"Eventually something you love is going to be taken away. And then you will fall to the floor crying. "
― Richard Siken
Title inspired by Everbody Hurts by R.E.M
Their freshman year passes and Yuuri realizes he's in love. He finds his breath catching whenever David touches his arm to get his attention; when they sit with their bodies pressed together while watching Victors routines; when David presses on his lower back to help him stretch.
Over time Yuuri begins to think that his feelings may even be requited. He sees David leaning against the boards staring at him, with fire in his eyes, after Yuuri lands a new jump or aces a new step sequence. They never really talk about it, but Yuuri doesn't think they have to. David knows him. He hasn't seen all of the mess and pain in Yuuri's chest but Yuuri knows that even if he showed David all of that, David would still look at Yuuri the same way.
Yuuri's heart is so full he doesn't quite know what to do with it. It's in his nature to be fearful but he isn't scared of this. Looking back, he really should have been.
They're sitting by the Harbor when it happens. It summers in Michigan and for once the sun is out. They're sitting side by side at what Yuuri has begun to call "their spot". A cool breeze blows in from the Harbor and Yuuri thinks of Hasetsu, feels longing and comfort. When he looks over at David his breath catches. The sun is turning his hair golden and in this light he's practically glowing. He winks back when he feels Yuuri's gaze.
I have to say it. I have to. Yuuri is leaving for the Southern Regional Championships the following morning and David will have gone home for the Holidays when he gets back. He has to say it. Now or never.
"David" he whispers. He must hear something in Yuuri's voice because when he turns to him, he's serious.
"Yuuri?" He's looking at Yuuri. David always looks directly at him, pays attention, sees him. It's one of the things Yuuri likes, no, loves about him. The feelings Yuuri's been harbouring for over a year rise in his chest. He thinks of all the early morning smiles, the lessons in pop culture, the laughter. He knows he's doing the right thing.
"David... I" he twists his hands in his lap, unsure of what the right words are.
"I'm not someone that makes friends easily, you know that right?"
David snickers, but not unkindly, never unkindly. Yuuri continues
"With you. From the beginning, it was so easy. You make this place feel like home" Yuuri gestures around them "David. I. I love you"
There is silence, and around them, the cool breeze continues to blow, the sun continues to shine. After a while, Yuuri looks up, growing worried. David is looking out on the harbour but something's wrong. His jaw is tight and he's not returning Yuuri's gaze. Yuuri's stomach is sinking, he feels like he's going to throw up.
"Yuuri," David says eventually "I don't know what to say." he still hasn't looked away from the harbour. Waves ripple softly across the water.
"W-what do you mean? "
"Are you gay Yuuri?" he says suddenly, turning to him. His face is blank. Yuuri doesn't recognize this look. He feels like there are waves crashing in his head. What the fuck is happening. This is wrong. This is not how it was supposed to go.
"Yes. I am. I-I thought you knew that?" he says quietly "David. Did you hear what I said? I love you."
David flinches at his words but doesn't take his eyes off of Yuuri. Even now. He sees Yuuri.
"Yuuri.. that's a sin," he says seriously. Oh, God. Oh no. How... Yuuri can't process what's happening. The noise is his head is growing louder. He feels himself start to tear up, tries to hold it in.
"David how can this be a sin, when it feels so right. I know... I know you feel it too David. I know It can't just be me. Please-" his voice cracks and he reaches for Davids's arm.
"Yuuri. I don't know what you're talking about. We're friends. I was kind to you because you were new here. We were friends. Yuuri... it's wrong. It's a sin. I'm not... like that." His voice is still cold, Yuuri's never heard him use this voice before. When Yuuri looks up though, his eyes are sad. Yuuri is crying now. Big, fat, ugly tears are rolling doing his cheeks. He can't lose this.
"I-I'm sorry. I'll try to stop... feeling this way. Please can we just p-pretend this didn't happen. Please I just... I need y-" his voice is high and desperate, pathetic, he thinks "can't we just be friends?" David is looking at him like he feels sorry for him. Like Yuuri just told him he failed calculus. Not, like he's ripping up Yuuri's heart into tiny pieces. Yuuri can't breathe.
"Yuuri, I'm sorry but I don't think we can be friends anymore. I hope you realize that the way you're living just isn't right. You're a great guy Yuuri, I'm sorry."
The white noise that's been roaring in Yuuri's ears stops. Everything is quiet. This is real, he realizes. It hits him like a wave of icy cold water. Leaves him feeling raw and numb. He's been so stupid. He was an idiot to think he could've been happy; to think that someone loved him. This was always going to happen.
David sighs and gets up, picks up his backpack. He looks down at Yuuri. The sun throwing his face into shadows. Even now he's so beautiful. So good. So kind. He thinks Yuuri is a sinner. He thinks Yuuri is going to hell.
He reaches into his pockets, pulls out a tissue and hands it to Yuuri. Yuuri fixes his eyes on it, a white square in blurry vision. He can't fall apart. Not here. Not yet.
"Goodbye, Yuuri" he walks away, Yuuri's world, Yuuri's life, crumbles around him.