes expressed his worry as clear as day.

"Yeah… she isn't as visible anymore, almost gone actually. She is looking at me curiously. Beforehand she looked more sadistic", Kaoru explained, knowing fully well how absolutely crazy he sounded but he didn't see a good reason to lie.

Now when there was no room for Kyoya to be confused, he was looking much more distressed. His eyes were wide and brows burrowed. Kaoru wanted to look away but he needed to have this conversation now, especially when he had already started it.

"No, please don't… ", Kyoya murmured and shook his head in denial.

Kaoru involuntarily made a choking sound at the back of his throat followed by a small whine and both men seemed equally surprised by the reaction. Sure Kaoru was immediately flown into even more distress by Kyoya's reaction, but he had never made a sound like that before as a response to a stressful or painful situation. Maybe the serum-induced pain that was still left in his body, his low energy levels and his previous fears (now suspected to be confirmed, judging by Kyoya's words) had made him temporarily regress a little or something. The new fresh memories from his childhood had started to bleed into his current life; he started to see more and more things that reminded him of when he was little. Especially now when he clearly disappointed Kyoya, just the way he had disappointed his parents in the past. His head was filling up with all kinds of scenarios, none of them were good.

"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have… ", Kyoya apologized to Kaoru like the redhead was a wounded animal Kyoya had just scared before he looked down to collect himself and looked up again. "You don't need to look at me like that. You haven't done anything wrong, I was just taken back to… ".

He stopped himself from further insinuating that Kaoru reminded him of someone painful in his past (probably a psychotic ex). Normally the comparison would have hurt a lot because it confirmed some of his current fears, but now it was a little bit of a relief because it meant that Kaoru wasn't the only one being "flown back in time" by the painful situation.

"How long have you seen the girl?" Kyoya decided to ask while rubbing Kaoru's upper arms. "I am not mad, I'm sorry I reacted like that… please talk to me".

There was something desperate in his voice like he was slowly freaking out more and more over his mistake. Kaoru wasn't sure what he was so scared about. It wasn't like he had ruined their relationship by a brief freak out. Kaoru was already calming down!

"It started during the treatment", Kaoru answered with a low voice and internally cursed himself for not talking a little louder because of how the fear grew in Kyoya's face. "The session today I mean. She is almost gone now. Have never seen her before. Not sure exactly how worried I should be but I know this can't be easily explained away as something insignificant… don't look at me like that, I just whined like a baby because I've had a hard day! I'm over it, really. I understand why you reacted like that. But if you think about it, me seeing things that aren't there is the next logical step… ".

"Next logical step", Kyoya repeated dryly, not as scared as before. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know. My memories aren't working the way they should, making me believe things happened in my childhood that didn't happen… and things like that. Now I see a random girl, as the next chapter of my descent into madness", Kaoru joked at the end and Kyoya looked at him with a disapproving look.

"Don't even joke about that, Kaoru", he warned sternly.

"Why not? Do you want me to cry and break down instead over how I'm literally losing my mind?"

"Stop it, you are NOT losing your mind. We already talked about your memories, you don't have to worry about that. And about this, you don't have to worry yet. This does not sound like normal psychosis. Have you noticed before that you have seen things that aren't there? Or heard voices? Or-".

"No, no. This is the first time as far as I'm aware. But what else could it be? Can't be a side effect of the serum because I haven't taken it long enough. It must be my psyche that's breaking down. We can't avoid the real repercussions of that now".

"It could still be the serum. Doesn't this serum work differently than yours? Your serum is made for other people to use your powers while this serum is made to copy the effect of the powers. In other words, if that serum was the same as yours it would make you able to inflict pain on others, not feel the pain. Maybe they have different side effects?"

Kyoya sounded desperate and Kaoru almost wanted to hold back but, like he thought before, he could NOT keep things from the older male. It wouldn't be fair and it wouldn't make Kyoya choose what was best for himself… and Kaoru was becoming less and less good for him if this continued.

"No, it works about the same. It's the artificial part of it that causes the craziness. If I could share my powers with the Boys without the serum then there wouldn't have been an issue. There hasn't been much research about what happens if a zero takes their own serum for a long time, because it's not necessary, but I wouldn't be surprised if that caused insanity as well. Albeit further into the future".

"Even if that's the case, this is still fishy. The girl still doesn't sound like a psychosis. Like I said last time, you should wait and see if there really is anything to worry about".

"But if it isn't a fucking psychosis, then what is it Kyoya!?" Kaoru exclaimed, not loud enough to count as screaming but he did sound louder. "Tell me, why shouldn't I worry? Why is this not something I should worry about? Is it because you don't want to accept that I'm not-".

Kaoru stopped himself and looked down. Kyoya wouldn't have any of it and tried to make eye contact despite Kaoru constantly moving his head.

"That you are not what? Not what, Kaoru?" Kyoya asked sternly. "What am I not accepting?"

"That I-", Kaoru sighed. "That I am becoming something you… I'm becoming something bad for you".

Kyoya stared at him in disbelief, in complete silence. Finally, when he had found the words that were closest to what he wanted to express, they heard people starting to come in.

"I should probably go now. I'll be fine walking on my own", Kaoru said and slipped out of Kyoya's grip and down to the floor.

He was a little wobbly but nothing indicated that he wouldn't be able to proceed without assistance.

"You are coming to my room later", Kyoya told him firmly, not asked. "We are not done with this discussion".

"I guess we aren't", Kaoru laughed, without any joy in him. "See you later I suppose...".

Carefully Kaoru walked out of the cubicle with Kyoya's eyes bored into him. He wasn't completely sure what he felt about the abrupt interruption in their conversation or the promise of its continuation later. Part of him wasn't ready to talk about this and he was terrified of Kyoya's response to him basically telling him to leave him for his own good. But the young redhead still felt like this was something that needed to be resolved quickly for his own mental state, and he was on some level hoping that Kyoya would be able to prove his fears wrong and put them to rest. It was highly doubtful that Kyoya could do it this time around unfortunately because sweet words couldn't change the fact that Kaoru was seeing a girl that didn't exist.

Hikaru hugged him when he came back. He had done it almost every time Kaoru returned from the treatment. Kaoru started to appreciate it more and more; it was a very nice thing to be welcomed with after being through something painful.

"You didn't get any help back?" Hikaru asked, a little worried and annoyed at whoever decided not to assist Kaoru.

Kaoru shrugged with a sheepish smile before he yawned deeply. Hikaru grabbed his waist and helped him to his bed. The older twin then slowly lowered his younger twin down on top of the thin covers and received a thankful but tired smile in return.

"I assured that I didn't need any help, but maybe I shouldn't have. I exhausted myself".

"You sure did. Take a nap".

"You don't have to convince me", Kaoru grinned and made himself as comfortable as possible on his bed.

He pushed his hands under the pillow under his head and looked blankly in front of him while blinking frequently.

"Something on your mind?" Hikaru suddenly asked, carefully and Kaoru glanced at him from the corner of his eye.

"Huh, wha?" Was all he could muster with his mind being too slow to process exactly what his brother had asked.

Hikaru just scoffed and rolled his eyes with a little amused smile on his face.

"Nevermind, you are way too useless now to be able to talk. I'll try to remember later when your ability to keep more than one eye open at the same time returns".

"When I can… when I can keep my three eyes open?" Kaoru slurred.

"Go the fuck to sleep", Hikaru laughed and Kaoru closed his eyes.

"I… need to… Kyoya… ".

"I'll wake you up later, just go to sleep", Hikaru dismissed; he managed to not sound too annoyed at the fact that Kaoru was going to Kyoya later.

"Thnnnks… ".

"You are lucky that you're adorable", Hikaru muttered and Kaoru could imagine him rolling his eyes. "Get some rest now, you annoying child".

"Go Go ga ga", was the last thing Kaoru said before the lack of energy made him forget more and more that Hikaru was even in the room.

---

He knew that the subject of the conversation he had with Kyoya previously was relevant to be brought up with Hikaru as well but, like Hikaru himself said so graciously, he was too tired to talk. The older twin couldn't be mad at Kaoru for not telling him about the girl sooner because he himself admitted that Kaoru was too out of it to bring up that subject in a fair way so Hikaru would properly understand the situation… even if Kaoru couldn't say that he understood everything about the situation himself.

Kaoru woke up a couple of hours later by Hikaru who decided to wake him up a while before he could leave for Kyoya's room. The explanation was that he didn't want it to be harder for Kaoru to fall asleep at night by sleeping the day away. The younger twin was thankful but being awake meant stressing over his conversation with Kyoya again so he decided to wait in the common area and draw; wishing that he had looked at the magazines Kyoya had more beforehand for inspiration.

Later that day when it was time for the boys to go to sleep, Kaoru dragged himself to Kyoya's room and knocked on the door. Kyoya let him in with a determined look on his face and started to talk immediately when the door was locked.

"You are not becoming something bad for me", Kyoya said as convincingly as he could, most likely trying hard from the beginning to make Kaoru 'understand'.

It took Kaoru a few seconds to realize that Kyoya was picking up exactly where they left off. The doctor had clearly thought about Kaoru's last words to him from their previously heated discussion.

"I am though", Kaoru rebutted, crossing his arms. "And you can't deny that when I start to hear voices or believe that I'm the president of the United States".

Kyoya looked at him disapprovingly again. Annoyance was clearly written all over his face and on some level Kaoru could understand. The younger male was trying to convince Kyoya that he knew what was best for him better than Kyoya did. The young doctor had probably gone through a lot mentally to be with Kaoru so this could also be considered a giant punch in the gut; it all allegedly being for nothing.

"This doesn't have to mean that it's going to continue".

Kaoru wanted to ask if he was talking about Kaoru seeing things or Kaoru's declining mental health, because "the seeing things"- thing wasn't the only current issue. The redhead had probably not conveyed that well enough because they were too focused on "the seeing things"- issues. Kaoru needed to bring up everything that was wrong with him, even if he wasn't ready to properly explain that he didn't think that it was good that Kyoya stayed with someone who didn't know how to love. Maybe he could skip that part for now? If this fight broke them up then he wouldn't have to bring it up at all… of course he didn't want to break up, he knew it was for the best but it hurt so much to think about. Why couldn't Kaoru have been a normal person who met Kyoya under normal circumstances?

Noticing that Kaoru was remaining silent and taking it as Kyoya finally having managed to get to him at least a little, he continued:

"Maybe it's a one-time hallucination", he suggested with a little bit of optimism on his face. "You can hallucinate from high levels of anxiety and lack of sleep. We should wait and see if this is going to be a recurring problem".

Kaoru shook away his thoughts and smiled sadly at him; he appreciated the tries, he really did. He wanted to believe this was nothing so damn badly. He wanted to lie to himself and throw himself into Kyoya's arm; living in naive bliss for a while longer. But that couldn't happen.

"The guys who supervised the treatment made it seem like seeing her wasn't too out of the ordinary. But he only told me not to worry because it wasn't a spy, not because seeing it wasn't something to worry about. They could care less if I see shit or not".

"Did they insinuate that seeing things were normal or seeing the girl was normal?"

"I don't know! People never tell me anything! I will stop freaking out so much until I see something like that again if you want to, but this still doesn't change things… ".

"Don't change what exactly? That you are bad for me?"

"I will be!"

Kyoya sighed in exasperation at his boyfriend's stubbornness. To his credit, Kaoru did sound a little childish there…

"Give me a break, Kaoru. You are still one of the best damn things that have happened to me… ".

"For how long!?" Kaoru cried out (normally he would have been overjoyed about hearing that kind of thing but he couldn't properly pay attention to the implications now). "Kyoya, you can't deny that I'm slipping and I sure will have been slipping a lot when I'm finally a fully working blockade. Maybe if I was a normal human, then I could work on getting better. But I don't have any access to any help here! I'm put on a list that prevents them from trying to help me even if I show strong signs of self-destructive behaviors. How long are you going to force yourself to be with me?"

"I'm not forcing myself to be with you and what is this list-".

"You need someone who is good for you. Someone who isn't making your life worse because I'm well assured that you have your own issues. You shouldn't have started dating me".

"Kaoru, stop it".

"I wasn't made to be with anyone anyway. Even without this blockade thing".

"I told you to stop!" Kyoya ordered with desperation in his narrowed eyes. "Why are you doing this to yourself? I'm happy with you. And what is this crap about you not being 'made to be with anyone?"

"I'm not like you. I don't work like I should".

"I have told you that I don't care that you are a zero! I want you in my life regardless!"

"I'm not talking about that! I am… ".

"You are what? What are you!?"

"I AM TOO SCARRED!... I don't think I'm whole enough for this".

Kyoya managed to look hurt, confused and deeply saddened by his words. He was simultaneously horrified and in disbelief about what he had just heard.

"Kami… what kind of foolishness have you convinced yourself of, Kaoru?"

Kaoru stared at the ground for a few minutes while blinking away angry stubborn tears from his eyes. He breathed heavily and desperately tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

"If this is not going away then, what will you do?" Kaoru asked quietly with an unstable voice; still not looking at Kyoya. "What will you do if I keep seeing things? If I continue to conflate my memories with others' or become stoic after the treatment? Because even If you refuse to believe that I will see more things, refuse to believe that I'll forget… but can you deny what the treatment will do to me? Can… c-can you d-do that?"

Warm tears were running down his face now. The ground was starting to become blurry and he was starting to shake. Kaoru desperately tried to hold back sobs while hoping that Kyoya either wouldn't notice that he was crying or that he would just ignore it. This made him feel so damn weak; all this crying when things like this happened. If anyone asked him how he was feeling right now, he wouldn't be able to give a good answer. He was furious, he was devastated, he was a bit liberated from finally letting this off his chest, he was extremely hurt to the point he felt pain in his chest… but at the same time there was a certain numbness hiding behind everything; he was used to this, he should be used to this. Good things didn't last for him. A part of him knew that he wasn't meant to have this.

"Kaoru, please look at me", Kyoya said and Kaoru couldn't read the tone of his voice, being too preoccupied with holding his emotions back.

Kaoru wanted to say something but he was far too choked up and afraid that opening his mouth would make him cry harder. Instead, he shook his head stubbornly while accidentally letting out a pathetic sound.

"I hate that you are feeling like this", Kyoya said with the softest and pained voice Kaoru had ever heard and took a hesitant step towards Kaoru (the flinch he received in return made him stop from going further and Kaoru didn't want to imagine the hurt look on the doctor's face, but he couldn't help it). "But I need to be honest, more honest than I am comfortable with if I want you to ever stop feeling so horrible over this. I'm sorry that I didn't realize and I'm sorry that I tried to convince you that nothing is wrong instead of telling you what you needed to hear… Kaoru, If all of that happens then I would still want to be by your side".

Kaoru shook his head again; he couldn't allow himself to just believe that. Those were just words, nothing more.

"I mean it. I will be there and help you when things get harder. I am not just with you for the good parts… I don't know what I can say to make you believe me", Kyoya sounded desperate and there was more emotion in his voice than in his words.

"Say why you would make yourself stay", Kaoru forced out; it was barely audible and he couldn't hold back the sob at the end.

Kaoru's throat and head hurt from holding in as much as he could. His ears picked up the sound of fabric being shuffled and he forced himself to look up. His bloodshot eyes widened and he hurried over to Kyoya and stopped his hands from unbuttoning his button-up further.

"Y-you don't have to!" Kaoru desperately cried and shook his head more violently.

Kyoya looked down at him with sadness and determination in his eyes. He leaned down and kissed Kaoru on his forehead and Kaoru sniffled and buried his face in the older man's chest. He watched Kaoru with confusion before his expression turned into disbelief and fondness.

"Do you know why I never take my shirt off?" Kyoya asked in a soft whisper while closing his eyes. "You have never asked, but I know that you have wondered about it… you always respect boundaries without me having to explain them… I want to prove to you… ".

"I don't want you to do something you don't want just to make me stop crying. I want you to only do this if you are comfortable. Not to try to make me happy, to prove something".

Kaoru had no idea if Kyoya was just self-conscious about his body or had something else he was hiding. Maybe it was an overreaction from Kaoru to dramatically prevent him from taking his shirt off, but for him it didn't matter exactly why the doctor always wanted to keep a shirt on. He would never want to make Kyoya do things he really, really didn't want to do.

"You are so… so good", Kyoya said, having a hard time finding the words because this wasn't a situation he ever expected to be in. "You're never going to be more bad than you are good to me. You have no idea what you do to me, how important you are. How much I… Kaoru?"

Kaoru forced himself to look up at Kyoya again and was overwhelmed and scared by the fear in Kyoya's eyes. It made him subconsciously take a small step back and his heart started to beat faster. He wasn't sure this made him so uneasy but it didn't feel like the older male wasn't going to say something insignificant. No, the fear clearly implied to the contrary.

"Kaoru", Kyoya repeated again, sounding more sure but he still needed to clear his voice at the end. "I don't want to leave you, and I won't leave you… because… I-I love you".

Kaoru's eyes widened and it felt like his limbs were frozen. His body knew that Kyoya had said something shocking and very significant but it took his mind a few seconds to process the words and understand them. Even after realizing what he had heard, he was still a little in denial and couldn't quite believe that he hadn't misheard. Kyoya himself looked like a deer in the headlights like all of him hadn't fully agreed on Kaoru hearing that now. Seeing the look of shock and disbelief, but not disgust or malice, on Kaoru's face made him force himself to swallow down most of his worry and stand up straighter.

"And I will love you no matter what… I know you will make fun of me being sappy later, but I want you to know this anyway".

"No, you can't", Kaoru breathed out and shook his head so violently that his neck hurt. "Not me, you can't!"

He looked down at the ground again, not being able to see the intensity and affection in Kyoya's eyes anymore. He couldn't move and he was freaking out internally. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair for Kyoya to love him. If he did in fact love him that is. Maybe Kyoya didn't know himself or maybe he was just blatantly lying to stop Kaoru's hysteric outburst. Kaoru didn't know what to believe, didn't know how to feel. He only seemed freaked out by not being able to reciprocate the feeling or Kyoya not knowing what he was talking about… but how did he feel about the actual confession? It was difficult to tell because he wouldn't let himself pass his other thoughts.

Kyoya, seemingly noticing that his boyfriend wasn't moving anytime soon, decided to proceed with taking a risk and continued to unbutton his own shirt. His hands were shaking but he knew that he needed to do this. He trusted Kaoru more than he thought that he would ever be able to and even if it came a little rushed, he did indeed love him. It scared him, not because he had never confessed his love for someone before, but because he didn't know how Kaoru would react. Yes, being uncertain if it was too early or not was also a factor, albeit a small one, but Kaoru was still very young with no experience with romance or relationships. He didn't come from a loving home and had been through pain most of his life. Unstable people (or at least people with unstable lives) always responded differently to confessions of love, at least in Kyoya's experiences with past boyfriends and patients. For example, some people feel the need to run away or break off the relationship out of fear because the sudden stability becomes scary to them. It was currently difficult to read Kaoru, but Kyoya was pretty sure that Kaoru freaked out mostly because of doubt in the validity of his confession. The younger male needed more than words.

Kyoya let the shirt fall to the ground and stepped closer to Kaoru, gently grabbing his hands. He hesitantly placed the smaller hands on his sides. Kaoru froze at first but the confusion made him relax (because it brought him out of his thoughts and into the presence); it just felt like normal skin. Obviously, Kyoya wouldn't put his hands there if there wasn't a reason for it but he wasn't completely sure of what to do. He wanted to remove his hands and again tell Kyoya that he didn't have to do this, but this was something Kyoya seemed adamant about.

"Can I move my hands around?" Kaoru asked silently, his voice was strained.

Kyoya just nodded, Kaoru could feel the anxiety he emitted. The younger male let his hands wander across the doctor's chest and stomach. It was definitely the wrong time, but Kaoru did swoon a little because of how well sculptured he was. However, he was definitely not feeling where he was supposed to feel and his cheeks turned pink from realizing that he had just shamelessly felt Kyoya up. He didn't receive any reaction from the older male so he didn't dwell on his embarrassment too much. His hands immediately returned to Kyoya's sides and slowly started to glide towards his back. Kyoya tensed up more, which told him that he was finally on the right track. Kaoru's brows furrowed before his eyes widened in realization as his fingers touched something that didn't feel like normal skin; it was harder and raised. It didn't take long for Kaoru to realize what it was and he felt his heart sinking. He didn't know what to say; did he want to demand an explanation and ask for the people who hurt him? Did he want to say that it was alright until Kyoya might have believed it himself? Or did he want to burst out crying again? He didn't know what he wanted, nor did he know what he had to do. He kept feeling around Kyoya's back and he felt sicker and sicker as he encountered more and more raised areas. Kyoya, slightly misreading the disgust on Kaoru's face, started to panic and his breath became uneven and labored. Understanding that Kaoru was probably looking like he was disgusted with Kyoya, he removed his hands and quickly pulled his own shirt over his head and threw it on the ground. Now they were both standing there in front of each other; looking like equals with their own scars and their own stories. Kyoya looked more vulnerable than Kaoru had ever seen him and Kaoru looked stronger than Kyoya had ever seen him. For the first time it felt like Kyoya was the smaller one.

After a moment of staring at each other, Kyoya finally closed the gap and put his hands on Kaoru's shoulders, resting his forehead against Kaoru's with a quiet laugh coming from the back of his throat.

"Thank you", he said, almost sounding like he was about to cry. "Thank you for not turning away".

"I would never do that. You are still you… you don't regret this, do you?"

"Stop it. I made it clear that I wanted this. I trust you… do you believe that I love you now? … don't worry, you don't have to say it bad yet".

He added the last part when Kaoru started to shake again. Kaoru grabbed Kyoya's upper arms, but not hard enough to hurt him.

"Yet?" He repeated like he couldn't believe his ears. "How do you know that I can do that? Am I even capable of doing that?"

Kyoya frowned in confusion at his questions. He wasn't entirely sure what Kaoru was implying; one alternative was extremely hurtful and the other alternative was extremely worrisome. He wasn't sure which one was worse.

"Capable of loving me?" Kyoya asked, but it didn't sound like he really believed that. "Or capable of love at all? In general?"

"In general", Kaoru hurried to assure, not wanting Kyoya to have even the smallest suspicion that he was the problem. "Do you think I am capable of doing it, despite… d-despite?".

Still being rather sensitive from his last crying session, he felt warm tears starting to build up in his eyes once again; this was the part when he would convince Kyoya to take back his words. Kyoya gently cupped Kaoru's face and started to wipe away the tears with his thumbs; being careful not to get too close to the eyeballs.

"Despite what, Kaoru? What makes you think that you are unable to love?" Kyoya asked, trying to sound as understanding as possible but the sadness behind his words was clearly present, as well as a hint of something that could be considered anger towards anything or anyone who had made Kaoru believe a horrible thing like that.

"I have… I have never been loved? Especially not by family, isn't that required for me to ever be able to know what it is and how to feel it?"

The horrified look on Kyoya's face made Kaoru feel a little stupid for what he had said but he couldn't quite point out what he said wrong, even if saying that out loud did sound less convincing, even to himself. Kyoya started to look furious after he overcame the initial shock Kaoru's words had caused.

"Who has told you this nonsense?" He asked, fuming. "Whoever said that to you was either trying to deliberately hurt you or is legitimately an idiot. Yes, not experiencing a lot of love can make it harder to understand it or harder to take the love in a healthy way, but it doesn't make you devoid of love. Even if you needed to be loved in order to feel love, Hikaru loves you and I love you too. Or is it just parental love that counts?... I didn't have much of that either and that doesn't mean that I don't know what I feel for you right now".

Kyoya placed affectionate kisses on Kaoru's forehead, both his cheeks, on his eyelids (when he closed them because the look in Kyoya's eyes was too much), on the space between his brows before kissing him on the lips. Kaoru opened his glossy eyes again and stared right into Kyoya's.

"How do you know that you love somebody? Please tell me!" Kazuki begged desperately.

He was slowly crumbling down in Kyoya's arms. He didn't care if this sounded stupid to others, he needed to stop hurting so much over this before he gave himself a stress induced seizure or something in that direction. Kyoya thought for a few minutes, trying to find the correct words until he gave up and just said what came naturally to him.

"I know that I love you because of how your happiness and sadness are my happiness and sadness. I know that I love you because I am fully prepared to be here for the bad as well as the good. I know that I love you because I am still attracted to you even when you're sleeping with drool dripping down your chin-", Kyoya said and Kaoru blushed with a somewhat sheepish look on his face after the last thing he said. "I know that I love you because I want more than your body, because I'm not just okay with it, but also I want to grow so old with you, be with you when we are both ugly old men with no sex drive… I know that we can't have the same relationship we should have, but I want what I am allowed to have… It's difficult to explain".

Kaoru stared at him silently with wide eyes. Kyoya felt nervous and a little silly for how "cheesy" he sounded but he could see that his boyfriend didn't have a negative reaction to it. This was difficult to process. The older male didn't regret anything he told him, nor anything he had shown him. Taking off his shirt had been somewhat of a heat of the moment thing but he would never have done it if he didn't actually want to. In retrospect, it was unclear why he was so nervous about Kaoru of all people seeing him shirtless. The young redhead had his own scars, after all. Certain solidarity and relatability could have been established early on. At least more so than with any other partner. It was most likely the dreaded follow up questions that made him postpone this but, as the amazing person Kaoru was, he didn't ask anything yet. Always being so patient with Kyoya… deserving more than his insecurities.

"H-how do you know all this for s-sure?" An almost audible voice asked.

"I don't think you can know for sure", Kyoya confessed honestly. "Some people who felt intense love for each other at one point get a divorce then they reach older days. It's not about knowing, it's about feeling… if I am anywhere near as dear to you as your brother, then I would say that there is a good chance that you love me too".

Kaoru was dumbfounded and unable to come up with any words to say. Not wanting to risk stressing up Kaoru more, Kyoya once again assured:

"Like I said, you don't have to feel like you need to say it back. I understand that it's a little much… but I want you to know that you are fully capable of love… even if you would decide that you didn't love me, you would still be able to love someone else".

It wasn't that Kyoya necessarily doubted that Kaoru reciprocated strong feelings, but the odds were against him. People this young, more often than not, didn't partake in deep relationships. Usually the first part of their youth was used to finding themselves and finding what they actually want in relationships. No matter how mature Kaoru had been forced to become, he was still a boy and he might not have laid his strong feelings on Kyoya if he had options. As opposed to Kyoya, who had been through his choices and still felt strongest for Kaoru, Kaoru didn't know what was out there and couldn't know for sure if Kyoya was truly the one for him.

Kaoru closed his eyes and placed his hands on Kyoya's chest and Kyoya wrapped his arms around the smaller boy's waist. Suspecting that the conversation might be getting closer to the end from the lack of tears and continued silence, Kyoya smiled meekly at him and hugged him closer.

"I think I understand", Kaoru murmured against Kyoya's sternum before placing a kiss on the exposed skin; Kyoya inhaled sharply, but not in a bad way. "Th-Thank you… I think I'm… I think I'm… ".

"It's okay, it's okay. Calm down, you can take your time with whatever you need to say-".

"I th-think I must love you t-too", Kaoru finally managed to force out.

Kyoya's eyes widened and he put his hand under Kaoru's chin and made him look up at him.

"Even if I love hearing that from you, you really don't have to say it just because I did", Kyoya repeated even if he only wanted to cherish the confession; he wasn't sure that Kaoru understood this concept yet.

"When you explained why you love me... I know I feel the same way about you. I could relate to the 'bullet points' I mean. Plus… I have been so afraid, and so adamant that you should be with someone that deserves you, someone who can love you back… this need for you to choose what's best for you… it must mean that I feel something strong for you, right? Why else would I be convinced that you need to leave yet hate the thought of you gone?"

Kyoya didn't know what to say; what words could possibly express what needed to be said and what he wanted to be said? However, it seemed that Kaoru didn't misread the silence and instead smiled bashfully at him. The smaller male placed a small but sweet peck on Kyoya's cheek; he had to stand on his tippy toes, a sight that always looked adorable to the young doctor.

"I love you", Kaoru said, more secure in his words this time around with a coy smile on his face. "So much".

"You…", Kyoya breathed out while his eyes were fixated on Kaoru's face.

"My wonderful boyfriend", Kaoru praised while placing a few more kisses along Kyoya's jaw, making a few whimpers and sharp breaths erupted from the older male. "Always so good to me… so strong… So Handsome".

Kyoya's breath hitched at the last part. Kaoru smiled warmly at him before continuing:

"Can I touch you again?" He asked silently and Kyoya immediately nodded; knowing what he was talking about.

Despite getting his permission, Kaoru slowly and carefully placed his hands on Kyoya's upper back, right on some of the bigger scars. Kyoya searched Kaoru's face for any hint of disgust or discomfort but the younger male just kept staring at him with the same kindness and affection in his eyes.

The redhead finally stopped teasing. He stood up on his toes and pressed his lips against Kyoya's. Both closed their eyes and Kyoya leaned down so Kaoru could stand flat on his feet and not strain himself. Kyoya pushed his tongue into Kaoru's mouth and Kaoru let out a muffled moan. The smaller boy wrapped his arms around Kyoya's neck and Kyoya grabbed onto Kaoru's thighs. It only took a second for Kaoru to realize what Kyoya wanted, he jumped and wrapped his legs around Kyoya's waist with the taller man's help. The smaller male smiled into the kiss as Kyoya lifted him towards the bedroom and put him down on the bed as gently as he could. The young doctor didn't waste any time before lying down on top of Kaoru and kissing his eager lips until they were bruised.

The redhead's hands were going up and down Kyoya's back while the other man's hands were exploring his partner's exposed chest. There was something different this time around, it didn't feel like they were just having fun or trying to get each other off; there was a different kind of desperation or longing in the air. They just wanted to touch each other and show the other their feelings through their every skin-to-skin contact. Kaoru let out a breathy moan that made their lips disconnect for a second when Kyoya started to brush over his nipples before rubbing and flicking them to make the smaller male make more noises. He wanted to suck on his neck and leave hickeys but he knew that he couldn't. Instead, he disconnected from Kaoru's lips in order to place several light kisses on the exposed skin, earning small giggle-like laughs from him. Kaoru only let him do that for a few seconds before he grabbed Kyoya's face and forced their lips together again, letting his hands go down from Kyoya's back and down torso to his belt. He hesitated for a moment to make sure that it was okay before he proceeded with taking the belt off. The same hesitation was nowhere to be found when it was time to unzip and pull down his pants. Before he could go further, Kyoya started to grind his crotch into Kaoru's. Kaoru gasped against his lips and angled himself to the best of his ability so he would get the best friction. Both groaned unanimously as they continued to desperately grind against each other. Their make-out turned messy as they moaned because of the pleasure from the rutting.

After going at it like horny teenagers who couldn't even wait to get their clothes off, Kaoru managed to slip a hand down Kyoya's briefs and wrapped his fingers around his hard member. Kyoya's breath hitched as Kaoru started to move his hand up and down his shaft. Not wanting to be the only one feeling good, Kyoya returned the favor by pulling out Kaoru's own member and started to stroke him too. Skin against skin, heavy breaths and moans were the only things that could be heard in the small apartment. Kisses were sloppy and desperate, their movements quickened, their skin was warm and covered in sweat and their voices got louder. Kyoya was the first one to go, groaning loudly into Kaoru's neck. He stopped for a moment to catch his breath before lifting himself up enough to gain more room for movement as he continued to stroke the member in his hand, drawing long moans and whines of desperation out of the younger boy. Instead of going back to making out, the young doctor started to kiss alongside Kaoru's neck again and down to his chest where he first teasingly nibbled at the sensitive buds before starting to suck on one of them. Kaoru couldn't care less at that moment about the embarrassing sounds he emitted, especially not when his orgasm sneaked upon him and he grasped onto Kyoya as he finished.

Kyoya lied down next to him and for a few minutes, they didn't say anything but breathed heavily with rapidly beating hearts. They really needed to clean up but they couldn't bring themselves to it right now. In fact, they couldn't even gain the motivation to leave the bed, but they couldn't wait much longer before touching each other again. The two out-of-breath men scooted closer to each other and embraced each other with Kyoya caressing Kaoru's cheek lovingly.

"I guess we were too eager for you to take me like I promised", Kaoru joked with a chuckle.

"Are you disappointed?" Kyoya teased. "Because I'm not".

"I'm not either", Kaoru quickly assured. "It takes a long time to prepare and, like I said, we were too eager for that, and I really liked it".

"I really liked it too", Kyoya agreed and pecked Kaoru's swollen lips.

Kaoru grinned in return while he lazily let his hand trace over Kyoya's exposed chest. Seeing his boyfriend shirtless made him happier than he had expected to be; him not having enough that hinted at the serious reasons behind the choice to not take his shirt off around him previously. He hadn't looked straight at the older male's back yet but could tell just by touch that something horrible had happened to him. Kaoru had his guesses about what could have occurred but he would remain silent on the issue for now. Kyoya would most likely tell him in the future when he was more comfortable, plus this was already a pretty big step (even if Kaoru wasn't completely sure that this happened because Kyoya was 100 percent ready).

"Thank you", Kyoya breathed out and the widening of his eyes told Kaoru that he hadn't meant to say that.

"Thank you for what?" Kaoru asked while continuing to caress Kyoya's torso. "I don't see anything you should thank me for… or did you actually really need a pec massage?" He teased and Kyoya laughed.

"No, but it does feel nice… it's stupid really, but I guess I was thanking you for not freaking out with… you know".

Kyoya looked uncharacteristically bashful as he avoided Kaoru's eyes. Kaoru stopped feeling him up and put his hand on Kyoya's cheek to make him look at him again.

"That's really nothing to thank me for. Especially when me freaking out would have made me a huge hypocrite", Kaoru reminded Kyoya and Kyoya subconsciously glanced briefly at the scars on Kaoru's right shoulder. "Don't worry about my feelings about this… you are still a panty dropper to me", he assured and Kyoya snorted with a smile on his face.

"I will try not to think about it too much, you are helping a lot already… we really need to clean up now, this is disgusting".

"Mm", Kaoru agreed while staring at the semen puddle between them with aversion. "I need to handwash my pants as well to get rid of the stains".

"You can do it in my sink".

With that, they fell into a comfortable silence as Kyoya changed the covers on the bed and Kaoru desperately scrubbed away the stains on his underwear and shorts. Afterward, they took their first shower together. It wasn't sexual in any way, they only exchanged a few kisses while mostly washing themselves (and each other). The whole situation was pleasantly domestic. Kaoru got a few glimpses of the thick scars across Kyoya's back but he forced himself to appear as unbothered and nonchalant as he could. He didn't want to risk making Kyoya feel uncomfortable or pitied even if the sight simultaneously worried and horrified him. It made him wonder: was this how Kyoya felt when he looked at Kaoru? Yes, Kaoru had been made aware of the fact that his boyfriend didn't like the scars and he had shown concerns in the past (partly because he did suspect him of putting them there himself), but Kaoru hadn't been able to understand things from the older man's point of view. He had even started to think that Kyoya probably didn't see them as something bothersome anymore because such a thing had to be normalized sometimes. But maybe Kyoya was just more silent about it because he knew that bringing them up wouldn't do any good? They were there, they wouldn't disappear, they would increase in numbers and that's just life.

"You know when you said that we were too eager before?" Kyoya asked as he looked at Kaoru's naked form resting on the bed as Kyoya looked for clothes for him to borrow.

His shirt was back on pretty quickly after the shower. Kaoru was understanding enough to see that Kyoya probably wasn't comfortable with being without a shirt for too long yet. That was fine, they had time to get there.

"Yeah? What about it?" Kaoru inquired leisurely while not so innocently stretching his legs under Kyoya's successively hungrier gaze.

"Are you too tired? Kyoya asked with dark eyes as he closed the wardrobe and turned to face Kaoru fully. "Because we can take it a little slower this time".

"Does this mean that you won't give me any pajamas?" Kaoru teased while slowly spreading his legs.

"Doesn't look like you plan on getting dressed anyway", Kyoya remarked.

The legend says that Kaoru was still waiting for the PJs hours later.