*Author's Note-If you already read this chapter once, please read:

Well, crap, I messed up. If you want to know why I pulled this chapter, it's because I realized I made a mistake. I got in a hurry and lost track of the timeline. When I went back and thought about it I was like—WTF did I just do? It was TOO SOON, much too soon for Olivia, who would still be in shock at that point, and Amanda would have never let that happen anyway. And that's NOT how I had planned it. So I'm sorry, and I'm sorry if it bothered anyone as much as it bothered me. I changed the story, because I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. The changes don't start until Part Three, so I'm going to post it again and give everyone a chance to read it before I go on to the next Chapter. I'm so sorry everyone.

Story of My Life

Chapter Ten

Part One

Olivia could hear someone calling her name the distance, but the sound grew faint as other voices intensified, grabbing her attention. "Are you ready, Ms. Benson?"

It was mostly dark, but there were other people in the room, out in the audience. She was sitting on the witness stand, and she looked over to see the source of the voice. A female judge with a billowy black robe tapped her gavel. "First witness."

She looked straight ahead again and startled when she realized William Lewis was standing directly in front of her, face to face, yelling at her. He was so angry, and he was shouting so hard that spittle jumped from his lips. She closed her eyes to shield them from it. "Did you or did you not beat me to within an inch of my life?"

"I did what I had to do…"

But she was shocked that nobody did anything to stop this. How was he allowed to sit here and yell at her after what he'd done to her? She looked at the judge for help, but she just stared straight ahead and banged her gavel again. "Next witness."

Now Clark was in front of her. His tone was not as harsh, but it still dripped with accusations. "If you hadn't thought you were too good for me, I wouldn't have had to do what I did. Women only go for the bad guys or the tough guys. I'm a nice guy, and you didn't want me."

"Seriously? Nice guy? You raped me, drugged me. I'm fucked up now because of you…"

"Ms. Benson, it's the witness's turn to answer," scolded the judge.

"But I—"

When she faced forward again, Clark was gone, and she was astonished when she saw who was there.

"Brian?"

The judge was gone too, and now she wasn't as scared, but a tight lump formed in her throat when she saw all of the most important men in her life sitting in a circle around her. Brian was the only one standing. He cast her a casual glance and said, "I was only in it for the sex, Liv."

The words stung, but she had suspected as much all along. He didn't act as if he was deeply in love with her. But it still hurt, because she had invested so much into their relationship.

David Haden slowly stood to his feet. It saddened her to see him. "We should have never dated, Liv. You knew it could lead to problems from the beginning, and yet you went ahead."

"You did too," she said softly.

Tucker was next, and she should be feeling warmed by his presence, because she didn't expect to ever see him again. But she knew what this was. She braced herself while he stood. "I still don't believe Lewis killed himself. Why would he do that? You held the gun. You admitted that much." He shook his head. "And I know he was in handcuffs when you beat him. Why don't you just admit it? You lied."

She shook her head. "No, you already interrogated me about this. You don't get to—"

But he was gone, and with a sinking heart, she watched one last person stand to face her. "Elliot," she whispered. This was going to hurt, no matter how much she tried to shield herself.

He could barely look her in the eye, but he did. "I left because I was tired of saving your ass." Now he turned forceful and accusatory. "I tried to tell you, all those years ago. But you stuck around anyway. When I'm always looking over my shoulder, trying to protect you, I can't do my job. And it's happening again with Wheatley."

Heavy tears rolled down her face. "I didn't ask that of you."

"Doesn't matter, Liv. We're too close. Always have been."

The tears turned into a flood. "I don't understand how that's my fault, or why you're upset with me about it."

The voices that had been constrained in the background grew louder, and she latched onto them until they pierced her eardrums. "Liv? Can you hear me? I think she's coming out of it."

She opened her eyes, still wet and heavy, to find three faces staring at her. Amanda was right in front of her, Dr. Lindstrom and Barba were beside her. She groaned. "How long was I out?"

"I don't know," Amanda said softly. "Maybe thirty, forty minutes? Are you back?"

"Yeah." But the vision had gotten to her, because this was the first time it involved people she loved, and it had been anything but pleasant. "Was I just sitting there staring the whole time?"

"No, you closed your eyes at some point." Olivia sighed in relief, because that would have been creepy. Amanda added, "Mostly quiet this time, but you were mumbling a little."

Oh, God. How much had she given away in her ramblings?

She looked past Amanda at Barba, who looked like he was doing some mental calculations to decide how good of a witness she would make. Surely the prospects weren't promising.

But then he pushed forward so he could speak to her. "I'm sorry, Liv. Sorry that he did this to you."

She smiled at him gratefully, and he took her hand in his and rubbed the back of it like he could produce a genie to help her. She needed one.

Dr. Lindstrom said, "I know this may not be encouraging to you, Liv, but at least you didn't get violent." She wanted to protest, say that she still saw Clark, and now Lewis this time too. But he said, "And since you didn't try to hurt anyone—or yourself—I'm not going to recommend the psych ward this time. I do think you're getting better."

"Thank you," she managed to whisper through her tears.

Barba squeezed her hand to get her attention. "What I was trying to tell you before is that I harassed the DA's office until they made me the special prosecutor on Clark's case. We're going to get this guy, Liv. He's no William Lewis."

"Yeah, but he is out now," she said, the words weighing down her body.

Barba blushed, which was something he rarely did. "We did get a restraining order."

"Just a piece of paper," she said, knowing that stalkers rarely felt constrained by them.

Amanda, who was sitting next to her, draped an arm around her shoulder. "I'll be here. Maybe we could get a protective detail. For now, I think we should get you some rest. You look exhausted."

She was drained of energy, it was true, but one thing had resolved as a result of her disturbing fantasy. "Yeah, I do need to crash. But I want to talk to Elliot."

"Rest first, then Elliot."

Part Two

Amanda could nearly crumple into a heap over the sadness in Olivia's eyes. She didn't know what the girl had seen, but it had brought her to a low not seen for days, and this time it was different. There was no terror, no reliving horrific, traumatizing scenes. There was only a deep, cavernous sorrow that cut straight to the bone.

After they said their goodbyes to Dr. Lindstrom and Barba, Amanda escorted Olivia into her bedroom. Olivia sighed as she dropped into her own bed. "Feels good to be home."

Amanda fretted over her, covering her with the sheets and fluffing the pillows. "You sure you don't want something to eat?"

"Yeah. No, I'm good." Olivia patted the bed next to her. "We have more room here than we did at the psych ward."

Amanda slid in next to her, smiling at the fact that they could face one another without being afraid to fall off the bed. They latched hands as if reading one another's minds. But Liv's mournful look brought a soul-crushing reality check to Amanda's heart. "What is it, Liv? You want to talk about it?"

"No," she said without a second's hesitation. But, after staring deep into Amanda's eyes for several seconds, she said, "It's not just the men who kidnapped me, tortured me, assaulted me. It's…everything. My whole life."

"Like what? Your parents?"

"More than that." Amanda kissed Olivia's eyes, heavy with heartbreak. Olivia continued, "I haven't had the healthiest of relationships."

"Preaching to the choir here." Amanda gave Olivia's hand a few strokes to remind her that she was there for her. She wondered what about Olivia's love life could cause so much strife right now. Like a light, the answer came to her. Elliot.

Olivia licked her lips. "Brian was never able to truly love me. Then I went for Tucker, a guy who spent years trying to ruin me. Why would I date a guy who interrogated me and never fully believed me?"

"He did. At the end," Amanda pointed out.

Olivia ignored her. "And Elliot." She swallowed hard, and started to sniffle, unable to hold in the tears. Amanda saw it as a good sign—Olivia had kept her emotions mostly bottled up when she wasn't in the midst of one of her terrifying hallucinations. Amanda tried to restrain herself, but she couldn't keep her hands away, and she cupped Olivia's cheek and wiped tears away with one thumb. Olivia composed herself enough to speak. "Elliot was never good for me. In fact, he was downright abusive at times, and I didn't see it."

"I hear you, Liv. But why is all this coming up now?"

Olivia sniffed. "I don't know. Maybe it's all related somehow. I'm too tired to deal with it now, though."

"Well come here, then, so I can help you feel better."

Amanda pulled her in until she was resting a head on Amanda's shoulder, and she kissed Olivia's head softly, repeatedly, until the woman resting on her was dead asleep.

Part Three

"You look great, Liv." She still had on the clothes Amanda had brought her, including the leather jacket, which she had put back on after her nap. Elliot sat in the chair while Olivia took the couch. They had agreed it was best if Amanda stayed in the apartment with them, in case anything went awry again. But she'd promised to stay in the bedroom and not eavesdrop.

"I guess you're feeling better?" he said, his expression tentative.

"Kind of," she offered. "Not lashing out at people anymore, though I still have the occasional hallucination."

"I guess that's better than all the time."

She dug her hands in between her knees. "I wanted to talk to you about that night—the night that…I attacked you."

With her heart pounding in her throat, it was hard to think straight, and she still saw tendrils of light trails here and there, reminding her how dangerously close she was to the edge of sanity. But she took a deep breath and dug in.

"What were you and I talking about that night, before I—before I—"

"Came at me?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

"You don't remember?"

"No."

He looked uncomfortable, shifting in his seat, squinting his eyes. "I was telling you I was sorry. For not finding you sooner. I wish I could have stopped what happened to you."

"It's not your fault, El."

He sighed. "That's what you said last time."

But she knew this wasn't what had set her off. "What else?"

He scratched his head. "You sure we should talk about this? What if the same thing happens?"

"You mean, am I going to lose it? Amanda's here, the knives are put away. I think it's safe."

After a weighted breath, he said, "The last thing I said to you was that I wished I had been there when Lewis…took you."

The room went dim, and for a moment she started to drift back to that day, when he'd actually said it. The words, coming from the lips of the only man she had ever loved, stung, but not because they were hurtful in and of themselves. It was that they initiated a memory trail of times when she'd wistfully longed for the same thing—that he would have been there to protect her.

In fact, Lewis had used that wanting against her—taunting her with the stark reality that her former partner wasn't there to save her and couldn't stop him from tormenting her to satisfy his own sick desires. That night with Elliot had opened up that crushing wound once more, and she knew why it had caused her so much distress and threw her world into a tailspin.

Elliot may or may not have been able to stop Lewis from happening to her, and it wasn't his fault that she was taken down that black hole. But Elliot's absence afterwards had devastated her.

She blinked, and then she was back to the present. And now she knew what she needed to do. "You and I…have a lot of history."

"Agreed." He leaned forward.

"We've grown really close, and I feel us growing closer again now that you're back."

"True." He shifted in his seat.

"I just…don't think that's healthy for me anymore."

He stared at her in silence, his lips pursed. "Do you think this is a good time to be making this decision?"

"Probably not. But I have to do it before I chicken out."

He stumbled to get the next words out. "What's—what's—why do you feel that we're not healthy? That I'm not healthy."

She had just shifted Elliot's world, she knew, away from the one where he was always in control. She tried to stay centered so she didn't get pulled out of her own orbit and into his, like she tended to do. "Lots of reasons. I don't know how to say it. You've blamed me for things before, things I don't feel were my fault."

He didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, so he rubbed them on the top of his pants. "Okay, I can give you that. But that was years ago. Things change—I've changed."

"Maybe. But I can see how we could get sucked into the same dynamic."

He held his face in his hand. "So you don't want to get involved romantically. I can understand. You just went through something traumatic. But you just want me to walk away?"

She nodded slowly, feeling like she was floating away, and the room and everything in it was disappearing. Snapping herself back to reality, she said, "Yes."

As she'd expected, angry lines began to form in his forehead. "And Amanda? You going to send her away too?"

She took a moment to answer, her head spinning with all the possible responses. But in the end, she couldn't keep the truth from escaping, settling down heavy in the space between them. "Amanda was here for me after Lewis. You weren't."

He paused, absorbing the sting of the words. "That's not fair, Liv. I wasn't here, period."

Her cheeks flushed with anger as her chest constricted. "How did you even hear about Lewis, anyway?"

"I, uh…I didn't even know about it until months later, when I heard about it in the news."

"Uh huh." She nodded curtly. "And you didn't call."

"I can't do anything about the past!" He stood and spun away, running his palm down his face. "Okay, I get it. I'm a dirt bag. I left you, and now you hate me—"

"No, I didn't say that. You're putting words in my mouth."

Ignoring her, he said, "But do you really think it's healthy to start something with Amanda right now?"

"No, and that's none of your business."

"It is when you're turning me away for that very reason."

"You're not listening to me."

He spun to face her, his voice dripping with intensity. "I'm trying. But it's hard to see how any of this is healthy, Liv. Do you even know what you're doing? Is this something you discussed with your therapist?" He said the last word with sarcasm—she knew he hated therapists. He was shouting now. "Seems to me like you're just replacing me with her, right in the middle of a psychological crisis, no less."

She held up a finger. "See this, right here, is what I'm talking about. How you're talking to me. It's disrespectful."

The veins popped in his forehead, and he pushed a chair into the table so hard that it scraped. She closed her eyes, trying to block out the urge to escape into delusional fantasies. He sighed and came back to the chair to sit once more. "I'm sorry. I'm just a little upset." He shook his head. "I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you."

"I didn't say—"

"Yeah you did. Maybe you're right. But you've obviously got issues too, Liv. And I want to be supportive, but I don't need this in my life right now."

With that he stood and strode out, and she stood too, but stayed in place. "Elliot—"

But it was too late—he slammed the door behind him before she could get anything else out. She sank back into the couch just as Amanda emerged from the bedroom. Before she even got to Olivia's side, she was checking up on her. "You okay, Liv?"

"Yeah." But her okayness quickly diminished until her lower lip trembled, and Amanda landed next to her just in time to take her in her arms and hold her while she cried.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I tried not to listen, be he was being loud, and in the end I was afraid it was gonna go bad so I cracked the door open a little to make sure you didn't bottom out."

The kisses Amanda planted on her head and the strength of her hold did help Olivia keep from falling apart, but she couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness where Elliot had ripped her heart out and left her insides hollow. "Maybe I shouldn't have been so hard on him."

"Nope." Amanda shook her head. "Don't even go there. From what I heard, you were very fair, and you kept your calm. He's the one who couldn't handle the truth."

Olivia took in the words, and then said, "I thought maybe at least I'd get a goodbye hug."

Amanda squeezed her tighter, and Olivia soaked in the softness of her skin. She had something no man possessed—the supple, smooth edges of a woman's body. But right now, Olivia could only halfway appreciate it, as lost as she was in her own grief. "It's late, it's been a long day, and the meds are making me tired again."

Amanda escorted her to the bed. Olivia thought she must be getting tired of all this lying around, acting as a sponge for Olivia's tears and a receptacle for her woes. But she never complained, just pushed on and did what Olivia asked. When they were settled in, facing one another, hands on each other's faces, Olivia said, "I can't tell you how grateful I am to have you here with me, Amanda. Thank you for sticking it out with me. For taking care of me. Putting up with all my shit."

Amanda held a finger to her lips. "I appreciate it, Liv. But it's not necessary. There's no place I'd rather be."

Before long, Amanda was spooning her again, holding her at the waist. She was asleep, but Olivia couldn't get there, unable to stop the barrage of images of Elliot yelling at her, accusing her. She was reminded of her vision, when he had told her everything was her fault. She knew he didn't really feel that way, that he was just scared of intimacy with her. But it didn't make it any easier when he took his anger out on her or refused to apologize afterwards.

She started to cry and shake uncontrollably, and trails of light appeared in her vision, swirling and threatening to sweep her away with them. "Amanda," she whispered, wanting to get it under control before she lost all touch with reality.

Amanda moaned slightly and sat up on one elbow. Peering at her through the dim light of the night lamp, she said, "What is it, Liv?" More awake now, she must have noticed Olivia's condition. "You're crying."

She hugged her tight then, rocking with her. Olivia rested a grateful hand on Amanda's arm. "I cry all the time."

"Nobody has better reasons than you."

Olivia bit her lips. "I was seeing trails."

Amanda covered her like a blanket, resting her chin in the crook of Olivia's shoulder, her face tight against Olivia's. "I've got you."

When grief threatened to whisk her away to a tumultuous fictitious world of unbearable horror, Olivia focused on Amanda's touch instead. One slender finger traced a line down the side of Olivia's arm, sending sparks of ecstasy all the way down to her feet, and now she started to float away to a more pleasant alternative. She still saw swirling pools of light, and her body melded into her surroundings. She was tripping lightly, but the euphoria she felt from Amanda's touch left her feeling elated instead of terrified, and all thoughts of Elliot drifted away.

She lay on her back to get the full effect, and Amanda was above her, looking down with stars as eyes. Olivia had to touch those cushiony lips to make sure they were real, and she gently pinched one, staring into Amanda's dreamy face.

"Liv, you okay?"

She wasn't sure why Amanda looked slightly alarmed, because she herself had a smile on her face. "Yeah, I'm good."

"You sure? Are you fully with me?"

"Yeah. I'm here. One hundred percent."

And she was. Her body had never felt so alive, all from the fingertips that now ran down Olivia's neck, sending chills to the top of her head. She wanted more than just her fingers on those lips staring at her, and she forgot everything she'd said just days ago and pulled Amanda down to her so she could kiss them once more.

But instead of yielding, Amanda pulled back, although her parted lips seemed disturbed by her decision. "Liv, no."

Olivia threw her head back on the pillow. "Okay."

But she wasn't okay, because Amanda hadn't just withdrawn from the kiss, she had pulled away altogether. "Look, Liv…"

"I'm sorry, Amanda. I didn't mean to put you in that position."

"Don't be sorry, Liv. It's okay, really. I just…" Amanda looked her in the eyes. "This is hard. I think that—that my feelings…they're making it hard for me to take care of you and not get too attached. Do you—do you get what I mean?"

Olivia propped herself up on an elbow. "Yeah. Yeah I think so. Let's just go back to how we were—"

"No, Liv." Amanda stood, and Olivia's stomach twisted and turned, screaming at her that something wasn't right. Amanda threw a hand to her head. "I can't. Every time I touch you, I get a little more attached. But what if all these feelings you're having for me aren't real? You just went through something horrific—you could just be latching onto anything that feels good, you know?"

Olivia sat up on the bed. "So…are you saying you want to leave?"

Amanda shook her head, but said, "I don't know what to do, Liv."

Olivia brought her face to her hands, trying to hold in all the panic and torment rising up within her. But she felt herself spiraling, felt the room spinning, and knew that her world was crashing at this very moment.