A/N: Five chapters left and another double upload!
Even if the situation is sad, it was pretty fun for me to write toddler Kaoru's lines.
Chapter 17. Journey.
Kyoya would have described this as interesting if the word didn't sound so vague and positive. He hadn't slept properly in so long but now he felt so awake, yet numb. Not numb because he was extremely bothered by what had happened, more so numb because he wasn't sure about how to feel about it. Happy? Should he have felt happy about it? Or angry perhaps? He was clearly conflicted. The only thing he knew for sure was that he felt overwhelming panic at the thought of Kaoru finding out. It had been fine to take the risk and tell when Hikaru was particularly inquisitive about the chaos that had clearly erupted around him, but he wasn't in the same position as Kaoru. Initially, the older twin was stunned and befuddled, maybe even horrified at how familiar this was to his previous situation. But he was never sad or guilt-ridden, never that, hence why Kaoru would have to stay in the dark for as long as possible. Of course, Kyoya left out one piece of information solely for Hikaru's own sake. A piece that hinted that something even more sinister could have occurred, something that would have set Hikaru so much further back.
Things had already been tense before this happened. Kyoya had started to truly babysit Hikaru, forcing him to accompany him almost everywhere, tried his best to make him eat and take care of himself and also tried to come up with distractions. Begrudgingly, Kyoya had let Hikaru use the art supplies meant for Kaoru and he had put several books into Hikaru's slightly mangled hands (it was easy to conclude that he had broken his fingers several times). Giving the suicidal redhead pens and papers had been a risky move on Kyoya's part because his previous injuries had clearly made drawing a more grueling task. The young doctor hadn't seen any of Hikaru's other drawings so he didn't have any frame of reference, but he did assume there must have been a noticeable decline in the quality of his artworks. However, if Hikaru was immensely bothered by this he hid it better than he had ever hidden any of his emotions. Actually, Kyoya could almost swear that he did enjoy it in a way you would when you picked up an old hobby and wonder why you ever stopped doing it. Still, he was weary. Hikaru still didn't visit Kaoru but Kyoya decided to give him time and not push the issue. To summarize how it was with Hikaru and all, it had felt like Kyoya was constantly walking on eggshells and that he was around a bomb that could go off at any moment, but it was still decently calm in a way, not peaceful but calm nonetheless… well until this happened of course.
The military base, at least the area Kyoya was placed in, was usually not a very loud environment. Yes, a rogue zero had been killed months ago, several violent outbursts had occurred and it was rather stressful right now, but otherwise not much actually happened. So when a gunshot echoed through the halls, everything started moving and moving fast. The soldiers were sent out to search while the others had to hurry back to their rooms and lock their doors. Obviously, not everyone could be in their own rooms, Hikaru had to stay in Kyoya's while both of them just wanted to go and check up on Kaoru. Which turned out to not have been a stupid idea.
It took hours but eventually, the news made it around that the General was deceased. Not long after that, it was made public that it had most likely been done by his own hand; no one had to worry about some secret murderer. Rai's office had been locked from the inside and every possible hiding place in his office has been searched thoroughly. The General had just been found with a warm gun in one hand and a picture frame in the other. Initially, Kyoya was mostly surprised and a little angry that the General had taken that way out instead of properly facing the consequences of his actions. It was completely different from Hikaru's situation; no sympathy could be spared here. However, when it was revealed that Rai had actually tried to visit Kaoru in the hospital before committing suicide, Kyoya's blood turned to ice. Did that mean that Kaoru could have been killed too in some sort of sick murder-suicide? Or did he want to pressure Kaoru into forgiving him with either physical and emotional blackmail before he died? Thank goodness that the hospital staff had enough common sense to not let Kaoru's abuser in. Kyoya assumed they knew Rai very well because he had no faith in the receptionist being able to look Kaoru up in the database (even if Kaoru's name should have been easier to spell than Kyoya's). Thinking about what could have happened, Kyoya really wanted to go and see Kaoru. Not just because he felt that he could have lost him again, but also to make sure that no one messed up by telling the emotionally exhausted male what was going on. He almost prayed that they did have enough sense to keep quiet.
"Is it messed up if I'm kind of relieved?" Hikaru asked after a long and tense silence on both ends.
He was seated on Kyoya's living room couch with papers scattered in front of him on the table.
"Relieved that he is gone, you mean?" Kyoya clarified and Hikaru nodded.
"I do wish that he got a more proper punishment for hurting Kaoru and others while making us believe that he had every right to do so, but I feel like Kaoru is a lot safer now. He won't be able to properly hate Rai for a long time, but that old bastard was a disgusting human being who would have been able to live, completely fine, if he had gotten Kaoru killed".
Despite his utter disdain for the deceased, Kyoya wasn't sure if Rai would have been completely fine with that, but maybe there was just a small part of him that wished and hoped that the man suffered from guilt over what he had done in his last moment in life.
"I don't think it's bad for you to feel that way. That man proved himself to be an almost constant danger. I know they planned on letting him go but they waited ridiculously long to do so. He can't hurt Kaoru anymore so I understand why you are relieved".
"Are you relieved too?"
"I don't feel like I have to fear him doing anything to Kaoru ever again. I don't feel any sympathy either… if me saying that even makes you feel better about this".
Hikaru had probably been convinced that Kyoya was the devil at some point or another after all; so them relating on something couldn't have been too assuring. Kyoya's mistake.
"Right… I… I don't see any reason to feel sad about him… ".
"He never gave you a reason to. Perhaps in the beginning but he hasn't been a good person for as long as I've known him".
"I'm not sure when the switch between good and bad happened with him… ".
"I believe that is saying more than you'd think".
"Maybe… Kaoru can't know about this, right?"
"I don't feel good about hiding it either but he is not in the correct mindset to take it. Perhaps if he only disliked Rai and didn't have any positive feelings towards him he could have handled it, but now it would make things too difficult".
"Yeah… Is it also bad that I'm gonna be so damn pissed if people start to act like they were too hard on Rai now? Like they suddenly forget that he had done horrible things just because he took this way out?"
"The thought is fairly infuriating… ".
"Yes, and… I just thought… how would people have acted if this was me? Would they be secretly happy about it like I am about Rai or would they be filled with shallow pity and guilt just because I would go that way too?"
Kyoya hesitated for a moment, going over his words carefully.
"Neither. The people who don't know you won't be happy about your passing, but they might be a little sad because you're so young and have been very helpful. It's not personal, I wouldn't have many people to mourn me either because I don't have many loved ones. The people who do know you, however, would be genuinely sad. Rai doesn't have any loved ones. You and Rai are completely different people".
"But both of us have hurt Kaoru and Kaoru still cares about us… you don't think Kaoru should be sad over Rai, I don't feel like he should be sad over Rai… should Kaoru- ?"
"Stop it. As I said, you are two different people".
"Who has caused Kaoru so much pain… ".
"Have I ever threatened you to stay away from Kaoru?" Kyoya suddenly asked.
"What? … no?" Hikaru answered, perplexed, but a look of horror, and something akin to what Kyoya assumed someone would look like if they had been literally stabbed in the back, quickly took over. "B-but I-I did-".
"I did threaten Rai", Kyoya quickly interrupted before Hikaru could continue; he hadn't meant for the older twin to think about that.
Hikaru stopped talking. He looked incredulous and baffled.
"What?"
"I threatened him to try to stop him from putting his hands on Kaoru. I knew Rai was a great danger to him… I never thought about you the same way. Not just because you're Kaoru's brother and he wouldn't appreciate that… he honestly didn't appreciate that I tried to fight his battles for him with either Rai… anyway, he is safe with you even if you don't always make the choices that are best for him. Why would I be dishonest with you?"
"Because of- because of-".
"Because I care about your brother? No? Do you still think I would go through all of this trouble because of perversion? I don't like the things you have done and I agree that you have done harmful things but I've harmed Kaoru too. Just like you, I didn't want to hurt him but I did. For example when I couldn't accept that he was still the same person after it came out that he was a zero. I'm overjoyed that Rai is gone and, as you said, Kaoru still likes him. But Kaoru will definitely get over him in time… he won't with you because he sees something genuinely good in you".
Kyoya hoped Hikaru would leave it and not question further if Kaoru should have cared about him or not. To be honest, Kyoya couldn't tell yet if Hikaru was good for Kaoru or not, at least in the present time. But he had some level of faith in Hikaru and believed Hikaru had the right to change and redeem himself. Was that bias because Hikaru was Kaoru's twin brother while Rai was just some old man? He didn't know and he didn't want to think about it.
Luckily, Hikaru looked too tired to continue, but was also unfortunately unconvinced. Despite how cumbersome it was for Kyoya to try to persuade someone who couldn't be persuaded by him, he was a little more satisfied with what he said this time around.
"I'll try not to attack Rai's sympathizers", Hikaru joked out of the blue, taking Kyoya aback for the moment by the sudden but welcomed shift.
"I'll hold you back if I need to", Kyoya responded with a grin.
Luckily for both of them, there wasn't anyone who openly talked about the General, like not at all. In the beginning perhaps when people were confused but most chalked his suicide up to him missing his wife because of the picture in his hand. It hadn't been exactly a secret that the late General never learned how to cope with her death and was incredibly damaged from it as a result. So, fortunately, Kyoya never had to restrain Hikaru and even let the older twin be by himself occasionally after some time when he was deemed to not be as suicidal anymore. Which took longer than Hikaru thought was necessary. He believed Kyoya was mostly convinced now because Hikaru had actually agreed to try to visit Kaoru soon… at least he had said "soon" to Kyoya over and over again over the course of a week. Eventually, Kyoya almost dragged him over there.
Hikaru was currently waiting outside of his twin's room, hands shaking and sweating and with hope growing inside of him that he wouldn't be able to visit that day. It was cowardice obviously but him staying away had just made it harder for him to see his brother. There was a chance that Kaoru wouldn't be in a "good age" today. Hikaru couldn't just waltz in with Kyoya if he was seen as a complete stranger.
"He is 17 now", Kyoya said when he stepped out into the room and Hikaru cursed internally. "He has been thoroughly filled in… but please don't mention that he and I are together. I don't want to spring that upon him".
"Really? But he should remember that he likes you, right?"
"That doesn't matter. It's better to keep it this way for now. Ready to go in?"
"Ehm… yeah?" Hikaru responded, still taken aback by what Kyoya had told him. "As ready as I'll ever be".
With that, Hikaru followed Kyoya into the hospital room, nervous with his heart up in his throat.
"Hi, Hikaru!" Kaoru greeted gleefully, almost excited enough to make Hikaru doubt that Kaoru wasn't a kid after all… almost.
The older of the twins decided to force himself to look at Kaoru and saw a pale, tousled-haired, exhausted mess with deep purple bags under his eyes. Kaoru looked happy to see him though and Hikaru told himself that was the most important thing to focus on right now.
"I-I'm… I'm sorry-", Hikaru began to apologize for his absence but Kaoru shook his head and cut him off.
"I understand. They told me what's happening. Apparently, they think they have fucked me up royally this time around… but it has its perks", Kaoru mumbled the last part as he glanced at Kyoya who was conversing silently with another doctor a bit away from them (and Hikaru appreciated that they were given at least a small amount of space).
"Perks, huh".
"I like how much he cares, even if he doesn't like me the same, sue me", Kaoru tried to say jokingly and dismissively, but it did come off more sad.
"It's good that you at least can live your little gay fantasy", Hikaru teased, feeling a little weirded out by Kaoru not knowing that it wasn't really just a fun little game of make-believe.
"Shut up".
"Nope… how are you? Or is that stupid of me to ask?"
"I dunno. I really don't. Mentally? Bad, I guess? At least in general but I'm really glad now to have you here so that's good. No idea if they have figured out why I'm fucked up though, but I don't think it's my fault".
"Why would it be your fault? Did you think you would purposefully do this to yourself?"
"No", Kaoru chuckled. "I was a little unclear there. I meant that it's not something my body did naturally… ".
"It's still quite the stretch to say that it would be your fault if it was… ".
"Perhaps, sorry. I'm a little bit lazy with my wording nowadays… at least the way I'm now, maybe I have more patience when I'm 18?"
"If I meet you when you're 18 next time I'll let you know".
"So, you'll come back?" Kaoru asked, hopeful, and Hikaru couldn't bring himself to even say anything less than a promise.
"Of course… I've been self-pitying for too long. It's too bad I can't change my appearance because then I could visit you all the time and you would always recognize me as Hikaru".
"That would have been fun to see. Too bad that's not your power", Kaoru snickered.
"Yeah, would have made me feel much less useless".
"Keeping me company is making you plenty useful", Kaoru hurried to assure.
Hikaru could sense that he was desperate to not make him upset enough to leave.
"I hope so", Hikaru murmured before changing the subject. "So, what do you do? Are you only a test subject or are you allowed to do something fun?"
"I draw when I'm a child, but I try to read sometimes - and yes, someone reads to me occasionally when I lose the ability to do so myself. Usually Kyoya because I don't understand English when I'm that little. I am also allowed to play games on one of the doctors' phones. Kyoya doesn't have any games on his, unsurprisingly, but one of the doctors has a lot".
"That sounds really fun. You haven't played video games in forever".
"And never on a phone! At least not games like this! Maybe we can play together sometimes".
"If it's okay with the person whose phone you're hogging".
Kyoya discreetly watched as the brothers continued to converse, more light-heartedly than he had expected. It was of course a pleasant surprise so he wasn't complaining about that. Both boys lit up in a way that made them appear normal, normal in a way boys their age should.
It didn't last more than half an hour before Kaoru started to space out. Kyoya hurried to grab Hikaru and felt some sense of relief when the boy was more reluctant to leave than he had thought. When they were out the door, Hikaru took a piece of paper, probably an A4, that had been folded several times.
"It's for Kaoru when he is a child", was Hikaru's explanation before he left.
Kyoya stated after him with puzzlement until he was out of his sight before unfolding the paper. A heartfelt and amused smile overtook his face as he cracked a chuckle. The paper was promptly folded again and he put it in his pocket before he re-entered the hospital room.
Unfortunately, Kaoru wasn't young enough this time around and wouldn't be until a couple of hours later. Then Kyoya decided it was finally time.
"What do you have there?" Kaoru asked curiously when he saw Kyoya approach him with his hands behind his back and a grin on his face, clearly hiding something.
"I have something for you", Kyoya told him and only the sort of glee a child could express overtook Kaoru.
The young redhead's eyes widened and a big smile played on his lips.
"For me? What?" He adorably squealed.
Kyoya decided not to toy with him and revealed that it was a letter from Hikaru as he handed it to Kaoru who almost jumped out of bed in joy. It felt nice that Kyoya hadn't actually built it up to be some cool toy or something like that and that this was just as good. You never knew with kids. Kaoru eagerly unfolded the paper and was met by the worst drawing Kyoya had ever seen an adult make. Obviously on purpose, which couldn't have been easy for someone who was a very skilled artist. The drawing depicted (at least Kyoya thought it did) the twins with some sort of animal companion (a dog?) and under the drawing was a barely readable "Get well. I will see you soon, little brother". It was a very sweet gesture that astonished Kyoya because he hadn't thought that Hikaru was ready to do something like that (as he was still fairly sensitive about it).
"He is getting better than me", Kaoru grumbled, displeased and Kyoya had to hold back the laughter that wanted to escape past his lips. "I need to get better. Where are my crayons?"
"We are just going to make a few more tests for the day and then playtime starts. Okay?"
"... okay", Kaoru relented begrudgingly and this time Kyoya allowed himself to let out the smallest chuckle.
A visit from Hikaru wasn't unusual nowadays but one at night with such a weird inquiry…
"You want to borrow what?" Kyoya asked, not quite being fully there due to lack of sleep.
"A pair of spare glasses… maybe a beanie too? Trust me, it's for a good thing".
"What good thing? You shower every time you leave my place, I can see it in your hair, why would you want to borrow a single thing I've worn?"
"What's wrong with my hair?"
"It never looks washed despite you always smelling of shampoo. It's a sign of stripping your hair of oil so your scalp overproduces".
"That's so damn unfair… ".
"Why would you want to touch my things if you think I'm that disgusting?"
"I don't think you're disgusting! I just don't want you to take over, okay? I don't need to explain myself. I have an idea and I need those things from you. I promise you'll know soon enough what I'm doing just… please?"
Kyoya wasn't able to find a way for Hikaru to possibly use those items against him or for any other sinister purpose. Despite not being overly pleased with the fact that he had to be kept in the dark, for now, he did relent and found a pair of glasses made for when he was using the computer and a winter beanie he hadn't used in a while.
"You are both going to see ridiculously bad and look ridiculously bad", Kyoya warned as he handed Hikaru the items with a warning look when he saw how close Hikaru's fingers were to the glass. "When will I be given those back?"
"I doubt you would want me to keep them for too long so I probably want to borrow them several times".
"And I'll let you do that?"
"If you think my plan is good then yes".
"But I can't know if it's a good plan now? Am I really just supposed to stay back and watch?"
"Hmm maybe not. I'll need you to tell me every time Kaoru switches to age under 14 or 13… maybe 13 to be sure?"
"Don't do anything stupid… ".
"I don't intend to! Trust me on this one. I wouldn't come to you if I had anyone else that could or wanted to help. None of the Boys have what I need even if they were my friends".
"Just… just- ".
"Don't do anything stupid?" Hikaru finished for him.
"Exactly", Kyoya confirmed and they didn't continue the conversation for much longer before Hikaru left.
Kyoya closed the door automatically while thinking about what had just happened. The redhead had been more upbeat than Kyoya had ever seen him like his tired soul had gotten a boost.
For a moment Kyoya felt numb and his eyes widened as a wave of fear went through him. It calmed down as he went through every possible scenario and couldn't find a way Hikaru would attempt to take his life again with the things Kyoya lent him. Suicidal people could appear much happier before trying to commit suicide so Kyoya's initial concern was warranted and understandable. If it wasn't that, was Hikaru just happier now that he had finally visited Kaoru? Was it really that simple? The older twin had seemed a little better even before the visit… Did Kyoya's company help? Obviously, Hikaru still didn't trust nor like him but could anyone just being with Hikaru and spending time with him have been what he needed? Kyoya was, to his knowledge, the only person Hikaru pushed away who actually made an effort to stay. Perhaps the lack of loneliness, even if it was with Kyoya, was a massive boost.
"Maybe I'm just stroking my own ego here", Kyoya sighed.
Fortunately for him, even if Hikaru's sudden improved mood remained a mystery to him, he didn't have to wait too long before he had to see the older twin's plan unfold. In fact, he only had to wait until the next day. He found Hikaru sitting outside of Kaoru's hospital room.
"This makes it smoother if I'm close by… You don't need to test him for hours every day, right?"
"No, we can't conduct tests every day. We can only do so many… or so many at a time. We usually test him after putting him through treatments… I'll get you if he is one of the ages you wanted".
"... I guess I could come in if he is closer to my age as well, but I can't put my plan into action then".
"I believe he just has a check-up scheduled today so there is a big chance that he will be available in any of the ways you've asked for", Kyoya assured him before disappearing into the room, more puzzled than the night before.
"Hi, Kaoru", he greeted as he walked up to his boyfriend. "Good morning".
"Good morning to you too", Kaoru yawned and Kyoya couldn't quite tell which age he was yet but Kaoru couldn't be young enough for what Hikaru wanted to do.
"How's your morning been?"
"A little weird".
"Really?"
"Yes. Someone tried to visit me but wasn't allowed in. He looked familiar but everything went too fast for me to catch more than a glimpse".
"Someone tried to visit?" Kyoya thought out loud while trying to come up with who it could have been.
Hikaru was the first suggestion but that didn't make sense. He wouldn't have been in such a good mood if he had been kicked out. He wouldn't have been outside of the room either. Rai wasn't an option because he was dead… perhaps it was-
"Did you see his hands? Did he talk about helping you?"
"His hands? I didn't see much, as I said, but I think he covered them with white gloves or something? And now when you mention it, he did try to argue outside of my room with a nurse about wanting to help me".
"Ryoichi then", he said to himself but Kaoru could still hear him.
"That's Ryoichi?" Kaoru asked, panicked, and Kyoya started to worry that he had messed up. "I-I knew you told me I'm older than I think I am but I don't think I understood how much older".
Kyoya sighed in relief before putting his hand on Kaoru's shoulder in a comforting manner; crisis averted.
It wasn't surprising that Ryoichi had tried to reach out to provide help again, nor that Matthews was even more hesitant to let him this time around, even if the chance was smaller that Kaoru's blockade powers were defective this time. The zero had done well in guiding Kaoru back again when he was in a coma but it was still morally (and soon even legally) wrong to use zeroes for medical issues. Making people damage their bodies to maybe help someone didn't sound good nor fair, plus it could cause the zeroes to value their own lives less. That seemed to already have happened to Ryoichi. Even if a selfish part of Kyoya really did want Ryoichi to come and give them some answers, he could never bring himself to ask that of him. Ryoichi needed to think of his own health and not ruin his body unless he really couldn't help it.
"It's nice of him", Kaoru mumbled. "It's too bad though, I didn't get to meet him properly. I haven't seen him in what feels like forever… or have I met him as my real age?"
"You have actually. He is very kind but we can't let him use his powers if the need isn't pressing, nor if it's anything concerning the hospital".
"I understand… Do you think he could help though?"
Kyoya had to remind himself that Kaoru wouldn't have asked that if he had the full context and maturity of his 18-year-old self. It wasn't a bad question but for reasons brought up earlier it wasn't something he should have asked.
"I don't know. Perhaps. However, if you had seen his hands you would know he barely has anything left there. He has already done so much".
Kaoru looked a little horrified at that and let it be.
Kyoya proceeded with the check-up, still thinking about Ryoichi even if he shouldn't. Being the type of mind zero he was, there was a chance that he could take a look at Kaoru's Richter vine again, but maybe more thoroughly. The medical professionals were intelligent but none of them could examine a living zero's Richter vine the same way Ryoichi could. They would have needed to dissect Kaoru that that wouldn't have helped him for obvious reasons. Even if he couldn't find a visible reason for Kaoru's issues it would still be immensely helpful by shortening the list. Still, Kyoya wouldn't ask Ryoichi for help, nor would he ever assist if Ryoichi wanted to break in anyway… he wasn't sure if he would have the strength to truly try to stop him though…
"No more needles", Kaoru suddenly begged and placed his hands on Kyoya's arms, staring up at him with pleading eyes.
Kyoya must have been so deep in thoughts that he hadn't noticed the switch. He smiled reassuringly at Kaoru and ruffled his hair.
"Nothing today, don't worry. Where did your teddy bear go?"
The young doctor looked around until he caught a glimpse of it under the bed.
"Here he is, must have escaped".
"He wouldn't do that! He fell!" Kaoru argued stubbornly, forcing a snicker out of the older male.
"Maybe you accidentally pushed him?" Kyoya suggested as he leaned down and picked it up before giving it to Kaoru again.
Kaoru hugged the bear close to his chest and looked genuinely remorseful. He changed his hold on the bear so it was further away from him, enough for him to properly look at it, face to face. He mumbled an apology before hugging it again.
"I'm glad you both resolved your issues", Kyoya commented with just the slightest bit of sarcasm, just small enough for a child to miss. "I'll be back in a second, I need to do something".
The Japanese doctor spared him one last fleeting glance before reluctantly going back to Hikaru to put the unpredictable boy's secret plan into motion; he gave him a heads up before returning to his patient again.
Barely a second later and Hikaru made his entrance. He was walking slowly and unsurely due to the worsened sight from the borrowed glasses and all of his red hair was covered by the beanie. To Kyoya he looked like someone who made a horrible attempt at imitating his older brother while trying to buy alcohol.
"Who is that?" Kaoru asked Kyoya. "He looks weird".
"You look weird", Hikaru responded almost automatically and Kaoru was shocked and a little embarrassed that the "stranger" also knew Japanese. "I'm Nao and I'm also a patient. I was feeling a little lonely. What's your name?"
"He is a nice person", Kyoya said, trying to help Hikaru along now when he realized what he was trying to do. "He isn't as old as he looks".
"So he isn't 14?" Kaoru tried to ask Kyoya quietly and it was evident in Hikaru's face that he was trying his best to keep his composure over the deep cutting but innocent insult. "My name is Kaoru", he said a little louder while looking at his twin, unable to notice that he had said something that would have earned him a slap across the face if he had been older.
"Are you also feeling a little lonely, Kaoru? With all these boring adults?"
"A little", Kaoru lamented quietly.
"Do you want to play with me? I can leave if you want otherwise", Hikaru said and Kyoya grinned.
"You can stay", Kaoru hurried to say. "I can introduce you to my teddy bear friend… ".
Kyoya could admit that he did become a little worried as soon as Hikaru's intentions were clear to him but he should have realized that the redhead knew his brother well enough. Still, Kyoya could sense that Kaoru wasn't comfortable being alone with this "stranger" yet so he remained in the room while also giving the brothers space and quietly and chastely explaining the situation to any nurse or doctor entering. Luckily all of them decided to play along even if some of them were still a little confounded by the situation. Even if Kyoya couldn't properly explain without making Kaoru suspicious over their "secretive talks", it was a great sight to behold that everyone silently agreed that Kaoru needed this and that Hikaru was doing something helpful.
Hikaru, unfortunately, had to leave after a couple of hours, to Kaoru's chagrin, with the promise of returning.
"You did a really good thing", Kyoya whispered to him right as he was about to leave.
"Oh yeah? … I didn't do it for you", Hikaru responded before disappearing through the door.
Instead of letting that put a downer on his mood, Kyoya rolled his eyes with an amused smirk on his face. Hikaru was a little childish but his words didn't have the same venom as they used to. Maybe they both were slowly, finally mutually, trying to bury the hatchet. Maybe.
"After a few months it's becoming more and more apparent that the activator is the issue here", Matthews said.
There was currently a meeting with the staff. Several of these meetings to discuss Kaoru's situation had already taken place but this was the first time they actually had something worthwhile to bring up.
"Is there any component in the formula?" Grimes inquired.
"There are indeed less than acceptable ingredients for zeros but we believe it's the artificially imposed use of his powers that is the culprit. As Otori helped to shine a light on, the zeros who have used the serum long-term show signs of dysfunction no matter how different the formula is. It appears that forcing a zero's system into activating is putting a strain on the Richter vine. As you know, a zero using their powers is reminiscent of a non-zero doing any physically straining activity. In other words, it isn't something effortless they can do at any given time, the sacrifice isn't the only negative response to it. This is one of the reasons as to why the activator is used, to make a zero be able to use their powers even when their system is exhausted or unstable. Unfortunately, the activator doesn't give zeros a rested and stable mind, it forces them to perform when they aren't ready. Which was something Heintz brought attention to".
"You mean that his system is pretty much fried?" Rosengard chimed in, which many people thought was weird because he wasn't really any of those people whom this actually concerned.
"You could say that, unfortunately", Matthews confirmed while Pierre discreetly sent Kyoya an apologetic look for the wording.
Yeah, they knew about Kyoya's feelings towards Kaoru even if they never outright asked about it. As long as Kyoya continued to not be inappropriate with Kaoru when he was mentally underaged then no one would mind too much even if they thought it was weird for him to be with his patient… or for him to be with a man. It was easy to forget because of the culture inside of the base where the Boys were sleeping with each other for the lack of girls, but there were actually some people there who thought it was weird. Still, the homophobia could be much, much worse outside so he didn't complain.
Kyoya did realize that Shinohara was looking at him too, which was weird considering that he had put the most effort into making sure that he wouldn't know. He supposed it didn't really matter anymore and him staring didn't necessarily mean that he knew something was up so he didn't even try to make himself look unbothered.
"What's the plan moving forward?" Grimes asked. "Do we have any lead towards a cure?"
"We aren't sure that a cure is possible", Matthews reluctantly said and Kyoya inhaled and exhaled in a way to calm himself down. "Nor are we sure that Kaoru will thrive on more artificial interference. We don't want to accidentally strain his Richter vine even more. Of course, the plan isn't to do nothing, we are going to continue testing him, now with our new lead, to see what the best course of action is… Unfortunately, we aren't sure if he will be usable for a long, long time… that's why we want to put the decision in your hands".
"Decision on what?"
"If it's time to discuss retirement for him too", Matthews answered and Kyoya's head snapped in his direction.
This wasn't something he had heard about; this hadn't been the subject of any conversation that took place within proximity to him. Hikaru had been talked about a while ago but were they thinking about retiring both of them now? Kyoya assumed it was better that it was both of them rather than just one but he still had no clue about what it would mean. Especially considering how much of their (mostly Kaoru's) identities and self-worth were based on their usefulness at the base. This place had also been their home for most of their lives despite how inappropriate and unhealthy the environment could be… honestly Kyoya couldn't tell what would be worse.
"Do you really think it will come to that?" Grimes asked and Kyoya thought that he could sense genuine worry in his mostly stoic and unreadable face.
"If we can't cure him in a way that won't give him long-lasting issues due to wrong artificial interference then I believe we need to make preparations", Matthews responded. "I'm not saying that you should decide that now but I believe it's good to have a plan in case he won't be able to do his job as one of the Boys or as a blockade".
"Perhaps", Grimes agreed. "Even if he is cured, we can't use him if it will just damage him further. We can't just wait for him to be well, we have to make sure that he won't be like this ever again. If that proves to not be attainable then I see no choice than to retire him".
Even if it did sit well with Kyoya that Grimes didn't want to risk Kaoru's health, the concern still grew from the uncertainty. Where would they send Kaoru if he couldn't stay? Could Kyoya still reach him? How much more would Kaoru suffer if he stayed? What would his future be? What would their future be?
The meeting ended shortly with not much decided. The only real development was the possible retirement but, otherwise, they would just continue with what they were doing; trying to help Kaoru. It was easier said than done. Even if everyone believed that the activator was the issue, meaning that they had taken a huge step in the right direction, it was still obvious that people were starting to give up on Kaoru. It was really disheartening and frustrating but at least those people were preferable to the ones who started to see Kaoru as a science project that could be used to further their research. Even though it wasn't bad to want to learn more about zero-related issues, it was still cruel to minimize Kaoru into a frog to dissect and Kaoru was in no condition to consent to that. Kyoya was open to the suggestion that he was selfish because he didn't want them to experiment on Kaoru. He even accepted the word hypocrite as he had been frustrated at the lack of research beforehand. Still, they had gotten a lot of information out of this case so far and they didn't need to keep Kaoru for the rest of his life as a lab rat.
Kyoya and his colleagues hesitated outside of Kaoru's hospital room when they heard sobbing from the other side of the door. Initially, Kyoya's heart broke at the thought of his boyfriend being so distraught but it stopped when he realized that this wasn't how Kaoru sounded when he cried (which was, unfortunately, something Kyoya knew well). He quickly opened the door and marched in only to see a stunned and bewildered Kaoru and a crying Ryoichi who looked to be close to a meltdown.
"Please", Kaoru begged Ryoichi, sounding small in the voice and Kyoya's eyes widened in terror as he noticed all the blood dripping down Ryoichi's lips.
His eyes immediately snapped down to the upset zero's hands and discovered completely blood soaked bandages and bite markers and missing chunks from his bare arms. Two of Kyoya's colleagues acted faster than him and hurried towards Ryoichi before he could hurt himself further. They grabbed his arms and pulled them away from his face while he loudly pleaded with them to let him go repeatedly as they called for reinforcement. The rest of the nurses in the room quickly stormed for the call button and began to try to attend to Ryoichi's wounds while he was still being restrained. Knowing that he was in good hands, Kyoya went straight to Kaoru to comfort and calm him down. Luckily it didn't appear that he was super young currently, but still young enough to not remember the conversation he and Kyoya had about this previously. At least Kyoya assumed he couldn't remember it because he couldn't fathom why else Kaoru would have agreed to let Ryoichi try to do this.
Kaoru hugged Kyoya close as soon as the space between them was small enough. The smaller male wasn't shedding tears but he was shaking. Ryoichi stopped begging to be released and started to profoundly apologize instead.
"I-I tried! I'm sorry I couldn't do it! He could sh-shut me out too much this t-time around! I'm sorry! Please, I wanted to help! He is my f-friend and I need to help him! Why did I help to d-d-destroy h-him? I n-need to fix him. Now I can't help him… ".
"Calm down, Ryoichi, please", Kyoya said to him while stroking Kaoru's back gently as the redhead was burying his face in his stomach. "You didn't do this to Kaoru, there is nothing for you to fix. This isn't your fault. You can't fix this, no one can yet".
"J-just him! I th-thought I c-could but on-only him!"
Kyoya's interest piqued at that but before he could question him for that comment, Ryoichi was reduced into incoherent mumbling while he cried harder when he was carried out of the room.
"Someone, try to get in contact with his mother!" one of the nurses called after them as they left. "She needs to know about this!"
Matthews chose that moment to enter the room with his eyes glued on Ryoichi's disappearing form.
"What the hell happened here? Is Kaoru alright?"
"He is just a little scared and overwhelmed I think", Kyoya said softly as he looked down at the still quivering male in his arms. "Ryoichi decided to visit regardless".
"Of course he wouldn't just give up", Matthews sighed with guilt in his eyes. "I shouldn't have let him help out the first time", he said that part quieter so only Kyoya could hear.
"He did help us loads last time. Kaoru could still have been unconscious and all of our progress wouldn't have existed", Kyoya pointed out, a little offended.
"You're right, of course you are", Matthews caved in with an apologetic look. "But I need to think about every patient and just catching a quick glimpse at Ryoichi I can tell he might have done some real damage to himself. The risk of infection is already quite high with him from being injured constantly and from the contact with his mouth, which isn't a very sanitary place. I hope we don't have to remove even more than he himself did. I fear that his first success fed so much into his guilt that all this time without further progress has pulled him towards Kaoru again in fear that he hadn't done everything he could have done".
"It's not your fault that he returned".
"No, but I should have seen that this would happen. I can't say that I seriously regret that he helped Kaoru but I should have made sure to keep an eye on him afterward… and I can agree that that wasn't my fault".
Matthews turned to look at the nurses who stayed behind to clean up the blood and check upon Kaoru as efficiently as they could with the redhead being unresponsive and still having his face squished against the doctor he was hugging (luckily he was no longer shaking at least).
"Isn't it weird that Ryoichi knew exactly when all of us would be out? None of you would know about that? Any doctor accidentally letting that information slip?"
Kyoya was at first confused, thinking that Matthews was just throwing out accusations due to his frustrations but his words quickly sunk in and made sense. The nurses were also avoiding eye contact.
"No one could have realized that Ryoichi would go so far", Kyoya chimed in. "So that part can't be blamed on anyone but it sure was convenient… Was it due to how slow the progress is? Was there a hope that Ryoichi would come in and save the day?"
They still avoided looking at him, but he could see in the purposeful way they tried to keep their features straight that they were ashamed or even sad, but didn't want to show it. Kyoya continued:
"Well, you're lucky because he did say something even if he couldn't do what you, and whatever doctor told you to do this, wished for".
Matthews quirked an eyebrow at him in curious interest and this was the first time the nurses actually showed that they were listening openly by turning to look in his direction. They looked hopeful but it faltered when he shook his head.
"Ryoichi couldn't do much due to Kaoru being a blockade, but apparently those powers aren't working 100 percent… or maybe they do and Ryoichi is just very knowledgeable and could guess the answer due to the process of elimination. He has shown that he is very informed before. In any case, he claimed that the only person who could help Kaoru was Kaoru himself. I wanted to ask more about that but he had to be taken away".
"Kaoru himself", Matthews mused while massaging his chin, thinking. "I wonder what he meant. If it requires him to use his memory powers on himself I'm not sure that I can see that happening with the way he is. Not that he could do it normally. We don't know if he can even risk using his powers without repeating what happened last time when he accidentally used them on everyone he looked at".
"We have to question Ryoichi when he is properly attended to and has calmed down".
"You can leave that to me".
"Maybe I should be the one to talk to him? He knows I have Kaoru's interest at heart for sure".
"We will see what's the best option when he is available… Maybe he told Kaoru something? You should ask him when he is less freaked out. I have to go and see if things are going well with Ryoichi".
Matthews left and Kyoya could turn most of his attention to Kaoru now. He hadn't stopped stroking Kaoru's back until now when he loosened Kaoru's grip and pulled him back a little so he could properly look at him. Luckily the younger male didn't show signs of crying but he still looked immensely guilty and confused.
"Is he gonna be okay?" He asked, almost whispered.
"I believe so. Don't feel bad, this was his choice".
"He didn't tell me exactly what his powers were, I didn't know that it was Ryoichi. Just that it was a nice man who said that he thought that he could make me feel better. He is so hurt… his h-hands".
"It's okay, it's okay, You couldn't have known if he hid it from you. Were you scared? He couldn't have hurt you, right?"
"Ryoichi would never do that", Kaoru hurried to defend while shaking his head. "But I was scared, I thought he was gonna hurt himself too much… ".
"He is getting the appropriate help now. He won't die, you don't have to worry about that. But Kaoru, I need to ask you something but I won't if you don't feel ready to talk".
"I'm ready", Kaoru said stubbornly.
He still looked a little shaken up but, otherwise, Kyoya believed that he wouldn't be overwhelmed by inquiries.
"Before your little friend was taken away to get some bandaids", Kyoya started off, not needing a child to get the whole gory truth (the young male shouldn't have been able to understand what Kyoya and Matthews said in English). "He said that only you could help, do you know what he meant?"
"He was acting weird, it was hard to understand him".
"We know, he was really sad and it's difficult to talk properly when you are really sad. But is there anything you could make out? Something about you helping yourself?"
It was difficult to ask about it without outright telling him that Ryoichi pretty much claimed that the doctors were useless and that Kaoru, who was currently a child, was the one who had to do something. This would have been much more convenient if Kaoru had been 18, but then again he wouldn't have let Ryoichi help if that was the case.
"I don't know… I'm sorry".
"Don't be. We just have to ask him to be a little clearer. Anyway, where is Nao? I thought he was going to be here right now", Kyoya asked to try to change the subject but realized too late that Kaoru might not have met Hikaru as Nao at this age (plus it made him worry that the older twin wasn't where he should be).
"That funny boy? You knew he was gonna be here?"
"Yeah, he wanted to make sure first that you were actually allowed to play. Where is he?"
The young doctor's stomach churned at the thought that Ryoichi might have told Hikaru to leave so he could have helped Kaoru. If that happened then who knew how Hikaru would react to this failure?
"His stomach was telling him to eat", Kaoru explained and Kyoya concealed the relief from showing up on his face.
"Did he leave before Ryoichi came?"
"Yes. I ordered him to", Kaoru responded matter of factly and Kyoya chuckled.
A thought hit him now when he wasn't too preoccupied with stressing out over the situation; Kaoru didn't seem to react horribly after learning that Ryoichi was Ryoichi despite the man looking older than Kaoru would have expected. Granted, Kaoru wasn't as young as he usually was when he was a kid, but it was still a surprise that he took it fairly well this time, and the last time, he saw his old friend. It made him think; did Hikaru have to pretend to be someone else around him so much? Yes, Hikaru was much closer to Kaoru and it would surely be a bigger surprise but Kaoru knew time had passed so he should have been able to figure out that Hikaru would be older too. Kyoya had to try to remember to discuss this with Hikaru later.
"What do you think Ryoichi meant?" Kaoru interjected. "When he said what you heard".
Apparently, kids were a little more observant than Kyoya gave them credit for.
"I don't think anything. We need to talk with him first. He could have meant that you have a higher chance of helping yourself than him", Kyoya told him despite not believing it himself.
"So… he was being mean?"
"Mean?"
"Have you ever heard 'so bad even my dead granny could do it?'" Kaoru asked and Kyoya choked on laughter.
"I don't think he meant it like that", Kyoya forced out while trying to hold back his chortle but the angry expression on Kaoru's face made it harder for him instead of easier. "He would never insult you like that because he cares too much, but I understand the thought".
"If that's so… can you go and see if he is okay? For me?"
"For you? Always", Kyoya responded with a small smile before leaving the room.
Kyoya didn't necessarily believe that Ryoichi was available since it surely would take longer than this to stitch him up, but he wanted to check on the progress. He couldn't stop thinking about what Ryoichi had said. Kaoru wouldn't be alone for long if Hikaru was returning after eating so Kyoya didn't have to feel bad if he had to be away for some time. So Kyoya didn't have to worry about keeping him waiting.
It wasn't difficult to find out where Ryoichi was but he decided to wait the remaining time until the doctors were done. He couldn't just go in and disturb their work.
The wait wasn't too long and Kyoya could finally ask about Ryoichi's condition. Thankfully Ryoichi hadn't needed amputation or anything else really invasive but he had definitely caused himself a lot of new scars plus one less finger which obviously horrified Kyoya. Even keeping in mind that the finger wasn't whole and functional to begin with, it was still terrifying how little he cared about his own health. Kyoya tried not to imagine Kaoru becoming like this eventually but he was already kind of there; it was inevitable.
"He will be alright then?" Kyoya asked the doctor, Heinz.
"Yes. Mentally too I think. Luckily his breakdown didn't render him nonverbal nor unavailable for communication. He is very tired from the local anesthesia and morphine so he won't be up for talking until tomorrow".
"He wasn't put under?"
Yes, Kyoya wouldn't put someone under for stitches either but Ryoichi wasn't in a good state of mind to work on him while he was awake.
"Recent discoveries suggest that nightwalkers might be accidentally triggered into using their powers when they are made unconscious like that. At least it's a theory and we want to be extra careful with someone like him, both because of the nature of his powers and because we don't want him to hurt himself further. They still need to do their zero sacrifice even if they didn't intend to use their powers, unfortunately".
"I've never heard that's a problem before".
"It's fairly new and even if it's not proven yet we don't want to take the risk with him. This is something that was reported from other hospitals that discovered hidden zeros through surgeries. We need to find the link between those zeros who did use their powers before we are comfortable with putting him under again".
"I understand. Thank you for your time".
Kyoya left and returned to Kaoru who was telling a story, that should have been mundane but he told it like it was the most exciting thing he had ever experienced, to a disguised Hikaru who, to his credit, looked really interested. The more juvenile demeanor and the fact that a story of how Kaoru beat a difficult level in Bubble witch seemed to be more urgent to tell than what happened with Ryoichi told Kyoya that Kaoru was younger than the last time he saw him. Which was fine but now he couldn't tell Kaoru that Ryoichi was fine and Hikaru still had to be told what happened even if he wasn't really friends with Ryoichi anymore. Present time Kaoru had to be told too because this was harder to hide than Rai's suicide and probably wouldn't be as devastating. However, that could wait until later. Right now Hikaru could just enjoy his time with his brother.
Unfortunately, something that people could forget sometimes, Kyoya was a human. Not some demon that could work forever, but a human who had to cave in eventually. The stress he had put on himself made him start to feel sick and he was put on bed rest against his will. He only really stayed in his room because they promised to tell Kaoru at every age that he would have wanted to be there if he could. Sure, they would probably have told Kaoru the truth anyway but he wanted to make sure that Kaoru wouldn't believe that he was "betraying him" or something. It was fortunate that Hikaru was keeping Kaoru company. Him having the same native language was also big a plus.
Currently, the Japanese doctor was lying on the couch with a half-full lukewarm cup of black tea on the table next to his glasses. Despite being home sick he still had a medical journal in his hands but he was far too exhausted to actually look at it. Hence why he didn't even wear his glasses. It felt like he was letting Kaoru down by not continuing working vehemently to help him, but his body had put a foot down and told him to fucking stop. Sure, his body probably had a point but the rest of him wouldn't get any rest until Kaoru was back, and healthy, in his arms. The nightmares played hard right now as well, worse in a way because now he also dreamed about Kaoru being permanently stuck as a child.
Furious knocking on the door made Kyoya flinch so suddenly that his leg hit the table. An electric kind of pain went up his leg and irritation grew within him. It didn't quite hit him that something seriously had probably happened for the other person to crave his attention so desperately, but he wasn't functioning well enough to his defense. In his mind this was Rosengard, there to demand his teddy bear back or something (despite Rosengard recently assuring him that Kaoru could keep it but again, Kyoya wasn't functioning well).
After begrudgingly leaving the softest couch he had ever laid on while listening to the beat from the overzealous knocker, he marched towards the door and it almost felt like it flew open without him even touching it. Hikaru was on the other side, more disheveled and full of more panic than Kyoya had ever seen him have. The redhead was literally shaking like a leaf in autumn wind with blotchy skin and red eyes. The response from seeing Hikaru like that was a faster heartbeat and a nauseating feeling in Kyoya's stomach.
"What happ-".
"Me and Kaoru are gonna be retired!" Hikaru cried out and Kyoya's heart dropped. "They a-are gonna send us out".
Kyoya hadn't been gone that long and they had already made that decision? Was this them just giving up on the twins and thinking that they were someone else's problem? He was shocked and appalled at this news. In a way, he also hoped that Hikaru was mistaken.
"When did they declare this?"
"I overheard them talking about it when they didn't know that I was close by in the hospital. I-I don't know what th-this means! Kaoru and I won't be able to survive on our own outside! You have to help us!" Hikaru sobbed and, to Kyoya's astonishment, fell down to his knees in front of him. The impact from the fall emitted a loud and worrying sound. "I beg you to help us! I can't take care of Kaoru like this no matter how much I want to!"
"Hikaru", Kyoya admonished breathlessly, not wanting Hikaru to do this but he was also too much in shock.
"Please! I'll do anything! I promise! Help us!"
Kyoya wanted to demand that Hikaru stood up and before telling him that he didn't need to do anything to make Kyoya want to make sure that the twins would be alright. Knowing that Hikaru was too inconsolable and wouldn't believe him anyway made Kyoya instead, much more gentle than Hikaru, go down on his knees and carefully take the older twin's wrists to prevent him from pulling his own hair.
"Okay, I'll do it. You don't need to beg on your knees. I'm going to ask my colleagues about Kaoru's condition and try to figure out what will happen, alright? I can do it now, I will do it now, but why don't you come in?"
Hikaru stared at Kyoya with a look of sadness and disbelief as he was helped up from the dirty floor in the hallway and led into the room. He gently placed Hikaru down on the couch and went to the door. Hikaru was crying, completely terrified, and Kyoya was furious. Before storming out of the room to demand an explanation from Matthews or whoever he saw first about why they were giving up on Kaoru, he decided to place a glass of water in front of Hikaru so he wouldn't be dehydrated. Hikaru didn't touch the glass under the duration Kyoya remained in the room but the boy was also still sobbing and shaking.
The feeling of sickness from overworking and lack of sleep was still very present, but Kyoya still marched over to the hospital area to look for Matthews or any of the other doctors.
Matthews was in Kaoru's hospital room and the bright smile Kaoru sent Kyoya made his fury tone down a little.
"Are you feeling better, doctor?" Kaoru asked sympathetically in English with a little sarcasm when he said "doctor", telling Kyoya that he was currently his own age.
"No, he still looks like he needs to sleep", Matthews interjected.
"I'm just taking a small break from my break", Kyoya told Kaoru before turning to Matthews with fire in his eyes. "Can I speak to you outside for a moment? You don't look too busy".
"Sure", Matthews said politely but also a little dumbfounded.
Kaoru looked a little disappointed at not being able to spend time with Kyoya but he could also clearly tell that something was off. He sent Kyoya a "you better tell me later"- look before the two doctors left the room and closed the door behind them.
"You are mad over something", Matthews stated.
"Why will Kaoru be retiring when he is stuck like this?" Kyoya inquired, straight to the point and Matthews looked taken aback.
"How do you know about that? It was decided that we would tell Hikaru later today. We haven't seen him by the way, do you know where he is?"
"Crying in my room because he is terrified of what his and Kaoru's future will be. He told me about this".
"How did he- never mind. It's not important. This is not good, we wanted to sit down and explain everything".
"Why is he so afraid in the first place? Why are the Boys so afraid of what happens when they retire?"
Kyoya's anger grew until his face felt warm. The stress was probably a contribution to it but he did feel like his fury was justified.
"I don't know, my theory is that no one explains retirement to them in fear that they would want to try to retire early".
Kyoya was about to say something but stopped in his tracks. He was stunned for a moment and had to think a little before he continued.
"Want to retire early?"
"Yes, there is this program I believe and it's made to make the Boys able to live a decent life outside. You have to ask someone else for details because I don't know… I assume most of your exasperation is from Kaoru getting retired, am I right?"
"Yes!" Kyoya responded after coming over the initial shock, remembering the scorching rage over his boyfriend's situation. "Are you just going to send him away and throw In the towel like that?"
"What? Oh! I am terribly, terribly sorry. This situation should have been explained to you as soon as the meeting was over".
"What meeting?"
"You were sent to rest at home before you had the chance to speak with Ryoichi, right?"
"Yes, unfortunately. I was going to see him the day after the incident but apparently, he got an infection… what did he tell you?"
"He explained himself. His exasperation wasn't because no one could save Kaoru, but because saving Kaoru himself would have eased his guilt. It didn't hit him at the time that he did actually help by giving us news that is both good and bittersweet".
"What news?" Kyoya prompted desperately, not entirely sure that he could allow himself to clench the despair and let himself hope yet.
Matthews smiled in a melancholic way.
"When Ryoichi said that only Kaoru could help himself he didn't mean that Kaoru had to use his powers or do anything… in fact, Kaoru should do nothing".
"Nothing?" Kyoya repeated in disbelief.
"There is no medicine or surgery out there that can save Kaoru. What the boy needs is time, time to rest and heal himself. His Richter vine might be hardened like a scar from the blockade treatment but right now it's also an open wound. A wound that needs to close itself. Kaoru's body and mind need to repair themselves. That's what Ryoichi meant but couldn't put it into coherent words at the time due to the emotional distress".
Kyoya was dumbfounded. Could the solution really be that easy? Just waiting? Logically he knew that doctors could only do so much. They could clean and stitch up injuries but they couldn't force them to heal faster. But this was something vastly different… or was it? In any case…
"Why is it bittersweet?" Kyoya asked, suspicious, and Matthews sighed.
"We don't know for how long he needs to wait. He hasn't really made any progress at all and we have been at it for a couple of months. If the pace continues to stay so slow then it could take years", Matthews explained and Kyoya felt like someone had slapped him in the face with a rotting fish. "So the choice was easy. Keep him in a hospital for maybe the rest of his adolescence with the assumption that he might be okay to use again with the looming threat that this could happen again? Or accept that he can't do this kind of job anymore and let him truly rest in another place where his brother also can get himself back on track? We are not doing this because we are giving up, we are doing this because Kaoru deserves better and he has done everything he can do for his country".
"... It sounds… that sounds nice, more than nice if he and Hikaru can finally get a break but-".
"What would that leave you?" Matthews interrupted. "I can't give you that answer unfortunately. You have to speak with the higher ups about that".
"I do plan on requesting a meeting with Grimes… ".
"Sounds good… you'll tell Hikaru that he doesn't have to worry, right?"
"Of course… and we'll explain the situation to Kaoru".
"Right".
"Every version of Kaoru".
"... right".
Arranging said meeting wasn't difficult, it was just a little hard to get time with the busy man. Kyoya was currently waiting outside of the man's office with all of his questions floating around his head like fish in a tank.
Kaoru had taken the news differently at every age. Kyoya could still put the reactions into different groups; the ones that were worried about leaving the people there, the ones being excited by not having to stay in the "boring hospital with boring adults" but sad that they still wouldn't be able to return home to mommy and daddy, the ones who were terrified and hostile about leaving the military base that they had been loyal to for so long and ones who were scared of what would happen next (despite being a little more informed than Hikaru was when he found out). These groups, or categories, did go into each other as well of course.
Despite reassurance that the brothers wouldn't be killed or anything horrible like that, the twins had still been afraid, even with information about what their fate would be. Kyoya wasn't pry to that information because, even if he was the significant other to one of the brothers, he was still just a doctor. He could ask the two boys about it but he felt that it was related enough to the questions he had for Grimes.
Shortly, Kyoya was allowed into Grimes' office and sat down on the familiar chair before they started to talk.
"You want to know what will happen to them and how you can still be a part of this?" Grimes asked.
He both looked and sounded emotionally exhausted. There was also something about him that made him look far older than the last time Kyoya had seen him. It didn't hit him at first that Grimes wasn't just incredibly stressed and in despair over the situation with Kaoru, but also still trying to handle what had happened with Rai. Kyoya didn't doubt that Grimes knew about the monster that was the late General, but he had to remind himself that you could still mourn and feel something for a monster. They had known each other for a while after all. Besides, there had been times when Kyoya had thought of himself as a monster. Obviously, he would never believe that he was just as bad as Rai but still, everyone had a Tamaki who cared regardless.
"Precisely. I want to know where they are going and if… if there is a chance that I can come with? I don't think I can stay here if they leave and I want to help them. They would still need care, right? Especially Kaoru. I know his problems will sort themselves out eventually but I still think I can be useful. Even if he doesn't know exactly who I am at every age, he still knows me".
"You are sure that you would want to resign from the base? It would cut your zero education short".
"I have learned plenty and can still try to get an education outside while working. I know it will be a lot for me since I also have to take care of the boys, but I need to do it. I can't leave them now".
Grimes looked at him for a moment in silence before sighing. He opened one of the drawers on his desk and took out a pamphlet that was placed in front of Kyoya.
"This is more information about the program the twins will enter. To summarize, if they don't have a home outside then they will live in a special building catered to their medical needs. They will both be given the education to help them be a part of the world again and education to try to help them to receive employment in the future. Obviously, it can take time before they can enter these programs, some are never able to do it, but it will be available for as long as they need. Psychological help will also be available if the boys want it. It's not a perfect system but we do try to help our veterans, especially those who haven't been out of this place for years or even decades. As for you-", Grimes put another pamphlet on the table, it looked much newer and thinner than the other one. "Is specially made for you. Yes, I knew you would want to leave, you never wanted to be here in the first place".
"What makes you say that?" Kyoya asked a little absent-mindedly with eyes glued on the first pamphlet, still trying to process that information.
"You are definitely one of the most caring doctors here since you haven't been here so long, but you've never shown that you wanted to be here specifically… at least not before you and Kaoru became an item. I'll let you resign and we will send a recommendation to the closest hospital in the area where the twins will live. Unfortunately, you can't live in the same building they will stay at".
"That's alright, I know there will be some time before the twins leave due to everything that needs to be done and prepared. If I'm getting the address then I'll try to find an apartment within that time… will they be able to live with me eventually?"
"If that works and they consent to it… it's going to be strange without those boys here".
"I will make sure that they get to enjoy the outside… what happens with IDs and such?"
"That's part of the program. They will be given IDs but they need to go and get passports by themselves. Luckily they already had lives before coming here so we don't have to create their identities from scratch. They don't have to choose right away if they want to reclaim their old surnames but they will be limited until they have their legal names sorted out. Their parents paid us to not be open with their last names here but they can't prevent them from using them if they really want to. It's still their name regardless. You might have to look into becoming Kaoru's power of attorney or something like that because I don't think he will be able to legally make his own decisions fully… there will be a lot of legal things as you can see".
"I don't doubt that".
"Also… the twins' rights will still be limited. Hiding their zero statuses will make it difficult for them to get the help they need… you and Kaoru can't legally get married until the contaminated blood law will be removed".
"I know… ", Kyoya responded sadly. "Even if nothing says that zeros have a higher chance of producing more zeros and that he and I wouldn't be able to have our own kids either".
"Most people don't care about that, they just don't like the thought of zeros ruining marriages or being parents even to adopted children".
"Kaoru being both a zero and gay would really blow their minds", Kyoya stated and Grimes chuckled.
"These kinds of people will always exist but the laws will change. I just wanted to make sure that you knew what you're walking into".
"I won't change my mind".
The corners of Grimes' mouth bent upwards.
"I knew you wouldn't".
"What are we even supposed to pack?" Hikaru asked Kaoru who stood silently at the entrance of their room.
The younger twin hadn't been there for a while now, which normally would have been great because his room didn't have the best beds anyway. Right now he felt oddly sad about it because tomorrow he would leave forever. Many complaints had been made over their living quarters during all these years, but this had been their home for so long. Both boys were scared and nervous. Despite how much everyone else told them that they should be excited, they couldn't ring themselves to. Their lives outside were mostly lost to time, they had no idea how to talk to outside people, how to cook, how to get money, how to get themselves around, how not to be taken advantage of by people etc. etc… there was too much out there, too much for the boys to handle.
"The clothes on our backs?" Hikaru continued. "I'm pretty sure they want to keep as many of the clothes as possible and the cheap shampoo can stay too… are we bringing our toothbrushes? We were given one pretty small bag to pack so I assume it's expected of us to not bring much more than said bag".
"I bet Kyoya will have more bags, bigger too", Kaoru finally added to the conversation. "But those are his own of course".
"You must be happy that he is coming with us".
"Yes, but not surprised… ", Kaoru murmured with a small smile. "Or at least not super surprised… I dunno… shouldn't he give up soon?"
"On you?" Hikaru asked in disbelief. "Well… do you think I should give up on you? Does that make sense?"
"... so you're saying that it makes perfect sense that someone you think of as a pervert wants to stay? Are you comparing yourself in any capacity to said 'pervert'?" Kaoru teased.
"... shut up".
At another part of the base, Kyoya was packing the last of his own belongings. At least the ones he didn't need tomorrow. It felt weird, he had come to this place to escape for a moment in time… and now he was leaving, feeling more free. Saying that he would miss this place, this child torturing facility that took advantage of helpless zeros and ruined their minds, would be a massive lie. He came here for selfish reasons, his connection to this place was shallow at best. Still, it felt like he was losing some sense of safety, bringing two mentally ill young adults into a strange and hostile world. In here they hadn't been completely safe but it had been easier to make sure that they didn't make horrible mistakes. That couldn't be said for when they left. Would they go and do all those stupid teenager mistakes they hadn't been able to make yet? Would Kaoru even be able to find acceptance in a world that wasn't used to seeing his scars? Would Hikaru ever fall in love with a person who could take him back to a dark place with ease due to his vulnerability? Kyoya couldn't protect them 24/7, neither should he. He couldn't control them but were they strong enough to handle what life would throw at them?
A soft knock on the door brought him out of his musings. He stood up from the floor, where he had been leaning over his dark blue briefcase, and went to answer the door. His (ex) colleague Shinohara, who he hadn't spoken to in a while, was there. They weren't that close but they have had many good conversations so Kyoya knew that he would feel a little saddened after leaving him behind. Yes, he was very aware that phones and emails existed but Kyoya wasn't typically the one who kept in contact and Shinohara didn't look like someone who did that either. Kyoya only had friends because they were the ones contacting or bothering him.
"Wanted to say goodbye again?" Kyoya asked.
His colleagues had thrown him a small party the day before. He knew it was mainly because they wanted to take every chance to drink and have a good time because it surely wasn't for him, a person who they barely talked to.
"I couldn't talk freely back there", Shinohara said.
"You can talk freely now… or would you rather come in?"
"No, I'm not gonna stay long", Shinohara said in Japanese and Kyoya decided to switch too. "You know, I knew for some time that you had something going on with Kaoru… don't look so shocked, speaking our native language only works when I don't happen to be in my office".
Kyoya was a little taken aback because even if he suspected that Shinohara might have suspected something he had never expected this conversation. However, nothing he could see in Shinohara's appearance and demeanor told him that the other doctor was there for a sinister purpose.
"I-".
"You should have been more careful. Not that it matters now".
"Did you tell anyone? Grimes? Was that how he figured it out?"
"No. I didn't know that he knew".
"Why? Isn't that weird to you".
"It is… it was. I didn't understand it, but I was comparing your situation to mine and Hikaru's and I couldn't imagine Hikaru like that. Our relationship was very different. It was… ".
Shinohara looked remorseful and wistful. His shoulders were slouched and his hands were in his pockets.
"It was?" Kyoya helpfully prompted.
"I… I regret Hikaru… I mean, I regret my choices regarding him".
"What do you mean?" Kyoya inquired and Shinohara swallowed.
"I didn't want to get close to him because I knew he would eventually commit suicide or retire… but the problem is that I do care about him… a lot. It's almost paternal in a way and it bothers me. I should have been more supportive and treated him more than a paycheck but it didn't feel like something his doctor should do. I guess he would have benefited from anyone caring about him… you'll take care of him, right? I know you strongly prefer the other one but-".
"Of course", Kyoya assured without skipping a beat. "You don't need to worry about him anymore".
"I will always worry about him", Shinohara responded with a sad laugh and turned around to walk away. "Take care, Kyoya".
"Take care yourself, Hideki", Kyoya responded back, feeling a little weird at the use of the other man's first name, but also down at how final this moment felt.
Shinohara disappeared from view and Kyoya stepped back into his room and closed the door.
The next day Kyoya met with the twins in the hallway with their baggage in tow. They were waiting for someone to come and tell them that their ride was there.
Kaoru was currently a little younger and very tired and annoyed at being awoken so early. He knew most of the situation but he wasn't feeling strongly about it. A little fearful maybe but he trusted the adults.
"Did any of you two sleep?" He asked after some time.
"No", both Hikaru and Kyoya responded simultaneously.
At least Kyoya thought that he hadn't slept. He had been lying down in bed and it did feel like he got some rest but he never recalled actually falling asleep. No nightmares had occurred and he could definitely remember just resting completely conscious. It was a strange thing.
Kaoru stared in front of him, into nothing, for some time before "returning" again. Kyoya had started to become rather good at seeing at which stage in life Kaoru was from his body language. Not the exact age of course but he would like to think that it was close. This time around he could tell that Kaoru was at least close to his real age because he didn't look too confused over the situation and his eyes still had that look about them that made him appear older than he was.
"When will we be there?" Kaoru asked with a yawn.
"6 pm, unfortunately. It's a long journey. That's why we have snacks for the road. You're both going to be much more tired than you are now, I'll promise you that".
"Lovely", Hikaru remarked sarcastically with a groan.
"You can sleep in tomorrow. Or at least longer than you are used to. I'm not sure what your schedule will be".
Someone came over and told them that it was time to leave. Hikaru walked ahead of the other two in a quick pace while facing forward with purpose like he was literally leaving his old life behind and didn't dare to look back at it (which he was). The couple walked slower with Kaoru helping Kyoya with his luggage. Kyoya didn't have a lot either but it was much more than the tiny bag Hikaru was carrying. Without a care in the world, Kyoya laced their fingers together in a comforting manner. It astounded Kaoru at first but he quickly relaxed and just accepted the blunt gesture. They didn't have to care at all, the looks from around them were just eyes.
One pair was staring much more intensely than the others, the disgust and anger were more real and pure than the curious glances. With only a quick peek Kaoru could tell that it was a certain blonde boy who probably came to say goodbye. Being tired of people only respecting Kaoru because they felt some sort of ownership over him (like Rai did) he had never tried to reach out to Duncan after he became scattered. The guilt over what the serum had done was also a part of why he stayed away, yes, but his trust in the taller boy was completely diminished. Kaoru had reflected on it and accepted that he was just a little more than an object to people like that. It was sad but he knew he needed to be careful with those who were a little too friendly now.
However, Kaoru couldn't help but wonder what Duncan was feeling at that moment (it wasn't easy to stop caring altogether). Probably jealousy and hurt. Perhaps he was realizing that he blamed the wrong person for "keeping Kaoru away from him". Believing that Duncan had any self-awareness would be naive, he was still probably just as deep into his garbage as Hikaru was (at least how he was before). Kaoru wasn't going to stop and ask to make sure. Just like Hikaru did, he was going to move forward and not look back.