It's taken Dimitri a while but he's come to accept that there are always going to be days where it's harder to outrun the darkness.
Dr Matthews, who he stills calls Dr Matthews no matter how many years he's been his therapist or how many times he says Xavier is fine, shifts in the armchair opposite, chin cupped in his hand and notebook balance precariously on his knee.
"Do you want to tell me about last night?"
Not really, Dimitri wants to say but doesn't because he's older now, and those days of sessions spent in stoic silence are a thing of the distant past. And besides, he's the one who scheduled this emergency appointment.
"Not much to say," Dimitri says, voice almost monotone as he looks out the window at the grey sky. "My heavily pregnant wife, who's not supposed to be exerting herself, had to call her best friend to help her with our sick toddler screaming for half the night because I was having…"
"A PTSD episode," Dr Matthews supplies when he can't finish.
"Yeah," Dimitri sighs.
He shuts his eyes, cringing as the memory of the night before plays over and over in his mind; lying, frozen, in bed and listening to his daughter's insistent cries but not going to her because he was terrified of what might happen when he picked her up. Feeling Rose jolt awake beside him, seeing understanding chase away her lingering sleepiness and having to look away because he couldn't handle the torn look on her face as she debated staying with him or going to their daughter. Hearing her hiss of pain as she levered herself upright from the bed and the baby undoubtedly shifted against the pinched nerve in her back that had been plaguing her for weeks and hating himself even more.
"Do you think that's how Rose would characterise last night?"
The question throws Dimitri enough for a loop that he stirs, looking away from the window and back to his doctor. "What do you mean?"
"I mean do you think Rose would see it as her having to rely on someone else to help her with your daughter or would she see it as the community the two of you have built coming together to help support her partner through a PTSD episode."
He has to fight against the impulse to protest, to automatically argue that he should have been stronger than that, should have been able to handle it. Dr Matthews knows him well enough to know what's currently running through his head because he smiles a little.
"Can I ask you something?"
Dimitri raises an eyebrow. "That's kind of why we're here, Doctor Matthews."
"How would you feel if one of your friends called you needing your help? No more details than that, they just need your help right away, what would your response be?"
Dimitri huffs, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. "Point taken, Doc."
"Point taken?" Doctor Matthews prompts.
"That I hold myself to a higher standard than everyone else, and am more willing to offer help than to accept," Dimitri says, repeating something he's heard in this office countless times before.
Doctor Matthews' smile widens slightly, "It's a work in progress but keep at it." His eyes flick up to the clock. "And that's time, Dimitri. We'll go back to weekly sessions for the next little while? Make sure this is an isolated incident."
Dimitri breathes a sigh but nods. "That's probably for the best." The time between episodes has grown longer and longer, the last having been before Anastasia's birth, so it's hard to feel like this isn't a setback.
"Alright, I'll see you next week. And just remember, when your community is trying to be there for you, try leaning in instead of pushing back."
"Yeah," Dimitri says, standing from the lounge. "I'll keep that in mind."
He's still running Doctor Matthews words over in his mind when he pulls up in the driveway of the house and hears the babble of voices coming from inside. Hands still resting on the wheel, he almost backs right back out again, until he steels himself and opens the car door.
"Try leaning in instead," he repeats.
So he puts one foot in front of the other as he mounts the front steps and pushes open the front door. The first thing that hits him is the noise of a full house, the second being the two toddlers he almost trips over on his way through the door.
"Unca Mitri," Hayden babbles, stopping short of chasing Mason around.
"What are you two monsters doing?" He takes a deep breath and forces himself to trust that his hands are gentle enough as he ruffles the soft hair on the crown of their heads.
"Monsters, monsters monsters," they cheer, chasing one another in circles around his legs.
Dimitri chuckles and steps carefully between them to continue down the hall. He encounters Sydney, who flashes him a friendly smile as she follows the sound of the toddlers. When he steps into the living area, it's a chaos of sound and movement. Adrian, Eddie, and Mia are arguing over a hand of cards, Lissa is nursing newborn Rosalie, and chatting to Rose who's propped up on a mountain of cushions on the lounge.
"Hey Belikov," Christian says over the breakfast bar that separates the kitchen from the rest of the living room. "I'm making bacon sandwiches, you want one?"
Dimitri smiles softly, appreciative of the clear attempt at normalcy. His eyes find Rose, whose head has perked up at the sound of his name. She's rubbing her stomach with one hand while the other cradles Anastasia's little head where she has her ear pressed to Rose's stomach. There's a hint of worry in his wife's face, and he knows she's wondering if this is what he needs right now.
"Daddy daddy daddy," Anastasia squeals in delight and Dimitri crosses the room to sweep her into his arms.
"Hello, my miracle," he murmurs, before leaning down to press a kiss to Rose's waiting lips. She smiles as he draws back and touches his face reverently. Everyone's still chattering and moving around him, Christian yelling for them to come and get his food, and someone patting him on the shoulder on their way to the kitchen. Anastasia is giggling in his ear, and Rose is beaming at him with that smile he fell in love with so many years ago. And yeah, maybe there are days where the darkness almost catches him, but he knows he has a family waiting at home to chase away the shadows.
I wasn't 100% happy with this but I was also kind of sick of reading it over and over so here it is. I could have gone full dark with Dimitri with this prompt but I really wasn't in the mood for it. Also fair warning that everything I know about therapy and ptsd comes from my googling so you can attribute any inaccuracies to that. I hope you enjoyed it x