"And then, however much later, it is finally happening to you: you're falling to the floor crying thinking, "I am falling to the floor crying," but there's an element of the ridiculous to it — you knew it would happen and, even worse, while you're on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor and you realize you didn't paint it very well."

― Richard Siken

The title is from I'm So Tired by Fugazi

Yuuri is numb as he unlocks the door to his dorm room. When he gets inside, Phichit is playing FIFA on the couch. He glances at him from the couch.

"Yuuri?" Yuuri feels like he's hearing Phichit through a deep pool of water. His voice sounds far away.

"Yuuri?" Phichit asks again, clearly worried. He gets up and takes Yuuri's bag from his shoulder "Bad day at practice?"

Yuuri just shrugs. He barely feels it as Phichit leads him to the couch. They watch a romcom and Phichit makes a dinner which Yuuri forces himself to eat. Halfway through the movie, silent tears start streaming down Yuuri's face. He observes himself crying distantly, like a stranger, he is not within his body.

Phichit doesn't say anything, just pulls Yuuri into his chest and watches the movie. He's a good friend Yuuri thinks, it's a pity he's barely gotten to know him whilst he's been in the US.

Yuuri remains numb, detached, on the plane to Nagano. He had been excited to skate in his home country but now he just feels empty. He wakes up on competition Day to find 12 miscalls from Mari. He hadn't noticed her calling the night before. He stretches, packs his bag for the rink and meets Celestino downstairs.

On the way to the rink, Mari calls again. Yuuri doesn't pick up, lets his phone ring. He doesn't know why. They get stuck in traffic and Yuuri opens Facebook, refreshes his page barely paying attention to the words. He nearly scrolls past a post from his mother, Hiroko Katsuki. 安らかに休むヴィッチャン (1) it says.

Yuuri is jolted back into his body. He calls Mari immediately.

"Mari..." He says, panicking now "Mari.. is ..."

"Yuuri," she says softly, it sounds like she's been crying.

"Vicchan passed away this morning" she chokes up but continues. Mari has always been the strong one. "He was sick for a while but... we didn't want to distract you... we thought he'd be fine, it was all so sudden. I've been trying to call you, Yuuri" Her voice turns sharp at the end.

God, he's so self-involved, so selfish. He could've been there. He didn't even get to say goodbye. He should've known but how could he, he barely ever calls home. He could've sent money. This is his fault. He's sobbing now, for the third time in three days. This has to be a new record.

"I-I'm so sorry Mari, I was on the plane and. I don't have any excuses. I'm sorry"

"Yuuri? when are nationals? They're this weekend aren't they, I forgot, everything has been so hectic here" Yuuri's heart clenches at her guilty tone, he should be the one feeling guilty.

"I'm on the way to the rink. It's fine Mari, I understand, but I have to go now. I will catch a train home after the competition."

Yuuri explains what happens to Celestino and it's all a blur till suddenly, he's being called onto the ice. He managed to stop crying before they left the taxi and everything has taken on that detached, distant quality once again. He vaguely hears Celestino telling him to do his best before he goes on the ice.

He skates to the centre and for the first time, the ice doesn't feel like home. If he hadn't discovered skating he never would have met David, he would've been there for Vicchan. He's so selfish. The audience can probably tell.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Nobody could love him, idiot.

He tries to ignore the thoughts but they're too loud. Too true. He lands his first axel but it's shaky. From there it only gets worse. His music is stupid. Too happy, too hopeful. He chose this piece when he was in love; when he was deluded. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. He flubs every single jump. He just wants this to be over. What will people say? he wonders, during his step sequences. It's sloppy but he doesn't think he can do any better.

"Katsuki Yuuri showed so much potential," they'll laugh, "such a pity he failed so miserably at nationals."

Yuuri ends the tournament in last place. He's never performed this badly and Celestion is confused, everyone who saw him at regionals is confused. He calls his family and tries, to put on a brave face. They tell him not to come back to Hasetsu, it's unspoken but Yuuri knows it's because they don't have the money.

"There's nothing you can do now, Yuuri," his father tells him. Yuuri smiles woodenly and says he understands. He holds in the tears and flies back to Detroit.

Notes:

(1) 安らかにお眠りください。ヴィッチャン= rest in peace Vicchan

I've been writing in the present tense so far and I think It's a bit weird. Gonna switch to narrative tense in the next chapter. Feedback would be much appreciated, I'm new at this.