AN: In honor KATE WALSH COMING BACK AS ADDISON MONTGOMERY (!), I present to you November!
"So this is Casa Sloan," Addison said approvingly, letting her eyes scan Mark's apartment as she set her purse on the table. It was very classy—not that she expected anything less from Mark Sloan. She and Mark were cut from the same cloth, so to speak. Their love for finer things in life was indubitably shared.
"Would you like a tour?" he offered. "We can start with the bedroom."
She rolled her eyes. "How often have you used that line?"
"Too many times. And it always works like a damn charm," he replied with a grin. "Except for you. I don't think any amount of buttering up will get you in my bed."
"Well, you're right about that," she said with a pointed finger. "I'm not even vaguely interested."
"Oh, come on," he teased. "Just once."
"I'd actually like for my medical record to remain STD-free, thank you."
"I don't have an STD. I'm clean."
"Of course," she replied in a way that was clear she didn't believe him. "Now, how about some wine?" she suggested.
"Coming right up," he smiled, pulling a bottle of cold Chardonnay from the fridge and pouring them each a glass. Addison settled on the couch, Mark sitting right next to her and setting the bottle on the coffee table.
"I think Savvy would approve of this selection," Addison complimented after taking a sip.
"Glad to hear it," he replied. "Although, I don't live to please Savannah Rossum anymore. After she pulled a freakshow on us when we got her the wrong wine, I was done."
Addison laughed. "Savvy is never usually a bitch. Only when it comes to her wine."
"Well, I learned that the hard way," he pointed. "But," he said, ignoring Addison's raised brow, "let's skip the small talk, shall we?"
"Small talk?"
"You don't think I invited you here just for the wine, do you?"
"I thought it was just two friends hanging out after a long day, except, you know, not at Joe's," she explained in confusion. It was exactly what Mark had told her when they were at the nurses' station earlier that day.
He cocked his head to the side. "True," he admitted. "But there was an ulterior motive. One—" he said as Addison was about to interrupt "that does not include a bed."
Addison scowled.
"Although, if a bed was involved, I can't say I'd be mad," he said as an afterthought.
"Mark."
"Just saying," he grinned, winking at her and then taking a sip of wine. "Now, where were we?"
"We were nowhere," she replied blankly.
"Ah yes. Today's agenda is… Derek Shepherd."
Addison groaned. "I knew this was going to be about Derek."
Mark looked offended. "What!"
"Mark, I love you and all that, really I do. But what happens between Derek and I is really none of your business."
"Well, I'm making it my business," he replied with resolution.
"Why?" Addison asked indignantly.
"Because. You two are my best friends. I saw it all happen before my very eyes. I'm like… the number one fan of Addison and Derek."
"There is no Addison and Derek," she insisted glumly.
"Not yet. Or not that you know of."
"Stop talking in riddles."
"Stop being so dense," he countered with a look that was so knowing, Addison wanted to slap him in the face.
"I think it's sweet, what you're trying to do. Sweet… if not entirely misplaced," she explained sullenly.
Mark sighed. "Addie, I know you think it isn't any of my business. Man, even Derek thinks it isn't. But I've been patient. Really I have. I've spent the better part of this year watching the two of you go around in circles and going nowhere. I swore to Derek I wouldn't interfere, but man—you two are the absolute worst."
"So you're playing matchmaker."
"Not… matchmaker. Although that could be a nice role play in bed. You know, Cupid and—"
"Mark."
"Right, sorry," he replied, laughing lightly. "Not a matchmaker. More of… a devil's advocate. Or like, the ghost of Christmas past."
Addison made a face before downing the rest of her wine and then pouring herself another. Mark watched in amusement as she downed the second glass in 5 seconds flat and then poured another one. And then she gestured to him. "Alright, let's hear it."
"What?"
"Let's hear what you have to say. But for the record, I'm only doing this because I've had two glasses of wine as a head start. Better make it quick."
Mark shook his head. "I was hoping you'd be sober for this conversation."
"I still am. But I need to be just a little bit buzzed in order to get through it."
"Fine," he relented, settling himself on the couch.
"Fine," she echoed, mimicking his position and then putting her feet up to rest on the coffee table. "Let's hear it," she said again. Mark was very rarely serious. In most of her interactions with him in Seattle, he had been a light, teasing presence. He often sat and listened to hear her babble about things, even allowed her to let out some steam after that fight with Derek in the stairwell. But he was always so light. Today, he was different. He was dead serious—which made her believe this matter was severe enough to merit her full attention.
"He was a mess after you guys broke up."
"He told me as much, yes."
"No, I mean… a real mess. Like—caveman mess, lots of beer bottles, almost zero sleep, hated the world kind of thing. He was absolutely devastated when he moved to Boston."
A part of Addison wanted to retort that he should have stayed in New York if that was the case, but she kept her mouth shut. She had already unwittingly revealed that sentiment to Derek in the stairwell, much to her chagrin.
"He missed you a lot."
"He also really hated me," she pointed. "And don't deny it because he said so himself."
"I guess he resented you for a while," he conceded. "But that was also because he wasn't over you." He shifted on the couch so he was facing her. "Addie, I'm not here to guilt you into anything. I'm not here to paint Derek as a saint because Lord knows he isn't. He made mistakes, and he's paid a lot for them. But I'm here to tell you despite all that history, he still loves you. There's something about Addison Montgomery that keeps him tethered to the past. And I'm hoping, you know… you either set him free or pull him close."
"I'm too sober for this," she remarked, taking another large sip of wine.
"Addison, you can deny it all you want, but there's a reason you and Derek are here in Seattle at the exact time. Some would call it destiny."
Addison threw a fairly disgusted look at Mark. "Destiny? Really?"
He shrugged. "Or just pure coincidence. Whatever it is, you guys are here. And it's becoming very clear to everyone that there's a lot of unfinished business between the two of you."
"Mark…"
"He still loves you, Addison," he said, sounding serious and sincere all at the same time.
She avoided his gaze, kept her eyes firmly on the coffee table in front of her.
"Look, he had a really rough time. No one he dated ever measured up. In the back of his mind, it was always you."
"Then why didn't he come back?"
Mark looked at her sadly. "Addie… you should have seen him when he found out about Matthew." When Addison didn't meet his gaze, he continued. "I found out through Savvy, who I ran into at Duane Reade one time. She said she was helping Bizzy with your wedding preps. I went down to Boston that weekend and told him. He was devastated."
"Yeah?" she asked quietly, her lips pressed into a thin line.
"Never saw him drink himself to a miserable stupor before that. It was worse than August 22nd."
Addison bit her lip and then nodded.
"He regretted a lot of it. He regretted applying behind your back, and I think he knew from the instant he drove to Boston for his interview that he was doing something… cunning. He's always known the hand he played in the failure of your relationship, and he had so much remorse over it. He talked about you a lot, even if he tried not to. He surreptitiously would ask about how you were because he was always afraid to pick up the damn phone and call you yourself. And god, I've got it down to the tee—that on August 22 of each year I'd have to take a day off and take care of his drunken ass."
She nodded wordlessly.
"And when he found out about Matthew, I swear I thought he was going to faint. He was so pale. I felt so bad for the guy." He reached out and patted Addison's knee. "He tried, really he did. He tried to be happy and to move on. And it got pretty serious with Meredith for a while. But… you know… I guess he always assumed you guys would end up together, and you completely blindsided him when you married Matthew."
"Like he blindsided me."
"True," Mark nodded. He paused, taking a good look at Addison. "It wasn't easy for you either, I know."
"No," she agreed quietly. "It was… really hard, actually. I had my life planned out, and Derek was in every picture, every slideshow, every snapshot of the future. And all of a sudden, he wasn't."
"That sucks."
She nodded in agreement. "I um… I had clinical depression," she admitted quietly, a fact she had not spoken of to many people. No one in Seattle knew about it. "I had to see a therapist for a while after we broke up. I had really bad anxiety. I stopped eating and I couldn't sleep. Had to take meds for it. It really only let up when Matthew came into the picture. He helped me see that there was more to life than just being hungover my ex."
"I didn't know that," he said sympathetically, his face earnest. He knew partly what that was like—there was a reason he saw a $400-an-hour shrink.
She shrugged. "It's not information I volunteer. I'm not proud of it. For a while I couldn't even admit to myself that I had a problem because I'd broken up with my boyfriend. But yeah… it wasn't easy. We all deal with grief differently, I suppose. Derek turns to the bottle, I just turn… inward."
"What about now?" he asked curiously.
She looked up to meet his questioning gaze. "Now?"
"I mean… Matthew? Derek? Heck, even Timothy?"
She laughed lightly. "I think I've come to a point where Matt is just a happy memory. I don't know how to explain it." She paused, and then, thoughtfully, "You know how when you lose a dog, it really hurts? Like, mind-blowingly painful?"
He furrowed his brow in confusion. "Not really, but go on."
Addison huffed. "When I was in middle school, Grandpa Forbes got me a golden retriever. Billy. He was my best friend. Billy got me through all my teenage angst, and stayed with me til I started college. But the thing about getting a dog is… everyone tells you it's fun but no one ever tells you how difficult it is when they go. Billy had cancer and I had to put him down the year I went off to Yale. And when he died, I was inconsolable. It felt like I had lost a part of myself," she said thoughtfully. "But you only ever have good memories with a dog, you know? So after the ache dulls, all you're left with is good memories. Great memories. And somehow that's enough. It hurt like hell to lose Billy, but I have the best memories of him. Matt is like that."
"You're saying Matt… is a dog," he asked in confusion.
She chuckled. "Yeah I guess it's kind of like that. I only ever had great memories with Matt. After things ended, it was horrible. But now that I have the benefit of hindsight and time… I'm at peace with it. So yeah, I guess in a way, losing Matt was like losing my dog. He'll have my heart forever, for sure. But there isn't any bitterness or loneliness, at least not anymore. Just a lot of good memories."
Mark was speechless before he shook his head and chuckled. "What a fine analogy, Dr. Montgomery."
"Don't mock. It's the truth. And it's the best way I can describe it."
He grinned. "Derek would love to hear that you compared Matthew to a dog."
"He'd love that," she agreed on a laugh.
"And Timothy? How serious is it? Are you going to be moving to England any time soon?"
Addison rolled her eyes. "We're just enjoying each other's company. It's nice to have friends out here who aren't you or Derek or Richard. And he's new to the area, too, so I'm pretty sure he appreciates the friendship too."
"So just friends?"
Addison shrugged. "Right now? I mean… we're not together."
Mark nodded in understanding. "And Derek?"
"What about him?"
"He loves you. You love him. What are you guys waiting for you?"
"It's not that simple. Even if I loved him… which I haven't conceded to, by the way… that's not exactly enough reason to be with someone."
Mark looked at her skeptically. "Seriously? I thought love was the only thing that mattered."
"Maybe before, when we were young and stupid and blissfully naïve. But over the years I've learned that just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be together." Lord knows she loved Matthew and Matthew loved her, but given their histories, they really shouldn't have been together at all.
"So what's stopping you then? What are you looking for?"
Not once did Addison question Derek's love for her. And not once did Derek question Addison's love for him. It truly wasn't an issue of love. If love were enough… oh if love were enough. But in the real world, it often isn't enough. There's a slew of other factors that come into play. Are your hopes and dreams aligned? Are your values the same? Do you trust each other? Are you ready to commit—for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health? There was a time she thought she and Derek were there 100%. But these days, she treaded cautiously. With her heart broken more times than she cared to admit, she found the need to protect herself. Fiercely. Because no one else would guard her heart but her.
"I don't know what I'm looking for," she answered honestly. "I love Derek… I think. I mean, I always will. And I know he feels the same way, so you say. But is that really enough?"
That was the question that hung in the air until Addison decided it was time for her to go home. She was plagued with so many questions—never about how much she loved Derek, but always about the rightness of loving him. It was truly time to confront what Derek meant to her and what she was willing to do to keep him in her life.
There was a Scrabble board between Addison and Timothy while they hung out at the PACU. Timothy was on PACU duty, and Addison had a few minutes to spare before her next surgery. He pulled out the board with a glint in his eyes, pulling a pen and paper to score as Addison acquiesced.
Timothy was spelling out a word while he spoke. "I'll be assisting Dr. Shepherd tomorrow, for a scheduled craniotomy," he said casually, not meeting Addison's eyes. C-L-E-A-N
"I hope he doesn't give you any trouble," she replied after a beat, arranging her letters neatly on the board. If she had an inkling to where this conversation was going, she didn't show it. C-L-O-I-S-T-E-R
He looked at the word she had just spelled out, and then up at her, severely impressed. "All 7 letters already? You're very good at this game," he said in amazement as he tallied her score.
Addison preened for only a second before she fished for her next 7 letters. "I used to play this with my nanny."
Timothy shook his head with a smile. "Dr. Shepherd hasn't given me any trouble since that day with Dr. Grey," he replied, picking up where they left off. R-I-V-E-R
Addison smirked at his word. Timothy was competitive, pulling out all the high-scoring letters. "I'm glad to hear that," she replied. V-I-C-T-O-R
Timothy made a face as he scored Addison's word, but laughed when Addison laughed. "Did you guys work it out?" he asked. T-A-R-T
She frowned, studying her letters while also thinking about Timothy's question. P-A-S-T. "Not really, no." They had their moments, she and Derek. There were in-betweens that were easy, but there were also in-betweens that were awkward, betraying a lack of resolution for most of their issues.
He hummed in response. P-E-A-C-E. "Well, do you plan on working things out with him?" he asked curiously.
"What do you mean?" she replied, looking up from her letters.
He shrugged. "I mean, not to burn bridges," he said, meeting Addison's gaze.
Addison paused to consider his words, and then turned her attention back to the game. "Derek is… complicated," she responded while spelling out her next word. L-A-S-T
"How so?"
"Just… there's a lot of history," she settled diplomatically.
Timothy raised a brow, blue eyes intent. "And by this, you mean?"
Addison sighed, acutely aware there was no going around things anymore. "I told you that he was my ex, right?"
"Yes, you did tell me that."
"My ex-fiance," she clarified after a beat.
He paused at this information, studying Addison carefully. "You were going to get married," he stated matter-of-factly.
"About eight years ago, yes. And then things got complicated. He moved to Boston, I stayed in New York. We broke up."
Timothy was quiet as he spelled out his next word. T-O-A-S-T
"Tim?" she prodded gently, unnerved by his unreadable expression.
He looked up and then gave her a half smile. "I suppose now I understand why there was always so much tension between the two of you," he replied thoughtfully. "And why he was always so unkind to me. It makes perfect sense now. It wasn't really me he had a problem with."
"No, I guess not," Addison replied apologetically.
"He's still in love with you," he stated plainly.
"What?"
He shrugged. "Now that you mention your whole history, I think it's plain as day what's happening."
She furrowed her brow in confusion but said nothing, a wordless prompt for him to expound.
"He's still in love with you, and he's unhappy about either your presence, or you dating around," he said, trying to dissect the situation. "The question is do you feel the same way?"
Addison frowned, Timothy's succinct observations barely registering in her head. "I don't—"
He held up his hand. "This is me, remember? We've always been very honest with each other. I can see you're going to start being defensive," he said knowingly, making Addison blush. "But whatever you say won't take away from this friendship that we have," he assured her. They weren't together, not officially by any means, even though they did enjoy each other's company. They weren't in too deep yet. And perhaps it was only right to know where they stood before any of the two of them got hurt.
She looked down at her letters, and then at Timothy, his blue eyes so understanding and open and encouraging. "I think I still love him," she answered quietly before she spelled out her next word.
S-O-R-R-Y
Timothy looked between Addison and the word she had spelled before his fingers made his next move. In retrospect, he should have been angry. But he truly enjoyed Addison's friendship that it hardly mattered how he felt.
O-K-A-Y
"It's okay, Addison," he assured her sincerely. "Make things right with him," he smiled, warm eyes looking up to meet her gaze.
Addison didn't know whether to laugh or cry at Timothy's generosity. He essentially gave her a free pass for being in love with someone else, something even Derek probably would have never given her. Instead of overthinking the relief that threatened to floor her, she returned the warm look, knowing without doubt that Timothy would still be her friend.
"But before you do that," he continued with a grin, as if unaffected by the recent turn of events, "let's finish this game. Because I'm a sore loser, and you're already winning by a mile."
HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT, 1997
"When we're married, we're going to ditch all the Montgomery events and just attend the Shepherd ones okay?" Addison said as she fixed her dress and the string of pearls around her neck.
They were in Hartford for one of Bizzy's galas, and she had said in no uncertain terms that attendance was mandatory.
"Oh, I don't know," Derek teased, tucking his button down into his tuxedo pants. "That sounds a little drastic."
"Honey," Addison warned, tucking a stray strand of hair into the chignon she had painstakingly perfected.
"Don't be so sour," he smiled warmly, buttoning his pants and kissing her lightly on the cheek. "If anything, we get free booze, and I get to dance around the dancefloor with the most beautiful girl in the room."
"You'll also be wining and dining with some of Hartford's most pretentious country club ladies," she pointed. "And I happen to know they all think you're ravishingly handsome."
"Well, do you disagree?" he challenged with a smirk.
She rolled her eyes. "Of course not," she replied as she kissed him on the lips and moved to the full-length mirror to assess herself. She was wearing a simple sleeveless black silk dress with a square neckline, and it flowed beautifully around her curves. Bizzy would approve—classy, understated, and a Forbes Montgomery to the tee.
She turned around in time to see her fiancé making a face at the bowtie. "What?"
"Why can't you just get me the one that's already pre-tied and I just slip the garter under my collar?"
She smiled at him and walked over. "Because, honey, such a thing is for children," she said, taking the bow tie from his hands while he stood straight. "Besides, Archer would never let you live it down if he found out you were wearing a fake bowtie."
He shook his head slightly while Addison deftly tied the offending garment where it belonged, her fingers light, her engagement ring brushing the skin of his neck lightly. It sent a thrill up his spine. He still couldn't believe she had said yes.
"And if you detest wearing a bowtie so much, then like I said, we're going to skip all these events after we get married and just stay home."
"Why?" he asked as she moved to the bureau.
"Because by then I won't be a Montgomery," she said plainly, pulling her lipstick out of her make up kit. "I'll be a Shepherd."
"Damn right you'll be a Shepherd," he said, pulling her by the waste and kissing her neck.
"Derek! You'll wrinkle my dress!" she laughed. "Bizzy won't be happy."
"Mmmm," he hummed, nibbling the skin just below her ear. "How about you take dress off for a bit and—"
"No," she said as she pulled away.
"Addie," he frowned, missing her warmth.
"I worked really hard on my hair and I'd rather not spend another 30 minutes trying to get it in place," she said resolutely. "Come on, the sooner we go down, the sooner we can finish and come up, and maybe. Maybe you might get what you want," she winked.
Derek pouted. "You're a tease Addison Montgomery."
"Not any more than you are," she replied, taking the tuxedo coat from the hanger and gesturing for Derek to turn around and face the mirror so she could help him. "Also… it's Addison Shepherd," she whispered into his ear just as she had slipped the coat over his shoulders and met his gaze in the mirror.
Derek growled. "You're not playing fair."
She laughed, a hearty one, like ringing bells to his ears. "Come on, honey. Go put your perfume on while I finish accessorizing."
He dutifully pulled out the Tom Ford EDP Addison had gifted him for their anniversary and put it on, watching as Addison made a careful selection of jewelry to match her engagement ring. His heart warmed instantly at the sight.
The ring wasn't much. It wasn't even an entire carat, and it was so simple, so modest. Bizzy had said something condescending when Addison showed her her finger, and Archer pretended to squint to check if there was anything to be seen at all. Even his own sisters had commented on how he could have done better. But Addison loved it, wore it like a badge, with pride, and it was all that mattered to him. Since he had slipped that ring on her finger, it never went anywhere, except for surgery. And even then, she had it pinned to her scrubs so she wouldn't lose it.
She was carefully selecting a bracelet, and she had settled for an understated silver chain with a single pearl on it—less extravagant than she would usually wear for such an occasion.
"That's it?" he asked in surprise.
She looked up at him confused. "That's what?"
"The bracelet," he gestured vaguely. "That's all you're wearing?"
She furrowed her brow, perplexed. "Is there a problem?"
He shrugged. "It just seems too simple, is all."
Addison looked at the bracelet and then nodded, turning to the dresser to pull out her perfume. "I don't want anything to eclipse the ring," she explained plainly, spritzing on her perfume and unaware of the way Derek's heart had melted at the statement.
Not that he previously had any doubts that this was the girl for her, but tonight just absolutely sealed it. He was sure, so maddeningly sure, that Addison was the one.
PRESENT DAY
Addison was at the hospital reception trying to figure out the room for a VIP patient when she heard a familiar voice call her name.
"Addison Forbes Montgomery."
She turned on her heel to come face to face with none other than Matthew Frederick Astor Bradford, also known these days as Missy Bradford and who happened to be Mr. Addison Montgomery at some point in time.
At the surprise on her face, he chuckled. "I'm here for the AAP conference," he said with a kind, knowing smile.
Right. Mark had mentioned that to her but she completely forgot, and also completely assumed that Matthew wouldn't come.
"Matt," she greeted, moving in to give him a hug. Not without initial awkwardness. He embraced her back warmly though, even picking her up a centimeter or two from the ground before setting her down again. "You look good," she complimented sincerely, giving him a once over in approval.
And he did. He was wearing his usual tailored khaki pants and a baby blue button down, the sleeves neatly folded to his mid arm. He looked casual… casually happy. Addison had to admit happiness looked so good on Matthew.
"You look great yourself," he said, taking her hand and spinning her as if to assess her whole being. "But you look like you lost some weight, love. Are they not feeding you out here?"
She shook her head with a smile. "I happen to memorize the number of the best Chinese take-out in Seattle," she answered brightly. It was always like this with Matthew—light and easy. So easy to forget that there was an ugly past between them. She was surprised she wasn't any more reserved—she imagined she would if they ever ran into each other. But his easy demeanor was infectious, and she found there wasn't a single internal protest over it.
"Don't," he reprimanded lightly. "All that MSG will go straight to your arteries."
She laughed then. "Do you have time for coffee?" She didn't expect to feel so unnervingly relaxed upon seeing Matthew, even going so far as to invite him to spend more time with her. In her mind, she would be very awkward and nervous and very un-Addison-like. But even if she was caught off guard by his sudden appearance, she found she wasn't any of those things. She was genuinely happy to see her ex-husband, who she now considered a dear friend after gaining a little more perspective.
"I came in early to have the time to see you, actually," he admitted. With that, he offered his arm. "Shall we, my lady?"
"We shall," she replied, linking her arm in his and leading him to the cafeteria.
"Well, this place looks an awful lot like any other hospital I've been to," he commented blandly, eyes scanning Seattle Grace's interiors. "Except, the weather is horrendous."
"Yes, Seattle is apparently known for bad weather—a fact I most certainly didn't know when I moved down here. If I did, I would have thought twice," she answered easily as she pulled them both a cup from the coffee cart.
He took the coffee she offered to him and they found themselves a table. "Why did you move all the way here?"
Addison shrugged. "Richard—my old mentor—he called and said he was merging two departments. Needed someone with experience."
Matthew frowned at the explanation. "I'm sorry."
She crinkled her brows in confusion. "What for?"
"For driving you all the way to Seattle where it probably never stops raining."
Her face softened. "It's not your fault."
"I know how much you love New York," he said pointedly. "And I really do feel bad, Addie, about what happened."
"I know," she assured him, reaching over to squeeze his hand lightly. "But you don't have to. I'm okay here, I promise."
"Really?"
"It's not perfect, but I'm okay," she smiled. "What about you? How have you been?"
"I've been missing you," he said honestly. "But it's also been… really liberating."
"Has Marsha disowned you yet?" she asked knowingly, referring to Matthew's mother, Marsha Astor, who was the personification of the devil herself.
"I don't give a damn what Marsha thinks these days."
"Good for you!"
"I never realized she's been such a bitch," he continued with a roll of his eyes. "Exactly like Bizzy. But like… times a hundred. I don't know how you put up with that."
"I married you, not them," she shrugged. "And with both of our families being less than pleasant over the holidays, I was perfectly content just staying back home with you."
"That's true," he smiled. "Addie… I really am sorry." When she didn't respond, he continued, cutting to the chase and expressing all he'd been wanting to tell her for the past year. Somehow, the words didn't seem enough, even though he'd said them to her before. "I wasn't fair to you when we got married—having known who I really was. But even so, like I've told you, there was nothing fake about what I felt for you. None of it was fabricated. I still care very deeply about you, and will always be concerned about your welfare. I hope you believe me."
"I do believe you," she said sincerely. She appreciated the gesture- him flying out to see her, to talk to her, check up on her and assure her he was still her friend. Matthew had said as much when they decided to divorce, but the words flew over her head, the shock of everything keeping her from absorbing much. But with the benefit of hindsight, time, and Matthew's sweet effort to fly to see her, she could see now how much he meant everything he said.
"I'm sorry you're in this godforsaken place when you never even wanted to leave New York," he said on laugh, flashing her a grateful smile. "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you in front of all of our colleagues. And I'm sorry that I hurt you. You're the last person I want to hurt, the least deserving of it, actually. But I hurt you anyway, and I'm sorry."
He looked so sincere, so apologetic in that moment that Addison was reminded of why she loved this man to begin with. And why, after everything, she found that she had actually forgiven him and wished nothing but the best for him. There was still so much that she had to learn about the different ways she could support him—it wasn't exactly something they taught her in etiquette class. But she was willing to learn, to know the little facets that would make Matt comfortable, and really grow and blossom.
"You're my best friend," she said simply as she shook her head to let him know the apology was more than sufficient.
"Addie…"
"Matt—you're my best friend. It's my duty as your best friend to give you what you need, to support you. I don't think I'll understand everything all at once, but you know I'm always willing to try and learn what it is you need from me, as your friend."
He flashed her a grateful look, so relieved that this reunion with Addison was less awkward than he imagined it would be. "I appreciate that, love," he smiled. "I'm not in a relationship right now," he clarified, not sure why he had to say it. "Just so you know."
"Honey—take your time," she chuckled, patting his hand lightly. "And I won't be mad even if you were. In fact, I'd be happy for you."
"Yeah?"
"Yes," she nodded. "Completely."
He had a wistful look for a second before he sighed. "You're my best friend too. I hope you find happiness, whatever that means for you, out here in Seattle."
She let his words wash over her before she shook her head. "I'm surprised you went to this conference," she said, changing the subject. "You weren't always a fan."
"Still not," he replied after taking a sip of his coffee. "But when I heard it was in Seattle, and Nancy had told me you were out here, I guess I just needed to see you. So I decided to come."
"Nancy told you I was in Seattle."
"I've been working with her a lot more now that the best OB GYN is out of town," he explained with a wink. "Nancy also told me that a certain Derek Shepherd is out here."
"Oh god." She felt her cheeks heat up at the mention of Derek.
"And that she was hoping for a bit of a reunion."
"That ship has sailed many moons ago," Addison said flatly, if a little mortified. "Nancy is stuck in… the ice age."
"Is she, really?" he challenged, brow raised. "Addie, I knew even before we were married that this Derek Shepherd is larger than life. I've never met him, but it always felt like I knew him. You spoke so openly about him when we started dating, and when we were married, I knew there was a slight chance you weren't completely over him."
"If Nancy sent you then you can really cut the—"
He shook his head, interrupting her. "Nancy didn't send me," he explained. "I've actually thought this through ever since she mentioned Derek was here." After a brief pause, he sighed. "Addison, we do not get unlimited chances to have the things we want," he said seriously. "Nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life."
Addison pondered on his words, letting the meaning resonate within her. She knew that unlimited chances weren't a real thing. But what was it that she really wanted? Was it Derek? Before she could answer that for herself, someone had sidled up to her unceremoniously, without so much as a preamble.
"Addie, have you seen the scans for the patient in 1222?"
Addison looked up to see none other than Derek Shepherd standing right next to her and Matthew. He was looking straight at Addison, a cup of coffee in hand, looking absolutely ravishing with his slightly tousled hair.
Addison cleared her throat. "No, I have not Derek," she answered, avoiding Matthew's gaze.
"Derek?" Matthew parroted, looking between Addie and the man, before realization dawned on him. He grinned at the perfect timing. "Ah, the infamous Derek Shepherd. It's so good to finally have a face to the name," Matthew continued as he stood up, extending a hand for Derek to shake.
Derek looked at the hand in confusion before he hesitantly shook it. "Derek Shepherd," he introduced himself, eyeing Addison who was staunchly avoiding his gaze.
"Yes, this is Derek," Addison replied, talking to the man. "Derek," she said, finally looking at Derek and gesturing to Matthew. "This is Matthew."
"Matthew," Derek said dumbly as he let go of the hand he had just shaken. "Matthew as in—"
"Matthew Astor Bradford," he supplied, smiling jovially at Derek. "It's nice to meet you, Derek. I've heard so much about you."
There was a permanently confused look on Derek's features which he couldn't seem to wipe off. "I've heard much about you too," he said slowly. Never mind that all he had heard was that 1) he was Addison's cousin, and 2) he liked to go by Missy these days. To him, that was already certainly a lot.
"Why don't you join us for coffee," Matthew offered, taking his seat and gesturing to the one next to Addie.
Derek looked at Addison. She looked like she wanted the earth to swallow her whole in that moment. "I can only stay for a bit," he said semi-regretfully, unable to pass up the opportunity to size up the infamous Matthew Bradford. He had seen pictures over the years, but didn't expect his aura to shine through at first meeting. Derek supposed he finally understood the appeal.
Addison closed her eyes briefly to steel herself as Derek took a seat next to her. "Matthew is here for the peds conference."
"The peds conference?"
"Yes."
"I see," Derek replied. "Did you arrive this morning?"
"Yesterday, actually," Matthew answered, his eyes unabashedly studying Derek.
"Did you fly commercial?" Addison asked, feigning indifference to the way her ex-husband was intently studying her ex-fiance.
Matthew took a moment before nodding. "I did. I've renounced the ways of Satan and decided to embrace reality," he said.
Derek's brow furrowed. "Satan?"
"My mother," he explained. "Would never fly commercial even if her life depended on it."
"Sounds like Bizzy," Derek remarked casually before taking a sip of his coffee.
Matthew nodded. "Yes, but times a hundred," he laughed. "Aren't you glad you dodged that bullet?" he asked, the question a thinly veiled test of Derek's character. He chanced a glance at Addison who looked red, like she might possibly die of a heart attack in a matter of seconds.
Derek frowned. "I don't know…" he answered, trailing off.
"Oh come on," Matthew prodded. "Don't tell me you're not the least bit relieved to have gotten rid of Bizzy."
Derek would have taken Bizzy if it meant a lifetime with Addison, but he didn't know how to say it. There was an unreadable expression on his face, and an immediate palpable tension between himself and Addison. Addison decidedly avoided his gaze, and Derek suppressed the urge to sigh. "I'd have lived through all of that, for Addison."
Addison instantly whipped her head to serve Derek a disbelieving look. She didn't expect Derek to say that, least of all in front of Matthew. She wasn't sure how Derek felt about Matt, if he appreciated the line of questioning Matt had shamelessly gone to.
But before Addison could say anything, Matthew hummed thoughtfully. "Yes, Addison is pretty worth it, isn't she?" he asked sweetly, taking Addison's hand in his while studying Derek's reaction.
Derek looked like he wanted to snatch Addison's hand, but mercifully managed a smile, reminding himself why Matthew and Addison had divorced to begin with. "Yes, a keeper," he agreed, boldly sliding a hand under the table to rest on Addison's lap.
Addison's face turned scarlet, but she said nothing. Between Matthew's hand in hers and Derek's hand on her lap, she felt like the biggest whore on the planet. She prayed to the gods that be that a laboring mother would walk into the ER at that exact moment, so she would be paged and wouldn't have to deal with all of this.
Matthew cleared his throat, looking between Addison's bewildered expression and Derek's almost possessive one. He contained his knowing smile, and decided to reserve the teasing for later.
"Will you be in town long?" Addison interrupted, taking her hand back from Matthew's and shaking Derek's from her lap.
"Just 3 days, until the end of the conference," Matthew replied. "I hope to catch up with you for dinner one of these days, while I'm in town."
"I'd love to."
"And Derek, would you join us?" Matthew asked innocently.
"I'm not sure," Derek answered. "But you and Addie go and catch up. I'm sure there's a lot to be said," he finished, looking straight at Addison with an unreadable expression.
"Yes," Matthew agreed, looking between Derek and Addison and smirking at the awkwardness between the two.
Derek's pager beeped and he chanced a glance to check it. "Well," Derek spoke. "I have to take this," he said apologetically. "Matthew, it was nice to meet you." He turned to Addison as he stood up. "Addie, page me when you get the chance to look at the scans?"
"I will," she smiled before watching him walk towards the elevators. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Well, that was completely insane."
"I thought it was hot."
"What?"
"The sexual tension," he clarified with a smirk. "You could cut it with a knife."
"Stop."
"No, really," he laughed. "Addison, honey. I love you, but you better get on that ass before someone else beats you to it."
Derek was tired of the fact that he and Addison were still just this side of awkward around each other. He was so tired of it, in fact, that he almost considered just talking to her. But of course he didn't do that. Communication wasn't his strongest suit. So instead he allowed them to skirt around each other—in the hallways, the elevator, the scrub room, the lounge, everywhere—all the while trying to figure out how to best to get back to her good graces.
They never really talked about the fight they had. Or the fact that he had broken up with Meredith. They just swept all of that under the proverbial rug, together with that box they both had that was too big for any room to contain. So adept were they at just ignoring things that he could even call this the new normal. But he knew better than settling for such an arrangement with Addison.
To make matters worse, he of course just had to run into Addison and her ex-husband, who was conveniently in the same city for a conference. There was finally a face to the name of the person who had "stolen" Addison from him. He wasn't sure how he felt about it.
One the one hand—he was relieved. Matthew looked completely harmless, and the brief exchange they had seemed as if he was there simply to support Addison. Which was good—Addison needed all the support she could get. But there were also conflicting emotions bubbling in his chest. Things like—this is the guy my fiancée married instead, or, this is the reason I never moved back to New York after fellowship. But all things considered, he didn't begrudge Matthew. If it weren't for him, Addison wouldn't be in Seattle to begin.
Which brought him back to his very dilemma.
He was already 100% certain he was in love with Addison and wanted her back. Had he said it to her? Not in so many words. Definitely not in any romantic sense. His attempts were more indirect, involving a lot of yelling. He had to fix that. This time, he was ready.
He was absolutely ready to start earning brownie points with Addison Montgomery, to let go of all the hurt and resentment he had harbored about their failed relationship, and give it all a clean slate. Meeting Matthew was just the push he needed. Addison's ex-husband seemed well-meaning, even put up a bit of a test to check for his worthiness. He liked to think he passed.
He was determined, more determined than he ever was before, to finally make Addison the Shepherd she was always bound to be.
After Matthew's visit, something had shifted in Derek's mood. He wasn't brooding anymore. Wasn't irritable or obnoxious. In fact—he was jolly. Happy. Positively freaking dreamy. It was like a switch was turned and here was Derek Shepherd of the McDreamy lore suddenly back from his battles with The Dark One. And it confused Addison.
Suddenly, there was juju in the NICU. For her and her staff. There were banana walnut muffins left on her office desk in the morning, and random visits to the NICU just to check in on her. He never stayed, was always mind-blowingly cordial, and never pushed. There were also surgeries—moments when her eyes would flicker to the gallery and he would be there smiling down at here, even for a measly C-section.
Those gestures, she decided, she could probably take. They were small steps. At this point she's accepted that she was still in love with Derek. But even then, she wasn't ready to say it. She was unbelievably uncertain, still trying to guard her heart and be 100% sure this was what she wanted. She needed things to go just a little slower. Sure it had been an entire year, but this realization, this acceptance, was new. And she didn't feel like rushing into things.
The truth was that she was scared. She was scared Derek would hurt her the way he did before, and she hesitated over giving him the power to do precisely that yet again. She was scared because she had been betrayed, once by Derek, and then once by Matthew, and her impartiality to slow-steady-wait just a second let me catch my breath- was at the forefront of her mind.
Matthew had told her that you do not get unlimited chances to get the things you want. She was certain, now, it was Derek. And the respectful distance he had kept from her, mixed with abounding assurance that he was just there, kept her steadily anchored towards an ultimate goal of finally being ready to commit to Derek Shepherd again.
She really just needed to get over the paralyzing fear.
By Thanksgiving, Richard had managed to plan a hospital gala that would have all of the city's biggest benefactors in attendance. He made it especially clear that all attendings, especially department heads, had to come. Smize, socialize, and rake in some money for the hospital.
Addison was used to that kind of pimping. Mt. Sinai had an annual gala she and Matthew used to attend, always dressed to perfection, because their entire lives they were trained for such occasions. It didn't always mean she had fun at the event, but it was a chance to dress up, to buy a nice dress and a new pair of shoes and to glam up. Not that she really needed much reason to glam up—she did that on the daily anyway. But the excuse to dress up and dance somehow made the whole shebang a little more tolerable.
She wasn't sure how she would fare in Seattle. She was fairly certain she didn't need a man to accompany her, and she could jazz up the room all on her own. But it would be nice not to be alone. Mark had offered to pick her up, but he was called in for an emergency and regretfully said he'd go straight to the gala from the hospital. So she drove herself over to the venue, careful not to wrinkle her sage silk dress with the seatbelt. The valet took care of her car, and she walked to the hall where she caught sight of Derek immediately.
He was in the corner, so handsome in his tux, chatting up a few of the interns. He looked clean-shaven and really freaking dreamy. His aura was light, like there was new life in him, laughing at something George had said.
Her eyes scanned the room again for any other familiar faces. Meredith was there with a guy who didn't look like he worked at the hospital. Richard and Adele were dancing in the middle of the dancefloor, and Burke was chatting with an old lady with obnoxiously huge diamond earrings that almost blinded Addison. All in all, it actually seemed like a run of the mill charity gala. She tried to assess who Richard was going to force her to dance with before a voice came from behind her.
"I like that your hair is down today," he complimented.
She turned around, coming face to face with Mark, who looked impeccable in his tuxedo. "Hey."
"You look great, Addie. Did you bring this dress all the way from New York?"
She shrugged. "It was in one of the boxes."
"Well, you look absolutely dazzling," he said, offering his arm.
She took it gratefully. "How was your surgery?"
"It went well," he replied, leading her expertly to the bar. "I've got an intern watching the patient like a hawk. I'll get paged if anything comes up."
"That's good," she replied, watching Mark order them each a drink.
"Have you seen Derek?" he asked before taking a sip of his scotch.
"He was somewhere with the interns just a minute ago," she said, holding a flute of champagne with her right hand.
"You should have seen him last year," Mark commented. "He was a… brooding figure at the bar the entire evening."
"Why's that?"
Mark shrugged. "Always has been at these kinds of functions, to be honest. But last year when he made department head, suddenly it was mandatory to come. He didn't particularly enjoy."
Addison frowned. It's not how she remembered Derek. He didn't particularly enjoy the Montgomery parties, but he wasn't miserable either.
"Mark and Addison," Richard announced as he walked over to them, kissing Addison lightly on the cheek. "You look great Addie."
"You clean up well, chief," she said, laughing as Richard took her hand let her spin.
"Addie, honey, how have you been?" Adele greeted, taking Addison is for a warm embrace. "You look like you need to eat a little more. That shoulder of yours might have just cut me."
Addison chuckled. "Adele, I've missed you."
"You too honey."
"Mr. Von Hapsburg is over there," Richard said, pointing to a gentleman about Addison's age a few paces from them. "He can get you that Da Vinci you were telling me about, for your neonatal surgeries."
Addison raised a brow. "Really?"
"I think all you have to do is to make some polite conversation, maybe a bit of a dance. He's known to be partial to anyone with red hair."
Addison made a face at him. "You do know that this is borderline, if upscale, prostitution, right?"
"Well, do you want that machine or not?" Richard replied, brow raised in challenge.
"I do," Addison huffed, before nearly shoving her champagne into Richard's hand. "Hold my drink would you."
Mark had a glint in his slate grey eyes as they all watched Addison approach Mr. Von Hapsburg. It was clear to anyone with eyes that the man was immediately enchanted, easily captivated by Addison's confident smile and her demure laugh. She was a master of socializing, of absolute charm, that much was certain. They couldn't hear what the pair was talking about, but Mr. Von Hapsburg was laughing along with Addison, and then inviting her to the dance floor.
"That's my girl," Richard declared proudly, downing Addison's champagne in one motion.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, Richard," Adele scolded, shaking her head but also equally impressed by Addison's skills.
Richard ignored Adele. "Now, Mark. That lady over there," he said, pointing subtly at a woman in black, about Richard and Adele's age. "Her name's Etta Lennox. They own one of the cruise lines that ply the Seattle-Alaska route. She flew in for a city event, but we managed to invite her at the last minute."
"Do I get my wing expansion?" Mark asked, carefully studying his target with the precision of a hawk.
He nodded in confirmation. "You get a wing expansion and more nurses."
"Excellent," Mark smiled, taking his last sip of scotch, setting the glass down, and then heading off to charm his target.
"You're like… a pimp, Richard," Adele said. "You're a surgeon, not a pimp."
"A pimp?" said a voice behind her. Derek, who had heard the last of Adele's comment was standing right behind her, flashing his signature McDreamy smile.
"Richard has been pimping all you attendings for the hospital," Adele said before she kissed Derek on the cheek. "Look at you."
"Yes, Richard seems to have that habit," Derek replied lightly, teasingly.
"It's all for a good cause," Richard defended. "And you're up next."
"I've no doubt of it," Derek answered with a slight shake of his head. He signaled for the bartender to get him a glass of scotch.
"He's already sent Mark and Addison ahead of you, dear. And the wheels in his head are still turning," Adele warned, watching as Richard scanned the room with his eyes.
"Addison is here?" Derek asked, interest obviously piqued.
Adele suppressed a knowing smile. "Dancing with a certain Von Hapsburg over there," she said, pointing to where Addison was indeed waltzing with a fairly good-looking man.
Derek stared a moment. Under the lights of the dancefloor and with her sage silk dress flowing beautifully with every move, she looked ethereal. Her red hair swayed with her, and he thought she looked absolutely graceful as she danced. His throat felt parched at the sight.
Before he could say anything, however, the lights in the room brightened a bit, and the evening's host asked everyone to take their seats for the program to start.
"You'll get your chance later," Adele whispered in his ear knowingly, before being whisked away by Richard.
Derek took a moment to compose himself and then located his designated table. Addison was already there, seated right next to Mark.
"Addie," Derek greeted as he pulled the chair next to her.
"Hey," she smiled, accepting a short kiss on the cheek. "Got a head start on the drinks?"
"As much a head start as you got on the dancing," he grinned. "Did you get anything out of it?"
"A meeting with the board to discuss a brand new Da Vinci," Addison replied smugly, smoothing out the table napkin over her dress.
"Already?" Mark asked with a low whistle. "Damn, you're good. I only just started chatting up that Lennox lady."
"For what?" Derek asked, allowing the waiter behind him to pour them all some water.
"An expanded ORL wing and a few more nurses on staff."
Derek shook his head but said nothing.
"What about you?" Addison asked.
"Richard hasn't found me a suitable target yet," he explained, grinning as Addison chuckled. "But he will by the end of the night."
"Oh, I've no doubt of it," Addison replied confidently.
The program started, and then dinner was served. There were speeches—so many speeches. Far too many speeches for such an event. It made the night drag on. But for Derek, despite the constant drone of every benefactor and their sons, the night seemed electric. Addison was beside him, looking positively radiant, and he was acutely aware of how close they were. Her presence. Sure they'd been this close before, even closer when they were operating. But with the liberating acceptance that he was deathly in love with this woman, even the mere nearness of her sent him swooning.
He didn't hide it anymore. Didn't bother denying it to himself or to anyone who asked. He was in love with Addison. If only he had the courage to say it—really say it to her face, instead of hiding behind cups of juju and random moments in the OR gallery. He had made a terrible mistake letting her go once, and he'd be damned if he let her go again. Not when she was this close. Not when they finally had a chance.
When all the speeches ended and Richard seemed preoccupied with the other attendings dancing with the who's who of Seattle's high society, Derek stood up from his seat.
"Would you like to dance?" he asked, offering his hand out to Addison.
Addison turned to look at Derek's hand, and then up to see his earnest expression. "I don't know…" This was definitely a bad idea.
"Come on," he encouraged gentle, sensing her hesitation and hoping to convince her otherwise. He flashed her a charming smile, the one that ladies couldn't resist.
"Go on, Red," Mark reassured her. "I'll watch your purse for you," he finished on a wink.
She reigned in a defeated sigh and then nodded, seeing that she was outnumbered and had no good excuse not to dance. Richard was off parading some attending or other to the next rich widow, and it would be a while before he remembered Derek had yet to charm a dowager empress of so and so country to get the OR an expansion.
Gingerly, she took Derek's hand, his palm warm in hers and as comforting as she remembered. Just as she took his hand, the opening strings of an old, incredibly cheesy, but also incredibly appropriate song filled the room. She suppressed the urge to groan.
Derek carefully led her to the dancefloor, while Mark stayed behind, the plastic surgeon shaking his head and trying hard not to smirk. If this was orchestrated, no one knew. But it sure as hell was entertaining.
We had the right love at the wrong time
Guess I always knew inside
I wouldn't have you for a long time
Addison wanted to groan as Barry Manilow's voice filled the ballroom. "Derek…" she said uncertainly.
"Just go with it," he soothed, slipping a hand on her waist and letting her wrap her arms around his neck.
"You planned this," she accused, feeling slightly frustrated.
"I didn't," Derek promised in a manner he hoped was comforting, swaying to the rhythm of the song. He didn't plan it. But wasn't it so apt?
Those dreams of yours are shining on distant shores
And if they're calling you away
I have no right to make you stay
Addison smoothly matched Derek's pace, ignoring the lyrics as much as her mind could block out, and ignoring the thumping in her chest at how close she and Derek were. She had missed this—missed how perfectly her body fit next to Derek's, memories of so many slow dances shared between them surfacing at this most inopportune time.
"I can hear you thinking," he whispered into her ear. "Relax," he said, pulling her closer and breathing in her scent.
She was wearing the Chanel perfume she usually wore for occasions such as this, as was her custom for so many years. Derek was pleased to learn this hadn't changed, the familiarity bringing him comfort and an even stronger determination to win her back.
Sometimes goodbyes are not forever
It doesn't matter if you're gone
I still believe in us together
Addison willed herself to relax in his arms despite her mind going a mile a minute at this song they were dancing to. Did Barry Manilow know them when he wrote this song? She wasn't sure, but he may as well have. The lyrics were going straight to her chest, a cheesy if not entirely true retelling of how they ended up here in the first place.
Derek's arms were strong, broader than she remembered them to be, but so achingly familiar. They moved together as if they had choreographed every step so many years ago, practiced with precision, only better with time. Never mind that it had been almost nine years since they last danced together—Addison couldn't even remember when it was. Was it the Spring Gala of 1998? Or maybe it was at a random bar or upscale restaurant, before she found his acceptance letter to Brigham and Women's Hospital.
She wondered if Derek felt her bounding pulse, her thumping heart. They were so close, he probably did. She could smell his aftershave—woodsy and masculine and somehow so personal. She could feel his curly hair tickle the side of her face, reminding her of their proximity and how, despite her mind protesting, she felt at home in his embrace.
I understand more than you think I can
You have to go out on your own
So you can find your way back home
"Addie…" he whispered close to her ear.
He felt like he was floating. Everything was perfect. He was in love with her. He knew she was in love with him. The perfect song was playing, he had her in his arms. It all felt surreal, his heart overcome with emotion at having this opportunity again. He didn't think, in the last 3 years, that he would ever have this chance again. But he did, and he was doggedly resolute on not letting this perfect moment pass them by.
But somewhere down the road
"Hmm?" she replied tentatively when he whispered her name.
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
"I have to tell you something," he said softly, his heart quickening its pace, his arms pulling her closer, if it were at all possible.
She pulled away a little, instantly wary, the fear she felt about loving Derek coming back and settling dreadfully in the pit of her stomach.
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
"I love you, Addison," he said without hesitation, voice firm, placing no doubt as to the genuineness of his feelings and the strength of his love.
She pulled back even more at that, her face finally registering the fear that was in other places—like her stomach. Like her bones. She felt the declaration coming, knew from the moment her offered the dance and the music started playing. She had a distinct feeling things were going to come to a head tonight. But a part of her was still surprised, unready to confront what had been plaguing her for months now.
"Derek, please—"
"I love you," he repeated, louder this time. More emphatic. "It's taken a long ass time for me to come to this moment, but I'm here. And you're here," he said, still holding on to Addison's waist even as she tried to pull away.
Addison managed to pull away further, Derek's hand dropping to his side. She shook her head, her face still bearing the fear that was somehow, maybe irrationally, still eating at her heart. "Derek, now isn't the time," she replied, her eyes darting between Derek and the other people on the dancefloor who were seemingly oblivious to the tipping point currently happening within their arms' reach.
"I know we've been through so much," he said, unfazed by Addison's less than warm response. "There's still so much we have to sort out. But I can't lie anymore, Addie. I don't want to lie anymore. To you, to me, to everyone we know. I love you—that's the whole truth. And I want to be with you."
She stared at him pleadingly, as if to say, please stop. The Barry Manilow song had mercifully ended, giving way to another tune. They were standing in the middle of the dancefloor surrounded by dancing couples who went about their way. But she was stock still, shocked to the core. Well, not shocked—because she knew this was bound to happen. But she thought she had more time to sort things out within herself. And here was Derek, declaring his love for her, saying without room for doubt that he wanted to be with her. It made her panic.
Derek felt the hope drain little by little, first by the expression on Addison's face (pure horror? Fear? He couldn't really tell), and then by the way she pulled away from him. And now, her silence—loud, deafening silence that spoke more about how she felt than any words ever could. "Addie…"
Say something, Addison! She mentally kicked herself, fighting to urge to run but also trying to balance it with the primal need to soften the blow, to comfort Derek, to tell him it would all be okay. That she just needed time. This man had just professed his love for her. The least she could do was to say something. Anything. Anything at all to erase the sadness that was starting to creep on to his features. But she couldn't. She couldn't.
"I can't do this," she said quickly, the words tumbling out of her mouth as hastily as she walked away from him. She needed to get out—far from this ballroom, far from Derek, far from all the thoughts and fears that plagued her excruciatingly. So she ran, leaving Derek alone on the dancefloor, lost and confused and hurt beyond measure.
AN: I have nothing else to say except that I AM SO OVERJOYED that Addison is coming back to Grey's!