Author's comments: I forgot to say Happy 4th yesterday. So happy 5th! Hope everyone had a good time, stayed safe, and enjoyed themselves.

It's getting real now. I like this chapter; hopefully you will too.

Story of My Life

Chapter Seven

Part One

Amanda watched Olivia as she stood in the doorway to her room, one hand on either side of the frame. She couldn't see Liv's face from behind her, but she could sense the aura of awe wafting from her. What it must be like in Olivia's head right now. Probably miss-matched to the grace in her stance. Her long legs held her with flexibility yet assuredness, and yet Amanda knew they were ready to sprint out of here at the first hint of danger. She reminded Amanda of a deer.

But hunters shot deer.

"C'mon, Liv, let's go in. You must be exhausted."

Liv turned her head to the side, and now Amanda could see her profile. She was hiding her terror well in her half-lidded eyes. Liv pushed forward though, bravely defeating the ghosts of her recent past with a full stride. Amanda didn't want her to think that she was babying her, so she just sat on the bed and watched while Olivia pulled out of a small bag a pair of silk pajamas, a toothbrush, and a comb. It would take forever to get that through her thick head of hair, but she wasn't allowed a brush.

"Let me know if you need anything else, Liv. I'll bring it next time."

"Can't have much," Liv said, brushing by her and into the bathroom.

"Yeah I get it," Amanda yelled through the closed door, less to make conversation and more to get a response so she knew everything was okay in there. She recalled the last bathroom incident.

Now she looked down at her own unsteady hands. Before he left, Dr. Lindstrom had pulled her aside, out of range of Olivia's hearing. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm…I'm fine, why?"

"This can't be easy for you. First, you spend a week searching for your friend, then you find her…"

"Look, Doc, I'm not the one who went through it."

"Yeah, but you experienced trauma too, Amanda. Don't downplay it."

"It's nothing compared to what she went through," she said, gesturing toward Olivia's room.

"C'mon Amanda. I know you want to help her, but you have to admit—you were shot, handcuffed, hit over the head, forced to watch—"

"Okay, you know what?" She threw up her hands. "This isn't a therapy session for me."

"It's not meant to be, Amanda. I'm just thinking you won't be much help to her if you don't address what happened to you and get some help for it."

She was tired, and he was probably right, so she said, "I'll at least consider it, okay Doc?"

"That'll have to be good enough."

After he'd left, she had vowed to make a mental note—GET HELP. Somebody should just plaster it everywhere she looked, because she'd heard it enough over the years.

Olivia came out now, sooner than Amanda expected, dressed in PJ's, smelling minty. She sat down next to Amanda and tried to work the too-small comb through deep locks of hair. Finally she handed the comb to Amanda. "Can you…? Sorry. I'm just so tired."

"No, it's fine, Liv."

She took the comb from Olivia and began to untangle each strand until it was silky once more. Amanda had always admired Olivia's hair—it looked like it belonged on a queen, but up close and personal, it was soft and pliable and felt like flower petals in her hands.

She noticed that Olivia hadn't talked at all since they got in the room, but what could she say to someone in Liv's position? To suck it up and get over it? It's all going to be okay? The usual tripes sounded hollow and impersonal, and the last thing she wanted to do was force Liv to talk about disturbing personal matters.

But Olivia was obviously on the verge of something deeper, lost in some tragic play where the hero just doesn't quite make it. Her eyes stared hollowly into distant stories, her lips pouting slightly. "Liv, you okay?"

She expected the usual reply—"I'm fine," but instead she was met with silence, at least for the moment. But her lips began to move, and Amanda knew that whatever she was about to say was hard.

"I'm never going back to SVU."

Amanda couldn't help herself—she placed a hand on Olivia's neck. "Oh, Liv, don't talk like that."

Olivia turned her face to Amanda's. "But it's true. I can't go back to work like this, and it's probably going to take several years to recover, if everything—"

"Uh-uh." Amanda made sure Olivia could hear the resolution in her voice. "No. Don't even think like that. You are Olivia-fucking-Benson. You can't just walk away that easy. Take time out, yes. But don't give up. Don't you dare give up on living the life you want."

Olivia licked a tear from her lip. "I wish it was that simple. I'm just facing reality. I can't even get through one day."

Amanda thumbed away another tear from Olivia's cheek, and then she yanked her hand away, struck with the realization that she was overstepping several different kinds of boundaries. But Olivia didn't mention it, and Amanda said, "This just happened, Liv. You know more than anyone that it takes time to heal."

"Right. Whenever healing starts, and I don't know how that's even going to happen when I'm having intense, uncontrollable hallucinations."

Amanda didn't want to discourage Olivia, but she had the same worries. This would be an enormous amount of mental stress on the average person, and Amanda didn't know that she would have survived something like this herself. But she had to hide her most pessimistic outlook, because Olivia needed something to keep her afloat right now.

So she sighed and said, "I get it. I do. But you have to at least hold out hope."

Olivia half-smiled and gripped Amanda's fingers. "I'm going to try my hardest, as long as I can."

"That's all I can ask."

Olivia's eyes were starting to droop, and Amanda said, "You want to lay down, Liv?"

Olivia nodded, and Amanda stood so Liv could put her feet up and pull the sheets up to her armpit. Amanda held out her hand, and Olivia took it in hers. She lay still and stared up at Amanda with hesitant eyes. "You okay, Liv?"

Olivia licked her lips and said, "This is going to sound crazy."

And then they both laughed at the pun, and the tension in the room turned from hard butter to whipped cream. "Seriously," Olivia said. "I have something to ask you."

Amanda could barely breathe, her heart was pounding so fast, and every tiny hair on her arms perked up. "What is it?"

Olivia shook her head, which was already half-buried in the pillow. "No, this is silly."

Amanda tried to disarm her with a smile. "C'mon, what?"

"Would you…mind just lying next to me? Just until I get to sleep?"

Amanda tried not to look too sheepish. "Sure. No problem."

Olivia immediately began to squirm. "I feel foolish," she said as she moved over to make room for Amanda.

"Hey," Amanda said, sliding in behind her. "It's okay, Liv. I get it."

"You know, you really need to stop being so understanding."

Amanda giggled, and thought this might be the light-hearted she had seen Liv since before Clark got ahold of her. She slid an arm over Olivia's side. "Is this okay? There's not much room."

"Yeah." Olivia touched her hand. "It's good. Thank you."

Amanda tried to lie as still as possible, worrying that any movement might be misconstrued. She wasn't sure how she felt about this arrangement. She knew she should feel like she was just doing a favor for a friend, and she should feel little uncomfortable about snuggling up to her superior officer. But as much as she hated to admit it, she felt giddy as shit.

Do I have a crush…on Olivia? There, she thought it. Right out in the open, in her own mind. She tried to brush it off. Stop that. You know you can't go there. It's wrong in so many ways.

But each quickening heartbeat was a confession about how she really felt. And as she had learned often, there was no hiding your emotions, because if you did, they turned up later, five times stronger. She couldn't tell Olivia any of this, of course, but there was no hiding it from herself.

She had a sudden urge to kiss the back of Olivia's head, but she resisted. Really all she wanted right now was to help Liv feel better, and it was hard to get a read on what would throw her into another tailspin. But to Amanda's surprise, Liv ran her thumb over Amanda's hand, and she kept it up for a while before she lay completely still. By the deepening of her breath, Amanda could tell that she was now asleep.

Knowing that it was close to lights out, she started to slip out of bed. But she only made it to sitting before a staff member came in and quickly approached her. The nurse whispered, "I'm one of the night nurses. It's just a skeleton crew tonight. We're not supposed to do this, but we're all on until morning, and we agreed that if it will help her sleep through the night, you can stay."

Amanda stared at her, wide-eyed, but eventually said, "Uh, o-okay."

She settled back in next to Olivia and thought about what the nurse had said. They were afraid of her, afraid of getting hurt by her, or having to restrain her in the middle of the night. But Amanda wasn't going to stand on principle if it meant getting to spend the night next to Olivia's warmth.

And so she got comfortable once more, and thankfully, all the commotion hadn't aroused Olivia from her sleep. Amanda took in the smell of her hair while she drifted off herself. It had been a bizarre night, for sure, but at least it had ended like this—wrapped up in Olivia.

She drifted off to sleep, but her bliss didn't make it through the full night. Somewhere in the early hours of the morning, when it was still dark, something jolted her awake. It took a few seconds to orient herself and realize that the bed was shaking. And then she knew that it wasn't the bed, but Olivia. She was shivering hard, her entire body wracked in quakes of uncontrollable spasms.

Amanda sat up on one elbow and touched Liv's shoulder. "You okay, Liv?"

"Y-yeah," she stuttered. "Just so cold."

"Okay." Amanda pulled the sheets and bedspread up around Olivia's shoulders. "Let's get you warmed up."

She rubbed Olivia's arm vigorously to give her some body heat. But she could tell that this was more than just a chill. This is what Clark had done to her—turned her into a quivering mess who was woken at odd times of the night by her own terror. Amanda kept up her campaign to warm Olivia by massaging her arm, and at times, she caressed her hair too, to help calm her frazzled nerves. Olivia didn't protest, and eventually the chills diminished, but they didn't fully subside until nearly sunrise. By that time, Liv was asleep again, and Amanda breathed into her hair, weary from pondering the amount of damage one man could do to a woman.

Part 2.

"Olivia, you're looking better today."

She managed to make eye contact with Dr. Lindstrom, although that one action was a perpetual struggle lately. She didn't feel any better. In fact, she had to fight from drooling because of all the meds she was on, and it seemed like she was walking through water. "Thanks. I'm just so sluggish."

"I know. It's from the meds. You'll get used to them eventually."

He waved her to a comfortable chair, and she sat down while recalling her night so she could give him a progress report. She wasn't going to tell him her secret—that Amanda had stayed the night with her, enveloping her in the safety of her body. He might not approve.

But she wasn't sorry. It had been enormously comforting this morning to wake to Amanda's slender yet strong arm around her, keeping her secure. Olivia had shown her gratitude this morning by rolling over and facing her in the bed, instead of getting up straightaway. It was just a twin mattress, so there was no space between them, but Olivia didn't want space right now. She only wanted to be contained in the warm, trustworthy vessel of Amanda's presence.

Only inches from Amanda's face, Olivia had looked her straight in the eyes and said, "Thank you, Amanda. You have no idea how much it means to me—"

"Shh…" Amanda had held a finger to her lips. "I didn't mind at all. Whatever you need, Liv."

Olivia had a sudden urge, and she couldn't stop herself from bringing a hand to the side of Amanda's face and gently caressing her hair. Maybe it was inappropriate, but this was what she had needed now—the tender touch of a human she knew would never hurt her, never force her into unwanted contact.

Amanda had responded by closing her eyes, and she looked as if she was soaking up the feel of Olivia's fingers with the same spike of pleasure that was coursing through Olivia's veins. But the prolonged touch must have made Amanda uncomfortable eventually, because she'd opened her eyes and said softly, "You ready to get up? I probably need to get out of here before the next shift comes in. I don't think the night staff was supposed to let me stay."

Olivia quickly withdrew her hand, chastising herself for overstepping unspoken limits. But Amanda reassured her by taking her hand and kissing it. Before Olivia could apologize, Amanda had sat up and looked around for her shoes.

"Amanda?"

Turning to face her, Amanda said, "Yeah?"

"Come back later?"

Amanda shot her a look that said, Of course, what else did you expect? She said, "You bet," and then she was gone, way too soon.

Dr. Lindstrom had showed up shortly after Olivia had gotten dressed and eaten, and now they were in a room that was reserved for therapy sessions. Now that Amanda was gone, Liv felt as if she was going through withdrawal from a drug. But at least she'd made it through breakfast without stabbing anyone, although the staff who'd served her had eyed her anxiously as if they didn't know what to expect.

Dr. Lindstrom's voice brought her out of her trance. "No episodes?"

"No. Thank God."

He could have sat down behind the desk, but he chose the rolling office chair instead, directly facing her. "Good. Hopefully the meds are helping, even if they're dulling your senses a little."

She nodded, and then sat in silence, not knowing where to begin. How to even start to unravel the chaotic mess of her own psyche? She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," she said, swiping a tear from the corner of her eye before it could get started. "I'm just wondering…why the hell does this keep happening to me?"

"Do you mean…why do you keep getting abducted?"

She nodded. "But more than that. Why do I always seem to become a victim?" She buried her hands in between her knees. "And I'm not just talking about what happened with Lewis, or with Clark. I mean, my whole life…starting with my alcoholic mom and my rapist dad, to that time in the prison, to all the times I've been taken hostage—"

"Now wait, Olivia. Wouldn't you admit that some small part of that is you throwing yourself full force into your job? You chose to insert into a few of those situations. And I'm not saying any of it was your fault—"

"Of course not."

"But before you decide that the entire world is out to get you, at least recognize that you've chosen a career that puts you into dangerous situations."

She couldn't look at him anymore, her cheeks pinking up at the thought of all the men who had forced their hands onto her. "But it doesn't seem to matter, because there were just as many times when events were thrust on me, and it seems like nothing I could have done would have stopped them."

"You're right." He shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "Why do you think bad things keep happening to you?"

She shook her head and stared at a picture on the wall of a young girl flying a kite. She wished she could be that little girl—innocent, naïve of the dangers of the world. Had she ever felt that way—safe and content? She doubted it. There was too much violence in her home when she was that young, and she couldn't remember a time when she hadn't been wary of her surroundings, expecting the next outburst.

"I wish I knew," she finally answered.

"I have a theory," Dr. Lindstrom said. "You're a strong woman, in a hierarchical, male-dominated world. Men get intimidated by women of your fortitude. They feel they have to exert their power, take women down a notch, otherwise they might lose their place at the top of the totem pole."

Her gaze snapped back to him. "Is that what Clark did? Seems to me he was mentally deranged, and he'll probably get off on an insanity plea."

"Oh, no." Dr. Lindstrom vigorously shook his head. "He doesn't get off the hook that easy, at least not morally. Make no mistake about it, Olivia. What he did wasn't because of some mental defect. It was a direct result of his feelings of entitlement, which I'm sure were encouraged by his environment and society at a young age. He thought he deserved a woman, and that he had every right to take one when they wouldn't voluntarily give themselves to him."

"Are you saying blame society?"

"No, I'm saying that in order to change things, we have to acknowledge where we are." While she was contemplating what he'd just said, he continued. "I just don't want you to blame yourself, Liv. Because this isn't about you, or anything you've supposedly done wrong. You're just the target of men who think a woman shouldn't have your level of power. Never let them win."

She swallowed hard, suddenly feeling very weak. "I wish I could take your advice, Peter. But I'm afraid it may be too late. They may have already won."