Author's comments: You know, I do this for the fun of it, but it's icing on the cake that people read and get into the story. Thanks for being a part of my insane inner world. And thanks for the awesome reviews! Someone commented that this must be hard to write. I actually come to life writing it. The subjects are hard, the scenes disturbing, but it's very cathartic having control over the story. Or maybe I just have a sadistic streak…who's to say?

Just don't let Julie Martin see this one—she might get ideas, lol.

Story of My Life

Chapter Eight

Part One

"So, no incidents yet, and it's almost dinner time. That's great!"

Amanda and Olivia sat so close to each other on the couch in the common area that their knees almost touched. "Yeah," Olivia said. "Great."

It was hard for her to match Amanda's enthusiasm, because even though she hadn't had any hallucinations yet today, she always felt like she was on the verge of a breakdown of epic proportions. And anyway, she still had to deal with the memories of what had happened, and that set her perpetually on edge.

"I get trails still," she said. "But I haven't seen anything that wasn't there. And I haven't jumped at any loud noises."

Amanda rubbed her hand. "I'm so glad to hear it, Liv."

They got caught up for a while, and then Amanda said, "Oh, yeah, and I ran into Elliot. He said he was going to stop by today."

"Did he say when?"

"No."

Elliot. She hadn't forgotten about him. She was just so used to not having him nearby that she hadn't even remembered he was in the area. Maybe it was best if he stayed away for now. As usual, their relationship was complicated, and she couldn't deal with a letdown from him. But if he did make it, she wouldn't turn him away, either. No reason to go cold on him. He had meant so much to her, and he still did.

"Amanda?"

"Yeah?"

Olivia examined her hands. "I've decided you're right. I need to fight." She looked at Amanda through lowered eyes. "I need to try my hardest to get better, for my sake and for Noah's. So I'm going to throw myself one hundred percent into my recovery, and I'll try whatever it takes."

Historically, Amanda had many smiles. There was the sarcastic smirk, the fake grin, the "gotcha" smile that she reserved for times when she was happy to track down a perp. But Olivia's favorite smile was the one she bore right now, when she was feeling genuine joy…or love.

Amanda grabbed Olivia's folded hands in her own, a blush beginning to color her face. "I'm really relieved to hear that, Liv. I know it may not be easy, but I believe in you. You're strong."

Olivia gave her a Mona Lisa smile. "I hope you're right."

Amanda crinkled her nose. "Smells like…mustard."

"Yeah, they said they were making homemade honey mustard chicken for dinner. Part of the reason Dr. Lindstrom chose this place was because he knew the food was so good."

The smell wasn't unpleasant, but it brought up a vague memory that Olivia couldn't quite place at first. And then…there it was, a reminder of her fight to survive. That smell was a Clark smell.

She sat mesmerized in place, frozen by the image of him trying to get her to eat. "You can't starve that beautiful body. I don't go for that anorexic model shit," he said as he tried to shove a Bar-B-Q veggie burger inside her mouth. "C'mon. You used to love this meal."

She was tired and didn't have the energy to play the game anymore. "No, I never liked it. I never liked any of it."

He dug his fingers so hard into her cheeks that she was afraid he was going to break one of her teeth.

No, I'm not falling for this shit, she thought now, snapping herself back to the present.

"Amanda." She grabbed one wrist, gripping it tight enough to make Amanda squirm. "I'm seeing a lot of trails. Getting flashbacks."

When Olivia started panting, Amanda started talking fast, then slowing herself down so as not to panic Olivia even more than she was. She squeezed Olivia's hands, hard this time, even digging in a little with her fingernails. "You got this, girl. Just listen to the sound of my voice. You still with me?"

The certainty in Amanda's voice kept Olivia's attention and held her on the precipice of the present and the past. "I'm listening."

"Look at me." Olivia opened her eyes and made eye contact, but then broke it when she heard Clark say her name. "Look at me, Liv. Please," Amanda said, shaking her lightly.

A tear wetted Olivia's cheek, but she ignored it and made lasting eye contact this time. "I still see you."

"Good. Talk to me. Are you still seeing trails?"

"No, just hearing things now. Talking."

Amanda said, "Only listen to my voice, okay?" and Olivia shook her head to stay focused on her.

"I'm trying," she said through her tears.

Amanda put her hands on Olivia's cheeks, and Olivia followed her lead and put her hands on top of Amanda's. Then she only wanted to keep touching and touching Amanda's fingers, because the more she could maintain contact with a real live person, the more she could stay in touch with reality.

"What is…this?" Elliot's voice said, and at first Olivia thought it was a hallucination too.

But she quickly realized with one glance that Elliot was actually standing in the living room, watching her and Amanda. "What the…?" And then Olivia thought he must have realized how rude he sounded, because he removed the accusation from his tone. "What are you guys doing?"

"Shh!" Amanda said. She sighed and said, "I'll tell you in a minute, Stabler. Liv, are you okay now?"

"Yeah, I'm—I'm good now."

Amanda looked up at Elliot, and he jerked his chin to the side as if he could hide a signal to Amanda to speak to her privately. Probably realizing that he wasn't fooling anyone, he said to her, "Can I talk to you a minute?"

Amanda gave him a look that Olivia recognized as her guilty look—the same one she used to give Olivia when she was trying to lie her way out of trouble. The petite blonde stood and walked with him to the other side of the room, and Olivia watched as they fought over her.

She couldn't hear everything Amanda was saying because they spoke in hushed tones, but Elliot's voice carried. "What the hell are you doing, Rollins?"

Amanda mumbled to him, and he ran a hand over his head. "You sure that's a smart idea? Does the good doctor know what you guys are up to here?"

At this point, Amanda looked beyond incensed, and it was amazing how mean she could look when she thought she was absolutely right, which was often.

She must have won the argument, because he walked away from her and went back to Olivia. "Are you up for a visit?"

"Yeah. Of course."

He started to sit and then glanced at Amanda. "If that's okay with your guard dog." The glare that Amanda gave him was harsh enough to scare off a small child. It wasn't enough to dissuade Elliot, though, because he said to Amanda. "Do you mind?"

Olivia was not in the mood for Elliot's insensitivity. Before Amanda could turn away, Olivia scowled at him. "Don't patronize her, Elliot. Or me. Apologize to her."

For a moment, he flashed Olivia his most challenging look, but something in him broke, and he softened like a boy being scolded by his mother. "I'm—I'm sorry." He looked up at Amanda. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she said. "I'll give you two some time alone."

Olivia felt a sudden flash of guilt for snapping at him. As soon as Amanda was gone, she said, "I'm sorry, Elliot. I'm a little on edge."

"I get that," he said. "I heard that you've had a rough couple of days. I'm just worried about you."

She leaned against the edge of the couch and tucked her legs up under her body. A swirl of emotions whirled up inside her. It was humiliating enough to be in this place, but then to have Elliot witness her in the middle of an oncoming episode while Amanda tried to calm her down the only way she knew how, added a layer of shame that Olivia didn't want to face. He had no idea how close she was to the precipice of insanity right now.

"Well than you must also know that I almost slipped into a delusion a few minutes ago. And, as you witnessed yourself the other day, Amanda is sometimes able to bring me back to the real world."

"Okay," he said, but he didn't look convinced. "I'm sorry for getting pissy on her. I just feel like she's a little over-protective sometimes."

"Elliot, I may be a little crazy right now, but I can still speak for myself."

"Yes, Ma'am. I can see that."

There had been a change in their power dynamic since he had returned, and she knew they were both working through that. Sometimes he tried to push the boundaries, but she now outranked him, and so he had to concede that she was not that young partner he used to push around anymore.

"Liv, I know this isn't easy. I've been trying not to come around too much, because I didn't want to overwhelm you. But if there's anything you need, you just say the word. I'd do anything to help you right now."

"Thank you, El."

But she felt like something else had shifted between them too, because that same spark of elation she used to get from being around him was gone, at least for now. Maybe it was numbness from spending a week being assaulted by a psychopath, or just the sadness of knowing she may not ever be well enough to return to her job. She was still very raw.

But she sensed there was more to it, because she was more alive and more of herself when she was around Amanda. Perhaps she was picking up on his discomfort at being around her while she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Brian hadn't known how to react either, when she'd escaped Lewis. He'd been too helpful, too afraid to get close to her, like she might break if he whispered her name.

And of course, she had almost stabbed Elliot with a knife the last time they were alone.

She shifted in her seat. "I'm getting tired, El. I probably need to go lie down."

He stood and held out a hand to help her up. "That's fine. I'll let you…"

Amanda must have seen them getting up, because she reappeared. When Olivia didn't say anything to her, Elliot visibly bristled. "She's sticking around, huh?"

"Don't micromanage, Elliot," Olivia said sharply.

"Look, Stabler," Amanda said, posturing. "I don't know what your problem is with me, but Liv doesn't need the stress of your little jealous streaks right now."

Elliot pointed a finger in her chest. "Oh, but I guess she would fall apart without you there every second."

"Why don't you ask her?" Amanda shouted.

They had gotten so loud that a staff member came in to check on the situation. Olivia turned away from both of them and covered her face with her hand. "I don't need any of this right now. I'm seconds away from being in a padded room, and all you two can do is argue? I'm going to my room. Don't follow me."

They watched her walk away, and then she heard angry whispers being volleyed between them. She went in her room and threw herself on the bed, pulling a pillow over her head. The staff would be escorting both of them out right now, and she had to admit that Elliot was right. She couldn't go long without Amanda there—she was the one person who could hold Olivia together. Without her buttress, Olivia had no other choice but to let her growing grief out of the bottle and unleash a flood of tears into her pillow.

She cried so much that eventually, she was just shaking silently, because she had no more tears and was too tired anyway. After that, she just rocked and rocked for indeterminate blocks of time, staring at the walls. When she was completely still and the halls were quiet, she noticed the intricate pattern on the wall, and got lost in the swirls that curled in a certain way and blended into one another.

I am tripping. Right now.

The thought slammed her, because she had not noticed. And that was the most disturbing part of it—she had to confront the real possibility that she was going to lose complete touch of reality, and that scared the shit out of her.

Something in her snapped on like a light switch, and she looked up at the voice saying her name. "Liv?"

It was Amanda, her forehead wrinkled and her voice urgent. "Liv, can you hear my voice?"

"I'm here." Focus on her eyes. And so she did. "What happened, Amanda? I thought they made you leave."

Amanda never stopped gazing into Olivia's eyes, but her hand found Liv's shoulder. "They did," she said softly. "That was last night. It's noon the next day, Liv. They called me half an hour ago, said that they couldn't get you to respond."

Olivia perked up and rubbed her eyes, almost dropping back to sleep from exhaustion. "Seriously? I didn't even know I was asleep. Felt like I was awake the entire time."

Amanda looked on the verge of tears, and Olivia couldn't figure out why. And then she remembered what had happened the night before with Elliot and Amanda fighting. And suddenly she came crashing down from a cloud she hadn't known she'd been on, and hit the pavement with a thud.

Amanda must have noticed her sudden distress, because her expression softened and she said, "What's wrong, Liv?"

Olivia licked her dry lips and said, "Was a bad night."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

They just stared at one another for a few seconds, Amanda perched on the side of the bed, her hand on Olivia's head, helping her relax. Amanda's face started to crumple she said, "I'm so sorry, Liv. I shouldn't have—"

"No," Olivia rasped. "He was being a dick."

"Still, I shouldn't have taken the bait. I know better than to argue with him. And I know how much he means to you."

Olivia sat up on one elbow. "You mean a lot to me, Amanda."

Amanda froze, her gaze fixed. Without warning, she flopped down on the mattress next to Olivia and folded into her arms, and Olivia squeezed her tight, vowing to never let go of her again.

Part Two

Olivia chose the rear of the common area to have her session with Dr. Lindstrom, because it was quiet and sparsely-used, and because she could stand and stare out the picture window. It was the only place in the building where she could see out of more than a small opaque square.

And staring out the window gave her an excuse to stand, which made her feel more lucid.

"At least you didn't hallucinate something horrific this time, Olivia."

She watched a bird flit gleefully on a branch. "No, I just lay catatonic while staff tried to revive me into the living world."

"Touché."

"If anything, Doctor, I think it's getting worse."

"What makes you think that?"

"It's like I'm slipping from the real world into fantasy without even realizing it."

"That does sound concerning, Olivia, but let's not brush past the fact that you said you were feeling very depressed and lonely last night, and depression can cause people to zone out for long periods of time."

She threw him an eye-roll over her shoulder. "They couldn't even get eye contact from me, Peter."

"I know, Olivia. And I hear what you're saying. I'm worried too. But I don't want you to dive head-first into the idea that you're crazy. You're sitting here talking to me just like I was talking to the same Olivia from a month ago."

That drew her to sit down on the couch to face him. "I doubt that. But thank you for saying that. But that's part of the problem. Part of the time I walk around completely normal, but then the second something upsets me—"

"Have you noticed that? You have flashbacks when you're emotional about something?"

She nodded. "Especially last night."

"So, I'm just curious. What happened the night you went after Elliot with a knife?"

She froze, searching her memories for clues. "I…I don't know. I don't remember anything that would upset me."

"What do you remember?"

She opened her mouth to tell him, and then realized that she had nothing. "I was holding Noah on the couch. We were watching TV. Elliot came in, I was glad to see him. After, that…" She shook her head.

"Okay," he said tentatively.

"But it's okay, I'm sure it wasn't his fault. He wouldn't have done anything to send me into that kind of chaos." She had a sudden urge to change the subject. "I'm also worried that I'm getting a little too close to Amanda."

"I've been a little concerned about the same thing."

"You've noticed."

"You've relied on her a lot lately, and she's given you something you really need right now." Flutters beat gently in her belly. "But you're also very vulnerable, Olivia. I'd be cautious about getting yourself in too deep. Ultimately, your life, your choice."

How could he be so accepting of her feelings toward Amanda? The answer, she knew, was obvious—he was a gay man. But that meant…

"I think I'm bisexual." Dr. Lindstrom had to fight off a chuckle, but Olivia noticed. "What, you knew?"

"You didn't?" He hid his smile behind a hand. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I know that's a big admission to yourself."

"Well," she said, straightening a wrinkle in her joggers. "I had suspicions along the way."

"Right. But no matter what form love comes in, now is not a good time for you, Olivia."

She tugged on her ear. "I know. Plus, she's a subordinate officer."

His voice softened. "That adds a layer of complications."

"It does." Her fingers toyed with a strand of her hair. "But, like you said, I need her help, something I can't seem to get anywhere else."

She begged him for answers with her gaze. "So what do I do, Peter?"

He steepled his fingers in front of his lips, as if he knew the answer but was hesitant to give her spoilers. "I can't tell you that, Olivia. That's something you need to dig deep inside to figure out. But one step you could take that wouldn't hurt is to make it clear what your intentions are, because if she doesn't stand a chance, or you think you might not be able to handle it, you don't want her thinking that you just used her."

"You know I would never—"

"I know. But you need to decide if there is any chance you want to make things work. Otherwise, she's going to get hurt."

She sandwiched her nose in between her palms. "No matter what, I'm afraid somebody's going to get hurt. And maybe everyone."

"Which is why—" He shook his head. "It's not my place to say, Olivia. All I'm saying is, be very careful. You are not in a good place for any kind of drama."

"I know." She stared at the patterns in the rug under the sofa, trying not to get lost in them. "I know."