Author's comments: What I love about the character of Olivia Benson is that there's just so much rich history and backstory to work with. There's definitely an arc to her character development, and this story is intended to take her to the next step in her personal growth.

Story of My Life

Chapter Five

Part One

Olivia opened her eyes, and at first she was shocked that she could move her hands. Then she stretched out, noticing she was no longer in the hotel room, and remembered what had happened with the doctor. Parts of it, at least.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes so she could see more clearly, and now she spotted Amanda passed out in the chair next to her bed. She sat up and looked down at her own hands, and she knew that everything she'd been through hadn't just been a nightmare, because there were bright red marks around her wrists where the restraints had been.

Trying to recall as much of the last day as she could, and then sunk back down into the bed when the pieces came together. "Oh, God," she whispered to herself, shutting her eyes to lock out the terrifying images of her hallucinations.

Amanda must have been sleeping lightly, because she stirred. "Liv? You okay?"

Olivia wanted nothing more than to burrow down under the covers and stay there forever. But in a moment of bravery, she opened her eyes and confronted her own humiliating actions. "Yeah. Fine." Amanda got up to pour her some water. "Just embarrassed."

Amanda didn't react, just handed her the plastic cup. Olivia's hospital bracelets scraped against it as she brought it to her lips. Amanda sat down again before addressing Olivia. "How much do you remember?"

Olivia threw her hand over her face. "I was running from someone. Someone who wasn't there. I think I kicked the doctor."

Amanda grabbed her free hand. "It's okay, Liv. The doctor understands."

A voice at the door said, "She does. I just talked to her."

Olivia looked up to find Dr. Lindstrom just inside the door. "Peter."

She didn't know what else to say, but just seeing him made her want to cry. He handed her a tissue. "It's okay, Liv. I know this is all overwhelming. I don't want to add to that, but she had called me after your episode last night. I waited until the sedative had time to wear off. Is this a good time?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

Amanda stood to leave, but Olivia grabbed her arm. She needed a friend to lean on right now.

Dr. Lindstrom sat on the edge of her bed cautiously, watching her expression. This is what she hated about being a victim—everyone tip-toing around like you were breakable.

"We don't have to talk about what happened with Clark now, if you don't feel up to it." She nodded her agreement. "Right now, I'm concerned about your mental health. So do you think that what happened last night was from the drugs he gave you?"

"Yeah." Her voice was soft, but that's how she felt—soft and squishy, moldable, easy to manipulate. She hated to admit it, but fragile. "I know it was. He gave me something every day I was there, something to make me hallucinate."

He touched her arm, but that was okay. He was one of the few men she could never fear. "You are right. They ran a tox screen and found MDMA in your system. Did he give you something yesterday?"

"Yeah. I think it was in the morning. I was starting to come down when Amanda found me."

She flushed from the memory. Amanda had seen the full extent of Clark's denigration of her, and after that, her dignity was shattered. As if Amanda could read her mind, she squeezed Olivia's hand. Dr. Lindstrom looked as if he was doing some mental calculations. "You should have probably come down by then, but maybe there was some residuals of the drug still in your system. How do you feel now?"
She sighed and closed her eyes, and he clarified. "I mean, do you see anything out of the ordinary?"

"No." She wasn't lying. Usually she could tell when she was hallucinating, even when she was in the midst of it. There was some part of her that stayed in touch with reality enough to know that none of it was real, no matter how terrifying it was.

"Okay, then." He stood. "I'm going to give the green light for you to go home. But you need to have someone with you at all times at first. And I want to schedule a time to talk to you within the next few days, okay?"

She gave him a weak smile, and he patted her arm. "Okay, Doc."

When he'd left, Amanda said, "Elliot wanted me to tell you that he stopped by last night, when you were sedated." Olivia nodded. She was actually relieved that she hadn't had to see him in that state. Amanda continued, "He said he'd check in on you later."

"Okay." Typical. He wasn't much for hanging out with people in hospitals.

Amanda seemed hesitant, but said, "Liv, I hope you don't get mad about this, but the ER doctor went ahead and did the rape kit while you were out. She asked me, and I said I thought you'd rather not be awake for most of it."

Olivia pursed her lips. "Actually, I'm glad you said that. After—" She shook her head. "I really didn't want to go through with all that. How's your arm?"

Amanda looked down at the bandage and said, "Bullet didn't penetrate very far. It hurt, but it's just a flesh wound."

Amanda's thumb caressed the crook of Olivia's hand. Olivia started to ask her something, but she stopped, because she wasn't sure she felt up for this yet. But another part of her just wanted to get it over with, and if she didn't do it now, she might never get up the courage.

"What is it, Liv?"

"I was wondering…could you be the one to take my statement?"

The space before she answered nearly killed Olivia, but thankfully it was over soon enough. "I—I don't know, Liv. Are you sure you want me to do it? I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't mind at all. It's just that…it's so personal, and you and I work together."

Olivia recoiled at her reaction, clutching the flimsy sheets in her weak fist. "I, um…I don't think I can face anyone else."

Amanda moved closer, from the chair to the side of the bed, and gripped Olivia by the shoulder. "Liv, you have nothing to be ashamed of. This happened to you, not because of anything you did."

Olivia pursed her lips. "Yeah, I did do something wrong."

"What, you mean because you got caught? Liv, there's no way you could have seen this coming."

"C'mon, Amanda, even you noticed that he was overly attentive to me."

But Amanda shook her head vigorously. "No, Liv. I'm not going to let you blame this on yourself. Neither of us thought he was going to be a psychopath. So blame me too."

Olivia shook her head now too. "You know what, nevermind. I'm not going to get into this now. But I just—I also don't want to be seen as a victim, you know? It was hard enough the last time."

Amanda grew silent. Then she said, "Yeah, I get it." She squeezed Olivia's arm. "And yeah, I'll take your statement. Of course I will. Whatever you want, Liv."

Part Two

"So he somehow slipped something in your drink in the bar?"

They had decided to do this right here in the hospital room, because Olivia had said she just wanted to get it over with and not have to dread it anymore. Amanda didn't blame her, there was an endless mountain of recovery that went with being a rape victim. Her attacker was still alive, unfortunately, so there might be a trial, and there was the worry about whether he would walk free under some stupid civil rights violation.

Amanda didn't understand why Fin, of all people, hadn't just shot him in the head. But she couldn't fault Fin without kicking her own self in the ass—she had just as much of an opportunity to take him down.

Olivia answered now. "Yeah, he must have done it when I was texting Lucy. I can't think of any other chance he would have had."

Amanda nodded, watching Olivia's face, but looking down regularly at her notes so she didn't appear to stare. For something so horrific to happen to someone as remarkable as Olivia made it feel like the world had turned upside down. "Go on."

"When I woke up, I was shackled to the bed, and I was already in the stupid red dress."

Amanda gripped the pen harder to keep her hand from shaking, trying to rid herself of the image of the ripped, wrinkled garment on Olivia's long, elegant frame, crumpled onto a bed-bug ridden two dollar mattress. Olivia had stopped. "It's okay, go on."

"I didn't see when he slipped me the ecstacy. But I started feeling…trippy, you know?"

Amanda nodded. She had played around with hallucinogens in college, and she'd felt the effects of them while working a case a few months ago. When you were completely out of it, the real world hidden from view, it could make everyday experiences terrifying. She trembled at the thought of what Olivia had lived through.

"He waited for the drugs to kick in." Olivia stared down at her hands, where her fingers restlessly fidgeted with one another. "That's when he…"

She stared out the window, a tear making a lazy path down her cheek. Amanda didn't know whether to prompt her or give her time, but she suddenly said, "He raped me."

Amanda had known what had happened—hell, she'd been a witness to it. But hearing the words sent ugly shudders through her body. She glimpsed Olivia's hands again, and they were shaking as well. She could barely find her voice, but when she did, she kept it quiet as possible, as if that one kind action would stop Olivia from bursting out of bed and hurling herself through the nearest window. "How—how many times, Liv?"

Olivia brushed away a tear. "I don't know. Eight. Ten, maybe? It seemed like it never ended. As soon as I was coming down, he'd give me more drugs, and we'd start again."

Olivia's nose crinkled, and she started pushing the sheets off her. "I have to go take a shower."

Amanda stopped her with a hand on her arm. "No, wait." Olivia froze. "I know you want nothing more than to wash all that filth off you, Liv, and you deserve it. Besides, they have all the evidence they need. But let's just finish this, okay? Don't you just want to get it over with?"

Olivia sat back in the bed and brushed a strand of hair away from her dark eyes. What had those eyes seen? "I don't know what else to tell you," she said. "Except that the drugs made everything so much worse. I can't even describe—things crawling on me, strange…beings invading my body."

Amanda went numb from the waste down thinking about it. She tried to change the subject, but it wasn't any more pleasant. "Did he do anything else to you? Hit you?"

To Amanda's dismay, she nodded. "Yeah." Olivia wiped her face. "He would get mad, especially if I made noise. So I tried not to."

Amanda recoiled at the thought of him laying hands on this dignified woman in front of her. She was a captain, and had made it to that rank through sheer intelligence, hard work, and confidence. For a low-life like Clark to disgrace her in that way just showed how inferior he felt to her. He never would have been able to get her any other way.

"But you did. Make noise, that is. That's how I found you. One of the maids said she'd heard someone shout out."

Olivia blinked, apparently reliving that day. "Yeah, I did. He was—" She stopped to bite her lip. "He was hurting me so bad that I yelled out. "And he punched me after that."

Amanda looked at one of the many bruises and red spots on Olivia's face, and wondered if that was the one. What did it matter? She was sure each strike had taken its toll. Right now, she wanted nothing more than to reach out and gently stroke that cheek, possibly soothe some of the sting of that memory. But she knew that the last thing a victim wanted was to be touched, and so she gingerly helped Olivia out of the bed instead. "Let's go get you in that shower."

Olivia halted in her tracks and turned to Amanda. "You saved me, Amanda. If it hadn't been for all your hard work, I may have never made it out of there. Thank you."

Amanda wanted to brush aside the compliments, tell her that they'd all worked hard, that if she hadn't fucked up when she did get inside the hotel room, Clark wouldn't have gotten to her one last time. But instead, she accepted Olivia into her arms when she pressed into her for a hug, and stroked her hair until she was ready to take the next step toward getting home.

Part Three

The hot water pummeled Olivia's skin and she barely noticed. Why was she still shivering? She turned the knob and made it even hotter until steam evaporated off her beet-red skin. No amount of scouring would ever erase the sweaty feel of his flesh off her. She had been in for a long time—she'd better get out before Amanda got worried.

The towels were too small, and she used two. She had to carefully grip the walls as she stepped out, because her legs were weak from disuse and she felt like she could crumple to the floor at any moment. She got out and stared at herself in the mirror, towels barely covering her torso. She lowered one just enough to see the massive bruising on the fleshiest parts of her breast, and then quickly covered it up again.

Frozen by the image of her own conquered body, she stood there, trance-like, feeling nothing but numbness. Had this really happened to her? The entire week had seemed like a mass hallucination—maybe the assaults were too. But before her stood the evidence—black, blue, red painting her body and her face, bloody scabs where he'd hit too hard.

And then there was the hidden evidence.

She covered her face, not wanting to see herself anymore. The reflection sickened her—someone who had sniveled and bowed to a man's every sadistic need. But her insides were even worse than the image of her abused skin. It was like a cancer was growing in all her organs, eating her up like a parasite. She just wanted to be rid of it, her body. Give it to someone else to burden.

She started crying, gently at first, but snowballing into a barrage of sobs that shook her shoulders. Amanda must have heard her, because she was knocking on the door. "Liv, you okay?"

Olivia didn't respond, because to do so would be to give away the extent to which she was falling apart. Instead, she tried to hastily pull on a bath robe with her shaking hands.

Amanda didn't give up, and knocked again, more forcefully this time. "Liv? I don't want to intrude, but I have to know you're okay."

With her bathrobe fully on, Olivia opened the door and turned away abruptly to avoid facing the pity in Amanda's eyes. But she couldn't stop crying, and she put her hand over her face.

Amanda just stood for a moment, dumfounded. Then she said, "Can I…hug you?"

Olivia nodded through her tears and turned, burying her head in Amanda's welcoming shoulder. Amanda's tender hand touched her hair, and she whispered, "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm so sorry."

It wasn't enough to lift the weight on Olivia's heart, but it was all she had, and she absorbed the tenderness in Amanda's fingers as if drinking water in the desert.

Part Four

Amanda had agreed to stay with Olivia at her apartment while she recovered, and her mother had brought Noah back for their reunification. It was a little awkward when they first walked in, because Olivia had said she was nervous about Noah's reaction. But as soon as the door opened, all of those reservations went out the window when he ran to her.

"Mom!"

He threw his arms around her neck, and she lowered herself to his level to receive him. "Oh, Noah, I missed you so much!"

Tears streamed down her face as she clutched her son. But then he had questions, as children do. "Why did you leave without saying goodbye?"

She brushed his hair from his face and said, "I'm sorry, Noah. There was nothing I could do about that, okay? I'll tell you all about it later."

He nodded and smiled, but he didn't want to let go of her hand. Nobody had told him what had happened to her or where she was. Fin had tried to make a game of it and said she was on a "secret mission", and that he would let her tell Noah personally where she'd been when she got back. Nobody had a back-up plan in case she never returned.

Amanda's mother left, and Noah and Olivia curled up on the couch to watch television while Amanda rummaged through Olivia's cupboards to scrounge up some dinner. In the end, she came up empty-handed and decided to order something instead. As she went to find her phone, someone buzzed from the intercom. It was Elliot.

"Let him in," said Olivia.

Amanda did, but she held a hushed conversation with him before he joined Olivia in the living room. "You remember what I said happened last night?" He nodded. She continued. "She should be fine, but be careful, Elliot. Nothing too heavy, understand?"

"Yeah, I got it, Amanda."

She didn't like the condescending way he scowled at her, but she was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, for Olivia's sake. "I was about to order dinner, but if you don't mind hanging out for a moment, I can go out and grab something down the street."

"It's fine," he said, unable to stop glancing at Olivia. "Go."

Amanda tried to hurry, rushing into a Chinese place to grab a few things. Even though she knew Elliot was safe, somehow she felt that the only way to fully protect Olivia was to be there by her side at all times. She didn't know why she didn't think anyone else could "get" Olivia the way she did—maybe because they had both been victims. She reprimanded herself for being so over-protective. Elliot had known Olivia longer than anyone. Surely his presence would have a calming effect on her.

As she approached the door to Olivia's apartment, she heard a female yelling, and the hairs on the back of her neck stood at attention. She ran to the door, and as she suspected, the yelling was coming from inside, and it was Olivia's voice. She fumbled with the keys, and then she couldn't get the damn thing in the keyhole, but finally she was able to open the door.

Oh my God, she thought, taking in the scene before her. Olivia was standing in the kitchen, yelling, "Get away!"

In her hand was a butcher knife, with the point brandished in Elliot's direction. But Elliot was already standing back several feet, giving her plenty of room. Amanda could tell he was ready to pounce any moment to take the knife from her. Noah was cowering in the living room, crouching behind the couch, frantically yelling, "Mom! Mom, stop!"

Olivia glanced at him. "It's okay, Noah, I'll protect you! Go hide in your room!"

Elliot tried his best to calm her. "It's me, Liv. It's El."

She waved the knife and lowered her stance like she was getting ready to charge him. "I said back off!"

"Liv, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you," he said calmly.

Amanda dropped the bags of food on the table and said, "Liv, it's Amanda. I'm here. Everything is fine."

Olivia slowly shook her head, and Amanda could now see that her cheeks were wet from tears. "No, Amanda. You need to get out of here. He's going to hurt us."

She hadn't taken her eyes off Elliot, and now she lunged at him, shoving the knife in his direction as she did. He grabbed her wrist and re-directed her weight, sending her off balance. Before she could fall, he snatched the knife from her hand, and then she went all the way down and recovered enough to scurry into a corner.

Amanda cautiously approached her now, squatting down to her level. Just like at the hospital, she curled up into the corner and stared at unseen dangers over her head. "It's Amanda, Liv. Everything's fine. You're safe."

Thankfully, Elliot knew better than to try and approach her, and he hung back and allowed Amanda to calm her. Amanda took a chance and reached out to touch Olivia's hand. Olivia stared off at the ceiling, acting as if she didn't see Amanda, but she responded to Amanda's touch by holding out her hand, palm up, and Amanda put her palm against it. "That's right," she said, not expecting a response. "I'm here. You're safe. Nobody's going to hurt you."

Then Olivia's head jolted, and she made sudden eye contact with Amanda, who took advantage of the opening. "Liv? You with me?"

"Yeah." Olivia nodded curtly. "I'm sorry. So sorry. What have I done?"

Now that she knew Liv was in her right mind again, Amanda squeezed her arm, and Olivia leaned forward and folded herself into Amanda's arms. "Shh," Amanda said. "Everything's going to fine."

But now she wasn't so sure, because the drugs were surely out of Olivia's system by now, which meant the mental problems she was having went much deeper than any of them had realized.