Chapter 29: Lexa

As I stare out the chopper's window, I start to think about everything that has happened in the past year. First, I went from being a slave in an army fighting for a cause that I didn't believe in, then I found the most amazing woman I fell in love with. Next, I managed to take down a primary Taliban cell and become a United States citizen only to lose, at least temporarily, the woman I love. Then somehow, I managed to make myself a millionaire and find the two people I thought I would never see again, Reed and Jose. Now I'm flying on my personal chopper after signing a UFC contract, how things have changed. Then there is Clarke, who confuses the hell out of me, yet I find myself extremely attracted to her.

I hear Ash ask what I'm thinking, so I tell her. Somehow the subject gets changed to my body and how it looks like it was sculpted from granite or something, making me extremely uncomfortable. I threaten the next one who mentions my body won't get a ticket to the fight. Of course, everyone laughs, but when I glance a Clarke, her cheeks are still pink.

By the time we land, it is around ten pm. I suggest everyone stay the night. Of course, O is already staying, but I offer Clarke and Ash one of the suites. Ash says that she has to get Asher home, but she would have Asher and Callie here early Friday morning to head to LA. She also said that she would get in touch with Dana and double-check the hotel arrangements. I thank her and call the night guard to give her and Asher a lift to the parking lot.

After Ash leaves, O decides she wants to call the group and go out to the Dragon's Den to tell them about our day. I'm tired and tell her that I'm just going to chill here tonight, but they should go and have fun. I hand her all but five tickets to the fight, telling her she can decide who to give them to and tell whomever we will be leaving Friday morning at nine if they plan to ride with us.

I turn to head down to my room when I feel electricity course through my wrist, which could only mean that Clarke is touching me. I turn to find Clarke standing there staring at me. I'm not sure what to say or do. A moment passes, I finally say, "Are you okay? Do you need something?"

She looks at the ground before speaking, "Would you mind if I stay for a bit? I don't want to be alone, and I'm not ready to face everyone right now. Plus, I had to cut my phone off earlier because Finn kept calling and texting. So I'm sure if I go home, he will end up on my doorstep before the night is over, and I don't want to see or talk to him."

"Griffin, you can stay as long as you like. Are you hungry? I can get Petrona to make us dinner or a snack."

"I could go for a snack and some drinks."

"Sure, how about some chips, queso, and salsa with a pitcher of margaritas?"

"That actually sounds really good."

"Cool, let's go downstairs by my firepit, and I will call Petrona."

I call Petrona to ask her if she would make us a snack and bring it down by the fire pit before heading downstairs. She follows me down to my room, where I throw all my new gear in the closet and show her where she can put hers. I grab a t-shirt and pair of sweats for Petrona before walking out to the firepit. We sit for a few minutes in silence. I can tell something is on her mind. Finally, I break first and say, "Clarke, you know you can talk to me, right? I would never do anything to hurt you or betray your trust."

Suddenly she starts to cry. Great, all of this is new to me, and I have no idea what to do. But for some reason, I get up and sit next to her wrapping my arms around her. Her body tenses up when I touch her, so I say, "Relax, it's okay, Clarke, let it out. I've got you, and I won't let anyone hurt you."

She relaxes into me and says, "I think that is the first time you have actually called me Clarke. Why are you so nice to me when I've been so mean to you ever since we met?"

"You weren't really mean. You just acted like you hated me. I thought if I continued to call you Griffin, it would keep you at a distance."

She laughs sarcastically at this, pulling away while wiping her eyes, "Isn't that the same thing?"

"I don't know. Up until about two weeks ago, I never had to worry about whether someone liked me or not. Well, except for Ash, but that was more a trust issue than anything. You have to understand I'm used to being told what to do. I'm not used to being allowed to make my own choices, and now that I can, I want to make the right choices. Not the ones everyone expects. I want to be my own person, now that I can. I let your attitude slide because I trust your mom, but also because I find you intriguing and would like to get to know you better."

Before she can say anything, I hear a knock, and Petrona appears with our food and drinks. Petrona looks at me, then Clarke, "Lexa, let me know if you need anything else or if you need me to bring you and your guest breakfast in bed in the morning." Then she turns to leave.

I can't believe she just said that! I feel my face start to burn with embarrassment, and when I glance at Clarke, she is looking at the ground with red cheeks. "Hold on a minute, Petrona. I want to introduce you to my friend Clarke. Plus, I got you something." I hand her the shirt and pants. She looks at them then grabs me in a bear hug thanking me over and over. I just laugh and tell her to enjoy them. Finally, she smiles and says, "I will definitely bring you two breakfast in bed in the morning. Thank you so much, Lexa."

I turn red, starting to stutter, "Um…that that isn't necessary. Clarke and I are just friends. I'm well…if she-she stays, she will probably prefer to stay in one of the suites."

Petrona smiles, saying as she walks away, "Sure, sure, just a friend. Like Ms. Ashley is just a friend."

"Petrona, I'm going to take back my present if you keep talking like that. I look at Clarke, "I'm really sorry about that." I pour us both a margarita while we sit and enjoy the snack and drink in silence. After the chips are gone, and we are on our second drink, Clarke looks at me and says, "The reason I acted like I hated you was because when mom would call from Afghanistan, all she talked about was you and how strong you were to be able to go through everything you went through and still have hope, not hate. I felt like she would rather you be her daughter than me. She was always so worried about you. But then I met you and saw how attractive you were…I don't know. It made it even worse. On top of that, everyone you meet wants to hear your story. Plus, every girl you meet flirts nonstop, wanting to be your next conquest. To make it worse, once Ash walked away from you at the club,…well, you started taking girls up on their offers like that would help you with whatever is going on between Ash and you. I guess…I guess…I was jealous because I wanted you too, but I was with Finn, and I know you are still in love with Ash. I saw the way you looked at Ash, and I wished that you could look at me the same way. Then Allie kissed you at the fight, and it was all I could do not to punch her in the face because I thought we were finally getting past everything after what happened in the locker room."

I begin to try to process everything. Wow, I don't know what to say about all of this. I really thought Clarke hated me until she gave me the massage at the fights, and even then, I thought she was only trying to help. I must have had a look on my face or something because she suddenly got up and started to walk away. I stood quickly, moving in front of her to look her in those beautiful emerald green eyes. "Hey, where are you going? I thought we were…."

"Look, Lexa, I'm sorry I said all of that. I shouldn't have. I guess I'm just tired, and the drinks got to me…I know you don't like me that way."

"Hold on, can we sit back down and talk, please?" She nods, sitting back down. I sit next to her taking her hand. "Clarke, I have a lot that I want to say to you right now, but first, I want you to know that Abby is extremely proud of you and talks about you all the time. So much, in fact, that I felt like I already knew a good bit about you when I met you. While Ash was in the coma for those four months, Abby and Blake would sit with me when they could, telling me all about you and Octavia and how great things would be once I made it over here. I knew from hearing Abby talk about you that you were someone I would like to know. What I didn't realize was how strikingly beautiful you are. When I met you that first night at the club, I wanted…I knew I had to be careful around you. Especially since you were with Finn. He obviously hated my guts. After you gave me the cold shoulder, it hurt more than I wanted to admit to myself, much less anyone else. I had to keep my distance because I knew that he was bad news, but I'm not the type of person to break up anyone's relationship. When I told Becca and Sammy that Allie shot me down but, I liked a challenge. They said the craziest thing. They told me I should go after you instead. I couldn't, though, because it wouldn't be right, that's just not me…." I down the rest of my drink, pouring another one for her and me. She immediately downs it. "Would you like something stronger?"

"Maybe, actually, yeah. I didn't realize we were going to get into all of this."

I grab a bottle of Patron along with two shot glasses from my mini-fridge. I pour us a shot and say, "We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to. It's completely up to you, but I promise to be honest with you about anything you want to know. Plus, I think these are some things that we need to get out into the open. Don't you?"

"I appreciate that. I do think I need to get this stuff off my chest. I think one reason Finn hates you is that he could tell that I liked you. I tried to hide it, but I guess he knows me too well. Finn and I grew up together, and I think that everyone just assumed we would be together, so we were. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I don't think I was ever really IN love with him. He is more like my best friend, and we argue a good bit. I knew he wanted to get into politics, and he said that we were the perfect couple that would help him get elected. At first, it was great. Like I said, we had known each other since we were babies, and we were best friends, so it just seemed like the next step was to date, you know. He was kind and caring, and we knew everything about one another, but when I wanted to wait to have sex…he changed. At first, I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to have sex with him, but then I realized it was because I wasn't attracted to him in that way. Eventually, he wore me down, but…I didn't enjoy it, and I think he could tell. I don't think he cared, though, because the more excuses I came up with not to, the more he wanted to. I really believe that is why he started cheating because he wanted it, and I didn't. I guess it's probably my fault he started cheating, but he became controlling...sorry, I know this is not something you want to know about, but…well, I just need someone to talk to about everything, and you are surprisingly easy to talk to."

"No, it's fine. I'm glad you feel that way. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me. But, Clarke, he never forced you, did he?" I pour two more shots.

"No, not really. I mean, I didn't really want to, but I didn't stop him or tell him no. I was his girlfriend after all, and that's what we do, right? Isn't that what women have been doing for like forever, making their men happy. So I just became really good at blocking it out when it was happening and faking orgasms so that it would be over. I know it sounds bad, but I would just think about anything else, you know?"

"Actually, I do understand that. Probably more than most people would. I have used that same technique to get me through some tough times. I think that is one reason why I have such a hard time with social cues and things. I have shut off my emotions for so long, I have forgotten how to interact with people, although I think I am getting better since I've been around all of you. It wasn't until I met Ash that I realized I needed to change. I saw myself reflected in her actions, the way she was so closed off and untrusting, even in the way that she didn't care where she lived or died. I knew how she felt because I felt the exact same way. I don't know maybe that, on top of, what we went through together is the only reason we got together in the first place. Now look, I'm the rambling one…." I down another shot, then pour two more. By now, I have enough alcohol in my system that I will let down the majority of my walls. I want to tell Clarke whatever she wants to know, and right now, I will pretty much say or do just about anything, but that's okay. I need Clarke to get to know the real me. The person behind all the scars and walls.

"What do you mean you have done the same thing? Did you not enjoy being with Ash?"

"What? Yes, I enjoy being with Ash. She feels like home to me, but the more I think about it, the more I'm not sure about us. O made a good point the other day about me still being young. Maybe I should see what or who else is out there." I pour another shot for myself, but Clarke waves me off, saying she has had enough for the moment. "As far as cutting off my feelings, let's just say that I have had plenty of practice do that."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I was fairly sure after my reaction during the physical today that you would know what I mean. After all, you did talk to the doc while I was getting dressed. I'm sure she told you…."

Clarke interrupts me, "Lexa, no! I told her I didn't want to know. If you wanted me to know, then you would tell me in your own time. I would never…never go behind your back about anything."

"Oh…well, if you really want to know, I'll tell you. I just don't want it to change the way you look at me. I don't want anyone, especially you, to feel sorry for me or pity me. That's why I haven't told anyone but Ash, not even your mom. I had no control over anything until I came to America. All I could do is try and survive so that one day things would hopefully be better. So, I did the only thing I knew to do, I shut down emotionally. That way, I couldn't be hurt or have my spirit broken while Omar tortured me. Everything I went through back then helped form the person I am and want to be now. Does that answer your question?"

"Sort of. Lexa, I want you to know that I could never see you as broken or pity you. Just from what my mom has told me, I know you have been through a lot. So I can understand that you don't want to talk about it or want people to know everything, but just know that you can tell me anything. I will never judge you."

"Thanks, I just worry that if people know everything I went through, they will think I am a monster or crazy or something because I can still function somewhat normally. I think that is why I have been sleeping around lately. It feels good to be wanted and not have to worry about the person finding out about everything. You know? Because once people find out...well, I never know how they are going to react. I had to see a doctor/therapist back in Afghanistan to evaluate my mental state, and even he said it was amazing that I didn't hate everyone. I told him the only reason I survived was that I had hope. Hope that one day I would be free. Once hate takes over completely, you have already lost. So I was determined not to let them win. To me, hate became a monster that would come up from the darkness of all the bad things that had happened to me, and once the monster is out of the darkness, it takes a lot of effort and control to push it back down. The way I looked at it, I could use hate/the monster when I need it or let it consume me. I chose to use it. During all those days in solitary when I was being beaten and tortured, I shut down. I didn't listen to what they wanted me to believe. I only trusted myself. When Omar found out that I was a woman, he and his guys started visiting me for their special 'punishment sessions.'"

"Um…is that code for what I think it is?"

"Uh, yeah, but I prefer 'punishment sessions.' Anyway, I realized that the one emotion that could truly break me was hate. If I let the monster out of the darkness completely take over, I would never be able to get it back under control so that I could come back from it, but if I learned to control it, the monster could help me later. Hate for Omar and what he was doing to me and for the people that allowed him to do it. It took me longer than it should have to realize that I could end the torture if I just played along. I tend to be very stubborn, and that clouded my judgment. Instead of giving up, I shut down and planned. I used the hope to keep me going and hate to get my revenge when the opportunity arose. Now that I have had my revenge on those who hurt me, I want to spend the rest of my life helping others when I can. I have learned many lessons from my past, but my future will be made by my choices. When I tell the story of my past like I did the group that night, I want to be honest, but some things are kept just for me and those closest to me. I don't want anyone's pity or sorrow for what Omar did. I don't want to be seen as broken because I'm not. I am stronger because of it! I want people to see me the way I see myself as a survivor. I will not be defined by my past, but what I do with the knowledge that came from it, that is what will help define who I become."

Clarke says, "Wow, you really are an amazing woman! Um…but what do you mean when he found out you were a woman?"

"Oh, not many people know this either, but I spent almost four years of my life as Alexander Shamir Jones or Zander so that I could go to school and learn to fight. Over there, females are considered property. So they aren't allowed to go to school like the boys. Instead, they are forced to work and marry. So, Blake helped me disguise myself as a boy when I was around fourteen when I was transferred from one orphanage to another so that I could go to school and hopefully be able to go on to college and get out of there. But, unfortunately, the school I was attending was bombed, and that is how I ended up with Ahmed's group."

"Lexa, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me everything. I promise to keep your secrets. I am sorry that you had to go through it, but anyone who takes the time to know you will realize what a wonderful and strong person you are. Anyone would be stupid to ever consider you broken. Knowing this does explain the reason you and Ash became so close. I also think that Octavia might be on to something when she says that you need to experience more, but I'm not suggesting that you take her approach. I don't think she has ever had a real relationship, but you will have lots of opportunities if you want them."

"What do you mean?"

"Seriously! Well…I-I mean you have already left a few times with different girls, so… You do realize that you can get any girl, or guy for that matter, if you want to take O's road having as many one-night stands as you want, right?"

"Um…what…no. Why would you say that?"

"Um…because you are beautiful, sexy as hell, and the most honest person I have ever met. Anyone would be stupid not to want you for whatever you are willing to give them, whether it is a one-night stand or relationship. You are an amazing person."

"I know that people who don't know me see a cocky, flirty, and tough. But once people get to know the real me with all my baggage, I'm afraid that they won't stick around for anything long term. I don't know if I am made for continuous one-nighters like O. The only person that knows the real me is Ash, and she was just as broken as I was until she found out the truth about Callie. Now, well, she's getting her life back. Her plan was always Callie and kids…which is fine, I guess. I just want her to be happy. But, next to her, you are the only one that knows what Omar did. You now know more about me than anyone other than Ash. Even O doesn't know some of the things I have told you tonight."

"See, that right there is what makes you different than everyone else. Most people wouldn't want someone they loved to be happy unless it was with them. You are selfless and just want Ash to be happy no matter how it affects you. That is just another reason she is stupid for letting you go. You are not broken; you are a survivor and an amazing person!"

I sit there for a few minutes, trying to comprehend everything she just said. Then I blurt out, "You know why I made you leave the locker room at the fights? It wasn't because it was time for me to get ready. It was because, at that moment, I wanted to take you in my arms and kiss you more than anything in the world. You were nice for a change, and that massage was…well, it was amazing…But I couldn't kiss you though because you were with Finn, so I made you leave. Then Allie showed up and kissed me, which confused me. Then later that night at the party, when I sang to you…you said, 'I'm not like you.' Honestly, that one statement hurt more than any injury I have ever had. So now, well, here we are."

"Do you still want to kiss me?"

"Um…y-yes, more than anything. But… I'm not sure you're ready. You deserve more…you deserve better than Finn, and as much as I want to kiss you right now, I want you to be sure. I mean, you just broke up with Finn last night and….then there is that comment…." My gaze goes to her lips, and I completely forget what I am trying to say. She looks beautiful with the moonlight reflecting off of her golden hair, and her cheeks are flushed from the alcohol…

She says, "And, what?"

"I don't...I don't know…I forgot what I was saying because I was distracted by how beautiful you are and how much I want to kiss you. But…but I-I want to get to know you, really know you. I don't want just one night with you. I want more...There is something about you that makes me want more than one-nighters. I want…" Before I can finish, she looks at my lips and then leans in and softly brushes her lips to mine. I lose all brain activity due to the fireworks and stars that I begin to see. It's like the air itself is charged with electricity. I run my hands through her hair, grabbing the back of her neck, pulling her closer to me. I run my tongue tentatively across her lips, wanting more, wanting all of her. Finally, she opens up, and her tongue slides effortlessly into my mouth, immediately we find our rhythm. I'm amazed at how right this feels. There isn't a fight for control or dominance. It's just like, a nice slow dance. Our bodies just seem to know how to respond to one another. Unfortunately, I have to break the kiss before I do something to make her uncomfortable. I pull back and look at her. I can't help but stare at her, thinking, what the hell just happened? I guess she thought something was wrong because she starts to get up again. This time I am faster. I grab her wrist before she can get up.

"Oh no, you don't! You're not going to run from me. That's usually what I do. Talk to me, tell me what's wrong? Did I do something wrong?"

She smiles, "No, that was…I don't know what that was. Scary? I just thought that you…you were just staring…."

"I was staring because, like you, I was amazed but in a good way. Of course, I understand if you never want it to happen again or if it was too soon, but…."

"No…I don't know…I guess I'm just scared."

"Of me?"

"No, not at all. I'm scared of getting hurt again. Even though I wasn't in love with Finn, it still hurts that he would go behind my back with other people you know. Plus, it makes me wonder how many of our friends knew but didn't say anything. I feel like a fool and probably look like one too, to all our friends."

"Clarke, I would never do that. Surely you know that. I would never cheat on anyone I'm in a relationship with. I could never do that to anyone, especially you. It is painful and disrespectful. Yes, I have slept around a lot here lately, but when I'm with someone, I'm with them. As far as your friends, if they did know and didn't tell you, I don't think they are really your friends because friends should have said something."

"I do know that you wouldn't cheat on me, but I'm scared that you will choose Ash over me. And what about Allie, aren't you dating? I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry!" She starts to cry.

I am so confused! Before that kiss, I would have definitely always chosen Ash over anyone. Now, I'm not so sure. That kiss was amazing. I mean, the first time Ash and I kissed, it was quick but impressive but not full-on fireworks. I get up, pulling her into my arms to hold her. "Ya Amar, please don't cry. I admit, before you kissed me, I would have always chosen Ash…but now…I don't know. All I know for sure is that I want to get to know you better. I want to kiss you again." She looks up at me with tears running down her cheeks. I use my thumbs to wipe them away and whisper, "Ya Amar, please stop crying. I don't like to see you upset."

She sniffles and asks, "Why are you calling me Ya Amar, and what do you mean you don't know?"

"Ya Amar means my moon in Arabic, and like the moon is always present in the sky, you have been present in my mind since I first met you, and just like the moon controls the tides, you have come to control my moods. When you are upset, so am I. I don't know how to explain what I felt when we kissed other than to say it was like my body ignited and I saw fireworks exploding. It was like my body already knew you, that it has been waiting on you to find me. It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced, and I want more, but only if you feel the same way. I can't promise that I will never hurt you, but I promise to never intentionally hurt you, and I will never force or guilt you into anything you don't want."

I sit back down and pull her into my lap and wait for her to say something, anything. It seems like hours pass, but I'm sure it was only seconds before she said, "I don't know what to say…How do I know that you won't choose Ash if given a choice? I'm scared that it is too soon… I'm scared of…."

"I understand, but I want you to know that I will go at your speed. I just want the chance to try to be the person you want and need. Like I said, I can't explain what I felt other than to say that it was unlike anything before it. It was better than anything, even my first kiss with Ash, and I just want the chance to see what we can have. Trust me, I'm scared too. I thought I knew what I wanted, but that changed the moment you kissed me. You changed things for me, okay? I want you to know that you have changed my whole outlook on the future I thought I wanted. You mean more…I felt more in that kiss than I have or do when I kiss anyone, even Ash. I just need you to know that. I just need you to know what I feel. But it's late, and we've had a long day. Why don't we go to bed and talk in the morning over breakfast? You can have my bed, and I will take the couch."

"I think that sounds good, but I don't want to take your bed. I can sleep on the couch or…."

"I insist you take my bed or at least let me take you to one of the guest rooms if you are uncomfortable sleeping in the same room."

"No, I don't want to be alone."

"It's settled then. You take the bed. Follow me. I will get you something to sleep in and a new toothbrush. Do you need anything else?"

"No, I'm good."

I show her the bathroom and give her a toothbrush. Then I grab one of my t-shirts and a pair of pajama pants before knocking on the door handing them to her. While she changes, I get out an extra pillow and blanket for the couch. When she comes out, I can see how exhausted she is, and I feel bad for keeping her up. "You look extremely tired. Please try and get some rest. Sleep as long as you can, and then we can have brunch instead, whatever you need. I do have one more question, though. What did you mean that you aren't like me?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure. I think I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't attracted to you because you are a woman. But then there is the fact that you are so strong and fearless, and I'm not. So, I don't know exactly what I meant but, I'm sorry if I hurt you."

Clarke

I don't know what the hell is going on with me. I decide to stay and hang out with Lexa tonight instead of going out. I just can't face the guys yet, and I don't want to deal with Finn, so I can't go home. Plus, I just really want to get to know her better. So we sit down and eat a nice snack and have a drink, but then I start to cry out of nowhere. Lexa immediately wraps me in a hug and tells me to relax, which makes me cry harder because she is so nice, and I have been a real ass to her ever since that first night.

She's been through so much, yet here she is, making me feel better by saying all the right things. I start to ramble on about Finn and our relationship. I even tell her I hate having sex with him. Why did I do that? She is just so easy to talk to, and she listens without judging me even though I have been judging her since day one. The more I talk, the more I realize there is more to her than just her amazing body and piercing steel-blue eyes. I could see something more hidden deep down. I just needed to find out what it was. For some reason, I have yet to figure out, Lexa means something to me, more than Finn ever did.

Lexa eventually brought out the more potent liquor, and a few shots in, she is the one rambling. The longer we sit here talking, the more at ease we both seemed to be, and Lexa began to tell me things that no one other than Ash knew. She is so worried that I will see her as broken if I get to know her and all her baggage, but that couldn't be further from the truth. It only makes me like her more, I'm getting to see the true Lexa, and I feel not many people take the time to see this side of her.

After hearing about her 'punishment sessions,' I'm angry. I'm so mad that she had to experience those things and even more furious that she feels people will think less of her because of what she experienced. I want to let her know that I could never see her as anything less than an amazing, caring, beautiful woman. I want her to see that she isn't broken, so I tell her, "I could never see you as broken. Here I complained about having sex with my boyfriend and how awful it was while you have been through so much more, but you handle it like a champ. You aren't a sniffling mess like me. You are a well put together attractive woman who I would really like to spend time with."

"Clarke, I didn't tell you about my issues to make you feel like yours were nothing. I told you mine to show you that everyone has issues that need to be discussed before you can truly know another person. You deserve better than Finn. Even if better isn't me, you deserve someone who respects what you want and need. Someone who stands beside you, not in front of you, pushing you down. I just want you to be happy and find someone right for you. Because that's what matters to me most, your happiness, not mine. I just want to be here for you if you will let me."

I sit stunned at what she said. How can someone who has been through so much put everyone else's happiness before her own? I decide then to tell her everything about why I've been an ass to her from the beginning. Which leads her to tell me how she feels about me, and then I kiss her.

The kiss…is well like nothing I have ever felt in my life. I don't know how to explain it. My heart starts to beat faster, I see fireworks, and…well, I experience wetness in places that I never have before. I mean, I know what it is, but it has never happened to me before, and it scares the shit out of me. As soon as it is over, she just stares into my eyes. I don't know why but I attempt to run from her again. This time she is too quick for me.

"Clarke, please don't run. Talk to me. That was…well amazing."

"I'm sorry, but that was terrifying." I can tell that I hurt her, but I can't help it. I've never felt this way before, and definitely not for another woman. I don't know why that scares me, though, because half my friends are gay or bi. Hell, even my brother is gay. I don't really think that is the problem. I think it is because I know she is still in love with Ash. Getting attached to Lexa would cause only issues for me. Attachment would lead to heartbreak, again. It was inevitable, giving myself to someone, especially someone in love with someone else, being another person's everything, only to lose it all…No, it wasn't worth it.

She interrupts my thoughts by clearing her throat. When I look up, I swear I see unshed tears, but they are quickly gone. She then says something that scares me even more. She says that I changed what she thought she wanted with that kiss. She explains that up until I kissed her, she would have always chosen Ash, but now she isn't sure that's what she wants anymore. Is she telling the truth? Could she really want to be with me over Ash? I mean, she's never lied to me before. In fact, she is always so brutally honest, I think…well, I want to believe her, but am I ready? Is this what I want? Once again tonight, she has blown my mind. She isn't the woman I initially met; with each meeting, her walls slip a little bit more. Barriers I don't want her to feel the need to have around me. I want her to just be her.

She finally said that we should get some sleep but not before telling me, "I understand, but I want you to know that I will go at your speed. I just want the chance to try to be the person you want and need. I'm scared too."