Chapter 20: Ash

I can't believe that Lexa now owns a superyacht. I'm not sure that I like how she came into possession of it, but I trust her. I know Lexa is young and doesn't know a lot about interacting with people, but one thing she does know how to do is fight. So, if she says this fight club or whatever is legit, well, except for it being unsanctioned, I believe her. She would never lie to me outright, so I'm going to let her do what she wants as long as I can go check it out.

I'm a little concerned about her betting, but at the same time, she has only bet on herself. I can't fault her for that. I mean, she knows what she's doing when it comes to fighting. After we ate lunch with my mother on deck, Reed took us for a ship tour. I couldn't believe that we ended up seeing Reed and Jose again out of all the people in the world. Don't get me wrong, it's great because I know that I can trust them after everything they did to help Lexa. But, amazingly, they ended up working on the boat that she won. What are the odds?

Once mom leaves, I think that we're finally going to get to be alone together for a while, but it turns out that Lexa has some business to attend to, and she wants my help. We spend the next couple of hours meeting with the crew and figuring out how best to accommodate what she has planned for the ship and the staff. It turns out that Lexa didn't really need me here; after all, she seems to know exactly what she is doing. I shouldn't be surprised because she did come up with and lead a tactical mission that took down an entire Taliban cell, but it is a little surprising she is so good with people.

Once we're finally done with all of the meetings, she turns to me and asks if I would stay the night. She is so cute when she is unsure of herself. Then, she starts rambling about the sleeping arrangements how if I didn't feel comfortable sleeping in the same room with her, I could use one of the suites. I couldn't help but laugh at her. I wish to God everything wasn't so complicated right now. I want nothing more than to be able to plan my proposal to this amazing woman, but I can't. I promised Callie I would give her a chance. I know Lexa says she understands, but I'm not really sure she does. I mean, hell, I really don't understand.

I have to admit, though, that I did have a good time yesterday with Callie and Asher. There were times when being with them felt right like it was where I was supposed to be. It was like the last six years just disappeared, and I forgot for a split second everything that has happened between us. It was like we just fit together, but then something would remind me of Lexa, and I would remember how well we work together. How can it be that two people that are so utterly opposed to one another both feel right to me? I really need to get my mind right before I make any significant decisions.

I hear Lexa clear her throat, and she says, "Ash, are you okay? I mean, if this is too much for you, just let me know. I don't want to make things worse for you. I just want to spend time with you. I've been so busy these past few weeks with Octavia and all her or our friends. I feel like I haven't seen you in a year."

I say, "I'm fine, really. I was just thinking about how well you are handling all of your new responsibilities, that's all. I'm glad that you're making friends, but I am a little jealous that I haven't seen you that much."

She smiles, "I'm glad to hear that you miss me. I thought you might forget about me since you have Callie and Asher to keep you company."

"What? Are you kidding? I could never forget about you. Yes, I have been spending time with them. I'm not going to lie to you, sometimes I feel like the last few years just melt away, and I forget all the bad things that happened between us. Asher will do something cute, and I feel like my heart will explode with happiness, but then I think, man, I wish Lexa were here to see this. I know this is hard for you, but just know that it is for me as well."

"I know. I wanted you to be there last night so bad when I was fighting the Championship fight, then after, all I could think about was how bad I wanted to call you and have you come celebrate with me. But I knew you were with them, and I didn't want to interrupt your time with them."

I smile and say, "I'm sorry that I wasn't there last night, but I'm sure you caught the attention of more than one person. They would be crazy not to want to be with you. I want you to know that you are free to date or whatever. I won't like it, but it's not fair to you to have to wait on me. I also would like it very much if I could come to your next fight."

She turns red while looking at her feet, which is a sure sign that something happened she doesn't want to tell me. I look at her, "What is it, Lexa? You know you can talk to me."

She continues to look at her feet but says, "Well, there was this one girl…I met her the other night at that country line dancing place, but she acted like she didn't want anything to do with me. Then last night, she came up and wanted to buy me a drink between fights, so I let her. We talked a little, then after my next fight, she ran into the cage and jumped into my arms, and kissed me. It just happened."

I'm not going to lie; it felt like she had just punched me in the gut. I couldn't breathe for a split second even though I just told her it was okay; I was really hoping she would just wait on me. Once I regained my composure, I looked up at her, and she had a tear running down her cheek. I couldn't help myself; I stepped closer and used my thumb to wipe it away. I said, "Lexa, it's okay. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm the one who said I needed time, and I don't expect you to just wait around. You are young and now that you are free to do what you want you should do exactly that. Experiment, have fun, but babe, never feel guilty about any of it."

"That's the problem, Ash. I didn't feel guilty at that moment. It felt good to be wanted when I kissed her back. It felt amazing. Different than kissing you but still amazing. Then after the Championship match, we kissed again, but then she ghosted me at the party. Never even showed up. As if I weren't already confused, but I couldn't blame her because after the fights, all I could think about was talking or seeing you."

"Lexa, promise me that you will not just sit and wait on me."

"Ash, there is something else I feel like I should tell you."

"What is it, Lexa? You can tell me anything."

"Well…it's…um…this morning I woke up with someone in bed with me, but I don't remember anything about what happened. All I remember is that I was pissed that Allie didn't show up and all the crap with Finn. I was so pissed off. I just needed to…I don't know, not feel. So, O and I just drank and danced."

I really wasn't expecting to hear that, and I don't really know what to say other than, "It's okay, sometimes things happen, but you need to be careful don't let this become a habit. But at the same time, I need you to go with your gut feeling. If you like someone, see where it goes, but at the same time, I still want to be able to spend time with you. So we will have to figure out everything together. I mean how far we want to take being together. I mean, I want you so badly right now, but I don't want to confuse things more, so maybe we should take things slow. Now I'm rambling, but I don't know how to do this."

"I don't either, Ash. How about this? We promise to always be honest with one another when one of us asks about what we do with other people. I know that sounds crazy, and I really don't want to know what you do with others, but at the same time, if I ask, I want the truth, you know. I just want us to be honest with one another, even if it hurts. Is that crazy?"

"Sort of, but I know what you mean. We do need to communicate, and I promise to always tell you what you want to know. Now let's go grab your stuff so we can get back on board in time to see the sunset as we cruise back to the docks."

"That sounds good. I promise to tell you also. While we are putting everything out there, I feel like I should also tell you…the other night after you left the bar. I was pissed that no one had told me about Jess and then we danced…and there was a thing with Clarke which I can't figure out. Any way I went home with a couple of girls and well, one thing led to another and I was drunk and things happened. I'm sorry! I will text O and tell her to meet us in the morning with the jeep at the dock so we will have a way to go shopping tomorrow. I really do want to see about a motorcycle."

As we head to the house, I think I'm glad we talked about things, but it did really hurt when she told me she had kissed someone else and liked it. On top of that, I'm stunned that she apparently slept with someone last night. Then she told me about the other girls…I wonder if that's the only time or have there has been more since we got to California. I guess I could ask, but…I'm not sure why it surprises me, though. I mean, she is an amazing person and extremely beautiful. It would be stupid of me to think that she wouldn't have plenty of chances to experiment or even fall in love. But, I really need to be realistic with myself. If I keep her waiting too long, she will find someone else. I can't think like that though, it's like mom and Abby said, 'if it is meant to be, then it will, no matter what gets in the way.'