Fragile World
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these delightful characters, that honor belongs to Cassandra Clare. I have mostly followed the events of the show except for Simon's becoming a Vampire. For this story, I wanted Raphael to be his sire, so I followed the books version of his turning.
The Song is "Rise from the Ashes" by Quietdrive
Chapter 6
The walk to the Hunter's Moon was uneventful. Jace and Alec talked and joked a bit about some mission or another they had been on in the last week and Simon walked along silently listening to them banter back and forth, like the brothers that they were. The air smelled cold, like right before snow. He couldn't feel the cold, but he wore a jacket and scarf to keep anyone from looking at him strangely. He was carrying his guitar and Jace had his backpack slung across one shoulder. The bar had a keyboard if he needed, but lately, he'd been sticking to acoustic guitar. It seemed to fit his mood better than the upbeat keyboard and synthesizer he used a lot in his past gigs. He followed the other two boys into the bar, and he quickly spotted Maia waving at him from behind the counter. He made his way over to her and she smiled brightly at him.
"You're a lifesaver Si! For real, thank you thank you thank you," she said enthusiastically. "I owe you one!" Simon shrugged and motioned to Jace and Alec.
"Nah, just take care of my friends tonight, ok?" he said with a grin. "I promised them drinks. Magnus too, if he can make it."
"You got it, what do you boys want to start with?" she asked, looking at the two shadowhunters. They both ordered beer and Simon left them at the end of the bar to go over to the slightly raised area in the back corner where he usually performed. Bat was there getting the microphone and amps set up as he set his guitar down on the edge of the stage.
"Hey Bat," Simon greeted the werewolf.
"Yo Simon, how you been dude? It's been forever!" he exclaimed as he stood up. "Luke has been worried about you man." Simon frowned and bent down to get his guitar out so he could hide his face and compose himself.
"I've been…busy," he answered. "It's been a rather crazy few months and I haven't really had much time to socialize. Things have just sort of calmed down," he added as he swung the guitar strap over his shoulder and checked to make sure he was still in tune. "How have you been?"
"I've been good. Maia and I started dating," he said, glancing over at the bar and grinning. "Other than that, same old same old. Still DJ'ing and handling all other downworlder drama on the side. You know how it goes," he said with a knowing look.
"Uh, yea… I know how that goes," Simon responded as he set his now re-tuned guitar down on the stand. "I'm going to go grab my music and be ready to go shortly," he said as he practically ran back to the bar where Jace and Alec were sitting. They looked up as he sat in the seat next to them and slumped forward onto the bar.
"Um Simon," Alec said carefully. "Are you okay?" Simon grunted.
"I'm fine… it's just been a while since I've seen some of these people and the questions are awkward. And Bat said Luke was worried about me and now I feel guilty because I've been avoiding him because he's Clary's dad…" he trailed off as he buried his face in his arms.
"Come on dude, get yourself together," Jace said, poking his arm. "They probably don't even know what's going on. Just keep it basic and it will be fine." The blonde took hold of Simon's arm and yanked him up off the bar stool. "Now get your ass on stage and sing some songs," he demanded as he handed Simon his backpack. Simon stared at him for a minute. There was something in Jace's eyes and the way he talked to him that he couldn't quite place. It made him feel…warm? He shook his head to clear it, grabbed his backpack with a huff, and walked back to the stage to do a soundcheck with Bat before getting started. He grabbed his guitar, got situated on a stool and took a quick look around before taking a deep, unnecessary, breath and leaning toward the mic.
"Hey guys, what's up?" he asked the small crowd that was gathered. "I'm Simon Lewis and it's been a couple months since I performed here but I hope you enjoy," he finished as the crowd clapped and few people cheered. He smiled slightly as he strummed the opening to his first song. He had missed performing, it was almost like a stress relief for him. It made him forget his troubles, if only for a little while, and allowed him to express his emotions without having to actually talk about what he was feeling. He finished his first song and the crowd cheered loudly. He smiled again and moved immediately into his second song. As the night wore on, the crowd grew larger, and people were clapping and dancing and drinking and generally having a great time. After several songs, Simon put his guitar down and stood from the stool.
"Alright guys, I'm going to take a quick break and then I'll be back with more!" He made his way off the platform and over to the bar where his friends were sitting. At some point, Magnus had joined them and he was grinning broadly at Simon as he sat down next to them.
"Simon! You sound great! I didn't know you could sing like that!" he exclaimed, clapping his hands. Simon smiled sheepishly.
"Thanks, I like singing a lot. It's much less stressful doing it by myself instead of with three other morons with opinions about everything!" Simon said as he pushed his hair out of his face. "It's getting busy in here," he noted as he turned to look at Jace. "What do you think? You pleased with your set list?" he asked with a teasing tone. Jace threw his head back and laughed. It was a beautiful sound.
"Of course! How could it not be good," he said cockily. "Although, I can't take all the credit. You're the one with the voice," he said with a wink. Simon might have blushed, if he could. Was Jace Lightwood flirting with him? He was trying to come up with a witty comeback but froze on the spot as his eyes wandered to the door and landed on the three vampires that had just walked into the bar. Three vampires that he both wanted to see horribly and dreaded seeing all at once. Raphael, Stan and Lily made their way gracefully to the other end of the bar, not having seen him yet. Simon felt like he couldn't breathe, his chest tightened, and he gasped for air. He quickly stood, mumbled something to his friends and fled for the bathroom before he could lose his shit in front of them.
Once he was in the hallway that led to the bathrooms, he leaned heavily against the wall and tried to take deep breaths. Stupid human reactions. He still found it rather annoying that he didn't need to breath and still he had the urge and reactions that required breath. He shouldn't be having a panic attack when he didn't need to breath air into the very lungs that 'felt' like they were suffocating him. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall concentrating on the steady thump of the bass in whatever song was playing on the jukebox while he was offstage. He jumped when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. He didn't have to open his eyes to know it was Jace. He could smell the sweet scent of honey and sunshine which seemed to cling to the other boy.
"What's going on?" Jace asked as he leaned against the wall next to Simon. "You look like you saw a ghost," he added. Simon let out a slightly hysterical laugh at that.
"Might as well have been a ghost," he uttered bitterly. "My Sire is here…with Stan and Lily. They're at the other end of the bar." Jace looked surprised as he looked back toward the far end of the bar and searched for the other vampires.
"I'm not really sure why that's a bad thing," he said, confusion lacing his words as he looked back at the vampire. "Did something happen between you guys that I don't know about?" Simon sighed and slumped down the wall, so he was sitting on the ground.
"They hate me. Not just dislike me or find me annoying. They quite literally hate me. I was banned from the Dumort months ago…. for following Clary. I was such as idiot…. but my following Clary is akin to betrayal in the clan's book." Jace's eyes widened a bit as he crouched down beside Simon.
"They kicked a newborn vampire out of the clan? With no plan for training or guidance? What a bunch of morons!" he exclaimed. The blonde got back to his feet and extended a hand to Simon to help him up. "Well come on then," he said as he pulled the vampire back to his feet. "Get your butt up there and finish your performance so we can get you hammered." Simon chuckled at the attempt at lightening the situation and followed Jace back out to the bar again. He made his way back to the stage among the cheering of the bar's occupants and Maia, who was cheering the loudest from behind the bar.
"Alright guys, who's ready for some more music?!" he asked and received exuberant shouts and cheers. He chuckled and strummed the intro to the next song. Another forty minutes had passed, and he was on his final song of the evening. "This last song is a new one," Simon said into the mic as he looked around the bar, his eyes pausing briefly on Raphael, who was still sitting at the far end of the bar face unreadable. "I haven't tried it out on anyone yet, so I hope you like it!" He played a few notes on his guitar and sang with all the feelings he could muster.
I felt this way before
I fell right through the floor
And I am certain I've become
Broken, bruised, and numb
Would you restate your opinion
And hold back your investigation?
Do you see the sins you're making?
Because I've made them all before
I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
And my only hope
Is falling down
Simon looked around the bar as he sang, finding his friends, drinks in hand and smiling. Jace raised his glass in salute as he met Simon's gaze. Alex and Magnus smiled at him as Magnus stood swaying to the tune of his song. As he started the next verse his gaze gravitated back to Raphael, meeting the dark eyes of the Latino vampire.
And by my own admission
You'll find that my condition
Is worse than you imagined
You're better off if you know
But every time before that I
Have tried to measure pain inside
You can't ignore it
Right now, I can't ignore it
I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me
It's settling, it's settling
It's settling inside of me
It's settling inside of me
It's settling
I'll take my heart
And rip my feelings out
Before they make me doubt
And I'll fall down with flames burning
Alive again
As long as you know that
Simon didn't say anything as he ended the song, eyes still locked in a staring contest with his Sire. He couldn't hear the sounds of the bar around him, the cheering of crowd and loud conversations, everything seemed muffled as his sole focus remained on Raphael. There was something in the Clan leader's eyes that he couldn't read, something that made Simon feel uncertain. He nodded at Raphael, just a slight downward movement of his chin, so small that no one would even notice. Raphael just narrowed his eyes and turned away quickly, leaning in to say something to Lily before they all got up and left the bar without a backward glance.
Simon felt the burn behind his eyes that meant tears were coming whether he liked it or not and he quickly packed his guitar away and, for the second time that night, made his way to the hall leading to the bathrooms. Only this time, he didn't stop until he was out the back door in the ally behind the bar. He dropped his guitar case and wrapped his arms tightly around his torso, willing the tears and the feeling of abandonment away. He didn't look up as the door opened behind him, he knew who it was, he could smell them and hear the beating of their hearts. He choked on a sob as Magnus wrapped his arms around him tightly, drawing him as close as he could.
"It's alright little one, it will be alright. We're here for you," the warlock mumbled softly in his ear as he gently rubbed his hands up and down the vampire's back. Simon stood stiffly in the other man's arms, not completely wanting the comfort he was offering. Magnus continued to rub his back soothingly and Simon eventually slumped forward in defeat.
"Let's go home, please," Simon whimpered into the warm shoulder he was leaning against. The warlock hummed an affirmative as he rearranged them so that he could walk with his arm still tightly wrapped around Simon's shoulder. Simon saw Jace move to pick up his guitar as Magnus led him back toward the loft. It was a quick walk, and several minutes later found Simon being passed off to Alec on the couch as Magnus went into the kitchen to warm up some blood. Jace took his guitar down the hall and returned a few minutes later without it. The blond sat down in the chair facing the couch, looking decidedly uncomfortable with the serious atmosphere in the apartment. Everyone was silent until Magnus made his way back into the room with a mug clutched in his right hand. He held it out to Simon as he crouched down in front of him.
"Drink," he ordered, his tone leaving no room for argument. Simon took the cup and slowly raised it to his lips, taking a tentative sip before lowering it to his lap. He leaned his head against Alec's shoulder as he waited to see if the nausea would be returning before he attempted to drink any more. He stayed silent looking down into the mug of warm blood trying to find an answer to a question he wasn't even sure how to voice. He took another sip of the liquid and placed the mug on the coffee table. He shrugged Alec's arm off his shoulders and stood up, not making eye contact with any of them.
"I need to go lay down," he mumbled as he made his way to his room and shut the door. Without his consent, he slumped against the door and slid down to bury his face in his knees, crying silent tears as he finally accepted and mourned the loss of his clan.
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Magnus huffed and cursed under his breath as the fledgling fled to his room, avoiding his feelings and pushing them away. Alec placed a comforting hand on his boyfriend's shoulder as he moved to stand beside him.
"He just needs some space, Magnus. You can't smother him all the time," he teased.
Jace flopped back in his chair and gazed at them, a hint of confusion on his face.
"I think I'm missing something," he said as he scooped Chairman Meow up into his lap. "I realize that I'm really bad at feelings and things, but I can't help notice how touchy feely the three of you are all of a sudden. And I guess I'm not really understanding all this stuff with Simon and the clan. Why is he so upset about it?" he asked curiously. Alec sat on the couch pulling Magnus down with him before responding.
"Vampires are a family mentality, like werewolves and their packs. Fledglings rely a great deal on the training and support from the clan. Not only mental but physical as well. New vampires crave physical comfort, a lot of physical comfort. It's why you don't really see vampires leaving clans until years after they've been turned. Being that close to family allows for all of the physical support they need; it ensures that someone is always available when something comes up or a fledgling is in distress. That's why we are so "touchy feely" as you put it. Simon spent a lot of time on his own with no clan and no friends. In the process, he forgot his need for touch as well as for proper nourishment. He was quite literally starving, for both touch and blood. When he showed up here weeks ago, it re-awakened his bodies natural instinct for touch. It's not the same as the clan, but Magnus and I try to provide what we can to help ease the craving." Jace sat back contemplating the new information he had received.
"So he is upset about the clan because it's physically effecting him as well as mentally. I'm assuming it's worse with Raphael because he is Simon's sire. So, his abandonment hurts more because they share blood?" Magnus nodded.
"Exactly. Simon's body craves to be close to Raphael whenever he is near. The blood they share calls to him but not being able to initiate contact… I can't imagine how painful that could be for him. He is already in quite a fragile mental state…" Magnus trailed off as his eyes drifted down the hall toward Simon's room. "If I thought it would help, I'd go kick Raphael's ass myself," he muttered.
Jace would help Magnus beat up the other vampire if he thought it would help any. Unfortunately, it would only make matters worse at this point. He sat back and sighed loudly.
"Well, since we can't kick vampire ass, what are our other options?" he asked seriously. He wanted to help Simon and help him he would.
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Several days passed and Simon had forced himself to return to normal. He returned to spending time in the main living area with Magnus and Alec as well as eating meals with them. He was able to keep the bagged blood down longer than before, but it still didn't agree with him. About half an hour after meals, he would find himself in the bathroom, his body rejecting whatever blood was still left in his stomach. He didn't say anything to the others as he didn't want to worry them and some part of him felt like he deserved it.
As the days progressed, Jace became a prominent fixture in the loft as well. Simon would find him there waiting when he'd come back from an errand or walk. Sometimes he would randomly show up in the middle of the day with food and a movie or video game. It was kind of nice. Simon liked spending time with the other boy. After the initial awkwardness and small talk, the two had started talking about more serious things. Eventually they talked about how each of them had died and been brought back and how it had felt.
Jace had talked about finding out that Valentine was his father and how everyone treated him when they found out. He talked about how everyone thought he was a traitor even though he was just trying to protect the ones he loved. He talked about how Valentine had killed him that night at Lake Lyn and how disconnected he had felt upon coming back. He told him about the possession by the owl and how it had affected him during and after and about the guilt that still haunted him at all the evil he had done while being possessed. He told him about how Clary had thrown herself at him when she found out that he wasn't her brother and demanded they be together but that he couldn't; that he had really thought of her as his sister, and he couldn't change that feeling no matter how hard he tried. He talked about how out of place he still felt after everything even though Alec was in charge and he was back on active duty and going on missions.
Simon told Jace about his death; how he had felt like he was going crazy before he eventually found himself back at the hotel where he had then been killed. He told him about the anger he felt at Clary for choosing to bring him back without thinking about what he would want. He talked about the clan and Raphael and how, after some adjustment, he had settled into his new life with them. He talked about his need to stand with Clary so that at least something in his life would be normal and he wouldn't spiral completely out of control. He talked about how that had cost him everything in the end and he had been banned from the hotel and clan. He talked about living in the abandoned building near his mom's townhome; about how he had become detached and was doing the bare minimum required for him to not kill anyone. He even went so deep as to tell Jace about his mom and sister and Magnus's suspicions surrounding their deaths.
It was not surprising then, given the amount of time that the two were spending together, that Jace soon joined the "give Simon all the physical comfort that he needs' club and it became a normal occurrence to find the two lounging together on the couch, Jace's arm slung around Simon's shoulders or Simon sprawled out with his head in Jace's lap. Despite all the negativity, Simon was starting to feel like things might just be heading in the right direction once more.
A/N: That seems like a good place to stop! Hope you enjoyed. Next chapter is in the works. I think another run in with Raphael, and perhaps a confrontation with Clary or Camille…I'm still deciding. Anyway, it's coming soon. Thanks for reading!