In the middle of the night, the Exudaloff and Mia are trying to sleep underneath the Exudaloff's favourite bridge next to the park. They are awoken by a loud, thunderous noise.
Mia: Woah! What was that?
Exudaloff: Jumps to his feet. Don't know! But do not panic. I'll… I'll… slumps back down to the ground.
The thunderous noise sounds again.
Mia: Exudaloff? Are you going to investigate?
Exudaloff: Auhhhhh…
Mia: Well, I can't exactly go. It has to be you.
Exudaloff: I just want to lie here.
The Exudaloff curls into a ball, at which point, the noise is heard a third time.
Mia: That sounds like a grumble.
Exudaloff: Eh?
Mia: A grumble from your belly.
Exudaloff: Nah, I don't think… The Exudaloff grasps his belly as another loud rumble sounds.
Mia: Right there! That came from your tummy! You must be hungry.
Exudaloff: Uhhh… I don't get hungry.
Mia: What? Really?
Exudaloff: Shakes his head. Nope. I'm always perfectly satisfied. Rubs belly.
Another rumbling sounds. The vibrations of the Exudaloff's belly move his hand.
Mia: How long ago did you absorb me?
Exudaloff: Hmmm… a few weeks… I don't know. I don't keep track of time!
Mia: So you haven't absorbed anybody for a few weeks.
Exudaloff: I guess not.
Mia: And what have you eaten since?
Exudaloff: Well…
Mia: What have you eaten?
Exudaloff: I don't normally have to eat food! My victims provide me with enough sustenance. But since you insisted that I can never absorb anybody again…
Mia: And so you just haven't eaten anything since?
Exudaloff: A few leaves maybe?
Mia: It's no wonder you're so hungry!
Exudaloff: It's not like I can just take food, though. I guess I could steal food from people, but that wouldn't be right.
Mia: Maybe you should get a job.
Exudaloff: A job?
Mia: Yeah, a job. Then you can buy food, and maybe even find somewhere else to live.
Exudaloff: What's wrong with living here?
Mia: Well, it's cold, it's wet, there's no protection from the elements…
Exudaloff: Exactly!
Mia: Sighs. You still need a job if you want to eat, though.
Exudaloff: True. Where can I get one?
Mia: Well, a lot of people apply online nowadays.
Exudaloff: How do I do that?
Mia: Well, you use a computer, or a phone, or anything that will connect to the internet, really.
Exudaloff: I don't have one of those.
Mia: Yeah, I know.
Exudaloff: Am I right in thinking that the internet didn't always exist?
Mia: It did not.
Exudaloff: So did people have jobs before the internet came about?
Mia: They did…
Exudaloff: Then how did people apply for jobs back then?
The Exudaloff is standing in front of a fancy dress shop on the High Street named 'There be Aliens'. He looks inquisitively through the window.
Exudaloff: So I just walk in and ask if they will give me food in exchange for doing things for them?
Mia: You would receive money which you could use to buy food, among other things, but yes, that's fundamentally it.
Exudaloff: And you think this would be a good place for me to do this?
Mia: Yes! A friend of mine hired a costume from here once for a fancy dress party. She spoke well of this place. Apparently they have a very inclusive hiring policy. They'll have staff from all over the universe, and they understand the needs of different species.
Exudaloff: Well, that suits me. Places hand on the door. Uhhh…
Mia: What?
Exudaloff: What do I say when I'm inside?
Mia: Well, there's a sign on the door stating that there is a job available. Just tell whoever's at the counter that you're interested.
Exudaloff: In the job?
Mia: Yes. In you go.
The Exudaloff nervously steps inside the shop. The shop floor is covered in costumes based upon a myriad of different alien species which have arrived on the Earth in known history. A simple counter is located to the other end of the store, and a skinny man with short, pale brown hair is stood behind it.
Man behind counter: Hello. Have you come to return that costume?
Exudaloff: Ummm…
Mia: Whispering. Just say it…
Exudaloff: Hi, I'm uh… can I have the job on the poster outside please?
An awkward silence follows.
Exudaloff: Sorry, I've not applied to a job before. I don't really know the procedure, especially on Earth.
Man behind counter: Smiling. You're not the only one, don't worry. I'll go and fetch Jerry. He's the manager here. Walks through a door located behind him.
Exudaloff: Whispering. Mia, I think we have a problem.
Mia: I think you did fine. Don't worry!
The Exudaloff's belly rumbles loudly once again.
Exudaloff: I had a really strong urge to absorb that man. I'm worried that I'm going to do it.
Mia: You can't. You'll ruin any chance you have of getting the job if you do!
Exudaloff: But I'll have food...
Mia: Until you get hungry again. Hold off, get the job, and you'll have food for the rest of your life.
Exudaloff: Ooh… okay.
The man behind the counter returns, alongside another man who is identical to him.
Exudaloff: Uhh… are you two twins?
Man behind counter: No. Transforms into natural shape. My name is Samel. I'm a Zygon. I can shape-shift! Can you shape-shift?
Exudaloff: Um… no, I don't think so.
Samel: A pity.
The Exudaloff's stomach rumbles again.
Samel: No wait! I didn't mean… it's just… I really like being able to shape-shift.
Exudaloff: Clutches belly. No offence taken.
Jerry: Anyway… nice to meet you. I'm Jerry, the manager. Reaches out hand for a handshake.
Exudaloff: Moves hand awkwardly towards Jerry, before thinking better of it.
Jerry: You shake it. It's an old Earth custom.
Exudaloff: I'm familiar. I just… I don't think I should. I… if you touch me you'll be absorbed.
Jerry: Oh… you're… erm… an Abzorbaloff, is it? I think I met one of your kind before.
Mia: Under breath. Is 'Abzorbaloff' your old name or your species?
Exudaloff: Yes! That's what I am. Or I was, until I stopped absorbing people. I now go by the name 'Exudaloff'.
Jerry: Places arm by side. Well, I certainly wouldn't want you to start again with me. Now, we are actually in need of somebody to staff the shop this afternoon, from 1pm until 6pm. Would you be able to take that shift?
Exudaloff: Stomach rumbles again. Yes! Yes please.
Jerry: Alright. We'll take you on this afternoon, and if you don't try to absorb the customers or something, then we'll look into making you a full time member of our staff. Now, I know that aliens don't always want the same kind of payment as humans. Is that true for you?
Exudaloff: Oh, er, yes. I would like to be paid in food, please. Say… thirty thousand calories per week?
Mia: Uh…
Exudaloff: Oh, I nearly forgot! Turns around to show Mia to Jerry and Samel. This is Mia. I absorbed her before I decided to give up absorbing people. She's been helping me to change my ways and help people instead of absorbing them.
Mia: Hi, I'm…
Jerry: Ah, fascinating!
Exudaloff: I'm glad you think so.
The Exudaloff turns around to face Jerry and Samel once again.
Mia: Under her breath: ...a human being with thoughts and feelings still.
Jerry: Do you have any preference in terms of food?
Exudaloff: Nothing too processed, please. I can eat pretty much anything raw, apart from some of the junk I find on this planet.
The small bell above the door rings, as three scraggly-looking students walk into the shop.
Jerry: Very well. You will have five thousand calories after your shift. You will get more work and more food later if you don't absorb my customers. See you after lunch!
The Exudaloff's belly rumbles fiercely.
Exudaloff: Looks at the students. Lunch… Turns to face Jerry. Thank you very much. See you this afternoon!
Mia: Come on, Exu. You're nearly there!
Exudaloff: I told you, I'm not really sure about that name!
Mia: You expect me to say 'Exudaloff' all the time? It's a bit of a mouthful, Exu.
Exudaloff: That is my name…
Mia: Well, you can be Exudaloff to everyone else, but to me, you'll be Exu.
Exudaloff: Sighs. I'm too hungry to argue. What is the time now?
Mia: Still not looking at the wall?
Exudaloff: Looking behind me is too much energy.
Mia: Fine. It is ten minutes to six. You're nearly there!
The Exudaloff's belly rumbles so loudly that the old lady in the shop turns around to investigate.
Exudaloff: Oh, thank goodness!
The old lady walks up to the counter, holding a child-sized Adipose costume, which she places on the counter.
Old lady: It's for my grandson's birthday. Do you think he will like it?
Exudaloff: Uhh…
Mia: Ooh, let me see!
The Exudaloff turns around, and the old lady jumps a little as she sees Mia.
Mia: Aww, that's adorable. Yeah, he's going to love it!
Old lady: Oh, good.
The Exudaloff turns around again to face the old lady.
Exudaloff: That will be £25, please.
The Exudaloff's stomach churns violently as the old lady counts out her notes. He is cautious to allow her plenty of time to remove her hand from the counter, before slamming his own against the surface and taking the money.
Exudaloff: Smiles warmly. Thank you. Have a good day. To Mia. What is the time now?
Mia: Seven minutes left.
The Exudaloff's belly grumbles even louder.
Exudaloff: Why?
Mia: Just, stay calm. We can do this.
Seven minutes pass, with the Exudaloff slowly becoming less and less able to stand properly against the counter.
Mia: Six o'clock.
Jerry: Home time!
Exudaloff: Do I get to eat food now? His stomach grumbles even louder.
Jerry: I'm not even Jerry. Transforms into a Zygon. Jerry finished at lunchtime.
Exudaloff: Samel? Please, you have to stop doing that!
Samel: Laughs to herself. Nah. Reacts to another rumble of the Exudaloff's stomach. Or... maybe I should. Anyway, Jerry had a food delivery brought here for you as payment. It is in the cupboard in the back. He trusted me to report back to him and it looks like you did a good job and didn't absorb any customers which is a plus. Well done, looks like you got the job permanently. Welcome to the team, my friend. Goes to shake the Exudaloff's hand, before thinking better of it.
Mia: Singing. Oh yeah! Oh ye-ah! Oh ye-ah!
Exudaloff: Can you show me where the food is?
Samel: This way… Leads the Exudaloff into the cupboard. The Exudaloff sees the piles of biscuits, raw meat, and uncooked carbs, and wolfs down the entire collection.