AN: Hey guys. Life is happening pretty fast. And so is this story. We're almost done? I've said before that the Ber months have been giving me trouble. They still are. Bear with me as I work on the succeeding chapters. But this here is August. We get a glimpse of Addison and Timothy's relationship, and the beginning of Derek's confusion over his feelings for Addison.
Thanks for reading and reviewing the previous chapter. Stay safe!
"Nancy pants?"
"Hey loser!"
Well. The wind blew a lot of bizarre things into Seattle Grace, but Mark didn't expect Nancy Shepherd of all people to come flying into the hospital.
He moved to return her embrace, careful of the coffee she was holding in one hand.
"What are you doing here?" he asked with an excited smile.
"All of you moved out here, figured it was high time to see what Seattle has that New York doesn't," she said. At Mark's skeptical look, she sighed. "Mom sent me."
"Mom?"
She shrugged. "Derek hasn't been home in a long time. And so have you, come to think of it. But last week at John's birthday, Kathleen let slip that Addison had moved down here. And well… you know how Mom can be."
Mark raised a brow at Nancy. "Even if she wasn't Addison's biggest fan?"
"I think the mission is more for Derek's well-being than anything, but of course she said to check in on Addie too."
Mark hummed thoughtfully. "Can I lead you to Derek's office?"
"I would appreciate that," she said with a grin, linking arms with Mark as they made their way to his office.
When they got there, Mark knocked on the door, opening it just slightly at Derek's beckoning.
"Someone is here to see you," he announced jovially before opening the door completely.
Derek looked up from his paperwork, seeing Nancy standing at the doorway with Mark. "Nancy."
"Derek," she greeted, inviting herself in and walking towards Derek.
Derek stood up, a completely flabbergasted expression on his face as he gave his sister a hug. "Not that I'm not glad to see you, because I am—"
"Mmmhmm," Nancy replied skeptically.
"—but what in the world are you doing here?" Derek continued, ignoring her.
"Just thought I'd check in on you," she said, moving to take a once over of Derek's office and nodding in approval.
Mark stepped in and closed the door behind him, sniggering slightly at Derek's discomfort over his sister's sudden appearance.
"Your mom sent her to spy on you," Mark said with a grin.
Nancy shot him a look while Derek shook his head.
"I did not come here to spy on Derek," Nancy said indignantly. "To spy would mean I go about my thing hiding and undercover. But I'm about as subtle as a bullhorn and I don't intend to 'spy'."
"She's right," Derek said to Mark. "Spying isn't really her thing. She prefers being all up in your face." Derek ignored Nancy's frown as he turned to her. "So to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"
Nancy rolled her eyes. "Do I need a reason to visit my brother?"
"Whom she hasn't seen in years?" Mark added without prompt, looking knowingly at Derek.
"He's right," Nancy said with a smirk in Mark's direction, placing a hand on her hip.
Derek sighed. "Fine. You don't need a reason," he conceded begrudgingly.
Nancy laughed then. "Didn't you miss me just a little bit?"
Derek rolled his eyes. "Did I miss being assaulted by my many sisters? Not really," he said dryly. "But I did miss you a little," he relented.
"Gee, thanks," Nancy answered sarcastically, taking a seat on the couch and patting the seat next to her for Mark to come. He followed suit.
Derek looked between Nancy and Mark, who were seeming well at home in his office before he sighed and took a seat behind his desk.
"I have actual work, you know," he said as he took a folder and opened it.
"More important than your sister being here?" Nancy asked with a raised brow, crossing her legs and sinking deeper in the couch.
"I have a surgery in about an hour," Derek replied curtly.
"Perfect. I can sit in the gallery," she smiled, taking a sip of her coffee.
"I don't think that's allowed," Derek said, frowning.
"I'll make sure you get in," Mark reassured her, patting her thigh and grinning at Derek. At Derek's scowl, Mark put on an innocent face. "What? Your sister is here from out of town and of course she wants to see what an amazing neurosurgeon you've become."
"Too amazing to return phone calls and come home to the East Coast," Nancy pointed. "Of course I had to see what the fuss was about."
Derek's scowl deepened. "Fine. It's just a shunt insertion. Nothing terribly lifesaving."
"Maybe we'll run into Addison," Nancy offered cheerily, her face too innocent to be anything but.
Before Derek could react, Mark answered her. "I'll page her and see what she's up to."
"I would love that," Nancy grinned, obviously taking much pleasure in making Derek uncomfortable. She turned to him then. "Do I also get to meet your girlfriend?"
"That depends," Derek answered testily.
"We can arrange dinner," Mark offered with a wink. "Does Italian sound good to you?"
"Italian sounds great," Nancy replied. "Addison will come right?"
Derek shot mark a warning look, knowing it might not go well to mix Addison, Nancy and Meredith, but Mark ignored him.
"I'm sure she'll be glad to come if her schedule permits," Mark said. "Anyway, let me go check on Addison. I'll come pick you up here in 30 minutes, Nancy? We can go to the gallery together."
"That sounds lovely. Thanks, Mark," she said.
"Sure thing," he answered before heading out the door in search of Addison.
When the door closed behind him, Nancy placed her coffee cup on the side table and adjusted herself in her seat. "So how have you been, Derek?"
"Here we go," Derek said on a sigh.
Nancy looked affronted. "What?"
"There's absolutely no reason to believe that you flew all the way to Seattle because you missed me," Derek said. "What are you up to?"
"I'm not up to anything," Nancy replied primly. "I really only am here because I haven't seen you in a while."
"Why didn't you call ahead?"
"Would you have picked up if I called?" she countered with a raised brow. At Derek's silence, she nodded. "9 out of 10 calls I make to you go unanswered," she pointed.
"How scientific," he retorted. "Tell me, is that evidence based?"
"Derek."
"I answered your call last time."
"No, you didn't. You answered Kate's call."
Derek rolled his eyes. "It's the same thing and you know it. I talk to one and all of a sudden the three of you know. You're worse than the Holy Trinity—you talk to the Holy Spirit and then God the Father and God the Son are automatically in the loop."
"Yes, well, the point still stands," she sniffed. "You wouldn't have answered if I called ahead."
"You can't just show up to my place of work like this," Derek said.
Nancy rolled her eyes. "It's not like I'm beating people up or being disrespectful. I'm a family member, visiting my brother. I'm sure your chief would be glad to have me here. After all, you haven't been taking any vacations to see your family."
Derek groaned. "How long will you be here?"
"Anxious to get rid of me already?"
"I just want to know how many days off I should take," he shot back. "So I can take you around the city."
Nancy was stunned for brief moment before she smiled. "I'll be here 3 days." She cleared her throat then. "Now, how about I stop beating around the bush and ask you point blank—how are you and Addison doing?"
"Nancy," he sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I knew you came here for Addison."
"I didn't come for Addison," she corrected. "I came for AddisonandDerek."
"There is no AddisonandDerek," he said, meeting her gaze.
"But not for lack of want on your part, right?" she asked knowingly.
"Nancy," he said again, trying to sound patient but unable to keep the exasperation from his tone. "You keep in touch with Addison. You know she's recently divorced and having a bit of a rough time. Implying that there could be an AddisonandDerek at this point in time is just insensitive."
Nancy uncrossed her legs and stared at Derek. "But not for lack of want on your part, right?" she repeated, looking expectantly at her brother.
Derek sighed, avoiding Nancy's gaze. "I have a girlfriend."
"So I've gathered," she conceded. "Is it serious?"
"Serious enough that I hope to God you won't jeopardize it when you meet her," he said. "Lord help me. Don't make me regret dinner tonight."
"Oh please, be thankful it's me. It could be much worse."
"You mean Kate?"
Nancy shrugged. "Yeah. Or me and Kate."
"Let me count my blessings then," he answered wryly, flipping a page on the folder he was holding.
"Seriously though. How are things with you and Addie?"
"We're friends," he said simply, not looking up.
"Just friends?" she asked, her tone just this side of skeptical.
"Just friends," Derek confirmed, finally looking up to look her in the eyes. "Now, go drink your coffee while I finish my pre-op notes. We can walk to the OR together."
Nancy frowned but did as she was told, pulling a medical journal from the coffee table and browsing through it as she waited for her brother to finish his pre-op notes. Her agenda wasn't so much as to get Addison and Derek back together, although that would be lovely for all intents and purposes. It was really just to see how they were doing. She hadn't seen Derek in at least two years, and Addison surely needed a friend, a familiar face after being in a new city for half a year. Now was a good a time as any to pop in, after their mother's prodding and Kate's insatiable need to get their only brother to finally settle down.
As soon as Derek finished his pre-op notes, there was a swift knock on the door, revealing Mark.
"You guys ready to go?"
"Just in time," Derek said, standing up and taking a file with him. Nancy stood up as well, discarding her coffee cup and following him out of the office.
"Where's Addison?" she asked Mark, matching their pace towards the OR complex.
"She's just making patient rounds but she'll pop in."
"Did you tell her I was here?"
"I did," Mark confirmed. "Was it supposed to be a surprise?"
Nancy shrugged. "No, not really. Would've been nice to see her reaction though."
"Think she'll be happy to have you here?"
"I know she'll be happy to have me here," she pointed. Mark had to concede to that. The two really did get along well.
Derek moved to the scrub room, and Mark and Nancy took their place in the gallery. No one else was there because the procedure was a simple laminectomy. Meredith was scrubbed in, assisting Derek.
About twenty minutes from the time Derek made his first incision, the door to the gallery opened. Nancy turned her head to see Addison grinning at her as she walked in. They immediately hugged, Nancy all too happy to see the redhead.
"Nancy, what a surprise!" Addison exclaimed.
"Thought I'd drop in to see how Seattle's been treating you," she smiled, taking a step back to assess Addison. "You've lost weight," she observed with a frown.
Addison rolled her eyes. "You sound like your mother."
"Normally, that would piss me off, but right now it's the truth."
Addison shrugged, pulling Nancy to the benches so they could sit next to Mark. "How've you been?"
"Bored without you to run into during the day," Nancy said honestly. "Now I have to find other friends at the hospital."
Addison smiled. "Sinai not bursting with friendly doctors?"
"None that I'd be remotely interested in being best friends with."
Addison hummed thoughtfully. "How's everyone back there?"
"Same old, same old," Nancy replied. "I worked on a case with Matthew recently, actually," she continued, sounding nonchalant but also hoping it would broach the topic she was dying to know about.
Addison raised a brow. "Really?"
Nancy nodded. "I've been working with him more now since you left."
Addison bit her lower lip, trying to gage how she felt about the mention of Matthew. It didn't give her the sharp pain she was expecting. But it did bring a wave of sadness. "How's he been?" she asked quietly.
Nancy looked at Addison thoughtfully, noting how she lowered her voice in a way that only meant she was trying to rein in her emotions. Mark caught her eye then, cocking his head slightly to the side. Nancy sighed. "He's been well."
"Yeah?" Addison asked, her tone unreadable.
Well. It was the truth. On the outside, Matthew Bradford definitely looked like he was on top of the world. Matthew was busy being the person he had buried for so long, and it seemed as though he had the world at his feet. If they didn't know he had just gotten out of a divorce, no one would have ever suspected. He was bright and jolly at work, pleasant to be around with, and was for all intents and purposes still the same Dr. Bradford people loved. But Nancy knew better, of course. She had had double dates with Addison and Matthew over the years that she was aware Matthew was also trying to navigate uncharted waters, and that without Addison at his side, he was just as lost. He just didn't care enough to share that with the rest of the world.
"He been dating every male attending at Sinai?" Mark asked, a glimmer in his eye that Nancy thought was protectiveness over Addison.
"Not really," Nancy answered. "Or not that I know of," she amended. "But you know him, Addie. He doesn't like showing people he has problems to deal with."
Addison nodded slowly. "I guess."
"He's asked about you once or twice. I think he misses you," Nancy said gently.
Addison sighed, giving Nancy a half smile. "Me too," she admitted quietly. "But this is for the best. He probably just misses his best friend." She didn't doubt that Matthew missed her—there was a sureness in their relationship that made her certain she didn't suddenly become nothing to Matthew.
Nancy couldn't disagree with that. So she nodded wordlessly.
"So what do you tell him when he asks about Addie?" Mark asked curiously.
"Well, there wasn't much to say. I only just recently found out you moved to Seattle."
"He knows I'm in Seattle?"
"If I didn't tell him, it's terribly easy to google you and figure out where you're currently affiliated with," Nancy answered.
Addison hummed thoughtfully. "He probably feels bad that he drove me all the way across the country," she laughed.
Nancy chuckled. "He did seem rather surprised. He was just as sure as everyone that you'd never leave New York. Especially, you know… since after Derek."
It was true. Addison had dug her heels even deeper in New York, a defense mechanism of sorts, after she and Derek broke up. She didn't want to believe she wasted a good 10 year relationship on her obsession over staying put in a city. It wasn't all just about that, of course. But plainly, she didn't want to move from New York. And she carried that with her like an anthem for the years to come. Matthew knew that.
"What does he think of Addie being all the way here then?" Mark asked.
Nancy shrugged. "I think he feels a little guilty."
"As he should," Mark concluded with certainty.
Addison shook her head. "No reason to feel guilty," she smiled. "I hope you tell him that when you see him again. I don't begrudge him for anything."
"Really?" Nancy asked skeptically.
"I couldn't," she admitted. "You know him—the sweetest person in the world. There's just absolutely no way I could."
Nancy nodded in acquiescence. Matthew was a nice guy, the kind who was hard to hate.
"Tell him I hope he's doing well," Addison continued, feeling nothing but sincerity as she hoped Nancy would pass the message along. Nancy only smiled and nodded before she turned her attention to Derek's surgery, unsure about what she thought about Addison's feelings.
"Your sister's energy astounds me," Meredith remarked as she fiddled with her hair in the front seat of Derek's jeep, trying to fix the strands on their way to dinner.
"What do you mean?" Derek asked distractedly.
"I mean," she said, "that it's probably 10 in the evening in the East Coast, she just flew cross country this morning, and she still has the energy to have dinner with us on her first night."
"She's a doctor," Derek answered plainly, turning left at the intersection.
"So are we," she pointed, "but I don't think I'd have the energy for so many people after a day like that."
"She's excited to meet you," he reasoned. Nancy had insisted on having dinner that very same night. She hadn't yet met Meredith, and when Addison had mentioned Derek was dating, an intern no less, she decided she wasn't going to wait one second longer than she had to to meet Meredith Grey.
Meredith groaned at the fringe that wouldn't cooperate before sighing and setting the visor up. "If she wanted to meet me, why do Mark and Addison have to be there?"
Derek shrugged. "Mark and Addison are family to Nancy. She wanted them to be there, too."
Meredith made a face but kept quiet, with Derek maneuvering the car into the parking lot of a restaurant Mark had chosen for dinner. The place looked posh, so unlike the restaurants she and Derek frequented on dates. But she often forgot that Derek was a New Yorker, that Mark and Addison were WASPs, and that Nancy surely had fine taste.
"I didn't know there was gonna be a dress code," Meredith said as she exited the car, feeling self-conscious about the jeans and jacket she just threw on after her shift.
Derek locked the door and circled around the car, glancing over at Meredith's outfit. He was in a pair of jeans and a dress shirt, and was slightly better off than Meredith in the dress code department. But he shrugged and took her hand. "Don't worry about it."
He tried to sound reassuring, but knowing Nancy, she would probably give Meredith the once over and then proceed to judging her. Meredith wasn't wrong for being anxious. This was going to be an exceptionally long night, and he only hoped Nancy's energy would wear off or that her jet lag would kick in before dessert was served.
Derek and Meredith were led to the table by the hostess, and he noted that all three of them were already at the table. Nancy had changed into a black dress with a string of pearls, Mark was in a blue suit jacket and a white button down that was open one button lower than was considered formal, and Addison, well. She was in an emerald green sleeveless dress, her hair perfectly coiffed and ruby earrings dangling from her ears. She looked stunning.
Nancy looked up just in time to see Derek place a hand on the small of Meredith's back, leading her to the table.
"Derek, you made it," Nancy smiled, and then turned her attention to Meredith. "And you must be Meredith. I'm Nancy Shepherd," she said, standing up from her chair and offering Meredith her hand to shake.
Meredith shook her hand and smiled self-consciously. "It's nice to meet you."
Nancy gestured for them to take a seat. Derek graciously pulled out the seat for Meredith before he sat right next to her, fixing everyone a smile.
"We haven't ordered yet," Mark said, his hand holding a glass of champagne. "Go and take a look at the menu and then we can let them know what we want."
"How was your surgery?" Addison asked, setting her own wine glass down and looking at Derek.
Derek shrugged. "It was alright," he said, glancing at the menu and suddenly having flashbacks of dinners with Addison and her family in New York—salmon and filet mignon, foie gras and caviar, all foreign to him before he had met Addison. He chanced a brief look at Meredith who was biting her lip and no doubt pondering why they would choose such a nice place for a random weekday dinner.
After a moment, Nancy cleared her throat, smiled kindly at Derek before she called a waiter over to give their orders. When that was settled, Nancy looked straight at Meredith, a brief glint in her eye Derek was sure only meant she was about to go for the jugular.
"So, Meredith," Nancy started. "I heard you work at Seattle Grace too. How are you finding it?"
Meredith shrugged. "Busy," she answered, "but any internship is probably cut throat."
"Is that where you and Derek met?" she asked. Beside her, Mark coughed comically, receiving a kick in the shin from Addison under the table.
Meredith looked at Derek nervously, who was glaring at Nancy.
"Nance—"
"Oh, let her answer, Derek. I'm just trying to get to know her," Nancy said sweetly, cutting Derek off.
"We met at the mixer," Meredith answered, smiling and hoping to God her smile looked more confident than she felt.
"I see," Nancy replied. "Did you sleep with him that first night or did you wait until the 2nd date?"
"Nancy!" Derek exclaimed, glaring at her while Meredith flushed. Mark sniggered next to Nancy, and when Derek glared at him too, he just held up a hand in mock surrender.
"I didn't know he was an attending," Meredith said defensively.
Derek shook his head. "Meredith, there's no need to answer her. She's being rude."
"Oh, come now, Derek," Nancy said. "It's all just a bit of fun."
"Let's not torture the poor girl," Addison said before Derek could reply, taking one look at Meredith and taking pity on her. Nancy was a beast all on her own, and Meredith should be glad it was just Nancy tonight. But despite that, she didn't want Meredith feeling too intimidated by the Shepherd sisters. Derek wanted Meredith, and it was imperative that Meredith make a good impression, survive this dinner, if she wanted the Shepherd sisters' affection. "Besides, I'd rather not know when Derek first slept with her. But I would like to know where you bought that lovely necklace you have," she continued, gesturing to the pearl necklace Nancy was wearing.
Nancy looked down to where Addison was pointing, giving her a grin. "A gift from John. For our anniversary."
"It's beautiful," Addison remarked casually. "John always had such great taste. Do you remember that brooch he got you for Christmas that one year?"
"The emerald brooch?"
Addison shook her head. "No, the blue one, like Princess Diana's engagement ring."
Nancy looked fond for a moment. "I'd forgotten I had that. Brooches went out of fashion ages ago, but that sapphire brooch is a thing of beauty for sure."
Derek took a quick glance at Meredith, who was taking a long drink of her water trying to recover from Nancy's bluntness and wishing it was tequila. And then he sent Addison a quick, grateful smile, to which she only nodded. Addison had always been smooth, and too classy for her own good.
"You should wear it. Who cares if it's out of fashion," Addison answered without missing a beat. "That's what Matthew would have said anyway."
"Matthew had such great taste, too," Nancy commented, taking a sip of her champagne.
"And now we know why," Addison said dryly, chuckling after a second.
"Better check if John knows robin egg blue from Tiffany blue," Mark chipped in good-naturedly. "I hear that was one of Addison's red flags."
Addison rolled her eyes. "We're stereotyping. Kate would disapprove."
"Kate disapproves of everything," Mark countered.
Addison cocked her head to the side. "That's true," she conceded mildly.
Meredith looked between Derek and Mark. "Who's Kate?"
"Derek's sister," Mark answered, not missing the brow Nancy raised, no doubt taking down notes on how Meredith didn't know the names of all of Derek's sisters.
"I have a lot of sisters," Derek said casually. "Too many of them," he continued, looking pointedly at Nancy.
"Hey!" Nancy exclaimed. "You have four sisters who love you and are only looking out for you. Not that you've been especially present the past few years, but we still care."
"Four sisters?" Meredith squeaked. Four sisters sounded like too much family to her. Derek had never mentioned that to her. He mentioned "sisters", always collectively, that she assumed maybe two of them. She didn't realize it was two… times two.
Derek nodded in affirmation, feeling just a little guilty about the panic registered on Meredith's face. "You'll meet all of them eventually," he said, patting Meredith on the knee just under the table. "You might meet Kate and Liz if we fly to New York at some point."
"Or they might fly over here," Nancy interjected innocently.
"They won't," Derek said firmly, eyeing Nancy before calling for a waiter to order a scotch. He needed a bit of alcohol tonight. Just a bit.
"You said four sisters though. That's only three," Meredith said to Derek.
"My, isn't she a smart one," Nancy remarked under her breath.
Derek shot her a warning look before turning to Meredith. "It's unlikely you'll run into Amelia any time soon."
Meredith nodded unsurely. "Why's that?"
"Hurricane Amelia," Mark said by way of explanation. "Bit unpredictable."
"Flighty," Nancy added. "We call her Houdini."
"Has anyone even heard from her recently?" Mark asked Nancy as he took a sip of his liquor.
Nancy shrugged. "The only person who bothers to communicate with her aside from mom is Addie," she answered, gesturing vaguely in Addison's direction. "We may as well just ask her," she answered, looking at the redhead.
"You keep in touch with Amelia?" Derek asked, the surprise evident in his voice. He knew Addison kept in touch with his sisters, but he didn't know that included Amelia. In retrospect though, he shouldn't have been surprised. Addison had always been good at keeping up with his family even when they were together, and Amelia nearly hero-worshipped the ground Addison walked on.
Addison seemed nonplussed as she shrugged, noting the server behind her trying to serve their starters. She let them do just that, taking her time before answering Derek's lingering inquiry on her relationship with his youngest sister. He still had that same curious, questioning expression on his face even after his starter was served, which Addison knew was cue for her to answer.
"She's doing well," Addison replied vaguely.
"Well, as in?" Derek prodded gently, brows raised in expectation.
Addison shrugged, "Well, as in she finished medical school and is in training right now."
Nancy nodded. "Mom attended her graduation," she commented as she took a bite of her salad. "Where is she training?"
"She's training with Ruth Ginsberg."
There was a short clatter as Meredith dropped her spoon, and Derek stared blankly at Addison.
"Ginsberg?" Derek asked, even more surprised than he was a few seconds ago. "As in—"
"Geraldine Ginsberg. The one and only," Addison confirmed, mixing her salad greens with poise.
Mark whistled. "Man, Amy is doing great then."
"Amy is training to be a neurosurgeon," Derek stated in a bit of shock.
Addison nodded, brow furrowing at Derek's reaction. "Yeah, you grow them like weeds, apparently."
Derek nodded dumbly, trying to wrap his head around the fact this his baby sister, the prodigal sister who wrecked his car and stole his prescription pad, was training to be a neurosurgeon just like him. He wondered how it came to be that he knew nothing of what Amy was up to for the past few years, and why Addison knew more than any of them.
"Well, if that's the case, I'm glad," Nancy said diplomatically. "If she has her life in the right direction, that's all we can ask for."
"Why's that?" Meredith asked, a spoonful of soup halfway to her mouth when she spoke.
"Amelia is a drug addict," Nancy said simply, nonchalantly, as if having a sister who had a drug problem was the most natural thing in the world.
"A recovering addict," Addison corrected smoothly. "I don't know how a drug addict could get through medical school and the rigors of residency. She's recovered."
There was a short pause, and then, "Why does Addison know this and none of you don't?" Meredith continued, looking at Derek.
Derek sighed, feeling a slight headache coming. "No one keeps in touch with Amy," he answered honestly. "She was a bit of a lost cause for a while."
"No one has spoken to her in… years," Nancy supplied, looking wistful for a second before she took another bite of her salad.
"But Addison does," Meredith answered, her tone only just slightly accusatory.
"Addison is a sister to all of us," Nancy said quickly and sharply in defense. "Even to Amelia."
"Especially to Amelia," Mark remarked, casting Addison a small smile and patting her knee under the table.
Derek gazed at Addison for a second, remembering the first day he brought her home. Amelia was fourteen—so young, so impressionable, and so immediately won over by the redhead who looked beyond her teenage failures and always took her side. Addison's relationship with Amelia, although something that often had them fighting, was one of the reasons he knew Addison was the one.
He thought of Amy then—dead for three minutes, Addison back to back with him trying to revive her. Amy, who totaled his car, stole his prescription pad. Amy, so small as he held her back in the back of the store the day their father was shot to death. His relationship with Amelia had always been difficult. He was perpetually stuck in that limbo between loving her and hating her. And as usual, when things were difficult, he checked out. Pulled away. The only string that tethered him to his estranged sister was the redhead who insisted on believing in her. He didn't think Amelia could have succeeded in any capacity Addison has mentioned if not for Addison's constant presence in her life, through thick and thin, with or without the drugs.
Meredith looked uncomfortably between Derek and Addison, Addison seemingly oblivious to Derek's meaningful gaze, and Derek looking like he was trying to unravel a mystery in his head.
"How's Liz doing?" Mark asked, breaking the silence that seemed to have descended on the table.
"Doing great," Nancy replied. "She's opened a practice downtown, and it seems to be doing really well."
"Nathan still working for that pharma company?" Mark continued, referring to Liz's husband.
"Pfizer? Yes. Knowing the kind of guy he is, he'll probably retire from there, too."
"Remember when we used to wiggle him for free samples of Viagra?" Mark asked Derek, a grin on his face at the memory of many years ago, when Lizzie and Nathan were just starting to date.
"Why would you need Viagra?" Meredith asked, looking between Mark and Derek curiously.
Mark shrugged. "The whims of our youth."
"Addison wasn't very pleased," Nancy remarked, a twinkle in her eye as she looked at Addison.
"I just wasn't amused," she replied curtly. "Still not, actually."
Mark only chuckled, allowing the server behind him to take their plates and serve their entrees. There seemed to be a comfortable silence that descended on the table as they started on their mains, Nancy and Addison whispering to each other once a while, their heads bent close together. Meredith eyed the two warily, getting the distinct feeling it would be hard to win over any of the Shepherd sisters. Addison was obviously still very close to Nancy, and it seemed, to everyone else too. And that was unnerving. She wasn't used to big families, or families in general, and affairs of that nature seemed to her an enormous mountain to climb.
Beside her, Derek caught sight of the same thing—Nancy and Addison engaged in hushed conversation. He was unsure of the many times he'd seen the exact same scene play out with Addison and any of his sisters, and had been a long while since he had last witnessed such a sight. He wondered what they were speaking of, what Nancy was silently giggling about, just like the many times in the past he wondered how easily it was for their so-called girl code to blossom. Addison looked so relaxed in Nancy's presence, and Nancy was eager and welcoming—traits that weren't exactly typical of his oldest sister. Flashbacks of Addison spending time with Kathleen, Lizzie, and little Amelia came rushing at lightning speed, the familiarity of it all just this side of aching.
Addison glanced up briefly at Derek, noting his wondrous and equally sad expression. She smiled at him slightly, and he smiled back. Their eyes caught each other's from across the table so many times in the past, a full conversation between them happening with just one look, one nod, one frown. She was surprised (and then, not really), that she could still read him the way she used to—accurately, and with compassion. With a second's glance she knew exactly what he was thinking about, his eyes communicating what words could not in that moment.
Dinner ended in much the same fashion. Light, with a dash of awkwardness. It was never awkward with Addison, Derek thought as he and Meredith made their way to the car. But he shrugged off the uncharitable thought, feeling guilty at the comparison, and ignoring the voice in the back of his head telling him exactly why it was so.
Derek's trailer had been left nearly uninhabited since he semi moved-in to Meredith's frat house. It was reeking of disuse as he jiggled his key and pried the door open, his things exactly as he had left them weeks ago.
He set the six pack of beer on the counter and shrugged off his coat, heaving a sigh as he glanced around the disheveled state of the trailer. He wasn't a particularly neat person, but he also wasn't particularly messy. At that moment he just felt tired at the thought of having to tidy up the small space.
It had been a week since Nancy's visit. Meredith had made it abundantly clear she was relieved Nancy was gone. If he was being honest, so was he. Having his sister in Seattle meant he had to confront certain demons he could sweep under the rug otherwise. Nancy had a way of needling him, blunt and unpretentious, so all-knowing despite not having spent any significant amount of time with him in almost half a decade. Nancy's presence and decidedly unsubtle hints about his feelings for Addison was forcing him to really take a good look at his relationship with the redhead, and sort out the proverbial Pandora's box he thought they had already sorted months back.
She seems sweet, Nancy had said about Meredith. Conversationally. Casually disinterested but also brimming with meaning just beneath the surface. Has the 'oh look he's a neurosurgeon' kind of vibe, she had continued. He rubbed his face in annoyance then, and Nancy had looked at him innocently. You sure it's serious because she's a great girl, or because she thinks you're a god? she had asked none too impressed.
Derek popped open a can of beer and made his way to deck, sitting on the foldable camping chair he had lying around that seemed to have become the embodiment of the woodsman he currently was. He thought about Nancy, how she left with a knowing look and frank whisper in his ear about being true to himself, but also a stern warning not to hurt her. And by her, he was certain she didn't mean Meredith.
Addison had been… steady recently. She was thriving in her career, had her two departments running smoothly, was making friends with people, and from the outside looked absolutely fine. Like she didn't just go through a wringer of a divorce. She was resilient like that. Proud. A Montgomery through and through. She was smiling more, laughing more, and seemed to really rally behind his relationship with Meredith. It was odd and disconcerting—to him it seemed like she had moved on from him so profoundly that she could be supportive of his new relationship. He wasn't sure he felt the same way.
While Addison made subtle hints about what kind of flowers to send Meredith, or urged him to grab the blonde a cup of coffee at a random time during the day, he seemed to be overthinking why she was being so… friendly. They were exactly that—friends. At least in her eyes. In his eyes, he was starting to realize, there was definitely more.
Was it possible that 8 years, a broken engagement, a divorce and many one night stands later—Derek Shepherd might still be hopelessly in love with Addison Montgomery? Derek didn't believe in second chances or fate or destiny, but somehow it seemed like the pieces of the puzzle were falling into place, and that the bigger picture always included Addison. That his heart always was Addison's. Everyone else was just a place holder because she was still the love of his life.
"I'm surprised you finally acquiesced to my request for a date," Timothy said as he pulled out Addison's chair for her at a fancy restaurant in downtown Seattle. He was persistent, his eyes set on the beautiful redhead from the very beginning and unwilling to back down despite the many times she had turned him down. It seemed his persistence was rewarded, for one day after a particularly long surgery, he had asked and she had agreed.
Addison smiled as she slipped into the chair he offered. "It was the least I could after you were such a trooper in my last surgery," she replied.
Truth be told, she didn't know exactly why she had said yes. She had made a fairly recent personal rule not to date people she worked with, and she still wasn't entirely over her ex-husband. But something about the way Dr. Tyndall's eyes twinkled under the harsh surgical lights made her say yes, perhaps a decision combined with exhaustion and the incessant voice in her head telling her she needed to start moving forward. She decided one date wouldn't hurt. It could nowhere, and it could go somewhere. Nothing had to be decided urgently.
Timothy sat opposite Addison, allowing the waiter to take their orders. Addison was dazzling in a simple black dress, her red hair down and longer than she normally wore it. She hadn't had the chance to find a regular hairdresser this side of the country, but Timothy thought it framed her face beautifully.
There was no doubt Timothy was enthralled by Addison. She was charming, sophisticated, immensely smart and skilled, and she was humorous but poised and so darn kind. From the get go, from the day he met her in Richard's office, he was enchanted. He knew she had just gone through a divorce, knew she was still healing and licking a big wound. But her strength shone through in all the conversations they'd had in the OR and in the PACU, and he supposed that was what he admired in her the most. A quiet, gentle resilience that could only be brought by a determined heart. It took a while for Addison to finally accept an invitation, and when she did, he was ecstatic. He pulled out all the stops for her, wanting nothing more than to impress her. By the way she had surveyed the restaurant, the way he opened the door for her, pulled her chair out (ever the English gentleman), he could tell she was pleased.
"You look beautiful tonight," Timothy said honestly.
Addison wasn't one to blush, but she probably would have if she was a fretting teenager. His eyes bore into hers so intensely, it was hard not to wilt a little. "Thank you," she managed, clearing her throat and offering him a smile. "You don't look half bad yourself. You clean up pretty well."
"Thank you," he replied with a kind smile. "So, Addison," he started, "tell me about yourself."
Addison raised a brow. "Really? That's your best ice breaker?"
Timothy chuckled in amusement. "I thought it might be the safest place to begin."
"This isn't a job interview."
"I suppose it isn't," he replied. With a smile, he continued, "But I would like to get to know you more."
"Mmmm," Addison hummed, taking a short sip of her water.
"I know you're a skilled surgeon," Timothy said. "You're fierce and focused and you have immaculate command of the operating room when you perform surgery. I know you're one of eight people in the entire world who can do what you do. But to be honest, those are things I can check on LinkedIn."
Addison smiled. "Yes," she agreed. "That's true."
Timothy knew Addison was guarded. She was light to speak with, but she never divulged anything too personal. Much of Addison's personality outside of the OR was a mystery to him, and he longed to unravel the layers of Addison Montgomery.
"How about I start?" Timothy said, earning himself an approving nod from Addison. "I'm the 2nd of 3 children. My favorite band is U2. My favorite book is The Diary of Anne Frank, and I cannot dance for the life of but I can belt it out at karaoke."
"The Diary of Anne Frank? Really?" Addison asked, a little surprise evident in her tone. "That's interesting."
He nodded. "Have you read it?"
"I have," Addison answered thoughtfully. "I just didn't peg you for the type. You look more of a… Things Fall Apart kind of man."
Timothy considered it for a moment before he smiled. "Can I take a guess at your favorite book?"
"By all means," Addison replied with a smile.
Timothy took a good look at the redhead, tilting his head to the side. "You look like you might be a fan of Fitzgerald," he judged.
"F. Scott?" she clarified with a raised brow.
Timothy nodded. "The Great Gatsby, perhaps?"
"I did enjoy The Great Gatsby," Addison agreed slowly. "But I wouldn't say it's my favorite book."
"Please don't tell me your favorite book is Williams Obstetrics."
Addison laughed, shaking her head. "No, but I'll admit it's my most well-read textbook."
"Of course," Timothy laughed. "I would have expected nothing less."
"Pride and Prejudice," she answered finally. "I may be a force, but I am still a girl. I like classics, but I also enjoy trashy novels."
"Pride and Prejudice," he repeated. "How apt."
"You think so?"
"Elizabeth Bennet. Defiant, proud, confident, intelligent. She might as well be Addison Montgomery."
"You certainly know how to flatter, Dr. Tyndall," Addison remarked. It wasn't the first time she'd been compared to Elizabeth Bennet. Matthew had done so, so many times in the past. But it was the first time she was compared with so much sincerity and certainty. Matthew used to do it as a joke. Timothy seemed to mean it as a compliment.
"I live to please, my lady," he responded, flashing her a cheery smile and tipping his wine glass towards her.
Dinner went smoothly thereafter. They talked about life in England, Timothy's childhood, his experiences as a doctor. Addison spoke about her medical training, the visits to England as a young adult, and bits and pieces of her childhood. She avoided speaking about Matthew, although by now it was common knowledge anyway. And she avoided speaking about Derek. Until Timothy asked.
"Dr. Sloan mentioned you were friends with him and Dr. Shepherd back in New York," Timothy stated casually as they sat in the middle of dessert.
Addison wiped the corner of her mouth with a napkin as she looked at him. "Yes, we all knew each other from medical school," she answered.
"Has Dr. Shepherd always been…" he trailed off, trying to find the right word to describe Derek Shepherd in a way that wouldn't offend. Derek hadn't exactly been the warmest to him. He didn't pay particular attention to gossip in Seattle Grace, but he could sense part of the reason Derek wasn't too keen on being friendly with him had something to do with Addison.
Addison raised a brow. "Has been?" she prompted.
Timothy frowned. "Slow to warm, perhaps?" he offered unsurely.
Addison nearly chuckled. There many ways one could describe Derek Shepherd and his less than pleasant moods—crabby, childish, proud, annoying, haughty, immature. She was aware Derek had a bit of a temper—mood swings she used to deal with when they were together, a darker side people rarely got to see because he only showed it to her and Mark, remnants of watching his father being shot in front of his very eyes and thereafter needing to abandon all his childhood whims and become man of the house. When they were dating, Addison always felt like she grounded him, such that that side of him very rarely showed. But in Seattle, he was different. There were more moments when the darker side came forward, and it often appeared as him being the less than the dreamy neurosurgeon people thought he was.
"That's one way to put it," Addison answered mildly.
"I'm not sure how else to describe it," he replied honestly. "He doesn't seem too fond of me."
She wasn't sure why Derek wouldn't be friendly with Timothy. Everyone loved Timothy—even Mark had had a few drinks with the guy in the past months.
"Does that bother you?" she questioned.
Timothy shrugged. "Not necessarily. But he's a bit of an enigma. I can't quite place him."
"He could be like that," Addison conceded. "But don't worry about it. He's a good person. He'll come around."
"You seem to be sure," Timothy commented off-handedly.
"I guess you could say I know him pretty well," Addison said carefully, not finding the need to elaborate any further. "I can talk to him if you want," she offered.
He shook his head. "There's no need. We're not everyone's cup of tea, and I can accept that," he said kindly, giving Addison a reassuring smile.
She smiled back, won over by the sincerity in Timothy's voice. He truly was the friendliest doctor in Seattle Grace—always kind and gracious to doctors and nurses and hospital staff. Addison sensed he had a good heart, and it softened her immensely.
Dinner had concluded in much the same manner—light jokes, getting to know each other, laughs, and a palpable sense of ease between them. At the end of the evening, when Timothy had dropped her off at her apartment, she found that she thoroughly enjoyed herself. It was the first time in a long while since she felt lighthearted about someone. And while it was too early to tell, she felt drawn to Timothy Tyndall and thought it wouldn't be so bad to keep getting to know the man.
The same was true for Timothy. As he set his car keys next to the door of his apartment, he smiled. Addison Montgomery was everything he imagined she would be, and so much more. She was thought-provoking, made conversation that was both light and meaningful, and exuded an air of wisdom well beyond what he imagined she'd have. Addison had told him that she enjoyed their night, and he hoped it meant they could keep spending time with each other.
After their first date, Addison and Timothy regularly spent time together. They would have lunch together when time permitted, or Timothy would slide to assist Addison in her ORs as attending anesthesiologist. Addison found that Timothy's friendship was the breath of fresh air she desperately needed in Seattle, and she looked forward to even the short minutes they spent together in between surgeries.
A week after their date, Addison and Timothy were in the PACU, going over the post-op notes of Addison's most recent surgery. Unbeknownst to them, Meredith and Derek had just entered, accompanying Derek's post-op patient.
"So, tomorrow, you have an early surgery," Derek heard Timothy say to Addison. Derek saw Addison nod in response.
"7am, hysterectomy," she replied distractedly, eyes on the chart before her.
"Fancy a muffin before surgery?" he asked, smiling at her.
Addison looked up from her notes and smiled back.
"Banana walnut, and a cup of coffee," Timothy continued. "But maybe not from the cafeteria this time."
Addison chuckled. "I love banana walnut muffins."
"Addison," Derek heard Timothy say, wondering when they had started calling each other by their first names. "Everyone in this entire hospital knows you love banana walnut muffins."
"I suppose it isn't a secret," she sighed. "They're no English muffins, for sure, but they're good."
"Mmm," Timothy agreed, eyes falling back to his chart. "English muffins, and perhaps some clotted cream."
"And of course, with a cup of Earl Grey," Addison teased. She had learned Timothy preferred it over English Breakfast.
"You know me well, my lady," Timothy winked.
Derek watched the exchange between Addison and Timothy, his brow knitted in confusion. It seemed like they were getting along very well, and getting to know each other more. When did that happen? He felt an unexpected surge of jealousy as he noticed Timothy standing a little closer to her than what Derek considered appropriate. He had to remind himself to breathe. Why was he so affected by the sight of Addison being friendly with that anesthesiologist?
Beside him, Meredith was talking. He wasn't sure what she was saying—he surmised it was probably about their dinner plans. But he didn't hear a word she was saying. He was completely focused on Addison and Timothy Tyndall flirting subtly in the PACU. It wasn't all that obvious—on the outside they still looked professional. But there was something in the way Addison leaned just a little towards him, the way her shoulders seemed more relaxed, and the way her laughter sounded lighter than it did in months. He knew her so well that he noticed all those small details, and that made his chest ache unexpectedly.
"Derek?" Meredith said beside him, her voice confused as she had been trying to get his attention.
Derek shook his head. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Dinner," Meredith repeated. "I was asking if you wanted to eat out tonight. Are you okay?"
"I—" Before he could finish, he heard Addison laugh again over something Timothy had whispered in her ear, their backs towards Derek so it was obvious she didn't know Derek was in the room. He shook his head again, unable to process what was happening and how he was feeling and why he was feeling them. "I'm sorry, would you excuse me please," he replied abruptly, turning to leave the PACU and unable to tolerate seeing Addison with Timothy.
Meredith knit her brow in confusion as she watched Derek leave, the PACU door swinging in his wake. When she turned to see what he had been staring at, she sighed. She should have guessed. It was Addison. With a shake of her head, she deposited the patient's chart to the holder at the foot of the bed and sighed. It looked like dinner wasn't going to happen tonight.
All the while, Addison was unaware that Derek was even in the same room, and that he felt incredibly jealous over her friendship with Timothy Tyndall.
Derek seethed as he paced the floor of his office, running a hand through his unruly hair. There was something—something that snapped in him when he saw Addison and Timothy today. It wasn't like that time she had been asked out by another doctor right in front of his eyes. It wasn't like the many times he caught a male nurse or doctor or two's eyes trailing her as she sashayed in or out of a room.
There was something different about Timothy Tyndall that made his head ache. It was the way Addison had laughed. The way she had teased. The way she stood an inch or two closer than she would usually stand next to a colleague. It was at that point that Derek realized two important things.
First was that Addison and Timothy had probably gone out on a date. How he knew that, he wasn't certain. But something about having dated Addison Montgomery for 10 years of his life made him acutely aware of signs she had been in a good mood. And there was truly no other reason for her to be in such a good mood but the fact that she had gone out on an immensely successful date.
The second thing that he realized was that he absolutely, positively, 100% jealous. Did he have a right to be? Absolutely, positively, 100%... none. He had zero rights to be jealous—not after everything. He was dating Meredith. He and Addison had been getting along as friends. But here he was now, confronted by the very distinct reality that he was green with envy, and he had absolutely no right to be.
He genuinely wished Addison happiness. Genuinely. But maybe there was a childish part of him that wanted her to be happy… with him. Which was insane, because hadn't they already rehashed the past, made peace with it? Or as much peace as could be made from a broken engagement? Apparently not. He had a lot of feelings. Strong feelings. And at this point he wasn't sure he had the right mindset to ask why. Or maybe, he knew the answer to the question why, but just wasn't ready to confront it.
The following day, Derek found himself operating on a patient with an intracranial bleed. He had to clip the bleeding aneurysm, and unfortunately for him, the anesthesiologist assigned to him was none other than Dr. Tyndall. He was still immensely pissed over what he had witnessed the day before, and he camped out in the trailer instead of going home to Meredith's house because he was certain he wouldn't be good company. He still wasn't willing to admit why he was pissed off—or at least he was willing to admit it to himself, but not to anyone else. Seeing Addison getting close with a colleague who made it no secret that he was interested in her made Derek mad. It was irrational, he knew. Addison was allowed to date, to be friends with who she wanted, to move on. He was with Meredith, and for all intents and purposes he had also moved on.
But it was slowly becoming very clear to him that maybe, just maybe, he really wasn't over Addison Montgomery, and that he was still hopelessly in love with her. He was almost ready to finally admit that he never actually got over her, and that his behavior was borne of an immense, deeply rooted desire to be with her.
So when he scrubbed in and realized Dr. Tyndall would be his anesthesiologist, he wasn't pleased. He scrubbed and was ready to go, but Tyndall was still putting the patient to sleep. That was strike number one.
"What, you can't give anesthesia faster?" Derek had remarked. "Do you want to kill my patient before we even start?"
Timothy had the decency not to engage Derek, and instead focused on putting the patient to sleep so Derek could start clipping the aneurysm. Derek was in a sour mood from the very beginning. And as he worked to save his patient, he was also acutely aware of the interns eyeing Dr. Tyndall, and the nurses whispering about how blue his eyes looked with the navy blue scrub cap he had on. Derek had to roll eyes and suppress the urge to mutter something uncharitable.
"Dr. Shepherd, BP is 100/80," Timothy warned from behind him, his eyes focused on the anesthesia monitor.
Derek cursed. "Well then do something damn it."
"Dr. Shepherd."
"Give him a bolus of D5," Derek said through gritted teeth.
"His urine output is—"
"I don't care what his urine output is, Tyndall. Get my patient's blood pressure up. That's your job."
"Well, you'll have to do your job faster, Dr. Shepherd, because your patient is about to crash," Timothy remarked sternly, but he stood up to try to troubleshoot the matter anyway.
Derek huffed, forcing himself to focus on the task at hand instead of worrying about what Tyndall was saying. He needed to stop getting so affected by Tyndall's presence and just clip the goddamn aneurysm so it could be over and done with.
After the longest 10 minutes of his life, Derek finally clipped the aneurysm, and he turned to note that the patient's BP was stable.
"Well, it looks like you could actually do your job," Derek said to Timothy sarcastically. "Thanks for getting his blood pressure stable."
Timothy sighed. "I don't know what in heaven's name your problem is with me, Dr. Shepherd. But I don't deserve to be treated this way. You have been nothing but disrespectful to me, and for the life of me I can't understand why."
Derek didn't respond, only continued to focus on closing up the patient. The nurses' eyes darted between Derek's passive aggressive stance and Timothy's frustrated expression. The rest of the surgery went on in complete and utter silence, Derek radiating a strong, negative energy that even the scrub nurse was trembling as she handed him the instruments.
When the surgery ended and Derek pulled off his gloves, he gave one last withering look towards Timothy and then scrubbed out, not even feeling remotely sorry. Addison would be absolutely pissed at him if she found out.
Today was August 22. If he and Addison had gotten married, they would have been celebrating their 9th anniversary today. If he weren't the fool who let his pride and ambition come before the love of his life. Every year since their supposed wedding, August 22nd was the hardest day of the year for him. Mark would try to coax him out of his funk, but more often than not he would be lost in a drunken stupor on the day. It truly only served to show just how affected he still was by the break up, and how, in the deepest recesses of his mind and the darkest corners of his heart, he was still hopelessly in love with Addison.
More than any other day in the entire year, August 22nd was when he would let the remorse course through him in constant waves, unrelenting, furious, reminding him of what his dreams had cost him. What he had sacrificed to be a neurosurgeon. It was the only time he would ever outwardly and inwardly admit regret over his own selfishness. And when news that Addison had married another man, August 22nd seemed like a monster that reminded him of what he had lost. Usually, he would bury himself in surgeries—work himself to death so that he would be too numb to feel anything at the end of the day. But it more often than not only made him even more emotional at day's end, unable to keep off the bottle of alcohol, wallowing in misery he would never wish on anyone.
Today wasn't much different. Today he decided to stay at the trailer, knowing full well he could not be a doctor or a friend or a boyfriend today. No. Today—he was just Derek. The man who lost the love of his life to ambition he could very well have pursued with her by his side.
At the trailer, he nursed a bottle of beer. He decided on nothing too hard this time, hoping this would be the first 22nd of August where he could actually mull over things and come to sober, rational conclusions. Why did this day still feel immensely difficult for him? After 9 years, surely time should have dulled the ache. But he felt as open and raw today as he did in August 22, 1998.
He often wondered how Addison fared on the same day. He imagined it would pass just as any other day. Addison was a strong, confident woman who picked up the pieces as quickly as they fell. It probably didn't matter to her what today would have been, or how drastically different their lives would have been.
What he didn't know was that August 22nd affected Addison, too. Today, she was at home, a glass of wine in one hand and an expression of incredible sadness on her face. Over the years, and with Matthew's help, August 22 became less and less of a heartache. She still felt the tendrils of grief course through her, but they were dulled with Matthew by her side. But now, with the divorce hanging heavy over her head and the way she and Derek unexpectedly reunited in Seattle after so long, today was especially difficult. She rarely allowed herself to think of the what-ifs—she just wasn't that kind of person. But red wine in hand and heart hurting over the recent swerve her life had taken, she wondered. What if he had stayed? What if she had gone after him? What if Boston never happened and they stayed together? Would they have been happy? Would he have been happy?
She sighed then. There was truly no use wondering how things would have played out. She didn't once regret marrying Matthew, even if they did end up divorced. This uncharacteristic vulnerability, she supposed, was just a combination of stress and loss. Derek probably didn't let this day affect him so much, didn't pause to wonder what if she had been Addison Shepherd instead of Addison Montgomery for the past 9 years instead.
AUGUST 22, 1998
She doesn't know what possessed her to do this. Maybe it was the copious amounts of alcohol she consumed the day before. Maybe it was her deep-seated masochism. Or maybe it was just the struggle of a broken heart that needed some sort of absolution that made her do it. Whatever it was, she was here. In Boston. In the mid morning of August 22nd, or what would have been hers and Derek's wedding day.
She knew she wasn't thinking straight when she hopped into the car and drove nearly four hours up to Massachusetts—when she called in sick and numbly put on jeans and a shirt in search of answers to questions still burning in the back of her mind since the day Derek left.
It had been almost two months since he did. In his wake, a series of phone calls informing everyone of their cancelled wedding. The florists, the caterer, the dress maker, the church, the reception venue—it had been hard making those calls, repeating the message, and hearing a mixture of disappointment and pity from whoever was on the other end of the line. Bizzy had of course offered have Susan do the dirty work, but Addison knew Bizzy was glad she wasn't marrying lowly Derek Shepherd and was only too happy to cancel everything. Addison couldn't give Bizzy that pleasure, and she was too proud to let anyone else do the dirty work for her. Savvy had kindly offered, even Naomi. But the work was hers alone, and it needed to be done. Derek never bothered to pick up any one of his family's phone calls, so the job of relaying to them what had transpired between them fell on her shoulders too. It was bad enough that she had to face the Forbes Montgomeries and tell them the love of her life was choosing his career over her. But to tell Derek's family? That broke her even more.
The broken pieces of herself only grew in number—with every corner of New York saturated with memories of Derek, with every friend and acquaintance knowing what had happened, with every longing phone call she made to Derek, and every phone call she dared not make to him either. They tried to keep in contact. She had called and emailed a few times, as much as her heart could take. But the effort was one sided, and Derek seemed to be drifting away from her as he responded less and less. On the outside, she appeared immaculate, polished, so well-adjusted. But on the inside, she was an extravagant mess. There were so many times she wished she could take the past back, drive down to Boston, beg for him to come home. But she had her pride. And she had her dignity. And she had hope that maybe one day, she and Derek would find themselves together again.
So without much thought, she drove her way down to Boston, parked her Corvette at the hospital parking lot, and walked into Brigham and Women's Hospital. As soon as she walked in, she felt uncertain. What was she doing? Why was she even here? It occurred to her that she didn't have much of a plan. What would she say to him? Would he even be interested in seeing her at this point? She wasn't sure. Nervously, she sat at the waiting area in the lobby, the plush red chairs digging into her skin, still mulling over what she had gotten herself into. All she knew was that she was lonely, and desperate, and needed to see Derek, today of all days.
She figured he'd ask him how he was. She imagined he wouldn't be in best shape, but he would be managing. Because he was Derek, and she knew him to be resilient even it felt like he was walking through tar. He would be surprised to see her there, and she would ask if he had time for coffee. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. But in her imagination, he would have 30 minutes before his next surgery and they could catch up briefly. What would she say to him in 30 minutes? How does one even begin summing up the last two months of hell, cram them into 30 minutes, and then ask him if she still had his heart? At this point, she imagined she'd be desperate enough to want to try the long-distance thing with him. Maybe he would agree. Maybe he'd give them another shot. Or maybe she'd ask him to come home, back to New York, back to her arms.
But then she saw him, his white coat billowing behind him, a cup of coffee in hand, a younger doctor next to him and obviously briefing him about a patient. His hair was a little longer now, his eyes fixed on the chart the other doctor was holding, probably looking at CAT scan films. They paused just outside the elevators, Derek in plain view.
In that moment, Addison felt the air leave her lungs. She wasn't prepared for what seeing him in person would make her feel. But here she was, chest heavy and heart squeezing so painfully. He didn't see her, not yet at least. He was so engrossed in the patient's chart, and she was partly hidden by the post in the lobby. She wanted to run to him, but her feet felt glued to the ground. She wanted to embrace him so badly, to feel his arms around her, but her heart beating rapidly in her chest reminded her of how difficult that would be.
She saw him furrow his brow in concentration, the crinkle on his forehead something she used to kiss away when he managed to work himself up on a case. She saw the look of concentration as he nodded, listening to what the other doctor was saying. And then he was talking—she couldn't hear him. But she surmised he was talking about the case, the procedure, how to manage the patient best. And despite all of the heaviness, how she couldn't breathe at the sight him, how the air suddenly felt stale and her stomach filled with lead, she found she was also filled with unbelievable pride. Addison always loved watching him work, knew his capacity as a surgeon, and reveled in his triumphs proudly as his partner. Derek looked so at ease with his work today, so knowledgeable, so dedicated, blossoming in a way she knew he wouldn't have if he had stayed in New York.
All the rehearsed lines about how much she loved him and how she hoped he'd come home to her in New York drained out of her in seconds. She realized in a split second that she couldn't ask that of him. She couldn't ask him to up and leave his dream, make him settle for second best when clearly he was blooming right where he was. She didn't have the courage to face him either, knowing that if she did, her resolve to let him be might crumble under the weight of her own desperation.
So she watched him until he was out of sight, and then she released a breath she didn't know she was holding. She couldn't ask him to leave, to be less than he was. And she couldn't be selfish in the face of Derek embracing the world as he always hoped to.
She didn't know how much longer she stayed in the lobby, but by the time she left, there were more questions than answers, and an even deeper sense of loss. She knew she had made the right decision, letting him go. But the right decision wasn't always the easiest. Seeing him today cemented to her the validity of separating, knowing full well Derek was exactly where he was supposed to be. Even if it was difficult.
She drove back to New York, told no one about her unceremonious journey to Boston. No one had to know. No had to know how she drove all the way to Brigham, how she almost begged Derek to come home, or how she almost convinced herself to move to Boston, how the pain her chest wouldn't ease for the years to come. No had to know how excruciating it all was, least of all Derek Shepherd.
AN: There you go! I briefly considered cutting this chapter into two- like August Part 1/2. I thought there was so much going on in a single month. But in the end I decided against it. So there are more small moments here than any other chapter I think. Please let me know what you think. Thank you very much for reading!