Chapter 38: Lexa

I get up to walk away. I take about two steps before someone grabs my wrist. I spin around and yell, "Let me go!" I'm not sure whether I'm pissed or just hurt by what Clarke just said. All I know is that I need to get out of here and now. When I realize it's Clarke who has grabbed me, I look into her eyes. I know then that her words hurt me more than any ever have. I can't believe that she thinks the only reason I sang to her was that I was drunk, not after everything that has happened in the last couple of days.

She's just standing there staring at me, and I can feel tears forming. I don't want anyone to see me cry so, I turn to leave. But she says, "Wait."

I turn around and look at her, but she just stands there. So, finally, I say, "Is that what you really think? You think that…never mind…it doesn't matter. I'm going to bed. You all have fun! I'll see everyone bright and early for the flight to LA. Jose, will you please make sure everyone has everything they need in their suites. Clarke, I will have Petrona bring your bags to your suite."

I can tell that Clarke is stunned, but at this point, I don't care. I turn to walk away when Ash says, "Alexandria Sahar Trikru stop being such an ass!"

That does it. "No one calls me that…well except your mom and Abby, but…You don't get to talk to me like that, not anymore. I am not doing this with you right now in front of my friends and crew. So, I'm going to go to bed and sleep it off while you all continue to talk about me."

Callie says, "Ashley, leave her alone. I think…"

I'm really pissed now, and all these emotions are just waiting to burst out. "What? What do you think, Callie? That this is about you and Ash. I hate to break it to you, but it has nothing to do with either one of you and everything to do with what Clarke thinks of me. I thought I was over, caring what others thought of me, but…I guess I care what she thinks. What the hell since we seem to be doing this. Let's get it all out. What do you say? Is that what everyone wants?"

"Okay, Lexa, that's enough. I get it. We took things too far by forcing Clarke to talk about last night. I'm sorry…."

"Ash, stop making this about you. It's not! I told you I'm happy for you and Callie. I really am. What we had was amazing while it lasted, but it was built on the trauma that we went through together, nothing more. While I don't regret a minute of it, I realize now that we're not destined to be lovers. I know now that we will always be there for one another but as friends. I will always have your six no matter what. You gave me a home and showed me what it means to have a family. That's what we will always be family. Callie, I hope that we can become friends because we will see a lot of each other and I really hope to be a part of Asher's life. He is a great kid."

Callie says, "Lexa, I know we got off to a rocky start, but I would like it also if we can become friends. As far as Asher, I want you to know that I trust you with him, and he loves you. I think what we all want to know right now is, what has you so upset? You once said that you wanted your crew to be a part of your family, right? Well, part of being a family is talking when things are bothering you. We are here for you if you will let us be."

"Just forget it, alright! You and Ash didn't do anything. I am just upset and wanted to get that off my chest so that everyone would know where the three of us stand. Now…"

Clarke interrupts me, "Lexa, I'm sorry! I know that I am the one who hurt you and made you upset. I was embarrassed! I shouldn't have said that the only reason you sang to me was because you were drunk. I'm just…well, I'm terrified of…."

"Yeah, I know. You are scared and embarrassed by me. I get it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I really thought…I…I thought you…I thought you felt something for me when we kissed. That one kiss changed my whole life. Up until that kiss, I knew what I wanted. I had the rest of my life figured out. I was going to fight tooth and nail for Ash, and I knew that I would choose her over everyone, but that kiss changed everything for me. Just so you know, I wasn't drunk last night, and I said that jokingly. I don't need to be drunk to get up in front of a crowd. If I did, then it would be hard to fight. Don't you think? I just feel like it is easier to express some emotions through songs. I meant all three songs I sang last night were for you. Hell, I basically said that I would kill Finn for you. I just had a buzz, and I just…well, I just wanted to tell you how I felt, and I thought that since you kissed me after the song that it meant you were going to give me a chance. I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part. I'm only glad that…."

I don't get to finish my sentence because Clarke's lips crash into mine. This was…this kiss made my entire body tingle, and the rest of the world just disappeared. At this moment, I forgot that we were fighting. I forgot how bad her words hurt me, and most of all, I forgot that there was anyone else around. When she pulled away, I was breathless and wanting more, but at the same time, I felt a stab of anxiety. I am so confused as to what this means.

She looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Would you please let me finish? I was trying to say that you don't embarrass me, and I'm not terrified of you. I was embarrassed talking about how romantic you are in front of everyone, especially Ash. I only said those things to downplay it because I was terrified that you still had feelings for Ash. No one has ever made me feel the way you do, and it scares me. I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I promise to never intentionally hurt you ever again, but I…."

I say, "Relax, you can trust me. You have to believe that otherwise…well, without trust, there is nothing. I'm not like Finn or anyone else. I won't hurt you. I will never take you for granted, and I will never leave you. I don't play games, and I will always come when you need me. I'm not after a quick or short romance. I can be as patient as you need. I just need to know that you are willing to give me a chance. That's all. All I want is a chance."

"I do believe you, and I do trust you. I know you are different; it's just I don't want…everything is just happing so fast, and it is scary."

"Trust me, I know, sweetie. I'm scared too, up until recently, I thought that Ash was my end game. I was ready to marry her. Hell, I even proposed to her before we left Afghanistan. When she didn't immediately accept the proposal, I started building up my defenses. Then once Callie showed up, and Ash wanted to see where their relationship was going, well, I started partying, even sleeping around, which I'm not proud of, but it happened. When I kissed you, I knew that I was in trouble. My defenses started to drop, and all the walls I had put up came crashing down. All it took was that one kiss…so yeah, I'm scared too. I knew after that kiss that I was done with sleeping around. I want a relationship with you if you'll have me. All I'm asking for is a chance, that's it." I walk over to her and give her a kiss on the cheek before walking away. I'm tired and emotionally spent. I just want to go downstairs, turn on tapes of fights, and relax."

Clarke says, "Wait, is it okay if I come with you? Or…do you want me to get my things and stay in one of the suites?"

"Ya Amar, that is completely up to you, but please be sure if you do come to me."

I head toward the stairs, and I hear Angie say, "Damn, that girl is brutely honest. If I were trying to get with someone, I would never let them know that I had slept around."

I'm about to turn around with a retort but hear Ash say, "Lexa doesn't know how to be dishonest and when she loves, she wears her heart on her sleeve. She really is a romantic person, and if Clarke gives her a chance, she will never want for anything ever again."

Wow, I can't believe Ash said that, especially in front of Callie, but she's not wrong. I just hope that it doesn't get her into trouble with Callie. I sort of want to hang around and hear what else is said, but I'm spent, and I just need a hot shower, and a few minutes alone so, I say, "I'm going to take a shower. I will see everyone in the morning. Clarke, if you want to stay with me give me about twenty minutes. I just…I just need a few minutes." She just nods as I walk away.

Ash

As soon as those words leave my mouth, I know that they could cause trouble, but I really needed Clarke to know. Luckily, Callie just gave me a look, but then she kissed me. Of course, Jess had to open her mouth, "Ashley, if she is so amazing, why did you let her go?"

This statement earned her a smack to the back of the head from both Callie and Angie. Unfortunately, everyone was looking at me for an answer, and it didn't look like anyone would save me this time. So, I took a deep breath, which gave me some time to get my thoughts together, then said, "It's like this, what we had was amazing, but like Lexa, I realize that our relationship worked because of where we were and what we had been through together. I saw myself reflected back at me in Lexa. Neither of us trusted anyone, and we didn't care if we lived or died. When I met her, I didn't know she was working with Bellamy and the Navy. I thought she was a member of the Taliban and an enemy. When I found out that I would have to trust her with my life, I gave her hell. But you know what she did, she took it doing everything I asked her to do. Then she made me a promise. She told me that she would protect me with her life and have my six, which is exactly what happened. She saved my life twice that night, proving to me that she could be trusted completely. Long story short, she always showed up and had my six. She came for me when I was taken and never left my side while I was in a coma. When I woke up, and Abby told me she had never left, I don't know…I felt the walls that I had built explode and crumble to the ground. Once I was awake, we got to know one another, and well…things happened. She is amazing and the most romantic person I have ever met. Yes, she did propose to me, but by then, mom had told me the story of Callie…and I started having doubts about my feelings for Lexa. Not about her commitment to me but the reason we were together. If you know anything about Lexa, you have to know that she never says anything that she doesn't mean, but some of the things Abby was telling me started to make sense. Our bond was related to a trauma that we shared, and it made us get close fast and think that we were meant to be together. When Callie showed up at the medal ceremony, I was mad."

She starts to speak, but I hold up my hand, "Please let me finish. I was mad because when I saw her all the feelings that I had spent the last seven years running from came back and I knew that I was in trouble. I was mad because I would have to hurt the one person who had never left me, Lexa. I realized that I had been running ever since Callie didn't show up at the airport, hell maybe even before then. When I found out what had happened to her while she was in college, I felt guilty, like it was my fault. Whenever I thought about her, I felt like a failure. I should have stayed home. I tried to get out of the Navy when I found out, but I couldn't."

I look at Callie with tears in my eyes, "Babe, I'm so sorry for everything you went through. I'm sorry I failed you, and I am going to stop running, I promise. Every day I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed and looked for you, but…I had no idea. Everyone thought you ran off with Robby to get married. I didn't know to look, and for that, I am truly sorry. So, I guess the short answer would be because I have always loved Callie. From the moment I tackled her in the gym that day freshman year until now, I never stopped loving her even though I tried and tried hard. Yes, Lexa is an amazing, romantic, loyal survivor with who I will always share a special bond, but my heart has and always will belong to Callie. It just took a long time for me to realize it. I don't regret my relationship with Lexa one bit. She was there for me when I needed her the most, and she will always have my six, but we both realize that we were not meant to be lovers."

When I finish, I take Callie's hand and bring it to my lips, kissing it. Then, I look over at Jess and say, "Does that answer your question?"

Before she can answer, Callie's lips crash into mine for a scorching kiss. Then she gets up, pulling me up with her, and asks Reed which room is ours. Everyone starts to laugh because they know exactly what is about to happen, but at this moment, I just don't care. Before we run off, I look at Clarke and say, "She really is worth it, you know. I know you're scared and whatever, but so is she. Just give her a chance, and I promise you won't regret it."

Clarke

Wow, I can't believe what Ash just said. I mean, it's almost the exact same thing that Lexa told me earlier. All I can hope is that I haven't completely screwed up with Lexa. I get up and head downstairs. I know it hasn't been twenty minutes, but I really want to be with her right now. How did things go so wrong so fast? I need to make things right.

When I get to her room, she is still in the shower. I put my hand on the bathroom door, debating on if I should let her know I'm here or not. I can hear the shower running, and then I hear her crying. I decided it would be better to wait for her on the couch so she can get herself pulled together. As I sit there, I wonder if I should talk to her now or wait until after the fight like I planned. That's if she is even willing to hear me out. I really don't know what to do.

I jump when she says, "What are you doing here?"

When I look up, she is standing there completely naked and dripping water. I can't help but look at her standing there with the water just sliding down her perfectly sculpted body, and those abs…she clears her throat. I start to stutter. "Um…you-you told me that I could…you said it was okay as long…as long as I was sure. I just need you to know…well, um, could you maybe put some clothes on so we can talk. I can't really concentrate while you are standing there…well, like that." I make a hand gesture towards her body.

She sort of laughs before giving me that infuriatingly cute half-smile she has, "I thought I said give me twenty minutes? Whatever, give me a second." She says, shaking her head.

When she comes back, she has on a pair of boxer briefs and a sports bra. She really is trying to kill me, I think. How am I supposed to concentrate when she looks like this? So, here goes nothing, "Look, I need you to know…well I just…I want you to know I wanted to wait until after your fight to tell you all of this because I didn't want to distract you." I laugh nervously, "But now everything has well, I don't know gone to shit. So, I'm just going to come out and say it. You have changed my life so much, and I know you don't understand how or why. Hell, you probably don't even believe me when I tell you that, but you really have. Since I met you, I have realized that…that what Finn and I had was toxic. He was controlling my life without me knowing it. You've made me look at the world differently. Maybe I haven't shown just how much I've loved being around you, but I have make no mistake about that."

"I'm glad that you can see things differently now, and I'm glad you enjoy my company when we are out with our friends, but…."

I shake my head and lift her chin until she's looking me in the eyes. Touching her was electrifying as my thumb swept across her bottom lip. "I don't care about hanging out with all our friends, Lexa. I care about you. I want you to know, I care more about you than just being friends. The fact that you showed up today when I needed you the most has only reinforced how I feel about you. You show up when I'm struggling. It's as though our connection is stronger than either of expected."

She looks at me with tears in her eyes, "I just knew you needed me. I shouldn't have let you go by yourself in the first place. I should have been with you just to have your back if you needed it."

I draw in a shaky breath. If I am ever going to have a happy life, something worth fighting for, I have to be honest with her. If it falls apart, at least I can say I tried and had been honest in the end.

"I had every intention of talking to you about us after you win the fight on Saturday. I know there is no us right now, and that is my fault, but I wanted to say some things to you. To open up to you about my feelings."

We move to sit on the couch, and I take her hand. "Is it okay if I still do that?" I ask, "Because if you still feel anything for Ash, I really need to know. I can't pour my heart out to you only to find out that I've already fucked it all up."

"I promise there is nothing more than friendship with Ash. However, I need you to believe me when I tell you this."

"I do. The truth is, I've never even really been in a real relationship before. I mean, I was with Finn, but I see now that it wasn't really a relationship, and I have never thought about another woman before, either, which scares me. So I've never really been on a date that I had any control over, and I don't know the first thing about being with women, especially when it comes to the bedroom. But I've been thinking that maybe it's time to do that kind of stuff. You know, dates and getting to know women, in and out of the bedroom."

"Um…okay."

I turn so that I can look Lexa in the eyes, "and by women, I don't mean other women. I just mean one woman."

"Okay…um…." she narrows her eyes, raising one eyebrow.

"Apparently, I'm not explaining this right. I mean y-you!" Surprisingly, I feel much lighter after saying everything out loud. "Um…if…I mean, is that something you still want or…."

"Of course, all I want is a chance!" She practically screams.

"Well, I've made a bit of a mess with this…but I'd like to start again with you. And I don't know, maybe after the fight if you're not busy, I could take you on a date, like a real date."

Her face lit up, melting my heart. "I'd love to go on a date with you."

"I can't promise it'll be anything worth bragging about, I've no idea what I'm doing, but I want to try. At least then, I know I didn't just walk away from what I could have possibly had with you. Because I do really like you, Lexa. A lot!" I know in my heart that she is something special. I've never lain in bed thinking about another woman or man, for that matter. Just her kisses, her lips are enough for me to know that I want more. So I lean in and brush my lips across hers lightly and ask, "Are you okay?"

"Um…yeah, just confused as to why you were going to wait to tell me all of this, and if this is how you really feel, why did you say those things earlier?"

"I don't know. I didn't want to get in the way of your concentration on the fight. I mean, after you saved me today, everything changed. I knew then that I needed to forget my fear of you breaking my heart because if I let the fear win, I would never know if we could have something more. I just didn't think the timing was right, you know. And the other stuff was exactly what I said earlier. I was embarrassed talking about us in front of Ash. I will do everything I can to show you that I want something real with you, Lexa. And maybe in time, if this doesn't all go wrong and you don't come to resent me for whatever reason, I will have everything with you. This isn't the life I usually live, you know that and I don't have the money or nice things that you have…but I don't think that stuff matters long term."

She grabs both of my hands and looks me straight in the eyes, "None of that matters to me. I promise you that. You know me, I came from nothing, and as long as I have you by my side…well, nothing else matters to me."

"I know! I just hope you don't come to regret being with me."

She squints her eyes, "Why would I?"

"I don't know because of Finn or the fact that I get it in my head that I'm not worthy. You could always find someone different, someone better, and then realize that you've made the biggest mistake of your life being with me. I never want you to feel that way, so as long as you are honest with me, it'll be okay if that time comes. At least I had you for a while."

"Ya Amar, believe me when I tell you that you are the only woman on my mind. Constantly, every minute of the day."

I smile, "Yeah?"

"Very much so, without a doubt."

"Well, that makes me feel better."

She brushes a stray, blonde curl from my cheek. "So, we do this together, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Really? We're doing this?"

I can't help laughing at her smiling face. "Yes, we are doing this! Just…can we…maybe wait until after the fight to tell everyone? I want you to focus on the fight and not get hurt."

"Absolutely, anything for you. But you need to know it's going to be hard for me to keep my hands off of you now that I know you are with me."

She leans in, kissing my lips, and once again, it's incredible. I start running my hands up Lexa's sides, then through her hair. Before I know it, I am straddling her on the couch. She's just smiling up at me with her hands on my hips, waiting on me to make a move. I graze my fingers lightly down her tight abs and capture her lips in another scorching kiss. This time when I pull back, I'm torn on whether to continue or put the brakes on. I know that I want this more than anything, but we have time, and I want to do this right. Plus, I just don't think I'm quite ready. I'm still very sore from the attack by Finn and….

She sits up, placing me in her lap, her hands never leaving my hips. It is like she can read my mind. "Clarke, I want you more than anything right now, but we have plenty of time. Besides, Asher is in the next room, and he will be up bright and early in the morning, so why don't you get ready for bed and then come snuggle with me."

I lean in and kiss her lips one more time before I get up and head to the bathroom for a long cold shower. The fact that she doesn't mention the attack makes me fall a little more in love with her. What? Did I really just think that! Am I…in love with her already?