Randy is picking his wand at the Ollivander's wand shop, "Last time on Survivor!" Olivander listens intently.
"Slytherin slaughtered Cedric, and this panicked Ginny into finding the first idol of the season." Ginny jumps up and down with Winky.
"Each tribe was then forced to choose a leader, and they got to shake up the game," a flashback of Randy saying, "drop your buffs."
"Harry, Hermione, Snape, and Ginny reshuffled the tribes." A collection of shocked faces as teams were picked.
"On the new Ravenclaw beach, Hermione found an advantage that allowed her to steal Lavender's melanin." A close-up of Lavender's white face.
"At the challenge, the new Hufflepuff and Slytherin couldn't hang in the endurance challenge, so they ended up at tribal council." Dramatic replays of Luna and Snape dropping and throwing their broomsticks.
Randy continues summarizing as he stands at the cash register. "At tribal council, Slytherin attempted to continue their steamroll, Hufflepuff thwarted them and blindsided Dolores, saving Luna." Dolores' torch gets snuffed. who
"Fifteen are left. Who will be voted out tonight?"
Slytherin Tribe
Night 6
In the night vision lens, Neville's overbite trembles as Snape goes on a rampage.
"What is your problem, Longbottom? Are you out of your mind? You just handed the game away to someone like Ms. Granger?"
Albus makes a pained face.
"My little Neville wasn't the only one who mucked up the plan," Albus said while rocking some gray pigtails.
"And you Albus– what were you thinking by voting Dobby?" Snape continues, his voice getting gradually louder after every word.
"That is not what happened. I voted for Luna."
"Sure you did." Snape dramatically tosses his cape and storms away from them.
"I knew coming back to camp would be coming back to Hell on Earth." Shaking with excitement, Neville explains, "they went after Cedric without my consent, and now he's big mad? Suck it, Snape."
Gryffindor Tribe
Day 7
Standing on a rock, Parvati throws a fishing line into the water.
"It's been a week out here, and I'm feeling pretty great," Parvati says as she catches a fish and hops back onto land. "My main concern is making the merge, and I think that should be easy enough."
Ron sat on the edge of the shelter as Draco lay shirtless next to him.
"Look, Ron, all I'm saying is that if I'm gone, they'll be targeting you soon after," Draco stretches his body.
"So, are you suggesting something?" Looking disgusted, Ron averts his gaze to Harry tanning on the beach.
"He's making valid points, but" Making a nauseous face, Ron continues, "I don't want to work with Malfoy. He's a douche."
"I'll make it worth your while, Weasel. Don't you want to win?" Poking his flabby chest, Ron giggles.
"Yeah, I want to win." He sighs.
"Then let's make a deal Ron, we need to look out for one another. I already know that Snape is against you and Ginny."
"Oh, everyone is against you." Ron sweeps his bangs back.
"Everyone? Please." Draco says, sounding hurt.
"Look, it's probably in your best interest to just win with us."
Draco grabs Ron's hand and places it on his dick.
"Then I need to relax for the challenge." Ron nods and jerks him off.
Harry rolls over to get more sunburnt.
A boat with Randy and the production psychologist drive up to the beach, "Parvati, we need to speak with you,"
"Back at home, my mom is dealing with magical dementia; seeing Randy made my stomach drop." Crying heavily, Parvati hugs herself as she sits in the sand.
"I'm sorry, but your mother has passed on," Randy says and hugs Parvati.
"Oh my god," She mouths and rubs her face into Randy's hairy chest.
Harry, Ron, and Draco all stand around a crying Parvati as Randy grabs her ass in a supportive manner.
In hysterics, Ron chokes out, "We just got the unfortunate news that Parv's mom pássed. I wouldn't know what to do if my mum died. My heart goes out to Parv," He wipes some tears away. "If she wanted to quit, I totally understand."
"Big whoop, everyone dies eventually," Draco says, sneering at the camera. "Who cares that mommy died?"
Everyone mourns until the challenge later that day.
Ravenclaw Tribe
Day 7
"When I picked the new and improved Ravenclaw Tribe, I wanted brains," Cho is shown, "brawn," Hagrid chops some wood, "and beauty." Newly white Lavender combs her hair. "I'm ecstatic with my game currently. I should be smooth sailing into the merge." Hermione says and laughs.
Hagrid drops some logs on the fire. Cho and Lavender were nowhere to be seen. Chilling on a stump, Hermione glances over to Hagrid.
"Oi, Hermione, how about a pact between us?" Huffing Hagrid says.
"Of course, Hagrid, I picked you for a reason. We need your strength." She giggles.
"My size might be the death of me." Hagrid sighs, "when I was younger and not the man I am today, being this huge was a curse. When I blossomed," he clears his throat at his trans metaphor and stares intensely, "I was happier; people liked me more. I became handsome, and I became a threat. A double-edged sword, but I wouldn't trade my lot in life for anything!" He laughs, shaking his serious demeanor.
The scene transitions to the other two girls gossiping at the well,
"I want her head! I am so mad at her. She didn't even ask if she could borrow my blackness."
"That's so fucked up; she didn't want to be Asian?" Disgruntled Cho leans against a nearby tree.
"My goal right now is to break up the people who I think would be close to Harry." Using twigs as pawns, Cho elaborates, "in closest proximity is Hermione and Hagrid, then probably Ron, that's my hit list." She snaps the twigs frantically.
"We should be good for immunity. What would we lose? Like…" Lavender says as she crosses her arms.
Cho nods, and an owl turns its head three hundred degrees.
Hufflepuff Tribe
Day 7
Ginny and Luna lay on their stomachs as Dobby and Winky both massage their backs.
"I survived last night!" Luna grins wildly, "now we just have to make a wish so we can avoid going back to tribal council."
As Dobby karate chops Ginny's shoulder blade, a crate of protein bars dramatically wash up onshore.
Being the first to notice the wooden box, Winky dashes off to investigate. She abandons Luna's massage.
"It's food! Some good fucking food!" Ripping apart the wrapping paper, Winky gobbles down some granola.
The rest of the tribe runs down to where Winky is celebrating.
"Woah! This is so great!" Ginny says as she grabs and distributes the bars to Dobby and Luna.
"I'm okay. I'm not hungry." Looking down, Luna fixes her skirt.
"Luna should eat! Dobby insists." He grabs some granola and pushes it towards Luna.
"Luna so skinny Dobby is worried for Luna's health." He blinks at the camera as some flutes play in the background.
"No one understands me and my lifestyle. I'm a breatharian, and I haven't eaten in three years. My nourishment is from the sun." She basks in the sun and photosynthesizes.
"Whatever," Ginny shrugs.
"If she's not eating, that just means there's more rice and lentils for me." Eating and licking a rock with some rice on it, Ginny's white tongue laps it up.
A crab dances on the beach transitionally,
Immunity Challenge
Day 7
Shouting frantically, "come on, everybody!" All four tribes walk out to the quidditch pitch. "Get a look at the new Slytherin Tribe; Dolores voted out at the last tribal council."
Nobody cares because Parvati is still in tears, "Parvati, why don't you tell everyone what happened?" Randy exploits her trauma for ratings.
"My mom, she's dead." Parvati cries. Gasping, Cho hops off her mat to hug her.
"Being able to deal with that and not leave the game," Taking a heartfelt breath, Cho continues, "Parvati is the strongest woman that I know."
Immediate cut to Harry scowling. "I never knew my mom. At least she got a few years with her. It's hard to extend my sympathy. If anything, this just made Parvati too dangerous to take to the final tribal council."
"Yes, that's very sad for you, Parvati, but we have the challenge to get to." Randy claps his hands together. "For today's challenge, your goal is to get all three tribe members to the middle of this maze." Randy gestures to the thorny and shrouded bushes that pop up magically. "The first two tribes to do this win immunity and will go to the magical waterpark." Everyone claps.
"Okay, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, you need to sit one person out."
Parvati wipes some tears away and raises her hand.
Cho says, "there's no puzzle, so," she consoles Parvati on the sit-out bench.
Coughing and clutching her stomach, Winky states, "Winky, sit out."
"Alright, let's draw for spots, and we can get started." Randy claps his hands.
Draco scowls as the maze gyrates and shakes.
"Survivors ready? Go!" Randy pulls out his pistol and shoots into the air, an old-time favorite.
The castaways all dash through the maze's multiple entrances.
Harry dashes dramatically, noticeably taking a big lead as the drone camera gives a top-down view of the maze.
Using his large body, Hagrid charges through the bushes, basically breaking the maze.
Being all spooked, Dobby runs around aimlessly like the baby from MGMT's kids music video.
Sweating already, Draco mutters to himself, "I hate running." Miraculously Ron swings by him and takes his hand romanticly.
"Come on, Draco, let's do this togeth-uh," they pick up their pace as the maze ominously groans.
A branch hits Hermione in the face as she runs down a corridor. She gets a bloody nose.
Running and not looking, Ginny and Luna crash into each other. "Let's go!" Excitedly Luna grabs Ginny, and they trot off in the wrong direction.
Being the main character, Harry arrives at the maze's center; however, there was a distraction before the finish line. A corpse was stretched out as an old man screamed, "that's my boy! That's my son!" Over and over again. The dead boy was Cedric Diggory.
Not really giving a fuck Harry is the first person to check-in at the pit stop.
Roaring as he bursts through to the finish with twigs all shoved into his beard, Hagrid completes the challenge.
The camera caught a shot of Snape struggling with his cape in the bramble. "Oh, I must unrobe."
Ginny and Luna sprint through holding hands, "level five, Luna! on the treadmill! Beat the liars!" Dramatic cuts to Draco and Ron trailing behind them.
All four cross the finish line, Draco points and laughs at Cedric's dead body.
"Gryffindor! Congratulations, your whole tribe made it here first. You have won immunity." Randy says as Parvati sobs on the jury bench.
"It's such a bittersweet feeling, my dead mom, but I'm still in this game, thank you for speedrunning." Wiping tears away as she gives a confessional on the sit-out bench.
Grooving through to the finish line in the nude, Snape is the first Slytherin to finish. He noticeably has scrapes on his floppy cock.
"Oh bugger, I'm lost." Scratching his head, Neville breathes through his mouth.
With blood streaming down her face, Hermione gasps at Cedric's dead body crossing the finish.
Randy narrates, "We're only missing Albus, Neville, Lavender, and Dobby." A dramatic split-screen shows them all running and cursing sporadically.
"And the winner is…." Randy says as Ms. Lavender bursts through the finish. Randy does some magic to rescue the other three.
"Okay, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, congratulations on winning another challenge. Have fun at the magical waterpark." Neville winces, and Randy continues, "Hufflepuff, Slytherin, you'll be having fun at tribal council again. See you later."
"The loss today was not surprising." Albus booms as they walk away from the challenge. "We just need to flip someone to our alliance, and those elves are looking like prime real estate. If people didn't want to work with them then we need to scoop them up." Some maracas shake dramatically.
Waterpark Reward
Day 7
"I love going to water parks! They're just so much fun!" Lavender says as she slides down into a pool.
The two victorious tribes arrive at the reward before they're allowed in the pool they need to shower. Hagrid makes a pained face at the little people that designate gender. He goes with the boys.
"Who chewed up your nipples Big H?" Ron laughs as he frantically rubs soap under his armpits. A dramatic close-up on Harry's face as he knows the T.
"You know how dragons can be," laughing away, Hagrid hides his face.
Meanwhile, in the girls' showers, everyone is comforting Parvati who is still having a major breakdown over her mom's death. "It'll be o-ka-y Parv," Hermione over-enunciates.
"As we comforted Parvati on a family tube slide, I made it a point to make a girls team." Hermione smiles as she sits on a lounge chair.
They scream as the tube speeds up and splashes into the pool below. Lavender is heavily laughing and really enjoying herself.
"Not to make this about the game, but I think maybe we should make this a girl thing?" Hermione tries fixing her frizzy and wet hair.
"This bitch," Cho says while chilling in the chlorine-filled pool, "I don't know what her plan is, but I think it's a smokescreen or a backup plan. She's best friends with Harry and Ron. The vibes are off."
Shrugging her shoulders Lavender, chimes in with a "Yeah, sure." Parvati just nods, still grieving and dissociating.
The boys took off by themselves to the body slides. Harry forgets to cross his legs and clench his butthole, which gives him a sexy water slide enema.
"While sliding down the stupid slides like fucking muggles, I saw something." Narrating as a sepia flashback shows Draco grabbing a package on one the slides. "So I have this magical trinket which can grant me safety." He laughs. "Let's see Faggy Potter stop me now!"
A festive track plays while Hagrid gets stuck in a slide, causing firefighters to rescue him. "Bloody hell, get me out of here!" Hagrid cries.
"The reward was smashing fun. Like I haven't been to an amusement park ever." Ron states and admits to his poor upbringing. "I feel so refreshed!"
An ominous shot of the wave pool making a giant wave.
Hufflepuff + Slytherin
Day 7
The seven hoes ended up on Hufflepuffle Beach, and Snape went off to have a tantrum; Albus followed in an attempt to calm him down.
"I'm going home, and it's your fault." Severus cuts as he continues his strut to the well.
"Severus, that's entirely unfair, and you know that."
"Is it?" He twirls, making his cape float around him.
Albus sighs and almost trips on a tree root. "We need to get the elves in on it. We can target whomever you want."
"I wanted Lovegood out. Do it again, Albus." Snape flares his nostrils.
The camera cuts to Neville, Ginny, and Luna all washing their bodies in the ocean.
"Are you down for voting, Snape?' Washing her blonde hair, she sinks into the ocean before Neville and Ginny can answer.
"Yeah, that's for the best," Ginny says, and Neville frowns.
Drenched from the ocean water Neville sits on a nearby boulder. "Being on such a weak tribe, losing another member would just spell doom for me next round. Do they expect me to rock only with Dumbledore? That's crazy."
"Actually, no, can we even it out? I would vote for Dobby."
Batting her eyes, Luna chirps, "Sure, Neville, he did lose it for us. That's fair," Ginny makes a stank face.
In the shelter, Dobby was having his dinner of Winky's pussy. "Yes, Dobby! Vote with Winky tonight!"
"Winky wears pants in this relationship," She says, super fucked up in the middle of the camp.
Ginny and Luna skip as they return from washing their pussies. "Hey Dobby, close your ears for this one," Dobby listens to Ginny and sticks his fingers in his ears."We're voting Snape this time," Winky nods at this.
"Dobby heard still," Dramatic music plays as Dobby is followed by cameramen to Snape, who is crying about his impending loss.
"Master Snape, may we vote for Ginny or Luna," Dobby pulls on Snape's cape alerting him.
"We need your friend Winky's vote too," Collecting his composure; Snape stops sniveling like a little bitch.
Albus is standing with Winky, trying his best to convince her to flip. "Look, they are not playing for Winky."
She nods, "Winky knows, Winky knows."
"Who is your least favorite?" Albus asks, getting ready to pile the votes on them.
Before she says someone's name, the camera cuts away for dramatic tension.
Back at camp, Snape is teaching some magic spells to Neville while Ginny gawks at them.
"Professor Snape, not to bother your lesson but, may I ask you a question?"
"You just did."
"Why are you so stank?" Ginny asks.
"I mostly want to toy with Mr. Snape." Making a smirk, Ginny says more, "I haven't liked him since the beginning. It is nice to drop the nice Ginny act finally."
"That's none of your business Ms. Weasley. Eat your rice. Do your homework. Vote me out." He says succinctly.
Neville winces at the drama.
The night quickly falls as the ragged contestants collect their torches and head to the great hall.
"Hopefully, our plan works! The demons in my head told me I shouldn't worry, so I'm not. La la la!" Luna says as she beams, walking away from camp.
"I have a terrible pit in my stomach tonight. These tossers are voting me out. Dumbledore has some fucking explaining to do." Snape pouts as the track hums into a low groan.
Tribal Council
Night 7
Randy grimaces as everyone walks into the Great Hall. Winky smiles at him.
"Why you smiling, Winky? You excited to be at the most dangerous place you can be in the game?"
"Yes, Master Marsh. Winky loves this game." She giggles to herself, mostly confusing everyone.
"You're going to love this then. Two people are going home tonight." A cello makes a screeching noise in the distance.
Snape and Neville look at Albus, who is shaking, shitting, vomiting, and seizing at the news. Dobby and Winky hold hands.
"Ginny, at the last double tribal, you said that the revelation didn't make you change your mind. Is this the same as last time?"
"I would say it has made me change my mind this time. Excuse me." She leans over to whisper to Luna, who's sitting on her left.
"Dobby, I see you're with Winky. Are you saying that elves' lives matter?"
"Dobby thinks so."
"I disagree. Their votes don't matter now." Snape angrily states. Albus rubs his temple. Looking offended, Dobby squeezes Winky's hand harder.
"Albus, daddy, papa bear," Neville clears his throat, "please save me."
"Don't listen to him, Dumbledore, remember our pact?" Snape emotionally abuses him.
Randy's eyes glisten, "Professor Dumbledore, it looks like you're in the swing tonight. What factor will decide your vote?"
"This is the toughest decision I will have to make. I love Neville and Severus both very much. Fate will make my decision with care." Ginny makes a stank face at Albus and then lasers in on Winky.
"Winky, are we on the same page?" Ginny directly asks.
She blinks, "No."
"No? What do you mean no?" Looking hella incredulous.
Luna shakes her head. "It's all Gucci."
"So we're all good to vote then, I assume? Slytherin, when you go vote, drop your parchment into the goblet with the green flame. Hufflepuff, you do the same with the goblet with the yellow flame. Neville, you're up first."
Neville feels brave in the privacy of the voting booth, "see ya later, stank bitch." [Severus]
Shaking as he grabs the marker, "I love you both so much." Albus cries before he seals someone's fate.
"You failed to secure the dark lord on your bussy. Shameful." [Neville]
Ginny starts for Hufflepuff, "dead weight."
Winky sweats and begs production for some butterbeer before she must vote.
Dobby smiles and votes.
Skipping up to vote, Luna whistles as she places her vote into the goblet.
"I'll go tally the votes."
Randy exclaims, "we'll start with Slytherin. If any of you three have a hidden immunity idol and want to play it, now is the time to do so." Snape stares at Neville, who is shaking, mostly because he's anxious.
"Okay, I'll read the votes."
"First vote,"
[Neville]
He nods.
"Second vote,"
[Severus]
Albus uses his beard as a tissue.
"And the sixth person voted out of Survivor: Room of Requirement,"
[Neville ❤]
"Neville, I'm going to need your torch."
Ginny shakes her head disapprovingly.
Albus and Neville both stand.
"Albus, are you shitting on me?"
"I'm not shitting on you. Neville, I'm sorry, you were acting crazy about you know who. I'm rolling with Snape."
Snape awkwardly smiles.
Albus and Neville start screaming at each other.
"You are shitting on me!"
"Nev, I'm being real!"
"Fuck you, Dumble. Fuck you. You aren't real. I loved you. Don't touch me, never touch me again."
"Thank you, Neville. I appreciate that Neville."
Randy is shaken as Neville grabs his torch.
"Uh, the tribe has spoken." His torch is snuffed.
Neville walks out as some thunder cracks, "Whatever, I don't give a fuck."
"Does it look like I give a fuck? Because I don't. I will piss on his grave. I wish Snape an ounce of luck." Neville fumes on the train away from magic land bitch I didn't read the books.
"This crazy night isn't over. If anyone on Hufflepuff wants to play an idol, now would be the time to do so."
Ginny sighs after Winky acts curious by looking at her. "I'm not letting it tie." Ginny stands up and digs into her underwear. She walks up and hands Randy Tom Riddle's notebook. "I'm playing this on Luna."
Luna gasps, "really?"
"This is a hidden immunity horcrux. Any votes cast for Luna will not count."
Winky and Dobby blink, not understanding what's going on.
"First vote," Randy smiles.
[Loonah]
"Does not count." He flips the next vote over as Ginny smirks.
[Luno]
"Does not count. Two votes left."
Winky covers her face as Dobby swallows some spit making his chicken neck wobble.
[Dobby]
"No!" Winky shouts, and Dobby shakes his head, "It must be Dobby's time."
"The seventh person voted out Survivor: Room of Requirement, y'all know."
[Dobby]
Dobby gets up and shakes everyone's hand; only Luna and Winky appreciate the gesture. "Thank you, Dobby, thank you." Dobby forgets his torch as he goes to Randy, "Master Marsh, Dobby would like to service you."
Randy laughs, "Grab your torch,"
Dobby nods and scurries.
"Dobby, the tribe has spoken."
"Dobby thinks so. Dobby wishes everyone luck!" He hobbles away from the Great Hall.
"Both houses are on life support. We now have the smallest tribe in Survivor History." The camera pans to Snape and Albus, both looking emotionally spent. "You can't rely on the merge to save you." Ginny frowns at this. "Head back to camp; good night."
The two small titties tribes grab their things and go.
"Dobby is just glad he didn't go first." He kicks his legs as he waits to be sex trafficked at the train station.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR
Snape and Dumbledore rekindle their relationship. Gratuitous shots of them sixty-nining.
Luna becomes they/them, angering Winky. "Pick a side, some days Winky boy and some days Winky girl." She makes a stank face.
On Ravenclaw, the drama explodes. Hagrid intercepts Lavender running at Hermione. "I just want to talk to her!"