Author's comments: In the end, all we want is someone to save us, for the times when nobody could when we were young.

*Thank you for the wonderful comments! I have to say, this is my favorite fic ever. I love the deep dive into Olivia and Amanda's psyches (oh, yeah, we're getting to Amanda, right now). If you do think it's good and you have a platform, feel free to throw up a shout-out, Lol. Seriously, do whatever you feel called to do. If you want to just enjoy, I'm just happy to have readers.

*Trigger warning—memories of sexual assault.

Story of My Life

Chapter Thirteen

Part One

"And then what happened?"

Olivia squinted, trying to force herself to remember. "Then he…put me in some kind of wrist and ankle shackles. They were attached to the bed." She squirmed in her seat. "Are you sure we have to do this now, Rafael?"

Barba sat down in the chair opposite her at her kitchen table. "Yeah, Liv. I'm sorry. I have to make sure—" He sighed, as if trying to find the right words. "Make sure you can handle it, before it gets to trial. I have to know in advance. We can't have any surprises."

"But his trial isn't until next month, right?"

"Right. That's if his attorney doesn't keep asking for continuances. It could be postponed indefinitely. I'm trying to push the court for a speedy trial, but since he's out on bail, he's not in any hurry."

It had been five months since Clark had taken her, and Barba had been working diligently ever since. Meanwhile, Olivia hadn't heard from the bastard, not one text message or phone call, unlike Lewis, and she could be thankful for that. But while she waited for him to face justice, she couldn't relax, always looking over her shoulder.

She no longer had a protective detail, because the police didn't have the resources to offer it to her indefinitely. But she knew that Fin drove by every single day to keep an eye out for Clark, whose car he had memorized.

Worry lines formed on Barba's face now. "Are you going to be able to keep going?"

She nodded, even though the thought tied knots in her stomach. "Okay," he said. "He bound you, and then what?"

She wriggled in her chair. "He, uh…he called me his wife."

"Maybe leave that part out. We don't want to offer the possibility that he was insane. Let the defense bring that up."

"Right. Um…" She tried to think back to every detail, but when she did, his face was right there in front of her, his body lodged on hers, constraining her. She inhaled deeply. "He gave me a drink of water and I started feeling…funny. And seeing things."

"Like you were drugged?"

"Yes. And then he started…" He took off his pants, and her heart pounded so hard that she thought she might pass out. She couldn't look at him, so she stared at the ceiling, but out of the corner of her eye she saw his hand reach down and knew her time was up. Her stomach wrenching, she moaned softly out of sheer terror, and when he entered her, she gasped in pain, trying not to scream.

"Liv?" she heard, but she couldn't tear her focus away from the torture session going on in her own body. "Liv, can you hear me?"

Barba's voice was somehow right there and far away at the same time, but she latched onto it like a rope in the ocean. "Liv? Answer me."

"I'm here," she whispered shakily.

"Good, take my hand."

His fingers were on her hand, and she latched onto them and squeezed her eyes shut, only focusing on the voice and the touch of his hand. "I've got it," she choked through tears.

His voice was no longer Barba the kick-ass, freight train of a lawyer—it had softened to that of a sympathetic friend. "Good. Focus on me, Liv. Come back to me, okay? You're alright."

"Okay. Okay."

She opened her eyes, expecting Clark to still be there with his sneering, needy face, but it was Barba, and she finally knew she was safe. She gasped for breath, and he rubbed her back. "It's okay, Liv. Are you back?"

"Yeah." She looked at him with stinging eyes, her shoulders drooping. "Thank you."

"It's fine. I'm sorry, Liv."

"It's okay."

As he held her hand, he squatted next to her and said, "I don't know if this such a good idea, Liv."

Her head heavy with the implications of his statement, she rested it in her hand. "But that means he walks."

"Maybe I can get a plea out of him still, but yeah, it definitely throws a wrench in things."

"Then I have to testify."

"Yeah. Unless we end up finding Jessica Schuster. Then I could go after him for murder, and you wouldn't need to testify. But the squad's been working on it this whole time since you were abducted, and they haven't been able to find a body."

She nodded and stood, feeling like she needed to pace. "I can't do this anymore tonight, Rafael. I need to think."

Part Two

At 2:00 a.m., Amanda rubbed her eyes and picked up her phone, which had been flashing and buzzing. Reading it at first caused her middle to rip to shreds, and then she threw her head back on her pillow.

The text, with the heading of "Captain", read, Sorry this is so late. Hope I don't wake you up. I was hoping we could talk tomorrow? It's work-related. Another one soon followed. I'm sorry, Amanda. I should have waited until tomorrow.

The two messages had both been sent before Amanda had a chance to pick up. "Shit," she thought. Immediately she sent back, It's fine, Liv. Everything okay?

Olivia immediately texted back, Yes, I'm fine. While Amanda was thinking of just the right thing to say, Olivia sent, I promise.

Amanda smiled. Olivia knew she would be worried something big was going down. But did she also know that if it weren't for her kids, she would be jumping in the car right now and on her way to Liv's just to make sure there wasn't a crisis of some kind? She had not seen Olivia in five months, and her captain had not been back to work yet. Fin was about go crazy standing in for her, and they were all overwhelmed, flooded with cases.

She tried to mask the flutters in her stomach. Sure, I can talk.

My place okay?

Amanda sighed. Yes.

And then she couldn't get back to sleep, her racing mind preventing her from even closing her eyes. What did she want to talk about? Work-related? Was she resigning? But then why did she need to tell Amanda first, and why in person? Does she want me to talk her out of it? What if something else was wrong, and this was code? Her thoughts barraged her, stealing her sleep until she gave up and took a shower.

As soon as the sun was up, she had her work clothes on and was sipping a cup of coffee. She texted Olivia, You up?

Expecting to wait a while for a response, she nearly dribbled her coffee when she got the response. Yes. Come over whenever.

The baby-sitter was over soon after, and she kissed the girls and drove as fast as she could through rush-hour city traffic. She'd decided she wasn't going to leisurely stroll over on foot, so she zig-zagged like a taxi driver. Once she was in front of Olivia's building, she shielded her eyes and looked up, unable to even see the ledge where Olivia had been sitting. Bad memories of this place. She shuddered and rang the bell.

"Hey, come up."

The elevator ride was almost as long as it had been that terror-filled night, and Amanda started sweating, her cheeks on fire. When the elevator dinged, she shook it off and exited onto Olivia's floor, re-imagining the roof. But now she was in front of Olivia's door, and it was a different day.

Amanda had been to see Dr. Hanover weekly since Olivia's close call on the roof, and for a couple of weeks, she even fit in two sessions. Some nights, she'd sat up straight in the darkness, waking from realistic nightmares of Olivia leaning forward and falling like a stone.

Now she snapped to attention as the door clicked open. Liv swung the door open and got a good look at her, and she froze until Liv said, "Come in."

Amanda tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she shouldered past Olivia and into the living room, which immediately sent a swarm of memories her way. Get out! Olivia had shouted at her, just before shoving her. Pulling herself back into the present moment, Amanda tried to get her trembling hands under control. "Where do you want me?"

Olivia pointed to the couch on the way to the armchair perpendicular to it. "There is fine. Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, thanks."

Amanda sat and waited, watching Olivia's tall, lanky frame as she dropped into the chair. She was dressed casual, jeans and a low-cut sweater, and by the sheen of her hair and the gleam of her skin, Amanda could tell she was taking care of herself. Afraid to ask, Amanda finally blurted, "You're okay?"

"Yeah," Olivia said assuredly.

"Well you look good."

Olivia rubbed her hands on her pants. "Thanks. Everyone needs to stop saying that. I'm going to stop believing it."

Amanda let loose a small chuckle. Before she could ask, Olivia offered, "I'm sorry I got in touch, Amanda. I just…need to touch base."

Amanda couldn't breathe from the sudden weight on her chest. "About what?"

"I need to know, are you any closer to finding Jessica Schuster?"

Suddenly Amanda's breathing steadied, and she started saying, "Olivia, you know I can't—"

"I know, I know, Amanda. I'm sorry for asking. But I was just hoping for some sliver of an update on the case. Barba says if you guys find her, Clark will definitely get time."

Amanda nodded, suddenly understanding. Now she said the quiet part. "You wouldn't have to testify. What if she's still alive, Liv?"

"She's not. He confessed to me."

Amanda shook her head, staring past Olivia to the window. The height almost gave her vertigo now. "We've looked. I don't know where else to search. Unless you have ideas?"

Olivia froze, and now Amanda thought maybe this hadn't been such a good idea, especially asking for Olivia to search through her memories.

To her amazement, Olivia looked at her with calm resolve and said, "I can't think of anything, Amanda. If I do, I'll let you know."

Amanda leaned forward. "You know, Liv, don't even go there. Don't worry about it, okay?"

Olivia stared at her. "I'm telling you, Amanda, I'm not going to break down. Everything's going to be fine. Look at me." Amanda met her gaze. Once she had Amanda's full attention, Liv said, "I promise you. I'm not even seeing things anymore, unless I'm being forced to pull up exact details in my testimony. But I'd be even better if I knew this guy was going to be locked up for a long, long time."

Amanda nodded, blinking back the tears from starting to form. "Okay," she said. "We'll get on this, Olivia. Fin's been having us pour over some new financials we found at Clark's house. Maybe we'll find something there."

"Thanks," said Olivia, her voice sounding stronger.

Amanda stood to leave, not wanting to wait around long enough for her inner impulses to carry her away. "I better get to work."

"Yeah." Olivia stood as well.

Amanda wanted to hug her, or just feel the touch of her skin on her fingers. But flashbacks of her own helplessness while she watched her favorite woman fade into psychosis lingered in Amanda's psyche, and she had to get out of there before she dropped to the floor and huddled in the fetal position herself.

Without even looking back at those glimmering eyes, she started toward the door while saying, "I'll call you, okay?"

She grabbed her coat off the coat rack on the way out, and she heard over her shoulder, "Amanda—"

But she ignored Olivia until she was in the hallway, and then she stopped to cry while waiting for the elevator, wishing she didn't have to hurt Olivia so much every time she left here.

Part Three

Amanda decided to throw herself into her work for the rest of the day, but while she was sitting at her desk, her mind drifted to Olivia. How had Liv taken Amanda's abrupt departure? Amanda couldn't concentrate on monthly statements and bank records while she worried that Olivia was going to drive herself back into insanity by analyzing every angle of their relationship.

Or maybe Amanda was over-reacting. Either way, she needed to check in, for her own state of mind. She whipped up her phone and texted, Sorry for bouncing so fast. Not upset or anything.

Olivia replied right away, It's okay. Everything's fine.

Touch base tonight? Amanda texted.

Sounds good.

Amanda dove back into her paperwork, and within an hour, she'd found something of interest. She went in to find Fin, but he had gone out to grab some lunch. She texted Olivia again. Can I come over?

Now?

Yeah.

Sure.

And Amanda was on her way.

This time, on her way up in the elevator, she determined that she would focus on Olivia as she was right now, not the Olivia in the padded room, or the one sitting on the edge of a tall building, or the one catatonic in the psych ward. Instead, she was going to see Olivia as she had been—vivacious, fearless, hurricane strong. She showed up at the door with every intention of this superwoman vision of Olivia that she had seen after recovering from Lewis. That woman had to be in there still.

Her mouth open to take in the air she needed to refill her gasping lungs, Amanda stood in the doorway for much too long after the door opened, and then Olivia said, "Come in."

They scooted their chairs together in the kitchen to go over the receipts Amanda had scraped up. "I found this." She pointed to a faded scrap of paper. "Clark bought a hot dog stand a few years back."

Something went hollow in Olivia's eyes, but she said, "A hot dog stand."

"Yeah, and I called his ex-partner, and he confirmed that Clark was selling hot dogs on his days off to make extra money."

Olivia's eyes stared ahead, trance-like, and then she sniffed. Amanda ventured, "Do you—do you know anything about that, Liv?"

Olivia held the receipt in her hand and examined it like she was looking at a precious piece of antiquity. "He always smelled like mustard."

"Oh my God," Amanda said, practically snatching the paper from Olivia. "If we could find the cart—"

"She might be in it."

"Okay, hold on." She walked away to call Fin, telling him to search for records of a storage space somewhere where he could be stashing something like that. She returned to the table with a sense of excitement, feeling like a hound on the scent of a fox.

"He's on it," she reported to Olivia.

"That's great."

During the conversation that followed, neither one of them looked at the other, both of them busy studying their hands, which fidgeted with every bit of paperwork scattered about. "Liv," said Amanda. "I'm sorry for earlier."

"It's fine, Amanda."

"No it's not. I shouldn't just run out on you."

"I didn't take it hard."

Amanda watched Olivia's hands, wishing she could touch one for even a few seconds, getting a fleeting feel of their smoothness.

Abruptly, and with a sense of urgency, Olivia said, "I'm sorry, Amanda."

"For what?"

Amanda kept her hands still while waiting for an answer.

"For putting you through that…for almost making you a witness to my own suicide."

"No, no. It's okay, Liv. Don't blame yourself for that. I know you've been—"

"Been through a lot. I know. But I should have stopped myself. I should have been thinking about how that made you feel. It was no way to treat you."

Amanda hid her breath, which had become sketchy and halting. In, out, through the nose. She could feel Olivia's gaze on her face, and she said quietly, "Thank you, Liv. I accept your apology."

"I'm just wondering, Amanda, how are you since that night?"

Amanda tensed up, not expecting the question from someone who should be the recipient of it instead. "I'm doing alright."

Olivia scooted in her chair a little, making a scraping sound. "Okay, because I put you through a lot that night. And I may never be able to make up for that. But I promise you, I will never do that again."

Amanda finally turned and met her gaze to make sure the sincerity was there and was rewarded with way more compassion than she had ever expected to see from someone reeling from so much abuse. "Thank you for saying that, Liv. I'm sorry too."

"Why, because you couldn't sit there and hold my hand every second while also fighting off my insane advances?"

Amanda smiled weakly. "I should have known better than to get that close."

"You weren't the only guilty party in that whole business, you know."

"Yeah, I know. I'm seeing my therapist about it now."

"Good."

"Yeah. I started going back to see her after Clark took you. But it wasn't just that." She ran a hand through her hair, unsure how much she wanted to reveal to Olivia. But then it just slipped out. "You know when Frank Bucci took me at gunpoint? When I was talking to him, I started to realize how fucked up I really am. Like, I always date guys who aren't good for me. Men who use me, or who leave me the next day after sex."

"I'm sorry, Amanda."

"I'm sorry for talking about this. I didn't mean—"

"Hey, it's okay. You've been there for me. Now it's my turn."

Amanda brushed away a tear before it could escape. It felt good to discuss something other than the psychopath who had destroyed Olivia. "Thanks. I just want to have healthy relationships, you know? Set a good example for my girls."

Olivia's voice was so gentle that it made Amanda's heart hurt. "I hear you. You know, Dr. Lindstrom said that to be loved and respected by someone else, you need to love and respect yourself first."

Amanda waited a beat. "And, do you?"

"What?"

"Love and respect yourself?"

Olivia attempted a sly smile. "I'm working on it."

Amanda slipped a quiet hand over Olivia's, forgetting for a second that she was trying to keep her distance. Quickly realizing her mistake, she stood to leave. She needed to get back to work so she could find Clark's murder victim.

But as she started to gather all her stuff, she felt Olivia staring at her, still planted in the chair. Then Olivia stood and rushed to her, a cyclone of urgent activity, and stood mere feet away, looking longingly. As Amanda grabbed her bag off the back of the chair, Olivia gripped her wrist.

Amanda froze, warm tingles traveling up both her arms. "Liv, I—I can't."

Olivia let go, and Amanda struggled to get up the will to turn and carry her stuff to the door. Her breath caught as she gripped the door handle and tugged until there was nothing standing in the way of her exit. Her stomach did flip-flops, and she had sudden pangs of desire pulsing through her mid-section.

She took one step through the door and was stopped by Olivia's voice. "Amanda." She threw her head back and listened. "I understand. It's okay if you want to leave. I've accepted your absence—I've been living it for five months now. And it's okay."

Oh God. Here came the tears again, threatening to distort her thinking. She looked ahead through the open door. And then she turned to face Liv and let the door slide shut behind her.

She swallowed hard. "I'm just…worried. I don't want to make things worse for you."

She noticed Olivia's Adam's apple rise and fall as she, too, gulped down her uncertainty. "I get it, Amanda. I'm not going to stop you if you don't want to get too close."

Amanda's words fluttered around in her mouth, unable to materialize smoothly. "And what will—what will you do?"

"I've got ways to cope." They stared at one another, and Amanda nearly jumped out of her skin when Olivia took several steps toward her until they were face to face. "Amanda, you deserve a loving relationship. And you deserve respect."

Amanda flinched as if she'd been hit. She hadn't heard those words before, from anyone. Olivia lifted one finger to her face, using it to gently trace a strand of hair around her ear. "I mean it," she whispered. "You're special. Anybody would be lucky to have you."

Amanda still couldn't get up the courage to kiss her, scared away by memories of looking into those traumatized eyes while worrying about the damage she might inflict. But Olivia's hand was now cupped behind her ear, her fingers delicately gliding over her hair, and she had no choice but to give into the magnetic pull of Olivia's presence before her.

She pulled Olivia's head close until they were cheek to cheek, breathing into her ear, "Thank you."

Olivia's hand was on her back now, making her legs weaken, and she had her lips so close to Olivia's ear that they were only a whisper away before she closed the distance and kissed the side of Olivia's head.

When Olivia gasped out a shuddering sigh, it became too much for Amanda to resist, and she planted a series of slow kisses along Olivia's cheek, and then her jawline, leading up to the corner of those irresistible lips. Eyes closed, she whispered into Liv's mouth, "It's not too late to stop."

With one trembling breath, Olivia set off a whirlwind. "Don't stop."

Amanda's lips made contact with Olivia's, and both of them shivered as they tentatively pressed together. Then Olivia's mouth steadily grew in aggression, easily probing at first, and then hungrily driving against Amanda's mouth until her tongue flitted inside, eliciting an unexpected moan. Even though she'd only gotten a taste in the past, she'd forgotten just how much she missed these lips.

All her inhibitions went out the window, and she suddenly needed more of the tantalizing body before her. She pulled Olivia into her, their breasts now pressing into one another, and now Olivia was the one letting out a wistful "Mmm…"

As their mouths continued their ravenous explorations, Amanda became emboldened by Olivia's moan and gripped Olivia's breast, running her thumb over the top of it, pressing hard against layers of sweater. "Amanda," Liv moaned into her mouth. "My God."

Spurred on by her reaction, Amanda burrowed her hand under all those clothes and Liv's bra and cupped her breast, massaging it. Olivia threw her head back and groaned, unrestrained. Unable to resist any further, Amanda lowered her head to Olivia's chest and pulled Liv's breast to her lips, kissing gently at first, and then sucking until Olivia's gasps intensified, her hand pressing Amanda's head even deeper.

In a moment of apprehension, Amanda ripped her head away from Olivia's hardened nipple, keeping her hand there instead. Still teasing the rippling flesh with her fingers, she stood. "Liv, you sure this is okay?"

Liv looked at her through slitted eyes, and Amanda's gut tightened suddenly, worrying that the previously-traumatized woman had become lost in a trance. But she exhaled forcefully when Olivia said, "It's exactly what I need, Amanda."

Olivia brought her hands to Amanda's face, and in a moment of clarity amongst the haze of sexual tension, she said, "I'm not going to slip away on you, Amanda. None of this brings back memories of the bad times, because I know you're not going to hurt me."

Amanda stared into her glossy eyes, searching them for any signs of delusion, and when she found none, she fell forward into another kiss, probing deeply with her tongue this time. As she continued massaging Olivia's breast, she leaned into her, rubbing her thigh against Olivia's crotch.

"Gah," Olivia moaned against Amanda's lips.

Amanda reluctantly removed her hand from Olivia's breast and used it to first unfasten Olivia's pants, and then she slid her fingers down into the inside of Olivia's underwear and found the sweet, mushy spot she'd been searching for. Olivia tensed up, and Amanda stopped for a second, until she realized from Olivia's needy panting that she was just reacting to the intensity of the ecstatic touch. "Don't stop," said Olivia's breathy voice.

Amanda resumed her methodical stroking of Olivia's clit while capturing her mouth in hers, and Olivia responded by pulling up Amanda's shirt and burying both hands around her breasts.

"Mphh," she responded, stopping her massage of Olivia's pussy until she was able to regain focus.

Olivia thumbed Amanda's nipples, and she pushed Oliva back until she was sitting against the table. And then she had to straddle Olivia's thigh, rubbing her crotch against it while she continued to pleasure Olivia with her probing fingers. Olivia's vaginal lips swelled up around her fingers, and her own crotch started to throb against Olivia's leg. The euphoria grew so strong that their mouths stopped moving, locked into place against each other. And then Olivia's panting intensified, and Amanda's fingers massaged Olivia's clit so fast and furious that it was swollen and wet, nearing a bursting point.

Amanda usually needed intense stimulation of her own clitoris to achieve climax, nearly always requiring a hard pounding to get off. But she found herself on the cusp now, so turned on by Olivia's response to her probing fingers that just rubbing against Olivia's leg with all her clothes on brought her to the verge.

And just then, Olivia's moans grew louder and high-pitched, and she could tell from the way she threw her head back that she was at her peak as well. Liv thrust her crotch against Amanda's fingers, her clit throbbing and twitching. The climax was too much for Amanda, causing her own body to quiver and shake until she reached an orgasmic bliss that felt as if she was floating on clouds. She writhed until she came down, keeping her fingers pressed into Olivia until she, too, started to relax.

Between panting breaths, Olivia said, "Oh my God, Amanda. That was amazing."

Amanda planted lingering kisses on and around her mouth, pausing in between to say, "And you're okay?"

Still trying to catch her breath, Olivia captured Amanda's face in her hands, forcing eye contact. "I'm on top of the world. I love you, Amanda."

They couldn't stop kissing after that, but Amanda eventually knew she had to pull herself away and get back to work before Fin started frantically texting her, drilling her about where she'd been. Olivia let her go finally, watching her gather her stuff once more, and stopping her at the door to caress her hair one last time. "Thank you, Amanda, for taking a chance."

Amanda smiled, still lost in a dreamy trance. She cupped Olivia's cheek and said, "I'm just glad you're better. You're so beautiful, Liv, inside and out. And I love you too."

They kissed one last time, deep and meaningful, and then she slipped away before she could change her mind and lie in Olivia's arms forever.

Amanda held her breath the entire time while she waited for a reply. Then she emptied a chest-full of air and looked at the message.