Randy shakes his dick like a wand, "Last time on Survivor! Twenty wizards, witches, elves, mudbloods, neo-nazis started an adventure of a lifetime." Close-ups of Ron, Luna, Dobby, Hermione, and Draco.

"They were then sorted into their respective tribe houses by the Sorting Hat." The Sorting Hat made cunty faces as he roasted the castaways.

"As the four tribes set up camp, there was drama between Minerva and Hermione's luxury item, Crookshanks." Luna was recounting how she heard the feline sexual assault.

"At the immunity challenge, the season twist surprised the contestants… only two tribes will win immunity. Two tribes will always go to tribal council and vote out either one or two people at a time."

The fight for the two boot port keys raged on as the challenge was a race up them spinning stairs. Montage of the old people being slow and arthritic as they climbed, "Gryffindor and Hufflepuff win immunity!"

"Ravenclaw couldn't stick together due to the allegations against Crookshanks, and at a messy as fuck first tribal council, Minerva was blindsided over Draco and Hermione."

Randy is still shaking his dick, "with nineteen people left, who will be voted out tonight? Activio orgasmo!" Randy casts a spell and cums.

Ravenclaw Tribe

Night 2

A somber piano plays as the four women return to their camp.

High tide was setting in, and the waves were getting too close to the shelter.

Luna looks like she's about to cry.

"Let the ocean sweep me away!" Parvati laughs at her suicidal ideation.

"So you didn't vote for Draco, Hermione?" Cho cuts to the chase.

"There's been one, only one! Tribal Council and we're already throwing each other under the bus and voting each other out over infidels from the other houses?" Cho makes an incredulous face and adjusts her blue vest. "If we're cutthroat, then so be it. As it is written, so it shall be."

Hermione is gripping Crookshanks close to her body. "No, I didn't. Minerva didn't either, so nana boo boo stick your finger in doo-doo."

"The way to win this game is to have people like you, but only like you enough more than one person in the end." Hermione attempts to explain her strategy. "I don't care about the Ravenclaw girls, and there will always be greener pastures with the other tribe that loses. Men's rights©️."

Parvati looks like she's about to say something aggressive, but she's interrupted by a wave coming up and washing away their fire.

Wails come from Luna as she begins having a tantrum.

"This is the worst! We aren't unified! The voices in my head are so mad!" Luna has a schizophrenic breakdown as Nurse Goodly enters the frame with a straight jacket.

More waves wash over the Ravenclaw camp as they continue bickering throughout the night.

Slytherin Tribe

Day 3

Draco and Dobby are lying together on the beach.

"Master Draco, what shall Dobby do for you today?"

'Fetch me some water, you dirty elf."

Getting up with his joints and bones popping and cracking, Dobby says, "Yes sir, yes sir."

Lavender Brown is sitting in the shelter by herself, "this tribe is so lazy, nobody wants to go hunting, fishing, collecting fruits, nothing. No wonder we lost yesterday. We're probably going to lose every time. And the worst part? Will these racists vote me out first or Dobby? I guess he's p.o.c."

Dolores and Snape are walking along the trail to get tree mail for the day.

"Mr. Snape, we should try our hardest at the challenge today, correct? If we lose, again, I might have to start punishing the tribe." Dolores gets off on being an aggressive dom top.

"Certainly," Snape says as his stringy hair and robe flow in the wind majestically.

"With two tribes losing every time, there is a worry that Slytherin will never win." Snape pensive sitting against a tree. "There is much fodder on the tribe; however, I would sacrifice everyone to get myself further."

Dolores greets the tree mail owl, who has a letter for her.

"Block out the screams, and you'll be victorious; sending two other tribes to tribal council will be glorious. Figure out the puzzle in your hands, and you won't have to execute your tribal council plans." She reads.

Snape hums, "indubitably."

Gryffindor Tribe

Day 3

Some shimmery tones play as Hagrid emerges from the water with a big fish in his hands.

"I've been providing the tribe with my fishing. That should endear them to me to keep me around the full twenty days." Hagrid grins, showing his yellow teeth, and then moans in pain, "My pants have been rubbing my crotch wrong, ya hear?"

"Harry!" Hagrid calls him over, "I need new pants," Hagrid points to his denim jorts.

"Hagrid needed a skirt because his crotch was all rashy from the sand" Harry pushes his glasses up his nose. "What I saw next shook me."

"Woah," Harry says as Hagrid has his red legs and a very obvious puffy vagina basking in the wind.

"Help me find a skirt, boy," and Harry gives him an extra buff to cover up.

"I saw Hagrid's bits, and I'm a little jealous. I wish we could switch genitalia." Harry says as he rubs his chin.

"Don't go saying anything about my snatch boy, and if this secret gets out, I'll bash your skull in." Hagrid threatens as he lets his crotch breathe.

"Heard."

Hagrid has tears in his eyes, "I think that brought little Potter and me closer together. I trust him."

Some jovial tones play as it cuts to Ron and George lounging in the shelter.

Close up on George grabbing a fistful of Ron's red hair as George buried his cock into his bum.

"Oi George, slow down, will ya?"

He only grunted and started fucking Ron faster.

"There are no birds to crack on with, so Ron and I do what we do in the summers back home." George laughs at his incest as he wades into the ocean.

Albus was taking his time dragging a log back to camp to put on the fire.

"I caught the Weasley boys in flagrante, and I didn't want to disturb them," Dumbledore says as he hides in the bushes watching George deposit his cum into Ron.

A fairy flies through camp and farts some glitter onto the beach.

Hufflepuff Tribe

Day 3

Winky is making the tribe lunch as she sloshes around with her whisky. The tribe chickens cluck as Winky pulls the eggs out of them.

"Winky love making food, making tribe stomachs go yippee!" She says as she stumbles along the beach. "Winky doesn't want to kill a chicken. Winky can make eggs forever!" She laughs and drunkenly dances about.

Cedric and Neville grab their bucket full of clams.

"Cedric, I was thinking," Neville pauses to take a breath, "since we're the only guys, we should stick together.

Cedric grunts.

"It's been hard containing my bloodlust," showing off his fangs as he talks. "That fat kid Neville has so much blood pumping through him. I can't reveal… they'll all target me. Vampires are misunderstood."

Mixing her coffee beans and tea leaves, Trelawney gasps super hard but says nothing. Ginny makes a weird face but eats her rice with Winky.

"I saw the most troubling thing in my cup this morning," Trelawney bugs her eyes out. "It was my torch… she was empty!"

Ginny and Winky are off collecting water to boil.

"You know Ginny. Winky likes you. Ginny is very quiet."

Ginny laughs as they arrive at the watering hole.

A scorpion skedaddles through the Hufflepuff camp.

Immunity Challenge

Day 3

The four tribes make their way into the herbology classroom.

"Come on in, guys!" Randy yells, "get a look at the new Ravenclaw tribe. Professor McGonagall voted out at the last tribal council." Dumbledore makes a pained face.

"For today's challenge, you guys will need these," Randy pulls out a bunch of earmuffs. "You'll be dealing with Mandrakes today."

Trelawney makes a cooing noise.

"Two people from each tribe will be looking for three bags of puzzle pieces in these Mandrake pots. The other two people in your tribe will be putting the puzzle together. The first two tribes to complete their puzzle wins immunity. Both tribes will win a reward as well," Randy gestures to a covered table, "want to know what you're playing for?" He rips the cover off to reveal some domino's pizza and their brookie abomination. "Pizza and brownies, sounds good? Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, you all need to sit out one person, and they can't sit out in back-to-back challenges."

"Dobby, you're sitting out." Draco states and Dobby drops his head in submission.

"Winky, sit out." Winky states and Ginny shrugs.

The Gryffindor boys all huddle around and whisper. They break away and say, "we're picking Ron."

Some transition music plays as everyone covers their ears.

"Dealing with the screaming baby plant abortions, Hagrid and George for red, Luna and Parvati for blue, Trelawney and Cedric for yellow, and finally Lavender and Draco for green."

Cho smiles deviously from the puzzle station, "on the puzzles, Harry and Albus for red, Cho and Hermione for blue, Neville and Ginny for yellow, Severus and Dolores for green." Randy pulls out his gun.

"Survivors ready? GO!"

Draco immediately throws some pots on the ground, and the babies get all shaken up.

Double fisting two plants, Luna finds a bag of puzzle pieces.

On the sit-out bench, Dobby and Winky start fingering each other. Ron sits next to them, looking uncomfortable.

The screaming plants are loud as fuck; Trelawney begins singing, "hush baby, don't say a word. Mommy's going to buy you a mockingbird." A Mandrake smiles and hands her a yellow bag.

Cedric is hustling and grabs the two other bags and drops them off to Neville and Ginny.

"Hufflepuff is already on the puzzle!" Randy narrates. "Pick it up! Never give up in the game of Survivor!"

"I'm a little woozy," Neville says and hits the floor, passing the fuck out.

Ginny looks mortified with all the pieces scattered on her board.

Hagrid is just flipping tables and causing a huge uproar.

"Where are those damn bags?" Hagrid roars as Parvati drops off the last bag for Ravenclaw.

Cho and Hermione do quick work. "It's the Hogwarts crest!" Hermione grins as Cho continues to place things down correctly.

Lavender Brown looks devastated as she drops off another bag for Slytherin.

"Randy! I think we have it!" Cho says, Randy jogs over and just like that.

"RAVENCLAW WINS IMMUNITY! One spot left."

Ginny shakes in anxiety, not making any progress as Nurse Goodly is checking Neville's vitals.

"Slytherin and Gryffindor caught up! Everyone's on the puzzle."

Dumbledore struggles to pick up a corner piece of the puzzle, Harry bitches next to him.

"Put it there!" Demands Snape as he patriarchally forces Dolores to pick up the pace.

Dolores figures out the puzzle and taps her fingers.

"Randy, we have it!" Snape says in his snobby voice.

He runs over, and Randy inspects their puzzle. "They are wrong! The challenge will continue!"

Still looking confused, Ginny is just standing there.

Harry's scar starts to burn, "ahh, my scar!" He slows down.

Snape quickly fixes Dolores' mistake, "Randy, check again."

Randy looks over, "SLYTHERIN WINS IMMUNITY!"

"Alright, Ravenclaw and Slytherin, come and get these boots." Cho and Lavender clittle and run over to Randy.

"Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, I'll be seeing you guys at tribal council, and someone will be the second person voted out of this game. See ya!"

"I can't believe we lost," Ron says as he walks out of the classroom, "I don't know who to vote for. There's going to be a ton of scrambling!"

Those Mandrakes are still yelling as the scene transitions.

Ravenclaw + Slytherin

Reward Trip - Day 3

"Domino's is like my favorite sit-down restaurant," cheesing with her brookies, Parvati sticks her tongue out.

As the nine of them gorge on their pizza, Snape cuts the tension, "I would like to propose an alliance between our two houses." Snape says, looking directly at Cho.

"That sounds wonderful, professor Snape!" Fakely, Hermione rests a hand on her face.

"Do I trust those slimy snakes? Hell no." Hermione shakes her head, and her ginger locks flop around, "if I had it my way, Snape would be next to go."

A close-up of Lavender looking disinterested.

"Like sure, having a core nine is advantageous, but what do you do when you feel like you're number nine overall?" Tears rolled down her face, "I just don't know what to do. I'm safe tonight, but what about tomorrow and the next day? It feels like no matter what I'm doing, I'm next out the door." Lavender sniffles having a sad girl party.

"Who do we think is going home? Surely a strong man like Hagrid or the Diggory boy?" Dolores postulates.

"It seems the faculty is being targeted," Snape says.

"I'm not sure. Anything can happen." Cho picks up a brownie with her chopsticks.

"I felt the need to obliterate everyone at the puzzle, but I feel like that might put a target on my back." Blinking, Cho anxiously bites her fingernails as she sits in the ocean. "Whatever, my girls are not strong. We need to win whenever we can because we're down a member, and if we go against a five-person tribe at tribal council, it's easy pickings."

"Draco, I don't believe you were honest with me yesterday," Luna says as she eats her pizza.

"I don't know what you're speaking of, didn't you vote for me? Fuck off, trollop." Taking a decadent bite of za, Draco avoided the situation.

"Draco is honestly so rude. He'll never find a girl to settle down with if that's how he talks to girls." Luna makes a poop face and plops on her diva glasses.

Crookshanks meows hella loud for some pizza yet is shooed away.

Hufflepuff + Gryffindor

Day 3

The ten castaways get dumped onto Hufflepuff Beach, the Weasley children split off and drag Winky and Neville into the woods.

"Okay, what's the move?" Ginny says as she crosses her arms.

"Are you okay with voting out Sybill?" Yawning as he says this, Ron rubs his eyes.

"Why don't we vote for Hagrid?" Meekly suggesting Neville pleads with his eyes.

"Not happening, bub," George explains, "you don't want to get rid of the old bitch? Like I'll vote for Dumbledore."

Winky nods.

"Winky thinks that these people don't know Winky's age, Winky middle-aged." She smiles.

Over on the other side of the beach, Harry, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Trelawney, and Cedric all stood around.

"So those five broke off," Dumbledore leads the conversation.

"Look, everybody. There are three Weasley's on this beach. We must stop them." Hagrid cuts to the chase.

"Am I worried for tonight? You don't even know the half of it. I'm the biggest man on this beach! They would be stupid not to write down my name." Hagrid lounges sexily on the beach, his long hair blowing in the wind.

"I thought the Gryffindor tribe would all vote for me." Cedric shrugs as he ties his shoes as he sits in the shelter.

"We should target Ginny. I don't care about her." Cedric says.

"Yes, I agree. My tarot card reading for her was not good. The spirit guides do not like that girl." Trelawney explains.

Harry shuffles in place.

"This is a tough situation, as the main character, like the main main character, I feel as if my vote will decide it all tonight." Harry sighs near the well.

After the two initial alliance meetings, Ron secluded Harry in the boy's bathroom.

"Harry, are you voting for Trelawney?" Ron pushes Harry into a stall and places a kiss on his neck.

"Sure," Harry unzips his pants. Ron gets handsy with Harry's scarred circumcised cock.

"I'm quite surprised but definitely not shocked that the Hufflepuff tribe folded on each other so easily," Dumbledore says as he sits in his office, "I wanted to cover my bases."

"Neville Longbottom,"

"Yes, Professor Dumbledore? Why have you called me into your office? Am I in trouble?" He quivered.

Dumbledore coughs, "do they call you Longbottom because of that fat ass you have?"

"Uh, err," Neville says, and Dumbledore lays him on his desk.

"You will vote for Ginny tonight." He slaps his ass.

"Ahh, Yes! Professor!" He winces through the pain.

"I don't know who to listen to, and my ass is so sore." Neville is showing off the red handprint left by Dumbledore. Suddenly a face appears on his butt, replacing the crack. "It's me, Voldemort. You listen to me now faggot." Neville gasps at the man currently on his ass.

Trelawney approaches George, "Mr. Weasley, may I have a word? I would like to purchase the good shit," She slips George some magic beans.

He takes the weed out of his back pocket, "Pleasure doing business with you." He smiles.

"I feel bad that I'm voting out one of my customers, but I don't know if there's any time left to flip the vote. That Cedric dude is pretty weird and strong. A dangerous combination." George spits into the sand.

Everyone is given their torch and told to head to the great hall.

"Tribal council is a litmus test." Ginny states didactically, "You never know who to trust until the votes are revealed."

As they walk, Harry rubs his temples as he carries his torch.

"This is the process of elimination. I'm just nauseous about who's going home." Harry sighs in his voiceover.

"Everything should go exactly as I planned tonight. We need to stop the Weasley's before they run the game." Dumbledore says as everyone leaves the Room of Requirement.

Tribal Council

Night 3

The ten hoes walk back into the Great Hall. "Grab a torch and dip it, everyone; once your fire is out, so are you." Ron grins as Randy narrates.

"Alright, so before I get to question all of you. I will reveal that it's…" Randy dramatically pauses, "two people going home tonight. You will be voting within your house." A gong is hit in the distance. Ron and George share a pained look. Hagrid gasps. Breaking out into a huge grin, Cedric laughs.

"Feeling safer now, Cedric?"

He adjusts his posture, "definitely Randy, and I think I'm the strongest person on Hufflepuff."

Ginny and Neville both nod their heads.

"I imagine everyone's plans have shifted now," Randy smirks.

Ron and Albus, sitting next to Harry, each attack one of his ears, desperately whispering to him.

"My plan hasn't changed." Ginny states. A frantic violin begins to play.

"Since we don't have Gryffindor targeting us anymore, why don't we just agree to vote out the weakest?" Neville suggests.

George stands up to speak to Harry, "Harry, what are you doing?"

"Well, I think we should discuss what happened at the puzzle today." Trelawney sputters as she gestures to Neville and Ginny fucking up the challenge.

Randy gapes at the two tribes. "I'm very interested, Hufflepuff; you have an open discussion, and yet," Randy points to Harry, who's having an anxiety attack as four people tell him how to vote. "It seems a swing vote is apparent in Gryffindor, Harry. You good?"

"No! We were supposed to vote out a Hufflepuff." Harry begins to cry.

Winky rolls her eyes and gains Randy's attention.

"Winky, your tribe is discussing strength as a virtue. You're an elf. Do you think that paints a target on you?"

Winky shakes her head, "Winky is strong. Winky feeds the tribe."

Neville frowns.

"And getting to the challenge, Neville, you passed out!"

"...I did. And I apologize. It won't happen again."

Randy turns to Ginny, "You just stood there and blew the lead. You said you already had a plan. You were planning on betraying your tribe?"

"That's correct, Randy, and this game is individual. I think people on my tribe were also going to vote for me." She makes a poop face.

Gryffindor has calmed down from badgering Harry and returned to their seats.

"So, Dumbledore, I take it that there was some scrambling. Is Gryffindor divided?"

"I believe so, Randy. It seems the target has shifted onto me." Dumbledore takes off his glasses and blinks.

"I think I'm going home," Ron states, clearly feeling the heat of the game.

"Okay, so there will be two goblets of fire. Gryffindor will drop your vote into the goblet with the red flame, and Hufflepuff will drop your vote into the one with the yellow flame, got it? Ginny, you're up first."

Ginny makes her way into the room with the goblets, "I'm sticking to the plan." She says succinctly.

Trelawney saunters up to vote, "perhaps you should have stayed awake." She holds up a vote for [Neville].

Cedric sexily shows his fangs to the camera as he votes.

Needing a stepstool to vote, Winky struggles to open the pen, and her strokes on the parchment are wild.

Neville stands at the voting podium. "I don't know what to do." His Voldemort ass farts, "vote for the elf dumb bitch." Neville nods and writes [Winky]

Neville returns to his seat, and Randy says, "Okay, Hagrid, you're up."

Hagrid stomps up and votes.

Dancing his way to the voting hall, George says, "I didn't think I'd be doing this so soon, but see ya later, alligator." [Dumbledore]

Humming as he diligently writes a name in cursive, Dumbledore blesses himself.

Ron mutters something as he dumps his vote into the goblet.

The music crescendos as Harry hangs his head. "I hope you will forgive me." His vote is obscured.

Harry, with tears in his eyes, sits back down. Randy booms, "I'll go tally the votes."

Randy returns with a goblet in each hand.

"If anybody has a hidden immunity idol and wants to play it, now would be the time to do so," Winky sneezes, but everyone else just glances around and shrugs.

"I'll read Gryffindor's votes first." Digging his hand into the fire.

"Feeling toasty, the first vote," Randy opens the vote.

[Dumbledore]

He scowls and taps his foot.

"Next vote,"

[Dumbledore]

Grunting, Hagrid gives a nasty look to Ron.

"Two votes, Albus, three votes left…." Trelawney puts a hand up to her mouth.

Quickly revealing [George].

George's eyes bulged.

Another vote is in Randy's hands, and he turns it over.

[George]

Bawling his fists, Harry prepares for the consequences.

"We're tied between Albus and George," Randy dips a hand into the goblet; he peers at the vote. "The second person voted out of Survivor: Room of Requirement is…."

Extreme close-up of Ron swallowing some spit, Hagrid's mouth is in a firm straight line.

[George]

"Wow, gutted." George plants a kiss on Ron's mouth before he grabs his torch. The camera lingers on Harry, who has his head in his crotch.

"Well, George, your tribe has spoken," Randy does a magic trick to snuff his torch. "Time for you to go."

George dips out of the grand hall.

"I can't believe they would vote me out over Ron. I'm taking this as a compliment because I would have ran this game." George says as he boards the train back into London.

"Okay, now it's time for Hufflepuff." Ginny swivels on her stool.

"First vote." Announcing dramatically, Randy wiggles his mustache.

[Neville]

He reveals the next vote.

[Winky]

Winky gasps, "Why, Winky? What did Winky do?"

Ginny places a supportive hand on Winky's bony shoulder.

Her face sours as Randy flips over the next vote.

[Ginny]

"One vote for Ginny, Neville, and Winky. Two votes left."

He smirks at the next vote.

[Prof. Trelawney]

Hagrid hysterically laughs. Ron is still crying that his incest brother got booted.

"And the third person voted out of Survivor: Room of Requirement is…."

Ginny and Winky hold hands.

Bouncing her big poofy hair around, Trelawney looks at her tribemates with suspicion.

Looking constipated as he uncomfortably sits with Voldemort on his ass, Neville makes a sexual groan.

Cedric smiles, looking spun.

[TREELAWNEE]

She gasps. "Just as I prophesied. Well, good luck, Hufflepuff house… you'll need it." Quick to grab her torch. Dumbledore frowns.

"Miss Trelawney, the tribe has spoken, au revoir."

She bows at everyone and then walks out of the Great Hall.

Randy turns to the eight people, "You both had the opportunity to cut some dead weight. Did you make the right decision? We'll find out in due time, head back to camp. Good night."

Ginny smiles as everyone grabs their torches and leaves for the room of requirement.

Sitting at the train station Trelawney swaddled herself in her cape, "it was just not meant to be. I was foolish to attempt this game. Goodbye!" She waves her bony and veiny hand at the camera.

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR

Feeling burned by the blindside, Ron is pissed. He returns to camp and spits in disgust and mutters, "they're so disgusting."

"Our machete is missing…" Neville is shown trying to chop off his ass.

"For today's challenge, you'll have to face your greatest fear," the castaways are scared!

Votes

George- Albus/Hagrid/Harry

Albus- George/Ron

Sybill- Ginny/Winky

Ginny- Cedric

Neville- Sybill

Winky- Neville