Chapter 64: Lexa

It isn't long after Clarke finishes her shower that we land in Dubai. As we exit the airport, there's a guy holding a sign with my name on it. I walk over to him, and he says, "My name is Ali Issawi, and I will be your driver while you are here. If you follow me, I will take you to the van, and we will head to the hotel. You will be staying at the W Abu Dhabi on Yas Island, where the fights are being held. Stryker, once you are checked in to the hotel, you are to meet with Dana in conference room B. After that, the rest of your group is free to explore. Your meeting shouldn't take longer than an hour."

I thank him, and we follow him to the van. On the drive to the hotel, Clarke says that she will explore the hotel a bit while I'm in my meeting and then meet me back in the room. My appointment is over two hours later, and I am heading back to the room to meet Clarke. The meeting was pretty standard stuff, telling me what is required of me while in Dubai. There are two fan-meet and greets. Other than that, it's just the weigh-in and fight. I can't wait to show Clarke around, and I want to go see Indra. I have another tattoo that I want to get.

When I get to the room, I don't see Clarke on the lower level, which means she is probably in the bedroom. I head upstairs but don't see her right away. As I walk farther into the bedroom, I hear a sound that makes my blood run cold: sobbing. Not quite, restrained sobbing, but loud, depths-of-despair sobs. Clarke was crying like the world was ending, and I couldn't tell where she was.

"Clarke?" I called, panic creeping into my voice. I had only heard her cry like this once, and that was when I walked in on Finn raping her. Walking around to the other side of the king-size bed, I finally saw her. She was sitting on the floor, arms around her knees, clutching a small white object. She looked up at me helplessly, her beautiful green eyes filled with pain.

"Sweetie, what's going on?" I ask gently. I kneel in front of Clarke, putting my hands on her knees.

"I can't…." Clarke gulped. She held her hands out, presenting me with the thing she was holding, looking deeply ashamed.

I had no idea what she was handing me. I had never seen one before. It looked like a thermometer, but instead of showing numbers for your temperature, the little window showed a plus sign. "Um…babe, what is this? What does the plus sign mean?"

"It's…have you never…it's a pregnancy test. The plus means…."

She didn't finish her sentence because she began to sob uncontrollably again. I pull her up to her feet and scoop her up into my arms. I then carry her to the couch and sit her in my lap. Deep in my brain, I know exactly what she's trying to tell me, but it seemed to take time for the understanding to reach the forefront of my mind. The reality just seems too unbearable to acknowledge.

"You're…you're pregnant?" I say slowly.

Clarke nods, tears streaming down her face.

"How…how? How can you be pregnant? Oh, Clarke." I hold her trembling in my arms, feeling like my heart had dropped down to my stomach. This had been my worst fear that somehow that asshole Finn would continue to hurt my Clarke even after what he did. Now my baby was faced with an impossible choice, all because of Finn.

"I don't know what to do," Clarke sobbed. "I don't know what to do."

I hold her tight while she snuggles her face into the crook of my neck as she sat on my lap. "You don't have to have this baby," I say softly. "I can take you someplace, have it taken care of. No one even has to know."

"But what if this is my only chance to have a baby?" Clarke asks plaintively. "You are so good with Asher, and…you said you wanted to have a kid with me after the last UFC fight. I know you were on morphine…but…What if…what if I have an abortion and then can't have anymore. There is always that risk? Plus, I don't think I can have an abortion. It is too much like murder."

"It's YOUR choice," I acknowledge. "If you want to have it, then do it. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. But, yes, I said I wanted to have kids with you, but only if you want them too, and I definitely didn't think it would happen like this, but I think you'd be an amazing mother."

"But…what if they try to take it away, or what if it looks like him, and it affects my ability to bond with it?"

I blow out a breath. "Well, then I don't know. I can promise that they will never take it away from us if you decide to have it."

Clarke's tears began anew. "I don't know what to do!"

"I know. I know, Ya Amar. You don't have to decide right now. Whatever you do, though, I'm here for you."

"Sometimes, I can still feel him inside me. Forcing himself on me. I tried to resist and fight back, but he was too strong. I hit him and scratched him, but he hit me back so hard that it knocked me out for a few minutes, and…when I woke up, he had me pinned down, and I couldn't move."

I hold her tight and run my fingers through her hair. "Hey, it's not your fault. There nothing you could have done." I can see it in my mind: Clarke trying to fight back, frightened, crying the way she is now, trying desperately to defend herself against that bastard while he beat her unconscious. Clarke should never have been subjected to that kind of violence never.

"I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen." Clarke continued.

"He is a monster, okay?" I say fiercely. "You can't reason with monsters. But, if you decide you want to have it, I promise I won't let the Collins' take it away from us no matter what."

"Okay, I just feel like I should have done more to fight back…."

"Listen to me," I interrupt. "There is nothing anyone could have done to stop what happened."

She pulls back, looking at me, "You could've. It wouldn't have happened to you!"

"That's not true, and you know it. Finn might not have been able to do it to me, but Omar and at least five others were. I know I never told you the whole story, so…here goes. I want you to realize that it can happen to anyone. You did nothing wrong. When I was being held by Ahmed, I wouldn't submit to their teachings. I wouldn't do what they told me to do. You should know by now that I have the stubbornness of a mountain goat, the loyalty of a puppy, and some say a heart the size of Alaska. I don't know about the last one, but I do know that I have a stubborn streak a mile long, so instead of doing the smart thing and let them think I was with them, I resisted. Because I resisted, they tortured me. The beatings I could take, even the hot irons on my back, but once they realized I was a woman, they figured raping me would be the way to break me, and they weren't wrong to an extent." I pause to get my thoughts together.

"Lexa, you don't have to."

"Yes, I do. I need you to know everything, that it can happen to anyone, even me. They chained my hands to the wall and laid me across a table like Finn had you, bent over the table. Then they chained my feet to the floor as wide as they would go. Omar went first, followed by the rest of his squad. I counted five before I passed out from the pain. They did this twice a day for at least a week before I figured out that I need to make them believe that they had broken me. They hit me, bit me, and fucked me so hard I didn't think that I would ever walk right again. In the end, I got my vengeance on all of them and Ahmed for letting them do that to me. So, you see, Ya Amar, even the strongest person can be taken advantage of under the right circumstance. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and neither do I. We both survived, and now we have each other to hold onto when we need to."

"I know that I have told you before about the way I shut down. Well, the therapist I saw in Afghanistan, Dr. Santiago, explained it to me like this: Most rape victims disassociate and experience the whole rape like an out-of-body experience. Disassociation is a survival mechanism natural to all humans. Sadly, many rape victims stay disassociated for the rest of their life. Furthermore, they may fluctuate in the degree to which they disassociate; what was a tool for surviving their rape becomes a learned coping strategy.

Dr. Santiago helped me figure out that it meant I couldn't feel things in the moment for me. People always remarked at how calm or cool I was, but it was because I had developed a way of living my life so that I was always somewhat removed from the experiences of my surroundings. At times it could be helpful as it was a way to numb pain, but it also meant I couldn't experience joy either. I was living my life with a glass wall between me and the rest of the world. My trust in the world and others were shattered, too, not that I had much, to begin with.

I struggled with a severe blow to my self-worth, again, not that I had much, to begin with. But even if you don't completely lose your self-worth, you end up in a never-ending battle, struggling to maintain your self-worth. I mean, you were just treated as less than human. They had no care for my feelings, for my fear, or for the pain I experienced in the encounter I just had with them. They just treated me as an object to fulfill their need for power or control, or dominance. That feeling of not even being worthy of being seen as a human being can stay with you forever.

When I met Ash, that was how I felt. I felt like I wasn't human. I was just a disposable object. I didn't care whether I lived or died as long as I did my job, whatever it was. I had no control over anything in my life, not even my body. My emotions were gone. All I knew was that I had to do what I was told, or I would be sent back to solitary and Omar. When I met Ash, I saw some of what I felt reflected in her eyes. I didn't know her story, but I knew she was in pain like me. She treated me like a person, though. The only one to do that since Blake. For that reason, I felt the need to prove myself to her, to make her trust me. The more time we spent together, the more human I started to feel. That's why I thought we were meant to be together. But then I met you…and I knew you were different that I wanted more with you. I want a family with you. I want to build a home with you."

"Lexa, I'm sorry…I…I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I just needed you to know that you are not alone. I'm here for whatever you need. If you want to have the baby, that's fine. If not, that's fine too."

"Thank you. I do have a question though, I thought you captured Ahmed and turned him over to the military. Is that how you repaid him for letting them torture you? I know that you killed everyone else, right?"

"Yes, I killed Omar and his men. When I told the story, I left this part out. I…I left out what I-I did to Ahmed because…I didn't want everyone, especially you, to think I was a monster. I told you that I would never lie to you, and I won't. I just hope that…that you don't see me differently after telling you this. After killing his men and then Omar, I cut off his head and his dick. I then wrapped them both in plastic and took them with me. The next part may make you decide that I am as big a monster as they were, but I feel like now is the time to get everything out. I don't want to have any secrets from you. When I infiltrated Ahmed's camp and captured him, I took both Omar's body parts with me. I instructed Reed and Jose to stand guard at the door while we waited on Bellamy's guys to get there, and I used Omar's dick to violate Ahmed the way they had me. I needed to make him feel as helpless as I did, and I don't regret it one bit. That night I had Finn pinned down with my knife on his dick. I had every intention of doing the same thing to him. If the cops hadn't shown up, I was going to cut it off and use it to do to him what he had done to you. I'm sorry if this makes you think that I am a monster, but sometimes, when bad things happen, the monster comes out of the darkness where I keep it, taking over, and I have to do bad things to those who have hurt my loved ones or me. I need you to know that you can talk to me about what happened with Finn, I've been through something similar, so maybe I can help. If you need it." When I finished, I could feel the tears running down my face.

"Babe, I could never think that you were a monster." She says as she wipes my tears away. "I love you, and nothing will ever change that."

"I love you too. I do have a question though, I thought you said you were going to take the emergency contraceptive so that this didn't happen?"

"I did take the emergency contraception. I didn't think I would get pregnant. I shouldn't have…."

For fuck's sake, was there no justice in this world? She did everything right, and it still ended up wrong. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. You don't deserve any of this."

"It's okay. It's not your fault."

"To some degree, it is. If I had never come into your life…, Should I call your mom?"

"No, it is not your fault, and I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn't come into my life. I don't know, probably. I know she is going to freak out but…yeah. Please call her and ask her to come up here while I go try and pull myself together a little."

"Sure thing." Before she can get up, I pull her in for a deep passionate kiss, and when I pull away, I say, "Everything will work out, I promise." She nods and gets up.

I call Abby and ask her if she can come to our room because I need to discuss some things about the fight. After I hang up, I ask Clarke if she would like me to stay or if she would like to talk to her mom alone. She says she wants me to stay, so that's what I do.

Clarke

I can't believe this is fucking happening. I took the stupid emergency contraceptive. It was supposed to keep this from happening. Lexa has been amazing as always; she knows exactly what to say and do. She even told me the horrible story of what happened to her while in Ahmed's camp. Hearing her story actually made me feel somewhat better because it made me feel as though it didn't happen because I was too weak to stop him. Now I just have to tell my mom and then figure out what to do.

I'm still in the bathroom staring at my reflection in the mirror, when I hear Lexa downstairs talking to mom. I splash some more water on my face and still my nerves before I head down. As I walk down the stairs, I hear Lexa say, "The only thing that you really have to do this week is be in my corner on fight night. The rest of the week, you are free to do whatever."

Mom says, "Okay, that gives me time to go shopping for equipment for the lab, and there are a couple of doctors that I have set up interviews with, one being a renowned OBGYN who specializes in victims of rape. Her name is Dalia Al-Mubarak. I have worked with her many times while with doctors without borders, and she would be a great addition to the research project, but she won't be cheap."

"Abby, I trust your judgment. Offer her whatever it takes to get her onboard, housing, moving expenses, and whatever salary she requires. If you say we need her, then get her."

"Alright, I have a meeting with her in the morning. Will you come with me?"

"If you need me too. Sure."

As I am listening to this conversation, all I can think is how ironic it is that they are talking about this with what I am about to tell my mom. I walk up behind Lexa and wrap my arms around her waist, hugging her from behind. I say hello to my mom and act like I didn't hear their conversation.

"What are you two talking about?"

Mom looks at me and says, "Honey, what's wrong? Have you been crying?" She then looks at Lexa, who just motions for everyone to sit.

Lexa takes a seat on the couch as mom takes the chair across from the sofa. I sit as close to Lexa as I can without being in her lap. She wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me in close. Mom watches our interaction closely then says, "Someone needs to start talking. What is going on?"

I lose it and start to cry again, then take the pregnancy test and lay it on the coffee table between mom and us. She looks at me and then takes the test and sees the plus sign. "Oh, honey. How…did you-did you not use the emergency contraceptive after?"

"I did, mom but-but…I guess it didn't work. What should I do? I don't know what…I don't know what to do."

Mom got up and came over to wrap me in a hug. "Honey, it is up to you. You don't have to have his baby if you don't want to. You have options. How far along are you?"

"It has been twelve weeks and two days since the incident."

"Okay, it is still early enough to obtain a medication abortion. You could just take the pill, go home, and wait for your body to rid itself of everything he left behind. You could rest in your own bed, and Lexa and I will be there."

"I know, mom, but what about the risks and the fact that it would be murder? We want to have kids someday, and what if…what if I abort this one and then can't have anymore?"

"Sweetie, you have time to think about this, but if you wait too long…you will have to go to the clinic for an invasive procedure."

"Mom, what should I do?"

"Clarke, I'm sure you'd be a great mother to any child you decide to have. The question is not whether you can do this, but whether you want to do this. You're the only one who can decide that. You know that I will be here for you whatever you decide."

Lexa speaks, "I know I have already said this, but I feel the need to repeat it. I'm not going anywhere either way. If you decide to have it, I will raise it with you. If you will allow me to, but if you don't want to have it. I understand and will be with you the whole time. Just know that if you do have it, I promise the Collins' will not take it away from you."

I take Lexa's face in my hands and kiss her. "Thank you for supporting me on this. I wasn't sure how you would feel about it…I mean, me considering not continuing the pregnancy."

Lexa shrugs, "I've never been in your position, so I don't really know what I would do, but even if I had been, what would be right for me wouldn't necessarily be right for you. I just want you to be okay."

"I'm only glad you're here. I could never have gotten through this without you."

"I'll be here as long as you will let me be. Hopefully forever."

Mom says, "Clarke, I have an appointment with an OBGYN tomorrow that I am trying to recruit for the research project. I have asked Lexa to come with me. If she has time, would you want her to examine you and confirm the pregnancy?"

"I think that would be a good idea. I need to treat this as if I'm going to keep it until I make a decision. I need to stay healthy and do what is right for the baby."

Mom says, "Everything will be okay, honey. Why don't you two go out and explore some to take your mind off of everything."

Lexa says, "That sounds like a good idea. Why don't I take you shopping? There is a great mall not far from here and a tattoo studio next to it that I want to visit. I've been thinking about getting another tattoo. I just decided that I'm going to do it, and I want Indra to do it. She is the one who did my other ones."

Mom says, "Seriously? Lexa Trikru is volunteering to go shopping. I never thought I would see the day. I can't wait to tell Fletch about this."

Lexa says, "Ha, ha, hilarious, Abby. I actually don't mind shopping with Clarke."

Mom gets up and hugs me, then Lexa saying, "I will see you for dinner. Go have fun, and don't worry, everything will work out, I promise."

"Thanks, mom."