Chapter 30: Ash

Once we land, I scoop up a sleeping Asher and head to the car. On the drive to Callie's, I can't help but think that maybe I'm not giving her a fair chance. I mean, I have been hanging out with her and Asher, but we haven't actually been alone together except when he's in bed. I've been thinking a lot since the other night that I spent with Lexa, and she made a good point about the fact that I can't really move on until I resolve my feelings with Callie. I'm just so afraid that if I let her back in, I might realize that she is the one I want, which will destroy Lexa.

I know for a fact that I love Lexa, but at one time, I felt the same way about Callie, and I never got closure on that relationship because I ran. I seem to always run away from her. What would happen if I actually stayed and tried? Would I realize that I still love her and want to make a life with her and Asher, like we'd always planned? What about Lexa? Would she be okay? I don't want to hurt her. We have been through so much together, and I do love her, but…if I don't figure things out with Callie, how can I ever ask Lexa to trust me with her heart?

Lexa, on the other hand, seems to have girls falling at her feet already. I can just imagine what's going to happen after the fight. Maybe everyone was right all along, and the only reason we were together was because of what we went through together and how much alike we are. I don't know, but what I do know is that if I keep running to her, I will never figure out my feelings for Callie, and that's not fair to either one of them.

I pull up to Callie's house and carry Asher to the door, where I'm met by Callie. She leans in to kiss Asher's forehead and tells me to put him into bed, and she will get us a glass of wine so that we can talk. As I walk to his bedroom, all I can think is, can she read my mind? How did she know I needed to talk?

When I walk back out into the den, she is sitting on the couch with two glasses of wine. I smile, "How did you know that I need to talk to you?"

She laughs, "Ashley, I know all of your faces, and the one you were wearing when I opened the door was one of confusion. So, what's on your mind?"

"Well, I realized that I haven't really been fair to you…."

"What do you mean? You have been amazing with Asher and helping me with him."

"That's just it! I've only been here for Asher, not you. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with him, but in order to figure out my feelings, I need to spend time with you also."

"I'm not sure I understand, Ashley. What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that we need to go out on a date or spend some time together alone. I went out with Lexa the other night, and well…things happened. I realized then that I need to distance myself from her so that I can see what we have if anything."

"So, you are saying that you feel guilty because you fucked her and haven't me! I think it is time you leave, and I'm not sure we will be going to the fights after all."

"What? No, that's not what I meant! What I mean is that I want to give us a chance. I want to see if…I want to see if things can ever be the way they were between us. I enjoy being around you and Asher as a family, and I want to find out how I feel about you. Am I making any sense? I know I am saying everything wrong, but I want us to try. I've really enjoyed the time we spent together, but…Will you please let me take you and Asher to the fights and stay with me in my room? Then, we can go out on a date, just us tomorrow."

"Ashley, you were always bad with words, but your actions are where you excel," she says, smiling. "Look, you have been amazing with Asher, and I do feel at times like we are a family, but…well, I'm just not sure. You just basically said that you can't be alone with Lexa without having sex, so how am I supposed to feel about that."

"I realized after the other night that Lexa is safe to me. I know what to expect from her and know that she won't leave me. I think I run to her when I need to feel something other than confusion. I know she will be there for me and give me whatever I need. What I also realized was that it's not fair to either of you. It's not fair to her because I shouldn't want her just because she is safe. I should want her because I can't live without her, but I'm not sure because I haven't given you a chance because I'm scared. I'm scared if I give you a chance, you will hurt me again…but I realize that I need to take a chance in order to find out. So, if you are willing to let me, I want to take a chance with you."

"Ashley, that's all I have ever wanted. I just want a chance to prove to you that I have changed and that I am still in love with you. I have never stopped loving you."

Callie leaned in, putting her lips on mine. Suddenly, I feel butterflies in my stomach and sparks on my lips. I immediately pull her closer and deepen the kiss. This kiss is different than the ones with Lexa. I'm not sure why but there is just something there that isn't when I kiss her. I mean, I enjoy kissing her, but this is Callie. She's has always held my heart, whether I wanted to admit it or not. I realize now that I have never really gotten over her. I pull back and stare into Callie's hazel eyes before saying, "Um…well, that was…amazing!"

She just laughs at me and says, "I'll say!"

"So, does this mean you will go to the fights as my date?"

"I don't know if that is such a good idea. I mean, won't that upset Lexa on her big night?"

"I didn't think about that. I mean, she said she didn't mind if you came, so why would it bother her?"

"Really? I think you just don't think before you speak sometimes. Just because she is okay with me coming doesn't mean she is okay with me coming as your date."

"I'm confused. Why don't I just ask if it is okay?"

"I don't know if that's a good idea either, but it is up to you."

"Fine, why don't we just agree to go to the fight together with Asher, and if he decides that he wants to hang out with Lexa at the meet and greet, then we will go out on a date. Deal?"

"So, you want to pawn our son off on your ex-girlfriend or whatever she is while we sneak off on a date? You really are crazy, you know that?"

"Well, when you say it like that, I admit it sounds bad. But if you could have seen how excited Asher was to be around the fighters today and how good Lexa is with him, you would understand what I mean. So here, let me show you the pictures from today. Oh, and I should really tell you something, but you have to promise not to let him know you heard it from me."

"Ashley Fletcher, what are you talking about?"

"You really ought to monitor our son's internet history a little better. He knew every fighter by name that we saw while at the training center today. When I asked him how he knew so much about them, he said, 'don't tell mom, but I sneak and watch fights on my tablet after she goes bed.' His words, not mine. Anyway, he had the time of his life. Here look through the pictures." I handed her my phone, so she could scroll through them.

When she handed it back to me, she said, "that little shit! I should take away his tablet and not let him go, but he just looks so damn cute and happy. I can't be mad at him, and he does look happy with Lexa at the Grand Canyon. I guess she will be a part of our life one way or another, huh?"

"Yes, she will always be a part of my family. We have been through too much together, and if it weren't for her, I would be dead." Then I lean in to kiss her, again I feel the sparks and butterflies. I run my tongue across her lips, and she opens up for me. The kiss turns from slow to needy quickly. Before I realize it, I have her laid back on the couch, straddling her. Once I realize this, I quickly get up and start to apologize. "Callie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…."

She stands up and takes my hand, "Ashley, it's okay. I want it just as much as you do, but let's go to the bedroom so Ash doesn't walk in on us."

"I don't know. Maybe we should take it slower. I mean…I don't know what I mean. All I know is when I kiss you, I feel sparks and butterflies, and I just get carried away, but I don't want to confuse Asher, and he will probably be up early in the morning. Do you have school tomorrow?"

"No, it's a holiday. Why?"

"I'll ask mom if she can watch Asher for us tomorrow so that we can spend the day together and go from there. How does that sound?"

"It sounds fine but not as good as you coming to bed with me right now."

"I know, but we have to think about Asher too, sweetie. So bring Asher by the house tomorrow when you all get up. Then, just text me when you are on the way."

"Fine, but when did you get to be so responsible? Let me at least walk you to the door and say goodbye."