Author's comments: **Okay, folks, before you read this chapter—if you read Chapter 10 before I reposted it, just know that I made some changes, namely to the last part of it. It occurred to me that the scene with Olivia and Amanda at the end was way too close in time to the assault, and that's not how I meant it to go. I just lost touch with the big picture and the timeline. I couldn't in good conscience leave it that way, so I changed it. If you want, go back and re-read Part 3 of Chapter 10. If you don't want to, you should be able to figure out what happened, but just know that Amanda didn't give in.

Also, just know that there is a serious **Trigger Warning** in this chapter for suicidal ideation. I hope I'm not traumatizing people with this story. I think the ending is going to be very rewarding, so hang in there. And if it's too much, please stop reading.

Story of My Life

Chapter Eleven

Part One

Feeling like a vice had gripped her heart, Amanda watched Olivia staring out the window of her apartment and wondered where to go from here. After their conversation in the bedroom, Olivia had stood abruptly and made her way to the living room, Amanda following from a distance. It hurt to see this woman before her, arms folded, dark hair covering up darker emotions, knowing that every time she touched her to help her through shadows of relived trauma, she fell deeper for her.

"Liv, I'm sorry," she ventured.

"Sorry for what, Amanda?" Olivia didn't look at her, and that drove a knife deeper into her heart. Olivia's voice was too soft, not quite right. "I know you're just trying to do the right thing."

From the glaze in Olivia's eyes, Amanda felt like she was a hair away from losing her, and she knew she had to tread lightly from this point. "Still...I'm sorry for pulling away." Torn between going to Olivia and keeping her distance just to be safe, she froze right where she was. "You've been through a lot, Liv. I'm just not sure where to go from here."

Admiring Olivia's graceful figure from afar, she couldn't help but think that if an outside witness were standing here, they would not notice anything unusual about the tall frame, the dusky hair, the folded arms, the tawny eyes that stared at splatters of rain starting to plaster the window. That statuesque physique hid the deep, blistering anguish festering inside, threatening to bubble to the surface at any moment.

"You're going to leave, aren't you?" Olivia said. When Amanda didn't answer right away, Olivia swept a strand of hair back from her eyes. "I'm not mad at you, Amanda. But you might as well just go right now."

Amanda knew that was the last thing she could do. "I'm not going to do that, Liv. I'll just stay in a different room."

Olivia didn't say anything at first, and Amanda could almost see the various scenarios turning in her head. Finally, she said, "No, you should go."

Amanda's insides tightened even more, squeezing at her chest until she almost couldn't breathe. "Listen you yourself, Liv. You can't be alone right now."

Liv's eyes turned to slits. "You don't get to decide that."

"Liv," Amanda said, keeping her voice soft. Olivia's resolution was strong, but her decision-making abilities unsound, and Amanda was not going to cave. "I'm not leaving."

"Yes, you need to get out. My apartment, my rules."

"No way, Liv. I can't leave you here alone."

Olivia's head snapped in her direction. "You're going to anyway." Without warning, she turned to Amanda, lunged at her, and shoved her so hard that she had to take a step back to catch herself. "Get out!"

"Olivia!" Amanda held out her hands, in case she had to defend herself. "What, you're going to get physical now? You gonna fight me? Because I'm not leaving you alone in this apartment."

Olivia stood and stared at her a moment, and Amanda could tell by the vacancy in her eyes that she was on the border of one of her episodes. "You okay, Liv?"

"What does it matter?" she said, covering her face with her hand. "Nothing you can do about it anyway."

I fucked up, Amanda thought, her heart sinking into her stomach. None of this would have happened if I hadn't gotten so close, hadn't let myself get lost in her. "I'm sorry, Liv. This is all my fault."

Olivia went to her purse and dug around in it until she pulled out her phone, and Amanda watched her every move. She needed to expect the unexpected with Olivia in this state of mind. Before she'd brought her home, she'd done a sweep of the place, removing all sharp knives, razors and other objects. She'd collected Olivia's service revolver, and she even knew where she kept her personal nine millimeter. She'd taken all these items out of the house and stored them at her own apartment, for a time when (or if) Olivia was well enough to have them nearby. But there was a myriad of ways a person could be a danger to themselves or others.

Phone in hand, Olivia plopped down on the couch and glared at her. "Can I at least talk to Dr. Lindstrom in private?"

"Y-yeah," said Amanda. She didn't even want to leave Olivia alone that long, but surely if she went in the bedroom she'd be able to hear if anything went awry. She slipped just inside the doorway, and left it open a crack so she could hear if Olivia got into anything, maybe found a secret tool that Amanda had missed. But all she heard was silence.

The silence went on a little too long, and Amanda nearly came out to check on her, but didn't. She should have heard talking if Olivia made contact with Dr. Lindstrom, or even if she'd left a message. Finally unable to handle the suspense, she came out of the bedroom.

Olivia was gone.

"Shit." Amanda went into emergency mode, whipping out her phone as she went into the hallway. The elevator doors in the hallway were just closing. She pushed a button on her way to it. A voice answered. Alarm seeping from her voice, she said, "Yeah, Fin, I just lost Liv. Better get over here, right now. I might need help."

When she got to the elevator, she saw that it was going up, not down. Her panicked brain had trouble deciding whether to wait for it or take the stairs, but she chose to wait. Just as she suspected, it stopped on the top floor. "C'mon, c'mon," she said, shifting her feet.

The elevator came back down way too slowly, and now she wished she'd run up the stairs, sure that's she'd have been able to beat it. But it was too late, and now she had to wait for the cursed thing to crawl up to the top floor while she tapped an inpatient foot.

When she got out, after scanning the roof, she called Fin back immediately. "I found her. You better get here quick, and call ESU and Dr. Lindstrom."

Fin was cursing when she hung up. Amanda slowly advanced toward Olivia. From behind, she looked so peaceful—sitting on the ledge, legs dangling below her, looking up at the night sky. Drops of rain began to gently drum against her head and shoulders. But Amanda knew that beneath that calm exterior lay a turbulent, distraught interior that could easily do something drastic and permanent, something that would affect everyone for years to come.

She slipped in behind her and said softly, "Liv."

Staying plenty of feet away to avoid panicking her, Amanda took a seat on the ledge, but her legs stayed on the inside of the ledge. She knew the building was at least twenty stories high. She could now see Olivia's face, which was still pointed up at the sky even though rain drops pelted her, causing her eyes to flutter. "Isn't it beautiful?" Liv said. "All the stars…"

Amanda glanced up at the rainy night to make sure she wasn't the one imagining things. Now she knew the situation was even worse than she'd thought—Olivia's grasp of reality was slipping away. Amanda had undergone "jumper" training, as the NYPD called it, and knew the basic steps. But she was talking to another cop, one who knew all the tricks, and one who wasn't in her right mind to begin with.

Still, she tried. "Liv, what are you thinking?"

Olivia looked straight ahead now, clutching the edge of the ledge with her fingers. "You know, I used to be the one who carried others. I love my job, love helping people and lifting them up. Now I can't even carry myself. What is left for me?"

Amanda had a thought that maybe she wasn't the best person to talk to Olivia right now. After all, she'd spent the last week lifting her up, only to drop her with a thud as soon as she got home. Her track record for proving that everything was going to be fine was at about an F right now. But she was the only one here, although she heard sirens growing louder by the second.

Amanda examined Olivia's stance from every angle—there would only be a narrow window of opportunity to grab her off that ledge, and it would be very dangerous, as close as she was to the edge. Amanda would have to save that move for a last resort; otherwise, she would have herself to blame for Olivia's swan dive. "Why don't we go inside and talk about it? You don't want to do this, Liv."

"Do what? I'm just enjoying the view." She leaned forward to look down at the street below, and Amanda nearly lunged for her then, fearful she would lose her balance.

But she stopped herself. Too risky. "Okay. Can we do that from the window of your apartment?"

"No, I'm fine right here."

Flashing lights were everywhere now, reflecting off the buildings and lighting up the darkened sky. Amanda knew there would be a crowd gathered below—hopefully none of them would yell at her to jump. The rain fell harder now, compacting Olivia's hair and plastering the top of her black t-shirt against her skin.

Amanda shivered, but Olivia acted as if she was dry as a bone. "C'mon, Liv." Amanda's voice drooped with desperation. "Please don't do anything drastic."

The door that led to the elevator opened, and a team of five officers, led by a wide-eyed Fin, emerged. Amanda held them back with a hand signal. "Please, Liv," she said, crying now. "Think of Noah. He'll be devastated."

Olivia didn't say anything, just stared straight ahead, her lips in a pout, which was even worse than talking, because Amanda had no idea how close she was to giving up right now. "I know it's selfish," Amanda yelled over the rain, which started coming down in sheets as the wind picked up. She said through her tears, "But I would never recover if you were gone, Liv."

Despite Amanda's warning to stay away, the team moved in closer behind Liv, and Fin was at the front of the pack. It was good to have reinforcements, although it didn't help all that much when someone was sitting on a ledge. She took a chance and scooted a little closer to Olivia, hoping she wouldn't notice.

Olivia hunched up her shoulders, and Amanda made herself crazy trying to decipher her every move. "Maybe if I was still sane, I could deal with all this," Olivia said.

"Don't give up hope, Liv. You have a lot of good years left. A lot of memories to make. Just don't jump."

Olivia looked her straight in the face now, squinting through the rain. "Who says I'm going to jump?" Amanda wanted to sigh in relief, but Olivia wasn't finished. "I'm going to fly."

Olivia raised her hands to the air, and as soon as she did, Amanda knew it was now or never. She lunged at her, careful to lean in front of her instead of from behind, so that she wouldn't knock her off the building. She used her momentum to push back as hard as she could, and now there were hands grabbing her as well, to make sure she didn't fall.

Then Olivia was on the floor of the roof, with all the officers over her, making sure she wasn't hurt before they would let her stand. The hands that had grabbed Amanda were Fin's, and he pulled her up, saying, "You okay?"

She couldn't answer, unable to get a solid breath in. Then the breaths came too fast and too hard, and she fanned herself despite the cold rain pelting her. And then her panting turned to uncontrollable sobs, and Fin stood there helplessly as she bent at the waist, trying not to hyperventilate. Fin rubbed her back, consoling her the best he could. "It's okay, Amanda, take some deep breaths. You did good. Let's get you inside."

Just as she started to go numb from lack of breath, she was able to get her crying under control, and she sucked in the damp night air as deep as she could manage. Finally able to speak, she said, "No. I have to check on Liv."

The officers had Olivia surrounded, asking questions. Amanda couldn't hear what they were asking her, but Liv nodded repeatedly. And then they flanked her, one officer holding each arm to make sure she didn't make a run for the ledge again as they escorted her to the door. Amanda stared from behind, watching her lanky legs inside those Prada pants Amanda had picked out earlier, pasted to her from the rain. Her hair was plastered to her head, and her t-shirt to her skin, and still the rain came down in droves. She staggered off the roof in her high heel boots, and Amanda watched intently, knowing this would be the last time she would able to see her, possibly for a long time.