Author's comments: From "Law and Order" SVU's Olivia Benson Has Been a Stealth Style Icon for Years", Vogue, April 28, 2020: Benson's pantsuits have been a stealth style standout for more than 20 years. They have a whiff of minimalist workwear, and are not unlike the sleek pantsuits dotting editorials in late-'90s Vogue. Plus, Benson puts them into action. She runs after perverts in them, she arrests perverts in them, and she interrogates perverts in them. If Benson were to approach me in one of these muted pantsuits, I would cuff myself first. No one stands a chance: She's intense, polished, and believable.

I finally get back to Amanda's POV in this chapter. I went down a rabbit hole into Olivia's mind, and I don't think it was good for my mental state.

Story of My Life

Chapter Nine

Part One

Later in the evening, after Olivia had finished discussing with Dr. Lindstrom how dangerous it would be to get involved with Amanda, she had a chance to do actual research on the subject. Olivia never knew what events would set her off—a smell, the sound of a man's voice, a touch. Tonight, it was just the feel of cheap fabric on her skin.

She had been sitting on the bed in her temporary room, getting the latest updates on Noah from Amanda, who sat next to her. "He's been asking about you, of course," she said. "But Mom says he's also playing a lot with the girls, and that he loves her homemade mac and cheese."

Olivia nodded absently. It was upsetting to think about her separation from her son. She clutched a handful of sheets and squeezed hard. And like a television switch turning on and changing her to a different channel, she was flash of an image, where she was in the hotel room, grabbing a fistful of sheets, Clark's face in hers.

The light trails were strong, sending her signals that this wasn't real, but she could smell him on her, feel his weight on top of her, and she was suddenly drenched with sweat. "Oh, God, not again."

Amanda's voice cut through the scene with one swipe. "I'm here, Liv. Can you hear me?"

"Yes." But his face still flashed in her mind. Again and again, she brought her attention back to Amanda.

"It's okay, Liv. Feel my hand?"

She focused hard, and Amanda's soft fingers covered her hand, enveloping them in a layer of safety. "Yes, I feel you."

"Okay now, look into my eyes."

She looked away from Clark's driven, menacing eyes and he dissolved, and now Amanda's face was inches from her own. Olivia let herself get lost in those deep seas of blue, practically swimming in them while her own nightmarish delusions faded away. She entwined her fingers with Amanda's and said, "I see you."

"Are you with me?"

But how could Olivia be anywhere but with her in this moment. Amanda was so much of her world right now that she couldn't imagine losing the safety of those soulful eyes, that mane of silky golden hair, those glossy lips. Olivia gasped for air—partially because of the shock of such a sudden, drastic change of scenery, but partly because she didn't know how to come up for air after swimming in the sea of Amanda.

Colors around Amanda's head swirled and flickered, distorting and bending in psychedelic waves. Olivia knew they weren't real, but she relished them, because they made Amanda's eyes into stars. Amanda cupped Olivia's cheek in her hand as they both struggled to catch their breath now, Amanda's coming in short bursts that made her chest heave.

Their faces only inches apart, Olivia glanced at Amanda's parted lips, noticing how easy it would be to lean in just slightly and hold them in her mouth. She licked her own lips instead, to stop herself from taking that one last, brash step. "Amanda."

Amanda's lower lip trembled as she spoke, and there was a tremor in her voice. "What, Liv?"

The world began to shift and shudder underneath Olivia, and she knew she had to say what needed to be said now, before she fell completely into the trap of Amanda's magnetic field. She shifted in her seat but couldn't pull herself away enough to create even the slightest of spaces between them. "Before…before anything happens, I have to tell you…" A slight crease formed in Amanda's forehead, but Olivia willed herself to keep up her brave profession. "I really want to make this—us—into something more."

Amanda bit her lower lip, her eyes flitting in fits of blinking, her lifting chest betraying her labored breathing. Olivia resisted throwing caution to the wind and placing a hand on that chest to calm Amanda's pounding heart. She said, "But, I don't think we should, because it wouldn't be good for either of us right now."

Amanda's thumb caressed her face. "I think you're right."

Olivia could pass out from the gravity of the moment, but she kept going. "I want to. It's just not a good time."

Amanda moved her hand, but she didn't pull away, instead sliding her palm to the back of Olivia's neck. "I know. It's not. I wouldn't feel right about it."

And yet, they couldn't break their yearning gaze. Olivia swallowed the knot in her throat. "But—" Her face separated by a tiny sliver of air from Amanda's, Olivia parted her lips to fully inhale the delicate scent of Amanda's lip gloss. "In case we never get to in the future…"

She stopped herself, because what she wanted to ask was too much, and she knew it. She couldn't just expect Amanda to cave to her demands, and then drop her like a hot rock. But Amanda entwined her fingers in Olivia's hair, her nails grazing Olivia's scalp, nearly causing her to melt into a puddle. Amanda's buttery voice brought her back down to earth. "Just tell me what you need, Liv."

Every nerve ending in Olivia's skin perked up and tingled. "Just one time…kiss me?"

In one second that lasted forever, Amanda searched her eyes, and Olivia could almost see the words flitting around in her mind. Victim. Assault. Trauma. Boundaries.

Before waiting for rejection, Olivia boldly leaned in and owned one of those lips, biting it loosely in her own. Amanda didn't pull away. As if one, they hungrily fought over whose mouth could be the greater aggressor, pressing and tugging and melding into one another. But Olivia didn't want to rush this, so she slowed it way down, taking in even the slightest touch of Amanda's fingers on her back as they kissed. She had to absorb as much of the eager body before her, taking on the feel of Amanda's bare arms with her hands. Their torsos naturally gravitated toward one another, their breasts brushing against one another tantalizingly.

Olivia had to stop mid-kiss to let out a slight moan, but she quickly threw herself back into it with her tongue, using it to taste the sweetness of Amanda's desire. Her senses heightened from the hallucinogenic effects, Olivia easily aroused, her entire body lit up with sparks of pleasure, constantly pushing her cravings deeper, threatening to enter the point of no return.

She knew it had to be now or never—let her aching desires overwhelm her, or stop this before it undoubtably ravaged Amanda with endless guilt and shame for taking advantage. She had a hard time prying her lips off Amanda's, so she allowed them to press into the soft, fleshy crevices of Amanda's mouth three more times, and then she used every ounce of strength to pry her trembling body away.

They rested their foreheads against one another's, panting and speechless. Then Olivia could practically feel the shift in Amanda's mood. "I'm sorry, Liv."

Olivia didn't want to open her eyes to the real world but she also wanted to take in the sky contained in Amanda's eyes, so she opened hers to see worry and remorse staring back at her. "Sorry for what? I'm the one—"

"No, I should have stopped—"

Olivia shoveled her hand under Amanda's hair and grasped the back of her neck, capturing Amanda's gaze and locking it in with her own. "Listen to me, Amanda. I wanted that. None of that arose from delusion—not one part of it. Don't you dare blame yourself."

Amanda looked torn, and she took Olivia's hand and kissed it. "Maybe so, but where do we go from here?" She looked up at the clock bolted into the wall. "It's almost lights out. I'm guessing, after what you said, you don't want me staying here tonight."

Olivia folded the silky tendrils of Amanda's hair in between her fingers, enjoying the soothing tactile feel of it. "No, I want you to lie next to me."

Amanda did a double take. "But won't that…?"

Olivia shook her head. "I'm a grown woman. I can resist urges." Spotting the uncertainty in Amanda's eyes, she quickly resorted to pleading. "Please, Amanda. I don't want to flip out. Besides, it's hard enough making it through the night."

Amanda sighed and rubbed Liv's shoulder. "Lie down."

Olivia faced away from her, sinking into the bed, and Amanda fell in behind her, draping her arm over her like she had the first time. Somehow, they stayed that way all night, not a whisper of a space between them, without Olivia giving into the aching compulsion inside her. But her heart sank, remembering the sanctity of that kiss, and realizing that it may have been the last time she would get to submit to the heights of passion with the exquisite woman beside her. She found Amanda's hand flopped over her own body and caressed it, accepting it as a weak consolation prize. This was going to be harder than she had realized.

Part Two

Amanda had a lot to carry—piles of clothes draped over her arm, a pair of boots in the crook of one arm, and a bag draped over her shoulder. She was surprised that they let her in the place with all this, but then, considering what was about to happen…

Olivia didn't know yet, and Amanda was going to surprise her. It had been three days since her last episode, and even though there had been a couple of times since then when Amanda had had to calm her before a hallucination could grab her, she hadn't been delusional since the night they'd kissed.

Amanda had kicked herself over and over for that kiss. She couldn't help her developing feelings for Olivia, and apparently the feelings were mutual. But as an SVU detective, she knew better than to take advantage of the diminished state of mind of a victim, and the hallucinations added a dimension of emotional complexity to an already complicated situation.

She would have to be the strong one.

So she'd backed off, only there to help Olivia when she needed help staying out of her own imaginary world. Amanda felt light-hearted today with the good news she was carrying. She would never tell Olivia this, but it had been devastating to see her superior officer, her mentor, her crush, falling into psychotic breaks. Not to mention her own flashbacks that she suffered because she'd helplessly witnessed Clark assault Olivia right in front of her. It had left her emotionally affected in a way that threw her into a crying mess at times.

She couldn't tell Olivia any of this, of course. It was too much of a burden for her already fragile psyche. Instead, she'd found her old therapist once more, and was surprised that Dr. Hanover wanted to still see her after she'd been put in danger because of Amanda's job. But the doctor was happy to take her back, and she reluctantly opened up to her, rather than put anything extra on Olivia.

Now she slipped into Olivia's room right as she was coming out of the bathroom, and Olivia jumped and threw a hand to her chest. "You scared me."

"Sorry." Amanda set everything on the bed.

"You're early today. What's all this?"
Amanda beamed. "These are your clothes."

Olivia wrinkled her nose. "And? Am I going somewhere?"

"Yeah."

"Where? I don't have a doctor's appointment that I forgot about, do I?"

"No, Liv." Amanda grabbed her by the shoulder. "You're going home. I talked to Dr. Lindstrom this morning."

Olivia's mouth hung open, and she seemed to be grasping for words. "H-how? Why?"

"It's been three whole days, Liv. Three days without any hallucinations. He thinks you're ready."

Still shocked, Olivia looked around the room as if answers could be found somewhere in the crevices of this place. She didn't look as happy as Amanda had anticipated. "But I almost…just yesterday you had to talk me down."

"But that's the thing, Liv. You didn't chase that rabbit down its hole."

Olivia stared at all her stuff on the bed like it was just out of reach. "I don't know, Amanda."

"What do you mean, you don't know? It's a done deal. I thought you'd be thrilled to go home."

Liv's hesitant gaze pierced Amanda, and she began to wake up to the fact that her fantasy of how this would go didn't match with reality. Olivia said, "I'm the one who checked me in here—remember, Amanda? I'm the one who decides if I'm ready. And I still feel like it's not safe. I could still—"

Amanda turned from her and shook her head vigorously. "You're wrong, Liv. It's not your choice, it's the professionals', and they don't feel like you need it anymore. And you are ready."

"I assaulted several people just a few days ago."

"Almost a week."

"Yes. Less than a week. What if you're not around to help me?"

When Amanda paused, Olivia went and sat on the edge of the bed, and Amanda came up beside her, ambivalently reaching out to rub Liv's shoulder. Liv allowed it, sighing into the touch. Amanda felt out some hard knots and massaged them until they softened. "Liv, you got this far. Take the win." As soon as she said it, Liv tensed up again, and Amanda dug in with her thumbs, taking care not to press down hard enough to cause pain. "You told me you'd never go to work again, because how could you? Now your head trips have almost disappeared, and there's a chance they may never come back again. Look how far you've come!"

Amanda rested her hand on Olivia's shoulder, and Liv set her hand on top of Amanda's. "Thank you. I still feel like I have a long way to go."

From behind her, Amanda stooped and placed her face next to hers, draping an arm over her. "I have faith in you Liv. I know it's a lot still. But I'm here for you, okay?"

"Yeah," whispered Olivia.

Olivia's uncertainty penetrated Amanda's brave façade, and she turned her attention to the pile of Olivia's clothes on the bed. "I brought you this."

Amanda unfolded a pair of black Prada pants. Olivia half-smiled. "C'mon, Amanda, you didn't have to do this. I could have just gone home in what I'm wearing."

Amanda dropped the pants on her own lap and held up a finger. "Hold on, you haven't even seen…"

From the pile, she pulled out a black t-shirt. And then she held up a mid-thigh-length black leather jacket that she knew Olivia hadn't worn in years. She held up the boots, noting how she could break an assailant's toe with those heels. Olivia smirked. "Amanda."

Amanda smiled, knowing she had done the right thing, even if Olivia couldn't see it yet.

Part Three

Olivia put her fingers to her mouth, unable to say anything else in the moment. Watching her clothes laid out on the bed was like staring at an invisible version of herself, one who had lived in her skin ten years ago. A different Olivia, one who was too naïve and unjaded to be afraid. An Olivia who had then gone through multiple rounds of disappointment, followed by miserable soul-crushing trauma, time and again.

But there was something else she saw in this younger version of her. This Olivia had hope, and lots of it. She'd thought she could change the world, thought that she could make a difference by helping others fight off the predators living among the lambs. How did one do that, when they were a victim as much as everyone else?

"Liv, you okay?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Okay, because you know what I see laid out before me?"

Olivia looked up at her, cheeks flushed. "What?"

"I see an outfit that says, 'Look out, 'cuz here comes a badass bitch.'"

Olivia couldn't help but laugh. She'd been walking around in hoodies and sweatpants for so long that she'd forgotten what it was like to wear real clothes. She eyed them nervously. But then she stood, and nodded, and held out her arms for Amanda to place all the items in them.

Amanda had brought everything—make-up, nail polish, hairspray. Amanda stopped Olivia, though, and said, "Are you sure this is okay, Olivia? I don't want to presume that you want to do this."

"No I'm fine," Olivia said softly, "Something about this outfit makes me feel safe."

She emerged from the bathroom with her hair done and make-up on, wearing the outfit exactly how Amanda had arranged it on the bed. "You look stunning," said Amanda, and flutters beat out a song in Olivia's mid-section. "You look like…you."

"Thank you. You look amazing too, by the way."

Amanda had chosen to go with high heel boots too, and she held out an elbow for Olivia to hold. "Let's go show them that you can't keep a good woman down."

Part Four

They weaved home through crowds of people on the street. It was the day before the Fourth of July, and everybody who lived in New York knew better than to spend any time out on the streets at night if you didn't have to. Even during the day, it was like a war zone at times. People set off fireworks at random times, sometimes hurling them under cars just to scare people.

Amanda led Olivia, dodging around sketchy looking people or anyone with a lighter in their hand. Most people were safe, but there were some sadistic assholes who would love nothing better than to terrorize people with their ability to blow shit up. As if to prove her point, some guy started cat-calling them as they rushed by, and he didn't like it when they ignored him, so he hurled an M-80 toward Olivia's feet.

She squealed and jumped out of the way. Amanda's ears rang, and she glared at him thinking how lucky the dude should feel that she hadn't just pulled out her revolver and shot him. It might be considered justified, under the circumstances.

But they made it to Olivia's apartment safely, and Amanda did an eye-contact check. "You okay, Liv?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Really. It's New York on the Fourth—what do you expect?"

"Okay, good. The kids are still with my mom tonight, to give you one more night to recover. I was going to fix something. You hungry?"

She didn't look too interested in food, but she said, "I could eat." The buzzer rang. Olivia sagged. "Already? I don't want to talk to anyone right now."

Amanda headed to the intercom. "I'll see who it is." Pushing the button, she said, "Yes?"

"It's Barba. Is Olivia there."

"Yeah, but she's pretty tired."

"Okay. I was just stopping by. Tell her I have some news about court."

Olivia started waving frantically from where she was sitting on the couch. "She says to come up," said Amanda.

Once he was in, Olivia didn't hesitate—she went straight to him and hugged him, and he closed his eyes and let her into his embrace until she was ready to pull back. His eyes drooped with sadness when he took her in, but he said, "It's so good to see you, Liv. You look great." Setting down his briefcase, he dug out his phone. "You're really going to have to share your skin care secrets with me."

She smirked, not missing a beat. "It involves locking yourself inside in a dark place for at least a week or two."

When he just stared at her, she said, "What? I have to laugh, or I'd just sit there and feel sorry for myself."

"You have a point there." He spoke quickly. "Sit down for a minute?"

Barba had a way of convincing people before they realized what he was up to. Olivia sat in the chair, but Amanda stood close to her, in case, just now realizing that he wouldn't be asking Olivia to sit if he had good news.

By the alarm in Olivia's eyes, Amanda could tell she had come to the same conclusion. She moved in closer, trying not to hover. Barba glanced at Amanda expectantly, and she shrugged and nodded to him. "Liv, I hate to bring you bad news, but David Clark got released on bail today."

"What the-?" Amanda said. She had a sudden urge to punch someone in the face. "How?"

"We've got a fresh, new assistant DA, and he ended up with the file."

Olivia's face was blank. But she said, "Why didn't Carisi get it?"

"Carisi can't take it. He worked under you, Liv. It would be seen as biased."

Amanda grumbled. "Goddammit. Why do the worst of them always seem to go loose."

"Oh, I didn't say he was loose. He made bail, but he's still going to go away for a long time. He made bail because they have no evidence that he killed anyone. He had to pay a quarter mil to get out, but he's got it."

"He admitted…" Olivia was as pale as her white tablecloth, and she never finished her sentence.

"Liv, you okay?"

But Olivia just stared vacantly. "Oh, shit," said Amanda. "Liv? Do you hear me?"

Barba leaned forward, his mouth slightly open, hands fidgety. "Liv? Liv?"

She glanced at the newbie to the world of Liv's insanity. "You might not want to get too close. Sometimes when she hears male voices, she flips out."

"But she knows me."

"Yeah, she knew Stabler, too, but that didn't stop her from trying to plunge a knife into his chest."

To his credit, Barba didn't back away from her, but he did stop trying to talk to her and let Amanda do it instead. But no matter what she said, Olivia wasn't responding. She wasn't lashing out or fighting off imaginary enemies, either, just frozen in space like she'd been the night Elliot and Amanda had fought. Amanda did the only thing she could—settled down next to her and took her hand, at times patting it and talking to her once more, trying to get any sort of acknowledgement that there were real people in the room, people who cared deeply about her.