Author's comments: Well, thank you guys for coming along for the ride. Even though it was traumatic and difficult at times, I enjoyed this fic so much, and once again, thanks for the comments!

Story of My Life

Chapter Fifteen

Part One

"Thank you all for coming out here tonight." Olivia had notes in front of her, but she didn't feel the need to consult them. She scanned the audience, pleased at the turn-out. Most of the people she cared about had come—Fin, Amanda, Carisi, Kat, Barba, even John Munch and Elliot. Fin had planned the entire party—thrown in the same bar as John Munch's retirement—probably because he was tired of running SVU and ready for someone else to do it. "First, I want to say congratulations to Detective Amanda Rollins, who has been promoted to First Grade Detective, ESU."

There was applause, and Olivia knew more than most that it was well-deserved. On the day the decision had been made, Amanda was out of her mind with indecisiveness. "I don't know, Liv. I want to stay with you guys. I know you have my back."

Olivia had thrown her hands up, as they discussed the opportunity in Amanda's apartment. "I get it, Amanda. I'm not pressuring you to take it. I'll leave SVU instead. Maybe I should just go ahead and retire. Find a new gig."

They had known that both of them couldn't stay with the squad. Not with their relationship blossoming the way it had been—it was forbidden as fraternization for a supervisor to have a romantic relationship with an inferior officer. With talks of them finding an apartment together, it had become obvious that they would have to separate at work. Splitting up their personal lives was not an option for either of them.

"No, absolutely not," said Amanda. "SVU needs you, Liv. And you already told me you want to go back. I think it would be best for you."

Olivia had stayed away from work as long as she possibly could, which turned out to be eight months since Clark abducted her, three months since she'd killed him. She was still a bit raw, but sitting around at home was not in her DNA. Once again, Dr. Lindstrom had broached the subject of Olivia changing careers to something that was safer, a job that wouldn't trigger her with constant reminders of sexual assault.

"No, you're right," she'd said to Amanda. "I've talked about this extensively with Dr. Lindstrom, and I can't imagine being anyplace else than SVU. And I'm bored out of my mind. Work has always been a way to focus on something bigger than myself and help others."

"It's settled, then." Amanda nestled Olivia's hand in hers. "ESU is actually the best alternative for me."

"You'll do great, Amanda. It is the elite response unit of NYPD, and I think you'll really thrive there." She squeezed Amanda's hand. "And maybe you'll get to rescue more jumpers."

"Don't joke like that, Liv."

"I'm not joking."

At ESU, Amanda would receive more training, learning how to repel from helicopters, how to talk to emotionally disturbed persons, how to climb the Brooklyn Bridge to talk down people threatening to jump. Olivia could envision Amanda using her innate bravery to save lives in the position, and she'd already been accepted, when ninety percent of applicants were rejected.

"Yeah, well there's not going to be many women there. Only a handful of the five-hundred or so officers are female."

"And so, you'll form a tight bond with them. Look, I know one of those women, and she told me she always feels like the men in her unit have her back."

Amanda had hugged her and thanked her for the encouragement, and then accepted the position.

Now Olivia got to announce Amanda's new position to a roomful of their friends and associates. She wanted nothing more than to announce the reason behind Amanda's transfer, but she suspected that most of them knew.

Anyway, this gathering was not to celebrate their jaunt as a couple, but Olivia's return as Captain, starting next Monday. After she'd returned to work following her ordeal with Lewis, Olivia had joked that there weren't cupcakes, and this time, the squad had took that to heart and thrown her a party. Besides, this time had seemed more monumental, because of the massive hurdles she'd had to overcome. But a psychological exam had amazingly declared her free from the hallucinations and fit for duty.

She continued her speech, which she intended to keep short. "Secondly, I'm very happy to be coming back to SVU, an event which may not seem that important to some. But I think that most of you know the challenges I've faced."

She still remembered the moment when she had realized she was going to be okay. After she had stabbed Clark, there had been an investigation, of course, and this time, she'd been relieved of all responsibility for his death. But Amanda had still worried about her and had invited her and Noah to stay in her cramped apartment until Liv could find another place to live. They had kept things light, with Noah and Olivia sleeping in the living room. Amanda had not pushed for anything more, and Olivia was still reeling from the violence in her home.

About a month later, Amanda came home from work, interrupting Olivia, who had been looking at brochures for apartments. It was a Friday, and Noah and the girls had gone to stay the weekend with Amanda's mother. It was obvious Amanda had been crying, and Olivia stopped what she was doing to go to her. "What's wrong?" she asked, resting a hand on her shoulder.

Amanda tried to look away but kept glancing back at Olivia. "I—I don't know how to talk to you about this, Liv."

"Come on, let's go sit on the couch."

After taking their seats, Amanda set her hands flat on her lap, fidgeting. "I just talked to Sonny."

"Yeah, and?" But butterflies swarmed in Olivia's stomach. Was this a break-up speech?

She glanced up at Olivia with sheepish eyes. "You know he and I…kissed the night Fin was supposed to get married?"

She had known, although they'd never talked about it. "Yeah."

Amanda studied her hands. "After that night, he and I never talked about it, but he backed off. And I guess he was just worried about me, figured I needed time to process everything that had happened with you."

"Okay." Her belly did an array of flip-flops, anticipating the worst.

"Well, we talked about it today." She looked at Olivia now, who was about to pass out from holding her breath. "And I told him about you—about us."

Olivia's voice got soft. "Yeah, and what did you tell him?"

"That I developed…feelings for you. And that I still have those feelings."

Expelling a shaky breath, Olivia said, "How did he take it?"

"Not well." Tears began to stain her eyes red. "He was mad. Didn't think it was a good idea. Couldn't believe after all the time he and I spent getting to know each other as partners…"

Amanda wiped a tear away, and Olivia gently picked up her other hand. "I'm sorry, Amanda."

"You know," she sniffed, "he's a good guy. He's one of the few, in fact. And all this time, I didn't think I deserved him. And now that I realize I do, I don't want him anymore. But it still hurts."

"Yeah, I get it. I went through it with Elliot, remember?"

"Yeah." Amanda nodded. "I guess I feel like a piece of shit for hurting him."

Olivia rubbed Amanda's hand. "Hey, if there's one thing that I've learned in all this, it's that you can't deny your own feelings."

"Yeah."

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Olivia pulled her in for a hug, clutching her hair. When they pulled away, their faces separated by a whisper, Olivia cupped Amanda's cheek in her hand. "Do you have any doubts about breaking things off with him?"

The sincerity strong in her eyes, Amanda said, "Not at all, Liv. I love you."

Amanda hooked the back of Olivia's neck with her hand and gently reeled her in. Olivia hesitated when their lips touched, but then captured Amanda's bottom lip in her mouth. Their mouths glided against one another, sending shivers down Olivia's spine.

Olivia scooped an arm around Amanda and pulled her closer, and Amanda gasped. She licked her lips, and then lowered them to Olivia's neck, planting deliberate kisses all the way to her ear. Olivia threw her head back, taking in the warm breath on her skin. Amanda pressed against her, gently guiding her backwards until she was laying back on the couch.

Now that Amanda lay on top of her, she could barely breathe, and not because of the weight pressing down on her. Amanda kissed her once again, her chest pressing against Olivia's, and she could feel both their hearts beating in sync. With their breasts jammed together, Olivia felt Amanda's hardened nipples through her thin blouse, and she arched her back from the buzz spreading through her compressed flesh.

Amanda slid her hands up Olivia's sides until she reached Olivia's firm breasts, and she swept her fingers lightly over the edges of them. Olivia tried unsuccessfully to stifle a moan.

"Liv?" Amanda said, licking her lips.

"Hmm?" Olivia hoped she didn't feel like talking right now, because she was lost in a dreamy haze of sensual overload.

"Sure this is okay?"

Olivia threw her head back, barely able to speak. "Yeah, please. Keep going." But Amanda had paused, and Olivia looked up to see a glint of worry in her eyes. "Amanda, I love you, and I trust you. And I'm ready for this. Please don't stop."

Amanda only looked at her for one more moment, and then she slowly unbuttoned Liv's blouse slowly, and Olivia nearly cringed from the anticipation. She cupped one hand on Amanda's still-covered breast and used the other to stroke Amanda's temple, and now Amanda's eyes narrowed to slits, lost in the pleasure of their mutual touch.

After slipping the rest of Olivia's blouse off, she lowered her mouth to Olivia's chest and began to gently kiss her breastplate, working her way out to the fleshy part of Olivia's breast, each kiss lingering on her skin. One hand cupped each breast as well, and the combination of squeezing with each kiss nearly sent Olivia over the edge, causing her to arch her back. "Oh God, Amanda," she murmured.

She brushed Amanda's hair back from her face so she could see those tantalizing cerulean blue eyes staring seductively at her. "You're so beautiful, Amanda."

Amanda responded by sucking on her nipple, and she thought how nobody had ever touched her in a way that made her body come to life this much. Wanting more of Amanda's skin on her own, she removed Amanda's shirt much faster than her own had been and leaned forward into Amanda some more so she could work on getting her pants off as well.

Her leg glided into Amanda's crotch, setting off a low-pitched moan from underneath those golden locks. Olivia grabbed one of Amanda's breasts in each hand, and she could feel herself throbbing from the waist down. Amanda made it worse when she started suckling one breast while she removed Olivia's pants.

Olivia breathed haltingly, and Amanda slid her hand underneath Olivia's silk panty-line, making her squirm. She didn't go straight for the target, teasing instead by gliding her fingers on either side of Olivia's clit.

Olivia gulped. "God, Amanda, I never knew it could be this good."

Amanda stared up at her with longing eyes and said, "You're so stunning when you're aroused."

As she said the words, she slid her hand along Olivia's slit, eliciting a long moan and then, "Mm, just you saying the word aroused has me turned on."

"I can turn you on in other ways too," Amanda mumbled, bringing her face down to Olivia's muff.

Olivia tried to reach her hands down to keep them attached to Amanda's breasts, but they slipped away when Amanda flattened her tongue and smashed it into Olivia's clit. Olivia arched her back to the ever-present and worsening aching in her groin. She had to let go of Amanda's chest so she could lay back, but she gripped Amanda's hair instead, trying not to pull too hard when she got carried away.

As Amanda licked her into a frenzy, she stopped her before she could reach her peak. "Come up here," she whispered. "I want to kiss you."

Amanda slid her body against Olivia's until they were face to face again, finding Olivia's clit once more so she could rub slow circles with her thumb. Olivia reached for Amanda's slit as well, feeling Amanda's clit plump up against her probing fingers. Their breasts moved and slicked against each other with the methodical motion of their hands, sweat causing their flesh to slide together until Olivia could no longer tell her body from Amanda's.

Olivia's gasps came closer and closer together as Amanda's fingers kneaded faster and harder, until she was panting, and an electrical current intensified at the base of her spine and began to rise. Amanda squirming against her hand set her off even more, easing her closer to the edge of ecstasy until Amanda's lips smashed against her neck, setting off the most erotic climax she'd ever experienced, her hips jerking up against Amanda's palm.

Amanda began to explode soon after, writhing and shuddering into Olivia's fingers, leaving a slick coating of juice on their tips. She kissed Amanda during her peak, leaving her exhaling a series of moans that left a satisfying buzz in Olivia's mouth. She kissed Amanda's forehead and then her cheek as they both came down, and Amanda swept her palm against Olivia's dampened hair.

Then Olivia rolled onto her back and pulled Amanda into her, until her blonde hair splayed across her chest while her head rested solidly on Olivia's shoulder. Her breath caused tufts of Amanda's hair to sway as her fingers played with soft, sandy strands of it.

"Liv?" Amanda breathed onto her neck.

"Yeah?"

"That was amazing. But…" Olivia held her breath while Amanda hesitated. "It's hard for me not to worry about you."

"You mean because of Clark?"

"Yeah."

Olivia pulled away so she could roll over and look Amanda in the eye, one hand still intertwined in her hair. "When I was in the psyche ward—that was the most terrifying time of my life. I thought I was going to live in fear for the rest of my life." Amanda found Olivia's hand and squeezed it. "But something happened in the weeks and months after, especially after I…" She gulped. "After I killed Clark. Something in me shifted in that moment. I can't explain it. I guess it's an energetic thing. But I was no longer afraid after that."

Amanda looked on the verge of tears, and Olivia raised Amanda's hand to her lips and kissed it. Then she said, "And I think—no, I know—that after that, I knew I would never let anyone else into my life who was going to hurt me. I think that's why I'm so drawn to you." Amanda squeezed her body tight against her, sliding a leg in between Olivia's. "I feel safe with you, Amanda, because I know you'll never hurt me."

Amanda kissed her, then said, "I feel the same way about you."

Olivia bristled at her own sudden thought. "What about Sonny? Like you said, he's a good guy, like he would be safe."

Amanda swept a strand of Olivia's hair behind her ear. "Yeah, but he's not you. You're so beautiful, Olivia, inside and out. And I love you."

Olivia hugged her close and kissed her hard, pulling away only long enough to say, "I love you, too." And then she felt something stirring within her, and knew she was ready to explore Amanda's soft skin all over again.

It was in that moment that Olivia knew she would be able to go back to work. Before that, she had been hesitant, worrying that the hallucinations would return, or that the constant reminders of sexual assault would be too much. But saying out loud that she was no longer afraid fortified something insider her, and she felt stronger than she had in her entire life.

And now, weeks later, in front of all these people, she had the courage to speak up about her ordeal, even if it was just to show her gratitude. "I just want to thank the people who helped me get here, without naming too many names, because all of you have helped in your own way. All my closest allies—Kat, Rafael, Elliot, Sonny, Fin—especially Fin. Dr. Peter Lindstrom was invaluable to my recovery, and I don't know if I'd be here if it weren't for him. Or all of you.

"But I want to draw attention for a moment to someone who played a special part in getting me here today. Amanda Rollins." Olivia stared directly at her, and Amanda hunkered down in her seat, glancing around at all the people who now had their eyes on her. Blushing now, she turned her sapphire eyes up to make contact with Olivia's, and never once looked away.

"Amanda was there for me every moment when I needed her." Her voice started to crack, and she cleared it, talking softer now, as if they were the only two in the room. "When I was feeling empty, she filled me up. When I felt like I couldn't walk, she gave me strength. She supported me through the darkest days of my life, and it's made me a better person."

Amanda covered her face, trying not to cry. Olivia sniffed a tear away and tried not to choke up. "And it's because of all this love and support that I get to return to my former position as captain of SVU. So, thank you all. And finally, I just want to leave you all with this final word of advice. Don't ever let your story define you, let it empower you."

There was applause as she shuffled her notes and stepped down from the stage, and she went straight to Amanda, who was waiting for her with open arms. They hugged for a long time, ignoring all the people crowding in to give pats on the back and murmur, "Good speech".

Olivia didn't ever want to let go, but music was playing now, and she pulled back just enough to say, "Dance with me?"

Amanda nodded with a nervous smile, and without letting go of one another, they began to sway to a love song. The crowd backed away from them, watching at first, and then mingling with one another. The lights flashed in Amanda's eyes, and Olivia couldn't get enough of their starry shine, placing a hand on the side of her face to try and capture this moment forever.

END