Zero

by TheBordelineNonAlcoholicWriter

Many people were suddenly born with strange powers they have to pay a painful price for. Like humans do when something happens that they don't understand, they try to get rid of what they see as a threat... or use it to their advantage, and maybe that's even worse. What could be the next step in the evolution is used to further ta us back. (Updated description)

15. Chapter 15 Lost pieces

A/N: I might be projecting by adding the receptionist who can't spell names. One of my names is constantly mispronounced because its origin is from another country. Sometimes they really don't even try and just say whatever word comes to mind if they see two of the letters in my name. A medical professional made the worst attempt at saying my name. I can handle most people pronouncing it wrong but when it is a thing and not even a name anymore you feel a little disrespected. I feel like I'm also projecting my feelings about all the useless and condescending medical professionals I've met too even if I think I'm pretty mild in this story.

---

Chapter 15. Lost pieces.

Kaoru's recovery was perplexing to all. Not his physical recovery because his injuries were still healing at a normal and good pace, but his mental recovery. His memory appeared completely intact with seemingly no good explanation behind it. Some people even believed that Kaoru was lying about how much he remembered. Exactly how he could be lying about it was unclear. Kyoya had asked if there was a chance that mind types could recover their memories, especially a memory type like Kaoru. The answer he got didn't solve anything. Apparently, there were theories about if he could recover lost memories in certain cases or not but nothing suggested that he would have been able to do it on himself in that particular situation. To their understanding, his powers were only directed at other people's memories, not his own. In other words, they would have to collect every single person who had been around Kaoru for Kaoru to do a memory dive on them in order for him to be able to retrieve his memories. Not that it would be enough for full restoration. Kyoya wanted to just be content with the fact that his boyfriend's mind wasn't distorted but he knew he wouldn't be able to calm his nerves until some time had passed. His experiences had turned him into a pessimist.

Kyoya and Kaoru hadn't seen each other yet but Hikaru had reluctantly been working as a messenger owl so they could send letters to each other. The method left a little to be desired but Kyoya didn't know if he could make up a good enough excuse again to see him. The excuse he used last time wouldn't suffice again because the redhead didn't currently have any zero related injuries (to their knowledge). Also, their way of conversing wouldn't change much if they met considering that Kaoru's voice was still gone. But seeing each other would still have been nice.

Luckily after a few weeks, the doctors had started to test Kaoru's ability to talk. Hikaru had informed Kyoya that he had been able to say a couple of words with a voice that managed to sound scruffy and high-pitched at the same time. Like a hardcore smoker inhaling helium, had been Hikaru's helpful simile. Kyoya just hoped Kaoru wouldn't strain himself too much.

There was a knock on Kyoya's apartment door. Hikaru's bored and annoyed expression was what he was met with on the other side. Kyoya looked forward to being visited by the more pleasant twin again.

"Still the wrong one", Hikaru commented meanly and Kyoya wondered for a second if the younger male had been able to read his thoughts, but logic quickly intervened and told him that Hikaru was just taken the piss at him by reminding Kyoya that Hikaru was all he could get right now.

As you could imagine, Kyoya had to keep reminding himself that Hikaru was still walking back and forth between the boyfriends on injured feet to remind himself to be thankful for the younger male's services. But Hikaru was acting more hostile towards him nowadays like he had gone back to who he was earlier in Kyoya's and Kaoru's relationship. Or maybe not quite like that because Hikaru hadn't done anything insane. He was just unnecessarily rude.

"He sent you twice in a day? Kyoya asked as he let Hikaru in so no one would see him there.

"You think he is too needy for you or something?"

"What? No, I am worried that this could mean that you have terrible news… but your attitude says otherwise".

"My attitude?"

"What did he want to tell me? I know you don't want to stay here for longer than you need to".

"He is getting discharged tomorrow", Hikaru told him and had to fight a stupid smile from showing up on his face. "He was declared well enough to leave if he wanted to. His most severe injury is his broken arm and his voice but he doesn't have to stay there for those two things to get better. His other wounds are there of course but they mostly cause him just a little pain. They probably assume you will keep an eye on him unless things get really ugly again".

"So, he will return tomorrow?" Kyoya repeated excitedly, failing to hide that smile and Hikaru looked justifiably freaked out by his expression.

"What the hell is that?"

"It's a smile… ".

"You can't smile like that".

"I am glad for Kaoru".

"Okay, then stop! It's creeping me out!"

"Just keep talking and my smile will disappear… ".

"HaHa. But yes, he is returning to our room tomorrow".

"Just tell him to come over when he is feeling well enough. I have more of that tea he likes. Or maybe I can give him something with ginger for his throat".

"... Okay… ", Hikaru answered, clearly not content with Kyoya not reacting the way he had wanted to. "I'll leave then. I don't want to start smelling like you".

"Are you showering every time you get back? Like you made Kaoru do before?"

"Bye".

And with that Hikaru exited the room and Kyoya couldn't say that he wasn't happy to be left alone. Loneliness wasn't usually welcomed because nothing sufficed as a good enough distraction for his longing, but his boyfriend's overbearing and annoying brother was one of those rare exceptions. He tried to push the whole Hikaru thing aside so he could properly rejoice at the fact that Kaoru was healthy enough to sleep in his own (albeit uncomfortable) bed. Which would mean that the young zero was closer to being able to be with him. Kyoya knew he was going to be a true mother hen to him when he came over. Unapologetically.

---

"Are you really supposed to be the one to push me on a wheelchair, Hikaru?" Kaoru asked as soon as the two Boys exited the hospital area.

"Would you prefer someone else here?" Hikaru asked, a little sourly, clearly hinting at Kyoya.

"Maybe someone who isn't walking on broken toes… ".

"I'm fine. Don't worry about it. Are you tired?"

"I kind of think it should be the other way around with the wheelchair. I don't have anything broken in a place that would affect my walking".

"You wanna push me with one arm that is broken and one with a bullet wound?" Hikaru teased with a chuckle and Kaoru pouted.

"I still don't need the wheelchair".

"Look. If I had to use it when I was discharged then so do you, dear little brother".

"But you have broken toes!"

"And you were in a coma and we are already on our way back to our room. You can handle being stuck in the chair".

"I want to move around by myself though", Kaoru murmured. "I've been stuck in bed long enough".

"Walk around in our room later if you have ants in your pants. Now enjoy the free ride and rest your goddamn voice".

Kaoru decided not to keep up the banter over the wheelchair for the rest of the ride. If Hikaru truly wanted to do this for him then he had no real reason to take that away from him. Even if he would have preferred if the older twin did rest more.

Hikaru helping the two lovers communicate was something Kaoru was deeply appreciative of, but he felt guilty about making the recovery of his broken toes less optimal. Hikaru might not have cared about the condition of his toes but his twin surely did.

It was nice to communicate with each other again without anyone listening close by. Sure, they didn't currently talk about anything secret that needed to be kept from prying ears but it was freeing nonetheless. Kaoru was lucky that most of their conversations had to be carried out via a notepad in the hospital so he could send messages to Kyoya as well. Hikaru eventually made him destroy every paper he wrote on in case anyone went through the trash or stopped Hikaru on his way out with the messages to Kyoya. He argued that Kaoru could get in trouble and Kaoru didn't find it in himself to care enough to fight him on it even if he did think the older twin was being a little ridiculous. Hikaru knew Kaoru wouldn't be reprimanded for being with Kyoya after all. The whole staying secret thing was mostly to keep things socially civil (at least that's what Kaoru assumed). The doctors could judge the relationship and Kyoya's professionalism but nothing bad would actually happen.

"Almost there", Hikaru announced as they arrived at the Boys' area and Kaoru frowned.

"What?" He asked and Hikaru looked at him with a confused smile.

"Almost at our room?" He responded, unsure if it was that Kaoru had been referring to, even if he thought it was obvious.

"Oh, really? I didn't know we were going there", Kaoru said with a little laugh at his own expense but Hikaru stared at him like he had asked who he was.

"We talked about this literally minutes ago, Kaoru. You were discharged today. Where did you expect me to take you? To Kyoya?" Hikaru asked, sounding a little disgusted and betrayed at the end but Kaoru shook his head.

"I had missed that I was discharged. I assumed this was a walk".

"A walk? Kaoru, they made you sign papers and everything! I think I mentioned where we were going at least once on our way here. How can you say that you missed that you were discharged? … did they say that your memory could be a little off for some time or something?"

"I… I… ", Kaoru stuttered, looking very distressed before he closed his eyes, sighed and opened his eyes again. "Maybe? I don't remember. I think something like that could have been brought up".

"Is it something you know for sure or do you just assume in favor of making me feel better?"

"I was discharged, right?" Kaoru asked, annoyed, with a small eye roll. "They wouldn't have done that if I wasn't fine. If I have temporary memory issues then of course there is a chance that I would forget that they told me! Maybe it's not even memory issues, I might have just had a short circuit. That happens to the best of us. If you're genuinely worried then wheel me back again".

Hikaru hesitated for a moment while his stubborn twin waited for an answer before he continued to push Kaoru towards their room. Maybe it was out of sheer selfishness but Hikaru knew he couldn't sleep another night without Kaoru in the room and didn't think this moment of possible paranoia was enough to rush him back to the hospital again. It did make perfect sense that his memory would be affected and maybe his short time memory could be a little bad for some time. Hikaru could go and ask but decided that he didn't need to rush. Perhaps he could give himself a few days with Kaoru beforehand, both to keep Kaoru close for a little longer and to properly examine if this would be a recurring issue. If it happened more times then he could conveniently go and ask to risk having Kaoru admitted before the younger twin was ready to visit Kyoya. No, that wasn't evil in Hikaru's opinion because Kyoya would get to see him eventually. Obviously, he would still be an ass but he thought that Kyoya was an ass too.

Kaoru immediately beamed when they finally reached their destination. Instead of forcing the wheelchair inside Hikaru helped Kaoru out of it and over to the bed.

"God, this is so much less comfortable than the hospital bed but damn if it isn't nice to be back", Kaoru groaned when his head softly hit the pillow and Hikaru chuckled at his words.

"I agree that you do sleep like a king over there", he said, conveniently leaving out the part of him being unable to sleep while being locked up for "safety". "It's nice to have you back".

"I can imagine", Kaoru teased. "Kyoya must be so jealous of you right now".

"Oh, I bet".

"It's so much nicer now when you guys' relationship is a little more playful now. Even if you don't like each other", Kaoru added softly with a small and content smile.

"What do you mean?", Hikaru inquired while he sat down on his own bed.

"I like that the two most important people to me aren't spitting genuine venom at each other anymore", Kaoru explained and closed his eyes.

That made Hikaru feel like he was hit by guilt shaped like a solid brick right in his face. He didn't understand why Kaoru had gotten that impression but it hurt to think of what Kaoru would think if he knew of the bad things the older twin still thought of the young doctor.

"Maybe I'll let Kaoru go and see Kyoya before I report to the hospital after all", Hikaru internally decided.

"I guess I'm trying", Hikaru breathed out.

"And I appreciate that", Kaoru whispered back with his eyes still closed.

It didn't take long before he started to breathe in and out softly. Hikaru watched his brother's chest go up and down for a couple of minutes, mesmerized by the signs of life he saw before him.

"I'm gonna keep you safe, Kaoru. You're never gonna go somewhere where I can't follow".

---

Kaoru was beaming from ear to ear when Hikaru was taking him to Kyoya's place two days later. Hikaru wasn't sure he was accompanying him for the reason his brother gave him; fear of Kaoru falling over on the way. A paranoid part of him suspected that his twin had just forgotten the directions and didn't want to worry him like he had when he forgot that Hikaru would take him to their room a few days prior. He couldn't know that for sure though because Kaoru hadn't really had any unreasonable slip-ups since but something told him that Kaoru wouldn't have asked for help if he really didn't feel like he needed it. They were both stubborn and thought alike.

"Stop looking like you're going to pounce on him", Hikaru grumbled. "Speaking of the unspeakable, you know you should still not do anything too active".

"Unspeakable?" Kaoru chuckled. "It's called sex, Hikaru. And don't worry, that's the least I'll want to do right now. I don't really feel super pretty and energized right now".

"It's unspeakable when it comes to you and are you sure that he will be okay with it?"

"You don't have to be so prude and yes. Kyoya genuinely cares about my well-being. We have gone weeks without doing anything sexual before because I wasn't feeling well due to the treatment. Don't look at me like that, you started the conversation about my sex life".

"Doesn't mean that I like talking about it. Look I am not trying to act like your mother, I just want to make sure that you don't do something you shouldn't do yet for your own health", Hikaru said and Kaoru sighed.

"Yeah, I know. But I'm not stupid. I was shot and fell from at least one story. I want to get better first and I want my tea!"

Hikaru couldn't help but chuckle a little at him but the smile didn't reach his eyes. They kept walking for a few more minutes until they were finally at Kyoya's door. Kaoru knocked and Hikaru only waited until they heard the door starting to unlock before he started to march away. Kyoya only caught a fleeting glimpse of the older twin before he disappeared.

"Is he demanding to escort you now?" Kyoya asked with a quirked eyebrow and Kaoru shrugged with a way too innocent smile on his face.

Kyoya couldn't help himself from smiling as well at the sight of Kaoru being there and looking very alive. It dampened the mood somewhat to see all the obvious signs of injury but having him there was good enough. Kaoru beamed brighter and eagerly walked up closer to press his lips against Kyoya's. Kyoya returned the kiss just as enthusiastically and had barely enough awareness to carefully pull the smaller male inside and close the door before anyone noticed. The young doctor wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and held him tenderly through the kiss and the redhead whined at his inability to properly move his own arms and return the hug. Kyoya chuckled against his lips and pulled away so he could take a better look at him.

"I'm so relieved that you are alright. You have no idea how much you scared me", Kyoya said breathlessly and regretted his words when he saw the guilt on his lover's face.

"I'm sorry".

"Don't be. You were so brave, you did so good", Kyoya hurried to assure him despite not wanting to encourage Kaoru to put himself in similar danger again. "Does your voice hurt? I didn't think you were supposed to talk yet".

"Are you asking because I sound like a crow? It hurts a little, yeah".

"We don't need to talk much then. Go and sit down. I'll make you tea".

Kaoru excitedly took himself to the couch and Kyoya smiled at him for a moment before he went and did what he had promised. The redhead couldn't sit down right away like he usually did. He had to move a lot slower with his arms out of commission. Yes, the arm with the bullet wound wasn't useless but it was still painful to use it. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't stopped giving him medicine for the pain. He groaned in relief when he finally placed himself fully on the couch. It might not have been the most comfortable position but he was somewhat sitting down.

"Is Hikaru being a good nurse?" Kyoya asked while he was boiling water.

"A bit overbearing but very helpful".

"I can imagine that. I almost feared he would think it would be too dangerous to bring you here".

"Is that too out of the ordinary though?" Kaoru asked and Kyoya chuckled.

"I guess not".

Kyoya returned with Kaoru's beloved tea and placed it on the table in front of them before sitting down on the couch himself. They spent a couple of minutes trying to find a comfortable position that would allow them to cuddle but also make sure that Kaoru could drink without spilling. Which meant they had to sit upright for now with Kyoya's arms around him.

They sat there mostly in silence so Kaoru wouldn't strain his voice too much. Kyoya was embracing and caressing him lovingly while sometimes looking at him like he never thought he would have been able to hold him like this ever again.

After drinking up the tea with ginger, Kaoru could finally snuggle into his boyfriend more properly, pretty much lying on him while still making sure that his injuries weren't too bothering. Kyoya let his fingers gently trace the patched-up wound on Kaoru's cheek and Kaoru looked at him a little worried.

"Come on. If I cared about scars I wouldn't have been with you", Kyoya reminded him and carefully placed a kiss on the cheek.

Kaoru smiled a little embarrassed at his reaction. Of course, Kyoya wouldn't care and normally Kaoru wouldn't either but this was his first facial scar so he wondered a little bit what his boyfriend would think about it.

"You shouldn't care about my opinion either. It's your skin", Kyoya added almost like he could read Kaoru's thoughts. "I can worry but that's because I worry about your health and not your looks. I would prefer it if you stopped worrying about it as well like you usually do. Don't let me make you more insecure".

"I… I have been very stressed. I can't think clearly".

"You can be less stressed here. Do you want more tea?"

"Yes!"

Kyoya chuckled, reluctantly let go of Kaoru, took the cup, and left for the kitchen area. Kaoru suddenly felt very cold without his boyfriend's arms around him but didn't complain out loud. He still wanted that tea.

The young doctor returned shortly and Kaoru noted that the beverage smelled different than the last one, sweeter. He took a sip as soon as they were both placed on the couch close to each other again and his whole face lit up.

"Wow", he said and Kyoya gave him a funny look. "This is amazing".

"It is good to hear that getting shot didn't change your taste buds", Kyoya teased, but he still sounded a little confused and unsure. "You still like it as much as you did before".

Just like Kyoya had suspected from the other male's previous reaction; Kaoru looked a little puzzled over that statement.

"I have never had this before".

"It's gingerbread tea. I have definitely given it to you before. I already knew that you liked it", Kyoya reminded him and Kaoru looked like he was thinking very hard at first before his face relaxed out of realization.

"Ohhh now I remember. I looked forward to this one when Hikaru passed along your promise of tea and I'm not sure he didn't think it was a dirty euphemism. I can't recall if I corrected him or not".

"O,h I can imagine that you wouldn't", Kyoya retorted jokingly and Kaoru laughed mischievously.

Kyoya decided not to press the matter about Kaoru forgetting about the tea. It really wasn't that serious. The teenager probably forgot a few small things because of the stress. That was completely normal. Kaoru turned to look at him with a sweet smile and kissed him on the cheek.

"I do remember that I love you though. Thank you for making things easier for me".

"I barely remember that I love you too", Kyoya teased and Kaoru poked his tongue out and mumbled that he was lucky that his arm was broken. "We both know you weren't the one with power before your arm broke", he almost growled quietly in Kaoru's ear and Kaoru shivered.

"I… I'm still gonna be bed-bound thanks to you when I'm all healed up, aren't I?"

"Indeed", Kyoya said evilly.

---

Overall, things were a little too boring for Kaoru's liking. He was benched due to his injuries and even when he was able to do things he liked like drawing it wasn't enough to cure his lack of excitement and feelings of being inadequate for not being able to work. The only thing that was worse than boredom was the sense of uselessness. He felt that he should have been able to do something, that he shouldn't be prohibited from memory dive missions. At least not from all of them. Something that really didn't help his situation was that his memory wasn't working completely as it should have. He acted unbothered as to not alert anyone but it was starting to worry him. Several times a day he would forget where he was going or what he had planned on doing. Kaoru also forgot a couple of facts here and there but the memories returned (usually) when he was reminded. It didn't feel like this was supposed to happen. Therefore he was currently on his way to the hospital to ask about it. He really didn't want to but he also really didn't want this boring and useless existence to continue for longer than it needed just because the doctors missed something.

"I want to meet a doctor", Kaoru told the receptionist. "I'm Kaoru".

"Ehm, what doctor?" The receptionist asked with a loud yawn and Kaoru remembered how early in the morning it actually was.

"I don't know, anyone who has worked with me before, preferably. I am the zero who tagged along on that mission not long ago, was accused of being a spy or something, got tortured, and was in a very short coma of some sort".

"Ah… what's your name again?"

"Kaoru".

The receptionist appeared to have an "oh fuck" look on his face when Kaoru repeated his name. At first, it made him panic because he thought that the guy was freaking out because of something serious but it disappeared when he realized that the guy's reaction didn't quite add up. After seeing the guy attempt to write something and then delete it a couple of times it dawned on Kaoru that the guy might not know how to spell his name. It wouldn't have been a big deal if Kaoru could have used his social security number but they apparently didn't think it was necessary with such a small amount of people. Not that Kaoru knew his social security number anyway.

"K - a-".

"A doctor will be here shortly", the receptionist brusquely interrupted with a fake polite smile, presumably to hide the irritation at being helped. "You can sit down and wait", he added, ignoring the frown on Kaoru's face.

"Alright, thanks", he said a little unsurely. "Is it a doctor that worked with me when I was here last time?"

"You'll get an available doctor. Please sit down and wait".

Realizing that continuing the conversation would just further agitate the receptionist, Kaoru reluctantly thanked him and seated himself as far away from him as possible. He didn't think the hospital staff was busy enough for him to just get whatever doctor was available like the receptionist made it sound like. The man probably didn't even know which doctors were involved with Kaoru's case because he couldn't look the redhead up in the database if he couldn't spell his name. Why he couldn't just ask or let Kaoru finish spelling it out was beyond him.

A doctor, Kaoru sadly couldn't recognize, walked out into the waiting room and called for him. The young zero smiled politely at the doctor and stood up before walking over to him. They exchanged greetings and Kaoru learned that the doctor's name was Geoff Figueredo. So far the man seemed amicable but didn't show any signs of knowing Kaoru more than from the rumors. Great. Kaoru followed doctor Figueredo to an available office so they could talk.

"So, Kaoru. You wanted to talk about something. If there is an issue with your injuries you know you could just have gone to your personal doctor".

"My injuries are fine", Kaoru assured. "It is actually something else I want to discuss. I've noted that my memory is worse since I woke up after being unconscious. I've heard that my memory was supposed to be affected and I've definitely noticed that it is now".

"From what I've read from your file you were cleared", Figueredo stated and Kaoru highly doubted that the doctor could have had enough time to properly go through his things right before coming to get him.

"I know that but don't you guys tell your patients to report if something changes? My memory was fine when I was here but I've started to forget things. Not just older things but freshly new things as well. It took me three tries to get here because I kept forgetting that I was on my way to the hospital. The anxiety about my memory loss was what kept reminding me that I wanted to go and look it up".

Figueredo looked quite unbothered and Kaoru didn't know if he should have been annoyed or relieved. It felt a little invalidating towards his feelings but the man was a doctor and if he didn't freak out then maybe Kaoru wasn't supposed to freak out either?

"Did these bouts of memory loss start after you were discharged? After the mission? And you are sure about it?"

"Yes, this didn't happen prior to that", Kaoru confirmed, a little annoyed at being made to repeat himself. "And I'm sure that my memory is worse than before. I think this is something that could be related to my zero status".

"Why do you think that?" The doctor asked and Kaoru finally noticed that he looked quite tired plus a tiny bit agitated and disheveled like Kaoru had forced him up from bed.

"I… I believe they mentioned that. I'm a memory type. I believe it says so in my file?"

"Yeah… Yeah, that's correct. I apologize I didn't sleep well".

That was usually the code word for "my colleague had a birthday party yesterday". Not wanting to get an opinion from someone who was barely awake, Kaoru suggested that the doctor should go and get a cup of coffee or that Kaoru would come back later.

"You'll just keep being worried if we postpone this meeting, but a coffee sounds nice. If that's really alright with you".

"Yeah, I can wait", Kaoru assured and Figueredo almost flew out of the room.

This had been without a doubt the weirdest and least professional doctor's appointment he has had so far. But he was a little biased, otherwise, the trophy would have gone to the doctor who had literally slept with him. The most professional person wasn't necessarily what he wanted but he wanted someone who knew what they were doing at least.

Figueredo returned with a steaming cup of coffee and settled down on his chair again. Kaoru gave him time to wait until it wasn't too hot so he was able to drink a little before he started to talk again.

"So, what is your conclusion about my memory problems?"

Kaoru was tempted to repeat everything he had said but he didn't want to risk coming off as condescending and insulting him the way he had insulted the receptionist.

"I don't think you need to worry about it. We could evaluate you for possible trauma if it stays".

"Trauma?"

"Yes. Psychological trauma can affect your memory".

"Isn't that something that happens later? And I don't think I'm traumatized by what happened".

"Most people who have been through trauma don't think they have it bad", Figueredo chuckled, looking a little more awake. "Signs appear differently for different people. It's especially unpredictable for mind types. You can have very early signs that appear long before you even realize that what you have been through affected you a lot more than you thought".

Okay, now the guy sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Even if Kaoru wasn't completely sure if he trusted his judgment, it was nice that he finally seemed to realize what Kaoru was trying to tell him.

"So, you think I'm having trauma signs without the actual trauma?"

"I take it you are trying to ask if you have signs of something that hasn't appeared yet".

"I don't have any trauma. I never really think about the mission in that sense. Yes, I don't like what happened to me but what I saw but it's not 'haunting' me in a way that ruins my day".

"It's normal to be in denial, especially when your body plays with you way before your mind does. Maybe it isn't even this mission specifically, that could just have been the boiling point. I mean, haven't you been attacked several times before? You probably didn't have a good connection to your parents? Maybe it's not you specifically who are traumatized, or at least not in a human sense. Your body works the same but is also vastly different from that of a non zero. Maybe your mind isn't taking a toll the way you would think it would? Even if you don't think you are traumatized, can you at least accept that?" He said and Kaoru hesitated before reluctantly and unsurely nodding because he was starting to understand the doctor's point but his worry was still at large. "I understand that you have your concerns. This is most likely going to be temporary. If it doesn't go away then we will treat it. Look, I'm not worried. It's scary, yes, but I honestly believe if it's not trauma, that it's just your powers being a little confused. That can happen. Give it more time".

"Alright, alright", Kaoru relented, he didn't quite understand everything but he did get the point that he was supposed to leave and come back if things continued on. "Thank you for your time".

After assuring Figueredo that he could find the way out himself, they told each other goodbye and Kaoru left. He wasn't 100 percent pleased with the outcome because it didn't feel like he had been heard properly but he tried to reason with himself. Just because he didn't like what he was given, it didn't mean that he wasn't given the right thing. Maybe it really wasn't anything to worry about and he had been ridiculously overreacting? In fact, Figueredo's calmness made him doubt himself a bit. Was his memory really that bad? Was it really much worse than before? Like the doctor had tried to push into his head, he should probably wait and see and not worry too much for now. Just like Kaoru usually liked it… like he still likes it.

Kaoru decided to go to the common room. He had the paper Kyoya had given him, knowing that no one would notice the difference. It felt like a good idea now, him bringing the paper so he wouldn't have to return to the twins' room and possibly be talked out of leaving by Hikaru, but initially, it had been quite the pain in the ass. The reason why was that when he forgot where he was going previously the paper made him think he was on his way to the common room. God, he couldn't wait until his memory sorted itself out.

After sitting down and trying to draw for a while he noticed someone settling down silently next to him. He only really had two friends and none of them could be considered the quiet type… at least Hikaru didn't used to be but the guy would still complain about Kaoru not returning to their room so it couldn't be him. Kaoru looked up and a very downtrodden Duncan smiled weakly at him.

"Hi?" Kaoru greeted and Duncan's smile turned brighter like he had just received confirmation that they could still be friends.

"Hi, there. I'm glad to see that you are okay".

"Yeah things got a little hectic there. I hope I didn't scare you".

"Nah, I knew you would make it. You are my strong boy", Duncan said and Kaoru chuckled and gave him a look that suggested that he knew he was bullshitting. "Okay, I was a little scared but I still knew that you would make it… maybe not without a little bit of brain damage but make it nonetheless ".

"Yeah, I had a lot of luck. It's a wonder that I'm only getting away with a few scars… not that I didn't have scars before".

"You're still beautiful".

"Thanks, man".

"So… Hikaru isn't coming anytime soon, right?"

Duncan tried to sound like he was just making small talk but Kaoru could sense the hint of uneasiness in his voice and body language.

"Has Hikaru been mean toward you?" Kaoru bluntly asked. "Did he do something?"

"No! No, he isn't mean, he… he glares at me a lot. I don't think he wants me near".

"He is… he is going through a rough patch. I am nowhere justifying his behavior but almost losing me is taking a toll on him", Kaoru said, not sure if defending Hikaru right now was the correct thing to do or not.

Kaoru wouldn't quite recall if he had called Hikaru out enough lately. Maybe he hadn't because he had been too preoccupied with his own issues. He would have to do that later, tell Hikaru off for being unnecessarily rude and hostile.

"He has never liked me", Duncan stated sadly and looked down at the table. "But yeah, he is less friendly now. Can you please tell him that I'm not trying to take you away from him? Maybe your booty but not the whole you… for more than a night?"

"Okay, I get it. I can try to assure him while leaving out certain parts of what you said of course, but I'm not sure how much that would help", Kaoru said with a disapproving look that got him a laugh in return.

The redhead wondered how Kyoya would react if he saw Duncan talk like that to him. Maybe a jealous Kyoya could be fun but Kaoru still hoped that scenario would never happen. At least not again as it had kind of happened once before but no romantic relationships were formed at all at that time. It could mess with Kyoya even if Kaoru clearly never reciprocated anything. Besides, he wouldn't want to risk Kyoya feeling like he needed to confront Duncan in a similar way he did with the General.

"He wouldn't appreciate someone wanting to give his brother a good night?"

"No, he really wouldn't. Especially when I'm injured. Not that I would accept the offer even if he showered me with condoms and sent me on my merry way".

Duncan looked up at Kaoru again with a funny look and Kaoru was confused; he didn't think he said something rude or weird.

"Sometimes I'm not sure if you play hard to get or not", he mumbled, to puzzle Kaoru even more than before.

"What are you talking about?"

Duncan looked genuinely surprised that Kaoru had heard him. Maybe what he said wasn't meant to be more than a thought? It didn't matter, he had overstepped a line either way.

"No, nothing!" Duncan responded hurriedly with a fake smile.

"You think I'm playing hard to get? I'm sorry if I seemed interested in the beginning but I think I've been pretty straightforward with you since… ".

"No, no, I didn't say that".

"Are you trying to tell me that you didn't just say out loud that you're not sure if I'm playing hard to get or not?" Kaoru pushed. "Or are you claiming that my hearing is damaged too?"

"No! It's nothing, just ignore it", Duncan responded, half desperate and half annoyed at Kaoru's persistence. There was also a hint that he was embarrassed by the slip-up. "Just a stupid joke".

"So, you don't actually believe it?" Kaoru asked in disbelief, not believing this was the appropriate reaction to being called out for a "joke".

"No! I don't see why you are making a big deal out of this. Is Hikaru behind this? Are you starting to dislike me too?"

Kaoru stared blankly at him and blinked a couple of times before he asked: "What do you mean?"

"I wonder if he is influencing you to not like me. I don't want to badmouth the guy but he really does not like me. I swear I'm not whatever he makes me out to be".

"What do you mean?" Kaoru repeated without an ounce of the anger that was present previously and Duncan started to become quite confused as well. "Did Hikaru do something?"

"Ehm… he is a little hostile towards me as you know".

"Alright I'll definitely talk to him about it. Sorry, he isn't taking me almost dying well".

"... Yeah… ?"

Duncan was stunned. Kaoru had already said that before… What was going on? Was Kaoru just trying to smooth things over or was Duncan going mad?

"Are you alright?" Kaoru inquired with a sympathetic but analyzing look. "Is it really hurting you?"

"Hm? You mean Hikaru? It's more that I don't want him to push me away from you. I really like talking to you, you know… do you know what really would make me feel better?"

"Duncan, I'm not letting you touch my ass. That perfection needs to remain untouched", Kaoru joked before turning a little more serious.

"No, don't worry", Duncan chuckled. "Even if your perky bottom would be the perfect stress ball… I actually… Can I get a hug? I just... I haven't gotten one in a while and I think that would help?"

"Why do you sound so unsure?"

"Pweease?"

"Alright", Kaoru relented with fake annoyance on his face. "But you have to make the move and I don't know how well I'll be able to hug you back… also, no hands below the waist".

"That's fine", Duncan said with a grin and leaned in closer to carefully wrap his arms around Kaoru and pull him closer.

Even though it was nice to hold Kaoru and have his little mishap swept under the rug, Duncan could tell that something was off. He didn't believe that something was wrong with himself, no, Kaoru must have forgotten about a part of their conversation. When he was digging into his memory he thought that he had heard that memory loss was expected to be a problem occurring within Kaoru but he didn't remember how bad it was supposed to be or how long it would stay… he remembered pretty much nothing about it, to be honest. So maybe this was supposed to happen? Should he then even tell Kaoru every time this happened? Wouldn't that just make the shorter male sad? If it was inevitable then maybe he should just be quiet about it. Also, it had been a good thing for Duncan right now.

"I hope the hug helped", Kaoru commented with a chuckle when they were done embracing.

"It was okay", Duncan teased despite the fact that his skin was still tingling from the touch. "But a hug always helps, especially from pretty boys. So thanks… So, what are you drawing?"

"Huh?" Said Kaoru confused before he looked down at his paper and a sour look overtook his face at the realization that he had forgotten something again.

Initially, Duncan feared that this would bring back the other memory and make the situation worse but Kaoru appeared to show no signs of that happening.

"Another dress?" Duncan teased when he took a look at the drawing.

"Uhm, yeah", Kaoru mumbled before a smile returned to his face. "Like usual".

---

Kaoru continued like this for a few weeks. During the first days after the doctor's appointment, he could convince himself most of the time to keep being positive and that things weren't as bad as he felt. However, his memory loss was really taking a toll on him. Yes, he knew that this wasn't something to be worried about yet but that didn't mean that it wasn't psychologically draining him. It didn't get better and he could tell that the others noticed as well… at least he thought they did but he couldn't really trust his own memories, could he?

Anyway, he still tried to spend more time by himself so he wouldn't worry anyone. Which wasn't an easy feat because he still needed a lot of assistance and had people who wanted to spend as much of their time with their almost deceased as possible. Currently, Kaoru managed to be alone when he was walking around the base, which was nice… until he realized he had no idea where he was even going. He stopped walking and tried to search in his memories for where he was actually supposed to be. Was this actually a walk to clear his mind and be by himself? Or was he on his way back to his room or to Kyoya?

"Why can't this stop happening? I guess I'll just go back to my room. Hikaru is not gonna be very helpful if I was indeed supposed to go to Kyoya but I could at least try to ask him. Being in the room with someone is also better than wandering around in confusion".

With that decided, he turned around to quickly walk to his destination before he would forget again. Only to halt and chuckle at his own stupidness before turning to walk in another direction. After doing that a few more times he came to the horrifying conclusion that he couldn't remember where the Boys' area was. He quickly decided to go to Kyoya instead amidst his freak out, believing that his boyfriend could help him, but he couldn't remember the way to him either. His whole body froze and he started to hyperventilate. He knew that all kinds of places existed on the base but he couldn't figure out the way to any of them.

Kaoru forced himself to move and he walked around, shaking with tears threatening to fall, as he searched for anything or anyone that could give him directions. Shame and the fight to prevent himself from crying out of fear kept him from yelling for anyone to come and help him.

"Keep yourself together! It's not that bad! It's really not that bad! It's not… ".

The injured zero burst out crying when he realized that he was completely lost. Maybe he would have taken this better if he hadn't been torn down by his horrible memory so many times until now. Kaoru leaned against a wall before slowly gliding down it until he was on the dirty floor as sobs shook his body. He just wanted his brother or his boyfriend. He wanted someone to sort out the clusterfuck in his head.

"Kaoru?" Someone said after he didn't know how long and he looked up through teary vision to see Morinozuka standing over him, looking very astonished. "What happened? Are you hurt?"

Kaoru made a few attempts to say something but his sobs and new wave of memory loss made him unable to properly tell him what was going on, but he did shake his head because he didn't feel in pain physically. Morinozuka didn't look too relieved by that considering that he was no step closer to discovering what was wrong with Kaoru.

"Kaoru", Morinozuka breathed out and knelt down so he was closer to the shorter male's level. "You need to tell me what's happening so I can help you… did you and Hikaru get into a fight and you want me to leave you alone?"

Kaoru shook his head even more violently and desperately grabbed onto the tall man to try to convey his emotions when he was unable to say them. Morinozuka looked much more concerned now while trying to make Kaoru be careful with his arm injuries.

"Do you want me to take you somewhere?" Morinozuka continued with trying to coerce Kaoru into at least throwing him a bone. "Can you stand up?"

"K-Kyoya… doctor… ", Kaoru forced out, not knowing if he wanted to be taken to his soothing partner or to medical professionals and he (hopefully temporarily because of the distress) forgot that Kyoya was in fact also a doctor.

Luckily, his savior didn't forget that and assured him that he would contact Kaoru's personal doctor if he just gave him a minute on his phone. Kaoru kept weeping as Morinozuka stood up and backed away a little so he could go and do just that without Kaoru's voice interrupting. He couldn't recall exactly why he was like this but he couldn't tell where he was either so he guessed he was crying because of his memory.

"Kyoya can see you now", Morinozuka told Kaoru after a while and came closer again. "I'm going to help you up now so we can go to him. Is that okay?"

Kaoru nodded and the taller male gently grabbed him and helped him stand up while being careful not to disrupt his wounds or broken arm. Morinozuka kept his arms on him as he carefully led the redhead away from there, who hid his face out of embarrassment every time someone passed by.

Morinozuka stopped walking when they were in what looked like a small doctor's office next to several other doctor's offices. Kaoru finally looked up, still crying but not as much, and looked into the concerned eyes of Kyoya Ootori.

"Thank you, Morinozuka, I'll take over from here. Can you inform his brother of his whereabouts?" Kyoya asked Morinozuka while trying not to sound more concerned than a doctor should.

The doctor received a short nod in response before the giant man let go of the distressed teenager and left. Kyoya watched silently how the man disappeared before hurrying over to Kaoru and embracing him. He led the younger male towards the examination table and made sure that both sat on it comfortably before he started to try to soothe Kaoru by holding, caressing and whispering calming things into his ear. Obviously, he desperately wanted to know what was wrong but Morinozuka couldn't understand Kaoru when he was like this so Kyoya surely wouldn't be able to get anything out of him now either.

Kaoru eventually calmed down enough to a point where he was just breathing heavily and Kyoya decided to finally try to get his questions answered.

"What happened? Morinozuka said that someone heard you crying and called for him. You were on the ground, were you hurt?"

"N-no-o… di-did not f-f… did not f-fall".

"Are your injuries hurting?"

"No… I c-can't remember", Kaoru whined and tears started to fall again while Kyoya told him it was okay to cry and dried his face.

"You can't remember why you were crying?"

"I can't remember anything!" Kaoru sobbed and Kyoya flinched. "Th-they said this was n-normal but I-I can't remember what I was supposed to d-do or h-how to get here", he added with some struggle and the alarm bells went off in Kyoya's head.

"What do you mean?" He asked with wide eyes and the beginning of a familiar sense of panic threatened to break through. "How much have you forgotten? … you know who I am, r-right?"

Kaoru quickly nodded and Kyoya felt one of the many panic-filled balloons within him deflate. He continued:

"So, have you forgotten the way here? Is it to other places as well?"

Kaoru nodded again, slower and with a little more shame on his face. Kyoya bit his lip nervously.

"B-but it's normal!" Kaoru hurried to add. "I asked them!"

"Please don't tell me you have started to hear voices in your head too", Kyoya almost begged with a voice full of dread.

"No! A doctor! I-I don't remember who it was but I was told that th-this was normal".

"When? I thought you were cleared and weren't supposed to have memory issues".

"N-not long ago", Kaoru responded, unable to pinpoint the exact date. "But I did go and ask about my problems with my memory. They confirmed this was normal but that I should return if it persisted".

It was a lot easier for Kaoru to talk now. His explanation visibly calmed Kyoya down but the older male was still understandably concerned. He knew better than anyone that doctors could make mistakes, especially in cases when they couldn't have all the information they needed because of the lack of research behind this type of zero.

"You really don't remember which doctor? Was it a male? Does the name Matthews ring a bell? He was the doctor, at least one of them, who worked on you".

"I really, really don't remember, but now when you mention it I believe it might have been a dude".

"Then there is a chance that it was Matthews. He should know what's best for you. However, this doesn't sound good. You not remembering directions to places you have been to most of your life is not a good sign".

"My memory can still return. You don't need to worry".

"I disagree. Do all your memories return?"

"Eh… ".

"Yes, I definitely need to keep worrying".

"Most of them do!"

"How can you possibly know that?"

"I… ", Kaoru started to say but realized that he really couldn't. "Kyoya… ", he said instead, pleading.

"I won't report this right away but I need proof that your memories will return", Kyoya said firmly. "If you can't find your way around in the future then I have to report it. This isn't something minor, Kaoru. What if you forget something even bigger? What if you start to forget people? If things only get worse then I don't feel comfortable letting you be by yourself".

"I… I know", Kaoru sighed sadly and Kyoya squeezed his shoulder with the arm that was still wrapped around the smaller male. "I just… I need a break, a pause from all this shit. I don't want to worry people, but I also don't want this to be another horrible thing".

"So, you act like it can't be? I understand, I have seen signs of your memory loss as well and I didn't want to believe that something was wrong. But if something is wrong then we can't ignore it. Maybe it will be unfixable if we wait too long until we give you the help that you need. I am not claiming that the doctor you spoke with has no clue what he is talking about, but I don't know if he misunderstood you or didn't have the correct information about how your zero type actually functions. I know how badly you want this to be nothing but you need to work under the assumption that no one knows anything for sure".

Kaoru chewed on his lips and he looked at the floor with his shoulders slumped. Kyoya caressed his shoulder and kissed him on the forehead to silently comfort him and also show that he wasn't angry with him.

"Give me a few days", Kaoru finally said after a moment of silence. "If things aren't starting to return then you can take me to the hospital".

"You won't be alone until your memories return for good either", Kyoya stated firmly, leaving no room for arguing. "Hikaru will accompany you wherever you go. I also expect you to inform him of the real reason as to why he has to come with. He would not appreciate it if I would be the one to tell him. You need to get all the help you can get without medical interference. I don't want you to be lost again".

Kaoru nodded silently, knowing that his boyfriend was right. Kyoya offered to get him water and he accepted, knowing the dehydration caused by his bouts of crying would make him rather lightheaded if he tried to stand up now. He eagerly drank the water, almost choking in the process. Kyoya chuckled slightly at his messiness and threw the paper cup into the bin when Kaoru was finished.

"Do you want to go back to your room?" Kyoya asked even if that wasn't the place he had wanted to suggest. "I'll come with you so you won't get lost again. I can come up with an excuse if anyone asks".

"... Hikaru knows that I'm here, right?"

"Morinozuka did confirm that he was going to inform Hikaru of your whereabouts".

"Can I come with you instead?" Kaoru asked, hopeful, in Japanese.

"I would like that", Kyoya responded honestly, also switching to Japanese. "But he only knows that you're meeting me as my patient. He'll be worried if you don't turn up. He might think you're in serious trouble… which you might be for all we know but you aren't in a hospital bed or anything like that. It's for the best if you go back and put his concerns to rest. You could come over later if you feel up to it and can convince Hikaru to come with you to make sure that you actually get there".

"But how am I supposed to convince him to do that when I also have to tell him what happened?"

"I don't know but I won't take it personally if you don't show up. If he never wants to help you I will come up with a way, but I believe he would prefer you coming to me than being lost".

"Yeah… probably… I want to be with you now… ".

"Then hopefully Hikaru will cooperate, but he will probably be even more worried now than before and I can't blame him".

"Mmh".

They didn't chat much more than that and soon left for Kaoru's room. Kaoru tried his best to search in his memory if anything they walked past was familiar, but everything was just blank. The people they stumbled upon, that Kyoya had to lie to about making sure that Kaoru wouldn't pass out, looked recognizable at least even if Kaoru hadn't spoken to any of them ever. That at least was a little relieving.

"Is it okay if I leave you here?" Kyoya asked when they stopped at the entrance to the Boys' area. "I think it might look weird if I go with you any longer".

"Mm, I'll be fine".

"I'll stay here and wait for a few minutes. Just in case you forget where you are supposed to go so I can send you back in again if I have to", Kyoya assured and Kaoru chuckled.

After fighting against the urge to kiss him goodbye, Kaoru started to half run through the corridor so he wouldn't risk forgetting more before he got to his room.

"Kaoru", Hikaru said from his position leaning against the wall inside of their room.

Kaoru assumed from the way that he was breathing that he was pretending like he was completely composed and had not been doing something before he arrived. The younger twin just hoped that his brother hadn't been careless enough for that particular thing to be getting off because that's something he didn't want to risk seeing (contrary to "popular" belief).

"Hikaru", Kaoru responded just as awkwardly.

"What happened? Why did you have to visit Kyoya? … I mean as a patient even though you know I don't understand why you're visiting him regardless", Hikaru inquired half-jokingly and Kaoru chuckled at him before taking a deep breath to prepare himself.

"Well… ".

He promptly explained the situation to Hikaru who's expression turned more and more horrified by the second. It would have been hilarious if it wasn't about something like this. When he was finished Hikaru looked at him like he never planned on letting him leave the room ever again.

"Kaoru, what the fuck?" Hikaru finally snapped. "Why the fuck are you even walking around by yourself!?"

"I haven't done it since I discovered that I can't remember the way to anywhere. Which was today, mind you, and Kyoya accompanied me here. I don't plan on wandering around by myself from now on".

"Fuck no you aren't!"

"Why are you mad at me? I didn't know I would forget something like this!"

"I'm not mad at you!"

"Stop yelling at me like you are then! I'm not being difficult here, I already told you that I won't be stubborn and try to walk around alone until my memory gets better".

"Are you absolutely sure it will get better though!? Is that really what the doctor told you?"

"I was told that this wasn't something to worry about! Why would I lie about something like this!?"

"Because you always put yourself through dangerous shit!"

"No, that's not by fucking choice! Calm the hell down. Are you honestly blaming me for shit now?"

"... No… ".

"Then calm. The fuck. Down. I'll be in the bathroom while you cool it".

With that Kaoru entered the other room and closed and locked the door behind him. He wasn't infuriated at Hikaru, he just didn't want to have this kind of conversation with him when he was going through the "anger part" of his fear. That would either force Kaoru to apologize for literally nothing or yell back and that wasn't the most productive method when he wanted to calm his twin down. So far the chance that Hikaru would take him to Kyoya appeared pretty slim. Not that it was the most pressing matter but it was still something that put a downer on his mood.

Not wanting to forget why he was in the bathroom for Hikaru's convenience, he silently chanted the reason for the argument to himself until a soft knock on the door interrupted him.

"I'm not angry anymore. Please come out", he heard Hikaru mumble, sounding a little defeated.

Kaoru obliged and was met by a sadder version of his previously irate brother, who slowly sat down on his own bed with a solemn look on his face.

"You're not going to continue to scream at me, right?" Kaoru tentatively asked and Hikaru shook his head.

"No… why do these things keep happening? Losing you is already so damn impossible to imagine but this is just purely inhuman and sadistic".

"I know. I'm sorry, I know it hurts you but it is difficult for me too".

"It's more difficult for you, I know that, but sometimes it's hard to remember. I shouldn't be shouting at you when I'm most likely not the one who is the most terrified… I can't expect you to be comforting and reassuring me in a time like this. I'm supposed to do that to you! I'm sorry. Fuck".

"It's okay. You feel what you feel".

"But you feel too, even more so. How the fuck are you even holding up?"

"I… I just… ".

Sensing that Kaoru was a lot more upset than he let on, Hikaru immediately stood up and rushed to pull his twin into a hug. Kaoru let out a pained sound and Hikaru apologizes for not being mindful of the wounds. The younger twin was shaking as he tried to not cry again. Hikaru decided to be nice and not mention it for now.

"We'll be positive, okay?" Hikaru suggested with a fake upbeat voice to hopefully improve his brother's mood (at least temporarily). "We won't expect the worst for now, alright? We will believe your doctor? …. the non-pervert one".

There was a certain desperation in his voice like he was making a poor attempt at convincing himself but decided to believe in it with all of his heart anyway. Being, or at least pretending to be, completely optimistic might not have been the best route but Kaoru knew that he couldn't say anything to make Hikaru feel better and Hikaru knew that he couldn't say anything that would make Kaoru feel better. This was better than drowning in dread and fear when there was nothing they could do. If life didn't want to grant them a pass then they would grant it to themselves. Even if it was in a small way. It didn't prevent Kaoru from crying himself to sleep later with Hikaru trying his best to be there for him. He didn't end up going to Kyoya, at least not that day.

---

Kaoru's lost memories didn't return the day after or even the day after that. It created a thick cloud of misery looming over him but he went on, pretending that it wasn't raining. At least until darkness fell and he had nothing but himself. Props to Hikaru for not interfering when Kaoru was trying to cry by himself at night, realizing that the younger twin would probably hide his tears more if he did. He still tried to be of help in the mornings and complained only a little when he actually did take Kaoru to Kyoya.

Currently, Kaoru was lying in Kyoya's bed with his head on the older male's chest. His eyes were red and dry and the calm heartbeat underneath his skull helped to soothe the one inside of his own chest.

"I really put you through a lot of things you didn't sign up for", Kaoru commented with an empty laugh.

He could feel Kyoya adjust his position a little to make it easier to look at him.

"Are you talking about me 'signing up' for this relationship? You kind of do that when you enter something serious. At least as long as the other part isn't abusing you".

"Do you feel like I am sometimes? Abusing you I mean".

"Why… Why would you ask such a thing? This is nothing like that, don't you dare try to compare".

"I'm sorry… that was careless of me".

Kyoya sounded fairly offended by what he had said and Kaoru felt bad. There was one thing to be self-pitying and another to belittle something serious. He knew Kyoya didn't have the best past with relationships; the comment was stepping over the line.

"It's alright", Kyoya assured and dragged his fingers through Kaoru's hair with a sigh. "Just don't do that. I'm still going to stay regardless of what happens".

"Unless I do become a really bad person to you, right?" Kaoru asked and Kyoya hesitated. "Kyoya… ".

"Yes, yes of course. If you became a bad person then you wouldn't be Kaoru anymore".

"Mhm… ".

"My reply was just slow because I don't want to think about that scenario".

"I… I know I'm not bad now, but bad things do happen because I exist".

"They don't happen because you exist. You are not allowed to blame yourself for anything, understand?"

"... yeah… I think I can blame myself for blue ballin' you though".

"I don't mind. And no, you can't blame yourself for that either. The last thing I would want right now is you trying to have sex with me when you really don't feel like it. Also, you have pretty big issues currently so that's the last thing I'm thinking about right now too. In other words, I'm not up to it anyway".

"Because of the stress of being with me".

"If I didn't want bumps on the road then I wouldn't be in a serious relationship. I would just have kept it at casual sex. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that I love you and are prepared to stay regardless, but I'll remind you of it as many times as you need".

"But what if I… what if I… ".

"Take your time. But I've given you the only reason I would leave you already".

"But what if I f-f-forget you?" Kaoru finally managed to force himself to ask and he felt how Kyoya tensed under him. "I know that won't happen because the doctor told me whatever this is will be fixable. But I'm still scared. I d-don't want to forget you".

"You won't", Kyoya firmly ensured and held Kaoru tighter. "You won't forget me but I know that's not the only thing you need to hear. If you would lose your memory then I'll just make you fall for me again".

"Hopefully by dicking me down like last time", Kaoru said and the chest under his head vibrated from laughter.

"If that's what you want then I won't complain. This time, however, I won't be fooled when you try to lie that you're a virgin".

"You can pretend that you know the truth because you're super perceptive and not because you have literally already taken my virginity".

"Sounds good. I can't imagine that you wouldn't react well when I eventually have to tell you the truth. But in all seriousness, I would try my best to convince you that I'm your boyfriend. No matter what Hikaru would try to do".

"He couldn't stop us from going to town before so he can't do it in this hypothetical future either".

"Are you sure you're not the one being 'blue balled'?" Kyoya queried with a light-hearted chuckle. "You sure bring this up a lot".

"I can't even wank in my current condition, man. At least you have your hands through this, I can't do shit with these".

That response forced a harder chortle out of the older male and Kaoru couldn't help but laugh along as well.

"You know", Kyoya said with a low and mischievous voice. "I can always be of service if you ever need hands. No need to go further".

That voice always got the redhead at least a little bit hot and bothered. Kaoru couldn't see Kyoya's face but he could imagine the familiar smirk on his face and that didn't help. Even if it was still out of his peripheral vision.

"How kind of you", he responded sarcastically while still feeling hotter than usual. "But I can't give anything back".

Kyoya placed his hand on Kaoru's chest and teasingly started to massage him.

"You can make up for it at a later date… but I'll obviously not do anything if you don't want to. Might be difficult for you to properly get in the mood".

"Yeah… probably… fuck… I hate this", Kaoru sighed and turned around to the best of his limited abilities so he would lie on his stomach instead, with the added bonus of making it easier for Kyoya to embrace him and kiss him on the forehead.

"I know. Things will get better".

"Things have to get better… you're so good to me, you know".

"I'm trying", Kyoya chuckled and pressed his lips on Kaoru's for a quick kiss. "I love you".

"I love you too".

---

It felt nice to wake up without eyes dry from yesterday's tears. It was beyond him, why he didn't cry this time around because he was still quite exhausted. If he had to guess he would assume that he had been distracted, which was neat. Kaoru yawned and rubbed the glue-like dirt from his sensitive eyes.

It took a moment for him to realize that he was in an unfamiliar room. Being in an unfamiliar setting didn't necessarily cause him distress. He was unharmed and comfortable after all, he assumed he was… that he was…

Eyes, narrowed out of exhaustion, turned wide in pure panic. Startled, he flew up from his position on the bed, only then realizing that he was practically on top of someone who was abruptly waking up due to the young redhead's sudden movement. Kaoru shrieked out of fear and flew up from the bed, feet almost getting stuck in the covers and putting too much pressure on his sore arm that he couldn't quite move for some reason. The man in the bed groaned and mumbled, confused, as Kaoru landed with his butt hard on the floor. He hurried away from the strange adult on all four (three) for a few feet before standing up, wobbly because he was much taller than he had expected. Dismay gripped him tightly as he wondered what that man must have done to him.

"Kaoru? Are you-?" The man started to say but Kaoru whined helplessly and rushed into the bathroom.

Labored breaths shook his upper body and his heart was pounding. There was a lot he didn't understand but being in the home of a strange adult was clearly dangerous. He accidentally caught a glance of himself in the mirror and his whole body turned petrified in trepidation at the adult staring back at him. Not because he thought it was another stranger, but because both he and his reflection moved in too similar ways for his young brain to be in denial.

"I-I don't understand", he silently voiced. "Why-why am I-I-I-?"

Kaoru fell to the floor once again, panic clouding his vision and mind. Confusion and anxiety bit at him harshly and the only thoughts he could produce were:

"Help! What's happening!? I need to escape, help, help, help… ".

Suddenly everything went black for a moment until he returned to his body so harshly that he almost thought he got whiplash. He breathed heavily and looked around in, what he soon realized was, Kyoya's bathroom. The hands on him startled him for a second until he realized that it was his extremely worried, confused and terror-stricken boyfriend who was saying his name over and over again to get his attention.

"Kyoya?" Kaoru murmured weakly and witnessed as the other male almost sobbed out of relief.

The young zero yelped as he was pulled up and embraced tightly and desperately.

"Oh kami, I thought you had, I thought you were… the way you looked at me, I can't handle it if you ever look at me like I'm unrecognizable to you ever again. You ran in here and when I got here after you it was like you were having a seizure. I was so damn scared that you were going to die as well as lose all of your memories", Kyoya sniffled and Kaoru had never seen him so uncomposed before.

"I-I can't recall what happened to me seconds ago but I did forget everything for a moment", he explained and felt the grip around him tighten. "I'm not sure exactly how much I remembered, but I think I was under the impression that I was a child. Probably why you scared me. I'm sorry".

"Don't apologize, never apologize for this. I'm sorry that I frightened you. God, you must have been terrified".

"I was but I feel so safe right now… but my arm is hurting pretty badly".

Kyoya apologized and quickly pulled away enough for him to be able to examine his broken arm. A swift curse left his lips and Kaoru couldn't help but laugh even if this probably didn't bode well for him.

"It's nothing dangerous but you need to go to the hospital so they can take a more proper look and redo the dressing. Does it hurt a lot?"

"It's not excruciating or anything like that. You don't need to worry your brilliant mind too much about that", Kaoru assured and gently poked Kyoya's temple with his hand on his good arm to emphasize his words. "I will still go and take a look at it though. Hopefully my freak out did not do enough damage to prolong my recovery".

"I sure hope so too", Kyoya agreed and stood up while carefully helping the other male up. "Is it alright if we leave now? It's quite early but I don't feel good going back to sleep without having them at least tidy it up".

"Couldn't you do that? You're a doctor".

"Yes, but I don't have the correct equipment".

"Fair enough… I think you can stay here. It's a lot harder to explain why you would be with me at this hour".

"You are correct but I can't just let you wander around by yourself when you don't know where to go".

"Well that's the thing", Kaoru smiled. "I wouldn't have suggested that you stayed if I didn't know that I would find the way".

The widest grin tugged at Kyoya's lips.

---

The news about the return of Kaoru's memories was equally appreciated by Hikaru who actually cried and hugged him painfully close (yes, Kaoru did go to the hospital again after that just to make sure that the hug didn't make things much worse and was met with the most polite and professional way to be called an idiot). Hikaru didn't even give him a disapproving look over him sleeping over at Kyoya's because he was so relieved. Yes, Kaoru had been told that his issues would be fixed with time but it was definitely easy to doubt that. Having recovered all of his memories (as far as he knew) was definitely the best proof of what the doctor had said. Undeniably what he had needed.

After confirming for the second time that his arm would be fine, Hikaru accompanied Kaoru to the common area. Not because he didn't trust his younger twin brother to find his way there by himself, but because his happiness over Kaoru's recovered memories made him more easily convinced to not just stay in their room all day long. The brothers decided to draw and play board games together. Other Boys joined now and then when Hikaru wasn't too uncomfortable with the idea.

Duncan entered the area a few hours later. He looked like his normal happy self when he saw Kaoru but the sight of Hikaru made him falter a tad bit and he discreetly walked past them and sat down at another table to talk (flirt) with someone else. Normally, Kaoru would have waved him over if he didn't look busy but he was a little puzzled. Now when his memories had returned he could recall a few times when Duncan definitely would have noticed that he forgot things and, worse of all, taken advantage of those moments. Yes, Duncan didn't do anything seriously messed up but it still didn't quite sit well with him.

"Am I just overreacting about this? Maybe he just didn't want to scare me? Most of the time he just took back things he shouldn't have said and I can understand why he wouldn't want to say those things again… but still, there is another elephant in the room between us. With my memories, I can tell that he is trying to see if I'm jealous right now. I have never given him a reason to believe that I like him romantically, right?"

"You okay, Kaoru?" Hikaru asked, snapping Kaoru out of his musings.

"Uh, yeah… say, why don't you like Duncan?" Kaoru inquired, even if he knew that Hikaru would just come up with a bullshit excuse for just not wanting Kaoru to have other friends.

"I don't trust him, that's all".

"You don't trust Kyoya either and he has been an actual good thing to me", Kaoru pointed out dismissively and quiet enough for no one else to hear.

"I know why Kyoya is in your life though", Hikaru responded just as quietly. "But the way Duncan asks for you and pretends that he is just okay with just being your friend doesn't sit well with me… I know you don't trust my judgment on other people-".

"Became you don't trust other people".

"-But you must have noticed that he is actually just your friend because he wants more. Wouldn't surprise me if his amicable persona dropped if he ever discovered that you have a boyfriend".

"Have you heard him do something like this before?"

"No… it's not exactly easy for me to ask around".

"Then you are just going on your own assumptions".

"That doesn't mean that I'm wrong".

"Maybe not but so far I don't believe you have justifiable reasons for disliking Kyoya so… ".

"You don't have to believe me if you don't want to", Hikaru shrugged before they returned to their card game.

No one else at the table mentioned their short absence from the game, but they did look ever so slightly annoyed. Kaoru couldn't blame them.

Eventually, the other guys moved to do something else so Kaoru and Hikaru started to play just the two of them again.

"Hiya there, Kaoru", Duncan greeted as he slid into the chair next to him.

There was something odd about his cheeriness. Kaoru had to rudely dismiss the thought that the blond Boy wasn't happy with him for not paying attention to him flirting with someone else. It couldn't be denied that he felt something for Kaoru but the redhead must be a little too far up his own ass to just assume that the guy was trying to ruffle his feathers like that.

"Hi, Duncan. We're in the middle of a game right now but you can join the next round if you want to", Kaoru told him despite the chaste disapproving look Hikaru sent him.

"It's okay, I get bored easily by card games", he quipped.

"You and I have played cards before… ".

"I wasn't as bored then and you're quite the entertainment", Duncan shot back with a wink and this time Hikaru sent Kaoru a "what did I tell you"- look.

"I believe I'm still quite the entertainment", Kaoru smirked and turned to face his twin. "Don't you think so, Hikaru?"

"Yeah. Say, Duncan, do you believe that he is less entertaining now or something?"

Not realizing Hikaru was showing a rare moment of joyful teasing, Duncan's eyes widened and he raised his hands in surrender.

"N-no! I didn't say that".

If Hikaru understood that the guy had put his foot so far into his mouth that he had accidentally said that Hikaru was the issue here he didn't mention it. His good mood made him less inclined to start petty fights.

"Relax. I was not accusing you of 'dishonoring' my brother", Hikaru murmured with an eye roll before he turned his attention back to his cards.

Duncan still looked a little nervous and Kaoru guessed he could understand. Hikaru wasn't usually the most pleasant person towards Duncan after all.

"Are you alright, Kaoru?" Duncan asked meekly and quietly.

"Hm?" Kaoru prompted, not quite having heard what he had said.

"I asked if you are alright".

"Yeah?" Kaoru told him, chuckling a little of confusion. "I'm actually pretty happy today".

"Okay", Duncan mumbled, not looking convinced for some reason and Hikaru eyed him, suspicious.

"Does he seem off to you?" Hikaru asked, a little absent-mindedly because he realized he was losing the game and needed to focus.

"A little", Duncan confessed with an oddly serious look. "Can I talk with you outside, Kaoru?"

"Is it about something private to you?" Kaoru asked, sounding both curious and sympathetic even if he didn't want to move unless he needed to.

Call him selfish but he wanted to enjoy as much of Hikaru's improved mood as he could.

"Well no… but I think you might not want an audience", Duncan tried to whisper to Kaoru but he was still loud enough for Hikaru to hear and the older twin did not look amused at the horrible attempt at keeping him out of the conversation.

"Only Hikaru is within earshot. I don't have anything to hide from him".

"You sure about that?" Hikaru chimed in.

"Yes. I am saying that I don't mind you being around, aren't I… if it in fact isn't about something really personal to you, but you said it wasn't".

Hikaru sent Kaoru a knowing look like he was expecting Duncan to declare his love for the younger twin. Kaoru wasn't too sure about that being it though. However, he could tell that the blond Boy now wished he had said that it was something personal to him.

"Uh… you know what, I will say it here", Duncan declared. "The reason I asked if you were fine is because I noticed some things".

"What things?" Kaoru prompted, not knowing what he was talking about because he thought that he was looking more like himself today than he had done for a while.

"Well for starters… you have what looks like bruises on your shoulder".

"I do?" Kaoru asked and moved his head to get a better look at the alleged damaged skin only to find that he was right. "Hm, I didn't notice those before".

"So, you don't know where they come from?"

"Ehm… ".

"Didn't you fall off a bed in the middle of the night?" Hikaru reminded him helpfully, obviously leaving out whose bed it was.

Kaoru had told Hikaru the whole story but luckily Hikaru didn't take it too badly because Kaoru clearly regained all of his memories back almost instantly. He even brought forward the theory that it might have been those "worse before getting better"- things. Even if he couldn't quite explain why with any logic, Kaoru thought it made sense.

"Yeah, that could be it. I was probably too tired-". "Freaked out". "-to notice".

"If you haven't noticed until now, it's not hurting, right?" Hikaru asked, worry flashing in his eyes.

"Nah. No need for concern. As long as my broken arm is gonna be alright a few bruises I didn't even know about aren't anything".

"About your arm", Duncan chimed in. "I've noticed that you have changed the bandages?"

"It's the same color. How intensely are you staring at my brother all the time to notice that?"

"Hikaru, don't be an ass".

"It's not an invalid question", Hikaru shrugged before sighing. "You know, you're about as subtle as a drunk clown at a child's birthday party at a church", he added, looking sternly at Duncan who's bravado faltered somewhat.

"What are you talking about?"

"Child's birthday party at a church?" Kaoru quipped.

"It's obvious what I'm talking about, you can't play dumb with me. You clearly assume I'm the cause of the injuries, right? That's why you're even more nervous around me than usual and didn't initially want to mention your findings in front of me".

"I-I never said any of that!"

"Stop pretending that I'm just being crazy here. Tell me, did it feel like an 'I got you'-moment when you decided to put on your big boy pants and tell us about the bruises and shit with so much confidence?"

"You are just making stuff up, man! Yes, I was worried but I never said I thought it was you!"

"But you acted like it was me! I'm not an idiot and I'm not just imagining things. Why else didn't you want me to know about the bruises and dressing?"

"Because you always overreact!"

"So, you want me to work under the assumption that you just assumed that I wouldn't know if he went to the hospital or not? Why would you even be worried about the dressing? Just admit it, you thought I harmed him and are just trying to play it off".

"Kaoru", Duncan pleaded and turned to face the younger, stunned, twin. "I don't know what he is talking about. Tell him he is just being rude to me as usual!"

"Don't try to use Kaoru to gaslight me!"

"Do you even know what that word means!?" Duncan shot back, sounding a lot meaner than Kaoru had ever heard him. "I'm not gaslighting you!"

"Why can't you just admit that you thought it was me? You wouldn't be the first! Is it because Kaoru is here?"

"Stop making shit up! You're confused!"

"It's too late to pretend to be innocent now. Kaoru is not a fucking idiot, he can tell that you're full of shit".

Kaoru was looking back and forth between them like he was following a boll in a tennis match. He wanted to step in but at the same time, he couldn't. Normally, he would have taken Duncan's side because Hikaru was paranoid and generally did jump to conclusions, but the blonde Boy's reaction and weak responses didn't quite add to that narrative. Especially considering that this wasn't the first time Duncan had claimed to not have said something that he had said. The accusations against Hikaru wouldn't have been too outrageous if they were made a while ago and the injuries were smaller so Kaoru couldn't be mad at Duncan for that, but the way he was going about things still didn't sit well with him.

"You don't talk for him!"

"And you don't lie to him. Would you be more honest if my sweet brother wasn't present? Don't worry, this isn't gonna change anything anyway. He is still not gonna fuck-".

The action that occurred after that didn't surprise Kaoru, he had kind of expected it and was subconsciously preparing to break apart their fight. However, it was quite astonishing to witness that his brother wasn't the one who threw the first punch. Duncan's fist connected with Hikaru's cheek and all three were petrified out of shock. The older twin had a temper and could accidentally become a little violent, especially when it came to his overprotectiveness over Kaoru, because of the effects of the memory diving. In other words, him attacking someone he felt was a threat, for example to the trust Kaoru had in him, wasn't odd (could almost be considered inevitable). However, Duncan wasn't violent. He was a little creepy sometimes but never violent. Kaoru wouldn't have thought that mean teasing would cause such a reaction. Duncan had appeared more skittish and annoyed, not furious like he looked now.

"Stop trying to poison him!" Duncan accused and tried to hurl himself at Hikaru who snapped out of his shock quickly enough to move to the side.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!?"

"What is wrong with you!?"

It was then a cold feeling crept up Kaoru's spine at the realization... that what was wrong with Hikaru was becoming what was wrong with Duncan.

"G-guys", he stuttered while feeling overcome by nausea and heavy doses of guilt, but was ignored.

"You're the one who is attacking me!"

"You've been a fucking asshole to me!"

"Not enough to be assaulted! I just wanted to protect Kaoru from the likes of you!"

"Shut up! You don't get to decide over him!"

"Stop trying to punch me or I'll fucking punch back!" Hikaru threatened when Duncan kept trying to hit him. "And I don't decide anything for him!"

"Yes, you do!"

"If I am, why is he still hanging out with you!?"

"Because you can't control him like that!"

"Then what the hell are you even on about!?"

Deciding he was done with ducking, Hikaru struck back and the fight turned more violent after that. Everyone in the room had been trying to awkwardly ignore or discreetly peek at them until now. Now they started to openly stare instead. Kaoru wanted to stop the fight and punch them both in the face for being ridiculous but he couldn't move, almost like he had turned into an ice statue.

"He is not your fucking property!" Duncan cried with his mouth filled with blood, not realizing yet that he had started an altercation with someone who wouldn't hold back as much as he did.

"I still don't get what you're talking about! You agreed that I wasn't controlling him!"

"No! We agreed that you didn't keep him from talking to me!"

"Tell me what the fuck I'm doing! You say I control him but not his actions? … Are you really insane enough to think that I'm the reason why he won't sleep with you!?"

Duncan flinched even if Hikaru hadn't slapped him this time around. Hikaru looked like he wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh uncontrollably because of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation plus the disbelief or become even more worked up for being accused of something horrible again.

"You seriously think I control who he sleeps with? Or who he has feelings for? You must think I'm a real monster, don't you?"

"Shut up!"

"Stop!" Kaoru managed to loudly command despite his body not only being made of stone but also shaking.

His voice was almost echoing in his own ears and the lack of reaction from the other two made him doubt that he even managed to say anything at all. It was at least difficult to hear much from his surroundings, vaguely he could hear someone announcing that they were going to go and get an adult but he couldn't be sure.

"Am I having a panic attack? I don't think I've had one before… at least not like this. I wouldn't know, I don't know. Can they please shut the hell up?"

"Stop it now!" He tried again. "Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it now!"

He kept and kept yelling for them to stop despite not being able to decipher if they were listening to him or not. Actually, he couldn't even really see them anymore despite his eyes being wide open. His hard breathing and pounding heart echoed in his ears alongside his raspy voice. Someone was touching him and he felt restricted and started to thrash around until the person let go. It still felt like someone was too close so he moved to the side with his eyes glued to the ground, the only thing he could really see.

Someone grabbed him once again and he shrieked and his legs gave out from underneath him. He hit his head on the ground. First, his vision cleared up a little and he saw a face, then darkness, and then nothing.