A/N: I don't know if that's obvious to anyone else but there were a lot of things I had to try my best to remember thanks to all of the decisions I made. Especially when it comes to Zero stuff since I created a whole new species mostly from scratch (I still believe darker than black must have had some influence even if this story originally came from a dream I had). I've tried to collect all the info as I edit in case I want to use this concept again (which I might, just not for the same fandom).

Good news, I think the difference between father and further is finally stuck in my head. Too bad it happened now when I'm editing chapter 16.

Chapter 16. Try/Give up.

Kaoru stared up at the ceiling, oddly annoyed at the fly stuck underneath the lampshade. It was desperately buzzing, but only became less and less awake and started to make sounds less and less frequently. If it was because it was giving up or actively dying, he couldn't tell. However, he couldn't feel bad for it. The fly wasn't just stupid enough to not see all the available escape routes, no it got stuck there all by itself. Sure, it was an awful way to go but it was a way to go for the stupid.

"Kaoru", the doctor in front of him said, trying to gain his attention.

Kaoru looked down from the ceiling and at him with a disinterested expression, which seemed to hurt the man's feelings.

"I have some questions for you, Kaoru", the man added after awkwardly clearing his throat and Kaoru only tilted his head to the side, both to show that he had taken in what the man said and to prompt him to continue. "I know you're not unable to talk".

Kaoru rolled his eyes and the doctor sighed and wrote something down on his notepad. Three men were standing at the doorway. He knew that two of them escorted him there but he wasn't sure why they didn't leave him alone with the doctor. Didn't they trust him? He wouldn't run away.

"Okay. The first question is your name", the doctor said and Kaoru gave him a "are you kidding"- look. "I didn't decide the questions. Believe me, it's important".

"Hitachiin Kaoru", he responded, bored, and all of the men in the room were visibly taken aback. "What?"

"You don't use that last name anymore", the doctor said and Kaoru raised an eyebrow at that.

"But it's my name".

"You don't use it. If a zero is related to someone famous, said famous person usually pays a lot of money for us to not release that information".

"My parents didn't want me to have my last name?"

"No, they did not. That's confirmed by the contract they signed. A lot of people don't want to be associated with zeroes but that doesn't mean that you did something bad. Your brother didn't do anything bad either".

"But they must hate me".

"Not necessarily and even if that was the case, it doesn't mean that you are hated for any good reason".

"Would you want to be around a zero like me? Would you be okay with me having your last name?" Kaoru asked as if it was a "gotcha" moment.

"I wouldn't be ashamed, no", the doctor responded with something unreadable in his voice and face. "Do you want to continue with the questions?"

"I… I guess", Kaoru relented, hoping that the next questions could lighten his mood up at least a little.

"The next question is your brother's name".

"Hita- no, just Hikaru I suppose", Kaoru sourly responded, losing hope about not continuing being brought down by the questions.

"Good. Are you okay?"

"My parents left me and Hikaru here… have they tried to contact us? Did they just want us gone?"

"They haven't. I'm sorry", the doctor said, looking genuinely sorrowful over Kaoru's pain. "But we are going to take care of you. You are not alone".

"Do you even care about me?"

"I do. I really do. You are my patient and I want you to be well".

"... can I just get another question?"

"Sure, Kaoru. The next question is: what is your age?"

"My age?" Kaoru repeated, not as condescending this time around. "I… ".

"Are you a child? Or a teenager?"

"I… maybe? I don't feel that big".

"I'm not angry at you for not knowing".

"I don't care if you are".

"You can't hide those feelings from me. It's okay. The important thing is that you're answering, alright?"

"... alright", Kaoru answered, meekly.

"Is it okay for me to continue?"

"Yes, doctor".

"Good, good. Do you know where you are?"

"Is that the next question? I'm in your office, right?"

"Yes, good. So you know where my office is? So you know what this building is?"

"Uhm… I would have said a hospital but it doesn't feel like it. From what I've seen of this place, it looks like this is more than a hospital… is this an insane asylum?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because of this", Kaoru responded while lifting his scarred arms. "You're probably more than an asylum because my mom gave me away for being a zero, but this part is one of the reasons that I'm with you, right?"

"Those scars are from your zero sacrifices", Kyoya told him calmly but the sadness in his eyes grew.

Kaoru didn't know why he wanted to get rid of that. Something just made him want to comfort the man. It confused him because he had never cared about how his misery affected other people who couldn't possibly care that much about him.

"All of them?"

"Yes".

"Why would I want to do that to people?"

"It's- it's not what you did to people but for people. You have only used your powers on bad people to help good people. Do you understand?"

"I don't think you entirely believe in it yourself… you can't hide those feelings from me", he added a little fake cheekily and it seemed to make the man more down.

"Let's put it this way then. You did it while believing it's the good thing. But as you know, you can't always trust that other people have the same moral compass as you. In short, you are not a bad person".

"I don't know if I can trust you on that", Kaoru mumbled and looked down at his lap.

"Kaoru-".

"What's the next question?"

One of the three men started to talk to the doctor in a language Kaoru couldn't understand and it made him feel awkward.

"The next question is", the doctor started to say, looking like he was preparing himself for something inevitably bad. "Do you know my name?"

"Your name?"

"Yes. 'What's your personal doctor's name' is the next one".

"My personal doctor… Why is there so much that I can't remember? Why can't I remember you?"

"Calm down, it's alright… I'm just your doctor", the man tried to assure but something pained in his voice made Kaoru doubt his words. "We are going to help you. We only have one question left but I don't think you know the answer to that one either because you don't know where you are".

"What is the last question?"

"What you're doing here".

"Aha… I gathered from what you told me that I'm here to help you with my powers but I can't remember anything… what are you gonna do to me?"

"Like I said, we are going to help you with your memory problems. Not now perhaps because you look tired. We are done soon so you can go back to your brother".

Being with Hikaru was a big relief because that implied that they probably weren't in a bad place but it also induced anxiety. Hikaru looked weirdly old to Kaoru and could barely talk. The older twin always looked distressed and could snap at anyone who wasn't Kaoru. It was good that it was never directed at Kaoru because he almost cried every time his brother raised his voice; it was scary. Hikaru also had several bruises on him, which indicated that there had been an altercation. So being around him did make Kaoru a little uncomfortable but not enough to stay away. The love was still strong, he supposed.

"It's just a lot".

"I know. It's okay if you're afraid".

"Afraid?" Kaoru repeated, confused, after he was hit by a headache and recognized that it was his boyfriend who was talking to him. "I'm not afraid when I'm with you", he added before switching to English.

Kyoya smiled warmly at him before he also stopped speaking Japanese. This time the three men didn't just have to stand there awkwardly and could actually understand what they were talking about.

"I have to ask you the questions again".

"Kaoru, Hikaru, 18, some military base in America, Kyoya Ootori, Nothing at the moment because I'm wrongfully given a vacation. Now, what's happening?"

"You… you have long bouts of memory loss. You returned shortly before but not long enough for us to explain things to you".

"Returned? How much of my memory disappears?" Kaoru inquired, visibly panicked.

Kyoya, cautious and exhausted, looked like he wanted to come over and embrace and comfort him, but he couldn't.

"It changes every time. You rarely remember where you are. I'm really sorry… ".

"Can anyone fix this!?"

This time one of the three men, Kaoru could tell from the clothing that it was a doctor, spoke up.

"We don't know anything yet. My name is Matthews, I've worked with you when you were unconscious so you might not recognize me. Is it okay if I ask you a few questions too? I would like to take advantage of this moment of your returned memories and not just because I can actually talk to you now. You don't always remember the English language".

"It's alright, I want to know what's going on just as much as you do".

"Probably more than I do", Matthews corrected with a kind smile. "You didn't look as surprised as I would have assumed when my colleague here told you about your memory loss. Has this happened before?"

"To a much smaller degree, yes. My short term memory was horrendous, I forgot some older facts too and couldn't find my way around here- but I was told that I shouldn't worry about it", he quickly added at the end so they wouldn't think he was a fucking idiot. "I did go to the hospital to ask about it".

"When?"

"I'm not sure, not that long. About a few weeks ago probably. I explained my issues and was told that it was most likely temporary but fixable if it didn't disappear. I believe he thought it could be trauma-related but I don't remember why".

"Did he do any tests?"

"No".

"Are you sure? He just listened to you telling him this and decided that you shouldn't worry?"

"Yes… was he really that far off?"

"He wasn't wrong about it necessarily not being a big issue but he should have done more tests or had you supervised. Forgetting directions you have known for so long is not a good sign. Do you remember which doctor you met?"

"I think his name was Geoff? Can't recall his last name but I believe it started with an F".

"I will see if he has worked with you before because he was not with us the last time you had to be taken to the hospital. If he hasn't worked with you I'm curious to know where his assumptions came from. Anyway, we have to do more tests on you but it hasn't been easy. You never have an exact age when you lose your memories, you never go back to a specific time. We have mostly theories-".

"But no answers", Kaoru butt in and looked down, sad, at the ground. "Is this even fixable? Am I stuck like this forever? Are things just going to get worse? I know you don't know but what do you think?"

"I… we think this is fixable… but we can't know that for sure, but we are still going to work tirelessly to help you".

Kaoru tried to swallow the lump in his throat and nodded at him. Kyoya looked heartbreakingly devastated when he looked up again and that made him feel both worse and better; that's what the combination of sympathy and honesty did to you.

"That's all I can ask for, right?" Kaoru laughed humorlessly as he looked down again. "I can't do anything".

"You can rest and cooperate as much as possible with us so we can get answers quicker", Matthews suggested to make him feel better before Kyoya decided to cut in.

"Do you need to test him now? I think he is quite exhausted".

"We don't know when his memories will return again".

"I don't think there is much more he can tell you and you can test his brain and take his vitals for tests no matter if he has his memories or not".

"Maybe, but he is more complicit when he has his memories, us non-Japanese guys can actually understand him, and we would like to compare his brain activity between him now and him without his memories. But I do understand that this is a lot for him", he affirmed before turning to Kaoru again who did not show any signs of following their conversation. "How do you feel? We can wait if you want to. You have actually been in here for a while".

"I have?"

"Yes, but not as present-day Kaoru… what is the last thing you remember?"

"Me waking up in the hospital after getting a panic attack over my brother and my friend being idiots".

"That's the last time you had your memories regained. That's a very good sign, that means you aren't forgetting things between your bouts of memory loss. In other words, we can pick this up another time if you don't want to continue now".

"I… ".

Kaoru flinched like something hit him in the head. His face scrunched up and his eyes closed before they opened again, blinking a couple of times to clear the lightheadedness and the blurry vision.

After a moment Kaoru looked around the room, shaking as tears started to build up in his eyes. He started to cry out of fear of the strange men at the door.

"I think this answered for him", Matthews commented while being unable to look away from Kaoru.

Kyoya smiled as soothingly as he could before grabbing the, still tear-stained, teddy bear from the shelf. Rosengard's of course, the stuffed animal and not the wetness, and he had asked Kyoya not to ask why he had it. The Japanese doctor didn't understand why he just didn't just say that his girlfriend (fiancée?) sent him it, nor did he care if his European colleague liked to have these kinds of things around. It sure was a huge help now.

"Hi there, Kaoru", he said softly to gain the redhead's attention, in Japanese again of course. "Do you want this?"

Kaoru looked at the teddy bear before eagerly extending his arms towards it, still crying. Kyoya handed it to him and he hugged it closely to his chest. It would have been such a cute sight if it wasn't for the awful circumstances.

"Do you know who I am, Kaoru?" "Or are you even younger this time around?"

Kaoru took a good look at him before nodding, looking at least a tiny bit more relaxed.

"That's good. Do you want to go back to your room?"

"Not tired", he mumbled in return, barely audible because his mouth was now buried in the stuffed animal in his arms.

"You don't need to go to bed". "Even if you probably should". "You can draw with your little friend there".

"C-can… can you come with?"

Kyoya wanted to say yes but looked at Matthews for confirmation regardless. Luckily he received a nod and he told Kaoru that it was alright. The smaller male looked happy at that and hurriedly stood up, holding his hand out for Kyoya to take. He could tell that the action seemed to hurt Kyoya and was about to retrieve his hand when Kyoya stood up and gently took it.

"Don't think too much about how this looks", one of the men at the door said while trying to hold back laughter. "It's important to keep him calm".

"Yeah… ", Kyoya mumbled while looking down at their intertwined hands.

"We don't have to hold hands… ", Kaoru meekly muttered without being able to look at him.

"No, it's okay, I want to if it makes you more comfortable. Should we go?"

Kaoru nodded and they were off on their way. Walking through the corridors together hand in hand messed with Kyoya's head. This was supposed to feel nice, they were supposed to walk hand in hand through a park or something like a normal couple. It wasn't supposed to be like this. However, he still couldn't imagine someone else being in Kaoru's position next to him; he had to accept that this was what he had.

Kyoya almost didn't realize that Hikaru was there when he entered the twins' room. The older twin just lied in bed, unmoving like someone had replaced him with a crude life-sized doll. His eyes were so focused on the ceiling that Kyoya almost suspected that he saw something there. Kaoru looked a little unsure of himself when he noticed the red-haired man.

"He is friendly, remember? He is just a little too sad to play right now", Kyoya reminded him.

Telling him that it was Hikaru didn't feel like a good idea this time. If Kaoru didn't recognize him then it would only make him extremely distressed about Hikaru looking so old.

"Is he okay?" Kaoru asked, sounding worried and small, and something twitched in Hikaru's face.

"Yes, he just needs time. Now, where did we put your pencils?"

"Un-under the bed".

Kyoya smiled and went to grab them, internally noting how this time around Kaoru really did seem to have gone back to an age he had been at before. He hoped this wasn't a bad sign, that this was an age Kaoru could get stuck at.

"Here you go", Kyoya handed Kaoru the art supplies and they sat down on the floor together.

Kaoru started to excitedly draw while still holding onto his bear. Kyoya knew that it probably was extremely painful for Hikaru to have them there; it was a constant reminder of the situation and he didn't deserve it. Kaoru's broken memory would have been triggered by something else if Hikaru's and Duncan's fight had never broken out. However, Kyoya did not feel comfortable with having Kaoru like this in a place such as the Boys' common room. It could make Kaoru distressed by being around so many "strangers" and other people's curious poking wasn't needed. Especially from Duncan who for some reason thought that he should have been allowed to see Kaoru anyway to make sure that he was alright. Kyoya assumed that the blond Boy meant well, but he didn't trust him. Hikaru wouldn't be a threat even if he started a fight because his priority had always been and would always be Kaoru and he was also quite docile right now. The other boy felt way too unpredictable for Kyoya's liking.

"What are you drawing?" Kyoya asked, it was obviously very weird for him to treat his boyfriend like a small child but he was still going to try his best no matter how messed up the situation was. "Are you drawing someone?"

Kaoru's art style regressing during memory loss would have been fascinating for Kyoya if he had been more removed from the situation. Now it only made him nauseous; Kaoru was supposed to be truly talented.

"Can't you see?" Kaoru responded, a little offended.

Kyoya took another look at the mess that resembled some kind of stick figure, sensing the "danger".

"Is it… me?" He suggested after seeing what he thought were glasses and Kaoru nodded approvingly.

"Yes, my friend… right?"

"Yes… I'm your f-friend".

"You are a nice doctor", Kaoru notes before turning his focus back to the drawing. "Doctors are mostly not nice".

"You think so? Doctors usually want to help".

"Doctors think I'm a freak. Or they treat me like I don't know anything. They pretend to be nice but they are not".

"I don't think you are a freak", Kyoya assured, heart hurting from Kaoru's words. "And I am not pretending".

"I know. I told you, you are a nice doctor".

"Thank you".

Kyoya didn't try to keep the conversation going because even without looking at Hikaru he could tell that the older twin was probably not happy about hearing child-Kaoru talk, both in general and in a friendly way with someone that wasn't him. Obviously, Kyoya didn't stay in silence every time Kaoru asked something or when he gleefully presented Kyoya with the finished "masterpiece" that was (in Kaoru's words) Kyoya in "doctor clothes" on top of a super mountain. What exactly was so super about it was unclear. Kyoya promised to put it up on his fridge and actually intended on following through. Hopefully, there would be a day when they could look back on this laughing.

Kaoru continued to draw some more. Kyoya's back was aching from the awkward hunched over position on the hard ground, but he didn't make his complaints known. He both liked and disliked being the person to watch over Kaoru. Liked because he loved Kaoru and wanted to make sure that he was properly taken care of and not disturbed, disliked because of how painful it was to see Kaoru being like this and because he had to hold himself back more than before. In some ways it wasn't hard because children weren't attractive to him in that aspect (despite what Grimes, and Hikaru too for that matter, might have thought) despite the body still looking adult, but even hugging Kaoru felt way over the line. The thought of making the smaller male uncomfortable or possibly scarred in some way by the wrong touch horrified him. Maybe it was an over-exaggeration to imply that Kaoru would get traumatized by a hug, back rub or any other non sexual act of affection, but he really didn't want to risk it. Whether he liked it or not, Kaoru was a child at this moment and had to be treated with the same care as any other child.

After a few minutes Kaoru stood up with his drawing and went over to Hikaru. Kyoya stared wide-eyed at how he extended his hands towards the older twin with the new artwork and told him it was a get well card. It was both the most adorable and most alarm-inducing thing Kyoya had seen. Hikaru wasn't a bad person but he had a temper, especially when he was under significant emotional distress. He wouldn't attack Kaoru but he could do something else on impulse. Hikaru's empty eyes snapped towards the paper and he quickly sat up and grabbed it before Kyoya could even react. Kaoru looked a little scared, like he could sense that he had done something that would make the other male scream. Hikaru stared at the drawing intensely with his hands shaking and bunching up the ends of the paper. Kyoya immediately flew up and marched over to Kaoru, gently placing his hands on his shoulder to discreetly make him retreat with him. He stopped when he saw tears building up in Hikaru's eyes. The older twin burst out crying while hugging the drawing close enough to almost ruin the paper, eyes closed. Kaoru, not having the memories that would incline him to go and comfort his brother just stood there awkwardly and unsure of himself while Kyoya openly stared, also feeling unsure but also stunned and sympathetic; he had never seen this raw and pure sadness and distraught on him before. Yes, Hikaru had been unhappy for as long as Kyoya could remember, broken even. However, he had never looked as broken into pieces as he did in that moment. The hope that burned bright and warmly inside of Kyoya didn't exist in Hikaru, everything was just dark. It didn't feel like Hikaru had any hope left and that Kaoru was already gone. There was a lot Kyoya wanted to do, he wanted to spend hours explaining the scientific reasoning behind why they didn't have any reason to believe that Kaoru was lost yet, he wanted to comfort him despite how awkward it would be, he wanted to yell at him to not give up and that Kaoru needed him, he wanted to let him talk openly about all of his feelings and thoughts… but nothing would work. Kyoya knew that Hikaru couldn't be reached by him. His first response to Kyoya trying to either lecture or help him would be to start a fight because despite everything Kyoya was still the enemy. It was frustrating because Kyoya did care about him on some level and not just because he was important to Kaoru. He didn't quite understand why because Hikaru hadn't given him any reasons to (in fact he had done the opposite) but he assumed that Kaoru's heart had bled into his so he also felt bad for Hikaru now.

Sometimes he wondered how it would be if he got the chance to get to know Hikaru as he was before his mind deteriorated. From what Kaoru had told him Hikaru had always been overprotective but he used to also be fun, caring, chill and a joy to be around. Trying to imagine how life could have been was something Kyoya knew that he should stop with. It was only hurting him.

"Did I do wrong?" Kaoru meekly asked Kyoya, quiet and insecure.

"No, he… Do you want to take a walk with me? Just to give him a moment?"

Kaoru, still being a kid who didn't understand the seriousness, clearly wanted to continue to draw but he could see that the sad man probably didn't want him there now after making him cry. So with no verbal complaints from the mentally young male, Kyoya escorted Kaoru out of the room, leaving Hikaru alone.

For a moment they walked in silence. Kyoya had, unprompted, taken Kaoru's hand because he could sense that it was something the smaller male actually wanted but didn't feel like he was allowed to ask for this time around. Having read about Kaoru's unstable past, he wasn't too surprised at Kaoru's attitude but it was still jarring. Kaoru hadn't been the happiest person with himself and his worth but it had never been like this during the time Kyoya had known him.

People they walked past stared but Kyoya couldn't care less because he knew the situation better than they did and if they talked to other doctors about it they would hear the reason behind their closeness.

"You did a nice thing but he isn't in a good mood for your… kindness", Kyoya told him, not wanting to outright say that Kaoru as a whole wasn't what Hikaru needed.

"Why? And why is he so sad when I'm around him?" Kaoru cautiously, but still innocently, asked and Kyoya should have known that Kaoru would have been able to pick up on that even if he hadn't been around Hikaru in this age more than twice. "He doesn't like me".

"No, it's not that. You just… you remind him of someone he has… someone he has lost, or at least feel like he has lost. It's not your fault that he is like this, he just needs time. Don't worry about him, but maybe don't do anything like that again. Believe me, he loves your drawing but, like I said, you remind him of someone else".

"I-I didn't mean to. I-I wanted to make him h-happy and I thought that he would be sadder if I didn't give him a drawing too. I'm sorry, I-".

"It's okay, it's okay. He knows that you didn't want to make him upset. He knows that you're a nice person. Just give him space for now, okay?"

"Okay", Kaoru reluctantly mumbled in response.

Kyoya could tell that he would follow the advice but he didn't completely understand the importance of it. Part of it was because of his memory of course, but his current juvenile state didn't help.

"Maybe you two can become friends later?" "When your memory returns and stays".

"Maybe. He seems nice and I don't want to see him sad… should I not sleep in the same room anymore?"

"No, but it's not because of that. We want you to stay in the hospital for a while to make sure that you are okay".

Kaoru nodded with sad eyes before staring up at Kyoya. That small action worried Kyoya somewhat. Kyoya hoped that Kaoru wouldn't question the fact that their height difference wasn't as big as it should have been between an adult and a small child. It was important to not break the illusion in the slightest for Kaoru. The people at the base had hidden every mirror Kaoru could have stumbled upon to not cause him a shock by seeing that he wasn't in fact around the age he thought he was.

"Doctor, am I really sick?"

"No, you… we don't know", Kyoya relented, deciding to be honest with him. "You are not dying, your head just isn't working right".

"Is it because I'm a zero? Am I here to be cured?"

That made Kyoya's heart break again. The small hopefulness in his voice made him almost cry as well. That should never leave Kaoru's lips, never.

"Doctors can't treat something that isn't unhealthy or bad", Kyoya answered with as steady a voice as he could manage in his emotional state. "It is not about curing the incurable, it's more like trying to cure you of an organ. Sounds a little silly, doesn't it?"

Kaoru giggled a little at that.

"It is silly but everyone talks about curing me".

"They don't believe you can be cured because they are smarter than me, they believe you can be cured because they are scared. They don't have to be scared, I'm not scared. Especially not of you. We just want to make sure that you're happy and healthy, okay?"

"... okay… ".

Kyoya didn't know if he should have said any of that to Kaoru. Yes, the self-loathing that was very present as a child wasn't something good but would trying to convert Kaoru's opinions on himself influence his future memories? Would it be like the butterfly effect if this could be comparable to time traveling back in time? Obviously, the whole world wouldn't change because Kyoya hadn't in fact gone back in time, but would this change Kaoru? After some pondering, he came to the conclusion that it probably wouldn't because Kaoru always had all of his present-day memories returned when he came back to his usual age and would most likely either forget about this or easily explain this as something new. This was a completely different thing but he decided to be careful nonetheless.

"Can Hikaru visit me?" Kaoru suddenly inquired. "He must be worried".

"... this hospital is a special one and we are quite far from where your brother is. So unfortunately he can't really visit that often, but he will come eventually. I'm sure of it", Kyoya lied, not having anything better to come up with.

"Okay… I miss him".

"I know, he most likely misses you too. He does miss you too. The quicker you can get better, the sooner you can go back home to him".

"That's true… I'll be nice then".

"Weren't you nice before?" Kyoya couldn't help but tease. "Or do you mean that you'll work with us more seriously?"

"Yeah, that… Kyoya, why are we holding hands out here?" Kaoru asked in English, sounding more mature and panicked, but also a little like he had just been sleeping, and Kyoya beamed at him before letting go.

"I'm glad that you're back. Do you remember what's happening?"

"Wha-ehm… yeah… ", Kaoru confirmed sadly as they stopped walking. "I lose my memory sometimes… How old was I? Whose teddy bear is this?"

"We don't have an exact age but you were pretty young… the bear belongs to my colleague so please be careful with it".

"I will… why does this shit always happen to me", he sighed and Kyoya hugged him in a as friendly way as possible in case anyone walked past.

"I know it's really unfair but none of us have given up on your recovery… at least none of the doctors has given up", he said while letting go of him again.

"Hikaru. How even is he? Fuck, this must be ruining him, I need to ta-".

"Breathe, Kaoru, breathe. He isn't taking this so well but you can't be of as much help as you used to be. It's hurting him to see you without your memories and you need to stay in the hospital while we take tests and try to figure out how to fix this".

"Do you expect me to not talk to him at all?" Kaoru asked in disbelief, glaring. "He needs me! I can't just-".

"I'm not saying that you can't see him at all but for both of your sakes, you can't see each other too often. He is in your room, crying because it broke him to see you not remembering him. I don't think he can take too much of that", he told Kaoru despite how hurt and guilt-ridden the redhead looked after hearing it. "You need to get better for him, as soon as possible".

"I get that, I get that. Can I at least go and see him now? Before I will leave him more alone than he has ever been? Please, Kyoya. I know I should go to the hospital to start the tests and answer more questions but I need to make sure that he is alright while I'm still here. Please, I'll make it quick so I won't lose my memory while being with him".

"... alright, but remember to be quick. You don't seem to remember what happened back there, right?"

"I… I don't know… maybe a little? It's difficult to place the memories right now… ".

"Well he was distraught, immensely. I don't want to put stress on you but I think you deserve to know that he is not in a good place and hasn't been since your mind broke and you became-".

"Scattered. I appreciate you being honest with me. My guess is that no one thinks that they should help him either, right?" Kaoru asked bitterly while chuckling humorlessly, followed by a disgusted look playing on his face.

"They don't even think you should get psychological help and you were literally tortured and almost killed", Kyoya huffed, also displeased with the situation. "But I've heard talks about him getting retired, but it's nothing they will turn their attention to enough for any choice to be made on the matter until your matter is sorted out".

Kaoru looked extremely displeased and worried, subconsciously clutching the stuffed animal closer. He looked almost as helpless as he did when he thought he was a child.

"Are they considering sending him away without me? Because it sure as hell doesn't sound like they plan on sending me with him. He wouldn't survive that, they can't take him away".

"And we will fight them on that issue when it comes up seriously, but now the focus is on you and your recovery. You don't need to be concerned about the possibility of Hikaru leaving yet".

"But I do need to worry about my brother's well-being", Kaoru argued and started to walk back to the twins' room. Kyoya quickly followed.

"Of course, I'm not telling you to stop caring about him. I just want you to understand that you can't fully be his emotional support for a while. I know that he has no one else but he won't have much of you either right now".

"Why did I have to be the only person he trusts?" Kaoru angrily mumbled to himself.

"I wish I could be of more help, but I'm the least likely to get through to him. I'm not sure if I should be alone with him".

"Are you implying that he will attack you now?"

"I'm not accusing him but he did get into a fight recently if you remember".

"He didn't throw the first punch!"

"Wait, really?" Kyoya asked and had to walk quickly to keep up with Kaoru's increased pace. "No wait, I didn't mean it like that. Hikaru hasn't said a word about the fight since it happened and the witnesses didn't seem to be able to agree on who attacked who first. Most people seemed to think it was Duncan but I didn't know what to believe because Duncan hasn't been accused of being violent before. But I shouldn't be surprised that someone like him wasn't honest about this".

"Christ, fuck him! He should know that he is just making it more difficult for Hikaru by lying! Just because he was under the ridiculous assumption that I would put out if Hikaru didn't hold me back".

"He what?" Kyoya glared. "Has he been bothering you? And don't make me laugh, would Hikaru be able to do that?".

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you much about the situation with him", Kaoru apologized, calming down a little when he sensed that Kyoya's anger was rising. "He was creepy, yes, but I swear I never made him believe that I wanted him! At least not during our relationship. I have no idea why he thinks I want him. I promise I didn't cheat or lead him on".

"I know you wouldn't, but why didn't you tell me about this earlier?"

Kaoru analyzed his features with a sad and remorseful look upon his face.

"Because I didn't want to make you feel paranoid because I know that you have had a horrible past with ex-boyfriends. I didn't want to hurt you but I can see that I have now. I knew that you also would feel like you needed to take action if I told you how uncomfortable I was because you have done that before".

"There is a difference between a little creep and an abuser who seriously harmed you more than once", Kyoya pointed out with his arms crossed as they stopped outside of twins' rooms. "Duncan and Rai aren't the same".

None of them wanted to bring this argument to Hikaru despite the urgency; Kaoru's memory could disappear any second. The conversation turned quieter so he wouldn't hear. Kaoru bit his lip nervously.

"Yeah, I understand that but I still didn't want to risk an altercation and… and I guess I was a little selfish too. I wanted more friends, friends that I could be more chill with and not be worried about all the time. I lost Jiro, long before he died. I haven't had anything casual since. I'm carrying the weight of Hikaru's problems and I haven't been able to let him carry anything of mine. You and I have each other but you also have Tamaki and probably other friends. I have no one outside of you, and I should. You already carry so much of the weight of my problems and you shouldn't be. Even if I didn't tell Duncan a lot of my issues, it still felt like I had a friend I could lean on at least a little. It has nothing to do with you not being enough… I'm sorry".

"Kaoru", Kyoya breathed out, more morose than bitter.

Selfish jealousy at what Duncan tried to get from Kaoru and paranoia, grown from all the cheaters from his past, were still growling and trying to break through the surface, but Kyoya wouldn't let it budge. Kaoru had never been close to cheating, he knew that logically, and didn't have any suspicious reasoning behind his actions. Kyoya could understand how Kaoru felt. Despite unfairly thinking that he obviously should be the one Kaoru always went to, he knew that he himself needed Tamaki (and Haruhi) to function and not only when it came to relationships. He hadn't actually considered how alone Kaoru actually was. The younger male might have lived on the base most of his life among other boys around his age but that didn't mean that he had friends. It sounded like he hadn't really made any new friends during his whole stay, only being with the people he either entered the military with or got to know in the beginning of his stay. Probably because those were the only ones that knew that Kaoru was a zero and that he felt that he could trust. Perhaps he didn't trust non zeros just as much as Kyoya didn't trust zeros before. Kaoru did also get a lot of crap for being the zero used for the memory diving missions and he had been treated awfully beforehand too. No deep connections could have been made until after Kaoru came out as a zero. Holding onto Duncan, someone who didn't seem to care at all about Kaoru's zero status, was at the end of the day very understandable.

"I don't think you should apologize", Kyoya finally said with a sigh. "You didn't do anything bad to me as far as I'm concerned. You're the one whose only friend got into an altercation with your brother. I'm sorry that this happened".

Kaoru looked shocked but also relieved and appreciative. Getting into a fight over this was clearly something he had wanted to avoid. He was also glad that Kyoya took it so well and didn't get cross with him for being silent about things.

"It's my- it's my serum's fault that he is like this. At least I think so", Kaoru admitted, smile disappearing from his face. "I'm not trying to explain away his general behavior, just his emotional outburst. I could smell the serum all over it".

"It is not your fault", Kyoya told him firmly, not letting that slip-up pass him by. "But I can agree that the serum could be the culprit for Duncan's behavior… but it doesn't have to be. He could just have been your friend and played nice because he wanted more all along. A lot of people are like that, I've had several female acquaintances who stopped being friendly to me and accused me of lying to them after realizing that I was gay… then some of them wanted me to be their gay best friend… I'm clearly pretty 'straight-looking' so I don't understand why the friendship would be much different… sorry, went off on a tangent".

"I believe Hikaru would say the same about it, but I don't know… a lot of people seem to become dickheads because of the serum, it can't just be a coincidence… ".

"Perhaps but to me, it sounds like the serum just enhances already existing traits. Hikaru was overprotective beforehand and Jiro was most likely depressed about his situation beforehand as well with his father and all. Do you think it's possible that he was trying to be nice to get closer to you in a non-friendly way but it got worse with time? Instead of accepting that you were just going to stay as friends, he became more and more convinced that he still had a chance?"

"Maybe… ", Kaoru relented, sounding a little like he thought what Kyoya suggested seemed plausible. "Can we maybe continue this another time? I need to see Hikaru before I forget him again".

"I understand", Kyoya nodded before they went in.

Like Kaoru had said previously, he didn't stay long. He sat there holding Hikaru for some time as the older twin was crying and being a little absent-minded. It did worry Kyoya even more that Hikaru wasn't desperately holding onto Kaoru back and mostly being limp. He decided to maybe check in with Hikaru from time to time to make sure that he took care of himself. No matter how angry Hikaru would be with him as a result.

Kyoya pulled Kaoru away without much resistance from Hikaru when he recognized the sudden tense body language; he was losing his memory again. The young doctor nearly managed to take Kaoru and the stuffed animal out of the room before the younger male, who was complaining beforehand about being taken away, blinked confused and turned to look at Kyoya.

"Kyoya?" He said, looking a little nervous and startled. "What are you doing here? People might suspect something".

"Hmmm… Let me guess, the last thing you remember is that you and I are casually having sex? When it comes to our relationship I mean".

"E-eh… yeah?"

"Well, at least you remember me", Kyoya sighed, grabbed Kaoru's hand and started to take the flustered and confused boy away from there and towards the hospital.

He knew that he was probably making things a little difficult for Kaoru with the sudden (for this version of Kaoru) affection, but he didn't think this was the time to explain everything. It was better to wait until they were at the hospital. The thought of how this Kaoru would react to them being together was quite funny and interesting so hopefully, he would get the chance to reveal it later… Maybe he shouldn't though. Kaoru would be less confident with him, especially if he didn't think that Kyoya knew that he was a zero which could make him meeker. Kyoya was desperate to properly hold his boyfriend but not enough to have Kaoru think that he had to. Even if Kaoru understood that Kyoya knew about his zero status, he could still be very insecure because he hadn't been able to fully accept how little Kyoya cared about that yet.

"Where are you taking me?" Kaoru asked with a voice that suggested that he wanted to ask if this was a booty call but didn't in fear of making a fool out of himself.

"I'm taking you to the hospital".

"The hospital?" Kaoru repeated in incomprehension, visibly slightly disappointed that he wouldn't get laid and Kyoya chuckled. "Why are we going there?"

"They will explain to you more thoroughly when we get there, but you have suffered memory loss. More time has passed than you think", Kyoya decided to explain and Kaoru's face scrunched up in confusion and disbelief for a moment before his eyes widened and his mouth fell open.

"Is-is that why you asked if that last I remember was-?"

"Indeed, but this is only temporary. You're sort of going back and forth, except that you don't always go back to the same age. This is the first time you are this age, 17 I believe?"

"Y-yeah… wait- what age am I actually!?"

"18, it's not that far into the future for you", Kyoya assured as calmingly as he could since he could sense that Kaoru was starting to hyperventilate. "We haven't been able to do any tests and start to work on your memory yet so I can't say that we are close to solving this but we are supposed to start now".

"I-is this really f-fixable? Are you sure?" Kaoru asked, eyes full of hopefulness which made Kyoya feel guilty despite not lying to him.

"We believe so but, like I said, we haven't been able to do any tests yet. We aren't pessimistic about this and you shouldn't be either. We know that this is related to your powers, which can make it a lot easier to treat because that makes it separate from your brain in a way", Kyoya clarified, not realizing what he was saying.

"My powers? You kn-know?" Kaoru almost squeaked, appearing completely overwhelmed by the situation.

"Yes, I have for some time now. Present you know that I know too so this isn't the first time you're made aware that I am not in the dark anymore. But I realize that I was still springing this upon you so suddenly after revealing something so tragic and I apologize".

"It's okay but… you seem so unbothered… ".

"About you being a zero? Trust me, I've had enough time to work out my issues with that. I actually am unbothered, okay?"

"Okay… God, don't tell me that teddy bear was for me".

Weeks passed by and Kaoru's condition didn't get any better. Arguably it became worse. Not memory-wise, fortunately, but he started to have episodes where he appeared catatonic, almost like a statue. It appeared in week three when they were trying to take blood and couldn't retract the needle because he tensed up too much. At first, they thought he was having a panic attack because he had been in an age they hadn't met enough times but after trying to calm him down for a while they realized that wasn't the issue.

"Kaoru?" A nurse called, trying to get his attention, but he was just staring blankly in front of him. "Kaoru, can you hear me?"

Nurses and doctors surrounded him. As soon as they could take the needle out and put a plaster on the wound, they rushed to examine and try to make contact with him. If Kyoya had been present he would have broken down and had another panic attack.

They almost called it quits and assumed Kaoru would be stuck like this when he finally started to move again, rather confused over everyone's fussing. The same thing happened from time to time after that and when it didn't get worse they just accepted it as something else he just had to deal with. The theory was that it was his mind trying to take breaks from all the stress it was put through. That brought a little relief in a way because it suggested that his body wasn't giving up.

"I don't know for long I can take this", Kaoru told Kyoya when they were alone in his hospital room.

His hair was disheveled and greasy from the lack of time and energy to shower, his eyes were empty and sorrowful simultaneously and his lips were dried and cracked with several bite marks embedded like disgusting decorations.

"You will fight through this, for yourself, for Hikaru and for me", Kyoya mumbled.

He took his hand, raised it to his mouth and placed a chaste kiss on the knuckles. In that moment he couldn't care less if anyone walked in and saw them.

"Am I strong enough for that? I hate having these memory gaps, I hate getting my memories mixed up. Can't even tell which memories are my own or which are memories from other poor fuckers I've invaded".

"We will fix that too, we are not giving up on you. You can't give up either. I love you".

Kaoru's eyes started to fill up with tears and the hold on Kyoya's hand tightened. His whole body was shaking with sobs and Kyoya leaned down to rest his forehead against his for a moment as he continued to whisper encouraging words.

"B-but why?" Kaoru sniffled when Kyoya pulled back. "Wh-why would you l-love me like th-this!?" He exclaimed and Kyoya was stunned by what he had said.

After the initial confusion washed away, sadness took over. He leaned down and sat on the bed so he could properly embrace Kaoru. Kaoru's insecurities made him try to push Kyoya away but he quickly gave up and reciprocated the hug, desperately.

"I said that I would still love you if you forgot me, remember?" Kyoya whispered in his ear and Kaoru cried harder, but out of relief this time around.

The redhead buried his face in Kyoya's chest and told him over and over again how much he loved him back. His voice sounded muffled but Kyoya could still make out the words. The young doctor smiled down at him, comfortingly, as he ran his fingers through his boyfriend's messy and unwashed hair.

It wasn't like Kaoru didn't have his reasons to doubt everything and not just because the stress made him less like himself. So far they haven't gotten much closer to solving Kaoru's issues despite how much time they had spent on him with, what felt like for Kaoru, hundreds of tests.

Some tests were easier to perform than others. Taking enough blood to destroy Kaoru's veins, taking several pee samples, several different x-rays, body exams and other physical tests were easy enough. At least when Kaoru was in an old enough age because toddler Kaoru would just break down crying at the scary needles and needed a lot of assurance. Kyoya had never been too affected when his kid patients cried during these kinds of things because there was nothing to be concerned about and it would surely freak the kids out even more if the doctor showed uncertainty and anxiety. It was more difficult to stay professional with Kaoru because of how scared and confused he was; breaking Kyoya's heart. Child Kaoru didn't have anyone super close to him that would be a perfect comfort either, which made it worse. Luckily, Kyoya wasn't the doctor who primarily did those tests, especially considering how much Kaoru begged them to stop. It was hard to get anything from Kaoru verbally because nothing he could give them answered their questions, only sufficed how wrong the hospital had been to realize him so quickly. Unfortunately, it became abundantly clear that none of the tests was going to give them anything; they needed more tests suitable for zeros. Which Kyoya learned could be quite weird and there weren't many of them. The doctors did several tests on Kaoru's eyes and nerves, tests Kyoya had thought were unsafe or impossible before this. The new tests showed something but that something was just that he didn't work the way he was supposed to. Which wasn't more than they already knew, but it was something. The previous tests didn't really show any abnormality at all. It became clear that they needed to do even more research on this subject than they had thought… at least it felt like it until one genius suggested something they should have thought about already.

"So, we all know that this isn't something that should happen naturally at this point, right?" A doctor, Kyoya believed he was called Pierre, said. "Which means that something unnatural must have messed up his system. I have been thinking, the Boys are being affected in an unnatural way from a serum that's not supposed to be in their systems… Does Kaoru take something like that? Is there any medication that might have messed something up? Zeros can't take medication the way we take it so it could be a too high dose of ibuprofen for all we know".

"That's not a bad theory", Matthews commented. "But we couldn't find anything that sticks out in his system and I don't believe anyone has given him more medicine than allowed… but there is something we have given him for a while now that hasn't been tested out properly".

Everyone got silent in realization for a while before Kyoya spoke up;

"The activator?" He asked, stomach churning. "But he hasn't taken it for some time, right? Why would it cause him problems now?"

"We are only spitballing here but not every issue presents itself right away, sometimes it needs a significant trigger", Matthews estimated.

"The pain simulator?"

"It could have been building up before that", Pierre interjected. "Maybe he wasn't cut out for the treatment after all".

Kyoya felt the anger brew inside of him at that but Matthews cut in before he could voice his thoughts.

"We can't know that for sure until further research on the activator and how it affected Kaoru long term, but that's plausible. The treatment he went through did entail digging into his memories. The activator must have overstimulated his powers too much for them not to be significantly disturbed by any interference".

"Maybe it's not the activator itself", doctor Heintz chimed in. "We know that it's dangerous for a zero to not use their powers enough, maybe he was forced to use them too often? Maybe it's bad to force a zero to use their powers in general? I'm not saying that we should ignore the possibility that the activator itself is the issue, I'm just trying to open up more doors. We need to investigate as much as we can".

Thinking about it, Kyoya could remember that Kaoru has had memory issues pretty far back when he couldn't remember correctly where he and Hikaru lived when they were children because he confused another person's memories with his own. He couldn't quite remember when but it had happened a while ago. The warning signs had truly been there for a while, probably since way before Kaoru told Kyoya about the aforementioned occurrence.

"We should question Kaoru about if he has an issue with knowing which memories are his and which are others'" Kyoya chimed in, most likely in the middle of a conversation because he hadn't paid attention. "I believe it's something that Kaoru mentioned to me before but I didn't know that it wouldn't be normal because of my lack of knowledge on this subject. I mean, non-zeros confuse memories all the time. Maybe that could give us more insight into how confused his mind is and for how long it has been a problem".

"Sounds good", Matthews confirmed with a nod. "That could help with our activator theory, there being signs before… I know we haven't tried this out yet but this is the least helpless I've felt since we started".

"I agree", Heintz said. "But at the same time, it doesn't feel so nice if the serum we have given him is the reason behind this… ".

"We didn't have much of a choice but hopefully, if this is the culprit, we can prevent this from happening again".

"Should we look into previous zeros who have used the serum?" Kyoya suggested. "I know Kaoru is our first memory zero and that he is pretty rare but maybe we can find a pattern regardless. I can take care of that aspect since you are the experts on the activator and such".

"Not a bad idea", Perrera quipped.

"Indeed. We will give you the material you'll need", Matthews told Kyoya.

There was a chance they only went so hard on this theory because they really didn't have anything else, which meant that they all could be reaching. However, Kyoya felt hope brewing inside of him, filling him with much-needed determination. He hadn't lied every time he tried to fill Kaoru with more faith but it became increasingly more and more difficult to lift his spirit, even a little. This good news could probably replace some of the despair inside of them with relief and take them further away from wanting to give up.

"That's good but I have a question", Kyoya spoke up again.

"Yes?" Matthews prompted.

"What will you do if it turns out that the activator is immensely harmful? You can't possibly continue to use it".

"We don't make decisions on that", Pierre pointed out. "But I suspect the scientists would need to tweak it to try to remove the unwanted effects".

"And if it's still harmful?"

"Then they will tweak it again. I don't know how many times until it's decided that it's not going to work".

"But they might not need to go that far. The less frightened people become of zeros the less we can get away with being careless with zero's lives", Matthews reminded them, sensing that Kyoya didn't like the nihilistic response. "But we cross that bridge when we get to it. Now we need to focus on curing Kaoru, okay?"

"Okay", Kyoya said begrudgingly.

Kyoya awoke from a fever-like dream. The side of his face, moist with sweat, was pressed down against his desk. He slowly sat up, feeling the imprints his notebook had left in the skin of his cheek, and the glasses were lopsided on his face. The glasses were immediately straightened and he felt a small wave of relief at the fact that he hadn't damaged them. His thoughts were muffled and clouded and exhaustion tugged at him, trying to drag him back into unconsciousness, but he fought back vehemently and tried to force his focus back on the piles and piles of notes, journals and books scattered around him. He lost track of time days ago and refused to actually check how much had passed.

The doctors, and some scientists that decided to join after a while when their theory appeared to have merit, were working furiously. As someone who was close to Kaoru, he didn't take nearly as many breaks as his colleagues did despite being nowhere near as useful. His time was spent studying, assisting and translating when Kaoru spoke Japanese. First, Kyoya had gone through all of the earlier cases related to the activator but didn't find much. The activator hadn't been used a lot and some of the zeros died because of unrelated causes, but there could be a pattern. All of the zeros who had been on it were reported as defective eventually, earlier than their peers, and couldn't be used after a certain amount of time. It wasn't definitive proof of course but it was something that they could go on. Except for those cases, Kyoya had gone through pages and pages of anything that could be related to the issue, no matter how small the thing that connected them was. He had gone through cases regarding scattered zeros, what issues were common in zeros both physically and psychologically and everything he could find about mind-type zeros and the Richter vine itself. He couldn't claim that he didn't learn anything at all during his research though he thought he understood people like Kaoru better, but nothing told him how to fix this mess. At least nothing he didn't know before like that everything that went wrong with a zero's powers was usually related to damage to the Richter vine; he could have guessed that. Kyoya never understood why people wanted to be the ones to discover new things, disorders and whatnot, because then you didn't have years of material, research and developed medicine. He had never been as furious with the world as he was at that moment, furious that everyone decided to focus more on getting rid of zeros than actually studying them.

Despite how he felt and all the tears of stress he had shed, he always made sure to not show anything in front of Kaoru who barely spoke at this point. When no tests were being performed, Kyoya tried his best to just be upbeat and affectionate with Kaoru. He wouldn't be surprised by this point if the other doctors were suspecting something because he cared less and less what they thought. Kaoru needed the attention to be able to float above water.

Hikaru wasn't faring much better either; stopped talking altogether and barely ate. Kyoya did keep the promise he made to himself and had checked up on him a couple of times. The older twin either ignored him or went off at him (which Kyoya thought was an improvement if you asked him). Although the added burden of looking after his boyfriend's brother was putting too much on his plate, it was also rewarding, especially when Kaoru asked about Hikaru and Kyoya could give more certain answers. Hikaru visiting and talking to Kaoru himself would undoubtedly have been preferable but after a few initial visits, Hikaru couldn't bother anymore. Kyoya could understand why, of course he could, but it did grate on him how Hikaru refused to see Kaoru at all. It wasn't helping any of them in the end.

"I believe I am drained of enough energy to think it's a good idea to drag him to the hospital myself", Kyoya told himself and stood up, almost falling over out of sudden bouts of fleeting nausea from standing up too quickly.

His head pounded from a particularly bad headache so staying in his room might have been the best option because his state of mind would make him way less patient than he needed. However, his current state of mind always prevented him from thinking logically enough to choose the best option. The anger that grew from the stress from the lack of progress made him feel like he needed to pull Hikaru by the ear. Tamaki had mentioned during their latest call that Kyoya was turning scary in another way while tired nowadays and Kyoya could see that.

Kyoya stumbled across the room and left. Danger clearly oozed from his aura, making people avoid him more than usual when he walked by. It was truly a superpower, even if it didn't always work on the people he wanted it to work on (Tamaki). At least the people around him made him aware that he wasn't so off that he was about to disturb Hikaru in the middle of the night. Not that he cared particularly much about that, he wasn't in his right mind after all.

He felt someone staring at him when he entered the Boys' area. Barely a fleeting glance was spared in that person's direction and he thought it could have been Duncan, but it could also have been another blonde Boy.

"Any news about Kaoru?" Kyoya thought that he heard the Boy ask; definitely Duncan then.

Duncan was promptly ignored for several reasons. Kyoya didn't have any positive news to give, a small part of him didn't think Duncan deserved to know more than anyone else who wasn't directly involved, he didn't want to stay and chat and he had something to do. The annoying boy called a couple of more times, going from juvenile curiosity to increasingly more and more annoyed and demanding. That almost made Kyoya want to go back and give him a piece of his mind. Duncan wasn't entitled to anything he believed he was entitled to. Nevertheless, Kyoya kept on walking, hoping that he wouldn't be followed.

He kept going until he reached a familiar door. Normally, he would knock but he knew that Hikaru didn't always answer when he was in there and Kyoya refused to meekly retreat without being sure that Hikaru was indeed out. So, he opened the door and let his eyes wander across the room. The first thing he noticed was that both beds were empty (Hikaru seemed to spend most of his time in either of them and as someone who was still mad that he didn't have a sweatshirt or something else Kaoru owned, Kyoya could understand). He did hear someone moving and moved his attention to the source of the noise, the bathroom door. The light was on in the bathroom and Kyoya could… he froze in place before he forced his body into action. He almost threw the door open but prevented himself from doing so before he could make such a foolish mistake. Luckily, even without his mind working properly, he acted immediately. He did grab the door handle but he also grabbed Hikaru's shoulder. The smaller male protesting and fighting against him, as a result, was a good sign. Kyoya pulled the door open gently while simultaneously dragging Hikaru from the ground (less gently). Hikaru was also pulled backward with the door so Kyoya could get enough room to try to remove the belt around the redhead's pale neck. Of course, Hikaru was fighting him every step of the way but Kyoya was bigger, stronger and even angrier. There was a little bit of a struggle but not much and Hikaru was soon lying on the floor, crying while coughing. He also managed to shout abuse at Kyoya between those coughs while Kyoya was getting rid of the belt and trying to examine the injuries. The young doctor concluded that Hikaru would be fine but that there would be visible bruises.

"F-fuck you!" Hikaru croaked.

Kyoya had to stop himself from yelling like a madman at him for daring to do something like that. Enough self-awareness was left to realize that there was a better way to go about this somewhere and that he would only make things worse by opening his mouth. Instead, he sat down on the floor, in front of the door to the room so Hikaru couldn't leave while the shorter male continued to cry and curse.

Hikaru eventually just cried after mumbling something inaudible with a melancholic look on his face and they were like that for a while. The fury that burned within Kyoya became smaller and smaller until mostly sadness and pity remained. Clearly, waiting before talking had been the superior idea. The small amount of rest he gave himself on the floor could also have made him able to think more clearly.

"I'm not mad or disappointed", Kyoya stated. "And I know you want to say that you don't care about what I think and perhaps you don't, but I believe you should hear me say this anyway. I'm not judging you".

"I don't care", Hikaru redundantly responded and Kyoya had to conceal his unpreventable eye roll.

"I'm still the only person you can talk to because I doubt you talk to Shinohara anymore. He is worried about you just so you know. He doesn't say it but he asks about you on the few occurrences he and I speak. I'm too busy looking after your brother to talk to him properly, but it's not that hard to tell".

"Shinohara cares more about his job than me. He is only annoyed that I'm shortening his work hours".

"That is not true but he isn't the one you should think about anyway. Why did you think this was a good idea?"

"Leave me alone, Kyoya".

"No, I don't think I should. I clearly can't trust you alone".

"Fuck off".

"Kaoru still loves you, you know", Kyoya told him and he actually looked affected by his words for once in their conversation.

"He doesn't remember me!" Hikaru exclaimed, glaring daggers at Kyoya. "And when he does he is so fucking sad and I can't do anything except waiting for him to die! H-he is going somewhere and I'm not coming with h-him".

Kyoya didn't quite understand what he meant by the last part but he understood the rest perfectly fine.

"He isn't dying. This isn't Alzheimers, he is not forgetting how to function and he hasn't forgotten you- no keep quiet and don't interrupt. He asks for you at every age. 'Is Hikaru visiting soon? Can you send him this picture I drew of him?' 'I haven't seen Hikaru in a while, is he alright? Is he on a mission?' 'The needles are scary. I want Hikaru here!' 'Am I too ill for Hikaru to visit me?' 'Is Hikaru doing alright? I know this must be so hard on him. Please tell him that I understand' and so on. Just because he can't always recognize you does not mean that he forgets how much you mean to him, not like he does with me. He only knows I love him when he is 18 but he knows that you love him at every age. Do you know how much this would hurt him? He is fighting so damn hard, needing every assurance he can get and you have given up on him so much that you've given up on yourself! What did you expect!? That I would go to the most important person to me and tell him that the most important person to him left him like this!?"

Kyoya was well aware that he was shouting at this point and that the kicked puppy look on Hikaru's face that increasingly became more and more devastated might not have been the response someone in his situation should have given. However, he was taking the only road he thought would get through to him. Kyoya didn't know how Kaoru comforted Hikaru and Hikaru wouldn't be very receptive even if he did.

"I know you don't give a damn if I have to live with your suicide on my

conscience but you care about Kaoru, right? I don't know if you're selfish enough to expect him to follow you but you would put him through more suffering than anything that's happening to him now!"

"Shut the fuck up Kyoya! Don't talk about him!"

"Because you don't want to hear the truth!?"

"Why wouldn't you be happy about being the only one!?" He spat back, fire igniting within him.

"The only one, what? For him? Because I'm not the only one! Why can't you understand that!? Kaoru's heart is big enough for the both of us! I could even argue that more space is left for you. He can move on without me but he can't move on without you!"

"You don't know that!" Hikaru yelled back, eyes getting wetter.

"I do know that! Do you honestly think he loves me more!? How do you think he would react to this!? Tell me!"

"He would forget about it!"

"You know that isn't true! Why would I lie to you!? Why would I admit that I'm not number one to Kaoru! Use your head, Hikaru, you are not foolish!"

Hikaru looked like he wanted to argue for the sake of arguing but couldn't come up with anything. His eyes went from Kyoya to a point in front of him. The longer the silence passed the more he calmed down and let the words Kyoya had said sink in. Or at least that's what Kyoya assumed but he could be giving him the benefit of the doubt. However, he didn't lie when he said that Hikaru wasn't foolish. Emotional, yes, but not foolish.

"I won't tell Kaoru about this of course", Kyoya said after a while and Hikaru didn't react. "It's not my place to do so and if this isn't going to be a recurring issue then I will respect your wishes to keep quiet about it", Kyoya added and this time around Hikaru did turn to look at him again with an unreadable expression. "Of course I would have to visit you more often. I would also feel less inclined to tell Shinohara or anyone else about this situation if you… if you try to be around me more - yes, I know, it's not pleasant for me either but trust me it's for the best. I haven't told you this but they are already discussing your retirement and this would certainly make that choice for them".

"Retire me? Without Kaoru!?" Hikaru asked, panicked.

"Yes, so you need to be careful. Will you accept my help?"

"I don't… I don't trust you".

"I know and you don't need to, but Kaoru doesn't want you dead, I don't want you dead and I don't think you want it deep down either. We will fix this, okay? Believe what you want about me but I. Will. Help. You. Understand that?"

Hikaru pressed his lips together, tightly, and he looked down at the ground silently. Kyoya knew that he had put another weight on his own shoulders, heavier than before, but he had no choice.

"I have r-really h-hurt him, haven't I-I?" Hikaru quietly asked, immediately pulling Kyoya's attention back to him.

The young doctor noted that Hikaru looked calmer and more composed than he had ever done before. His disheveled appearance and bloodshot eyes added to the illusion that he had just woken up from a deep, deep sleep.

"I keep hurting him and I can't stop", Hikaru continued. "I see so much danger… but I'm actually the danger, aren't I? I keep telling myself that you're awful and I keep seeing you do awful things… but when I try to imagine someone else in your place… all I see is that that person must be awful too. Even so, I still can't believe that you aren't a bad person, that everyone isn't bad. I don't know what to believe but I do know that I'm not good for him".

"But you can be, you will be. Just don't give up. We will make this work… will you try? Please tell me that you'll at least try".

Hikaru was in a stubborn silence with his hands absentmindedly stroking his sore throat gently. Kyoya wished that he could have started this whole conversation over so he could have chosen better words and been less accusatory and rude. It did still feel like tough love was the best way to go for Kyoya as someone Hikaru couldn't trust, but was putting so much pressure on him to stay alive to not hurt Kaoru the correct way to go about it? Perhaps he should have talked more about how important Hikaru's life was in general and not just in relation to Kaoru. However, Hikaru would not have taken Kyoya seriously if he shallowly preached about how important it was for Hikaru to stay alive for himself and Kaoru was the most treasured person to him. Hence why it made sense to bring Kaoru up but it also brought up the possibility of Hikaru only trying as long as Kaoru wasn't dying (or as long as he didn't think that Kaoru is dying). This wasn't a permanent solution but what else was he supposed to say?

"I'll try", Hikaru finally answered to Kyoya's surprise. "I'll try".

General Rai was sitting in his office like usual, face buried in his hands and fingers in his thin and greasy hair, ruining his already mistreated haircut. The last drop of hope about everything turning back to normal for him had finally dried out and he knew his days were numbered. He had lasted surprisingly long.

The way he was feeling currently, defeated, was only the end stage of the journey he had to go through after he realized that it was over. At first, he tried to convince everyone (himself) that it wasn't that bad, then he tried to put more of the blame on Kaoru (which even he was disgusted by), then he started to yell and demand to speak with someone and after that, he trashed his office. The chair he was sitting on was the only piece of furniture that wasn't broken in some way and the picture of his wife in the frame in front of him was the only piece of paper not torn. His desk had scratches and broken drawers, its content emptied, and around him were the scattered mess from his rampage. Surely he would be reprimanded for the damages this time around but he couldn't spare that much of a thought. Having nothing left to destroy and no one left to scream at, he was completely alone with himself.

It was difficult to justify things to himself anymore. He wanted to be mad at Kyoya for ratting him out but he did share information that was classified at the time. Still, telling his superiors was unnecessary… or maybe it wasn't.

Rai didn't know what had overcome him when he decided to ensure that Kaoru would be punished for something he had no proof of him doing. Perhaps Rai felt that it was unjust that Kaoru didn't get punished enough for the pain he had caused him. But even the general could understand that he had gone too far, especially after hearing through the grapevine that Kaoru's mind was broken, maybe permanently. That fact had filled Rai with much more sorrow and guilt than he had expected, more than he had felt in a long time. Of course, he didn't believe that Kaoru was as innocent as everyone else did, but he knew that he had done something horrible to the teenager; he helped to destroy him. That was something even he couldn't pretend wasn't true. Rai lied and it cost both his job and Kaoru's sanity. Yes, he didn't believe it was fully his fault that he lost his employment because there could have been some leniency if he hadn't been "smeared" (tattled on) until now, but he should have been the bigger person (decent for once) and not taken the opportunity to smear Kaoru back. The redhead might have been 18 now but he was still very much a child who didn't know better. Rai wasn't supposed to stoop down to that level; he was the adult.

"It never ends, does it?" He said to himself matter of factly with his previous shed tears drying out his eyes. "I'm always gonna suffer… always… ever since you left".

He looked down at the picture of his wife. She looked so happy, so young. Why couldn't he be there? Be young with her? Why did he have to grow old without her? Especially now when there was nothing left?

Rai backed up his chair a little bit to give himself room to stand up but hit something behind him instead; one of the broken drawers. It was lying upside down. The sound it emitted when it was disturbed by the wheels of the chair suggested that something was under it, something big and heavy. He spun the chair around until his feet were planted on each side of the cracked wooden drawer. Callous fingers gripped the edge and lifted it up, quickly taking the object underneath before placing it down again gently, more gently than he had handled anything else in his life. Rai sat up straight again and turned the chair around again so he could rest his elbows on the desk, fumbling with the gun in his hand for a while before he loaded it.